Praying Drunk

THE QUESTION OF WHERE WE BEGIN

WE BEGIN WITH THE TROUBLE, but where does the trouble begin? My uncle takes a pistol and blows his brains out.

Now we may proceed to the aftermath. The removal of the body from his bedroom. The cleanup. The reading of the will. The funeral in West Palm Beach, Florida. The woman he wanted to marry, taking the ring he gave her and putting it on her finger after the death.

But this beginning is not satisfactory. The mourners are now parsing their theories of why. Did you know that he was brain-damaged when that city dump truck hit him twenty years ago? Look at his children grieving in the front pew of the funeral room. Why wouldn’t they visit him except when they wanted his settlement money? Had his settlement money run out? And where is his ex-wife? Why couldn’t she love him enough to stay with him (for better or for worse, right?)? Do you think it’s true he was physically violent with her like she told the judge?

Now we’re thinking the trouble doesn’t begin with the big event. It’s the grievance that led to the big event. Perhaps he wouldn’t have killed himself if his children had more demonstrably loved him. Perhaps he wouldn’t have killed himself if his wife hadn’t left him.

Perhaps his wife wouldn’t have left him if he had never been physically violent with her.

Perhaps he would never have been physically violent with her if his brain chemistry had not been altered by the city dump truck that hit him twenty years earlier. So perhaps we begin at his old house, in the morning, him buttoning his workshirt, smoothing the patch that bears his name on the pocket of his workshirt. Perhaps our story is about the workings of chance. What if he had stopped or not stopped this particular morning to get coffee? What if he had ordered two hash browns in the McDonald’s drive-thru instead of one hash brown, but had to wait a little longer for his order, since only one hash brown was ready, and the second hash brown was still in the fryer?

But this, chance, isn’t story. Chance doesn’t satisfy the itch story scratches, or not chance entirely. Story demands agency. But whose? My uncle was no dummy. Why was he a common laborer? Why didn’t he go to college?

Now we’re parsing family-of-origin stuff. His mother and father. My grandmother and grandfather. She was a lazyish homebody who wore a muumuu in her trailer every day of her life I knew her unless it was beauty shop day. He was a wellpoint foreman who spent his child-raising years as a raging alcoholic who yanked the curtains off the walls. She didn’t finish the eighth grade. He only finished the sixth. Maybe if she had thought school was important, my uncle might have gone to college, got a white-collar job, missed the dump truck. Maybe if he hadn’t made my uncle sleep in the bathtub almost every night, my uncle might have slept better, been more alert in school, been encouraged by some teacher to go to college, got a white collar job, missed the dump truck, married a different woman, had different children, earned until he was eighty.

What if his mother and father had never met and married at all? What if sperm and egg had never met? Or what if sex was not, as my grandmother once asserted, a nasty thing forced upon her in the night, but rather a thing of love and passion? Or what if something had been different in Owensboro, Kentucky, where they met in a roadhouse? What if the idea of love somehow transformed my grandfather into a man who could declare that for his seventeen-year-old bride and their children-to-be, he would never touch the bottle again? If we change a variable here and there, my uncle doesn’t lock the doors, lie down on his bed, stick the pistol in his mouth, and blow his brains out.

And if we can lay some causal blame upon my grandparents, what about their parents? Who was this Kentucky coal miner Billy Ray Charlton who kept making babies with women and then making babies with their sisters? What did it mean for my grandmother, the little girl she was, to sleep in winter on the floor of a drafty shack in the mountains near a clear-cut someplace? Who were the men her stepmother aunt brought home at night after her mother died?

Again we enter into the questions of chance and existence. What if a mine collapsed upon Billy Ray Charlton before he could make his way from the bed of one sister to the bed of another? What if he mistimed a subterranean dynamite fuse and blew himself to death? What if there was a weakness in the rope that was used to lower his cage from the surface of the mountain to the mine shaft below? What if the rope snapped, and he was crushed among the others in the bent metal, or run through by some sharp stalagmite? No Billy Ray Charlton, no Edna Jo Mason. No Edna Jo Mason, no uncle. No uncle, no suicide.

Thinking this way, we’re soon thrown upon the exigencies of history. What if that proto-Charlton had not got on the boat from England and sailed somewhere toward the southern colonies? What if somebody a generation or two later had not heeded the call west, not settled in some Appalachian hollow and made somebody who would make somebody who would make Billy Ray Charlton, who would settle even farther west, in Owensboro?

What if the winds had not cooperated in 1588, and the English had not won the Battle of the Spanish Armada? Would anyone in North America be speaking anything but Spanish at all? Would anyone in England?

And what if the Taino Indians had known enough to find a way to kill and silence the genocidal murderer Christopher Columbus in the year 1492? Would the continent have been overrun by Europeans?

And what if the Angles, Saxons, and Jutes had not imposed their barbaric Germanic languages upon the Celtic Britons at the point of a sword? And what if the Roman Empire had not grown fat and lazy and become overrun by Vandals? And what if, on some prehistoric plain somewhere, the people Homo sapiens sapiens had not triumphed over their Neanderthal neighbors?

And now our trouble — the inciting incident of the story of my uncle’s suicide — has moved past the historical and into the cosmological. It could be, as the ancient Finns say, that the world was formed from an egg that was broken. Or it could be, as goes the diver myth of the Iroquois, the earth was covered with muddy water at the beginning of time. When a Sky Woman fell from above, she was caught by water animals who made a home for her by diving into the seas to bring up mud, which they spread onto the back of Big Turtle, and this mud grew into the great landmass. For all I know, maybe the Incas were right when they spoke of an earth covered with darkness until the god Con Tiqui Viracocha emerged from the present-day Lake Titicaca to create the sun, the moon, and the stars, and to fashion human beings from rocks he flung toward every corner of the world, and he kept two of them, a man and a woman, by his side in the place they call the navel of the world.

But this of course is the story of my uncle, and if on his terms — a man who came of age in Florida in the 1960s — we’re talking origins, we’re talking either the Big Bang Theory, in which the universe began from some ultra-dense and ultra-hot state over thirteen billion years ago, which predated the fabric of space and time and has continued to expand outward ever since, or, more likely, we’re talking the literal rendering of the Book of Genesis he would have heard as a child in the Southern Baptist church: In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness. And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

By one way of thinking, we’ve entered into a cold intellectual exercise of technical cause-and-effect, which couldn’t be any more distant from the story of a flesh-and-blood man who wore a mustache his entire adult life, who never felt comfortable in a suit, whose smile was crooked after the accident, whose voice was believed by his nephews to be unsettling and weird. We’re laying blame and skipping all the important stuff, like how it seemed the last time we saw him that he was finally turning it around, that this woman he was with was a good thing. She was a jeweler. He had bought a house. Together they were buying a commercial building. You could see a future where she joined him on the cross-country road rallies he occasionally raced. In time you could see him becoming a man who didn’t complain about losing the love of his ex-wife and his children every two or three hours. You could foresee a big-screen television in the living room, a big black leather sofa, satellite channels, the premium package with the college football games from the western states and Formula One auto racing from Europe and Brazil. You could see that the ring he had bought her would soon enough be on her finger where he wanted it instead of in her purse where she could think about it. You could see her negotiating with herself over time, talking herself into marrying him. That was why they were so often coming to visit my parents’ house in the months before he died, no doubt about it. She was willing him a close-knit family so she could join it.

At the funeral, somebody said what always gets said, which is all things work together for good to them that love God, to them that are called according to His righteousness. And I wondered, if the story started there — because that’s the classic In the beginning scenario — what did that say about a God with agency sufficient to create everything and set it into motion, and apathy enough to let it proceed as an atrocity parade?

Or what does it say about me, the god of this telling, that I have to take it to these dark places? Because it is within my power to do what I now want to do, which is to start the story with the more pleasing trouble Henry James prescribed — the trouble of he and she, and how they met, and how he toured her jewelry shop, and how she showed him how to shape a ring, set a precious stone, finish a setting, display the thing under glass, move a delicate hand in the direction of the display case, match a ring to a finger, watch a man and woman walk away wearing the symbols of their love. And couldn’t I end it somewhere in the world of promise, he and she beside a lake somewhere, he opening the box, showing her the ring he had commissioned for her, he being sure to seek out the finest jewelry maker in town, knowing her discerning taste, and she saying she approved, the ring was lovely as the man is lovely, turning to him, kissing him, saying not today and not tomorrow, but there will come a day, I feel it, I believe it, something good is in our future?

YOU SHALL GO OUT WITH JOY AND BE LED FORTH WITH PEACE

I AM DEEPLY, DEEPLY AFRAID. Subtract seventeen years from my twenty-nine. I am twelve years old, standing beneath a starfruit tree, standing on an asphalt path lined with banyan trees, their roots extending from ground to sky to ground again and forming great pockets of wild, empty space in the center of their root-branches. Fifty feet behind me, the science laboratories where my chemistry teacher last week was too careless with sodium and set the ceiling tiles on fire. Fifty feet in front, the band room where the Sonshine Fellowship (Get it? Son, not sun! Like Jesus, the Son of God, the Light of the World who takes away our sins!) meets every Wednesday morning at 6:30 to pray and sing the happiest of songs all in major keys, except the songs borrowed from the Jews, which are in minor keys and which speed up as they go along and which, when played on acoustic guitars, are faintly reminiscent of sad country songs. And those happy songs make me happy, truly happy, for brief and ever briefer periods of time, but it’s those Jewish songs—You shall go out with joy and be led forth with peace. The mountains and the hills shall break forth before you. . — that really slay me, because there is something earned about that joy; it has come from a place of great pain.

The Jews, of course, are going to hell, but, as we students are constantly reminded, Jesus was a Jew, and the Jews are God’s chosen people, and in fact we must keep the Jews around — this is the real reason why the Holocaust was so awful, because it was the work of the devil to destroy God’s plan for the end of the world, which goes like this: Christ comes back in the clouds, this time on a white horse and bearing a sword, and bodily raptures all the dead in Him — a veritable zombie army — and the living Christians, too, the true ones (not, for instance, the Catholics, who follow a man, the pope; and not, for instance, the Episcopalians, who have placed a premium on the material needs of people rather than their spiritual needs — the Social Gospel, this is called — and so have slipped into heresy). The Christians, living and dead, taken bodily from the earth, leave a void of darkness. Remember, in the Book of Genesis, God promised to save the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah if Lot could find even one righteous man, but none could be found, so God rained fire upon the cities and they were destroyed. This, too, will be the fate of the earth, now that the righteous are gone. The Antichrist has already begun his seven-year reign. The clock is ticking. But — wait! — in that last hour 144,000 Jews finally accept Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior, many of them convinced and converted by two resurrected Jewish prophets. And then the Jews fight alongside the returning army of Christians at the battle of Armageddon, which takes place right in the heart of contemporary Palestine. God’s chosen people, old and new, are finally reunited, and live together in the new heaven and the new earth — in the very bosom of God — forever.

But that’s not why I am drawn to the Jews and their songs. It’s not that I don’t care about the rapture and Armageddon and the end of time. I am extremely anxious about it. For the last eight years — for as long, that is to say, as I have had memory — I have knelt in my bed, beside my window, at dusk, and watched the light show of sunset, looking for the crimson bloodstain in the sky that I’ve been told is a sign of His coming. I have memorized Scriptures—If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us of all unrighteousness—and I live in fear of unforgiveness, of eternal hellfire, so I am constantly confessing my sins, an ongoing litany, a conversation, perhaps one-sided, between me and God, that consists for the most part of me trying to recount every sinful action (that part is easy) and every sinful thought (that part is hard). To look upon a woman with lust in your heart, for example, is the same as having slept with her. I am twelve years old. I am hard pressed to find a woman upon whom I will be able to gaze without feeling a twinge of lust in my heart. Puberty has come slow — my classmates, staring at my tiny naked body in the shower after Physical Education class, have made it quite clear that I am deficient in this area of puberty-arrival. But not entirely deficient. Sixth-period history: I am sitting behind Jenny Glass. Her blonde hair down to her shoulders, the shape of her hips, the sound of her voice humming softly, soft enough that Mr. Sanders can’t hear, but loud enough that I can hear how fully rendered each of her notes, even at so soft a volume, such control. . and then I’m wondering what it would be like to be married to her, and would we share a bed? and what would that be like? and I don’t really know exactly what all that means — I mean, I know that there are parts, and that they fit, that kind of thing — but what I’m really thinking about is what it would be like to kiss Jenny Glass, to touch her hair as we kiss, feel it in the webbings of my fingers. . and my body responds to these thoughts in its new way, and I lean forward a little in the desk, to obscure whatever it is that is happening, but of course it is at this moment that Mr. Sanders has had his say about the Battle of the Spanish Armada and is ready for me to have mine. “Kyle?” he says, and I say, “1588,” and he says no, it’s not enough to just know the date. You have to trace the sea routes on the four-color pulldown map, which he is right this moment pulling down over the chalkboard. Come on up, is what he says. And, right then, I do something that I’ve seen other people do but have never myself done. I say no, I’m not coming to the board to trace the sea routes on the four-color pulldown map. He asks why, and I say I’m not particularly interested in sea routes, that in fact I prefer dates and that I’m tired of being made to do things that I do not want to do. Mr. Sanders says if I don’t walk directly to the blackboard and trace the sea routes that I will get a zero for the day’s participation grade and that I’ll be in grave danger of making him very angry. I consult my pants. My pants are saying no. Jenny Glass has turned around to look at me now, incredulous — the first opportunity, in fact, I’ve found to use that word, incredulous; I’ve been wanting to use it for a very long time, but now, employing it in my own mind, the word incredulous is nowhere near as sweet as I had thought it might be — and I briefly look at Jenny, trying to gauge her reaction to this turn of events, but I find that I am not able to look her in the eye. A slow, painful moment passes. Then, for the first time in my life, I deploy a coping skill that will soon become a lifelong crutch (and will also give those who wish for one a reason not to like me). I feign confidence. I say, “Mr. Sanders,” and he says, “Yes?” and I borrow a line from a television comedian: “I’ll take the zero.”

What has this to do with the Jews, their songs? You shall go out with joy and be led forth with peace, sure, but first you will undergo great hardship. This from the prophet Isaiah, a truly mystifying figure, the greatest of the Hebrew prophets, come onto the scene at a pivotal point in Israel’s history. Twenty years after Isaiah accepted his prophetic mantle, the Assyrians crushed the Northern Kingdom, and the better part of ten of the twelve tribes were taken into exile. (Twelve years old, and I know these things. They teach us these things at my school.) And not long after that, Jerusalem itself found the fearsome army of Sennacherib at its walls, and despite King Hezekiah’s recent embrace of what Isaiah had called a “covenant of death” with a political faction that wanted Israel to be more like the Egyptians who had once held their ancestors as slaves — worship their idols, sleep with their women — Yahweh (YHWH; He whose name cannot be uttered on pain of death) delivered the city, and Sennacherib could only brag like a loser. I shut Hezekiah up in his cage like a bird, reads the famous inscription; not Jerusalem is mine.

Like all the prophets, Isaiah was both trouble and troubled, his destiny sealed when the seraphim cleansed his lips with a burning coal; and then, no doubt blistered and in great pain, he said, “Here am I, send me!” And then he wrote great, painful, angry poems of warning: Your country is waste, your cities burnt with fire; Your land before your eyes strangers devour—and—the desert owl and hoot owl shall possess her, the screech owl and raven shall dwell in her—and—Take a harp, go about the city, O forgotten harlot; Pluck the strings skillfully, sing many songs, that they may remember you.

I am twelve years old, standing beneath the starfruit tree, on the asphalt path, both hiding from and waiting for my daily beating. I know it is coming, because this morning the other science teacher, Mr. Guy, showed the filmstrip from Answers in Genesis about the fossil record — the dinosaur tracks with the human footprints embedded in them; the fragments of the Cro-Magnon man shown to be a hoax in a side-by-side comparison with a baboon skull; satellite imagery of the petrified remains of a massive seagoing vessel found lodged in the side of Mt. Ararat, in contemporary Turkey, where the Ark of Noah was said to have come to rest — and after class my head is so full of possibilities — a trip, perhaps, to Muslim Turkey, undercover, perhaps smuggling Bibles. . perhaps even long hours under the sunlamp so I could pass for a Turk, following the example of the author of Black Like Me. . and a daring climb with a Sherpa guide who would be proud when I bestowed upon him the Anglicized name of Henry. . and a dig through snow and ice and earth to uncover, in person, what the satellites had already suggested: the Ark of Noah, proof beyond doubt, real archeological evidence of the worldwide flood that created the Grand Canyon, the Seven Continents, the washing-away of the Garden of Eden and, at last, rest for the angel who had been guarding it with his shining sword for all those many centuries. . and also refutation of all the theories, the lies, that modern science has been serving up to support its religion of secular humanism — the Ice Age, Plate Tectonics, maybe Evolution itself—. . my head so full of possibilities that I forget to go the long way to my math class, around the front of the gym that faces the administrative buildings, instead of the short way, around the back of the gym, near the locker rooms where Drew McKinnick and his boys lie in wait for me at this time every day. A careless, careless mistake that could have been so easily avoided, but I don’t give one thought to it until I pass the pale green locker room door and forget to notice if it is cracked open or not, and then — WHACK! — McKinnick makes a weapon of the wooden door. It hits my arm with a velocity I could not begin to measure, and sends my body hard to the concrete, and — I have good reflexes; I’m used to this sort of thing — I manage to twist at the last moment, to wrench my body around so I land front-first rather than flat on my back, and hands-first rather than head-first—bruise the hands, cut the hands; protect the head. A teacher — good, Mr. Sanders, a good man — comes running from behind, and McKinnick is standing in front of my body — I see him up there, scratching his head, feigning concern, and feigning it in a manner that makes very clear his utter lack of concern — and Mr. Sanders says — he yells, really—“Why did you have to go and do that?” and McKinnick says, “I had no idea he was standing there,” and Sanders says, “I doubt that sincerely,” and McKinnick says, “On my honor, sir. I feel as bad about it as he does.”

I know better. I know better than to say it. But I say, “No one feels as bad about it as I do.” McKinnick can’t help himself — it’s only a moment; the slightest moment; the slightest of slightest moments — he smiles, flashes those dog teeth. In those teeth I see real pleasure, and it’s not the first time, not by dozens. And then the smile is gone, and what’s back is feigned regret. Sanders has his number, but who is Sanders? What can Sanders do? Sanders is already on thin ice for wiping boogers on the blackboard — to make us laugh; to make us feel better about ourselves; compassionate boogers — and before that, Sanders was already suspect, because Sanders moonlights as the school nightwatchman, because they don’t pay him enough money, because he doesn’t have a wife or children so he gets less than the other teachers, and sometimes he watches reruns of Star Trek on a black-and-white television at midnight in the principal’s office, his feet up on the desk — he was caught once, and everyone knows — and another time he was caught falling asleep at two o’clock in the morning, and another time at five. They—They—say that Sanders jogs home at six-thirty every afternoon after coaching the junior varsity soccer team and sleeps until eleven-thirty, takes a quick shower, eats some Frosted Mini-Wheats, then humps it back to campus to nightwatch until dawn. That’s Sanders, and what’s Sanders next to McKinnick, whose father is the mayor of the village of Golfview, a veterinarian wealthier than God who paid for half the new football bleachers? And what’s Sanders next to McKinnick, varsity linebacker in the eighth grade, second-string already, a mean two-twenty, putting hits on twelfth-grade running backs that they’ll remember into their old age? McKinnick, who can crush a baseball, hit a three-hundred-fifty-foot shot to left-center. McKinnick, who could crush Sanders more ways than one.

The locker-room door cracks open. Jones, Dodd, Graves — McKinnick’s boys. Sanders sees them. He says, “You boys get on to class.” They pause for a minute. “Now,” Sanders says, and they go, and McKinnick starts on his way, too, but Sanders says, “No, you wait,” and I want to tell him. . I want to tell him that what he is doing is a very bad idea. That it’s a very bad idea for me. But I can’t tell him. I can’t say anything, because no matter what I say, it will make matters worse for me later. So I keep quiet. It’s very hard to keep quiet.

“So what you’re going to do right now, right at this very moment,” Sanders is saying, “is apologize to Mr. Minor here.”

McKinnick makes a sound in the back of his throat — the gathering of spit and phlegm — and then he turns his head and spits for distance in the direction of the hedges that line the sidewalk outside the gym and locker rooms. The spit lands a few feet from the hedges, and — I can’t help myself — I say, “Airball,” and then his eyes flash like they can, the way I imagine the eyes of killers must flash in the moment before they become killers — and, be advised, I believed, then and now, McKinnick, given the right circumstances, fully capable of killing a man, or a boy, especially a boy, with his bare hands.

He looks right at me and smiles, and this time I detect nothing but the utmost sincerity in that smile — and I know that the sincerity does not attach to the apology he is about to offer, but instead to the retribution, the beating, that will follow — and he says, “Minor, I’m truly sorry.”

And Sanders says, “Good, then. It’s settled. Now, both of you, off to class.”

I let him get a head start before I start walking. I know when we turn the corner, mean Mrs. Tatham, the grammarian, will be waiting outside her classroom door, watching, looking for an excuse to jump down some poor kid’s throat. God bless Mrs. Tatham.

McKinnick takes his head start. He rounds the corner, then I do, and he is ahead of me, passing Mrs. Tatham, but then he slows down. She is still watching, so he doesn’t touch me, but when I get within earshot he says — loud enough for me to hear, but soft enough that she can’t—“It’s not settled”—and though I knew, now I know.

I am twelve years old, standing beneath the starfruit tree, possessing this terrible knowledge. . and yet, and yet, above me are starfruit, a great many, and I have been picking them for all the years I have gone to this school, ever since I was four years old, and I know how to pick one that is sweet enough but not overripe, and not overly bitter, either. It is truly amazing to me that I am the only person I know, student or teacher, who picks from this tree.

The fruit are green or yellow or brown, their color a measure of their ripeness. I reach up and pick a yellow one, the five points of its star just starting to turn brown. This is how I like them. Just a little sweet, but still firm, not mushy. I bite into one of the points of the star and some juice runs down my face and down onto my hands and into the cuts and abrasions from where I caught myself on the concrete behind the pale green locker-room door after McKinnick hit me with it. There is citric acid in the juice, and when the acid touches the cuts and abrasions, it stings, and I make a fist involuntarily, and squeeze the starfruit I am holding, and squeeze more juice, more acid, into the wounds. You shall go out with joy and be led forth with peace is the song I am hearing in my head. The mountains and the hills shall break forth before you—all this from the naysayer, the prophet of doom who also wrote, Your country is waste, your cities burnt with fire; Your land before your eyes strangers devour—and the difference, you see, between Old Testament prophets like Isaiah and New Testament disciples is that the joy in these old Jewish writings always rises from the deepest of darkness, and there is no gloss on the darkness. No purpose for the darkness, except sometimes testing, sometimes judgment, sometimes spite, all this attributed often enough to God. No all things work together for good to them who love God, to them who are called according to His righteousness. No. All things do not work together for good. All things are in opposition, and the darkness more often overtakes the light than the light the darkness. The darkness is the darkness is the darkness.

And what would bring God joy? A final separation from sin. The destruction of the wicked. The destruction of the world.

And what would bring me joy? The destruction of Drew McKinnick.

I am twelve years old, standing beneath the starfruit tree, holding in my hand the most beautiful fruit any tree in the world has ever borne, and now softly humming the most beautiful, sad song I have ever heard—You shall go out with joy and be led forth with peace—and contemplating the destruction of Drew McKinnick.

There is the baseball bat. Maybe his baseball bat. I could carry it with me around the corner, make a show of showing it to Mrs. Tatham, talk a little shop about the relationship between baseball bats and grammar. And wait. And when McKinnick rounded the corner, I could draw back that baseball bat and swing it at his head and explode his skull. . no, watch it swell like a balloon, and then swing it again, and watch it pop, watch the splatter of gray matter and crimson blood stain the sidewalk, and then, in the moment before they wrestle me to the ground, kick that mouth with my black penny loafers, kick every last dog tooth from that mouth.

There is the baseball bat, but perhaps it is not practical. But then there is the gun. My grandpa has a loaded twelve-gauge shotgun mounted above his bed in his trailer. And a kid in my second-period study hall, Lee Paterson, has a book called The Anarchist’s Cookbook. He says it is easy to make napalm. I told him once I’d like to napalm Drew McKinnick, and Paterson said it would be easy, that his skin would melt off, that he had tried this himself on a Barbie doll, and it had been only too easy.

“But what about a bomb?” Paterson had said.

“A bomb?”

“Two or three. Five or ten. Ten or twenty. Plant them all around. Blow the whole school down.” He showed me a drawing he had made, a diagram of the school, and where the bombs would be placed. A few of them would go inside the air-conditioning units that lined the walls, because the component parts inside would become shrapnel and take out more people.

Paterson is small, smaller than me even, and I am the second smallest person in the whole secondary school. Some of the fourth and fifth graders are bigger than us. When he showed me the drawing, it scared me, first because I thought he might be serious, and second because I thought maybe I might be capable of doing it myself if I knew as much about chemistry and military strategy as he did. Looking at those diagrams, I thought I could maybe do it.

I am twelve years old, standing under the starfruit tree, eating a starfruit, thinking about blowing up the school, humming a song written by the Jewish prophet Isaiah, holding all these contradictions in my head and not knowing that they are contradictions, waiting for my beating; and then it arrives.

But not the way I think it will.

Because usually when McKinnick finds me to beat me, he brings Jones and Dodd and Graves with him. They make a circle, a loose circle at first, and they yell obscenities and push me from one of them to another and sometimes push me down and kick me and make me get back up so they can push me some more, but then the circle tightens and McKinnick slaps my ears, hard, with his open palm. First my ears ring, and then I lose most of my hearing and it doesn’t come back for a couple of hours, and when it does, it comes back with louder ringing and an awful headache. Then Jones and Dodd and Graves hold me and slap the top of my head and stick their spit-moistened fingers into my ears and nostrils while McKinnick stands over me and flicks the cartilage at the tiptops of my ears with his fingers until the cartilage turns purple, and he keeps asking if I’ve had enough, and when I say yes, he says, “No, you haven’t,” and when I say no, he says, “You need to get some humility, boy,” or, “Who do you think you’re talking to, boy,” or, “Say I’m a dirty nigger. Say it. Say it.” And then I say it—“I’m a dirty nigger”—or—“I’m a queer, I’m a homo”—or—“I fuck my mother”—or whatever other thing he wants me to say, but even then it doesn’t stop. Drew McKinnick knows how to hurt a person a hundred ways and more, and there is nothing in the world funnier, so far as I can tell, to Jones and Dodd and Graves than to hold my arms while McKinnick lifts up my shirt and grabs my nipples between his thumb and forefinger and tries to turn them one-hundred-and-eighty degrees (this he calls a One-Eighty), or to hold my arms and legs, to hold my whole body up in the air while McKinnick slaps at my testicles like he did my ears, with an open palm.

I’m waiting for that. I’m waiting for all that to happen.

But that’s not what happens. What happens is I hear my name—“Minor”—and I hear it behind me, from the direction of the band room, where the Sonshine Fellowship meets to pray and sing. I turn around. It’s McKinnick, and he’s alone. And the fact of this — his aloneness — is more terrifying to me than anything I have ever seen or heard or known or imagined in my entire life.

I am deeply, deeply afraid.

McKinnick starts running, takes off at a sprint, and I turn, too, and start to run. But I am very slow. I get five steps, maybe, and he tackles me from behind.

I fall face-first on the asphalt. I catch myself with my hands, and my right hand goes through the starfruit on its way down and rips fresh wounds into my hands, and those wounds are bathed in a tiny new pool of citric acid.

McKinnick is on top of me. He mounts me from behind, starts slapping my ears. “How’s that?” he says, and slaps and slaps and slaps and slaps, gets a rhythm going. He reaches into my pants and grabs hold of my underwear with his hand and jerks the cotton into my anus, and pulls, and pulls. I am already bleeding. I can feel the warmth.

McKinnick says, “How’s that? You like that? You feel it burn? Burn, baby, burn!” He pulls my underwear up and down and from side to side.

He says, “You know what? I could ass rape you right now and no one would know. And if they found out, it’s you would be the faggot, not me. You hear me, faggot? Are you listening?”

What does it feel like? It is the most helpless feeling in the world. No one will come for me. If I try to tell on him — as I have done in the past — no one will believe me. I am at his mercy, and I am not sure he has any.

All I can do is go someplace else, to that band room, to Wednesday mornings, 6:30 am, where I am singing — where we are singing — the words of the prophet Isaiah: You shall go out with joy and be led forth with peace. The mountains and the hills shall break forth before you. There will be shouts of joy, and all the trees of the fields will clap their hands, will clap their hands.

That, and this: I will grow up to become a person who will be able to make things like this not happen to other people. And I will tell this story. This story. I will make sure everyone knows.

And here I must interrupt the thoughts of my twelve-year-old self to tell you, reader, that I did not grow up to become a person who could keep things like this from happening to other people. And until this moment, this moment I am sharing with you, I did not grow up to tell this story. I tried, a few times, and less and less as years went by, to tell this story. But no friend ever wanted to hear this story. The past, they would say, is the past. Or: That was a long time ago. Get over it. Or: Nobody likes victim stories. And, most often, they would say nothing at all. They would just be very quiet — I could tell, always, from the looks on their faces, that I had made them very uncomfortable by sharing even the opening words of this confidence. I had revealed myself to be a very, very strange and disturbed individual.

I stopped trying to tell the story. I grew up, instead, to become a preacher. Briefly a preacher. Less than two years a preacher. And while I was a preacher I was befriended by a Palm Beach Gardens city worker, a meter reader named Tony Griffin, and it is important to know that Tony Griffin was black and that he was especially sensitive to racial issues, and that I was not — trained as I was, at this school, to not believe in any kind of legacy of racism in America, to believe that any talk of race was necessarily a crutch, an excuse used by black people unwilling to work hard, to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and all that. Tony and I had a falling out over this very issue. He was part of a small group of single people in their twenties and thirties who met at my house on Thursday nights to pray and read the Bible and play video games, mostly Madden Football ’99, on my Sony PlayStation. And Tony was sure that the people in the group — all of them white but him — had turned against him because he was black. I was convinced that this charge was completely unfounded, and conceded that possibly the others were growing impatient because they disliked his habit of interrupting the PlayStation games to put kung fu movies in the VCR. So we broke off our friendship, Tony and I, over race and video games and kung fu movies. And then I quit being a preacher, decided to be a writer, lived in my car for a while.

I kept a cell phone, though, and one afternoon two years later it rang — I was near Orlando — and I saw Tony Griffin on the caller ID, and I answered and was glad to hear his voice until he said, “I’m calling because I have leukemia.” And then I was making trips to West Palm Beach every couple of months to visit him in Hospice. And then we had another falling out. I didn’t know that leukemia was a disease of the immune system, and I had a cold, and I came to visit, and I coughed as I walked through the door, and Tony threw a cup of red jello at my head and said, “Motherfucker! You come in here with a cold!” I left the room as fast as I could and closed the door behind me, and I heard something else hit the door, and then: “I don’t ever want to see your ass again until I’m dead and you’re standing over my wooden box.” I honored his wishes for a year, and then his niece called and said, “Come quick, he’s got two days.”

I walked into the room. He lay on the bed. His family was gathered there, waiting. He asked them to leave the room. He said, “No one will be straight with me. Am I going to die?”

I said, “I don’t know.”

He said, “Bring me a mirror.”

I did, and he looked at himself for a long time, and then he said, “You ever see those pictures of the Ethiopian babies starving in the ditches?”

He bore a striking resemblance.

He said, “You see me, don’t you?”

I nodded. I couldn’t talk. What could I do? I crawled into the bed with him. He was naked beneath the hospital gown and he had shit himself and some of the shit got on my pants. I held him for a while, and then he said, “You were right about the kung fu movies.”

And I said, “No, I wasn’t. I wasn’t right about anything.”

This was death talk we were talking.

Then he said something extraordinary. He said, “I’m still praying for a miracle. I’m still believing for a miracle.”

I did not want to tell him so I didn’t tell him what I had learned, what life had taught me, which is there’s no such thing as miracles. God doesn’t probably answer our prayers.

After we said our goodbyes I left and knew he only had another day, probably, and it was not information I was equipped to handle. I hadn’t cried since I was thirteen years old and received the last of my beatings from McKinnick. I had hardened myself so I wouldn’t cry anymore, and then I couldn’t undo it when I needed to undo it. So there I was, driving in my Chevy Corsica down Interstate 95, a little bit of Tony’s shit still on my pants, just a little black stain, the little bit I couldn’t get off with the hospital bathroom’s hand soap and sink water. I was still trying to burn into memory what it was like to hold him and feel his flesh hanging like rags from the scaffolding of his bones, and to feel like if I held him too tightly I might break those bones and that it wouldn’t take much at all. Not being able to cry made it all so much worse. The tightness in my chest was almost unbearable and I needed to somehow loosen the tightness, and even though the air conditioner was making the car uncomfortably cold, I felt a terrible heat in my chest and neck, and the veins in both temples were throbbing so hard I thought the vessels might burst. I pulled the car off on the side of the interstate, near a Jupiter neighborhood called The Heights where an ex-girlfriend still lived with her parents, their house a hundred feet or so from where I was sitting. I wanted to see her. I got out and scaled the six-foot chain-link fence separating neighborhood from interstate. My pants snagged on the fence and ripped a little, and I walked to her house and rang the doorbell. She wasn’t there, but her mother answered the door and asked what was wrong and I told her that Tony was dying, and she said she was very sad and very sorry and wished she had time to talk about it but she had to be off to a birthday party.

And then I scaled that fence again, and ripped my pants some more, and that made me angry, ripping my pants. A state trooper a quarter mile away turned on his blue lights and raced toward me. I was standing beside the Chevy Corsica in ripped, shit-stained pants, my chest tighter, my neck hot, a shooting pain running down my left arm, watching the state trooper’s blue lights parading like fun-house ghosts against the front of my shirt.

The trooper opened his door and stepped out, and then he looked at me, and I looked at him, and I saw that he was Drew McKinnick. I could feel the beating of my heart through my body. I could all but hear the ringing in my ears, and those old, familiar words: “You need to get some humility, boy.” But then I could see that he wasn’t Drew McKinnick. He only bore a striking resemblance. The same cold intensity in his eyes, same square jaw, same dog teeth.

A couple of years earlier, a state trooper had pulled my brother over on a dark road — he was still in high school and wore his hair long — and yanked him out of the car by the arm and threw him over the trunk and threw him around a little, asked him if he knew what happens to people who hit cops.

My officer, when he got a closer look at me, puffed out his chest, straightened to his full height. He asked what I was doing climbing the fence by the interstate. He was almost grinning. What passed between us was not unfamiliar. It was a flash of mutual recognition, the thing that two individuals of certain types immediately know about each other. Minor and McKinnick. I felt very small.

I told him I was having a hard time and I had stopped to see a friend. I said I knew I should not have climbed the fence. I said I would be glad to get back in my car and be on my way. I asked if he’d let me. I said I was very sorry. I was ready for him to throw me around, knew he would.

He waited a long time. He did not ask for my driver’s license, and this troubled me. Whatever was going to happen between us was going to happen off the record. His nostrils flared when he breathed. He breathed hard. Each breath was like a calculated blow to the stomach. He put his hand on his holstered pistol. He looked into my eyes, measuring. I could not return his stare and shifted my focus to a fixed space beyond his shoulder, the white of the sky. “What happened to your pants?” he said, and I did not want to mention the fence. He seemed to find pleasure in my discomfort. He put his other hand on my shoulder and leaned over me so I had to look up again to meet his eyes. I told him I had ripped them on the fence. At that he grinned again, the predatory grin. His fingers dug into my shoulder. He said, “I don’t want to see you on the side of this interstate again. That’s a warning. I only give one. You understand?” I nodded. He sniffed the air, made a sour face. “Do yourself a favor and take a shower,” he said. He gave my shoulder one last squeeze, then a little shove as he let go and walked back toward his patrol car and got in and waited for me to drive away.

I stepped into my car and drove away, and he followed me all the way to the Indiantown Road exit, and then I exited and he kept going north. I pulled into a service station, and then I began to sob. Present or not, Drew McKinnick had undone what he had undone. I could feel him in the presence of the cop. His joy at intimidation. Somehow I had made it possible. My ears were ringing though they had not been slapped. Somehow I still carried McKinnick around inside me. I cried for a long time, and if I said that I was crying for Tony dying, that would be true, but it would also be a very, very small portion of the truth. Mostly, I was crying for the twelve-year-old boy standing beneath the starfruit tree on the asphalt path and waiting for his beating.

When I had cried all I could cry, I started the car again. I dug through my cassette tapes and found one that Tony had given me, as a joke. It was Parliament/Funkadelic’s Greatest Hits. We used to listen to that tape in the car all the time. I liked it more than he did.

I was listening to George Clinton go through the ministrations of “Atomic Dog”—Why must I feel like that, why must I chase the cat? — and then I was singing along, falsetto: Nothin’ but the dawg in me.

The cell phone rang, and I knew it must be my brother — he was in Nashville auditioning for a six-month touring gig playing bass guitar for a well-known country singer — and I didn’t even check the caller ID display. I answered and said, “Dr. Funkenstein here!”

And the voice on the other end was not my brother. It was Tony’s niece. She said, “Kyle?”

I said, “Oh, oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.”

“It’s Tony,” she said. “He’s dead. He died a few minutes ago. I knew you’d want to know.”

I didn’t want to know. If this, dear reader, was a story like the kind I’d like to write, maybe there would have been a miracle. Most likely, Tony would die, but something else miraculous would happen. There would be a turn toward beauty that would reflect the joy-from-sadness in the prophet Isaiah’s words, the comfort: You shall go out with joy and be led forth with peace.

But I can’t do it. Not this time. At the funeral, when the other men who had been Tony’s pastors gave their portion of the eulogy, their words were full of comfort and hope. They were able to assure his family that Tony was in a better place, that he was, in fact, in heaven, with Jesus and the angels, held close to the bosom of God. But when it was my turn, I had no comfort or hope left to give. All I could say was that I loved Tony, and that he loved me, and that he was a stubborn and intractable person, and that I was, too, and that I believed, truly, that Tony had found his greatest joy in watching kung fu movies. That was all I could say. And when I was done, I stepped down from the only pulpit from which I had ever preached a sermon, and I walked past the altar, and down the steps, and down the aisle, and through the back doors of the church, and I have not been back since.

THE TRUTH AND ALL ITS UGLY

1.

THE YEAR MY BOY DANNY TURNED SIX, my wife Penny and me took him down to Lexington and got him good and scanned because that’s what everybody was doing back then, and, like they say, better safe than sorry.

He was a good boy and never got out of hand until he was seventeen years old and we got out of hand together. Around this same time Penny kept saying she was going to leave and stay with her sister in town. She said it enough that we stopped believing her, but the last time she said it, she did it. I remember the day and the hour. Friday, September 17, 2024. Quarter after five in the afternoon, because that’s what time her grandmother’s grandfather clock stopped when I kicked it over.

Danny heard all the yelling, and he came running downstairs and saw her standing there with her two suitcases and looked at me like I ought to do something. “Goddamn it, I’m not going to stop her,” I said.

“It’s your fault she’s going,” he said.

Penny hauled off and slapped his mouth. “I didn’t raise you to talk to your father that way,” she said, and at that moment I was of two minds, one of them swelled up with pride at the way she didn’t let him mouth off to me.

It’s the other one that won out. I reached back and gave her what she had coming for a long time now. I didn’t knock her down, but I put one tooth through her lip, hit her just hard enough so she would come back to us when she was calmed down.

She didn’t come back, though, and she didn’t go stay with her sister, who claimed not even to know where she was. One week, two, then on a Saturday me and Danny had enough. We hauled Penny’s mother’s pink-painted upright piano out the front door and onto the porch and then we pushed it off and picked up our axes from by the wood pile and jumped down on it. “You got to be careful, Danny,” I said. “There’s a tension on those strings that’ll cut you up bad you hit them wrong.”

It was pure joy, watching him lift that axe and drive it into that piano. Up until then his head was always in books or that damn computer. Dead trees, I’d tell him, got not one thing on milkweed and sumac, horsemint and sweet William. But now I wasn’t so sure, and now he’d caught on. “It’s what you do with the dead trees,” he said, like he was reading my mind.

I don’t know what came over us after that, and it’s not enough to blame it on our getting into the whiskey, which we did plenty. Penny had a old collection of Precious Moments figurines handed down from her own mama and grandmom. Children at a picnic, or playing the accordion to a bunch of birds, or hands folded in prayer, and nearly every little boy or girl wearing a bonnet. At first Danny said we ought to shoot at them — we had everything from assault rifles to a old Civil War service revolver that I’d be afraid to try firing — but then one Tuesday morning — by now it was November, and the old dog pens were near snowed under — he found some of the yellowjackets I had caught in glass Mason jars and forgot about. He found them dead in there and I saw him looking at them and he saw me watching but didn’t say anything, just went upstairs and came down with my old orange tacklebox, which was where Penny kept her scrapbooking things.

“You gonna scrapbook those yellowjackets, buddy bear?” I said.

He said his plan was to shellac them. He couldn’t near do it right, and I said, “Here, let me show you how,” and showed him how to thin the shellac with turpentine and dab it on soft with the paintbrush bristles, which was something I knew from when things were better with Penny and I’d help her with her scrapbooks just so we could sit with our legs touching for a while.

He got good at it fast, and then we caught more yellowjackets and did what Danny had in mind all along, which was shellac them stiff, wings out like they were ready to fly, and set them on the Precious Moments figurines in a swarm.

After a while that stopped being fun, and it kind of took the shock away when every Precious Moment in the house was swarmed like that, plus we were running out of yellowjackets. “We got to get more minimal,” Danny said, and I could see what he meant. It’s like when I served my country in the African wars. You get to see enough dead bodies and after a while you get used to seeing them, and then you see another and it don’t mean one thing to you. But you run into one little live black girl with a open chicken-wire wound up and down her face and maybe three flies in her cut-up eye, that gets to you.

So after that, we got strategic. We’d put three yellowjackets right by a brown marbly eye, eye to eye. Or one, stinger first.

Nobody but us had got to see what we had done to the Precious Moments until a few days later when Benny Gil, our postman, came by with the junk mail, and Danny saw him and invited him in for a glass of water, and he saw what it was we were doing with the wasps, and he said, “Son, that’s sick,” but he was smiling when he said it, and it was then I knew he was a person who could be trusted. Up until then, he’d always been asking about my methadone, which I got regular from the pharmacy at St. Claire’s Hospital in town, on account of my back pain. He wanted to get some off me because he could trade it for other things he wanted.

This day I asked him, “Why is it nobody writes letters anymore?”

“It’s a general lack of literacy,” he said, and we started laughing because everybody knew that wasn’t why.

“It’s the government,” Danny said, but he was just repeating what he always heard me say, and I wished he wouldn’t get so serious in front of Benny Gil.

“They’re spying,” Benny Gil said, “listening in on us right now,” but he wasn’t serious.

“Best be careful,” I said, because now was a time to keep it light. “Benny Gil here is on the government teat.”

Benny Gil took a sip of his water and smiled some more. “That one,” he said, “and maybe a couple two or three others.”

Danny caught on. “It’s you we saw across the creek there, in the tall grass.”

“I been watching,” Benny Gil said. He leaned back in the wooden chair, put all his weight on the back two legs. I could see by the look on Danny’s face he was still thinking about how Penny would say not to lean back like that because it could put another divot in the wood floor, which was the kind of not important thing Penny was always worried about. There was a thousand or more divots in the wood floor, and by now another one just added a little extra character.

Benny Gil leaned forward again, put his elbows on his knees so his face was closer to mine. “I know where Penny can be found,” he said.

Danny’s ears perked up at that.

“She wants to be found,” I said, “and I don’t care to find her.”

“Irregardless,” Benny Gil said.

“Where is she?” Danny said, and I shot him a look.

“Maybe,” Benny Gil said, “me and your dad ought to go out back and have a smoke.”

Danny watched us through the window, and I wonder what it is he was thinking and wonder to this day whether whatever it was he thought had anything to do with what he did later. Surely he saw something changing hands between me and Benny Gil, and he must have seen us shaking hands, too.

What he didn’t hear was Benny Gil saying, “God didn’t invent thirteen-digit zip codes for nothing,” or me saying, “How many?” or him saying, “Sixteen,” or me talking him down to six. Six, I could spare, by careful rationing, and by grinding the white pills into white powder with my pocketknife, and snorting them instead of swallowing, which meant I could stretch out the supply until it was time for a new scrip.

Danny didn’t hear any of it, but maybe he knew something of it, because after Benny Gil left, he said, “You get to hurting again, I know somebody who can get you what you need.”

“Who?”

“Ben Holbrook,” he said.

“That’s the case,” I said, “I don’t want to hear of you talking to Ben Holbrook ever again.”

I meant it when I said it, but the problem was the methadone got better after I started grinding it up, and once I knew how much better it could get, I had a harder time rationing it, and ran out a week early.

Believe me when I say I know a thing or two about pain. I was wounded twice in Liberia, and got radiation poisoning from the Arabs in Yemen. Once in Minnesota I split a fourteen-point buck in half on a old fossil fuel motorcycle and broke nearly every bone in my body and knocked one eye crooked, and it stayed that way until I could afford to get it fixed. But, son, you don’t know pain until you get what I got, which is a repetitive stress injury in my back from solar panel installations up there on roofs in the heat or the cold. So when the methadone ran out, I forgot about what I said before, and told Danny maybe if he knew somebody he ought to give him a call.

Ben Holbrook was a skinny son of a gun, no more than maybe eighteen years old, pimple-faced, head shaved bald so you could see its lumps. Money was not a problem for us. Benny Gil wasn’t the only one on the government teat, he just had to work for his. Still, I didn’t like the way this bald zitty kid came into our house thinking he was the only one who could set prices in America.

“Who do you think you are,” I said, “Federal Reserve Chairman Dean Karlan?”

He was cool as a cucumber. “Supply and demand,” he said, “is the law of the land in Kentucky, U.S.A.”

Much as I didn’t like it, I knew he was right, and I paid what he asked, which was considerable, and he handed over three brown-orange plastic bottles, which was supply enough for my demand and then some.

Soon as Ben Holbrook left, I went into the bathroom with my pocketknife and dropped two tablets on the sink counter and chopped them to powder and made a line. Then I put my nose low to the Formica and closed off my right nostril with a finger and snorted the line through my left.

I must have left the door open a crack, because I saw Danny there, just outside, watching. He knew it was a thing I was doing, but I don’t think he ever saw me do it before.

I knew good and well that wasn’t the type of thing I wanted him to see. Any other time I would have thrown a shoe at him if I caught him spying like that. But when you take your medicine through your nose, it hits your bloodstream fast and hard. That’s why you take it that way. So my first thought was to throw a shoe, but before that first thought was even gone the juice hit my bloodstream, and there was my boy, his eyes looking at mine through the crack in the bathroom door, and if I ever loved him I loved him more in that now than in any ever, and right alongside that first thought was the second, which came out my mouth the same time it came into my head, even though I knew it was wrong as I thought it and said it. “Boy,” I said. “Come on in here and try a line.”

Some things you see like from outside yourself and from above, and that’s how I see what happened next. Right there, below, there’s big old me, and there’s my boy Danny, and I’m coming around behind him, putting my arms around him like I did when I showed him how to line up a cue stick at Jack’s Tavern or sink a putt at the Gooney Golf, and he’s got the open pocketknife in his hand, and I’ve got his hand in my hand, pushing down on it, showing him how to crush without wasting anything, how to corral the powder, how a good line is made. That’s me, leaning down, pantomiming to show him how. That’s him, fast learner, nose to the counter, finger to nostril. There’s the line, gone up like the rapture. Danny, standing up too fast because he don’t know any better, and the trickle of blood down his lip and chin, and me, tilting his head back, cradling it in the crook of my arm, putting the old Boy Scout press on his nose with a wad of toilet paper, saying, “Hold still now, baby boy,” and his eyes bright, and his cheeks flushed, and his voice like from a hundred miles away saying, “Lord, have mercy,” then, “Weird,” and us lying back, then, on the cold tile, his shoulder blades resting on my chest, both of us waiting for the hit to pass so we could take another.

The days and nights started going by fast after that, and sometimes there was no cause to tell one from the other. One morning or afternoon or midnight, for all I know, I went into my room and found Danny half-naked underneath the bed I shared for all those years with Penny, and when I asked him what he was doing under there, he said, “She’s been after us all this time,” and I said, “Who?” and he said, “Her,” and hauled out a stash of scented candles his mother must have left under there, cinnamon and jasmine and persimmon-lemon.

At first I thought he was talking crazy, but then he pulled himself out from under the bed and walked real close and put the purple jasmine one under his eye and struck a blue tip match and lit the wick, and soon as it started to burn his eye went all bloodshot and swelled up. Even still, I wanted to take up her case.

“How was she to know?” I said, but he was looking at me hard. “Turn around,” he said, “and look in that mirror.” And sure enough, my eye was tearing up and swelling and all the blood vessels were turning red.

“Benny Gil,” he said, “told you where she is.”

“That’s not strictly true,” I said, except it was.

“The general area, then,” he said.

“The general neck of the woods,” I said.

He went into me and Penny’s bathroom, then, and for some reason, even though we had being doing it together, I couldn’t go in there just then and do it with him. I could hear him, though, and then I heard a few more sounds I knew but hadn’t expected to hear, which were the sounds of him loading my old Browning 9mm, which I kept under the sink in case of emergencies. When I heard that, I got scared, because for a while now I had been feeling, like I said before, like things were getting out of hand, but now, him stepping out of the bathroom, hand around the grip of that nine, I had the kind of proof that makes it so you can’t look the other way anymore.

“Killing,” I said, “isn’t a kind of thing you can take back.”

“I don’t mean to kill her,” he said. “I just mean to scare her a little.”

That was more sensible talk than the talk I had been expecting from him, but still not altogether sensible. He was angry, I knew, after finding those candles, and I can’t say I wasn’t angry, either, but when you’re young and full of piss and vinegar, caution is not a thing you take to naturally, and, besides, neither one of us was going through life in any kind of measured way at that particular point.

“I’m not saying she don’t deserve a little scaring,” I said. “When the time comes you’ll see me front and center, taking the pleasure you and me both deserve after everything. But what I’m saying is that the time isn’t come. Not yet.”

“Look around,” Danny said, and all around us was eighteen kinds of mess, some we’d made, and some that had just kind of grown while we weren’t paying attention. “Sheila,” he said, which was the name of a dog we’d had once who had abandoned her young before it was time, and all five of them had died, and who I had taken out back and shot because there wasn’t one good thing about a dog who would go and do that.

“We’re grown,” I told him.

“Not me,” he said.

There wasn’t much I could say to that, because it was true, but I got him to hand over the Browning, and then he went upstairs and didn’t come down for the rest of the night, and I figured he’d be down when he got hungry enough.

I went into the kitchen and made some pancakes and made some extra and wrapped them in foil and put them in the refrigerator so he could have them later. Then I put some butter and maple syrup over mine and ate them and drank some milk and fell asleep in front of a old Wesley Snipes movie and figured when I woke up I’d see if he didn’t want to put on his boots and go out into the Daniel Boone National Forest and hike for a while and get cleared out the way the cold air will do you.

When I woke up, though, the car was gone, and the extension cord for the battery charger was running from the living room out the front door, and I followed it on out to the side of the house where we parked the car, which was sure enough gone, and with juice enough to go to Lexington and back probably. That’s when panic kicked in, and I ran back into the house, toward me and Penny’s bathroom, knowing the Browning was going to be gone, but hoping it wasn’t, and when I got there and didn’t find it where it should have been, I figured there wasn’t any way I was going to see Penny alive again, but I was wrong.

2.

It was Penny who found him. It took some time, but after a while the authorities pieced together what had happened. Around six in the evening, they said, must have been the time I fell asleep. When the house got quiet enough, Danny went out to the shed and brought in the long extension cord and ran it to the car battery. While it was charging he loaded up three assault rifles, including the Kalashnikov 3000, the one made to look like a AK-47 but with the guts of a MicroKal, laser gun and flamethrower and all. He took the Browning, too, and my bowie knife, and his old play camo war paint, and a cache of armor-piercing bullets, although he never did use any of it except the 9mm. Then he sat down and ate the pancakes I had made, and washed off the plate and knife and fork he had used to eat them, and left them out to air dry.

By time he got to Benny Gil’s house, he had worked himself up into something cold enough that Benny Gil didn’t argue, didn’t even need to be shown knife or gun to know it was in his best interest to give up Penny’s location and get Danny on his way. I don’t know what that means, exactly, except to say that Benny Gil is not a person I’ve ever known or heard of to be afraid of anyone or anything.

What Benny Gil told Danny was that Penny was staying with her sister’s husband’s nephew Kelly, a bookish boy we never knew well because he never came around to family things, probably because he, or more likely his mother, thought he was better than us, from what they call a more refined stock.

Kelly was, by then, well-to-do, UK law degree in hand, specialty in horse law. He even had a office at Keeneland and another at Churchill Downs, and if he thought as highly of himself as he seemed to every year on the television, sitting there next to some half-dead Derby owner who needed a oxygen tank just to breathe, sipping a mint julep, then I’m sure him and Penny made a fine pair.

There’s no way to know it now, but my guess is that Danny, when he heard of it, came to the same idea I did when I first heard of it, which was something not right was happening between Penny and that boy, but I put it out of my head at the time because it was too horrible a thing to look at directly.

At any rate, what happened next is the part of the story that got out into the world. Danny drove east on Interstate 64, stopped at the Sonicburger in Mt. Sterling and ordered and ate a egg sandwich, then headed toward the big expensive stone houses by the airport, where Penny and Kelly was shacked up.

When he got there, he rang the doorbell three times — that’s what Kelly’s security company came up with later — and nobody was home, and I guess he didn’t want to wait, and I guess he knew well enough what ended up being true, which was that there was something worse for a mother than to be killed by her son.

At the funeral, the preacher and everyone else said that wasn’t the case, that Danny was sick in the head and that these things happen in the brain, something trips or snaps or misfires, and then somebody is doing something they wouldn’t do if they were themself. But I think that’s the kind of thing people say when what they want to do is make themselves feel better instead of look straight ahead at the truth and all its ugly. Because what I think and pretty near to know happened goes like this:

When he got there, he rang that doorbell three times, and nobody was home, and he got to thinking, and what he was thinking about was clear enough to him, and what he was thinking was that he had come all this way to hurt his mother, and his stomach was full from that egg sandwich, and that Browning 9mm was in his hand, and what if instead of killing her and just hurting her that one time, what if instead he did himself right there where she would have to come home and find him, and wouldn’t that be something she would have to live with, and go on living and living and living? And wouldn’t that be the way to hurt her again and again, the way she had hurt him and us by running off?

So that’s what he did. He sat down in front of Kelly’s front door, and put the muzzle to his right temple, and turned his head so his left temple was to the door, and when Penny came home that night, what she found was the worst thing you can ever find, and when I heard about it, I couldn’t hate her the way I wanted to anymore.

At the funeral, they sat us both on the front row, but far apart from each other, with a bunch of her brothers and other male relatives between us so I would know clear as daylight that I was meant to stay away from her. But before the service got started, the preacher came over and asked if there were things each of us needed to say to the deceased, and we both said yes, but for me it wasn’t because I had anything to say to Danny. He was dead and gone and wherever it is he ended up, and that was hard enough to bear without making a show of telling him something he wasn’t ever going to hear. It was Penny I wanted to say some things to, and I thought maybe up there next to Danny she might in that moment have ears to hear them.

Her brothers didn’t leave the room when the preacher asked, but they did go stand in the back and give what they must have thought was a respectful distance. Me and Penny went and knelt beside the casket, her near his head and me near the middle, maybe three feet separating us. She bowed her head to pray silently, and I did, too, although I didn’t right then have any words to say, and then she said some things to Danny too personal for me to repeat, although I don’t think it would be wrong to say that the things she said, if they were true, moved me in a way I didn’t think I could be moved by her.

When she was done, she looked over at me. It seemed like she was able to keep from crying all that time until she looked into my eyes, and I was reminded that it was our looking into each other’s eyes that was happening while we were about the business of getting him made in the first place, and maybe that’s what she saw that finally broke her down when she looked over at me. Maybe that, and all the years we had together, the three of us, and how there wasn’t anyone else in the world who knew what those years were, and how there wouldn’t ever be anyone else again.

It was right then, though I didn’t say anything at the time because it didn’t seem like the right time, that I decided I couldn’t live in a world where Penny would go on being as unhappy as she had been made to be.

First thing the next morning I went down to Lexington again and went to the place where we had taken Danny to get scanned when he was six years old. It was gone, boarded up, the part of town where it had been now all but forgotten by people in business to make money. The only place in the storefront where the lights were still on was the WIC food stamp place, and I went inside and was told where to go on the Loop, to a part of town I remembered as Lexington Green but which was now called Stonewall.

The business had changed its name too, was now called Livelong, and occupied a building the size of a city block. The woman at the front desk said my number was A83, gave me a smartpad to fill in and told me to take a seat.

By time they called my name I had run my fingerprint and verified all my information and watched the screen that said the scan we had got was old technology, and while the guarantee we had bought was still good, the Danny we would get would eventually wear out, but would not age the way the ones they could make now could. We’d get him six years old, and six years old he would stay.

They made me meet with a kid in a suit and tie, and all he said was the same thing I had heard from the smartpad. He was looking at me funny, and I said, “All I want to get is the service I paid for eleven years ago, near to the day,” and he lowered his head for just a moment, like he was ashamed, and then he said, “You’re entitled to it, and we’ll give it to you if you want, but what you need to know is sometimes what you want isn’t the same as the thing we can give you.”

Even though he was a kid, what he was saying was true, and I knew it then, and it made me want to pound the sense out of him, and even so I wanted what I wanted.

I walked out of that Stonewall storefront that afternoon holding the warm flesh hand of a thing that moved and talked and looked for the life of me just like Danny did at six years old, and it was nearly unbearable, at first, to touch him or hear him say, “Now we’re going for ice cream, Daddy?” and to remember the bargain we had made with Danny the day we took him to get him scanned. You be good through this, we’d told him, we’ll take you to get whatever kind of ice cream you want.

So I said, “Sure, buddy bear,” and I took him up the road to the Baskin Robbins, and he ordered what Danny always ordered, which was Rocky Road with green and only green M&M’s sprinkled over top, and we got a high table for two, and I sat and watched him chew exactly the way he used to chew, and lick the spoon exactly the way he used to lick the spoon. He said, “Can we split a Coke, Dad?” and I said sure, and went up to the counter and ordered a large Coke, and when I forgot to get an extra straw, I regretted it the way I used to regret it, because he chewed the straw down to where you could hardly get any Coke out of it.

After that he wanted to go walk the old stone wall like we always did when we came to Lexington, so I took him down there and parked the car and got him out and hoisted him up on the wall, and held his hand to steady him as he walked on top of it, and he said, “Tell me about the slaves, Daddy,” so I did what I used to do and told him about how all the black people in Kentucky used to belong to the white people, and how this very wall he was walking on had been made by their hands, one stone at a time, and the mortar mixed with probably some of their sweat and maybe some of their blood, too, still in it, and how even with all that Kentucky fought for the Union and could well have been the difference in that war. While I was saying it, I was remembering how I used to believe things like that, and the feelings that used to rise up in my chest when I said them, feelings of pride and certainty, and warm feelings toward my people I had come from. These were stories my own dad and granddad used to tell me and which I was now passing along to my own son, and this little Danny, walking along that wall, holding my hand, said the same thing the other little Danny had said in a moment a whole lot like this one but which couldn’t have been, if you think about it, any more different if it was happening on the other side of the world. He said, “It wasn’t right, was it, for people to keep other people to do their work for them? How did anybody ever think it was right?”

And I said the same thing I said then, which was, “People don’t always do what’s right, son, but you and me get the privilege of making our own choices, and we have to make good choices. That’s what makes a person good, is the choices you make.”

Right then is when we went off the script. Could be that something was wrong with his making, or could be that I wasn’t leading him right, but right at that moment, he took a wrong step and fell. He didn’t fall off the wall altogether, but he caught his shoe on a stone that was sticking up at a bad angle, and when he fell, he caught his arm on another stone, and it cut deep into his skin, and when he tried to stand up, he pulled away and didn’t seem aware that his skin was caught on that rock. I guess they don’t build those things in such a way that they feel pain the same way you and me do, because as he stood up, the skin of his arm began to pull away from what was underneath, which wasn’t bone or sinew, but cold lightweight metal, what I now know they call the endoskeleton, and what began to drain from him warm wasn’t his own blood, but somebody else’s, and the reason it was in there wasn’t to keep him alive, but just to keep his skin warm and pink, just to make him look and feel like someone alive.

“Danny,” I said. He must have heard the alarm in my voice, and I could tell it scared him. He looked down and saw his metal arm, the skin hanging off it, and the blood pouring out in a way that wasn’t natural, and then he gave me a look that sank my soul, and I realized what I should have realized before I signed what I signed, which was that I had got them to make a boy out of something that wasn’t a boy. All that was in his head was all that was in Danny’s head a long time ago, back when Danny was himself someone different than who he became later, and it wasn’t his fault. He didn’t know what he was, and the sight of it was more than he could handle.

His lip began, then, to tremble, in the way Danny’s did when he needed comforting, and I lifted him down off that stone wall and took him in my arms and held him and comforted him, and then, in the car, I stretched the skin back to where it had been, and took Penny’s old emergency button-sewing kit out of the glove compartment and took needle and thread to it and got him to where none of the metal was showing. I didn’t take him to Penny’s like I had planned.

He was real quiet all the way home. He just stared straight ahead and didn’t look at his arm and didn’t look at me. Near Winchester I asked him if he wanted to hear some music, and he said all right, but we couldn’t find anything good on the radio. “How about the football game?” I said, and he said all right again, and we found the Tennessee Titans and the Dallas Cowboys, and I made a show of cheering for the Titans the way we always had, but when he said, “How come all their names are different?” I didn’t have a good answer, and after that I asked if he wouldn’t mind just a little quiet, and he said he wouldn’t mind, and I leaned back his seat and said, “Why don’t you just close your eyes and rest awhile? It’s been a long day and I bet you’re tired.”

He did. He closed his eyes then, and after some time had passed and I thought he was asleep, I stroked his hair with my free hand and made some kind of mothering sounds.

It was dark when we got to the house. I parked the car by the bedroom window, then went around to his side and picked him up like I was going to carry him sleeping to bed. I held him there in the dark for a little while and thought about that, carrying him up to bed, laying him there, laying his head on the pillow, pulling the covers up around his shoulders, tucking him in. It would have been the easiest thing to do, and it was the thing I wanted to do, but then I got to thinking about Penny, and sooner or later, I knew, she would have to be brought in on this, and even though I thought I had done it for her, I could see now that I had really done it for me, like maybe if I showed up with this little Danny she would come back home and the three of us could have another go of it.

But already this little Danny was wearing out. I could feel it in his skin. He wasn’t warm like he was when I had picked him up, I guess because the blood had run out of him on the stone wall. He was breathing, but he was cold, and a little too heavy compared to what I remembered. There wasn’t any future for him, either. I got to thinking about how if I put him in school, everyone would get bigger than him fast, and it would get worse every year, the distance between who he was and who his friends were becoming.

He was stirring a little, so I put his head on my shoulder, the way I used to do, and patted his back until his breathing told me he was asleep again. Then I went around to the front of the house and reached up to the porch and took down my axe from the wood pile and went off into the woods, down the path I had mowed with my riding mower a few weeks back, and which was already starting to come up enough that I had to watch my step.

I kept walking, him on my shoulder, axe in my free hand, until I reached the clearing. Then, careful not to wake him, I unbuttoned my jacket and got it out from under him and took it off and laid it on the ground. Then I laid him down on it and made sure he was still sleeping. Then I lifted up the axe and aimed it for the joint where his head met his neck and brought it down. In the split second right before blade struck skin, I saw his eyes open, and they were wide, and what I saw in them was not fear but instead some kind of wonder, and then, fast as it had come, it was gone, and all I could tell myself, over and over, was It’s not Danny. It’s not Danny.

GLOSSOLALIA

“ARE YOU INTERESTED IN ME BECAUSE I’m a girl or because I love Jesus?”

“I am interested in you because I like you.”

“But if I didn’t love Jesus, would you still be interested in me?”

“I would like to think that I would be interested in you no matter what.”

“But if I didn’t love Jesus, I don’t think I would be the same person.”

“If you didn’t love Jesus, I think in some ways you would be the same person.”

“But I wouldn’t see the world the same way, I wouldn’t read the same things, I wouldn’t make the same choices, I wouldn’t be around the same people.”

“But I think you would still like a lot of the same things. You would still be a ski instructor in the winter. You would still spend the summer here on the beach. You would still run. You would still bodysurf. You would still be physically very beautiful. You still would be a person who cares about other people, and you still, probably, would have taught me to bodyboard.”

“But I used to be a person who didn’t love Jesus. I used to make different choices. Like when I was a freshman in college, there was this older guy, and he used to come into my room and sleep in my bed and he knew how to do things with his hands and his mouth. He knew how to make me feel things.”

“You didn’t have sex with him even though you didn’t yet love Jesus.”

“I didn’t have sex with him because I had an idea of Jesus, but I didn’t yet really know Jesus. I thought I did, but I didn’t.”

“But you prayed to Jesus, didn’t you?”

“I did pray to Jesus, but not in tongues.”

“When did you start to pray in tongues?”

“When I was filled up with the Holy Spirit.”

“Is that when you stopped messing around with this guy?”

“No. It was later. There were other guys. In Madrid, this one guy took me to an R.E.M. concert.”

“Did it make you feel dirty to mess around with him?”

“No. It made me feel good. But I still felt empty inside.”

“How did you learn how to pray in tongues?”

“I prayed to be filled up with the Holy Spirit, and then I was given the gift.”

“Can you do it on command?”

“I can do it anytime, if that’s what you mean.”

“Can I hear you do it?”

“Would you like to pray with me?”

“Will you do it if I pray with you?”

“When I pray I do it. It comes naturally.”

“How do you know what it is you are saying if you are speaking a language you don’t know?”

“I don’t know what I am saying. It is my spirit that knows what I am saying. My spirit is communing directly with God’s spirit. I can’t explain it, but I can feel it, like this energy pulsing through me.”

“If I held your hand, could I feel the energy, too?”

“I feel like you are being glib.”

“I am not being glib. I just feel like this is something I don’t understand but I really do want to understand. I want to be a person who is open-minded to new experiences.”

“Take my hand. Here. Take my other hand. Let’s pray.”

•

“What did you think just now, when I was speaking in tongues?”

“I thought a lot of the sounds were repeated and there were a lot of consonant clusters. I heard maybe some sounds that sounded like German and some sounds that sounded like Hebrew or Arabic maybe. There were also a lot of sounds that you don’t make when you speak in English, like rolling your R’s and flattening out your O sounds.”

“That’s true. I have noticed those things, too.”

“Do you ever try to think about recording what you say when you say it? Like, maybe you could do some code-breaking and make a dictionary.”

“Again, I feel like maybe you are being glib.”

“Hear me out. I’m being serious. The idea is you are speaking a language that people don’t speak on earth, except people who speak the language of angels. So consequently, if you follow the logic, it’s a real language. So wouldn’t it have the things a real language has, like grammar and syntax and vocabulary? And if that’s so, couldn’t you study it just like you could study any other language?”

“That’s movie stuff. That’s like something starring Patricia Arquette.”

“Why not, though? There’s people who do this for a living. They go over to Papua New Guinea or wherever, and they spend time around a language, and then they reconstruct it, even though when they first get there they don’t know the first thing about it.”

“That’s missing the whole point.”

“Why?”

“Because if you knew the language, then the purity of the communication would be lost. You’d start crafting all the words instead of the spirit that indwells in you crafting the words.”

“But — and here I’m not being glib, I’m just trying to understand — don’t you want to know what it is you are speaking to Jesus or the angels or whatever?”

“You don’t pray to angels.”

“But it’s an angel language, right?”

“The idea is that you’re not in control. You’re giving yourself over to it.”

“Is that why you jerk your body to the left when you pray in tongues?”

“That’s a manifestation.”

“Why do you do it?”

“I don’t do it. It comes over me when I give myself over to the Spirit.”

“Does it happen to everyone who speaks in tongues?”

“Some people fall down like they are dead.”

“That’s slain in the Spirit.”

“Right. Some people fall into fits of laughter. Some people bark like dogs, but not too many people. I don’t want to judge, but I think sometimes when that happens a lot it can be for show. But I don’t know.”

“That’s something that worries me. It’s a little bit frightening, don’t you think, like on TV, when a lot of people are doing it all around, and there’s this ungodly cacophony?”

“That’s the fear of the Lord you’re feeling.”

“How can you be sure?”

“How can you be sure of anything? You know. I know. I know that I know that I know.”

“Here this stuff is at odds with logic, maybe, I think.”

“I think that’s a wrong way to think about it, but tell me what you’re thinking.”

“I took this philosophy class. Dr. Willard Reed. He was talking about the distinction between belief and knowledge. He said knowledge is problematic. You can’t really know stuff that isn’t somehow verifiable. Like you didn’t see it with your own eyes or experience it yourself or there hasn’t been some kind of consensus among the people who study the thing. And even then there’s problems. How do you know you aren’t fooling yourself? Or how do you know the consensus might not be wrong. Like the consensus used to be that the earth was flat. And on top of that, how do you know that the universe didn’t just begin two seconds ago. After a while, everything starts to be belief.”

“I don’t guess it matters much which is which, then, if it’s all so slippery.”

“I don’t guess it does.”

“But what kind of way is that to live? Walking around not being sure of anything. Everything tentative. No place for boldness. No place for meaning. Wouldn’t that just throw you into some kind of paralytic feedback loop or something? Wouldn’t you just be staring at your navel forever?”

“Not necessarily, but I don’t know. You just described a lot of the way I think a lot of the time.”

“That’s why you have to let go control. That’s what praying in the Spirit is. You’re letting go that control and giving yourself over to your creator. It’s an act of faith in the unseen. Although, I have to tell you, there are things I have seen.”

“What kinds of things?”

“Visions. Gold dust.”

“Gold dust?”

“There have been meetings where the Spirit of God has come down and the manifestation was gold dust that began to appear on everyone’s shoulders.”

“Manifestations, like the jerking to the left.”

“I’m not going to say anymore if you’re going to mock everything.”

“Honestly, I’m not mocking. I really want to know. Tell me about the visions.”

“Once I was praying in the Spirit, and I had a vision of a golden vessel.”

“Like a ship?”

“Like a vase or a container. It was on a cloth of purple silk. There was an angel there, and he was holding out his hands.”

“What did the vision mean?”

“For a long time I didn’t know what the vision meant. But then my friend who is a prophetess — quietly, quietly a prophetess, like, literally, hardly anybody knows. She said it was a message about being a vessel for the Spirit, and about a royal calling, but I had to give myself to it.”

“That’s why you write the magazine articles?”

“That’s why I’m writing the books. That’s why I’m traveling around so much. To speak into people’s hearts and lives.”

“But you like it, too. You’re good at it. You don’t want to work at a desk job.”

“That’s true. I don’t want to be chained to a desk. I was made this way for a reason.”

“Any other visions?”

“Yes.”

“Tell me.”

“Another time. Later.”

“All right. It’s a lot to risk, right? Telling me all these things?”

“It’s nothing to risk. I already have given myself over to all of it.”

“I can wait. I want to get to know you.”

“Would you hold me now?”

“Yes.”

“Don’t come over here inside my blanket. You stay inside your blanket and I’ll stay inside my blanket, and you can hold me that way, with the separate blankets.”

•

“Do you like it here?”

“I’m uncomfortable here.”

“Why?”

“I don’t like the cold, and I don’t like all the soldiers in their uniforms, and I don’t like all the military songs. I think I might be a pacifist.”

“But these are the men and women who give their lives to keep us free.”

“I like watching the football game, and I don’t mind cheering for Air Force, but I am uncomfortable with the whole martial atmosphere. It seems to me to have a lot to do with death and killing.”

“But sacrificial death and killing, don’t you think? Not death or killing that anyone wants to do.”

“I don’t know if that’s true. That’s what basic training is for, I think. To break down the part of a person’s conscience where they have this inhibition against killing, so they can want to kill, so they can kill at will, to save their lives or save their buddy or fulfill their mission.”

“I think that’s a selfish way to think about it. Because it’s because of these guys and gals here that you have the freedom to say something like that.”

“I can’t deny it. I know that’s true. That complicates the way I feel about it.”

“You are shivering. Here, let’s combine our blankets.”

“Can we put them under our legs, too, because these bleachers are so cold.”

“You know, if you moved out here with me, I wonder if you could take the cold all winter, if this is what it does to you.”

“Are you really here for good? I mean, you were in Florida, and now you’re here, and you’ve been back and forth. But maybe you would just end up back in Florida.”

“I don’t want to be anchored anyplace. I want to be free to move around. But I like cold places. I wouldn’t mind moving to Alaska. My aunt has a hotel in Alaska. I like the idea of spending some time there with her, helping her run it for a while.”

“What if you — even we — had children? Wouldn’t you want to stay put for a while, for the sake of stability?”

“I don’t want to have children, ever. I mean, I love children. I think I would be an okay mother. But the things I’m meant to do with my life would, I think, make it very difficult to have children.”

“I didn’t know this about you, that you wouldn’t want children. It surprises me.”

“This is why it’s good, I think, you came out here. We need to sort these things out. We need to find out if we love each other.”

“I feel like you’re holding some things back.”

“That’s true, but here we are, and I want to watch this football game since I paid forty bucks each for the tickets.”

•

“Is it okay with you if I put my hand on your knee while I drive?”

“Yes. I’m very happy that you put your hand on my knee.”

“It’s interesting, you know. Whenever I relate to you in a physical way, you respond very positively. But whenever I relate to you in a spiritual way, it gets complicated, and I don’t know how to read you, exactly.”

“I feel like in some ways they are different issues.”

“I don’t think they are in any way separable.”

“I feel like the physical expressions of love are very important and they mean something.”

“I don’t disagree. That’s why I won’t let you kiss me.”

“But it’s strange. You will let me do other things that seem to me to be more intimate than kissing is.”

“I feel like if you and me were kissing, I would be giving myself over to you in a way that I’m not ready to do.”

“Why is that?”

“Because I think that spiritually we are in very different places. I think you’re open to spiritual things, but I don’t think that you are really very far along. And I can’t tell if you are open to them because you really desire them or if you are just open to them because you want to be closer to me.”

“That’s a fair question to raise. I don’t know, either, sometimes. There’s a lot of things going on very quickly, and it can be confusing to me.”

“Also, I don’t know if I love you.”

“Do you think love is some kind of lightning flash? Like it strikes you and then the reverberations just ring out forever?”

“That’s how love is with God, I think. And I think that’s one thing you haven’t really entered into the fullness of.”

“I think that maybe love is a choice that people make.”

“That’s not very romantic.”

“I don’t know what good romance is, sometimes. I mean, it’s good to be romantic, and it’s good to have feelings. But I’ve had feelings for people before, and they’ve had feelings for me, but what was lacking, I think, was a choice to make a life together. A commitment.”

“It’s very scary to me to hear you speak that way. Because it seems very mechanical to me. It seems in keeping with many of the things that seem cold about you, to me. Everything seems so reasoned, so calculated. It makes me think that everything about the way you approach me must be some kind of calculation.”

“If that were true, though, wouldn’t I just tell you everything you wanted to hear all the time? It seems to me evidence of good faith that we have these kinds of conversations all the time, and that we have these, for lack of a better word, arguments, or disagreements.”

“I don’t enjoy arguing or disagreeing.”

“Me either.”

“I’m just going to keep my hand on your leg here, except when I have to shift gears, until we get up to the top of the mountain, okay? I just want to enjoy the ride and enjoy you and enjoy this kind of closeness while we look at the mountains and enjoy the creation and all its wonder. It’s not a slight to you. It’s just something I need right now, if it’s all right with you. But I want to keep my hand on your leg, okay?”

“Of course. I love that you have your hand on my leg. It is really nice.”

•

“That right there is called Witch’s Titty.”

“Why?”

“Because look at it. It looks like a Witch’s Titty.”

“Yeah. I guess it does.”

“You know what I think whenever I pass this place?”

“Tell me.”

“There was this dance in high school, and there was this boy, let’s call him Bob, he asked me to this dance. He was a senior and I was a freshman. I got all dressed up and he got me a corsage. When you go with a senior and you’re a freshman, it’s exciting, you know, because he picked you. You’re the one he picked, and he passed over older girls to pick you. And before I left, my dad told him he could keep me out until midnight but no later. And he kissed me on the cheek, my dad, and he said I love you and we trust you, me and your mother. So we went to this dance, and it was all right. There was music, there was food, there was dancing. And afterward, I wanted this guy, Bob, to kiss me. It was something I really wanted. I had built it up big time in my mind. He drove me out to this park I’m going to take you to later, out by the ski lifts. It was the place where all the kids went to sit in their cars and make out. We had to drive past Witch’s Titty to get there. And I knew that was why we were going to this park, and it was okay with me. But when we got there, this guy, Bob, he started acting really nervous. He was staring straight ahead and he started sweating at his forehead. I felt sorry for him because I could tell he was very nervous. Then he said, like he was apologizing, ‘This is just something I really have to do.’ And he leaned toward me and I thought he was going to kiss me. But then he put his hands up my dress. I wanted to say no to him but I was so surprised I guess my voice caught in my throat. And then I put my hand down there to push his hand away and he grabbed my wrist and held it so hard it bruised a ring around my wrist where he was holding it. Then he put his hand in my panties and he stuck his finger up inside me and poked around. It didn’t hurt. It didn’t feel good, either, but it didn’t hurt. Then he just held his finger in there like that for a while and moved it around. Then he drove me home.”

“What did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything. I went inside and went to bed and stared at the ceiling for a long time. It wasn’t until a lot later that I cried.”

“So nothing happened to him?”

“He’s still around. We became friends again later. I forgave him.”

“I don’t forgive him.”

“You don’t have to. But that’s something you’ll have to work on. Unforgiveness. Like the things you sometimes say about your mother.”

“I just feel protective of you. I don’t like it that for him there were no consequences.”

“You carry the consequences around inside yourself, don’t you?”

“Me or him?”

“Something about you reminds me of him sometimes.”

“That makes me feel terrible that you would say that.”

“I just think there’s things you should know about me if we are really going to think about being together.”

“Is that what we’re doing?”

“It’s just something I thought of because we were driving by Witch’s Titty. That’s all.”

•

“When a long time passes like this and you’re so quiet, I wonder what you’re thinking.”

“Do you think you have the right to know what I’m thinking?”

“I had a girlfriend in college one time who used to say things like that. She used to say, ‘You know what I like about my thoughts? They’re mine. I don’t have to share them with you.’”

“Did she say that after you were prying at her to give up her thoughts?”

“Usually, yes.”

“All right. What do you want to know?”

“So many things.”

“You choose one thing. Any one thing. I’ll tell you.”

“One thing. Okay, the visions. You told me one time you would tell me more about the visions.”

“You see this here?”

“What? The road? The mountains? The sky?”

“The motion, through space. Through time, too. Once I was driving this road, and I had a vision of motion through space and through time.”

“While you were driving?”

“I saw all of creation as though it were a liquid, and we were swimming through it. Me, and all the creatures, land creatures and water creatures, too. The water was a deep blue, sparkling, but also translucent. You could see through it. And the rock faces were shimmering like precious jewels.”

“Was this a distraction while you were driving?”

“It was almost as if I were no longer driving anymore. I had given up control and although in the physical world my hands were on the wheel, and even though in the vision I was moving through a space not unlike the one we are moving through right now, and even though I had given up control, and even though there was that drop-off there just out your window, a couple thousand feet, maybe, I wasn’t afraid. What I was mostly was in awe.”

“Was it like you imagined seeing these things, or was it like you actually were moving through these things.”

“It was physically real. I could even smell the perfume of it.”

“What did it smell like?”

“There was a sweetness to it. There was a honey and almond quality to it.”

“Was the car moving through it, too?”

“The car went away. It was just my body being carried forward on the current of it.”

“Sometimes when you talk about these things, I want to believe you, and I want to understand, because I do believe you, but it is very hard to believe you, and it is very hard to try to know how to understand.”

“Because you aren’t yet seeing with the eyes of the Spirit.”

“Because I haven’t had experiences like this, and I’ve never known anyone else who has. There is a certain light that gets in your eyes when you talk about them, and it is a little bit frightening to me.”

“That’s something you have to let go of.”

“Maybe so, but I don’t know how.”

“You do it by doing it.”

“That’s easy to say, but if it were easy to do, wouldn’t many other people do it? If nothing else, to speak the tongues of angels and harvest the gold dust and sell it at market rate?”

“When you speak of it that way, it makes me angry.”

“I don’t mean to make you angry, and I am not making fun. I like you and possibly want to love you. I’m just trying to look at what you’re saying from all different directions and turn it over in my mind that way.”

“That’s not letting go. That’s holding onto control.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Maybe it would be better not to say anything else for a while.”

“Okay. All right. Okay.”

•

“Rise and shine.”

“I’m so tired.”

“It’s morning.”

“It’s dark.”

“The idea is to hit the slopes early.”

“Really, I’m wiped. I’m sorry.”

“I’m turning on the light.”

“Please don’t. Really. I don’t know if it’s the altitude or the nonstop going or just maybe general emotional exhaustion. I’m not trying to bail out on you. I’m still willing to ski. But my body doesn’t want to get up so early right now, and I feel like I should listen to it so I don’t get sick.”

“It smells like sickness in here. Your breath has a sinus quality to it.”

“That’s what I’m talking about.”

“The only way out is through. Please, get up. Let’s ski.”

“You know people there. Why don’t you go on without me, and let me catch up with you this afternoon.”

“Really?”

“Please understand.”

“Really? This is really the choice you are making?”

“Please?”

•

“There are many ways in which I feel more like your mother than like a person with whom you might be falling in love.”

“This is because I didn’t go skiing this morning.”

“It’s so many things. You are, I have come to believe, a fundamentally passive person.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like it was me who drove all the way here from Colorado Springs.”

“I can’t drive a stick shift.”

“I offered to teach you.”

“Don’t you think it would be horrible to try to learn while driving up the steepest mountains in the whole country?”

“Those are in Alaska.”

“Those drop-offs, though.”

“But that’s a spirit of fear.”

“That’s a spirit of safety. I want to be safe. I want you to be safe. I don’t mind learning to drive a stick, but I want to learn in a parking lot.”

“I have to ask you to clean up after I make dinner, or to do the dishes.”

“We’re staying in all these houses where friends of yours are out of town for the winter. I don’t know what I should and shouldn’t be touching or when it is an imposition to take the initiative. It’s a situation where I feel like you’re in the driver’s seat and I’m mostly taking my cues from you.”

“I’m thinking about gender roles here. It seems to me like the man should be taking the leadership roles in a relationship. But you are always taking your cues from me. I am the de facto leader, even though I am a woman.”

“There have been many instances where I have tried to take the lead, but you have made it clear that you don’t like the choice I make.”

“That’s what I mean by passive. You just concede the high ground to me.”

“I don’t think you would respond well to being strong-armed.”

“With love you have to do it. With love.”

“To me the more loving thing would be more of a give and take. More of a partnering kind of thing.”

“I feel like because you are so passive that one day the anger is going to come spilling out. I feel like you don’t tell me when you are really angry.”

“I have only one time been angry, but I knew it wasn’t right to be angry, so I didn’t say anything about it to you.”

“When?”

“When you were still living in Florida and you went to visit that guy in North Carolina and you rode on the back of his motorcycle and you called me and told me what a good time you were having there on the back of his motorcycle.”

“That’s true. That was fun. Really, truly fun. I loved visiting him, and I loved going for a ride on his motorcycle.”

“That made me angry, but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t feel like I had the right to say anything because I don’t own you, we aren’t committed, you have the right to make your own choices.”

“So why get angry?”

“Because I wanted you to be having fun with me and not that guy on that motorcycle.”

“You don’t own a motorcycle.”

“I don’t even like motorcycles. People I knew kept getting killed on motorcycles.”

“So you were worried about me getting killed?”

“No, I was mostly worried about you having fun. And one other thing.”

“What?”

“I know some women who had orgasms from riding motorcycles. I had a picture of you with your arms around his waist, riding those mountain roads, holding onto him, having an orgasm.”

“So you weren’t concerned about whether I was going to get killed?”

“Did you have an orgasm?”

“Of all of the questions you should never have asked, this is the number one question you never should have asked.”

•

“Your flight leaves in six hours, so I think we ought to leave in three. That gives us an hour to get to the airport and an hour for security and baggage and another hour cushion in case we hit bad traffic.”

“Let me finish packing my things and then do you want to have dinner together before I leave?”

“You can have dinner at the airport, and it’s too early anyway, don’t you think? I don’t think I’ll be hungry until much later.”

“The reason I was thinking dinner was I have a feeling that after today we may not keep seeing each other anymore.”

“I haven’t decided about that yet.”

“If that is what happens, I want to spend one last nice time with you and let you know that I cared about you and that I care about you.”

“That’s something I want, too. I’m going into the bedroom and lie down while you finish packing. I’m tired, and I know you’re tired. When you’re done packing, why don’t you come into the bedroom and lie down and rest?”

•

“I love holding you.”

“Shh.”

“I mean it. This is something I will take with me when I leave.”

“Shh.”

•

“The reason I can’t let you kiss me is the same reason as always. Even though right now I want you to kiss me. Do you understand?”

“I don’t understand.”

“I want you to understand. I don’t want you to be hurt.”

“I will be hurt, but let’s not talk about it right now and interrupt what is nice.”

“Will you do one thing for me? When we get to the airport?”

“Yes?”

“When you go through the gate, and you want to turn around and look at me, don’t look back.”

“I know what it means, for you to say that to me now.”

“Shh. Put your face against mine. Touch your face to mine.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Don’t say anything. Just put your face against my face.”

“Language fails.”

“Just close your eyes and let go for a while. Let’s be together. Let’s be.”

“But what does it mean?”

“You don’t have to understand what it means. I don’t understand what it means. It’s not less beautiful if you don’t understand it.”

“I want it to mean when we get to the gate I’m going to turn around and take one last look at you.”

“Shh.”

“So I can remember you until the next time I see you.”

“Shh.”

“I love the way it feels, being so close to you.”

“No more words.”

SEVEN STORIES ABOUT SEBASTIAN OF KOULÈV–VILLE

1. The First Day I Met Sebastian

THE CHILDREN AT THE ORPHANAGE SAID Sebastian is a liar.

The man at the tree place said Sebastian is the best translator in Ouest Province. No French in his English.

The missionaries said, Sebastian is bad news. When he was a child he was always breaking things. You should see the two ladies who raised him. They’re both hunched over. He wore them out.

The Canadian dentist recommended Sebastian. He said one day he was up in the mountains doing field dentistry, and this husband and wife came in with vampire teeth. Triangles that came to points. They said their teeth hurt, and Sebastian said, “Don’t fix the vampire teeth. Just do the fillings.” But the dentist didn’t listen. He restored the man’s teeth and the woman’s teeth to happy squares. He showed them in the mirror. He thought they’d be so happy. But the woman yelled and the man cried. Sebastian listened and did his translating. Sebastian said, “Get out the file. They want the vampire teeth back. There’s a thing they do.” The man pulled the neck of his shirt to his shoulder. There were hundreds of little scars, some of them fresh.

I paid Sebastian seventy dollars a day. The other translators got fifty, but he said he had a thing for sevens. He said he had seven older brothers. When he was seven days old, seven women begged his father not to give him away to the two lady missionaries. They said seven curses will befall him.

“The first curse was the curse of English,” Sebastian said. We were walking the village Barette, taking the census of the rabbits and the chickens. “No Creole allowed. No French. Only English.”

He spoke in English, read in English, wrote in English, watched movies in English, gave tours of the missionary compound to visiting Americans and Danes in English. “They said, we’re your mothers now,” he said. “Children speak the language of their mothers.”

The day he turned seventeen, the two missionary ladies drove him up the mountain to his father’s house. They said, “Now you’re grown. We’ve done all we can.” Sebastian said, “Aren’t you my mothers?” They cried and drove away. His father came out of the house and cried and embraced him and spoke to him in a language he couldn’t understand. “The second curse was the curse of Creole,” Sebastian said. “It took me seven years to speak it well enough to pass for a Haitian.”

Up the hill was the houngan’s house. His wooden roof was painted purple beneath a field of orange stars. I wanted to visit him and convince him to sell it to me to take to Florida. Sebastian said, “If the houngan came to my village, we would have to kill him.”

“Why?” I said.

“Because,” Sebastian said, “he does not have the love of Christ in his heart.”

Later, I asked the elders of Sebastian’s village if they would kill the houngan. They laughed. “Sebastian is a liar,” they said. “The houngan is our friend. He goes to the church in Barette sometimes on Sundays when they need a trumpet player. The houngan is a good trumpet player.”

In the village Barette, Sebastian told me the third, fourth, fifth, sixth curses. It was getting dark, and we were walking up out of the village. I asked him what was the seventh curse. “You see these people, all my neighbors? I have to live among them. You and me, we’re not like them.”

He headed up the hill a ways, and I followed him across the mountain to his home. From every house we passed, people called their greetings.

2. Before the Earthquake

This was before the earthquake reduced the Hotel Montana to rubble. We were sitting at the bar drinking Dominican beers. Jean-Pierre, Sebastian, and me. The next morning we had to drive to Jacmel to count some rabbits and chickens. Sebastian had a little cocaine, and I gave him a little money, and he gave me the cocaine, and I put it in my pocket for the morning.

We were playing a game called Who’s More Heroic Than the Americans. It was a joke of a game. The first round everyone said: “Everyone who’s not an American.” The second round you had to tell another true story, but this one had to be specific.

“I knew a Catholic priest in Cité Soleil,” Jean-Pierre said. “He was Nigerian. The people were so mean to him. This went on for years. They stole things from his house. Once, he was beaten in the street and no one came to his aid. Still, he lived seven years in a shanty house, even though he could have lived well. He could have lived anywhere. One day a little retarded boy was crossing an open sewer on a lashed-together bridge made of two halves of one tree. The sewer was five feet deep with water and every kind of human waste. People pissed in it, shit in it. The sewer was the color of disease. This little retarded boy couldn’t have been more than five years old. Halfway across the bridge, some older boys came and shook both sides, just to be mean. The little retarded boy fell in. He was flailing around. There was a big crowd. People were watching him go down, but nobody wanted to jump in. Around the time the boy went over, the Nigerian priest came walking by. He didn’t even hesitate. He didn’t take off his clothes or his watch or take out his wallet or anything. He just jumped in, head-first, into the shitwater. He went under and came back up with that kid. That brown sludge was in his mouth, in his teeth, in his eyes.”

“I can beat that,” Sebastian said. “I knew a man who took a blowtorch to the side of a shipping container somebody was using for a store in the village Marigot. The store owner caught him red-handed at midnight. His bag was filled up with biswuit, dry goods, Tampico juices, Coca-Colas. The store owner called for his cousins, and his cousins called for their cousins. Soon all the men of the village surrounded this man in the shipping container. They tied him up, and in the morning they dragged him out into the middle of the road. They brought out all the children to see. The store owner said, ‘See what happens when you steal.’ While the man was still alive, they hacked off his fingers and toes one by one with a machete. They sealed the wounds with a hot iron. Then they hacked off his feet and hands. Then they hacked off his arms at the elbows and his legs at the knees. Then they poured gasoline over his head and set him on fire and watched him dance around while he died.”

“The store owner was a hero,” Jean-Pierre said, “for protecting his family business.”

“No,” Sebastian said. “The thief was a hero, for risking his life to get food for his family.”

They looked at me. I shielded my part of the table with my arm. I poured some of the powder on the table, made a line, and snorted. I said, “I wish I had some to share.”

3. After the Earthquake

We went down to the mausoleum where Sebastian’s dead were buried. The earth had buckled in waves, and one of the waves split the center of the concrete, and where it had split, the fresh corpses had fallen out of their graves and mingled on the ground with the bones of the longer dead, and some carrion animals were pulling at a dead woman’s face. The smell is in my nostrils still.

At the graveside, I told Sebastian I couldn’t take this gruesome scene, this horror movie.

Sebastian lifted the bodies from the ground one by one, and held them for a while. “Auntie Marie,” he said. “Auntie Ti-ti. Auntie Solange.”

4. The Pig and the Pony

We reached a vista. All of Port-au-Prince stretched out beyond us, the sun reflecting from the metal roofs of the bidonville shanties like a hundred thousand daytime stars. An American Airlines jet took off from the airport. Sebastian said any child with a shoulder-fired rocket launcher could stand on any rooftop in La Saline and blow any airplane out of the sky. Why hadn’t it happened yet?

A donkey draped with yellow saddlebags came up the road from the distance. A thin man in a yellow shirt led the donkey up the hill. He waved as he got closer. His shirt and the saddlebags said DHL in red letters. We said bonswa and komon ou ye and byen, byen. “What do you have?” Sebastian said. “Letters,” the DHL courier said. “Where is your motorcycle?” Sebastian said. The DHL courier said the gas tank had rusted out, so he had replaced it with a gallon milk jug, but someone had dropped a match into the milk jug while he was making a delivery at the cement store.

After the DHL courier left, six men came up the hill carrying a casket. They were dressed in fine linen suits, and white specks from the dirt in the road were soiling their shoes, which were newly shined. We made room so they could pass us, and as they passed we briefly joined in their funeral song.

We watched them disappear behind a bend where the road followed the curve of the mountain, and when they were gone, I asked Sebastian who was in the casket. “That is the wife of one of the elders of the village Jean-Baptiste,” he said. “She fell in love with a bourgeois man in the city. Every day she took the tap-tap to see him. He gave her so much money. When the elder found out, he fed her feet to his pony.”

Later I visited the village Jean-Baptiste and played soccer with some of the men who lived there. After the game, the women made a feast of rice and stewed tomatoes and a sauce of leeks and carrots. For me, they killed their fattest rabbit, and they would not take any money for it. While we were eating, I asked about the elder who fed his wife’s feet to a pony. A man stood up and said, “Come, let me show you.” We walked down the orange path, past his sister’s house, his brother’s house, the houses of his two friends and his one sworn enemy. A bone-thin pony was tied up in the front of his own house. He petted the pony, and said, “The lies they are telling about you.” Then we went to the back yard, where he kept two pigs, and he pointed to the fatter one. “It was this fellow who ate the feet,” he said. “Not the pony.”

We stared at the pig for a long time. I imagined the woman’s feet in its mouth. Then the man laughed bitterly. “Do you think this is a village where we feed the parts of people to animals?” He said it to shame me.

When I told Sebastian, he said, “Don’t believe it. I don’t trust that pony.”

5. The Third, Fourth, Fifth, and Sixth Curses

Once, late at night, we were trying to sleep in the reclined seats of a borrowed Jeep in the middle of the treeless forest, on our way to cross the Dominican border. We both kept machetes under the seats, and I had a gun. Somewhere near enough to hear but not near enough to see, a lot of people were singing and beating drums. I kept the keys in the ignition.

Sometime before morning, Sebastian said, “Tell me about your mother.”

“She was a good woman,” I said, “but for twenty years she refused to talk to her sister.”

“Her sister slept with her husband?” Sebastian said.

“No,” I said. “It was a misunderstanding. Her sister forgot to pick me up from school one afternoon, and one time she left me alone in her house for a half hour while she went to the store to buy some groceries. There was an incident with somebody saying something to somebody else about what somebody else said to some other person. I’m not sure I understand it.”

“After I was born, my mother ran away,” Sebastian said. “No one knows where. There was some kind of craziness in her family. My father said many of them had been turned into zombies. He took me to see them near Furcy. They were chained to a plow, four of them, and pulling it. My father said, ‘That’s vodou,’ and I said, ‘No, it’s not. That’s mental illness.’ The farmer had a whip, but he wasn’t driving them with it. He didn’t need the whip. Their spirits were broken already. They were machines with broken brains.”

He reached under his seat for his water bottle and took a sip. “Why are people so bad to each other?” he said. “There was this crazy woman. She always came into town with this mongrel dog. She only had one friend. He was a crazy person, too. A line of drool always hung from his mouth. He had gums instead of teeth. Sometimes he stole some food for her dog. I never saw her eat. She was always looking for food for the dog.”

Sometimes when I think of him, now, it’s this moment. He’s staring out the window in the direction of the mountains of Massif de la Selle, thinking about his mother.

“Sometimes she slept on the steps of the mission school. When she did, we stepped over her. Someone might poke her with his foot, to wake her. Someone probably kicked her sometime, but I never saw anyone do it.

“One morning the dog was gone. She was walking the street, looking for the dog. All day she was looking. The next morning, she lay on the steps of the mission school. I stepped over her. We all stepped over her. Nobody poked or kicked her. We let her sleep. We felt sorry for her, because of the dog.

“She was still lying there at the end of the school day, when they opened the doors and let us free. She didn’t move the whole day, and then she didn’t move the whole night. One of the teachers came along and covered her body with a black sheet. Nobody wanted to take her body. Nobody wanted her to live forever with their own dead. Nobody wanted her bones with their bones.

“Nobody claimed her body until the next morning. It was the crazy man who fed her dog. He lifted her body, sheet and all. He was talking to her. He had her under the armpits, and he started spinning with her. He was dancing with her. They were turning and turning. He was making a noise like an animal soon to the slaughter.

“People were yelling. Put her down, put her down! The boys picked up rocks and threw rocks at him. He had to flee. He tried to carry her away with him, but she was too heavy. The rocks were still coming. His face was bloody from them, and his shirt was torn. Finally, he dropped her in the grass by the side of the road. She lay there for three days, and then a Dutch man paid to have her buried in another village. He sent two men to collect her body.

“For a while I didn’t think about her much. But after I saw her relatives chained to the plow, I thought: Could that crazy woman have been my mother?”

6. The Tumor

The kids at the orphanage said, why do you ride around with Sebastian?

The missionaries said, watch out. He wants things from you. He will steal things from you. Watch your guns. Watch your jewelry.

The man at the tree place told me about a cash-for-charcoal scam that ended in nobody getting any charcoal. The man at the art kiosk across the street from the mission told me about a middleman scheme. The man who built the wooden A-frame houses that were meant as temporary housing, but which the people who bought or received them meant to last a hundred years, told me about a strike-and-extortion scheme, which yielded nothing. “I have a hundred bodyguards,” the man said, although he only had two. A farmer in Artiste told me of a scam where Sebastian tried to sell electricity he was stealing by tying barbed wire to the new power lines the president was running up the mountainsides. “Does he think I don’t have barbed wire?” the farmer said. “Everyone has barbed wire.”

Almost every day, Sebastian asked me for more money. He said his nephew needed money to give the school for photocopies. He said his niece needed money for needle and thread. He said the church needed money for sound equipment. He said his father needed money for a saw and a lathe and a level, so he could start a new business as a carpenter. He said he knew a man whose father had a tumor the size of a small grapefruit on his prostate. He said he needed money to take out the tumor and the prostate. “Let me see this man,” I said. “Take me to see this man.”

We walked down into Sebastian’s village. “Don’t be alarmed,” Sebastian said, “when you see their eyes.” All the members of the family had a degenerative eye disease. They all went blind by age twenty-five. “My friend is twenty-three,” Sebastian said. “You can see it already. The disease is eating his eyes.”

There were eight small children, two teenage girls, Sebastian’s friend, and his father and mother, both of whom were in their seventies. Sebastian’s friend was a very late child. (“A miracle child,” I said. “A shame and a burden,” Sebastian said.) The teenage girls and the children were the sons and daughters of sons and daughters and grandsons and granddaughters who had long since fled for the city. These were the unwanted children, or the too-many children, or the children taken early by the blindness. Sebastian’s friend was working for tips at the Hotel Kinam to bring in money, and tending the garden in the mornings. When he was gone, people stole from the garden. There was no one in the family able enough to do anything about it.

We greeted Sebastian’s friend. “My friend,” he said, “my good friend. You will come see my father.”

He led us through a maze of banana trees, past the hundred-year-old stone house, to the unfinished concrete house at the back of the property. It had holes for windows and a hole where the roof would go. The old man sat shaking in a chair at the center of the one room. Piles of construction sand filled the four corners.

The old man leaned on his cane and shook. He waved us near him and spoke. He had the breath of brown death. After he said half a sentence, he paused to catch his breath, and Sebastian translated. “I saw you in a dream,” he said. “Bondye sent you from America. Your journey took you over the sea. You are estranged from your mother. You are wearing glasses and you have beautiful shoes.” Most of these things were true. “Bondye said this man will come,” he said. “You will show him your wound. He will lay hands on your wound, and your wound will be healed.”

He pushed on his cane. With some effort, he sat upright in his chair. With his shaking hand, he handed the cane to his son. With great effort, he reached both hands to his pants button and his zipper. He said, “I will show you.” He unbuttoned his pants, and he unfastened his zipper. With both hands, as if presenting a bouquet of flowers, he held himself out to us. What he showed was mostly tumor. His penis and his testicles had shriveled to a flaccid tininess. Most of his hair had fallen away. Only a slight smear of peach fuzz remained, and it was slick with a yellowish-white discharge from a suppurating wound that was on the tumor but not of the tumor.

“Bondye said,” the old man said again, “this man will come. You will show him your wound. He will lay hands on your wound, and your wound will be healed.”

Everyone was looking at me. Sebastian, with his good eyes. The man’s son, with his cataracting, failing eyes. The old man, with his blind eyes. Even the tumor seemed like a giant dying eye. The man’s son was nodding, as if to say: Go ahead. Sebastian was watching, as if to see what kind of man I was after all our time together.

I held out my hands. I cupped them as if I were preparing to draw water from the river. I put them on either side of the tumor. My right wrist grazed the old man’s tiny penis, and my left wrist grazed his testicles. The skin swollen by the tumor was hot, and the skin covering the genitals was as cold as a slab at the morgue. “You must pray,” the son said. “Our Father, who art in heaven,” I said. It wasn’t a prayer to the sky. It was a prayer to the people in the room. If there was any belief to borrow, it was all theirs.

Then I couldn’t remember the rest of the words to the prayer, even though it was the most famous prayer in the world. In my mind, it had become conflated with a less famous poem, by an American who had once been my teacher at the university. Our Father who art in heaven, I am drunk. Again. Red wine. For which I offer thanks. I ought to start with praise, but praise comes hard to me. I stutter. .

I had not memorized the whole poem, but I did remember the ending, the beautiful ending. The drunk, praying, thinks of himself as an old-time cartoon character, a poor jerk who wanders out on air and then looks down. Below his feet, he sees eternity, and suddenly his shoes no longer work on nothingness, and down he goes. The drunk prays: As I fall past, remember me.

It seemed as fitting a prayer as the one I had forgotten. I cobbled together bits and pieces of both, and drew on the language of special pleading I remembered from all those dreary years at the Cherry Road Baptist Church. I used the words suppurating, and grapefruit, and hot and cold, and shrivel and shrink.

When I was done, nothing happened. Everyone was as blind or cataracted or tumored or lying or despicable as we had been before we prayed, and my hands were wet with white and yellow pus. I told the old man I was sorry. Nothing happened. He had not been healed. I must not be the man Bondye had sent from over the sea. He said, “We must wait. Bondye’s time is not our time.”

Outside, I asked Sebastian, “How much is the surgery.”

Sebastian said, “All surgeries are three hundred dollars.”

I said, “I have four hundred dollars in my pocket. I’m going to give all of it to him.”

Sebastian said, “If you give him four hundred dollars for his surgery, they will use it to buy sand and Portland. Or they will use it to buy a window. Or they will use it to buy corrugated aluminum for a roof. The old man will die soon no matter what you do.”

“What can I do?” I said.

“You can give the money to me,” Sebastian said. “I will take it to pay the doctor, and I will pay the tap-tap to take him to the doctor.”

I looked at him, and I knew. He would take the money and put it in his pocket, and I would never see him again. Or I would see him again the next time he wanted some money.

“No,” I said, quietly. “No, no.”

I put the money back in my pocket and vowed to return after we did the count in Mirebalais — in three weeks. Pick up the old man myself. Take him to the hospital myself. Pay for the surgery myself.

In later years, a woman told me: Who do you think you are, to play God? Who do you think you are, the savior of the world? I said: I only wanted to save this one man for a little while. I knew he was going to die soon.

Three weeks passed. We returned to the village. Another casket, a cheap one, was marching up the street. So many of the pall-bearers were blind. “Don’t worry,” Sebastian said. “You took his tumor in your hands.” “But I didn’t cut it out,” I said. “You should have given me the money,” he said.

7. At the Marché

A few days later we went to the Marché en Fer to buy fruits and vegetables. The whole market had fallen down in the earthquake, but now an Irishman had rebuilt the clock tower and the minarets, restored the masonry, and reinforced the iron columns. The Irishman said the new walls were earthquake-proof, and the roof was covered with solar panels.

These were the days when it was hard to walk into a building and not be afraid the walls and the roof might fall on you and crush your head. You looked for a space beside a sturdy piece of furniture, and traced an invisible line at a forty-five degree angle, which you’d dive beneath for shelter at the first shake. Every so often, continuing to this day, another building would fall in an aftershock. All over the country we saw three-story buildings pancaked to one story, and lo these years later, the bodies still inside. They didn’t even stink anymore. Almost for certain, the bacteria and the worms and the rodents had picked them to bones.

But it wasn’t like the early days. People were moving. Children in uniforms walked to school in the mornings. The tap-taps were full of men carrying their work tools in canvas bags. In the city, the cell phone vendors walked the streets in their red smocks and carrying their red phones, selling rechoj cards, and soda and water vendors walked through the traffic jams, carrying on their heads cardboard boxes full of plastic sugar-and-caffeine concoctions and vacuum-sealed plastic bags of water.

In the Marché, I bought two bottles of Atomic Energy Drink, one for me and one for Sebastian, and he bought me a styrofoam container full of griot and fried plantains and pikliz. I bought him a pizza from a vendor billing herself as the Walt Disney Pizza Company. Famous mice and dogs and ducks decorated the sign behind her.

We took our food outside and crouched in the shade of the nearest wall. While we were eating, Sebastian said, “When you leave, will you come back?”

I stopped eating for a moment. An uncharacteristic sincerity was in his eyes. I didn’t trust it.

“You are my good friend,” he said.

But that’s what everyone said. Everyone who wanted something. I could see myself, in a few weeks, sitting on my couch in Florida, watching football. The job was over. There was no reason for me to stay. “What will you do,” I said, “after I leave.”

He patted his wallet, where he kept some of his walking-around money, and he patted his shoe, where he kept the rest. “I have met some important people,” he said. He pointed at every ten degrees of the sky around us. “I’m going to buy a new suit. The future is big.”

Already he had gathered ten of the best English speakers in Koulèv-Ville. He planned to drill them six days a week, in the mornings, when the mind is still fresh. He planned to lease them by the day, to journalists and tourists and aid organizations of every stripe, with special rates for weekly or monthly hires. He would take twenty percent, as his fee. No longer would he be the wage worker. Now he would be the collector of the real money, the wage-giver, the big boss.

“When you get home,” Sebastian said, “you will not remember me.”

Within six months, he would be dead. The rally at the Palace. The fires. The burning tires. The gunshots, two to the head.

That day at the Marché, he said, “It’s going to be the most beautiful suit. It’s going to be linen. It’s going to be chalk-striped, double-breasted. It’s going to have a notched lapel. I’m going to get it tailored.”

Q & A

Q: Do you think you can resurrect the dead?

A: I am the fiery angel. I can run time backward. I can speed it up and dance babies back into the womb.

Q: Do our thoughts betray us?

A: Scientists are perfecting a brain scanner that can already show distorted images of your dreams. Then they’ll just stick you in an MRI machine and ask the questions you don’t want to answer, and your thoughts will betray you. Until then, other people can only guess.

Q: On the cover of this book, it says “Fiction.”

A: That’s what people write when they want to get away with telling the truth. When they want to convince you of a lie, they dress up some facts and call it “Nonfiction.” Either way, people from the past send angry emails.

Q: Did the things in this book actually happen in the unvirtual world, what the kids call meat space?

A: It’s like Kazuo Ishiguro said: “I’m more interested in what people tell themselves happened rather than what actually happened.”

Q: Don’t hide behind Kazuo Ishiguro.

A: I remember the bully who beat me up almost every day in junior high school. I remember the sweet odor of those red mesh equipment bags that held body armor and hung from meat hooks. I remember the puke-green walls of the locker room. I remember the special orange-brown of the rust on the edges of the lockers. I remember the shape of my own hairless testicles, how they seemed to retreat in fear when it was time to take a shower among a bunch of kids my own age or a little older who looked like full-grown men and had a foot or more of height on me. But were they as big as I remember, or was my idea of their height exaggerated because of my smallness and the smallness of my idea of myself and the bigness of my idea of them? And did they beat me up almost every day, or did they just beat me up a few times, but I responded so strongly and fearfully that in my memory it became almost every day? Why am I calling the football pads “body armor”? Had I ever seen a meat hook? Did I think of those red mesh bags as hanging from meat hooks back then, or is that something that I used later, to gild the story — or, no, to uglify the story. Because they’re conveniently dramatic words, aren’t they? Meat, and hook? They open up associations. The body as meat, the cheapness of meat, the animality of meat. The hook, which pierces and controls.

Q: Who sends the angry emails?

A: People from the Christian school. People from the churches where I was raised and where I worked as a pastor. They follow a form. The first thing the email writer does is to assure me that he or she is reaching out in love to offer correction. Correction is the price of love.

Q: Do you think that’s true?

A: If it is, then these awful stories I’m writing are also an expression of love.

Q: How?

A: Because I see them as a correction of the untruths I was told as a child about how the world works.

Q: Are you saying that the adults in your life were liars?

A: No. I think they were mostly good and decent people. I just think that it is inconvenient and possibly destructive, for some people, to closely examine your own life, or to have a reckoning with your past, your family history, your community of origin, your own choices.

Q: Unintentional liars, then?

A: I knew a woman, my teacher. A mentor in many ways. She said the most useful thing: Our job is to identify the distance between the story we’ve been telling ourselves about our lives — the received story, or the romantic story, or the wishful thinking — and replace it with the story that experience is revealing about our lives, the story that is more true.

Q: The facts are the same in both versions of the story.

A: It’s the reckoning that changes. The narrative itself is the reckoning. The choices you make about what is or isn’t significant, and what it all comes to mean.

Q: Why do you often tell the same story two or three different ways?

A: It’s not done with me yet. I forgot something important, or I hadn’t learned it yet.

Q: You still believe in something as old-fashioned as meaning-making?

A: Maybe the biggest fiction I want to create is that it all matters. It matters so much. It matters and matters.

Q: Contrary to the evidence.

A: This is the only life I have. This is the only life you have unless you’re lucky enough to die and be resurrected as the fiery angel.

Q: Why do you have the robot in the story about the suicide?

A: It was a mistake. That story needed seventy-three robots, twelve pirates, three Vikings, three zombies, seven murders in polygamist cults, two slow trains to Bangkok, three bejeweled elephants in the court of Catherine the Great, six scarlet-threaded elevators to space, fourteen backlit liquor bars in Amsterdam, five bearded men spinning plates on top of thirty-foot poles in Central Park, four mechanical rabbits, three alarm clocks, two magic tricks, twenty-four test tubes, the Brooklyn Bridge, the London Bridge, the boob doctor’s daughter. .

Q: Whatever it takes to get your attention?

A: Whatever it takes to cover all the hurt.

Q: Are there any stories you want to try again?

A: Turn the page and see.

THE SWEET LIFE

THE BOY IN THE CASKET was my wife’s nephew.

“I want to talk about biscuits,” the preacher said.

We were all of us sweating. The sanctuary doubled as a gymnasium.

The preacher took the store-bought biscuits from their wrapping. He put a piece in his mouth and ate. “Mmm, mmm,” he said. “Biscuits is one of the sweetest things in the world.”

The boy’s mother and father sat apart. Soon they would no longer be married.

“Life can be sweet,” the preacher said. “Like these buttermilk biscuits. Yes, sir.” He took another bite. He wiped his forehead with a white handkerchief.

My wife was holding my hand. My wife’s hand was shaking.

“The sweet life,” the preacher said. “Is made of bitter parts.”

Like the biscuits, he was saying. He seemed as far away as the planet Jupiter. Everything in the sanctuary gymnasium seemed out of proportion. The basketball hoops were flying saucers.

“Two cups all purpose flour,” he said. He poured from a paper bag into a Tupperware cup. He licked his finger and put it to the flour and took it to his lips and tongue. He made a sour face. “It’s bitter, flour,” he said.

A single drop of sweat rolled down my wife’s arm and landed on my hand. It felt wet on my hand. I could see the veins. They seemed so large, bulging there like an old person’s veins, like my grandmother’s. I had a vision of her, in her red housedress, sweating in her trailer, even though she could well afford to run the air conditioner.

“Baking powder,” the preacher said. “One tablespoon.” He ate and made his cartoon face.

Some people were laughing. Laughing!

“Three quarters of a teaspoon of salt.”

My wife was not crying. Maybe her mouth, like mine, was dry. If you suck on the insides of your dry cheeks you can hold the crying in.

“Baking soda. Vegetable shortening. One cup buttermilk.” He tasted the buttermilk. Some things, he said, are sweet, even in the time of bitterness.

Amen, somebody was saying. Were they saying Amen? Was it someone, the mother or the father, who had the right to say Amen? Or was it someone else, anyone else in the room — someone who did not have the right to say Amen.

The preacher poured the buttermilk into a glass bowl, and mixed it with the flour, the baking powder and the baking soda and salt and all.

I looked around to see who was saying Amen.

There was a small oven on the stage. A theater prop, not a working oven. The preacher poured the biscuit batter into a silver biscuit tray and pretended to set it baking. Then he moved from sermon to eulogy.

Somehow the smell of biscuits filled the sanctuary gymnasium.

“No one knows why these things happen, but everything happens for a reason. All things work together for good, to them that love God, to them who are called according to His righteousness.”

On the front row, the mother sat beside her mother. They were weeping. Perhaps they were finding comfort in the preacher’s words. Perhaps everyone but me and my wife were finding comfort in the preacher’s words.

“And God, in His good time. . ”

The boy was dead in the box.

On the stage, the oven timer dinged. A helper delivered a foil wrapped basket of biscuits. The biscuits were warm, brown. Done. The preacher bit into one. His testimony was that the buttermilk was baked well into the biscuit. “A message of hope I have for you,” he said. The biscuit was sweet.

The mother was crying. The father sat with his head in his hands. There were grandparents, cousins. A sister. We all of us must have wanted for hope.

The preacher promised a call to salvation. The musicians took their places on stage to play the music that would make more powerful his talk.

In the moment before the musicians started their music, there was a silence. To me the silence seemed our natural state, bitter and forever. There was a burning smell from the oven. I did not want to give it meaning, but we have been conditioned to give everything meaning. Then we began to sing.