Flight of Brothers

FLIGHT OF BROTHERS

In this dream we were running away from something, my brother and I, not so much together, as running along side each other, each in our separate universe. We didn’t seem to be getting anywhere, but the space behind us kept enlarging.

“What will happen if they catch us?” I asked.

“You don’t want to know,” he said. It was true. I didn’t want to know.

Why did I feel worse rather than better when I left Dr. Klotzman’s office? It was a question I had only recently started asking myself. Perhaps because I hadn’t told my therapist the truth or at least the whole truth. Perhaps it was because I didn’t know the whole truth, which was why I started seeing Klotzman in the first place. I confessed the partial truth to my wife which was perhaps why she left me. I didn’t want to discourage Klotzman so early in the game, which was how I thought of our therapy sessions. My wife used to tell me that if I stood up straight I’d feel better about himself. So I made an effort to stand up straight when I visited Klotzman. After awhile I subsided into my usual slouch. As I told Klotzman I was not myself with affected good posture.

The slouch represented me. I was hiding something that I wanted to stay hidden, terrible as it was. I took long walks by myself as if I might leave the unspeakable self behind. Alas, it went with me and returned with me. Klotzman gave the nameless a name, called it “a free-floating guilt,” but it was more or less than that. By boxing it with a name, Klotzman thought he could treat it, which was, I liked to believe, a free-floating illusion.

It went to bed with me and it woke up with me. It corresponded with my dreams. It got worse but rarely better. It was what brought me to Klotzman’s office in the first place. I didn’t believe in psychiatry, but desperation leads you into trying almost anything.

That day when I came home from therapy, the woman next door was leaving her apartment. I nodded to her, though we had hardly spoken in the years I had lived in the Riverwalk Towers. “Would you walk along with me?” she asked.

“I’ve just come back from a walk,” I said.

“I hope this doesn’t sound presumptuous, but I need some company,” she said.

I had nothing better to do so I considered her request. She was older than I was or perhaps the same age and though not interested in her sexually, I was curious about who she was.

“You look like you need a friend,” she said.

I had always tried to disguise my ongoing misery with a frozen face. “I don’t need a friend,” I said, “but I’ll walk with you.” She looked like someone I imagined I had beaten to death in one of my recurring dreams.

We walked out silently together, keeping a polite distance between ourselves.

“I’m a doctor,” she said by way of introducing herself, “but I no longer practice.”

“I’m a contractor,” I said, “but I no longer contract.”

She laughed. “That’s a funny thing to say. I still work at a hospital outlet doing odd jobs.”

“You feel untrustworthy?” I asked.

“I reached a point where I no longer trusted my hands,” she said. “Can you understand that?”

I looked at my own hands then put them in my pockets. By talking about herself, she was talking about me. I knew that couldn’t be so, but her confessions made me wary. Needing to fill the silence, I said that it looked like rain.

“It’s not supposed to rain,” she said. “Do you want to turn back?”

I wished it would rain or snow. It eased me, if ever I was eased, by being out in bad weather.

“We can turn back whenever you want to,” she said.

A couple went by with their arms around each other and said hello to us as they went by, as if we too were a couple.

This occasioned me to take a step further away from my companion. We were not a couple and not to be mistaken for one, though the more I glanced at this neighbor the more attractive she seemed. She had an unusual profile.

“Let’s go back,” she said.

We turned languidly around.

When we reached our mutual building, the Riverwalk Towers, which only had 12 floors, she thanked me for accompanying her.

The walk eased me for a few moments but when I was back in my six-room apartment, the same misery returned. It was good to know that walking with this neighbor was a positive thing to do. I tried to read but my concentration was poor so I put on the television set and tried to lose myself in someone else’s story. I watched a movie in which a man was accused falsely of a crime. In the end it came out all right but I knew the protagonist was guilty as assumed. It was my own story and freeing the other of the ostensibly false charge only made matters worse.

Since I had taken leave from my job — I hadn’t exactly quit — I didn’t know how to fill my day. I was concerned when not working at being found out, though I didn’t know of what.

I phoned Klotzman to say I’d like an extra session if one could be arranged.

“I’m sorry you’re not feeling any better,” Klotzman, apparently browsing in his appointment book, said on cue. “I can take you at 8 tomorrow. Is that too early?”

“Nothing’s too early,” I said. I wondered if I committed a real crime if it would relieve him. There were times I thought of killing Klotzman, but I wouldn’t know how to go about it.

I arrived at Klotzman’s office at 7:45 and had to wait for the therapist to arrive. I tended to arrive at Klotzman’s office in a state of restrained exuberance as if no expectance were beyond its possibility.

Klotzman arrived at one minute after eight — closer to thirty seconds actually — and led me into the office. I waited for the therapist to take his seat before I took the facing chair.

“You’re looking better today,” Klotzman said.

The remark gratified me. “The world news was extremely bad today,” I said, only partially joking.

“And that cheers you?”

“No. Why would I be cheered by bad news? You must think I’m a horrible person. I feel somehow justified by bad news outside myself…”

I felt his lips curl in a faint smile at the last remark. “Are you saying that it corresponds to the news inside yourself?”

Klotzman was particularly percipient today. “You got it,” I said.

“And what is your personal bad news today?”

I was disappointed by the question. My new found respect for Klotzman slipped away. “If I knew what it was I wouldn’t need you,” I said.

“Don’t things change from day to day.”

“Well, I had a dream last night in which three men in stocking feet came to arrest me. When I asked them what I had done, they said there was no name for it. How can you arrest someone when there is no name for the charge? I asked. Just come with us, they said — that is one of them said, the one that talked. I won’t go, I said. There’s a crime in that,” he said, “resisting arrest.” The last thing I remember is shouting at them, I won’t be taken away under false charges.

“What happened then?” Klotzman asked.

“It’s a recurrent dream,” I said. “When I wake I expect to find myself in prison, but I am only in my bed.”

“You’ve made your life into a prison,” Klotzman said. “You see that don’t you?”

“Why do I do that?”

“You tell me.”

“Because I am guilty of something. I just don’t want to be taken away under false charges.”

“How do you know they’re false if you don’t know what the real charges are?” We always came in these sessions to some unanswerable question.

“Maybe you’re imagining that there are real charges,” he said.

“Maybe I am,” I said. “And maybe I’m not.”

From there our sessions repeated themselves or ran downhill until time ran out and I went home feeling worse than when I came in.

Maybe I should stop seeing Klotzman, I thought, but I continued to believe that help, if there was any, was his to offer. Perhaps I needed to ask the right questions.

It was not that I felt guilty all the time. Just most of the time. The rest of the time I felt innocent of the obscure charges against me. I had a stubborn streak too. I would not be bullied by false charges. Not even in my dreams would I allow myself to be bullied. In one I stood up in court and insisted on my innocence. The judge, who looked like my father, stood up and said, “It is only the guilty who need to insist on their innocence.” “It follows then, doesn’t it, I said that it is only the innocent that insist on their guilt. I am so innocent, I will tell you I am guilty just to throw you off the track.” “That’s the rub,” the judge said, “it is also the guilty that insist on their guilt.”

When I was ten — this may have been a dream or a dream of a dream — I was at a rigid private school. I was put in detention, a prison-like room because I had hit a boy in the face. He had hit me first which is what I tried to explain to the interrogator.

“You hit him harder than he hit you,” “he said. In fact, the boy was in the hospital.”

“I hit him hard so he would not come back at me.”

“When someone hits you,” the interrogator said, “you turn around and walk away.”

“I’m sorry I hurt him. Can I get back to my room now.”

“Rules are rules,” he said. “You are obliged to serve out the terms of your punishment. Besides, he says he didn’t hit you.”

“He’s a liar,” I said.

“There were no witnesses. It’s his word against yours.”

“I wouldn’t have hit him if he hadn’t hit me first.”

“There’s physical evidence that you hit him. You broke a bone under his eye. There’s no evidence that he hit you.”

“I didn’t mean to break a bone,” I said.

“You admitted that you meant to hurt him. Isn’t that so?”

“I guess so.”

“You guess so?”

“Yes. I hit him so he wouldn’t hit me again. Isn’t it enough to say I’m sorry.”

“You’re being punished so you won’t do anything like it again. That’s why you’re being punished. I hope that’s clear.”

“I want to go back to my room. You have my word it won’t happen again.”

“Sorry,” he said. “Out of the question.”

I was close to tears, toughing it out. “Don’t you people believe in forgiveness?”

“You’re not understanding me,” he said. “We wouldn’t be having this conversation if I hadn’t already forgiven you. That doesn’t mean I can rescind your punishment. I hope the distinction is clear.”

“No.”

“You have your interment to think about it.” And with a nod, he left the room and locked the door behind him.

The room seemed smaller after I had been abandoned.

A few days later I had another dream in which I was on trial for murder of a yet-undiscovered corpse. Not wanting to leave my defense to a stranger, I decided to defend himself. It was my intention to prove that I was not present when the murder took place but was at home writing a speculative treatise on murder, which was the subject of the charge against me. I put myself on the witness stand and questioned myself, moving back and forth from the witness’s chair to the interrogator’s space. The prosecutor complained that I was making a show of a serious matter, but the judge, a pleasant elderly man, overruled his objection, saying a trial was always a bit of a theatrical event. The treatise I wrote was purely theoretical, I said. “Not only did I have no intention of killing anyone, I in fact, did not, which was what counted.”

The prosecutor said it was not unusual for theorists to put their theorizing into practice besides how could I insist I wasn’t there without knowing who the victim was.

“Good question,” I said. “It so happens I was speculating on the possible victim. I don’t know his identity but I know I wasn’t there. How can you even have a trial without a corpus delicti.”

“The rules have changed,” the prosecutor said, winking at the judge. “We’re trying you under the new rules under which intention and deed are virtually interchangeable. I have in front of me your so-call speculation which is tantamount to a confession.”

“Not fair,” I said. I was in a hole here and I looked to the judge who looked away.

“Go on,” the judge said.

“Whatever the apparent evidence,” I said, “you have my word that the man sometimes seated in the witness chair is innocent.”

“That’s for the jury to decide,” said the judge. “Do you have any other witnesses?”

I hadn’t planned on other witnesses, but I went back to my lawyer’s seat to reflect on the matter. All seemed lost. What was the punishment I wondered for the theoretical murder of a theoretical victim? I stayed with the question until it woke me.

The dreams embarrassed me and I waited a few weeks before sharing them with Klotzman. I told him the second, which was a more troubling dream, first.

His reaction was odd. He merely nodded sadly when I finished the story.

“What?”

“That’s a sad story,” he said, “but not unexpected. It’s a fairly literal dream, wouldn’t you say?”

I didn’t know how to answer that so sat glumly, waiting for him to say more. “It’s not a surprising dream,” he said, “which doesn’t make it any less disturbing.”

I wanted some wisdom from him and was getting bromides in its place.

We both waited for him to say something that would put the world in an acceptable orbit. His brow was wrinkled. I could tell he was trying.

We often had silences between us but this was a longer silence than usual. Perhaps we were each waiting for the other to say something profound.

I ventured the following. “How can someone be charged for the murder of someone who is not known to be dead?”

“That’s just it,” he said. “He can’t. They changed the rules in your dream.”

“That’s right,” I said. “They have no legitimate case against me.”

“It’s only a dream,” he said.

“Of course.”

“It seems real to you, doesn’t it?”

“It seems as real as anything.”

“You have to be able to distinguish between dream reality and the real world.”

“I know that.”

When I left the doctor’s office, I felt no better, perhaps even worse than when I came in. It was the same old story.

One day, my mother, whom I hadn’t seen in six months, showed up at my apartment unannounced.

“I’m always a little surprised to find you still alive,” she said. “You look no worse than I expected.”

“I’m fine,” I said.

“You manage so badly,” she said. “It must be hard living alone. You ought to get married so someone would look after you.”

“I was married for awhile, as you know.”

“You have a big place. Get yourself a roommate.”

“I don’t want a roommate. I’m fine by myself, mother.”

“I thought I’d stay for a while and look after you.” This all before she had taken her coat off.

“Please, mother, no. I appreciate the offer but I like being alone.”

“Three home-cooked meals a day. Doesn’t that sound good?”

“I’m eating all right,” I said.

“Tell me what you eat on a typical day,” she said.

“Well,” I said, “I usually have cold cereal with fruit for breakfast.”

“And lunch?”

“On a busy day, I sometimes have cereal for lunch also. Not the same cereal. I mostly go out to a restaurant for dinner. When I eat at home I make myself a hamburger.”

“I’ll make you real meals,” she said. “I’ll only stay a few weeks and I’ll keep out of your way.”

“Mother, please, let’s leave things as they are.”

“I won’t force myself on you,” she said. “You’ll see how much pleasanter it will be if you let me stay for a while. Yum yum food.”

“No.”

“All right, Melvin, it’s your poison and I’ll honor it. I’ll come to visit again soon.” After she finished her cup of tea — she had brought her own teabag — she left after kissing the top of my head. “If you need anything, promise you’ll let me know.”

I made a perfunctory promise and she was gone.

Did everyone have a mother? The evidence was in favor of that assumption. Not everyone had a mother like mine, devoted to symbiosis, to not letting her son live his own life if he had one to live. Perhaps I’m being cruel. Perhaps she meant the best for me. I’m sure she did. Now I’m being too kind. It is hard to find the acceptable middle ground.

There was a knock on my door. I hesitated. Perhaps my mother had returned. It was my neighbor, Eva. She didn’t want to come in. She asked if I would accompany her on a walk. I didn’t want to go, but I said why not. Before we got to the corner of our own street, she said she had advice she wanted to ask a man and didn’t know where else to turn. The man she had been seeing with a certain regularity — this was all news to me — said he thought it would be a good idea if they saw other people as well. It was two weeks since he had brought it up and she hadn’t seen him since. Would it be a good idea, she wondered, to phone him? What did I think? Did that seem too forward? She didn’t want to seem pushy. I thought about it for awhile. “Are you seeing other people?” I asked her. Aside from me, she said, and I didn’t really count, she wasn’t. She had no interest in seeing other people unless… She squeezed my hand and gave me a significant stare. On the third block of our walk, she asked me if I was seeing someone else. “Not recently,” I said.

I took the idea of giving advice seriously, not asked for it very often, and I didn’t want to misinform her. On the other hand, I was not eager to be Eva’s someone else. I liked her and she was always very neatly turned out and though somewhat scrawny, she was reasonably attractive. I can’t explain it so much as to say that she reminded me of my mother.

“I would wait another week,” I said, “before calling.”

“We used to see each other every other day,” she said. “Sometimes more often than that.”

We were on the fourth block by now. “Uh huh,” I said.

“Waiting two weeks took extreme patience.”

“I see.” I said.

“He likes reassurance,” she said. “He may be thinking that I prefer the mythical someone else to him. What would you think if you were in his shoes?”

I tried to imagine myself in his position but came up blank. “I don’t know,” I said. It was getting cold and I was sorry I didn’t have a heavier coat. “Could we head back,” I said.

“We haven’t gone very far,” she said. “You haven’t answered my question.”

I wondered which question she was referring to. “If I wanted to hear from you,” I said, “I would be reassured by a call. I don’t know his state of mind. I don’t know this man at all.”

“He’s not very complicated,” she said. We turned around and headed back toward our building.

Much of our walk back was in silence. “You’ve been helpful,” she said, when we got within a block of our street. I thought she really meant you’ve been no help at all but was too polite to say so.

She shook my hand warmly at the door to her apartment and leaned her head toward me, which, in a rash of shame, I politely ignored.

Afterward, back in my apartment, I felt some regret for my coldness. She was not my mother nor was she even much like her. She was my friend and neighbor. I felt grateful for her attention.

The next day, I knocked at her door, which she took some time to respond to. When she opened the door, she opened it barely a crack. “I have company,” she said. “You see your advice worked.”

“Is it him?” I whispered.

“It’s him,” she said.

“I’m glad for you,” I said.

“I’d rather spend the time with you.”

“Not really,” I said. “Yesterday this was the answer to your fondest wishes.”

“Times change,” she said. “When he leaves, we can go for another walk.”

I went back to my apartment, nonplussed by her attitude, distrusting her words.

A little more than an hour later, she knocked at my door. “He’s gone,” she said.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“I’m not. I asked him to leave. He wants to get back together on our old terms. I told him I’d have to think it over. Things have changed as I’ve indicated to you.”

“It’s hard for me to believe that a single day could have changed your attitude toward him.”

“It’s two weeks and a day,” she said, “a time in which I matured. Should we take our walk?”

I put on my coat, the heavier one this time, and we went out, though I was uneasy with her new stance. I was actually more comfortable being asked for advice.

This was a walk without an agenda and we made small talk. She didn’t seem disposed to talk about her out-of-favor former steady. At least right away. We walked apart, though every once in a while she would take hold of my arm in a proprietary way. I didn’t encourage this minor intimacy, which I could tell she was aware of. “What I’m going to do,” she said, measuring her words, “is give Ron a short trial period and see how it works out.”

“That sounds wise,” I said.

She seemed less pleased with me at the conclusion of this walk.

There had been an elderly woman, named, Dorothy, who assisted Dr. Klotzman, but one day she was replaced by a girl who couldn’t have been more than twenty-five. The girl introduced herself in a solemn manner. “My name is Carol,” she said. “I’ll be keeping your appointment schedule.”

I mentioned that I had met the replacement to Klotzman. “What happened to Dorothy?” I asked.

“Dorothy retired,” he said. “In any event, she was getting forgetful. Don’t let Carol’s looks deceive you. She’s sharp as a tack. Don’t you think she spruces up the office?”

“I suppose,” I said. “I liked Dorothy.”

“We all liked Dorothy,” he said. “Carol, as you’ll notice, brings something else.”

That was the extent of our conversation about what seemed a radical change in office ambience.

Whenever I entered the office I was continually taken aback by Carol’s presence in Dorothy’s place.

The last few sessions had focused on Eva and my apparent confusion at the message she was sending.

“Why were you so surprised by the shift in her response to you?” Klotzman asked him. “Isn’t it clear?”

“I thought we were friends.”

“She felt you were rejecting her. Don’t you see that?”

“I didn’t reject her or not reject her,” I said. “She already has a boyfriend. I didn’t want to interfere.”

“You’re being dense,” Klotzman said. “From all indications she wanted you to interfere. She told you, didn’t she, that she had grown disappointed with this boyfriend.”

“I see what your saying,” I said. “I felt it wasn’t any of my business.”

“And she felt rejected by your standoffishness. What concerns us here is, what do you want from this relationship?”

“I don’t want anything,” I said. “Wanting always gets me into trouble. In any event, I messed things up.”

“I suppose you did,” he said, “though I think that comes from not letting yourself have anything.”

This seemed a productive session, though when I got home I couldn’t define why.

I hadn’t thought about Eva when three days later, I ran into Eva in front of our building. She was coming in as I was going out. We nodded to each other like relative strangers. I took a longish walk by myself to clear my head.

The next day or the day after that she knocked at my door. “I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you,” she said.

“I could say the same,” I said. “How are you?”

“Ron and I have split up,” she said.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“That’s all right. It was my decision. So. I’m free to take a walk with you again one of these days. I can’t stand around and talk. I just wanted to let you know.”

I made some innocuous remark and she returned to her apartment.

I meant to tell Klotzman about this encounter but he was absent on the occasion of our next visit and I ended up talking to Carol.

“The reason I took this job,” she told me, “was that when I finished my training I’d like to be a therapist myself.”

Her assertion surprised me but I made an encouraging remark in exchange.

“I had always wondered why anyone would want to be a therapist,” I said, thinking out loud.

“If you feel you have the gift,” she said, “it’s an obligation.”

“Do you ever sit in for Dr. Klotzman?” I asked.

“I never have,” she said. “Would you like me to, Melvin?”

I thanked her, said another time, and backed out of the office. I wasn’t prepared to share my secrets with this young woman.

“It’s probably not a good idea,” she called after me. “I have another year of training to complete.”

“Why does anyone want to become a therapist?” I asked Eva on one of our walks.

“There was a time I wanted to be a therapist,” Eva said, “but I realized I didn’t have the gift and I gave it up.”

“How do you know whether you have the gift or not?” I asked. “And what does it mean?”

“You just know,” she said, brushing off my question.

“And you knew you didn’t have it.”

She shrugged. “Yes and no. Perhaps I made a mistake. I sometimes wonder about that. I made my decision on what I thought I knew about myself. It’s not an exact science.”

“I wouldn’t think so,” I said. “Well, I know I don’t have whatever gift is required nor do I have the inclination.”

“And so you’re not a therapist.”

“That’s right. I’m a writer, or like to think I am, and you need a gift for that too.”

“I think we’re using the word in two different senses,” she said.

I wasn’t sure what she meant, but I didn’t what to acknowledge it so I merely nodded.

“The gifted therapist can read his patients,” she said.

“And if he can’t, he shouldn’t be a therapist?”

“I didn’t say that,” she said. “As with all things there are degrees. Yes, I suppose if he or she can’t read his patients, he or she shouldn’t be a therapist.”

“I don’t think Dr. Klotzman reads me very well,” I said.

She thought about it, played with the idea as we walked.

“He might read you better than you know.”

“He might,” I acknowledged, though I didn’t really believe it.

During my next session with Klotzman, I asked him if he thought he had a gift as a therapist. Was it his gift that convinced him to be a therapist?

“Gift, schmift,” Klotzman said. “I believe in method. The method is the true gift. I’m a scientist not a sorcerer.”

I was willing to let the subject drop. So the gift school was only one way of perceiving the problem.

“I’m a trained analyst,” Klotzman said, unwilling to let the subject die. “Not a magician.”

Did that explain anything? I wondered. He seemed obsessed on the issue. “What made you want to be a therapist?” I asked him.

“Aside from wanting to help people, I’ve always been fascinated by the varieties of neurosis. Does that answer your question?”

Two men calling themselves detectives came to my door the next day which was a surprise though not unexpected. A childhood friend of mine had been murdered in his own house and they had come to ask me questions. I hadn’t seen this former friend in at least five years — more enemy these days than friend, we had once been like brothers — which is what I told the two men. “That’s odd,” the smaller of the two said, “your name is in his address book.”

The bigger man asked, “Where were you two nights ago between eight and twelve”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I suppose I was at home.”

“Do you have any witnesses?” the other asked.

“I live alone,” I said.

“That’s unlucky for you,” the small one said. “We may ask you to come down to the station to stand in a lineup.”

“I told you I haven’t seen this man in a very long time. We were childhood friends. We moved in very different circles.”

“If you haven’t seen him, how do you know what circles he moved in?” the small one asked.

How did I know? “His name has been in the paper from time to time. Wasn’t he accused of a ponzi scheme? He was always looking for devious ways to make money.”

“Is that why you killed him?” the big man said, threw it at me. “Didn’t he date your former wife?” He looked at his notes.

“I didn’t kill him,” I said. “I don’t go around killing people for making money illegally. Or for dating my former wife, which I didn’t know.”

This went on for a while, then the two men got up, thanked me for my time and left. “Don’t go anywhere,” the small man said.

I was shaking when they were gone and I thought I’d call Klotzman and ask for a special session. I needed someone who understood me to talk to. And what was my name doing in Henry Kleiburn’s address book? It must have been a very old address book. And when and how did he get together with my former wife? Henry had a way of taking what belonged to other people. He was an inveterate thief.

I recited my grievances against Henry to Klotzman, but first I told him about our childhood friendship. “Henry was my oldest and closest friend. For a period, from about six to ten we were virtually inseparable or so memory would have it. Henry’s house was across the street from mine and we would spend as much or more time in the other’s house as in our own. I remember preferring his house. His parents were more permissive and there was more to eat. The refrigerator was always crowded with the kind of junk foods kids like and we were never reprimanded there for helping ourselves. It was hard to imagine why we spent any time in my house at all, but for his own reasons Henry liked being there. My mother doted on him, wanted me to be more like him, which must have made me resentful.”

“Maybe that was the beginning of the falling out,” Klotzman said.

“We were always very competitive, grades, games — the main game was stoop ball when we were small — and we were fairly evenly matched, though Henry usually came out on top in the long run. Even then, even in games like stoop ball, he tended to cheat in small ways. When I won a game he would sulk and not talk to me, as if I were the one who had cheated. To keep his friendship sometimes I had to let him win or at least try not to care about losing.”

“It could be that the falling out was an accumulation of incidents,” Klotzman said. “Resentments build up.”

“We used to steal things, little things, from five and dime stores and one time I got caught and I was taken to the police station and my parents were called.”

“Henry acted innocent, though he had been the instigator. He was just better at it than I was, but he never admitted to my parents that he was also shop lifting. There were incidents like this that finally got me to stop seeing him. His whole life has been seizing the main chance and now someone has killed him.”

“But it wasn’t you.”

I said nothing for a moment, impaled by guilt. Was it possible that I could have killed him and blocked out the episode?. “I don’t think it was me,” I said.

“You’re not sure?”

“It wasn’t me,” I said. “I haven’t seen Henry in over five years.”

“You’ve certainly never mentioned his name here before. Why were you so hesitant in claiming your innocence?”

I shrugged, abashed.

“Melvin,” he said, “we’ve talked about this again and again. You have to distinguish the real from the imaginary. Your free-floating guilt is caused by a confusion of the two. You had nothing to do with Henry’s murder.”

“That’s not what the police think,” I said

“Neither of us know what the police think.”

“Then why did they come to my house?” I asked.

“Why? They might have gone through all the names in Henry’s address book. I have no idea. In any event, you and I know they had it wrong. Don’t we?”

I felt slightly better after this session but the feeling only lasted until I got home and had a chance to brood again. A few nights later I had a dream about being in a police lineup where all the potential suspects looked something like me. I wondered how the old woman making the identification could tell the difference among us.

“Which one of these reprobates was it?” the policeman holding the pointer asked. “Candidate number one, candidate, number two, candidate, number three, candidate number four or candidate number five?”

She rested her chin on her hand, didn’t seem to be looking at any of us. I was in the third and most conspicuous position.

“He might have been wearing some kind of mask,” she said.

Masks were brought out and we were all fitted with masks that covered our eyes.

“No,” she said. “No masks.”

The masks were removed. The room looked lighter than it had before.

“It’s either one or five,” she said, after a moment, “though it could be three.”

“It could be three, couldn’t it?” the policeman said.

The woman looked confused. “It could be three,” she repeated reluctantly.

What about one or five I wanted to say, they were her first choices, but the policeman had settled on me. I was still protesting in my dreams when I woke.

I kept waiting to be called to the police station for a lineup, but it didn’t happen, at least it hadn’t happened. I tried not to think about it, to think about anything else, but it was the only thing on my mind.

I had another dream in which I was the only one in a lineup for identification. The others hadn’t shown up, had been delayed. It didn’t seem any less fair than anything else. Oddly, the woman making the identification, a different old woman, said it wasn’t me, which made the policeman angry. He refused to accept her non-identification. “Who else could it be?” he asked.

And then there was the third version of the dream in which two of the candidates were very short, virtual midgets, and two exceptionally tall, leaving me in the middle, a stand-out at medium height. Who else could it be? I thought. The room was silent for the longest time.

I woke from these dreams outraged at the manipulative nature of the police, who for no reason I understood had it in for me. What I had ever done to them?

“Do you believe that dreams are prescient?” I asked Eva, on one of our walks.

“I used not to,” she said.

“What changed your mind?”

She squeezed my arm. “The bitter lessons of experience,” she said.

I asked her to be more explicit. “What experiences are you referring to?”

She seemed to be thinking about my question. “I can’t be more explicit than that. You’ll just have to accept my word for it. Or not.”

“My dreams are prescient,” I said. “At least some of them are.” I didn’t say that sometimes I can’t tell the difference between what’s real and what’s dreams. Or where one begins and the other ends.

“Some people think that’s crazy,” I said, laughing at the severity of my comment.

She glanced behind her briefly. “You can’t help what people think,” she said.

“That’s a good way to look at it,” I said. At that moment I realized there was something a little off about her, not quite crazy, but not far from crazy either. Were we kindred spirits? Perhaps that was just another way of looking at our odd relationship.

Three weeks had passed since the detectives’ visit and they had not returned, but I expected them daily, waited for them, had two extra cups of coffee brewed in my pot in case they showed up. I also read the paper every day for news of the murder case. For a while there had been a suspect and a reported arrest, but there had been no follow up. I still imagined some version of the police lineup that had been nagging at my dreams awaited me.

“In my opinion,” Klotzman said, when the topic came up in one of our sessions, “you’re not likely to hear from them again.”

The ‘not likely’ disturbed me. “You’re saying it’s not absolutely certain,” I said, “which plays into my fantasies.”

“I’m fairly certain,” he said. “If they were interested in you, they wouldn’t have waited this long.”

“What if they’re just trying to catch me off my guard,” I said.

“So you’re staying on your guard just in case,” he said. “And what good does that do you?”

“This way they can’t take me by surprise,” I said.

“And what would happen if these machievellians took you by surprise?” he asked.

He always had a comeback, always had the last word. Later, at home, I was full of answers, most of them built on the case that I had something to hide.

I had a dream in which the police lineup was made up of five men who looked like Dr. Klotzman. I woke relieved, thinking maybe Klotzman was on to something, but with the equivalent of a smile on my face, even though I almost never smiled.

My mother called and hectored me about getting out more. How could she know how little I got out unless she had spies or long distance binoculars. I assured her I was taking lots of walks with my neighbor, Eva, exaggerating the amount, but she went right on as if I hadn’t said a thing. This went on for about an hour. There were other complaints about my not eating well, about which she had even less information. She threatened to come over and cook for me but I managed to talk her out of that one. “And how are you?” I asked her. “Lonely,” she said. There was probably more going on in my life than in hers.

When alone I was concerned what to do with myself, was considering setting up another regular appointment with Klotzman or having an affair with Eva, Eva willing, both ideas rejected almost out of hand. Spending more time in bed seemed a possible solution, but only if I could sleep. Lying sleepless barely passed the time. Maybe I should give up on the novel I was having so much trouble writing and start another one. I made a note to myself to consider the prospect.

Much of what I do has to do with planning what to do next so I never find myself with nothing to do while in fact I never have anything to do.

I mentioned this excessive planning to Klotzman. “I like to know what’s coming up,” I said.

“You want to avoid surprise,” he said. “You mentioned that before in conjunction with the detectives.”

“Yes. At the same time when I know what’s coming up, I lose interest in it. Still, that’s better than being taking by surprise or having nothing ahead of me.”

“I’m not sure, Mel, I know what you mean by nothing,” he said.

I wasn’t sure either. “Nothing to do,” I said. “No activity. Sometimes I write in my note book: ‘watch TV tonight at nine.’”

“Not a particular program? Just call on yourself to watch?”

“And sometimes, not always, I don’t even bother turning the set on.”

“That I don’t understand,” Klotzman said. “Why don’t you turn the set on if you’ve instructed yourself to.”

I thought about it, but had no answer. “I don’t know. I don’t really like television, but that’s not the reason.”

“What did you do instead of watching television?”

“Different things,” I said. “Most recently, I just went to bed.”

“You discovered you were tired?” he asked in his skeptical way.

“I guess. No. I just wanted to lose consciousness.”

He nodded in his annoying way. He liked to demonstrate that he was a step ahead of me, knew what I was going to say before it was actually said. If I didn’t want to surprise myself, I would have been elated to surprise Klotzman.

I’m not very good at noticing the details of my surroundings, but in the middle of one of my sessions, I noted that Klotzman had refurnished his office. The way it came to me was that I felt less at home in my familiar surroundings then I had and one thing led to another and the reason eventually revealed itself. There was a new carpet somewhat lighter or perhaps darker than the old and the furniture had been replaced by furniture not much different than its predecessor.

I stopped whatever else I was going to say and mentioned my observation.

“The place was getting pretty tacky,” he said. “It needed to be spruced up, I felt. What do you think?”

I didn’t want to be too negative. “I suppose I’ll get used to it.”

“Change creates movement,” he said, “new ways of seeing. It’ll be good for you. You’ll see.”

I accepted his point, not knowing what else to do with it. As it turned out, we had a fairly lively session and perhaps my uneasiness with the altered environment had something to do with it.

When I got back to my apartment, I looked over my furnishings, which had been tacky for a long time. and it seemed to me a possibly useful project to refurnish my living quarters, perhaps one room at a time. I didn’t much like the idea of poking around in shops and wondered if it could be done through the mails or by phone. The faded red couch in my living room had two broken springs so that needed to be replaced first.

I didn’t want to mention my project to Klotzman because I didn’t want him to think that I was following his example. So I did nothing about it until one day I thought of asking Eva for advice.

“You could go to a department store,” she said.

I shook my head. The idea didn’t attract me. We were taking one of our periodic walks. “I’m uncomfortable with salesman.”

“You can always say you’re just looking. That you don’t want to be bothered. If it were me, if I were looking for something, I’d do it on the computer over the internet.”

The longer I lived with the faded red couch the more of an eyesore it seemed. I could just throw it out and not replace it or replace it eventually. I only sat on it these days when I was particularly miserable.

A week later Eva asked me if I had gotten a new couch and I said evasively that I was working on it.

I sat on the old couch a few more times to see if it was as uncomfortable as I remembered it. It didn’t seem so bad. It owned its spot in the room. Perhaps I was resisting change.

Eva told me she was seeing Ron again but not as regularly as before. She liked him better, she allowed, when she saw him less. Still it was hard to repeat old patterns.

Easier, I thought, than creating new ones.

The first thing I purchased on the internet was a pair of white socks — no reason not to start small — and when they arrived in the mail it was like getting a gift, one I had no obligation to reciprocate. Why hadn’t I done this before? Of course this didn’t solve the immediate problem. The next thing I ordered was a pair of pants, but they were disappointing. The danger of course was getting the wrong thing or not quite the right thing. If I got a sofa I didn’t like, it would not be so easy to dispose of it. The pants I merely put away in a drawer, thinking that when I took them out again they would be a better fit than they were. In the mean time I pursued the subtle and inconspicuous course of wooing Eva without her knowing it.

“What days do you see Ron?” I asked her on one of our walks.

“Wednesday and Saturday,” she said, “but I’m thinking of cutting it back to just Saturday.”

I nodded, as if, like Klotzman, it was something I knew all along.

“I want to keep my options open,” she said.

“I approve,” I said, and she smiled.

I smiled inwardly in return, giving nothing away.

“If you like,” she said, “I’ll go to a store with you and help you pick out a sofa.”

“I appreciate the offer,” I said, “though I’m not quite ready. One of these days.”

“Are you backtracking? Maybe you’re still attached to the old one. You tell me when you’re ready, Mel.”

“I’m ready and not ready,” I said. “I feel an obligation to the way things were and at the same time in my head I’m prepared for change.”

The next morning I dragged the eyesore sofa four or five inches closer to thedoor in readiness for disposal. I checked out sofas on the internet and some came with pictures that were probably not very accurate. If you bought one of these sofas, the company offered to take the old one away at no extra cost.

For a while, for a long time it seemed, my project was stuck in the rut of indecision. Then one day, trying some obscure merchant on the internet I saw a sofa that greatly resembled the one I wanted to discard. I had, which is rare for me, a kind of epiphany. This was the one I needed to order. Afterward I could pretend, if necessary, that it was the old sofa restored to its former well being. I ordered it without letting myself think about it and so risk changing my mind.

I worried that the picture of it might have been misleading but ten days later when the new sofa arrived and the old eyesore was taken away it was hard to tell the difference. I didn’t sit on it for a few days, wanting to keep it pristine, but sat across from it and watched it breathe. This was change, I decided, but not disruptive change, induced movement at a pace I was ready for.

I was happy for a few days, perhaps a day and a half, after the new sofa entered my life. There had always been papers and books on the old sofa so the new one, the resurrected old one, seemed relatively naked. I took some books off my shelf and put them on the sofa though that didn’t produce quite the effect I had been looking for. I began to miss the old guy as if it were a living thing, a pet perhaps, who had died. I felt in some way I had betrayed the old one with the new which tarnished my initial pleasure in its presence.

I didn’t tell Klotzman about the new sofa but asked him if he missed his old furniture.

“Absolutely not,” he said.

“Don’t you feel you’ve betrayed the furniture that had been with you, served you well, for so long?”

“Please,” he said. “It’s inanimate. It has no feelings. Why are you so concerned? Have you thrown some old furniture out?”

And so I confessed. I let Klotzman talk me out of my obsession with the old couch. “It’s displaced feelings,” he said. “We’ve been through this before.”

At least he didn’t see my getting a new couch a following of his example. I’ll give him that.

Inanimate or not, I couldn’t get over the idea that in some way I had hurt the old couch’s feelings, which I had never meant to do. It wasn’t my fault the old couch had gotten run down. I might have treated it better when it was in its prime.

My life was changing in small ways. I went to the movies for the first time with Eva. There was a time not so long ago I liked to go by myself and sit in the dark sometimes for hours, but I stopped doing that and so stopped going to movies altogether.

One time when we were walking, Eva said there was a movie opening that she’d like to see. She described the movie from some review but I was only half listening. “It’s about a man and a woman who spend a lot of time together, mistreating each other,” she said. “They mistreat each other because it’s the only way either of them knows to express feelings.”

“Well, why don’t they stop seeing each other?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” she said. “I suppose we’ll have to see the movie to find out.”

So out of this barely coherent conversation, I agreed to go to the movie with her.

Was this a date? I wasn’t sure. I thought of taking her hand, but didn’t. I was more aware of her presence next to me than the action on the screen. Or to put it another way her presence distracted me from the movie at least for awhile. I felt I was in an ocean liner on a black sea sailing awkwardly toward the screen, though not getting any closer. I forgot how long movies are. This one seemed to go on forever, slowly, relentlessly. I thought of going to the bathroom for a respite or going to the popcorn counter for something to eat — not popcorn — but I didn’t dare to move. All this time, Eva’s focus never left the screen or such was the impression of the agitated bystander next to her.

And then for some reason only its own it was over and the audience began to shuffle toward the exit.

“What did you think?” Eva asked me.

I couldn’t begin to say. “What did you think?” I asked her back.

“I understood by the end why they stayed together through all their misery.”

“The director required them to,” I said.

We were outside the theater now. She looked at me before breaking into a laugh. “I didn’t know you were so funny,” she said. “You did mean that as a joke, didn’t you?” I didn’t answer. “They stayed together because the only way they could express their love for each other was by treating the loved one miserably.”

“Displaced behavior,” I said.

“Yes. Extreme displaced behavior,” she said. “Thanks for going with me.”

“Like treating an inanimate object as if it were human,” I said to add to the dialogue.

“Not like that,” she said. “It was extreme but realistic. People are afraid to express tender feelings. You have to educate yourself to express love. I think that’s what the movie was saying.”

The movie had put me in an odd contrarian mood. “Well, we all sort of knew that before the movie began.”

“So you didn’t like it. I’m sorry. Should we take a cab back?”

I could see she was getting upset with me. “I did. I did like it, as a matter of fact.” I struggled for something else to say that was positive. “It had interesting camera angles… Why don’t we walk back?”

“It’s a long walk, Mel,” she said. “Longer than any of the walks we usually take. Let’s start off on foot and if one of us gets tired, we can call a cab.”

So we started off at a determined pace. After four blocks I was tired, but I wasn’t going to give in. We were getting to be like an old married couple, intimate yet distant. I could hear myself saying something of the sort to Klotzman.

Our topic for discussion was the movie, which we moved around between us and when that was gone we fell into a protracted silence. While we talked it was though I was seeing the movie for the first time. It was all much clearer in the light of day.

“Ron doesn’t like most movies,” she said out of the blue. “I don’t like to go alone so it was good of you to keep me company.”

Again I was being pigeonholed as Ron’s stand-in, which I didn’t know that I liked, which I knew I didn’t like.

When at long last, angry at having walked so far, we got to her door, caught up in the spell of the movie — my excuse to myself — I grabbed at her as she was unlatching her door and kissed her roughly, surprising us both.

She pulled away. “You hurt me,” she said. In an instant I returned to my old stiff self and moved like a shadow to my own apartment.

Ten minutes later she knocked at my door. I was only slightly surprised to see her there. “I didn’t mean to chase you away,” she said.

“I was out of control,” I said.

She was looking at something over my shoulder. “Is that a new couch?” she asked.

“You can tell,” I said. “It looks just like the old one, doesn’t it?”

“It looks altogether different,” she said. “Could I sit on it?”

It was the first time she had been in my apartment — a lot of firsts today — and we sat, slightly apart I should add, on my new couch. Then since I wasn’t moving she leaned over and kissed me gently on the lips. And so we necked for awhile like teenagers and though I had a fierce erection, threatening to tear me from the couch, I did nothing to further its cause. After awhile, she asked me if there was anything to eat. I got up, knowing there was nothing, and looked around before making my report.

“That was nice,” she said, and kissed me goodbye before returning to her own apartment.

I reported much of this to Klotzman at our next session.

“Tell me again why you didn’t go to bed with her,” he said

“I can’t explain it,” I said. “In some way I wasn’t ready to. I think I didn’t want to get involved.”

“That doesn’t make sense, Mel. Listen to yourself. You are already involved. Was there something about having sex with her that frightened you?”

I jumped at the excuse he had offered me and nodded abjectly.

“What frightened you? Do you know?”

“If I knew,” I said, “you would be the first one I’d share it with. Let’s move on to something else, okay? I had another police lineup dream.”

“I think this is important, Mel. Think about it. What might have frightened you?”

“I was already sorry about the kissing part, innocent as it was. I didn’t want things to go any further. I don’t think I really trusted her. She was a neighbor and a relative stranger. I was afraid of where it might lead.” Whatever I said, none of it sounded real.

“You’re talking in circles,” Klotzman said “You didn’t trust her, to do what I might add, because you didn’t trust her. Where might the kissing lead?”

I didn’t know what he was getting at. “To sex?” I asked.

“Yes. And where else?”

His questions were making me more uncomfortable than usual. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“Is it the sex act you’re afraid of?” he asked.

“I didn’t have a condom. I was unprepared.”

“Forget the condom,” he said. “Were you afraid you’d disappoint her?”

“I don’t know. I just wanted to be left to myself.”

“You got your wish,” he said. “When she left, feeling rejected, were you happier?”

I tried to remember my state of mind when Eva went back to her own place. “More a sense of relief,” I said.

“You were glad to have your place again to yourself?” he asked.

“In a way. Yes, I suppose I was.”

The dream I never got to report to Klotzman was about a police lineup of four couches, one of them being the eyesore I had discarded. Someone like me was in the position of being the identifier, though it was not clear what I was being asked to identify.

The fat policeman asked me, “Is it contestant number one, contestant number two, contestant number three, contestant number four or contestant…. Where is contestant number five?” No one seemed to know. “Well, get someone up there.” A small man, who had been sitting around, took the fifth position. “Well?”

“What quality are we looking for?” I asked, unsure on what basis to choose.

“If you don’t know”, another policeman said, “who does?”

I didn’t want to make the wrong choice and get the wrong couch in trouble. “It could be any of them.”

“As if your life depended on it, pick one.”

This was a hard job. They all had certain qualities. “One or four,” I said. And then I woke.

I took a walk by myself the next day. And the day after. I managed to avoid Eva or was it that she was avoiding me? Do I have to say it? I missed her on the walks and gave anxious thought to knocking on her door, though I held off under the excuse that she didn’t want to see me. Her perfume, unless I imagined it, left a strong presence on my couch.

I consoled myself by thinking that I was my own person again, free of foreign ties. It was an ambivalent consolation. I wrote a few awkward sentences on the new novel I had started then reread the pages of the old one I had given up on. It wasn’t as bad as I remembered and I considered setting aside the new one and going back to the old. I tried to remember what I hadn’t liked about it and couldn’t. In any event, it had improved itself in my absence as if some mysterious better self had been rewriting in the dark.

I was adding to the text of the old novel when interrupted by a knock on the door. I responded eagerly and with a sense of nervous relief.

It wasn’t Eva. It was a man, who looked familiar and who I assumed was Ron. He had a grim look on his face and I wondered if he was going to hit me. “Do you know where Eva is?” he asked me.

We were about the same height and weight. I didn’t invite him in, though I considered it. “Perhaps she’s at work,” I said.

“No,” he said in a tight voice. “She’s almost always home by now.”

I tried to think of a reason for her to have been held up but nothing came to mind. “Well, I haven’t seen her.”

He didn’t go away. “Is she by any chance in your place?” he asked.

“I can assure you she’s not,” I said, mildly outraged at the charge.

“In that case do you mind if I take a look?” he said. I was standing in his way and I sensed he considered knocking me aside.

I considered stepping aside. “I’m afraid you’ll have to take my word,” I said.

“I don’t believe in violence,” he said out of the blue. I could imagine us punching each other. He reminded me of my brother, who I never thought about and hadn’t talked to in years.

I wasn’t afraid of him. “Violence always has something to say for itself,” I said.

He took a step back. “Look,” he said, “if she’s not there, it won’t hurt to let me have a quick look.”

I didn’t like having my word questioned. If she was in my apartment, would I have told him? I imagined such a scenario.

During this standoff, each of us apparently conjecturing our next move, Eva appeared at her apartment door. Noticing Ron, she called to him. He went over to her and after a few muttered words I couldn’t hear, they went into her place together.

I was unacknowledged on all fronts and went back into my empty apartment feeling misused. Or if not misused, deprived. In any event, my word had been confirmed without my having to back down.

The confrontation had worn me out and I went to sleep or at least lay down to go to sleep. I don’t know how long it was when a knocking at the door jounced me from bed. This time it was in fact Eva. “I’m sorry about Ron’s behavior,” she said.

“That’s all right,” I said. “Why didn’t he come and apologize himself.?”

“I think he was embarrassed. Ron doesn’t like to find himself in the wrong. We hadn’t an appointment for today. He came without an invitation.”

“And was angry not to find you home.”

“Something like that,” she said. “I asked him what he would have done if he found me in your apartment.”

We were standing in the doorway and though I wasn’t sure what I wanted, I stepped aside to let her by.

She stood in the middle of my living room, undecided as to where to take herself.

“I had been taking a nap when you knocked,” I said.

She seemed to be thinking about her alternatives then said, “Later.” And let herself out.

We seemed to be back on the old footing. Or the illusion of the old footing. I lay down again for my nap and had trouble sleeping, kept hearing noises at the door. Twice I went to the door and found no one there.

So I knocked at Eva’s door and invited myself in, though I got no resistance only encouragement. This time I would be the aggressor.

“Let’s go into the bedroom,” I said. I took her by the hand.

“Give me a few minutes to straighten up,” she said.

I didn’t hesitate. “Let’s just go in,” I said “You don’t need to straighten up for me. You can straighten up afterward.”

“You won’t get an argument from me,” she said.

So we had sex — I won’t call it making love — for the first time on her bed, on my terms.

Or was it really on my terms or was that the illusion she was willing to grant me in order to get what she wanted. I was internalizing Klotzman’s position here. The sex itself was almost impersonal, a determined physical act with invisible traces of emotionality. It was hard to avoid feeling some kind of affection during the act, though I strove to stay level-headed. I had a cup of tea before leaving. She didn’t ask me to stay the night for which I was grateful.

In my own bed again, I felt whatever I had sacrificed, I was still my own person.

Where does it go from here? I wasn’t sure whether I wanted it to go anywhere. I had done what I had set out to do — sleep with Eva on my terms — and I saw no need to repeat the gesture. At least not right away, not as a going concern, which is what I told Klotzman.

“That’s your business,” he said. “It’s not my part to tell you what to do.”

“That didn’t always seem the case,” I said.

“What I’ve tried to do is help you make decisions, clarify the air. I’ve never tried to impose what I thought you ought to do, certainly not from a moral standpoint.”

“Sometimes it seemed that way,” I said.

“You were misinterpreting me,” he said. “Maybe I wasn’t making myself understood.”

I acknowledged the possibility. “I don’t know what to do next with respect to Eva.”

“Why do you have to do anything? What do you want to see happen?”

“I want everything to be as it was,” I said. “Is that unrealistic?”

“I would think there’s bound to be some change in your relationship,” he said. “Some change is unavoidable.”

What he said made sense but I resisted believing it. If Ron was still in the picture, and I had reason to believe he was, I had no obligation to Eva. A rush of guilt and shame passed through me. I wanted no obligations yet everything I did or didn’t do created new ones.

It was an unforgivable mistake to dispose of my old sofa. Inanimate or not, its betrayal haunted me. I wondered if there was some place I could find it again, ask its forgiveness, and restore it to its rightful place.

On the way out, I stopped at the desk and chatted up Carol, who was doing her nails. I asked her if she would consider going to the movies with me sometime. Without lifting her eyes, she said she would consider it sometime. I waited for more but that’s all there was.

When I got home I wondered what my next step vis-à-vis Eva would be. Then I thought maybe I didn’t have to make a decision right away. The sex, the first I had had with another in a long time, a very long time, didn’t ask to repeat itself.

That night I had another lineup dream. This time I was the one positioned to make the choice and the candidates were women or mostly women. In the first slot was my former wife, looking as she did when she left me. In the second slot was Eva — all this was clear. In the third slot was a familiar-looking woman I couldn’t quite identify. In the fourth slot was Carol, clearly the youngest and prettiest. In the fifth slot was my old couch, looking the worse for its absence from my room. I was told I had five minutes to decide, which didn’t seem quite enough but I intended to use it all. It was not an easy decision but in the end I decided on the battered couch. Someone behind me said, “Wise choice,” and I woke.

If I listened very carefully with my ear against the wall, I could generally tell if there was someone else in the apartment with Eva.

As if nothing had changed, Eva came by the next morning and asked me if I was up for a walk. I wasn’t going to turn her down, though it was snowing lightly out.

“Everything’s so pretty,” Eva said.

It just looked like snow to me, though I didn’t argue.

And then later: “Does it bother you, Mel, that I still see Ron sometimes?”

It was one of those questions that however you answer you are in the wrong. “I never asked you to stop seeing Ron.”

“If you want me to, I’ll think about it,” she said.

I wasn’t happy with the turn of the conversation so didn’t say anything for awhile.

“Well,” she said, “do you want me to stop seeing him?”

“I think you should make your decisions apart from anything I might want or not want,” I said, hoping not to give offense.

“In that case,” she said, “I’ll see him as I do now from time to time.”

We finished the walk in a mutually sour mood. She had offered me a gift which I had not only declined, I refused to honor as a gift. It was a gift I would have been happier never to have been offered. When we parted, she muttered thank you or something like that and went into her apartment. Our relationship such as it was, was moving in reverse.

While Ron was in her life, I had, to my way of seeing, no obligation to her.

I didn’t see her for another week and my refusal of her offer to stop seeing Ron seemed to have offended her. Finally I knocked on her door and asked her if she wanted to go for a walk. “Not now,” she said. She had never turned down a walk opportunity before.

In protecting myself from involvement, had I lost a friend? I was always lonely, but now I was lonelier than I had been.

With women — it was so with my former wife too — it was always all or nothing.

I have a brother I barely mentioned before, a half brother (different mothers) who I don’t know very well and I hadn’t seen in a long time. People used to say we resembled each other, but if I saw him on the street today I doubt that I would recognize him. It’s not likely I would pass him on the street because as far as I know he lives in another state or used to. We were never close, but the potentiality, or so I thought) was always there. The reason I bring him up is that in dreams, in which I live so much of my life, he dovetailed with Eva’s Ron and the dream imagined him as my long lost brother and rival. I’ve been told otherwise but my impression was that my father preferred him. The connection with Ron has stuck with me, though I’ve tried to shake it.

I confess, without having a good reason, I instinctively dislike Ron.

I brought the subject of my brother to Klotzman’s door, tired of talking about my peregrinations with Eva. For awhile, Klotzman just listened, punctuated by the occasional nod.

“He is a kind of rival where Eva is concerned,” Klotzman offered. “Perhaps that triggered the association.”

“I don’t consider him a rival,” I said. “His relationship to Eva relieves me of what might seem an obligation.”

“That’s a position you are pleased to take,” Klotzman said.

“You don’t believe it?”

“I believe you believe it,” he said.

His superior tone was annoying me. “What are you saying, if anything?”

“I didn’t mean to offend you, Mel. If I did, I apologize. What I was saying if anything was that there are beliefs we hold as set pieces.”

“Are you saying that deep in my unconscious, I have doubts that I’ve shut off. I don’t think so in this case. The cliché response would be to be jealous of Ron.”

“Cliché responses are sometimes accurate. You admit being jealous of your brother.”

“That may be a set piece I don’t fully believe in.”

“But you still hold — am I right — That you’re grateful to this Ron person for being in your way?”

“Yes,” I said, “but not quite in the way you put it. I’m pleased not to have any obligation to Eva and Ron’s presence assures that.”

“And what would this obligation you’re pleased to avoid be otherwise?” he asked in his self-satisfied way, knowing I had no answer.

“We’ve been through this,” I said. “You know the answer.”

He crossed his arms. “Mel, do you know the answer? I think we’re talking about an irrational feeling.”

“As you’ve told me,” I said, “a feeling counts for what it is, rational or not.”

“Why do I feel we’re in a competition all the time?” he said. “I don’t mean to belittle your feeling whatever its source. I just think you ought to challenge your beliefs more. Maybe I’m wrong.”

The session ended in a kind of armed truce and I left, which was rare, feeling better than when I came in.

On the way out, Carol said to me, “When are we doing this movie you talked about?”

I thought she had forgotten my offer. “How about tonight?” I said.

“Oh, I can’t tonight,” she said. “I have a previous appointment.”

I thought of naming another date, but that seemed folly. “Some other time,” I said.

She glanced up at me with what seemed a wry smile. “Take care,” she said.

I mumbled the same and left.

When I got home Ron was leaving the building and we exchanged curt nods. It seemed to me in the extended period I hadn’t seen Eva, Ron was around somewhat more often, though I may have been imagining it.

I waited about a half hour then knocked at Eva’s door. She seemed ruffled when she answered the door and before I could say anything said, “I’m not going for a walk with you.” Still she didn’t close the door in my face and I asked if this was a permanent situation.

My question seemed to take her aback. “Look, Mel,” she said, “give me twenty minutes to get dressed and we’ll go.”

“Will you knock at my door when you’re ready?” I asked.

“In twenty minutes,” she said.

It was more like forty minutes but she showed up and we went out together like old times. We chatted freely for awhile on this and that, the states of our health, the weather, but nothing controversial. It had warmed up and she had on an attractive outfit. After awhile I commented that she was looking particularly good.

She said thank you as if surprised at the compliment, compliments not being my style.

Without warning it started to rain and we took shelter under a drug store awning, waiting for the rain, which was briefly torrential, to calm itself.

“Not a good day for our walk,” I said.

“I don’t mind getting a little wet,” she said. “It makes the walk into an adventure.”

It didn’t seem like much of an adventure to me, but I didn’t say that. She seemed in an unusually good mood and I didn’t want to quash it or I did and I didn’t.

The rain glistened on her face.

We waited a long time for the rain to lighten and when it did, we headed back.

I was uncomfortable being wet, but I bore it without complaint. I was caught in the throes of trying to figure out what I wanted.

When we got to her door, she said she had a nice time and would I like to come in for a cup of tea. I said I had to get out of my wet clothes first.

“Of course,” she said.

When I got into my apartment, I took a hot shower. I was lying down on my new couch when I wondered whether Eva expected me to come back after I changed my clothes. The question was, did I want to go back. As usual, I didn’t and I did. As usual, I went back and forth, nagging myself about what to do.

After an hour or so of going back and forth, I decided to go over to Eva’s place. I knocked and waited for her. I thought to say, “It took a while for me to dry off” She never answered — was it that Ron had come — and I knocked again before returning to my own place. Now that I had decided to visit, it was disappointing not to be allowed in.

I worked myself up into a state of outrage. Outrage leads to irrational acts. I returned to Eva’s door and knocked heavily on it. This time she did answer. “I can’t talk now,” she said, “I have a guest.”

“You invited me in for a cup of tea,” I sputtered.

“That was awhile ago,” she said. “Besides you rejected my offer.”

“Sorry for disturbing you,” I said, and went back to my place, outrage barely assuaged. I didn’t ask if her guest was Ron but who else would it be?

I lay down on my couch, thinking of a sentence I might add to my new story, which had stalled, rewrote it in my head and fell asleep, dreaming of beautiful sentences. There is always, or mostly always, comfort in sleep. Sometimes I dream of stories to write and then wake to find the story not what I thought it was — the dream story fading into nothing.

I need to get a job again, to go back to work outside the house, but I postpone doing anything. The thing is I don’t like to work for anyone. I don’t like being under anyone’s arbitrary authority. Who does? I walked out of my last job because my immediate boss seemed to take pleasure in ordering me around.

Later I had a dream in which I worked for Ron as his personal assistant. I refused in the dream to take an order to bring him a cup of latte and he threatened, never raising his voice, to have me demoted. Demoted from what? How low can you get? He said he had heard from others that I was unreliable and he was sorry now he had taken me on.

“Get your own fucking latte,” I told him.

In some situations it’s a virtue to be unreliable.

I studied the prospects for self-employment. There were ads here and there for selling various products over the phone. That seemed a possibility, but I’m not very adept at talking to strangers and I needed a job that would get me out of the house. Now it seemed that Klotzman had the ideal job. After awhile a patient no longer seems like a stranger. The problem is that it would be hard passing myself off as a therapist without the proper credentials. I could take the appropriate courses or, as I’ve done with so much else, fake it. First I’d have to complete my B.A. I was only eight hours short (or was it twelve hours?) when I left school. I had put B.A. in English on all my applications when I applied for jobs in the past and no one had thought to question the claim.

I asked Dr. Klotzman how many years of study it took to become an analyst.

“In all, probably four years, maybe five. Why do you ask? Are you thinking about becoming an analyst?”

That stopped me short. “Thinking about it,” I muttered.

“Well,” he said, “you don’t need to get an MD or a Ph. D. You could take a two year course in psychoanalysis.”

“I’ll think about it,” I said, though I had already ruled it out. “You were right the other day about what I said about Ron. I’d just as soon see him disappear from Eva’s life. I think of him now as my nemesis.”

“Do you want to elaborate on that?”

“It may not be literally true, but he seems always in my way.”

“Didn’t Eva offer to drop him if you wanted her to,” he said.

He had a good memory. “That was several weeks ago,” I said. “That offer hasn’t been repeated. What I did, I think, was solidify Ron’s relationship with her.”

“You don’t really know that, do you?”

“He’s around more than he used to be. It feels like he’s around all the time.”

“He appears to want a relationship with Eva,” he said. “On the other hand you’re not sure what you want. What do you want?”

“It changes from day to day,” I said. “All I want is access to Eva when I want to see her.”

“And Eva wants some kind of commitment that you’re not willing to give here. That’s what it sounds like to me.”

He had me there. “I realize I’ve messed things up.” I said. I felt tears form in my eyes, but I fought them off.

“From where I sit,” he said, “you’ve been standoffish and rejecting with Eva while Ron has pursued her unambiguously.”

“I’m sorry about that now.”

“You can always change your approach,” he said. “It just depends on knowing what you want and acting on it.”

“That’s just it. What I want changes from day to day. Sometimes from hour to hour.”

“That sounds accurate,” he says. “Sometimes you have to compromise with immediate feelings to get what you want in the long run.”

“Why can’t Eva see me once in a while.? I just want to be her friend.”

“It sounds to me that she wants more than that from you.”

“That’s just not fair,” I said. “That’s not right.”

“We’re talking about feelings,” he said. “Fair and right have nothing to do with it.”

“You’re supposed to be on my side,” I said.

“Mel, I am on your side. I’m trying to give you a clear picture of the situation. You see that, don’t you?”

“No,” I said. “Yes.” And that’s how our session ended.

When I got home, I tried to figure out what I wanted and to pursue a course of action in my own best interest. I was lying on the red couch mulling things over and fell asleep.

I dreamed of a lineup of five Ron look-alikes, though not one of them was exactly Ron.

“I can’t tell them apart,” I said to the policeman next to me. “They’re almost identical.”

“That’s why you’re here,” the cop said. “Only you can tell them apart. One of them is your so-called nemesis.”

I looked carefully at the five figures in the lineup. One of them was probably the real Ron, but which? I figured it was a trick and the one that looked least like Ron — for example three had a mustache which looked fake — was the real one.

“Is the mustache on candidate three real?” I asked. “Since I’ve known him, Ron has never worn a mustache.” I thought of getting closer and pulling it off. “Eva would know better than I do,” I said.

“She was not available,” the policeman said. “Indisposed. You’re our only hope, but if you pull number three’s mustache, we’ll have to arrest you for tampering with evidence.”

I backed up. “I don’t like any of them,” I said. They were all except three smiling now.

“According to the rules, you can only choose one,” he said. “If you don’t choose, you automatically become the choice.”

With heavy heart — I didn’t want to incriminate the wrong man — I was about to choose three when I woke, thinking I had my chance to get rid of him and I didn’t take it.

As it turned out, I didn’t (not at the moment) have to make the dreaded decision as to what to do. Iit was all out of my hands. Eva showed up at my door all smiles and apologized for having been abrupt with me. “I had been having a fight with Ron when you came to the door and I took it out on you. Shall we take one of our walks?”

I didn’t see why not and we went off together. “I’m glad we’re friends again,” I said.

“We never stopped being friends,” she said. “It was my anger at Ron that I let carry over to you.”

“Thank you for telling me that,” I said. I wanted to say more but I was silent as we walked another two blocks.

“Are you still looking for a job?” she asked.

I don’t remember telling her I was looking for a job, but I must have.

“If you are,” she said, “there’s an opening at the place I work for a person to stay the night as a deterrent to someone breaking in and stealing drugs. There’d be no one to order you around and they have a nice room with a cot and a TV for the person to stay in.”

“A night watchman?”

“They don’t call it that. You say you like to write at night and this would provide an opportunity. And if you nodded off, no one would mind, no one would know. It’s a very comfortable room. I’ve visited it. They let the last person go because he was stealing drugs.”

It sounded like the kind of job I wouldn’t mind. “It sounds like something I could do,” I said.

“Of course you could,” she said, taking my hand and then letting it go. “If I recommend you, which I will, they’ll be sure to take you. It’s a medical supply place that services several hospitals.”

I could use a job and this sounded preferable to whatever else I was considering. “You say there will be no one to boss me around?”

“I will tell them you’re a friend of mine,” Eva said, “and that you’re totally responsible.”

So two days later or rather two nights later I started work at Empire Medical Supplies as their night person. It was a nice room they gave me and it had a direct line to the police station for emergencies. For awhile the nights were uneventful, but I remained anxious, pacing the floor, unable to concentrate on my sentences, unable to read, sleep out of the question. They had issued me a pistol which made me feel at once dangerous and vulnerable to the unseen.

Eva visited on occasion, short visits, and those were the best times. She would ask how I was doing and I would say I was doing all right, not wanting to show her my inability to be at ease with my surroundings.

I didn’t know how long I could continue without going crazier than I already was. I reached the point I was hoping for some excitement. As Klotzman used to tell me be careful what you wish for out of desperation. Occasionally I would hear or think I heard someone fiddling with the locks on my door. I picked up my gun and stood alertly by but fairly shortly after that the noise stopped. Except this one time I heard a persistent banging on the door. “Let me in,” a voice cried, “I’ll make you rich.” A twenty dollar bill slid under the door. “There’s more where that came from,” the voice said. “Have a heart, whoever is in there.”

To show my incorruptibility, I slid the twenty dollars back.

“What’s it to you?” the voice said. “I just want a little opium and then I’ll go away.”

I thought of calling the police, bur outside of my dreams it was not my way to call the police.

He changed his tone. “Have a heart,” he said. “I need the stuff.”

He seemed to be waiting for an answer, but he didn’t get one.

Finally, about twenty minutes later, I heard some noises on the other side of the building. I picked up my gun and warily made my way toward where the sounds were coming.

It was dark and I held a flashlight in one hand and the gun in the other. “Who’s there?” I called into the darkness. I regretted not calling the police. I wasn’t even sure which was the room that stocked the drugs.

I called out several times and got no answer. Finally, I heard some movement and I made my way toward it at no great pace, hoping whoever it was would be gone when I got there.

I was in over my head and I figured whatever happened, this would be my last day on the job.

I went from room to room at my snail’s pace and was relieved to find no one. Whoever had been there had come and gone. I did find one of the cabinet doors open in one of the back rooms.

I made my report without apologies and expected to be fired. The odd thing was no one asked to talk to me or told me what was missing. It was as if nothing had happened.

I described the incident to Eva who seemed bemused. I told her I was ready to give up the job, but she urged me to stay another week. “You don’t want to let some junky break your spirit,” she said. “I’ll find out what if anything is missing.”

The next night was uneventful, but I heard sounds — wind blowing against windows perhaps — or imagined I heard them and I was on my guard.

Eva reported that a cabinet door had been broken open but nothing was missing. “Your calling out as you did must have scared off whoever it was.”

“The Head of Security is pleased with the way you handled it,” she said.

“I’m not pleased with the way I handled things,” I said. “One more week and that’s it,” I said.

“You’ll see how it goes,” she said. “Once the routine is established, you may even find it painless.”

The next few days I lay on the cot with the gun at my side. Every two hours I toured the rest of the building, shouting “who’s there” at no one as I made my way through the empty rooms.

True to my plan, I quit at the end of the next week and I had to go through the humiliation of being frisked before I left. Not exactly frisked, but I was told to empty my pockets, which I had first refused before doing as asked. So much for that job.

A few weeks later, I rented myself out as an assistant carpenter, for which I had some training, to a nice enough man who made porch swings. I know I said I didn’t want to work for anyone, but the guy who hired me, Andre, had an easy-going manner, and for three days work I made slightly more than I did for a whole week of night security.

Klotzman seemed to approve of my taking a job and it was good to have somewhere to go three days a week.

“That’s interesting,” Eva said, on one of our walks. “Ron is also a carpenter.”

The news didn’t surprise, though I went through the motions with Eva of seeming taken aback. Well at least I wasn’t working for Ron.

I hadn’t done any carpentry for years and I thought if I regained my skills, at some point I could go into business for myself. The job didn’t last long.

Two months or so down the road, I got a call from the Head of Security from my former job, asking me to come in for an interview.

“What for?” I asked.

“We need to clear up some odds and ends,” he said.

So I made the mistake of going in to his office.

“What are these odds and ends I asked him?”

“Well”, he said, not looking at me, “we had a recent inventory and we discovered a cache of opium was missing and we wondered if you might shed some light on the disappearance.”

“During my first week on the job there was a break in and it might have happened then. That’s all I can think of.”

“I don’t think so,” he said.

“Why not?”

“Because there was no break in,” he said. “It was a staged event.” He lifted his head from his papers and stared at me,

“Who staged it?” I asked.

Harsh laugh. “Don’t you know?” he asked. “It could only have been you. All the evidence points to you. I tell you what if you return the opium, nothing will be said.”

“I have no opium,” I said.

“Have you sold it?” he asked.

“I never had any opium. You’re making a mistake.”

“Am I? Are you willing to take a lie detector test?”

Though I’d never taken one, I was afraid that with my free-floating guilt I wouldn’t do well. “I’d rather not,” I said.

“I can imagine why,” he said.

“No you can’t,” I said.

“Don’t give me any lip,” he said. “The first time I saw you I knew there was something fishy about you.”

So I agreed reluctantly to come back in two days and take the test, hoping I could get by.

The results were inconclusive which assured him of my guilt and he gave me another opportunity to return what I didn’t have. Since he couldn’t prosecute me, he would nose it around that I was a thief.

He called Andre and said he had a thief working for him and that he ought to fire me.

When he questioned me, I told Andre the guy from security was mistaken and he said he believed me. Besides there was nothing to steal from his shop.

I thought that issue was over, but two months later, Andre said business was slow and he couldn’t afford me any more.

Eva told me they had been hassling her at work because of me. “Did you take something?” she asked me.

“Do you have to ask?” I said, feeling flush with guilt.

“I suppose not,” she said, “but how well do I really know you? How well does anyone know anyone?”

“I’m disappointed to hear you say that,” I said. “I think you know me well enough to know I wouldn’t embarrass you by stealing at a job you recommended me for.”

She seemed to be thinking about what I said. “Are you saying that if I hadn’t recommended you for that job, say if you had got it on your own, you would consider stealing something you were hired to protect?”

“That’s not what I meant. I’m innocent,” I shouted at her.

“I want to believe you are,” she said. “Under certain circumstances, anyone is capable of anything. I think you said that yourself.”

We were taking one of our walks at the time of this confrontation and I thought of leaving her and turning back. I felt betrayed by her attitude. Instead I was bitterly silent, waiting for an apology.

“Why are they so sure you took the opium?” she asked.

“How do I know?”

“What did the security man say when he interviewed you?”

“He said I had a fishy look about me,” I said.

She laughed. “You do have a fishy look sometimes. I suppose it was convenient to blame you. The theft happened under your watch.”

“Do you believe me or not?”

She reached for my hand, which I put behind my back. “Mel, of course I believe you. The whole episode is very fishy. Maybe the Head of Security stole the opium.”

I had thought of that, but it didn’t seem likely. “I think the guy who broke in stole it.”

“They say there’s no evidence that anyone broke in,” she said.

“I know someone broke in,” I said, “evidence or not. Maybe he didn’t get what he wanted the first time and broke in again. The whole thing’s a kind of mystery.”

This time I let her take my hand. “I told them,” she said, “you couldn’t have done it. I defended you. That’s when they started hassling me. They even suggested I might have been an accomplice. I have been working there for over three years. You see why I’m so upset.”

It felt to me something I had done had gotten her into trouble. “Sorry,” I said.

“I’ve been seriously thinking of quitting,” she said, “but it would probably look like an admission of guilt.”

“Don’t quit,” I told her.

She squeezed my hand. “I won’t,” she said. “Thank you for your support.”

I wondered when I got home if this fight with Eva, if that’s what it was, had brought us closer or further apart. Was it significant that she didn’t invite me in on our return?

I had been talking off and on with Klotzman about the charge the Head of Security had made against me. At least he appeared to believe in my innocence.

“What I don’t understand,” he said, “is that it appears you’ve been terribly wronged, yet you show virtually no passion at being mistreated. If I were in your sneakers, I would have called the Head of Security a hateful son of a bitch or worse. You may even have had some legal recourse. You just take it all with your head down.”

“It wouldn’t have made any difference,” I said. “You know I have trouble standing up for myself.”

“Well, that’s what you’re here for, to learn to speak up for yourself. I know the feelings of guilt you talk about stand in the way, but you have to try to override them and not make excuses for yourself.”

“I did show some passion with Eva when she questioned me about the missing opium.”

“Good, but Eva’s your friend. She hasn’t informed the world that you are a thief and maybe even an addict.”

“I once at a party tasted opium and it made me sick,” I said. “I threw up afterward. If it hadn’t made me sick, I might have become a user and one thing would have led to another.”

“We’re not talking about might have,” he said. “We’re talking about what is in the real world. We all might have done things we haven’t done, but if we haven’t done them, we haven’t done them.”

I replayed his comment in my head but I refused to acknowledge the justice of it. “I lied about tasting opium,” I said, “but it might have happened. I’ve smoked marijuana on occasion.”

“Marijuana is not the same as opium,” he said.

“That’s not the way the law looks at it,” I said.

“Sometimes the law makes mistakes,” he said. “Anyway it seems to me we’re going around in circles. There is a difference between thought and deed, as you know. And the issue here is not letting someone blame you for something you didn’t do without giving him hell in return. Okay?”

“Okay,” I muttered as if the acknowledgment had been dragged out of me.

As usual, I felt worse, more of a failure, when I left Klotzman than when I came in.

I raised my fist inside my own apartment and looking in the mirror, fantasized ways of getting back at “the hateful son of a bitch.” But it was my face not the Head of Security’s that stared back helplessly from the mirror. I had no weapons at hand. The only thing I could think of was getting a car, though I hadn’t driven in almost a year, and running down the bastard when he was leaving work. I could wait for him in the car, wearing dark glasses, parked inconspicuously across the street from the exit then trail him until the opportunity presented itself. I didn’t have to kill him. Just maim the bastard, break something before slipping away. The thing was to get my hands on a nondescript car and clip him when there were no witnesses. Hard to find an empty street at that time. Be patient. Wait for the ideal moment. Then bam, take him down. Hit him in such a way as to leave no blood on the car. I could do that, I thought, talking up my courage, doubting it all the time, knowing I lacked whatever it was to follow through.

Why did I give back the gun they gave me when I left the job? It might be easier to wait in a doorway and shoot him when he went by, slipping away in the dark, dropping the weapon in the river. What river was I thinking of? If only I had conveniently forgotten about returning the gun. I wouldn’t know where to get another one. I had never owned a gun.

Possibly I could lure him some place where there was a cliff and sneak up behind and push the hateful bastard off, watching him scream as I hurried away.

I worked out in strenuous detail even more impossible plans then, tired, lay down on the couch in a guilty sweat, feeling I had in some way gotten back at him. I saw him in my dreams a broken man, smashed up bleeding profusely, begging for help that would not come.

The thought sufficed for the deed only for awhile. Reality, that uninvited guest, would at some point intrude. If only wishes could kill. For days I thought of schemes for getting him and some of the time I allowed myself to think I had. The power of the powerless lies in fantasy.

And then, walking with Eva, she told me that Warren, the Head of Security, had been let go.

It seemed so right I might have dreamed it. “What did he do?” I asked.

“No one will say,” she said. “There are rumors, but I suspect it’s all guess work.”

I was hungry for information. “What are the rumors you heard.”

“I shouldn’t spread rumors,” she said. “I thought you would be glad to hear that he had been fired.”

I couldn’t tell her how glad I was. “Tell me about the rumors,” I said.

“The usual things,” she said, “that he had been drinking on the job, that he had taken some drugs from one of the cabinets, stuff like that. Someone said she had heard he had raped one of the staff.”

“What do you think?” I asked, unwilling to let the subject die.

“I barely knew him,” she said. “Most of what I knew of him is what you told me. He was certainly cruel to you.”

If he was cruel to me, he likely was cruel to others as well.

“When they hired him, they wanted someone who was tough, she said. “I remember someone saying that Warren would take no prisoners, as if that were a virtue.”

As we walked I feasted on the news of Warren’s comedown while trying to keep it to myself, my pleasure tainted with shame. I felt deep down that I had done it and was almost sorry. He probably needed the job, I thought.

“You seem lost in thought,” she said. “Your enemy’s comeuppance doesn’t seem to have made you any happier. I thought you’d be overjoyed at the news, Mel.”

“I don’t think we should take pleasure in other peoples misfortunes, even if deserved,” I said sententiously.

She squeezed my hand again. “I agree,” she said. “It pleases me that you’re not vindictive, though sometimes I think that you don’t stand up for yourself enough. If Warren stole drugs then it couldn’t have been you.”

I had thought of that. “Isn’t it all rumor?” I said.

“Some rumors are true,” she said. “If you like, I’ll talk to them about hiring you to replace him. It’s a long shot, of course. Would you like me to talk to them for you.”

“What does a Head of Security do?”

“I don’t know,” she said. “For one, he hires people like you to police the premises at night.”

“I suppose he also checks the credentials of your staff,” I said. “I could do that, though I have no experience in that line of work.”

“I’ll find out what the job description is,” she said, “and show it to you. How much experience do you need to do a job like that? What you need is a certain amount of intelligence, which you have, and a certain amount of integrity.”

I didn’t know that I wanted the job, though my replacing Warren seemed fitting in its way. “There are procedures I know nothing about.”

The more reticence I showed, the more determined she was in getting me the job.

“At least let me talk to the woman doing the hiring about you,” she said. “If by any chance they offer you the job, you can always decline it then. Okay?”

“I’ll think about it,” I said.

I told Klotzman about Eva recommending me for the Head of Security job and he responded with a blank look. “Is that the kind of job you really want?” he asked.

“I could do it,” I said. “I don’t think I’ll get it.”

“I have to say,” he said in his know-it-all way, “I’d be greatly surprised if you got it. But say you did, would you take it?”

“I don’t know,” I said, “I might. Why not?”

He held up his hands as if someone were attacking him. “It just seems to me a strange job for someone who has problems with feelings of guilt.”

I didn’t disagree. “Everything is hard if you have constant feelings of guilt. What does a Head of Security do?”

“I don’t even know.”

He shook his head. “You had better find out if you’re going to interview for the job. Don’t you think, Mel?”

I admitted that made sense. Still, I was taken aback by his negative attitude.

“You once told me, Dr. Klotzman, that I could do most things if I set my mind to it.”

“That was your mother that told you that. What I said is that you’re capable of more things than you know.”

“Well, maybe I could do this job, if I set my mind to it,” I said. His negativity was making me sound more positive than I felt.

“Maybe you could,” he allowed, “but first I should think you would have to know what the job entailed.”

More unfelt bravado. “I like the idea of replacing the man who disgraced me.”

“I see,” he said. “A little while back you wanted to be a therapist. This job might require some of the same skills.”

“I thought of that,” I said. “This may all be academic if I don’t get an interview.”

“As long as you don’t have excessive expectations,” he said.

As it turned out, I did get an interview, which surprised me and didn’t. Eva must have really sung my praises, though she told me her friend, Margaret, who did the hiring, seemed receptive to what she said.

For the interview I wore the only suit I had, a grey-striped thing years out of style, ironing it myself to make it look less ragged.

Margaret made me feel at ease as much as I ever did. I showed her my career resume, which was embarrassingly flimsy. She studied it, then put it aside. “It’s not a hard job,” she said, “but you haven’t done much in this line.”

I admitted that was the case. “It represents a challenge,” I said, afraid she might laugh at the remark.

“You like challenges?” she asked.

I couldn’t very well say I didn’t, which was nearer to the truth. “I would be a kinder, gentler Head of Security than the last one.”

That made her laugh. “And you do have computer skills?”

I said I did, another overstatement.

“Are you good at judging character?” she asked.

“I think so,” I said, another overstatement. I was acting the role Eva had written for me.

The rest of the interview was more of the same with Margaret making the assumptions and me modestly not denying them. She apologized after the interview was concluded at Warren’s mistreatment of me. We shook hands before I left but I felt a kiss might not be out of the question.

The next day Eva told me I had made a favorable impression, though Margaret wasn’t going to make a decision until after a few more interviews. “Congratulations,” she said.

So Eva was happy with me and for the moment I was happy with myself.

The next day Eva told me I had a strong competitor, someone who had a number of security jobs in his resume. “That’s all right,” I said. “I have no expectations. After all, I’m not qualified.”

A few days later, I got a call from Empire Medical Supplies offering me the job. They wanted, I was told, someone with a fresh approach.

I went into work the next day and was given a much larger office than previously, one on the top floor. It had a sign on the door: Head of Security. I wore my old suit, my only suit, but I thought a job like this deserved a replacement. My first day on the job, I fiddled with the computer on my desk, made an effort at looking busy in case anyone came around. I played solitaire on the computer and lost several games before I won one. No one looked in on me, though I got a few interoffice calls asking how I was doing. I had the same answer for each. “Swimmingly.” I said. I left my desk twice to go to the bathroom. They had a very congenial Men’s Room on my floor.

The next day was more of the same, but I was beginning to get bored. There was a file cabinet in the room with files on each of the employees. Mostly just resumes. There were a few letters of commendation — Eva had two — and in one a complaint from one employee of another. Reading through the files filled part of the day, though I have to say there was not much of interest. Toward closing Eva came in to ask how I was getting along. “Swimmingly,” I said.

My pre-planned remark seemed to please her. “Don’t let me down,” she said. “I went out on a limb for you.”

Could I tell her that I had no idea what was expected of me? I said I’d do my best to be worthy of her recommendation, and in fact I was doing my best.

At the end of the first week, I conducted a series of interviews for the night watchman position I had once filled.

The job title was Auxiliary Security Person. Each of the four people I talked to seemed competent to fill the post and, which was always my problem, I couldn’t choose among them, which was always my problem. They all seemed honest enough. After the interviews were concluded, I shuffled through the resumes looking for the clearly best possibility, but each had something to recommend him. One of the candidates was an older man with frightened eyes who looked like he needed the job more than the others. He seemed to have gone from one hapless job to another, doing anything that required no experience that would pay the bills. In the interview there was a kind of desperation in his voice. He said, repeatedly so, that he was prepared to do whatever the situation required. He reminded me of myself, an older frailer version of me and I leaned toward choosing him. Still, a younger, stronger-looking man might be more of what was needed. One of the candidates had been a bouncer for ten years and looked big enough to handle anything that got in his way. On the downside, he didn’t seem very bright, but maybe a dullard was best for that job.

I went home without making a decision, though Margaret came in and seemed eager to hear my choice. I said I would give her my choice tomorrow morning and she consented, though I could tell she wanted me to choose on the spot.

When I got home, I worried over the choice and I had one of my lineup dreams. In my dream were the four job candidates each wearing a grey smock that looked like a prison uniform and in the fifth spot my old red couch, looking worse than ever. I was there in a police uniform giving orders, instructing the candidates in turn to do a dance step as if someone were shooting at their feet. And then I began shooting at their feet to help them along. The older man lost his balance and fell to his knees while the others jumped up and down, dodging my bullets. I called out: “Will somebody please pick up that man that fell to his knees? Everyone ought to be standing.” And then I woke. I had to choose the older man, whether he was the best for the job or not. His falling in the dream was the sign.

I went in to Margaret’s office and when I told her who I wanted for the job she seemed surprised. but shrugged and said, “It’s your call, Mel. I’ll inform him that he starts tonight. I’m curious: what about this man made you pick him over the others?”

I had no good reason to offer. “Instinct,” I said.

“Well, we’ll see how he works out,” she said.

I could tell by the way she said what she did that if the old guy messed up in some way, it would be a black mark on my record.

That I didn’t hear anything for a week seemed a good omen. I left the office from time to time to look around, to check that everything was all right. Isn’t that what security does, check on things.

There were more interviews for jobs but not competitions as before. I approved everyone that came before me. There was never any reason not to.

I asked Eva on one of our walks what the perception was about me. She said she didn’t know but that she had heard no complaints. How did I feel it was going? “I have no idea,” I said. “Sometimes I think I’m swimming in space.”

“Whatever that means,” she said.

“It means,” I said, “that I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m making up the job as I go along.”

“No one will know that unless you tell them.” She said.

“I’m thinking of giving it up,” I said. “I promised you one more week. It’s been three more weeks.”

“You can’t keep quitting jobs,” she said.

“Why not?” I said.

“You’ll get a reputation for being irresponsible,” she said.

“Would my reputation be better if they fired me?”

“No one is going to fire you,” she said. “If they were dissatisfied, Margaret would have said something to me.”

So I continued on in my gray suit, pretending to know what I was doing. I began to think maybe that’s what most people do. Pretend to be living the life they’ve been assigned.

I asked Klotzman if he ever felt he was a fraud and he gave me this insulted look. “Is that what you think of me?” he asked.

“I was thinking about myself,” I said. “I know I’m a fraud.”

“Mel, you tend to think you’re faking it even when you’re not,” he said. “Isn’t that so?”

“Whatever. In any event, I’m faking this job.”

“So you’ve said. Maybe what you’re doing or not doing is the nature of the job.”

“I’ve thought about that,” I’ve said.

“And?”

“It could be true, but that doesn’t make me any less of a fraud.”

“If they’re satisfied with the job you’re doing, don’t let it bother you. No one has complained or said anything, have they?”

“They could be humoring me as a favor to Eva,” I said. I had just thought of that.

“I suppose that’s a remote possibility,” he said, “but it isn’t very likely in my opinion.”

We went around in circles, neither convincing the other.

“Did I tell you,” I said. “I sleep with Eva these days on a regular basis.”

“You hadn’t,” he said. “You only mentioned that there was this one time. That seems like progress.”

“Eva and I sleep together every Thursday,” I said.

“Every Thursday,” he repeated, as if fastening on to the idea. “That seems somewhat rigid. Never on Wednesday or Sunday?”

“You know,” I said, “I like things to be set in a certain way. It lowers the anxiety threshold.”

“How long has this been going on?” he asked.

“Two weeks now,” I said.

“That’s not quite long enough to seem an established routine.”

“We take walks together on Thursdays,” I explained, “and when we come back, we go into her apartment and have sex.”

He seemed to want to say something but censored himself. “Fine,” he said, “if that suits you both.”

“I know it suits me,” I said. “I thought you’d see it as a kind of breakthrough.”

“Uh huh,” he said. “What does she do the rest of the week?”

“I don’t ask and she doesn’t tell.” I said.

“Is what’s his name, Ronnie, still on the scene?” he asked. “Your safety valve.”

“I haven’t seen him around, but that doesn’t mean anything. The job keeps me away from the apartment. It’s Ron, not Ronnie.”

“You’ve made some strides,” he said to me. “Are you pleased with yourself?”

That was a hard question for me to answer. “I’m never really pleased with myself,” I said, “but the answer to your question is yes. As I said, I’m still trying to figure out this job. I don’t like feeling like a fraud.”

“You seem genuine enough to me,” he said.

“Well,” I said, “it’s your job to make me feel better about myself.”

I still played with the idea of doing something mildly outrageous at work to see how they would respond. I thought of putting my gray suit back in the closet and coming in to work in jeans. Dressing down might bring me a dressing down, might even get me fired. It would probably be easier just to give them my notice, though I had promised Eva I would hang in.

I played the possibilities against one another. Would it be better to disgrace myself or break a promise to Eva. Trapped in the dilemma, I did neither, did nothing for a while.

I kept finding more things for me to do on the job, anything to feel less fraudulent. I took it on myself to do an inventory on what we kept in the cabinets. I learned how to run lie detector tests in case the occasion came for me to administer one.

Even so, I told Eva one more week and that was it for me.

“Two more weeks,” she urged me.

“Two more weeks and that’s it,” I said.

When two more weeks passed I wasn’t ready to quit. Maybe Eva suspected this all the time. Anyway, I began to like the job as well as anyone can like any job. I felt the Empire Medical Center was my home away from home. I no longer felt fraudulent. I can’t explain why. The feeling just went away. I was a staple of the place and everyone around was very nice to me. And though I didn’t altogether know what I was doing, I worked very hard at it. Conducting interviews for job openings, conducting lie detector tests for new employees.

I told Eva that I thought I’d stay a little longer. “I’m proud of you,” she said. No one, so far as memory allowed, had ever been proud of me before. It made me feel guilty to have her proud of me, but I swallowed it.

Klotzman thought I had turned a corner in my life. I knew better. It was just a temporary upside and I told him so. It made me nervous to have all these people happy with me. My dreams reflected the ambiguity. There were five versions of me in a lineup and the real me was the one choosing the winning candidate. “Not fair,” someone yelled, and two plainclothes police came along and dragged me away.

“If I’m not there, who’ll choose the right one?” I said.

“Don’t worry,” cop one said. “The right one will choose himself.”

I woke in a sweat, wondering how the right one of the five would know to choose himself.

“You have some ambivalence being an authority,” Klotzman said, in his analysis of the dream. “You want to be chosen for whatever but you don’t want full responsibility for choosing yourself.”

“I’d rather go unnoticed,” I said. “It makes me uncomfortable having everyone noticing me.”

“It may make you uncomfortable,” he said, “or it may make the former you uncomfortable, but you seem to be handling it.”

His remark sounded true but I didn’t want to believe it. “Like everything else, it’s an illusion,” I said.

“What else is an illusion in your book?” he asked. “What does the everything refer to?”

I couldn’t answer that one. “It means,” I said, straining to justify myself” just because I feel like a fraud some of the time, it doesn’t mean I am no longer a fraud.”

“It could also mean,” he said, “that just because you felt like a fraud didn’t mean you were a fraud. You never allow yourself to be in the right.”

I was in a feisty mood. “It could also mean that, but it doesn’t,” I said. Then I apologized for disputing his perception, the apology undermined by a certain irony.

“You have a right to dispute what I say,” he said, “if you don’t believe it. I’m not asking you to take my perceptions on faith.”

“And I don’t,” I said.

“I saw Ron again for the first time in awhile, standing outside Eva’s door. We nodded at each other. The door opened and he went in.”

Though it wasn’t my day — it wasn’t Thursday — I was angry at his being there.

What did I expect? Well, I thought, now that I didn’t need him, maybe she had dropped Ron. Apparently, she hadn’t and there was nothing I could do about it. I was ready for Ron to disappear. The new me was more aggressive than the old one who was super passive. On my next walk with Eva, I brought Ron’s name into the conversation.

“Do you ever see Ron?” I asked her, pretending I hadn’t noticed him in the hall.

She was slow to answer. “It’s my recollection,” she said, “that you didn’t care whether I saw Ron or not.”

“It’s my recollection,” I said, “that at some point you were eager to stop seeing him.”

“I don’t recall saying that exactly,” she said. “I wanted at some point to see less of him. which is different. I like Ron in small doses.”

“You said if I wanted you to, you would stop seeing Ron,” I said.

“I did say that,” she said, “and you said you didn’t care. Isn’t that right?”

I was stymied for a moment. I wasn’t ready to ask her to stop seeing Ron altogether, though I was ready to accept it if she made the offer.

No such offer was forthcoming, which soured my mood.

She wanted to know why I was so down in the mouth. “This couldn’t be about Ron, could it?” she asked.

I was not about to tell her that it was. I let my glumness speak for itself.

“What do you want?” she asked.

“I don’t know what you mean,” I said.

“What do you want of me is what I’m asking. Do you want to see more of me?”

We had been taking our walks about three times a week and I was sleeping with her on Thursdays. That seemed sufficient.

“I can’t tell you what to do with yourself when you’re not with me.”

“No you can’t,” she said. “I like you, Mel, but I’m my own person.”

When we got back to her apartment there seemed a kind of uneasiness between us. I gave her an awkward hug.

“You seem displeased with me,” she said. “You know I’ve been a good friend.”

I couldn’t deny it and if I felt displeased it had more to do with me — with my resentment of Ron — than with her. Ambivalence froze me and I had nothing to say to her remark. “See you soon,” I said, turning to go into my own place. I noticed that Eva was still standing in her own doorway.

“I don’t like us to separate like this,” she said.

“Like what?” I said, though I knew what she meant. I thought of going over and giving her a kiss or a more convincing hug, but I didn’t move.

Eva came over and put her arms around me. “Please say something.”

“It’s okay,” I said.

“Is it?”

“It’s okay,” I repeated, wanting to tell her just how much she meant to me, though afraid to give myself away.

She went back to her apartment, not exactly overjoyed with me and I went inside to my new couch.

I dreamed of a lineup with three Evas and two unfamiliar older women. I wanted to choose the first Eva but was told by police presence that it was not my part to choose.

“Whose part is it?” I asked.

And then Ron, wearing a white suit, emerged. “I’ll take it from here,” he said.

“Is it his part?” I asked the two plainclothes cops.

One of them looked at his notes. “You can be backup,” he said, “if it means that much to you.”

I was outraged. “I will not back up that clothes horse. I will not be any part of anything he is in charge of. I hope that’s clear.”

“Get him out of here,” Ron said. and tThe two cops took me, one on each arm out of the room where my old red couch, springs sticking out, awaited me.

I told Klotzman that if Ron was still in the picture, then I was thinking of not seeing Eva anymore.

“Isn’t that a kind of spiting your nose move,” he said. “From what I understand, you enjoy Eva’s company.”

“I won’t be second fiddle to Ron,” I said.

“Who said you’re second fiddle?” Klotzman said. “Maybe you’re first fiddle. From what you tell me, it sounds to me as if you’re first fiddle.”

Again he had me. “I don’t want Ron in the orchestra,” I said, straining the metaphor.

“Don’t tell me,” he said. “I’m on your side. Tell Eva.”

“I can’t,” I said. “She’d say it was none of my business.”

“Of course it’s your business,” he said. “A while back you wanted Ron in the picture.”

“That was a mistake,” I said. “Besides things have changed.”

“I can see they have,” he said. “Be subtle. Ask Eva if you can see her more often than the current arrangement.”

That made sense, but was that what I wanted? “I’d have to see her seven days a week to exclude Ron.”

“Maybe,” he said. “More often doesn’t mean all the time. Do you want to marry her?”

“No,” I said quickly. “I don’t know.”

“That would be a solution,” he said, “but you’re not sure that’s what you want.”

“No,” I said, “I’m not.”

“Would that be a worse solution for you than not seeing her at all?”

“I had never thought of marrying Eva. I had never thought of marrying anyone. I never had much money before. You need money to get married, don’t you?”

“You have a good job now,” he said.

“It can’t last,” I said.

“Why can’t it last?” he asked.

“Just a feeling I have. Besides I can’t live with another person seven days a week.”

“Maybe you can’t. Maybe you can.”

“I need to be by myself,” I said. “People like me have no business being married.”

“I won’t argue that with you,” he said, “but you have made some strides recently. You’ve shown yourself capable of change.”

I liked his saying that about me. “Small, slow changes,” I said.

“Not so small,” he said. “Not so small.”

So I postponed the decision I was about to make and took another walk with Eva. On the way back, though it was not Thursday, I asked her if I might come in.

She looked surprised but said okay. And then after some foot dragging on my part, we went to bed.

I expected Ron to knock on the door in the middle of things and was primed to say Don’t answer, but he didn’t. During the act itself, I was thinking of how I would tell Klotzman and what his reaction might be.

We did it at times with Eva on top, a position she said she liked. I didn’t mind being passive.

“You are very dear to me,” Eva said.

“Thank you,” I said in a hoarse voice.

Eva laughed. “You are supposed to say something reciprocal.”

“Yes,” I said. “Me too.”

“Well, I guess I can’t get anything out of you,” she said.

“I like you,” I said, not knowing what she wanted.

“I already know you like me,” she said. “Tell me something I haven’t heard before.”

“I like it especially when you’re on top,” I said. She hadn’t heard that before. It was the best I could do on short notice.

“Do you?” she said. She seemed pleased to hear it.

“I like it when you’re pleased with me,” I said.

“You really are a dear,” she said. “At least I think so.”

I was improving in the reciprocation game, though it wasn’t my strong suit.

I still hadn’t gotten any hard information on Ron’s status.

Sometimes I put my ear to the wall that connected our apartments to check out if Ron was there. The insulation was foolproof. I heard nothing beyond what the imagination was willing to play for me.

Ron’s hateful presence found its way in almost everyone of my dreams. In one he and Eva were talking in hushed voices of getting married. “I’ve always wanted to get married.” said Eva. “It’s been a childhood dream of mine. Every girl wants to be married.” “If we tie the knot,” Ron said, “you’re going to have to stop seeing that lout next door.” “I don’t know if I can,” she said. “Then it’s no deal,” Ron said. “Just once in a while,” she pleaded. “Just for walks. Have a heart.” “He has to disappear,” he said. “You can’t have everything.” “Oh Ron,” she said, “I do want everything. I want marriage and everything that doesn’t come with it.” Ron held firm and they were still unmarried when I woke.

I thought if I married her, then Ron couldn’t but I would make the same demand Ron made in my dream. The reason I loathed Ron was that he was like me in so many ways.

Maybe I only imagined it. It was possible, wasn’t it, that Eva had no interest in marriage, that she valued being her own person and was content with our part-time connection, which may also have included seeing Ron.

I thought that on our next walk I would try in some indirect way to get her to tell me what I wanted to know.”

Now that marriage had entered our conversation, at least in my dreams, I felt a greater freedom of dialogue. I asked her if Ron had ever proposed to her.

“In a way,” she said. “Not exactly. I told him I wasn’t interested.”

“I see,” I said. “If he didn’t exactly propose, how could you tell him you weren’t interested.”

“He asked in a conjectural sort of way,” she said. “I told him in the spirit of the conjecture that I wasn’t interested.”

“You mean if he proposed, you were likely to turn him down.”

“Something like that.” she said. “Why do you ask?”

“Curiosity,” I said. “Were you not interested in marriage or marriage to Ron?”

“I don’t know,” she said. “I suppose a little of both.”

I didn’t know where to go from there so I opted for silence.

“There must be some other reason you brought it up,” she said. “You seem at times obsessed with Ron. There’s no reason to be, Mel.”

What was she telling me? “No reason?”

“No reason,” she repeated.

I wanted to deny that I was obsessed with Ron, but I suppose it had some truth to it. “What does that mean?”

“It means,” she said, choosing her words carefully, “that you’re more important to me than Ron.”

That should have satisfied me but it didn’t. I wanted Ron to be disappeared altogether. “You’re important to me too,” I said.

She gave me a hug which I returned.

The question still nagged me: Was Ron, in his less important role, still in the picture? I couldn’t ask directly, though the words rattled about in my head.

“Ron reminds me of my half-brother, who I never liked,” I said.

“I think I knew that,” she said. “You may have told me or I may have inferred it. In any event, I know that Ron is not one of your favorite people.”

“I’m indifferent to Ron,” I lied.

“That’s fine,” she said, “if it’s true. Are you really indifferent to Ron?”

“Who is Ron?” I joked.

“Who is he indeed,” she said.

For the moment he vanished, but I couldn’t trust it would stay that way. I had bested Ron, who had no idea, not knowing he was in a contest with me.

I confided this conversation to Klotzman, who chided me for not asking what I wanted to know directly.

“What if she said she was still seeing Ron?” I asked. “What then?”

“Then you would know where you stood and you could say I would prefer if you stopped seeing Ron.”

The idea of it brought sweat to my forehead. “I couldn’t,” I said.

“Nonsense,” he said. “You could but you won’t. You’re afraid to. What I wonder, is what exactly are you afraid of. Tell me.”

“I don’t know,” I said, not wanting to know.

“Think about it,” he said. “What is the worst that can happen?”

“I don’t know what the worst is. The time before when we had a similar conversation, she told me she was her own person.”

“And how do you interpret that?” he asked.

“Well, what do you think it means?”

“You think it means that doing what she wants means that she will see Ron once in a while.”

“I didn’t know what to think, but now that you put it that way.”

“You can say to her, you tell me I’m more important, I don’t want you to see Ron any more.”

“I’ve thought of that,” I said, “and I rejected it.”

“Why not? The worst she can say is that she won’t and then you can say you’ll have to choose between us, but she may very well say, if that’s what you want, I will.”

“I don’t want to risk a refusal. I’m not one to give ultimatums.”

“It doesn’t seem to me an unreasonable ultimatum. Isn’t that better than being circuitous?”

“I think she knows already how I feel.”

“But you don’t know whether she’s seeing Ron or not.”

I admitted I didn’t, though had my suspicions. “Why won’t she tell me that she’s not if she’s not.”

“That’s a good question. Maybe she wants a deeper commitment from you. Maybe it’s her bargaining chip.”

“I don’t know if I’m ready to make a deeper commitment, which I assume you mean to be marriage.”

“You might see her more than you have without exactly marrying her.”

“I think I could do that,” I said. “I just don’t know what’s expected of me.”

“Yes you do,” he said. “You don’t know what you don’t want to know.”

I let his comment seep in, not free from the anxiety I was already feeling. I wanted, like Eva, to remain my own person which meant being by myself at times.

“Compromises may have to be made,” he said. “Not everything works out to our exact specification.”

I left him feeling both worse and better than when I came in.

I was walking with Eva three days a week and sleeping with her twice. I could expand that time, but I wasn’t quite sure how to offer the change.

I had the déjà vu feeling that I was at this juncture before. And what did I do then? I no longer remembered.

“Why do you think I’m obsessed with Ron?” I asked.

“Did I say that? Well, you’re always bringing his name up.”

“Do you think there’s a reason for it?” I asked.

“I’m sure there must be,” she said, “though I don’t understand it. I already told you that it’s you I care for and not Ron.”

“You said I was more important to you,” I said.

“And you are.”

“That’s a relative statement. That I’m more important doesn’t mean that Ron’s not important, does it.”

“I think I understand the problem,” she said. “Ron’s an old friend, but he’s not important to me. Is that clear?”

“It may be,” I said. “I’m not happy that he’s an old friend.”

“The past can’t be undone. You know perfectly well that he’s an old friend. Things change.”

This was the time to ask if she were still seeing him, but I resisted the question.

We walked in silence for awhile. Finally I said, “I’d like to see you more often than I do.”

“No one’s stopping you, Mel.”

So after this discussion, I began to walk with her four times a week and bed her down three times, an incremental change. It still left her time — less time of course — to see Ron if she was so disposed. The change cut into my periods of being alone, but I soon got used to it. Still, I didn’t want to wear out my welcome. And marriage which was on my mind at times, was out of the question at least for the time being. In a certain sense we were almost married.

“Does our time together always have to be on the same days,” she asked me, on one of our walks. “It deters spontaneity.”

“I like it better that way,” I said. I couldn’t explain my reasons. They were too private. “Would you like to change the days?”

“Once in a while,” she said.

So we entered the pattern of Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday one week and Wednesday, Friday and Sunday the next. This was for sleeping together. Our walking time remained the same each week. So far as I knew, I was the only one she took walks with.

I still couldn’t shake my so-called obsession with Ron. I thought the new arrangement would make it harder for him if he was still around.

On Monday, which was an unsubscribed day, I tried to listen at the wall and I could always imagine voices.

One Monday night in a nervous state, I knocked at her door.

“What?” she said, opening it in her bathrobe.

“I was thinking of you, Eva,” I said.

“That’s nice,” she said. “Do you want to come in?”

“That’s all right,” I said and gave her a quick hug. Being invited in wasn’t part of my scenario. That I was invited in was sufficient. If Ron were there, she would not likely have invited me in.

I went back to my place temporarily satisfied. Then I thought maybe Ron came over once every two weeks and this wasn’t his Monday. I would have to be with her all the time to know what I wanted to know. That was the sanctity of marriage, I thought and as I said I resisted marriage.

One day during one of our walks we noticed Ron walking by himself in the distance. “Do you want to say hello,” she asked me.

“Not particularly,” I said.

And so we slowed down — our pace was usually brisk — so as not to catch up. We never said hello or acknowledged one another in any way. Eva did not seem disturbed by my choice. “I don’t think he saw us,” she said.

Not unless he had eyes in the back of his head or he was following us by staying ahead of us, which meant he was aware of our usual route.

I told Klotzman of this perception and he laughed it off. “That’s a trifle far-fetched,” he said. “Do you really believe that?”

“Just an idea,” I said. “I can see it’s not likely.

“You’re not ready to let Ron go yet, are you?”

“He showed up,” I said. “I didn’t invent his appearance.”

“If Ron didn’t exist, Mel, you probably would have invented him.”

“I didn’t have to invent him,” I said. “He certainly does exist.”

“You’ve made him into something much more powerful and ubiquitous,” he said.

“I gather you don’t want me to mention him any more,” I said.

“Not true. I want you to feel you can mention anybody and anything in this room,” he said.

“Do you want to hear of my latest lineup dream? I asked.

“If that’s what you want to talk about.”

“In this dream, the first two candidates were versions of Eva. In the third spot, were Ron and Eva together under the same coat. In the fourth spot there was a woman I didn’t know, clearly not Eva. In the fifth spot, was a man who resembled my father as a young man. ‘Make your choice,’ I was told. I picked the Eva lookalike in spot one, but as I got closer I saw it wasn’t Eva at all, but Ron dressed in Eva’s clothes. The shock woke me.”

“You feel that Ron stands between you and Eva,” he said.

“He did in the dream,” I said. “What was my father doing in the dream.”

“What’s your reading of it,” he asked. “What was at stake in this lineup?”

“I was asked to choose the one most important to me,” I said.

“Your father’s appearance makes some sense then.”

“I don’t think about my father,” I said, disputing his importance.

“Apparently your unconscious thinks about him,” he said.

“Okay,” I said. “What were Ron and Eva doing under the same coat?”

“At the very least, it’s a form of intimacy,” he said. “It represents something you dread.”

“It presented a comic picture to me as if there were only one coat to go around,” I said.

“I wouldn’t have thought of it in that way,” he said.

“It’s not a psychological reading,” I said.

“It may be that at some level, Eva and Ron are the same to you.”

“No way,” I said. “I don’t buy that.”

“What do you think the dream is telling you?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” I said, upset with the image of Eva and Ron being interchangeable.

“If there were no Eva, Ron wouldn’t matter to you,” he said.

“Whatever, I don’t like him,” I said. “And there is an Eva. You’re always dissuading me from unreal conjectures.”

“What about him don’t you like?” he asked. “It has to do with Eva, doesn’t it?”

I couldn’t say. “It might,” I said. “It also might not.”

“Which is it?”

“I don’t like his manner,” I said. I hadn’t thought of that before, but it seemed appropriate.

“What don’t you like about his manner?”

What doesn’t one like about someone’s manner? “He’s pushy,” I said.

“I see. That’s not likeable. What is he pushy about?”

I had no idea, but I wasn’t going to be humiliated by Klotzman again. “He goes to places where he’s not wanted.”

“Give me an example, if you will.”

“He goes after Eva when she doesn’t want to see him.”

“You weren’t sure whether she wanted to see him or not.”

“He came to my door and insisted on coming in to look around to see if Eva was there.”

“Did you let him in?”

“I didn’t. No. Besides she wasn’t inside. I had a tough time getting rid of him.”

“It sounds like you handled the situation well.”

“Thank you,” I said. “At the time I wasn’t sure.” Outrage welled up in me. “Who did he think he was?”

“I can see why you think he’s pushy,” he said. “How long ago was that?”

It was a while back. “Three months ago,” I said. It was actually closer to four.

“Was there anything more recent?”

I couldn’t remember if there was. “There might have been,” I said, thinking of his unwanted appearance in various dreams. “He also reminds of me of my half-brother, whom I never liked.”

“You had mentioned that before. I accept that you have reasons for not liking Ron.”

And that was that. A rare example of Klotzman accepting something I said at face value.

I realize I haven’t described Eva before. She was tall, about five foot eight, I would say, small-breasted, with an open face, which looked pretty from certain angles and not from others. She had mousy brown hair, not her best feature, which she tended to wear in an elaborate bun. When she let her hair down, it extended to her waist. At times, she talked about having it cut. “Short hair,” she liked to say, “is so much easier to deal with.”

I told her I didn’t want her to cut it. She wasn’t a great prize in the looks category, but I liked her face. I don’t think it was my telling her not to cut her hair that influenced her. Eva did what she wanted to do insofar as I understood her.

In some ways, she was like my mother, worrying me to take care of myself and to eat regular meals. Sometimes she cooked for me or brought over something she had cooked. I wasn’t crazy about her cuisine, which had an overall health food theme, but it was edible and I both appreciated and deplored her looking after me. I tended to go to a local coffee shop, a greasy spoon kind of place, for dinner. That was before Eva insisted that whatever I ate there was likely to be bad for me. After that, I felt guilty whenever I sneaked into my favorite coffee shop. And then I was spending more time with Eva, which included dinners together. Sometimes I got indigestion from the health food regimen, my body had made peace with my usual unhealthy fare.

After a week of healthy food, I positively longed for a greasy hamburger or a plate of bacon slices, both of which Eva had put off limits.

I asked Klotzman about the nature of his diet; he was overweight, which seemed a positive sign. He admitted that his wife had been after him recently to cut down on fatty foods. “Eating is one of my pleasures,” he said. “I insist on eating what I like, though I understand and sympathize with my wife’s position.”

I told him about Eva’s recent health food kick and my secret resistance to it.

“Why secret?”

“I don’t want to hurt her feelings. She likes to make dinners for me.”

“She feels protective of you,” he said. “She’s taking care of you. How does that make you feel?”

“I have mixed feelings,” I said. “It’s like my slouching. I appreciate that friends tell me to stand up straight and I do at times. However slouching is my natural condition and I’m more comfortable when I slouch.”

“You’re saying that you’re more comfortable eating junk food than healthful food. I understand that.”

“I don’t think Eva does,” I said. “She’s determined to improve me.”

Klotzman laughed. “Certain women want to improve the men they love. It’s not uncommon and mostly well-meaning.”

“What do you mean by mostly?” I asked.

“Only that motives are not without some complication. In Eva’s case, I would say that she wants the best for you.”

“That doesn’t mean I can’t have mixed feelings about it,” I said.

“You can feel whatever you want to feel about it, which doesn’t change anything.”

“You think I should tell her to ease up? Is that what you’re saying.”

“If that’s what you want. You might find a way to tell her that’s not hurtful.”

I didn’t find a way to tell her, though I knew Klotzman was right, and it created some distance between us. I continued to eat the kind of food I liked on the sly, which felt like a form of being unfaithful. I was having a secret affair with greasy hamburgers, which aggravated my normal feelings of guilt.

I was polite about Eva’s sometimes unappetizing cuisine, even complimented it at times. She said she loved to cook for me because I ate with robust appetite. It was all performance on my part, but when I got into it I even believed it myself. At this point in our relationship, I was walking with Eva four or even five times a week and spending the night four times, the nights spaced out. This didn’t leave Ron much time to elbow in. Sometimes I knocked on her door on one of the nights I wasn’t staying over to check things out. That I had not run into Ron’s presence, hadn’t wholly convinced me that he was out of the picture.

Sometimes when I dropped over to borrow whatever, sugar or a stick of butter, Eva would give me a tray of food to take with me. We might as well as have been married. When we went to a restaurant together we acted like newlyweds, calling each other “Sweetie” or “Honey.” I liked that, but I still cherished my few nights alone. I was still, though part time, my own person.

And, after all, what was the absolute benefit of being your own person.

“No matter what you do, you’re your own person,” Klotzman told me. “Because you’re close to someone, it doesn’t mean your losing something of yourself.

I didn’t argue with him. What was the point? I knew what I felt. Even if he was right, he was wrong. And if you were me, what was so all-fired hot about being my own person. I couldn’t understand why Eva, though a little crazy herself, liked me so much. What did she see about me that I couldn’t see in myself? I wish I had the nerve to ask her. Perhaps some time while we were in bed together, I would ask. When you get down to it, everything is mysterious.

I mentioned to Eva that there were couples these days who lived together, shared a residence, without being legally married.

We were walking and she just raised an eyebrow when I made my ill-advised remark.

A moment later she asked what I had in mind when I made my remark. “It seemed to come out of the blue,” she said.

It was my turn to shrug. “Well, we’re spending a lot of time together,” I said.

“We’re not living together,” she said. “We each have our own place.”

I couldn’t think of anything to say to that so we continued on in silence.

“Have you thought of us living together?” she asked.

I backed off. “I like our arrangement,” I said. “What do you think?”

She put her arms around me and we hugged in the middle of the street.

I searched my mind for an endearment. “You’re my girl,” I said lamely.

“I’m your girl,” she said, giving my endearment added resonance.

We walked on, holding hands. Was I ready for something more than we already had? I didn’t want to commit myself to something I couldn’t handle. Klotzman, who was otherwise wary of compliments, said I had made considerable progress. I often wished matters could decide themselves. I still had a large passive streak, which explained why I preferred during our sex that she was the one on top. Still I had the feeling that we were evolving into something new.

Walking together was our mode. It was how we started out and whatever else happened came from it. So we continued walking — it was a breezy day — mostly in silence.

“I’m blissfully happy,” she said.

“We could try living together for a week,” I said, “as an experiment.” My offer surprised me. We had our separate apartments as a fallback position. I had gone forward half a step and was already falling back in my mind.

“We could alternate,” she said. “One week at your place, one week at mine. We wouldn’t have to give up our separate apartments.”

I had never thought of giving up my apartment, which was my sanctuary. Her offer frightened me and I suddenly regretted the direction we were going. Wasn’t everything fine as it was, except for my nagging jealousy over Ron. If we lived together, there would be no space for Ron to push himself in. “We could try the arrangement you suggest,” I said doubtfully, “and if we’re not happy with it, we could return to the way we are.”

“Why shouldn’t we be happy with it?” she said. “I’m already happy with it.”

I could hear Klotzman say, “When you start going forward, it’s no easy trick going back.”

We had already walked further than we did on our usual walks, but we kept going.

I was glad the word marriage had not come up in our discussion. It might not be so bad living together if we didn’t have the obligation of marriage over our heads. We both had jobs so it wasn’t as if we would be together all the time, though we did work in the same place.

After we returned from our walk, Eva filled a bag with some clothes and so began our new arrangement.

I was a little antsy the first few days, but I began to get used to Eva’s continuous presence. I told Klotzman I missed my times by myself, but even in the previous arrangement I missed more opportunities to be by myself. Klotzman advised me to tell Eva about this need, indicating that my apartment was large enough to get off by myself.

Some time I would get out of our bed in the middle of the night and go off into another room. After an hour or so by myself I would return to our bed, almost always finding Eva still asleep. In such fashion, the week slipped by.

When the week ended, I wasn’t ready to move into her place, but I felt I had to honor our agreement.

I took a minimum amount of clothes in a paper bag and went reluctantly to my new temporary home. If I knew how, I would have ended this experiment immediately. For Eva’s sake, I tried to look happy living in her place, but I wasn’t fooling her.

“Would you like to take a break and stay in your place one night?” she asked. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t say yes.

“If I want to go back to my own place, I’ll tell you,” I said.

It was a slower week than usual. Apart from work, which provided a relief, my only break from the new routine were my visits to Klotzman’s office.

I reported my dilemma in wary understatement. I knew his response before he actually made it. “Tell Eva what you want,” he said. “It is the only way to avoid resentment, which will build and destroy your relationship.”

“I don’t know how to,” I said.

“Is overcoming this fear of being outspoken worse than destroying your feeling for Eva?”

Another question to which I had no answer. “It’s not so hard living in her apartment,” I said. “I’ll get used to it.”

“If it isn’t hard, why bring it up?” he asked.

“It’s only for a few more days,” I say.

“And then what?” he asked.

“We have to decide whether we want to continue living together,” I said.

“What will you say?”

“I don’t know yet,” I said.

“And if you don’t want to continue, what will you say?” he asked.

I didn’t know and couldn’t say. “I’ll think of something.” I said.

“How much easier life would be for you, if you could tell the people you’re close to how you feel when it is in opposition to what you think they want to hear.”

We had been down this road before. Yes yes yes yes yes, I wanted to say but didn’t. “You had said I was making progress,” I said. “Are you recanting now?”

He looked exasperated with me. “You go back and forth,” he said. “Living with Eva was a huge step for you.”

“That’s why I don’t say anything,” I said. “I don’t want to lose what I have. I just want to modify our arrangement.”

“Eva seems to care for you, Mel. Do you really think a modification in your arrangement would cause her to break things off?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “What I really don’t understand is why she cares for me.”

“That’s another matter altogether,” he said. “You do accept that she does care for you.”

“I suppose so,” I said. “Maybe she’ll wake up one day and discover that she doesn’t.”

He shook his head sadly. “You’ve been friends for a while now, haven’t you. Do you have any reason to believe that her feelings are frivolous?”

I admitted that I didn’t. And that was that. Nothing was solved except that I knew I had been in the wrong again. And there was nothing to be done or at least nothing that I was willing to do.

When we finished the week living together in her place, I said, “Let’s take a few days off before making another decision.”

“If that’s what you want,” she said. “I thought the arrangement went pretty well, though it was more comfortable in your apartment.”

I’m glad she recognized that. In her apartment if I wanted to be by myself, I’d have to go in the bathroom, which I did a few times.

The next few days we each lived in our separate apartments and I confess that after the first day I felt kind of lonely. On the fourth day, at my suggestion, Eva moved back into my apartment. I was comfortable with her there, even occasionally happy.

We completed a week of living together in my apartment. I was reluctant to move again into hers, which seemed the next step, but Eva suggested that we spend another week in mine. It was as if she were reading my mood. I agreed, feeling grateful to her, though I played down my appreciation, not wanting her to know that I was not happy with the other alternative.

“When it’s fixed up,” Eva said, “your place is quite nice.” I neglected to mention that Eva had done some redecorating, mostly in the interest of neatening things.

So we lived together another week in my place, which was mostly okay. During one of our walks I said, muttered actually, “Why don’t we just stay in my place?”

She didn’t answer for a while — perhaps she hadn’t heard me. I wasn’t up to saying it again. A few minutes later she said, “I’m not ready yet to give up my own place altogether. Why don’t we try another week in your apartment?”

I agreed, though I worried where we would be after the week ended. All week I concerned myself with what lay ahead for us.

I had a chance to talk to Klotzman before the week was over.

“I’m impressed with how you’re doing,” he said, “but nothing comes easy to you.”

“If I could,” I said, “I would go back to the way things had been before Eva and I started living together. Life was simpler then.”

“There were different problems,” he said.

“I can imagine myself on a more casual footing with Eva. I was less tormented then.”

“That’s failed memory,” Klotzman said. “There was never a time when you were less tormented. I am witness to that.”

“Still, life was simpler then or at least seemed so,” I said. “We were neighbors, we took our walks, we each had our own place. Now it’s all matters of life and death.”

“Going back in time isn’t a real option,” he said. “Do you want to break off with Eva?”

“God, no. I love Eva in my way.”

“What then do you want? Do you know?”

“I know what I don’t want. I don’t want to spend another week in her apartment, though it seems only fair. That’s my dilemma.”

Klotzman looked me over before speaking. “I understand what you’re saying, Mel. Eva spent the week in your apartment so quid pro quo you need to spend the week in hers.”

“She spent two weeks in my apartment, three in all since we started this regimen, and I’ve only spent a week in hers. I can’t tell her that I’m uncomfortable staying in her apartment.”

“You could if you would, Mel,” he said. “From what you tell me Eva may already have an inkling into your problem.”

“I am ashamed that Eva perceives my resistance to staying at her place,” I said. “I am also ashamed at the resistance itself if the truth be known.”

“I get the picture,” he said. “Which would you say was the stronger factor, your resistance or your shame?”

I didn’t have to think that one over. “My shame,” I said.

“Does that mean you would stay in her apartment so as not to feel ashamed?” he asked.

“I suppose,” I said, “but I’d rather not. I’d rather backtrack on our relationship if that’s possible. In my worst moments, I’ve even considered giving up the relationship. Don’t worry, I won’t. I’m just making a point.”

“Tell her what you feel,” Klotzman said. “That’s my advice which I’ve given to you over and over again.”

“And which I’ve never taken.”

After I finished my stint as Head of Security and came home to my apartment, I expected Eva to be there waiting for me. Her absence created a flash of anxiety, but I didn’t go to her place to look for her. I lay down on my red couch — not as new as it once was — and closed my eyes. In my dream, Eva and I were taking a walk in unrecognizable territory and I felt sure we were lost. A police car that was trailing us rolled up alongside. I asked them the way to our building. “First you have to come to the station,” I was told, “We’ve assembled a new lineup for you to pick apart.” It wasn’t clear whether I had a choice in the matter. Eva and I got in the back of the police car and we drove to the station, which turned out to be just around the corner. The lineup they had assembled was notably odd — two very tiny men, midgets perhaps, Ron in a version of my gray suit, a giant in the fourth position, and my old couch in the fifth. “Don’t give yourself away,” Eva whispered in my ear. “Which one do you choose?” the cop that had been driving said to me. I didn’t know, which I didn’t want them to know. I made a pretense of studying the lineup carefully when I was shaken awake by Eva. “It’s walk time,” she said.

It took me awhile to fully wake, the dream reverberating in my head. “Do you want to forego the walk?” she asked.

But what was Ron doing in the center of the lineup?

We took a different route for our walk then we usually took and in short order I didn’t recognize any of the buildings we passed.

“Do you know where we are?” I asked Eva.

“It’s fun to lose oneself once in a while,” she said. “It’s boring to always know where you are, don’t you think?”

Being lost held no pleasures for me. “Maybe we ought to head back,” I said.

“A few more blocks,” she said.

We passed a police station and I figured we could always go in and ask directions, which eased my anxiety.

A few more blocks passed and it was as if the streets were moving and we were standing still. I shared this perception with Eva, who said, “It always seems that way to me.”

I was tired and I suggested we sit on one of the benches we had passed, though there were more benches ahead of us. The street was virtually bench-lined.

So we sat awhile, Eva’s head resting on my shoulder. A feeling nagged me that we would never get back, which I was reluctant to share. I noted that it was getting dark and we usually returned before dark. “Can we go back now?” I asked. Her eyes were closed. She seemed to be sleeping on my shoulder. I had my arm around her and — I don’t know how to say this — I felt connected to her. I felt that in protecting her I was protecting myself. I wanted to get home, but I also didn’t want anything to change. I was content to stay this way, to stay seated on this bench, lost, with Eva asleep on my shoulder, our bodies joined. The sky darkened, but it seemed to get warmer rather than cooler. Perhaps it was this flush of happiness like a secret from some unchartered place that kept me warm. I thought Eva would wake after awhile, but she didn’t and I wasn’t going to change anything — that is, I didn’t move, wouldn’t, not an iota. So we remained in our set positions, into the night, as far as it would take us. We stayed this way, closer than we had ever been, joined irrevocably as I said before, until a passing cop rousted us and sent us on our way into the unforgiving night.