Middle Of Nowhere

C H A P T E R

11

Anthony Brumewell struggled through another dinner alone. When the phone rang, the balding man was in the middle of eating some seashell pasta and broccoli in a pool of yogurt and butter covered with packaged parmesan—plastic cheese, he called it—and drinking from a can of Lite beer. Reading the Seattle Times' sports page, he cursed in the general direction of the phone as it rang. Annoyed, he nonetheless stood up and answered: He didn't get all that many calls, after all.

"Hello?"

"Mr. Anthony Brumewell?"

"Speaking. Who is this?" He tentatively identified the call as a phone solicitation, a spike of indignation welling up and working toward boil. Didn't call me Tony, he thought. Other voices in the background. Keyboards clicking.

The words of the man on the other end were rushed though clearly, carefully rehearsed. "I'm calling on behalf of Consolidated Mutual Insurance, Mr. Brumewell. Before you hang up, you should know that, without obligation, we're offering you two free tickets to the movie of your choice—"

Anthony Brumewell considered himself a film buff, even if he mostly saw these films by himself. Did two free tickets mean two different films, or two tickets to the same film? This meant a world of difference to him, and he assumed the latter, which accounted for the receiver heading back for the cradle, the salesman's voice barely audible through the tiny earphone. He stopped himself from hanging up. . . . two free tickets to the movie of your choice.

"Two tickets to one film," he asked, "or one ticket to two films? And you should know there's a big difference to me."

"However you would like to use the tickets," the salesman answered.

The man had won another minute of his time. "Go ahead, I'm listening," he said. In fact, he was holding the receiver an inch away from his ear, as if this represented less commitment on his part.

"At the end of this phone call Consolidated Mutual will guarantee a fifteen percent reduction when compared to your current homeowner's policy. Absolutely guaranteed!"

"The tickets. And I got to warn you, I'm this close to hanging up on you."

"Two free tickets at any Pantheon theater, arranged electronically for pickup at the theater's new automated ticket teller for the movie—or movies—of your choice, at the time of your choice, on the day of your choice."

"Two free tickets. Two different films." Brumewell made it a statement.

"Yes. Absolutely, yes!"

"Any Pantheon theater?"

"One second here. . . ." Brumewell heard the sound of a keyboard even louder—his salesman was typing. "Seattle. . . . Wallingford. . . . I'm showing eleven Pantheon theaters in three different locations within ten miles of your residence."

"I'm aware of the Pantheon theater chain," Brumewell said knowingly, wanting the idiot on the other end to get to the point. He eyed his cooling seashells and briefly thought about the fact that these phone solicitation people knew too much about you and used it against you at every turn. "Could I use the tickets as early as tonight?"

"Tonight would work, certainly. Once we've completed the agreement. Any night you choose."

"The 'agreement'? Okay, what's the catch?"

"Consolidated Mutual would like you to complete a very brief survey, which I can go over with you now, if you wish. After the satisfactory completion of that survey, the tickets—and the guaranteed savings on your homeowner's policy—are yours. Or, if you prefer, we can arrange for the tickets at a later time. The offer is good for three months."

"A survey? A phone survey? That's it?"

"That's all. No obligation whatsoever, and a guarantee—"

Brumewell chimed in, "I got that, okay? Now we gonna get down to this survey or what? How much time are we talking about anyway? My dinner is getting cold here! How come you people always call at dinnertime?"

"We can do the survey now, certainly, sir. That would be fine. Or, I could call back, if you would prefer."

"Nah. . . . My dinner's probably already cold anyway. Go ahead. How long did you say?"

"Seven to ten minutes, sir. Some questions about your coverage is all. You may find it worthwhile to have a copy of your current homeowner's policy in front of you, though that is not required by any means."

"I'll pass on the policy."

"We'll have it done in no time."

"Okay. . . . Okay. . . . Let's get on with it." Brumewell eyed the microwave. Dinner could wait.