Dark Night in Toyland

“Don’t let it happen today,” Kirkham prayed.

And then that other side of him, that intruder whose caustic, sneering voice had been growing more and more insistent for the past month, cut in with: Yeah, it’s bad enough for a kid to die of cancer at any time—but if it happens on Christmas Day it makes him feel rotten.

Kirkham jumped to his feet and strode violently about the study, ashamed and afraid of the voice even though he was sufficiently Manichaean in outlook to understand why he heard it. The oak-panelled room had once seemed so right for a smalltown Methodist minister whose mission was the preservation of religious belief in the hostile climate of the 21st century. Now it seemed dark and claustrophobic. He went to the window and pulled aside the green velvet drapes. It was ocean-black outside—six o’clock on a Christmas morning. No different to six o’clock on any other morning in winter.

The voice again: Here it is, Christmas—and us out here chasing a star.

Kirkham gnawed the back of his hand and went into the kitchen to brew coffee. Dora was there in her powder-blue dressing gown, making herself busy with cups and spoons. Straight-backed. Brave woman, their friends and neighbours must have been saying, but only Kirkham knew the extent to which she had been defeated by Timmy’s illness.

One night when he had talked to her about faith she had said, with a kind of sad contempt, “Do you have faith that two and two make four? Of course not, John. Because you know two and two make four.” It had been the first and only time she had spoken to him in that manner, but he had a disturbing conviction she had been making a personal statement about life and death.

“I didn’t hear you come down,” he said. “Isn’t it a little early for you?”

Dora shook her head. “I want this day to be as long as possible.”

“It won’t work, Dora.” He knew at once what she was trying to do. Dostoyevsky on the morning he was led out to be executed, resolving to magnify and subdivide every second so as to expand an hour into a lifetime.

“You have to let time go,” he said. “With gladness. It’s the only way to tackle eternity.” He waited, aware he had sounded pompous, hoping she would challenge him and thus admit her need for his help. And thus establish, in his own mind, that he was able to help.

“Milk or cream?” she said.

“Milk.” They sipped their coffees for a moment, separate, the bright clean geometries of the kitchen shimmering between them.

“What are we going to do next Christmas, John?” Dora’s voice was matter-of-fact, as though discussing arrangements for a vacation. “When we’re alone.”

“We have to see what God has in store for us. Perhaps, by then, we’ll understand.”

“Perhaps we understand already. Perhaps the only thing we have to understand is that there is nothing for us to understand.”

“Dora!” Kirkham felt a sombre excitement over the fact that his wife seemed on the brink of acknowledging her disbelief. He knew he would be unable to help her unless it was brought out into the open. The words had to be said, the thoughts translated into mouth movements and air vibrations, even though the eyes of God could see everywhere.

The voice: Great eyesight, God has. I mean, how else could he sit at the centre of the galaxy and fire a cosmic ray across thousands of light years and hit a single cell in a little boy’s spine? That’s real sharpshooting in anybody’s book. Especially the Good Book…

Kirkham’s attention on Dora’s face wavered. Of all places, it had had to be the spine, where the living structures were too complex for successful reproduction by bioclay. The treatment had been applied, of course, using the most advanced compounds, and it had given Timmy a few extra months. For a time it had even seemed that a cure might be achieved (the breakthrough had to come someday) but then the boy had begun to lose the mobility of his left leg—first signs that the bioclay, which was displacing cancer cells as quickly as they were formed, was proving unequal to the task of recreating the original tissues.

“…be awake by this time,” Dora was saying. “Let’s go in.”

Feeling that he had missed an important opportunity, Kirkham nodded and they went into Timmy’s room. In the dim glow of the nightlight they could see that the boy was awake, but he had not touched the Christmas gifts which were stacked at his bedside. Kirkham learned, yet again, how the word heartbreak had originated. He hung back, afraid to trust his voice, while Dora went to the bed and kneeled beside it.

“It’s Christmas morning,” she coaxed. “Look at all the presents you have.”

Timmy’s eyes were steady on her face. “I know, Mum.”

“Don’t you want to open them?”

“Not now—I’m tired.”

“Didn’t you sleep well?”

“It’s not that sort of tiredness.” Timmy looked away from his mother, his small face dignified and lonely. Dora lowered her head.

He knows, Kirkham thought, and was galvanised into action. He hurried across the room and began opening the varicoloured packages.

“Look at this,” he said cheerfully. “From Uncle Leo—an audiograph! Look at the way it turns my voice into colour patterns! And here’s a self-moving chess set…” He went on opening parcels until the bed was covered with gifts and discarded wrappings.

“This is great, Dad.” Timmy smiled. “I’ll play with them later.”

“All right, son.” Kirkham decided to make one more attempt. “Isn’t there anything you specially wanted?”

The boy glanced at his mother, suddenly alert, and Kirkham felt grateful. “There was one thing,” Timmy said.

“What is it?”

“I told Mum last week, but I didn’t think you’d let me have it.”

Kirkham was hurt. “Why shouldn’t…?”

“It’s a Biodoh kit,” Dora put in. “Timmy knows how you feel about that stuff.”

“Oh! Well, you must admit it’s not…”

“But I bought it for him anyway.”

Kirkham began to protest, then he saw that—despite the encumbrance of paralysed legs—Timmy was struggling into an upright position in the bed, face filled with eagerness, and he knew it would be wrong to interfere at that moment. Dora went to a closet and brought a large flat box which had not been gift wrapped. Printed across it in capacitor inks which made the letters flash regularly, like neon signs, was the word BIODOH. Kirkham felt a stirring of revulsion.

“Is it all right, Dad? Can I have it? You won’t be sorry.” Timmy was almost out of bed. His pyjama jacket had crumpled up, exposing the edge of the therapeutic plastron the surgeons had attached to his back.

Kirkham made himself smile. “Of course, it’s all right.”

“Thanks, John.” Dora’s eyes signalled her gratitude as she made Timmy comfortable against his pillows and moved the other presents to a table.

Kirkham nodded. He went to a window, drew back the curtains and looked out. The panes were still enamelled with night’s blackness, reflecting the scene within the bedroom. A child in a warmly lit cot, his mother kneeling by his side. The associations with the first Christmas, which might have comforted Kirkham earlier, seemed blasphemous in the presence of Dora’s gift. He wanted to leave the room, to find peace to think, but there was a risk of spoiling his son’s unexpected happiness. He returned to the bedside and watched Timmy explore the compartments and trays of the Biodoh box.

There was the pink dough which represented surface flesh; reddish slivers which would serve as muscles; coiled blue and yellow strands for nerves; plastic celery stalks for major bones; interlocking white beads for vertebrae. Small eyes arranged in neat watchful pairs. Snap-on nylon hooks for muscle inserts, the silver plugs of nerve connectors. And—most hideous of all to Kirkham’s eyes—the grey putty, debased commercial relative of the bioclay which was at work in Timmy’s spine, which could be fashioned into ganglia. Primitive little brains. The boy’s fingers fluttered over the box, briefly alighting on one treasure and then another.

Kirkham looked at the discarded lid on the floor. “BIODOH helps your child understand the Miracle of Life!” The fools, he thought, don’t they know that if you understand a miracle it ceases to be a mirade?

Timmy leafed through the glossy instruction manual. “What should I make first, Mum?”

“What does it suggest?”

“Let me see … a giant caterpillar! Simple invertebrate…blind…Shall I try it? Right now?”

“There’s no time like the present,” Dora said. “Come on—I’ll help.”

They put their heads together and—working intently, with frequent consultations of the manual—began to build an eight-inch caterpillar. A muscle strip of suitable length was chosen first. Load-spreaders, like miniature umbrellas, were attached to each extremity. A blue nerve cord was added, cut in two at the centre of its length and silver nerve connectors fitted to the severed ends.

Pale green surface flesh was taken from the appropriate compartment and formed in the shape of a hotdog roll which had a longitudinal slit. The muscle, complete with nerve, was then laid in the slit and the load-spreaders were firmly pressed into the green flesh at each end.

Finally, Timmy took a pellet of the grey putty, pressed it against his wrist and determinedly opened and shut his hand in a steady rhythm for about a minute, to imprint the nerve impulse pattern in the receptive material.

“This is it,” he said breathlessly. “Do you think it will work, Mum?”

“I think so. You did everything exactly right.”

Timmy looked up at his father, seeking praise, but Kirkham could only stare at the lifeless green object on the workboard. It both horrified and fascinated him. Timmy dropped the grey pellet into the thing’s interior and pressed the two silver nerve connectors into it.

On the instant, the caterpillar began to squirm.

Timmy gave a startled cry and dropped it. The pseudo-creature lay on the board, sideways, stretching and contracting. At each contraction its body opened obscenely and Kirkham saw the muscle swelling within.

You lied to us, Christ, he thought in his dread. There is nothing special or sacred about life. Anybody can create it—therefore we have no souls.

Timmy laughed delightedly. He picked up the caterpillar and sealed it along its length by pressing the sides of the wound together. The pale flesh melded. Timmy, working with uncanny certitude, fashioned little foot-like blobs along the creature’s underside and set it down again. This time, stabilised and aided by its feet, the caterpillar crawled along the workboard, moving blindly, with the rhythm it had learned from the boy’s clenching fist. Timmy looked into his mother’s face, triumphant, intoxicated.

“Good boy!” Dora exclaimed.

Timmy turned to his father. “Dad?”

“I … I’ve never …” Kirkham sought inspiration. “What name are you going to give it, son?”

“Name?” Timmy looked surprised. “I’m not going to keep it, Dad. I’ll need the materials for other projects.”

Kirkham’s lips were numb. “What are you going to do with it?”

“Put it back into inventory, of course.” Timmy lifted the dumbly working caterpillar, split it open in the middle with his thumbs and extracted the grey pellet. As soon as the nerve connectors were separated from the ganglion the pseudo-creature lapsed into stillness.

“That’s all there is to it,” Timmy commented.

Kirkham nodded, and left the room.

“I’m sorry to have to say this, John and Dora, but your boy has very little time left.” Bert Rowntree stirred the tea Dora had made for him, his spoon creating irrelevant little ringing sounds in the quietness of the afternoon. His brow was creased with unprofessional sadness.

In contrast, Dora’s face was carefully relaxed. “How much time?”

“Probably less than a week. I’ve just taken new tissue compatibility readings, and the ratio is falling off very quickly. I … There’s no point in my trying to paint a falsely optimistic picture.”

“We wouldn’t want you to do that, Bert,” Kirkham said. “You’re sure there’ll be no pain?”

“Positive—the bioclay has built-in blocks. Timmy will simply go to sleep.”

“That’s something we can thank God for.”

Dora’s.hand quivered abruptly, causing a rivulet of tea to slip down the side of her cup, and Kirkham knew she had wanted to challenge him. You mean, something we can thank the makers of bioclay for. He wished again that she would voice her thoughts and begin the process of spiritual catharsis. She had to be reassured that God’s message had not changed and never would change.

Come off it, John, that other Kirkham snickered, you don’t take everything in the Bible as gospel.

“Timmy was showing me his Biodoh kit,” Rowntree said. “He seems to have made some quite advanced constructions.”

“He has a talent for it.” Dora was calm again. “He got on so well I had to buy him all the supplementary packs. Equilibrium units, voice simulators—that sort of thing.”

“Really?”

“Yes, though I haven’t seen everything he’s been doing. He says he’s going to give me a special surprise.”

“It’s incredible that he’s been able to go so far in such a short time.”

“He has the touch. It’s a pity that…”Dora stopped speaking and shook her head, choking up.

“I don’t think I like him having that stuff,” Kirkham said. “There’s something unwholesome about it and I think it takes too much out of him.”

“Nonsense, John. If you want my professional opinion, you were very lucky to find something to occupy the boy’s mind at this stage. Keeps him from brooding too much.”

“That’s the way I feel about it,” Dora said, scoring a point over Kirkham.

Rowntree finished his tea and set the cup down. “You have to admit that Biodoh is a fascinating material. You know it’s an unrefined form of surgical bioclay? Well, I’ve read the impurities in it sometimes introduce random properties which lead to some very strange effects. In a way, it suggests that life itself is …”

“If you don’t mind,” Kirkham interrupted, getting to his feet, “I have to record this week’s sermon.”

Rowntree stood up too. “Of course, John—I’m due back at the clinic anyway.”

Kirkham saw the doctor to the door and when he returned he found that Dora had gone upstairs, probably to Timmy’s room. He hesitated for a moment, then went into his study and tried to work on his sermon, but suitable words refused to assemble in his mind. He knew what Rowntree had been about to say, and the other Kirkham kept repeating the same statement.

Life itself, the relentless voice gloated, is only a chemical impurity.

On the eighth day of January Timmy drifted into a coma, and from then on John Kirkham and Dora could do nothing but wait. The prolonged vigil had a dreamlike quality for Kirkham because he felt it was outside of normal time. His son had already left one world and was awaiting the completion of certain formalities before he could be admitted to the next.

Now that the ultimate trial had begun, Kirkham found himself enduring better than he had feared. He slept quite a lot, always for short periods, and occasionally awoke with the conviction that he had heard sounds of movement from Timmy’s room. But each time he opened the door and looked in, the boy was lying perfectly still. Pea-sized lights on the diagnostic panel at the head of the bed glowed steadily, in fixed patterns, indicating that there had been no abrupt changes in Timmy’s condition.

The only hint of activity came from the light-pulsing inks on the lids of the Biodoh boxes which, at Dora’s insistence, were stacked by the bed. Their presence was still an affront to Kirkham, but during the night hours—while Dora and Timmy slept—he had confronted and overcome his fears.

The reason he abhorred Biodoh was that it appeared to give men, women, children the ability to create life. That led logically and inescapably to the annihilation of God, which in turn meant that the personality known as Timmy Kirkham was about to be snuffed out of existence for ever. Only God—not the manufacturers of Biodoh kits—could promise life beyond the grave.

Kirkham had found a simple, if distasteful, solution to his problem.

His own giant caterpillar had not been nearly as good as Timmy’s first effort, and that had made the task of dismantling less harrowing than he had expected. The silver plugs came easily out of the grey module and all movement ceased. A purely mechanical operation. Nothing to get upset about.

His second project was a slightly larger caterpillar, with a single eye, which would crawl towards a source of light until the intensity of radiation passing through the iris reached a certain level, at which point the pseudo-creature would turn away. That, too, had been far less successful than Timmy’s version—Dora had been right when she said the boy had a special talent—but it had crawled towards the light, hesitated, turned away, wandered, and then had been drawn to the brightness again in a manner which suggested complex motivations.

Kirkham’s understanding of its operating principles, however, had enabled him to see that it was no different to a battery-powered toy car which would not run over the edge of a table. He realised, with a surge of gladness, how naive he had been to equate a crude Biodoh construction with the unique complexity of a living being.

And, in the throbbing quietness of that night-time hour, while his son slipped nearer to death, it had been an emotionally neutral experience for Kirkham to scoop up the one-eyed caterpillar, open its belly, and return its various components to inventory.

Timmy died on the twelfth day of January, in the early hours of the morning.

John and Dora Kirkham stood beside the bed, hand in hand, and watched the lights on the dianostic panel gently extinguish themselves. Mercifully, there was no other sign of the final event taking place. Timmy’s small face shone with the peaceful lustre of a pearl. Kirkham could feel other lights fading away within himself—God had never intended the loss of a child to be entirely reconcilable—but one precious flame continued to burn steadily, sustaining him.

Dora gave a deep, quavering sigh and grew heavy in his arms. Kirkham led her from the room and into their own bedroom. Accepting his guidance, she lay down on the divan and allowed him to draw the duvet over her.

“I want you to stay here for a while,” he said. “Try to get some rest. I’m going to call the clinic.” He went to the door.

“John!” Dora’s voice was weary, but firm.

“What is it?”

“I … I’ve been making things harder for you—but I was wrong. I was so wrong.”

“I know you were, darling. As long as you realise it, nothing else matters.”

She managed something like a smile. “It happened just as Timmy was leaving us. I just knew it couldn’t be the end. I knew we would see him again.”

Kirkham nodded, fulfilled. “You’ve got the message. Don’t lose sight of it. Not ever!”

He turned out the light, closed the door and went towards the stair. From his right there came a scrappy little sound, like that of a small object falling over. He halted in the middle of a stride. The sound seemed to have come from Timmy’s place of rest.

Without giving himself time to think, Kirkham flung open the door of his son’s bedroom. Timmy’s body lay calm and unmoving in the dim light. Not knowing what he had expected, Kirkham advanced into the room.

I should have covered his face, he thought.

He approached the bed and drew the sheet upwards over the carved marble features. An instinct prompted him to pause and brush strands of hair away from the child’s dewy forehead. He had completed covering the body when he became aware of several crumbs of grey material clinging to his fingers. It looked like Biodoh cortical putty.

It can’t be, Kirkham told himself. You’re only supposed to press it against your wrist. Timmy can’t have been pressing it against his forehead—that’s not in the instruction manual. There was a sound from behind him.

Kirkham whirled, his hands fluttering to his mouth as he saw the tiny upright figure emerge from the shadows of a corner. It walked towards him, arms outstretched, dragging its left leg as Timmy had once done. Its lips moved, and Kirkham thought he heard a faint distorted sound.

Da…Da…Dad.

He threw himself backwards and fell, overturning a chair. The figure came closer—naked and pink, moving with a ghastly crippled clumsiness—while he lay on the floor and watched. Its lips continued to move, and its eyes were fixed on him.

“John?” Dora’s voice filtered out of another universe. “What’s the matter, John?”

Kirkham tried to visualise what would happen if Dora came into the room—suddenly he was competent, able to protect her from the fate which had already overtaken him.

“There’s nothing wrong,” he called out. “Stay where you are.” He rose on to his knees and allowed the miniature figure to approach him. Suffer little children to come unto me, his other self quoted, sneering. Kirkham closed his eyes and waited till the smooth cool body blundered against his legs. He lifted it, and, using his thumbs, split it open at the thorax, exposing the nerve cords running up into the head. He hooked a fingernail around them and pulled them out, and the small object in his hands ceased to move.

All I have to do is return the parts to inventory, he thought, keeping his gaze averted from the figure in the bed, smiling his new kind of smile.

A purely mechanical operation….