Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine. Vol. 127, No. 3 & 4. Whole No. 775 & 776, March/April 2006

Herman was a private eye who hadn’t many friends,

the spouses of his clientele refused to make amends.

Because of all their foiled “affairs” that oft embittered folk,

the evidence that Herman found was hardly termed a joke.

Divorce was running rampant in the town where Herman worked;

his photographs of “tête-à-têtes” had labeled him a jerk.

Then came a curvy offer named Amanda, with a claim—

a rumor that her husband chose to play the cheating game.

She wanted scores of pictures to produce a guilty plea,

and hopefully a video to make His Honor see

that hubby’s massive fortune should be hers, and hers alone;

to him she’d leave the poodle, but she’d keep their stylish home.

She offered a retainer that made Herman’s eyeballs swell,

and after only seconds he decided, “What the hell.”

The pay was great, the job a cinch, he couldn’t ask for more—

so Herman grabbed his camera and barreled out the door.

That night he found them searching for a lonely place to spark,

and at a distance, followed them, and found a place to park.

He spent the evening hiding with his camera in his van,

well hidden from the lady and the cheating “other man.”

But, as he clicked, then clicked again, to pay his way through life,

he noticed, to his horror, that this mistress was his wife!

The scene he witnessed, zooming in, was more than he could bear,

and with a silent scream of rage he cursed the faithless pair.

He viewed with great annoyance that the underpants she wore

he lovingly had purchased from a very pricey store.

They didn’t have a clue that they were seen by anyone—

he’d shot them with his Nikon, now he’d shoot them with his gun.

He let the corpses lie but took a photo for his proof,

and thought with such results Amanda just might hit the roof,

but she was very grateful — she’d inherit quite a sum,

and thanked him for his troubles — overjoyed to lose the bum.

She offered half the profits — he could have the poodle, too;

they sat and had a drink to that and their affection grew.

They shared a sacred secret that would keep them close at heart—

eventually they married, and were nevermore apart.

Now Herman’s given up his ways, he doesn’t sneak about,

his newfound friends are safe at last, to cheat at will, no doubt.

He lives in such a lovely home — a poodle at his heels—

and has a ball replaying all his pornographic reels.