Kronk

CHAPTER ONE

Armed with a half-litre bottle of British vodka, two plastic cups and the conviction that suicide would be an appropriate conclusion to his artistic non-career, Gabriel Crome sat on the steps of the Albert Memorial and felt sad.

He had said goodbye to all his favourite landmarks. The Albert Memorial, being the most hideous and therefore the most attractive, was the last.

It was always last; for Gabriel was subjected to his suicide kick with about the same degree of regularity that a healthy child-bearing woman is subjected to ovulation. He recognized the symptoms — headache, tension and a screaming desire to withdraw from the messy cycle of existence. One of these days, he told himself gloomily, the ovum of despair would really be fertilized by his wriggling death-wish. And darkness would lie upon the face of the shallow.

Meanwhile, there was the vodka, the ritual, the angst and the raven. He did not know whether the raven was a permanent squatter in the memorial, an incarnation of Prince Albert or the familiar spirit of all pseudo-suicides. He knew only that it was always there whenever he was and that the wisdom of its silence was only equalled by the wisdom of its utterances on the tragic pattern of existence.

Recently, Gabriel had formed the habit of bringing two plastic cups to the Albert Memorial. He could not remember when he had first begun to corrupt the raven, but it was now well on the way to becoming an alcoholic.

“Salud,” said Gabriel. “A non-death is as unsatisfactory as a non-life, do you not think?

Presently, I shall wend — not entirely devoid of hope — to Waterloo Bridge to see if my luck has changed. Meanwhile, bird of ill-omen, frowzy fowl, let us drink the juice that dulls the edge of dullness.” He hiccupped, then slopped more vodka into the plastic cups.

The raven approached warily. It had grown accustomed to Gabriel’s tirades. Sometimes, he was wont to indulge in sudden diquieting gestures. But the bird was in no position to choose its drinking companions. Gabriel was not only its corrupter but also its only supplier.

“Ha, bird,” snapped Gabriel, “you think I’m pissed already?”

The raven offered no comment. It dipped its beak in the vodka, flung back its head like a Russian to the manner born, and swallowed, opening and closing the beak several times, as if this was the nearest it could get to smacking its lips. The performance was repeated.

“You are right, little brother,” went on Gabriel. “I am pissed. In fact, I am — by St. Ringo — a litre ahead of you. Furthermore, I propose to stay that way… There is a gulf between us, little brother, a million years wide and a hundred proof deep. I have a soul: you have not. All you have are bloody feathers, pure subjectivity, and a psyche that cannot even contemplate mañana… That’s my trouble, birdie. I can think of the morrow. I can even remember yesterday.

Which is why I wish I were dead.”

There were tears in Gabriel’s eyes; but he was not yet maudlin enough to want to shed them.

“What are you, bastard bird?” he demanded aggressively. The raven did not answer. It was too busy drinking.

So Gabriel answered his own question. “You are nothing but a bastard bird. Whereas I, Gabriel Crome, schizoid of this parish, am demonstrably human. Which is to say ambitious, which is to say frustrated. I think, therefore I wish to cease to exist. The world is my oyster -

but I do not know how to open oysters. Big joke.”

The raven drank some more. Then it staggered a little and uttered. It said quite clearly:

“Kronk!”

“True, indeed,” said Gabriel, raising his own cup. “True indeed. The apocalyptic verdict. I do not know how to open oysters. Kronk! I do not even know if there are any oysters worth opening. Kronk! I want recognition. Kronk! I want someone to love. Kronk! And, failing all that, I just want to bleeding die.”

“Kronk,” said the raven once more.

“You are so right,” said Gabriel. “A meaningful comment not only on my predicament but on the basic tragedy of our time. Artists are suspect, love is redundant, people are obsolete.

Consumers are all.” He took another swallow of vodka. “I am a consumer, yes. But I am more than the sum of my consumptions. I am an artist, a book sculptor. And, since no one wishes to acquire a 1984 edition of the Encyclopaedia Britannica translated — with the aid of two pounds of flour, a pint of water and a roll of Sellotape — into Leda and the Swan, I wish to die. It is symptomatic of the age, dear raven. Michelangelo is without honour in his own credit rating.

From them that hath not shall be taken away.”

Gabriel gazed at Albert, sitting on his throne in the memorial. The long summer twilight, the balmy air and the effect of seventy-five proof vodka endowed the petrified royal consort with an illusion of life, a suggestion of movement. Gabriel thought he saw him wink.

“And the same to you, sweet prince… You have got it manufactured, haven’t you, cocky?

Sitting up there, watching the rest of us trolley off to the paper dolly farm or get stoned out of our trees… All those children. I have often wondered. Was little Vicky a beautifully bouncy lover, or was there no other outlet for all that royal creative energy? No offence, old sport. Just claim the fifth amendment. By all that is whiter than white, I wish I were you. Dead and dynastic and nirvanic on a cold backside. No matter. I am not Albert the Good. I am Gabriel the superfluous. Such is the whim of time, chromosomes and carelessly opened legs.”

There was still some vodka left in the bottle. Gabriel glanced at the raven’s cup then poured the remains of the vodka into his own. The bird stared at him, he thought, somewhat reproachfully.

“Bird,” said Gabriel severely, “do not presume upon a chance acquaintance. You are nothing to me. I am nothing to you. Yet I am comforted by the fact that when I finally scramble the transistors between my ears, there will be someone who mourns. Will you get the shakes, you feathery fantast? Will you fall about in front of Albert, croaking for a large vodka? And how, dependent creature, will you tell the other tourists that all you need is a fix?

Well, these are your problems, you fat black feather bag. Pray for me. I go to see if there are any vacant appointments in Samarra.”

The raven’s legs gave way. There was a subdued gurgling in its throat; but the bird refrained from further comment. It flopped helplessly as Gabriel walked down the steps from the Albert Memorial with care and concentration. Then, as if in seeing its guest off the premises it had concluded its final duty as host, the raven keeled over and slept.

Stone.