Milord Sir Smiht, the English Wizard

Avram Davidson (1923–1993) was one of the most idiosyncratic talents to write science fiction and fantasy. He was at his best writing short stories, and some of his best have been collected as The Avram Davidson Treasury (1998). Also well worth tracking down are Peregrine: Primus (1971) and its sequel Peregrine: Secundus (1981), plus the collection of stories about a wizard detective, The Enquiries of Doctor Esterhazy (1975), from which the following story comes.

The establishment of Brothers Swartbloi stands, or squats, as it has done for over a century and a half, in the Court of the Golden Hart. The inn, once famous, which gave its name to the court, has long since passed off the scene, but parts of it survive, here a wall, there an arch, and, by sole way of access, a flight of steps (so old had been the inn, that Bella, Imperial Capital of the Triune Monarchy, had slowly lifted the level of its streets around about it). The shops in the Court of the Golden Hart are an odd mixture. First, to the right of the worn three steps, is Florian, who purveys horse-crowns, though the sign does not say so. (All, in fact, that it says is Florian.) There is nothing on display in the window, the window being composed of small pieces of bull’s-eye glass set in lead, a very old window, with the very old-fashioned idea that the sole duty of a window is to let light in through a wall. What are horse-crowns? Has the reader never seen a funeral? Has he not noticed the crowns of ostrich plumes – black, for an ordinary adult, white for a child or maiden-woman, violet for a nobleman or prelate of the rank of monsignor or above – bobbing sedately on the horses’ heads? Those are horse-crowns, and nobody makes them like Florian’s.

To the left of the steps is Weitmondl, who makes and sells mother-of-pearl buttons in all sizes. However great must be the natural disappointment of the fisher in the far-off Gulfs of Persia when he opens his oyster and finds no pearl within, he can still take comfort in the thought that the shells, with their nacreous and opalescent interiors, must find their way to the great city of Bella, where Weitmondl will turn them into buttons: all the way from the great buttons which adorn the shirts of coachmen down to the tiny buttons which fasten children’s gloves.

Facing the steps in the Court of the Golden Hart is the shop of Brothers Swartbloi, who are purveyors of snufftobacco.

There are other shops, to be sure, in the Golden Hart, but they are of a transitory nature, some of them lasting a mere decade. Florian, Weitmondl, and Brothers Swartbloi are the patriarchs of the place; and of them all Brothers Swartbloi is the oldest.

The shop contains one chair, in which scarcely anyone dares to sit, a wooden counter, and, behind the counter, a wooden shelf. On the shelf are five stout jars, each the size of a small child. One is labeled Rappee, one is labeled Minorka, one is labeled Imperial, one is labeled Habana, and one is labeled Turkey.

Should anyone desire a snuff of a different sort, some upstart sort of snuff, a johnny-come-lately in the field of snuff – say, for example, Peppermint! Wintergreen! or Cocoa-Dutch! – ah, woe upon him, he had better never have been born. Words cannot describe the glacial degree of cold with which he will be informed, “The sweet-shop is across the Court. Here we sell only snuff-tobacco.”

One day comes Doctor Eszterhazy to the shop in the Court of the Golden Hart. He is not walking very fast, in fact, as he has been following someone, and as that someone was taking his own good time, it may be said that Engelbert Eszterhazy, Doctor of Medicine, Doctor of Jurisprudence, Doctor of Science, Doctor of Literature, etc., etc., was walking decidedly slowly. The man he was following was tall and heavy and stooped and wore a long black cloak lined with a dull brown silk. Now, long black cloaks were not then the fashion, and Lord knows when they had been. It would be supposed that anyone who wore one did so in order to create a certain impression, to draw upon himself a certain amount of attention. In all of Bella, so far as Eszterhazy knew, there were only two other men who went about in long black cloaks. One was Spectorini, the Director of the Grand Imperial Opera. The other was Von Von Greitschmansthal, the Court Painter. And both had their long black cloaks lined with red.

To wear a long black cloak and then to line it with brown . . . with brown . . . this indicated an individualism of the very highest order. And, as he could scarcely in good manners stop this strange man on the street and confront him with his curiosity, therefore he followed him. Down the Street of the Apple-pressers (no apples had been pressed there in decades), left into the Street of the Beautiful Vista (the only vista there nowadays was that of a series of dressmakers’ shops), down the Place Maurits Louis (containing six greengrocers, two florists, a French laundry, a café, and a really awful statue of that depressed and, indeed, rather depressing monarch), and thence into the Court of the Golden Hart.

And thence into the establishment of the Brothers Swartbloi, SNUFF-TOBACCO.

One of the brothers was behind the counter. He looked at the first newcomer, from as far down as the counter permitted him to observe, all the way up to the curious hat (it was made of black velvet and bore a silver medallion of some sort; and, while it did not exactly appear to be a cap of maintenance, it looked far more like a cap of maintenance than it did like anything else). And he – the Brother Swartbloi – permitted himself a bow. The first newcomer drew from his pocket an enormous snuffbox, set it down, and uttered one word.

“Rappee.”

The brother took up a brass scoop, reached it into the appropriate jar, removed it, set it on the scales, removed it, and emptied it into the snuffbox.

The quantity was just enough. One hundred years and more in the business of estimating the capacities of snuffboxes gives one a certain degree of skill in the matter.

The tall man placed on the counter a coin of five copperkas (the snuff of the Brothers Swartbloi does not come cheap) and a card, allowed himself a nod of thanks, and turned and left.

His face was craggy and smooth-shaven and indicative of many things.

When the door had closed behind him the Brother again bowed – this time more warmly. “And in what way may I help the August Sir Doctor?” asked he.

“By supplying him with four ounces of Imperial.”

Small purchases at Swartbloi’s are wrapped in newspaper, when not decanted into snuffboxes. Larger purchases are wrapped in special pleated-paper parcels, each supplied with a colored label. The label shows a gentleman, in the costume of the reign of Ignats Ferdinando, applying two fingers to his nose; his expression is one of extreme satisfaction. These lables are colored by hand by old Frow Imglotch, whose eyesight is not what it was, and the results are more than merely curious: they are proof of the authenticity of the label and of the product.

“I had the honour of seeing the August Sir Doctor some months since,” said the Brother, “when I was at Hieronymos’s” – he named Eszterhazy’s tobacconist, the source of the famous segars – “obtaining of our usual supply of Habana clippings for our famous Habana snuff-tobacco. I am wondering if the August Sir Doctor is giving up segars in favor of snuff . . .?”

He was a dry, thin sort of man, with a few dark curls scattered across a bony skull. Automatically, Eszterhazy took a sight reading of the skull, but it did not seem very interesting. “Ah, no,” he said. “It is for one of my servants – a saint’s-day present. However, were I to take to taking snuff, be assured that it would be the I-have-no-doubt-justly-famous snuff of the Brothers Swartbloi. Who was that gentleman who was just in here?”

The brother, with a bow at the compliment, passed the card over.

MILORD SIR SMIHT

Wizard anglais

Specializing in late hours & By appointment

In a very elegant copperplate hand had been added: Hotel Grand Dominik.

“One does hear,” the brother said, “that the British nobility are of a high and eccentric nature.”

“So one does. Often,” Eszterhazy agreed. It might not have been high, but it would certainly have been eccentric for a member of the British aristocracy to put up at the Hotel Grand Dominik. He reflected, not for the first time, he knew, and not for the last, he expected, on the persistence of the Continental usage of milord, a rank not known either to Burke or Debrett. As for the name Smith, no one to the south or east of the English Channel has ever been able to spell it right, nor ever will.

He put down his money and prepared to depart; now that he knew where the stranger was to be found, it was no longer necessary to dog him about the streets.

He looked up to find a familiar, if not a welcome, expression on the face of the brother, who proceeded as expected: Might he take the very great liberty of asking the August Sir Doctor a question? He might. Ah, the August Sir Doctor was very kind. But still the question was not forthcoming. Eszterhazy decided to help him along; most such silences, following such questions, followed a certain pattern.

“If the question involves past indiscretions,” he said, gently, “I should represent that Doctor LeDuc, who has a daily advertisement in the popular newspapers— It is not that? Well. If the question involves a failure of regularity, I should recommend syrup of figs. What? Not that, either? Then you must come right out with it.”

But the man did not come right out with it. Instead, he began a sort of history of his firm and family. The first Brothers Swartbloi were Kummelman and Hugo. They were succeeded by Augsto and Frans. And Frans begat Kummelman II and Ignats.

“I am the present Kummelman Swartbloi,” he said, with an air of dignity at which it was impossible to laugh. “My brother Ignats – he is at present in the mill, salting the Turkey – has never married, and it does not seem that he ever will. My wife and I – she is the daughter and only child of my late Uncle Augsto – we have been wed for fifteen years now. But there have been no children. After all, no one lives forever. And how would it be possible, Sir Doctor, for there to be no Brothers Swartbloi in Bella? How could we leave the business over to strangers? And . . . and . . . there are so many medicines . . . One hardly knows where to begin. Could the August Sir Doctor recommend a particular medicine, known to be both safe and effective?”

The August Sir Doctor said very, very gently, “I should instead recommend my colleague, Professor Doctor Plotz, of the Faculty of Medicine. You may mention my name.”

The Hotel Grand Dominik has come down in the world since the days when it formed a stop on the Grand Tour. Long after having ceased to be fashionable among the gentry, it retained an affection on the part of the more prosperous of the commercial travelers. But it was at that time near the East Railroad Terminal. It is still, in fact, near the East Railroad Terminal, but since the completion of the Great Central Terminal, the shabby old East only serves suburban and industrial rail lines. Consequently, the commercial travelers who stop at the Grand Dominik either are very uninnovative or very old and in any event very unprosperous, or else they are merely unprosperous by reason of such factors as not selling anything worth buying. In fact, for some several years the Grand Dominik has stayed open solely because its famous half-ducat dinner, served between eleven and three, is deservedly popular among the junior partners and upper clerks of the many timber firms who still hold out in the adjacent neighborhood. The rooms are thus ancillary to the hotel’s main business. So the rooms are, in a word, cheap.

They are also – no management having been vigorous enough to undertake architectural changes – rather large. Milord Sir Smiht sat in a chair and at a table in the middle of his room, lit by the late afternoon sun. The rear of the room was dim. One caught glimpses of an enormous bed, hugely canopied and reached by a small stepladder, of an antique clothes press, a washbasin of marble and mahogany, a sofa whose worn upholstery still breathed out a very faint air of bygone fashion – and a very strong odor of present-day Rappee snuff – although it was actually rather unlikely that this last came from the sofa, and vastly likely that it came from the wizard anglais himself.

Who said, “I’ve seen you before.”

Eszterhazy said, “You left a card in the Court of the Golden Hart, and so—”

“—and so that was why you followed me halfway across Bella, because you knew I was going to leave my card in a snuff shop. Eh?”

The conversation was in French.

Eszterhazy smiled. “The milord is observant. Well. It is certainly true. My interest was aroused by the distinctive, I may say, distinguished appearance—”

The milord grunted, took out an enormous watch, glanced at it, shoved it across to where his visitor could see it. “My terms,” he said, “are two ducats for a half-hour. It has just now begun. You may ask as many questions as you please. You may do card tricks. You may spend the entire time looking at me. However, if you wish the employment of the odyllic force, then we should commence at once. Unless, of course, you are willing to pay another two ducats for any fraction of one-half-hour after the first.”

Eszterhazy wondered, of course, that anyone so seemingly businesslike should find himself a wanderer in a country so distant from his own – let alone a lodger at the Hotel Grand Dominik. He had learned, however, that the role which people see themselves as playing is not always the same role in which the world at large perceives them.

“To begin with,” he said, taking one of his own specially printed forms from his pocket, “I will ask Sir Smiht to be kind enough to remove his hat for the length of time which it will take me to complete my examination—”

The Englishman gazed at the forms with the greatest astonishment. “Good God!” he exclaimed. “I did once, long ago, at Brighton, to be sure, pay a phrenologist to fumble and peer about my pate – but I never thought that a phrenologist would pay me for the privilege!”

“Ah, Brighton,” Eszterhazy said. “The Royal Pavilions – what an excursion into the phantastique! Do you suppose that the First Gentleman of Europe might have been the first gentleman in Europe to have smoked hasheesh?”

Smiht snorted. Then his face, as he began to take his hat off, underwent a certain change. he completed the gesture, and then he said, “Brighton, eh. I suppose you must speak English, although I don’t suppose you are English?”

“As a boy I often spent my holidays with the family of my aunt, who lived in England.”

“Then let us cease to speak in French. Much better for you to struggle than for me. Furthermore – if you have been in England you ought to know damned well that the title Sir never precedes the family name without the interposition of the Christian name, although in such instances as that of Sir Moses Montefiore one would employ another terminology – a point which I cannot get across to the Continental mind, confound it! I consent to milord, because it is, I suppose, traditional, as one might say; and I submit to S-M-I-H-T because I realize how difficult the T-H is to speakers of any other language except Greek and I suppose Icelandic . . . speakers? spellers . . .?”

Here he paused to draw breath and consider his next phrase, and Eszterhazy took the opportunity to approach him from behind and gently place his fingers on the man’s head. He was slightly surprised when the other went on to say, “Anyway, the baronetcy absolutely baffles the Continent of Europe – small wonder, I suppose, when every son of a baron here is also a baron and every son of a prince here is also a prince. No wonder the Continent is simply crawling with princes and barons and counts and grafts – no primogeniture, ah well . . . Now suppose you just call ’em out to me and I’ll write ’em down, can’t read this Gothic or whatever it is, so you needn’t fear I’ll get me back up if you decide I’m deficient in honesty, or whatever, Just say, oh, second down, third over – eh?”

“First down, first over,” said Eszterhazy.

Without moving his head, the Englishman reached out his long arm and made a mark in the first column of the first row. “I was christened George William Marmaduke Pemberton,” he said. “Called me George, was what me people called me. Marmaduke Pemberton was a great-uncle by marriage, long since predeceased by the great-aunt of the blood. Made dog-biscuit, or some such thing, grew rich at it, or perhaps they were digestive biscuits, doesn’t matter. As he’d never gotten any children on Aunt Maude and never remarried after she died, couldn’t get it up. I suppose, rest of me people they thought, well, let’s name this ’un after him and he’ll leave him all his pelf, you see, under the condition of his assuming the name of Smith-Pemberton. Baronetcy was to go to me oldest brother. Well, old Marmaduke left me beans, is what he left me, rest of it went to some fund to restore churches, sniveling parsons had been at him, don’t you see.

“Second down, fourth over, very well. Tenny rate, say what you will, always tipped me a guinea on me birthday, so out of gratitude and because I couldn’t stand the name George, have always used the style Pemberton Smith. Can I get any Continental printer to spell Pemberton correctly? Ha! Gave up trying. Now, as to the odyllic force or forces, in a way it began with Bulwer-Lytton as he called himself before he got his title – ever read any of his stuff? Awful stuff, don’t know how they can read it, but he had more than a mere inkling of the odyllic, you know. What’s that? Fourth down, first over, dot and carry one. And in a way, of course, one can say, ’t all goes back to Mesmer. Well, tut-tut, hmm, of course, Mesmer had it. Although poor chap didn’t know what he had. And then Oscar took a Maori bullet at a place called Pa Rewi Nang Nang, or some such thing, damn-able is what I call it to die at a place called Pa Rewi Nang Nang, or some such thing – sixth down and four, no five over, aiwah, tuan besar. Next thing one knew, Reginald had dived into the Hooghli, likely story, that, and never came up – ’spect a croc got him, poor chap, better mouthful than a hundred scrawny Hindoos, ah well.”

George William Marmaduke Pemberton Smith fell silent a moment and helped himself to two nostrils of Rappee snuff.

“And what’s the consequence? Here is my sole remaining brother, Augustus, heir to the baronetcy. And here’s me, poor fellow, name splashed all over the penny press, because why? Because of a mere accident, a Thing of Nature, here am I, as I might be here, demonstrating the odyllic forces before a subcommittee of the Royal Society, one of whom, Pigafetti Jones, awful ass, having kindly volunteered to act as subject, dis-a-pears! – leaving nothing but his clothes, down to the last brace-button, belly-band, and ball-and-socket truss – Well! After all. Is this a scientific experiment or is this not? Are there such things as the hazards of the chase or are there not such things as the hazards of the chase? First off, laugh, then they say, very well, bring him back, then they dare to call me a char-la-tan: ME! And then—”

Dimly, very dimly, Eszterhazy remembered having read, long ago (and it had not been fresh news, even then), of the singular disappearance of Mr. Pigafetti Jones, Astronomer-Royal for Wales. But what he was hearing now provided more details than he had ever even guessed at. It also provided, if not a complete explanation for, at least an assumption as to why “Milord Sir Smiht” was and had long been wandering the continent of Europe (and perhaps farther) a remittance man, as the British called it. That is, in return for his keeping far away and thus bringing at least no fresh local scandals to his family’s embarrassment, the family would continue to remit him a certain sum of money at fixed intervals.

It was still not clear, though, if he were already a baronet or was merely assumed to be because his father was one. Or had been.

And as for the odyllic force . . .

“Forces,” said the tall old Englishman, calmly. “I am quite confident that there is more than one.”

And for the moment he said no more. Had he read Eszterhazy’s mind, then? Or was it merely a fortuitous comment of his own, in his own disjointed manner?

“Or, for that matter,” the latter went on, in a generous tone of voice, “take Zosimus the Alchemist, if you like. Come in!” The hall-porter came in, bowed with ancient respectfulness (the hall-porter was rather ancient, himself), laid down a salver with a card on it, and withdrew. “Ah-hah. Business is picking up. Fifteen down, three over . . .”

Eszterhazy had not stayed beyond the half-hour, but made a semi-appointment for a later date. The card of the further business awaiting Milord Sir Smiht was facing directly toward both of them, and he could hardly have avoided reading it.

And it read: Brothers Swartbloi, Number 3, Court of the Golden Hart. Snuff-Tobacco.

Third Assistant Supervisory Officer Lupescus, of the Aliens Office, was feeling rather mixed, emotionally. On the one hand, he still had the happiness of having (recently) reached the level of a third assistant supervisory official; it was not every day, or even every year that a member of the Romanou-speaking minority attained such high rank in the Imperial Capital. On the other hand, a certain amount of field work was now required of him, and he had never done field work before. This present task, for instance, this call upon the Second Councilor at the British Legation, was merely routine. “Merely routine, my dear Lupescus,” his superior in the office, Second ASO on Glouki had said. Easily enough said, but, routine or not routine, one had to have something to show for this visit. And it did not look as though one were going to get it.

“Smith, Smith,” the Second Councilor was saying, testily. “I tell you that I must have more information. What Smith?”

All that Lupescus could do was to repeat, “Milord Sir Smiht.”

“‘Milord, Milord,’ there is no such rank or title. Sir, why, that is merely as one would say Herra, or Monsieur. And as for Smith – by the way, you’ve got it spelled wrongly there, you know, it is S-M-I-T-H – well, you can’t expect me to know anything about anyone just named Smith, why, that’s like asking me about someone named Jones, in Cardiff, or Macdonald, in Glasgow . . . Mmm, no, you wouldn’t know about those . . . Ah, well, it’s, oh, it’s like asking me about someone named Novotny in Prague! D’you see?”

Lupescus brightened just a trifle. This was something. Very dutifully and carefully, he wrote in his notebook, Subject Milord Smiht said to be associated with Novotny in Prague . . .

With his best official bow, he withdrew. Withdrawn, he allowed himself a sigh. Now he would have to go and check out Novotny with the people at the Austro-Hungarian Legation. He hoped that this would be more productive than this other enquiry had been. One would have thought that people named Smiht grew on trees in England.

Eszterhazy’s growing association with the white-haired Englishman took, if not a leap, then a sort of lurch, forward one evening about a month after his first visit. He had sent up his card with the hall-porter, who had returned with word that he was to go up directly. He found Smith with a woman in black, a nondescript woman of the type who hold up churches all around the world.

“Ah, come in, my dear sir. Look here. This good woman doesn’t speak either French or German, and my command of Gothic is not . . . well, ask her what she wants, do, please.”

Frow Widow Apterhots wished to be placed in communication with her late husband. “That is to say,” she said, anxious that there be no confusion nor mistake, “that is to say, he is dead, you know. His name is Emyil.”

Smiht shook his head tolerantly at this. “Death does not exist,” he said, “nor does life exist, save as states of flux to one side or other of the sidereal line, or astral plane, as some call it. From this point of view it may seem that anyone who is not alive must be dead, but that is not so. The absent one, the one absent from here, may now be fluctuating in the area called ‘death,’ or he or she may be proceeding in a calm vibration along the level of the sidereal line or so-called astral plane. We mourn because the ‘dead’ are not ‘alive.’ But in the world which we call ‘death’ the so-called ‘dead’ may be mourning a departure into what we call ‘life.’”

From Widow Apterhots sighed. “Emyil was always so healthy, so strong,” she said. “I still can’t understand it. He always did say that there wasn’t no Hell, just Heaven and Purgatory, and I used to say, ‘Oh, Emyil, people will think that you’re a Freemason or something.’ Well, our priest, Father Ugerow, he just won’t listen when I talk like this, he says, ‘If you won’t say your prayers, at least perform some work of corporal mercy, and take your mind off such things.’ But what I say—” She leaned forward, her simple sallow face very serious and confiding, “I say that all I want to know is: Is he happy there? That’s all.”

Pemberton Smith said that he could guarantee nothing, but in any event he would have to have at least one object permeated with the odyllic force of the so-called deceased. The Frow Widow nodded and delved into her reticule. “That’s what I was told, so I come prepared. I always made him wear this, let them say what they like, he always did. But I wouldn’t let them bury him with it because I wanted it for a keepsake. Here you are, Professor.” She held out a small silver crucifix.

Smith took the article with the utmost calm and walked over and set it down upon a heavy piece of furniture in the dimness of the back of the room. There were quite a number of things already on the table. Smith beckoned, and the others came toward him, Frow Widow Apterhots because she was sure that she was meant to, and Eszterhazy because he was sure he wanted to. “These,” said Smith, “are the equipment for the odyllic forces. Pray take a seat, my good woman.” He struck a match and lit a small gas jet; it was not provided with a mantle, and it either lacked a regulatory tap or something was wrong with the one it did have – or perhaps Smith merely liked to see the gas flame shooting up to its fullest extent; at least two feet long the flame was, wavering wildly and a reddish gold in color.

Certainly, he was not trying to conceal anything.

But these were interesting, certainly whatever else they were, and Eszterhazy took advantage of the English wizard’s at the moment administering to himself two strong doses of Rappee – one in each nostril – to scrutinize the equipment for the odyllic forces. What he saw was a series of bell jars . . . that is, at least some of them were bell jars . . . some of the others resembled, rather, Leyden jars . . . and what was all that, under the bell jars? In one there seemed to be a vast quantity of metal filings; in another, quicksilver; in the most of them, organic matter, vegetive in origin. Every jar, bell or Leyden, appeared to be connected to every other jar by a system of glass tubing: and all the tubes seemed fitted up to a sort of master-tube, which coiled around and down and finally upward, culminating in what appeared to be an enormous gramophone horn.

“Pray, touch nothing,” warned Milord Sir Smiht. “The equipment is exceedingly fragile.” He took up a small, light table, the surface of which consisted of some open lattice-work material – Eszterhazy was not sure what – and, moving it easily, set it up over the born. On it he placed the crucifix. “Now, my dear sir, if you will be kind enough to ask this good lady, first, to take these in her hands . . .? And, to concentrate, if she will, entirely upon the memory of her husband, now on another plane of existence.” The Widow Apterhots, sitting down, took hold of the these – in this case, a pair of metal grips of the sort which are connected, often, to magnetic batteries, but in this case were not – they seemed connected in some intricate way with the glass tubings. She closed her eyes. “And,” the wizard continued, “please to cooperate in sending on my request. Which, after all, is her request, translated into my own methodology.”

He began an intricate series of turnings of taps, of twistings of connections at joints and at junctions, of connectings; at length he was finished. “Emyil Apterhots. Emyil Apterhots. Emyil Apterhots. If you are happy, wherever you are, kindly signify by moving the crucifix which you wore when on this plane of existence. Now!”

The entire massive piece of furniture upon which the equipment for the odyllic force (or forces) was placed began to move forward.

“No, no, you Gothic oaf!” shouted the milord, his face crimson with fury and concern. “Not the sideboard! The crucifix! Just the cru-ci-fix—” He set himself against the sideboard and pressed it back. In vain. In vain. In vain. In a moment, Eszterhazy, concerned lest the glass tubings should snap, reached forward to adjust them, so that the intricate workings should not be shattered and sundered – the wizard, panting and straining against the laboratory furniture as the heavy mass continued to slide forward . . . forward . . . forward . . .

—and suddenly slid rapidly backward, Milord Sir Smiht stumbling and clutching at empty air, Eszterhazy darting forward, and the two of them executing a sort of slow, insane schottische, arm in arm, before coming to a slow halt—

And then, oh so grumpy, wiping his brow with a red bandana handkerchief, of the sort in which navvies wrap their pork pies, hear Milord Sir Smiht say, “I must regard this session as questionable in its results. And I must say that I am not used to such contumacy from the habitants of the sidereal line!”

Frow Widow Apterhots, however, clearly did not regard the results as in any way questionable. Her sallow, silly face now quite blissful, she stepped forward and retrieved the crucifix. “Emyil,” she said, “was always so strong . . . !”

And on that note she departed.

Herr Manfred Mauswarmer at the Austro-Hungarian Legation was quite interested. “‘Novotny in Prague,’ eh? Hmmm, that seems to ring a bell.” Third ASO Lupescus sat up straighter. A faint tingle of excitement went through his scalp. “Yes, yes,” said Herr Mauswarmer, “we have of a certainty heard the name. One of those Czech names,” he said, almost indulgently. “One never knows what they may be up to.” Very carefully he made a neat little note and looked up brightly. “We shall of course first have to communicate with Vienna—”

“Oh, of course!”

“And they will, of course, communicate with Prague.”

Herr Manfred Mauswarmer’s large, pale, bloodshot blue eyes blinked once or twice. “A Czech name,” he noted. “An English name. Uses the code cypher Wizard. Communicates in French.” He briefly applied one thick forefinger to the side of his nose. He winked. Lupescus winked back. They understood each other. The hare had had a headstart. But the hounds had caught the scent.

One of the bell jars was empty – had, in fact, always been empty, although Eszterhazy had merely noted this without considering as to why it might be so. He did not ask about it as he listened, now, to the Englishman’s talk. Milord Sir Smiht, his cap on his head, his cloak sometimes giving a dramatic flap as he turned in his pacings of the large old room, said, “The contents of the vessels in large part represent the vegetable and mineral kingdom – I don’t know if you have noticed that.”

“I have.”

“The animal kingdom, now . . . well, each man and woman is a microcosm, representing the macrocosm, the universe, in miniature. That is to say, we contain in our own bodies enough of the animal and mineral to emanate at all times, though we are not aware of it, a certain amount of odyllic force—”

“Or forces.”

“Or forces. Point well made. However. Now, although the average human body does include, usually, some amounts of the vegetable kingdom – so much potato, cabbage, sprouts, let us say – undergoing the process of digestive action,” flap went his cloak, “as well as the ever-present bacteria, also vegetative, still. The chemical constituencies in our body, now, I forget just what they amount to. Four-and-six, more or less, in real money. Or is it two-and-six? One forgets. Still. Primarily, the human organism is an animal organism.” Flap.

Eszterhazy, nodding, made a steeple of his hands. “And therefore (Pemberton Smith will correct me if I am wrong), when the human subject takes hold of that pair of metallic grips, the three kingdoms, animal, vegetable, and mineral, come together in a sort of unity—”

“A sort of Triune Monarchy in parvo, as it were, yes, correct! I see that I was not wrong in assuming that yours was a mind capable of grasping these matters,” flap, “and then it is all a matter of adjustment: One turns up the vegetative emanations, one turns in the mineral emanations . . . and then, then, my dear sir, one hopes for the best. For one has not as yet been able to adjust the individual human beings. They are what they are. One can turn a tap, one can open a valve or lose a valve, plug in a connecting tube or unplug a connecting tube. But one has to take a human body just as one finds it . . . Pity, in a way . . . Hollo, hollo!”

Something was happening in the empty bell jar: mists and fumes, pale blue lights, red sparks and white sparks.

Milord Sir Smiht, dashing hither and thither and regulating his devices, stopped, suddenly, looked imploringly at Eszterhazy, gestured, and said, “Would you, my dear fellow? Awf’ly grateful—”

Eszterhazy sat in the chair, took the metal grips in his hands, and tried to emulate those curious animals, the mules, which, for all that they are void of hope of posterity, can still manage to look in two directions at once.

Direction Number One: Pemberton Smith, as he coupled and uncoupled, attached and disattached, turned, tightened, loosened, adjusting the ebb and flow of the odyllic forces. Animal, vegetable, and mineral.

Direction Number Two: The once-empty bell jar, wherein now swarmed . . . wherein now swarmed what? A hive of microscopic bees, perhaps.

A faint tingle passed through the palms of Eszterhazy’s hands and up his hands and arms. The tingle grew stronger. It was not really at all like feeling an electrical current, though. A perspiration broke forth upon his forehead. He felt very slightly giddy, and the wizard anglais almost at once perceived this. “Too strong for you, is it? Sorry about that!” He made adjustments. The giddiness was at once reduced, almost at once passed away.

And the something in the bell jar slowly took form and shape.

It was a simulacrum, perhaps. Or perhaps the word was homunculus. The bell jar was the size of a child. And the man within it was the size of a rather small child. Otherwise it was entirely mature. And “it” was really not the correct pronoun, for the homunculus (or whatever it was) was certainly a man, however small: a man wearing a frock coat and everything which went with frock coats, and a full beard. He even had an order of some sort, a ribbon which crossed his bosom, and a medal or medallion. Eszterhazy thought, but could not be sure, that it rather resembled the silver medallion which Milord Sir Smiht wore in his hat.

“Pemberton Smith, who is that?”

“Who, that? Or. Oh, that’s Gomes—” He pronounced it to rhyme with roams. “He’s the Wizard of Brazil. You’ve heard of Gomes, to be sure.” And he then proceeded to move his arms, hands, and fingers with extreme rapidity, pausing only to say, “We communicate through the international sign language, you see. He has no English and I have no Portagee. Poor old Gomes, things have been ever so slack for him since poor old Dom Peedro got the sack. Ah well. Inevitable, I suppose. Emperors and the Americas just don’t seem to go together. Purely an Old World phenomena, don’t you know.” And once again his fingers and hands and arms began their curious, rapid, and impressive movement. “Yes, yes,” he muttered to himself. “I see, I see. No. Really. You don’t say. Ah, too bad, too bad!”

He turned to Eszterhazy. Within the jar, the tiny digits and limbs of the Wizard of Brazil had fallen, as it were, silent. The homunculus shrugged, sadly. “What do you make of all that?” asked the Wizard of England (across the waters).

“What? Is it not clear? The ants are eating his coffee trees, and he wishes you to send him some paris green, as the local supply has been exhausted.”

“My dear chap, I can’t send him any paris green!”

“Assure him that I shall take care of it myself. Tomorrow.”

“I say, that is ever so good of you! Yes, yes, ah, pray excuse me now whilst I relay the good news.”

In far-off Petropolis, the summer capital of Brazil, the wizard of that mighty nation, much reduced in size (wizard, not nation) by transatlantic transmission, crossed his arms upon his bosom and bowed his gratitude in the general direction of the distant though friendly nation of Scythia-Pan-nonia-Transbalkania. All men of science, after all, constitute one great international confraternity.

The saint’s-day gift of snuff was so well received by Frow Widow Orgats, Eszterhazy’s cook (who had taken his advice to stock up on coffee), that he thought he would lay in a further supply as a sweetener against the possibility of one of those occasions – infrequent, but none the less to be feared – when the Frow Cook suffered severe attacks of the vapors and either burned the soup or declared (with shrieks and shouts audible on the second floor) her intense inability to face anything in the shape of a stove at all. So, on the next convenient occasion, he once more made his way to the Court of the Golden Hart.

“Four ounces of the Imperial.”

He peered at the Swartbloi brother, who was peering at the scales. “You are not Kummelman,” he said. Almost. But not.

“No sir, I am Ignats,” said the brother. “Kummelman is at the moment—”

“In the mill, salting the Turkey. I know.”

Ignats Swartbloi looked at him with some surprise and some reproof. “Oh, no, sir. Kummelman always grinds the Rappee, and I always salt the Turkey. On the other tasks we either work together or take turns. But never in regard to the grinding of the Rappee or the salting of the Turkey. I had been about to say, sir, that Kummelman is at his home, by reason of his wife’s indisposition, she being presently in a very delicate condition.”

And he handed over the neatly wrapped packet of pleated paper bearing the well-known illustrated label – this one, old Frow Imglotch had tinted so as to give the snufftaker a gray nose and a green periwig, neither of which in any way diminished the man’s joy at having his left nostril packed solid with Brothers Swartbloi Snuff-Tobacco (though whether Rappee, Imperial, Minorka, Habana, or Turkey, has never been made plain, and perhaps never will be).

“Indeed, indeed. Pray accept my heartiest felicitations.”

The brother gazed at him and gave a slight, polite bow, no more. “That is very kind of you, sir. Felicitations are perhaps premature. Suppose the child will be a girl?”

“Hm,” said Eszterhazy. “Hm, hm. Well, there is that possibility, isn’t there? Thank you, and good afternoon.”

He could not but suppose that this same possibility must have also occurred to Brother Kummelman. And, in that case, he wondered, would a second visit have been paid to the large, antiquated room in the Grand Dominik where the Milord anglais still prolonged his stay?

Herr von Paarfus pursed his lips. He shook his head. Gave a very faint sigh. Then he got up and went into the office of his superior, the Graf zu Kluk. “Yes, what?” said the Graf zu Kluk, whose delightful manners always made it such a pleasure to work with him. More than once had Herr von Paarfus thought of throwing it all up and migrating to America, where his cousin owned a shoe store in Omaha. None of this, of course, passed his lips. He handed the paper to his superior.

“From Mauswarmer, in Bella, Excellency,” he said.

The Graf fitted his monocle more closely into his eye and grunted. “Mauswarmer, in Bella,” he said, looking up, “has uncovered an Anglo-Franco-Czech conspiracy, aimed against the integrity of the Austro-Hungarian Empire.”

“Indeed, Your Excellency!” said von Paarfus, trying to sound shocked.

“Oh yes! There is no doubt of it,” declared Graf zu Kluk, tapping the report with a highly polished fingernail. “The liaison agent – of course, in Prague, where else? – is a man named Novotny. The password is ‘wizard.’ What do you think of that?”

“I think, Your Excellency, that Novotny is a very common name in Prague.”

Graf zu Kluk gave no evidence of having heard. “I shall take this up with His Highness, at once,” he said. Even Graf zu Kluk had a superior officer. But then, long years of training in the Civil Service of Austria-Hungary cautioned him. “That is,” he said, “as soon as we have had word on this from our people in London, Paris, and Prague. Until then, mind, not a word to anyone!”

“Your Excellency is of course correct.”

“Of course. Of course. See to this. At once!”

Von Paarfus went out, thinking of Omaha. Not until the door had closed behind him did he sigh once again.

Oberzeeleutnant-commander Adler had had a long and distinguished career in the naval service of a neighboring power. “But then,” he said, stiffly, “I – how do you put it, in English? Than I copied my blotting-book? I of course do not desire to go into details. At any rate, I thought to myself, even if I shall not be actually at sea, at any rate, at least I shall be able to put my finishing touches on the revision of my monograph on the deep-sea fishes. But the High Command was even more loath with me than I had thought; ah, how they did punished me, did I deserved such punishments? Aund so, here I am, Naval Attaché in Bella! In Bella! A river port! Capital of a nation, exceedingly honorable, to be sure.” He bobbed a hasty bow to Eszterhazy, who languidly returned it. “But one which has no deep-sea coast at all! Woe!” For a moment he said nothing, only breathed deeply. Then, “What interest could anyone possibly find in a freshwater fish, I do enquire you?” he entreated. But no one had an answer.

“Mmm,” said Milord Sir Smiht. “Yes. Yes. Know what it is to be an exile, myself. Still. I stay strictly away from politics, you know. Not my pidjin. Whigs, Tories, nothing to me. Plague on both their houses. Sea-fish, rich in phosphorus. Brain food.”

But the commander had not made himself clear. What he would wish to propose of the Milord Sir Smiht was not political. It was scientific. Could not Sir Smiht, by means of the idyllic – what? ah! – thousand pardons – the odyllic force, of which one had heard much – could not Sir Smiht produce an ensampling of, say, the waters of the Mindanao Trench, or of some other deep-sea area – here – here in Bella – so that the commander might continue his studies?

The milord threw up his hands. “Impossible!” he cried. “Im-pos-sib-le! Think of the pressures! One would need a vessel of immensely strong steel. With windows of immensely thick glass. Just to begin with! Cost: much. Possibilities of success: jubious.”

But the Naval Attaché begged that these trifles might not stand in the way. The cost, the cost was to be regarded as merely a first step, and one already taken; he hinted at private means.

“As for the rest.” Eszterhazy stepped forward, a degree of interest showing in his large eyes. “At least, as for the steel, there are the plates for the Ignats Louis . . .”

The Ignats Louis! With what enthusiasm the nation (particularly the patriotic press) had encouraged plans for the construction of the Triune Monarchy’s very first dreadnought, a vessel which (it was implied) would strike justly deserved terror into the hearts of the enemies – actual or potential – of Scythia-Pannonia-Transbalkania! A New Day, it was declared, was about to dawn for the Royal and Imperial Navy of the fourth-largest empire in Europe; a Navy which had until then consisted of three revenue cutters, two gunboats, one lighthouse tender, and the monitor Furioso (formerly the Monadnock, purchased very cheaply from the United States after the conclusion of the American Civil War). Particular attention had been drawn to the exquisitely forged and incredibly strong steel plate, made in Sweden at great expense.

Alas, the day of the Triune Monarchy as one of the naval powers of the world had been exceedingly short-lived and more or less terminated upon the discovery that the Ignats Louis would draw four feet more than the deepest reaches of the River Ister at high water in the floods. The cheers of the patriotic press were overnight reduced to silence, subsidies for the dreadnought vanished from the next budget, the skeleton of the vessel slowly rusted on the ways, the exquisitely forged and incredibly strong steel plating remained in the storage sheds of the contractor; and the two gunboats and the monitor alone remained to strike terror into the hearts of, if not Russia and Austria-Hungary, then at any rate Graustark and Ruritania.

The downcast face of the foreign naval commander slowly began to brighten. The countenance of the English wizard likewise relaxed. And, as though by one common if semi-silent consent, they drew up to the table and began to make their plans.

“Qu’est-ce qu’il y a, cette affaire d’une vizard anglais aux Scythie-Pannonie-Transbalkanie?” they asked, in Paris.

“C’est, naturellement, une espèce de blague,” they answered, in Paris.

“Envoyez-le à Londres,” they concluded, in Paris.

“What can the chaps mean?” they asked each other, in London. “‘English vizar Milor Sri Smhiti’? Makes no sense, you know.”

“Mmm, well, does, in a way, y’know,” they said in London. “Of course, that should be vizier. And sri, of course, is an Injian religious title. Dunno what to make of Smhti, though. Hindi? Gujerathi? Look here. Sir Augustus is our Injian expert. Send it up to him,” they said, in London.

“Very well, then . . . but, look here. What can this be about Tcheque novothni? They simply can’t spell in Paris, you know. Check up on the Novothni, what are the Novothni?”

“Blessed if I know. Some hill tribe or other. Not our pidjin. Best send it all up to Sir Augustus,” they said, in London.

But in Prague they sat down to their files, which, commencing with Novotny, Abelard, ran for pages and pages and pages down to Novotny, Zygmund. They had lots and lots of time in Prague, and, anyway, it was soothing work, and much more to their tastes than the absolutely baffling case of a young student who thought that he had turned into a giant cockroach.

They had directed the old hall-porter at the Grand Dominik to inform all would-be visitors that Milord Sir Smiht was not receiving people at present. But Frow Puprikosch was not one to be deterred by hall-porters; indeed, it is doubtful if she understood what he was saying, and, before he had finished saying it, she had swept on . . . and on, and into the large old-fashioned chamber where the three were at work.

“Not now,” said Smiht, scarcely looking up from his adjustments of the tubing system to the steel-plated diving bell. “I can’t see you now.”

“But you must see me now,” declared Frow Puprikosch, in a rich contralto voice. “My case admits of no delays, for how can one live without love?” Frow Puprikosch was a large, black-haired woman in whom the bloom of youth had mellowed. “That was the tragedy of my life, that my marriage to Puprikosch lacked love – but what did I know then? – mere child that I was.” She pressed one hand to her bosom, as to push back the tremendous sigh which arose therefrom, and with the other she employed – as an aid to emphasis and gesticulation – an umbrella of more use to the ancient lace industry of the Triune Monarchy than of any possible guard against rain.

“And what would Herra Puprikosch say, if he knew what you were up to, eh? Much better go home, my dear lady,” she was advised.

“He is dead, I have divorced him, the marriage was annulled, he is much better off in Argentina,” she declared, looking all around with great interest.

“Argentina?”

“Somewhere in Africa!” she said, and, with a wave of her umbrella, or perhaps it was really a parasol, disposed of such pedantries. “What I wish of you, dear wizard,” she said, addressing Eszterhazy, “is only this: to make known to me my true love. Of course you can do it. Where shall I sit down here? I shall sit here.”

He assured her that he was not the wizard, but she merely smiled an arch and anxious smile, and began to peel off her gloves. As these were very long and old-fashioned with very many buttons (of the best-quality mother-of-pearl, and probably from the establishment of Weitmondl in the Court of the Golden Hart), the act took her no little time. And it was during this time that it was agreed by the men present, between them, with shrugs and sighs and nods, that they had beter accomplish at least the attempt to do what the lady desired, if they expected to be able to get on with their work at all that day.

“If the dear lady will be kind enough to grasp these grips,” said Sir Smiht, in a resigned manner, “and concentrate upon the matter which is engaging her mind, ah, yes, that’s a very good grasp.” He began to make the necessary adjustments.

“Love, love, my true love, my true affinity, where is he?” demanded Frow Puprikosch of the Universal Aether. “Yoi!” she exclaimed, a moment later, in her native Avar, her eyebrows going up until they met the fringe, so pleasantly arranged, of glossy black hair. “Already I feel it begins. Yoi!”

“‘Yoiks’ would be more like it,” Smiht muttered. He glanced at a dial to the end of the sideboard. “Good heavens!” he exclaimed. “What an extraordinary amount of the odyllic forces that woman conjugates! Never seen anything like it!”

“Love,” declared Frow Puprikosch, “love is all that matters; money is of no matter, I have money; position is of no matter, I expectorate upon the false sham of position. I am a woman of such a nature as to crave, demand, and require only love! And I know, I know, I know, that somewhere is the true true affinity of my soul – where are you?” she caroled, casting her large and lovely eyes all around. “Oo-hoo?”

The hand of the dial, which had been performing truly amazing swings and movements, now leaped all the way full circle, and, with a most melodious twang, fell off the face of the dial and onto the ancient rug.

At that moment sounds, much less melodious, but far more emphatic, began to emanate from the interior of the diving bell. And before Eszterhazy, who had started to stoop toward the fallen dial hand, could reach the hatchcover, the hatchcover sprang open and out flew – there is really not a better verb – out flew the figure of a man of vigorous early middle age and without a stitch or thread to serve, as the French so delicately put it, pour cacher sa nudité . . .

“Yoiii!!!” shrieked Frow Puprikosch, releasing her grip upon the metal holders and covering her face with her bumbershoot.

“Good heavens, a woman!” exclaimed the gentleman who had just emerged from the diving bell. “Here, dash it, Pemberton Smith, give me that!” So saying, he whipped off the cloak which formed the habitual outer garment of the wizard anglais, and wrapped it around himself, somewhat in the manner of a Roman senator who has just risen to denounce a conspiracy. The proprieties thus taken care of, the newcomer, in some perplexity, it would seem, next asked, “Where on earth have you gotten us to, Pemberton Smith? – and why on earth are you rigged up like such a guy? Hair whitened, and I don’t know what else. Eh?”

Pemberton Smith, somewhat annoyed, said, “I have undergone no process of rigging, it is merely the natural attrition of the passage of thirty years, and tell me, then, how did you pass your time on the sidereal level – or, if you prefer, astral plane?”

“But I don’t prefer,” the man said, briskly. “I know nothing about it. I’d come up from the Observatory – damned silly notion putting an observatory in Wales, skies obscured three hundred nights a year with soppy Celtic mists, all the pubs closed on Sundays – and, happening to drop in on the Royal Society, I allowed myself to act as subject for your experiment. One moment I was there, the next moment I was there—” He gestured toward the diving bell. Then something evidently struck his mind. “‘Thirty years,’ you say? Good heavens!” An expression of the utmost glee came across his face. “Then Flora must be dead by now, skinny old bitch, and, if she isn’t, so much the worse for her, who is this lovely lady here?”

The lady herself, displacing her parasol and coming toward him in full-blown majesty, said, in heavily accented but still melodious English, “Is here the Madame Puprikosch, but you may to calling me Yózhinka. My affinity! My own true love! Produced for me by the genius of the wizard anglais! Yoi!” And she embraced him with both arms, a process which seemed by no means distasteful to the gentleman himself.

“If you don’t mind, Pigafetti Jones,” the wizard said, somewhat stiffly, “I will thank you for the return of my cloak. We will next discuss the utmost inconveniency which your disappearance from the chambers of the Royal Society has caused me throughout three decades.”

“All in good time, Pemberton Smith,” said the former Astronomer-Royal of Wales, running his hands up and down the ample back of Frow Puprikosch—or, as she preferred to be called by him, Yózhinka. “All in good time . . . I say, Yózhinka, don’t you find that corset most constrictive? I should. In fact, I do. Do let us go somewhere where we can take it off, and afterward I shall explain to you the supernal glories of the evening skies – beginning, of course, with Venus.”

To which the lady, as they made their way toward the door together, replied merely (but expressively), “Yoi . . .!”

Standing in the doorway was a very tall, very thin, very, very dignified elderly gentleman in cutaway, striped trousers, silk hat – a silk hat which he raised, although somewhat stiffly, as the semi-former Frow Puprikosch went past him. He then turned, and regarding the wizard anglais with a marked measure of reproof, said, “Well, George.”

“Good Heavens. Augustus. Is it really you?”

“It is really me, George. Well, George. I suppose that you have received my letter.”

“I have received no letter.”

“I sent it you, care of Cook’s, Poona.”

“Haven’t been in Poona for years. Good gad. That must be why my damned remittances kept arriving so late. I must have forgotten to give them a change of address.”

Sir Augustus Smith frowned slightly and regarded his brother with some perplexity. “You haven’t been in Poona for years? Then what was all this nonsense of your calling yourself Vizier Sri Smith and trying to rouse the hill tribes with the rallying cry of ‘No votny’? Votnies were abolished, along with the tax on grout, the year after the Mutiny, surely you must know that.”

“I haven’t been in Injia for eleven years, I tell you. Not since the Presidency cut up so sticky that time over the affair of the rope trick (all done by the odyllic forces, I tell you). As for all the rest of it, haven’t the faintest idea. Call myself Vizier Sri Smith indeed, what do you take me for?”

Sir Augustus bowed his head and gently bit his lips. Then he looked up. “Well, well,” he said, at last. “This is probably another hugger-mugger on the part of the Junior Clarks, not the first time, you know, won’t be the last,” he sighed. “I tell you what it is, you know, George. They let anyone into Eton these days.”

“Good heavens!”

“Fact. Well. Hm. Mph.” He looked around the room with an abstracted air. “Ah, here it is, you see, now that I have seen with my own eyes that Pigafetti Jones is alive and playing all sorts of fun and games as I daresay he has been doing all these years, ahum, see no reason why you shouldn’t come home, you know, if you like.”

“Augustus! Do you mean it?”

“Certainly.”

The younger Smith reached into the clothes press and removed therefrom a tightly packed traveling bag of ancient vintage. “I am quite ready, then, Augustus,” he said.

There was a clatter of feet on the stairs in the corridors beyond, the feeble voice of the hall-porter raised in vain, and into the room there burst Kummelman Swartbloi, who proceeded first to fall at the younger Smith’s feet and next to kiss them. “My wife!” he cried. “My wife has just had twin boys! Bella is guaranteed another generation of Brothers Swartbloi (Snuff-Tobacco)! Thank you, thank you, thank you!” And he turned and galloped away, murmuring that he would have stayed longer but that it was essential for him to be at the mill in a quarter of an hour in order to grind the Rappee.

“Do twins come up often in the chap’s family?” asked Sir Augustus.

“I’m afraid that nothing much comes up often in his family at all, any more. I merely advised him to change his butcher and I may have happened to suggest the well-known firm of Schlockhocker, in the Ox Market. Old Schlockhocker has six sons, all twins, of whom the youngest, Pishto and Knishto, act as delivery boys on alternate days. Wonderful thing, change of diet . . . that, and, of course, the odyllic forces.”

Sir Augustus paused in the act of raising his hat to his head. “I should hope, George,” he said, “that you may not have been the means of introducing any spurious offspring into this other tradesman’s family.”

His brother said that he didn’t know about that. Fellow and his wife were first cousins, after all. Sir Augustus nodded, again lifted his hat, and this time gestured to the multitudinous items upon the heavy old sideboard. “Do you not desire to remove your philosophical equipment?” he asked.

Smith the younger considered. He looked at his own hat, the velvet cap of curious cut with the curious silvern medallion on it. He took it in both hands and approached Doctor Eszterhazy. Doctor Eszterhazy bowed. George William Marmaduke Pemberton Smith placed the cap upon the head of Engelbert Eszterhazy (Doctor of Medicine, Doctor of Jurisprudence, Doctor of Science, Doctor of Literature, etc., etc.). “You are now and henceforth,” the Englishman said, “the Wizard of the Triune Monarchy, and may regard yourself as seized of the entire equipage of the odyllic force, or, rather, forces. Sorry I can’t stay, but there you are.”

The brothers left the room arm in arm, Sir Augustus inquiring, “Who was that odd-looking chap, George?” and his junior replying, “Phrenologist fellow. Can’t recollect his name. Does one still get good mutton at Simpson’s?”

“One gets very good mutton, still, at Simpson’s.”

“Haven’t had good mutton since . . .” Voices and footsteps alike died away.

Doctor Eszterhazy looked at the equipage of the odyllic forces, and he slowly rubbed his hands together and smiled.