Slapboxing with Jesus

raw daddy

The next morning I was still scratching my nuts, for hours; in the afternoon I called Lianne; I was fiending. When I asked for her, Ray stopped flipping through television channels long enough to whisper, — What are you thinking?

She sounded like sleep; it was a Wednesday afternoon. Outside, Brooklyn traffic was turned on: boys screamed tag or bounced balls against concrete; girls were laughing. Around here, even if it wasn’t funny, girls were laughing at something. She didn’t recognize my voice. Ray had the sound up, loud, and wouldn’t lower it, so I was screaming. It had been some time.

— Oh, she sighed. Whassup, Sean.

I laughed. — Damn, it’s been seven months, you could sound a little happier to hear from me.

— I’m sorry, she said, it’s not you. Work’s got me standing eight hours a day. So why I haven’t heard from you in forever?

— Just living, I told her, moving my hands to emphasize the first word not the second.

— Uh-huh, sure. So why you calling me out of nowhere?

She knew. Was that the sound of construction there, far beneath her voice? — What are they building? I asked.

— No, she corrected. Tearing down.

I wasn’t subtle all the time, asked, — So what’s up with that yum-yum?

She laughed hard despite herself. — You’re a fool, Sean, you know that?

— But that’s why you love me, right? She was quiet; I cleared my throat.

Lianne seemed to be thinking about it; finally she agreed. — Tonight we could do something. I don’t work again until tomorrow night.

I put up one finger, inspected the nail. Ray walked for the bathroom shaking his head. He left the set on, an airline commercial; jet engines ran loud to make their point: the most powerful planes in the sky. I asked a favor for Ray, could she bring a friend for him?

— What I look like, she snapped. A pimp?

— Nah, but come on, spread love. You know? And none of your little snaggletooth, mud-duck friends neither.

— What are you talking about? she huffed. All my girls are fly.

My coughing passed. — I need to remind you that Aysha’s eye is so fucked up that if you want her looking at you you have to talk into that bitch’s ear?

She stifled some kind of laugh. — It’s just that one eye, damn. One thing wrong and you flip. But I’ll find someone for Ray.

— That’s what I’m talking about. I clapped twice.

— And don’t call my girl a bitch.

I apologized. Someone parked outside was pumping a tape. It was almost winter so the car windows were up, but ignoring all that bass was impossible. I couldn’t tell you the tune, just the tempo. A second after a beat, their window would rattle hard; two seconds after that, our living room glass too. I wondered how far those waves could travel. For a minute, I was jealous.

She said, — Bring a movie.

— Woman, I explained, you’re going to be so into me you won’t be seeing straight, so forget a flick.

— Unless you had a dick transplant you better bring all types of things to distract me. Her laugh was loose in my ear.

I hung up after our good-byes, then went to the television and ran my hand over the screen. My palm came up gray with dust; electricity sparkled against my skin. I got some paper towels, glass cleaner, sprayed it on and wiped the tube down. Then I did the sides and back. I walked to the bathroom door, knocked for Ray. The toilet flushed as I knocked again and he came out, irritated.

— What man? What?

I paused. I pointed. — You didn’t wash them hands, Ray.

— Man, Ray sighed, used to me. Leave me alone.

— That’s why you get no ass, I told him. You go to hold a woman’s hand and your fingers smell like shit! I paused so he could think about this. We’re going to Lianne’s.

— Not me, Lone Ranger. Ray swung at me, playful. You’re on your own. Remember the last woman she set me up with?

— What? I laughed. She was willing, right? And you know you don’t come across charitable girls that often.

Ray yelled, — She took her panties off and my eyes started to tear up!

— Well, you shouldn’ta been trying to eat her out.

— Sean, I wasn’t even in the room.

He got me, Ray always did. That face he made was perfect, like someone had jigged him in the gut. I held my side, fell back into the couch. We had such a small apartment. It was long and thin, got wider at the end, here in the living room; the place was shaped like an extension cord.

——

When I opened my eyes Ray was at my face, behind him our boy Trevor. Now we were supposed to call him Knowledge, but when you’ve seen a boy, at thirteen years old, cry for his stolen Lego, you will never be able to call him Knowledge. The best I could manage was to use the first initial. — Peace to the Gods. I smiled at K.

He nodded approval, said, — What up, Sun?

I had fallen out on the chair in my room after making a quick trip to Harlem for some clothes. Because my work schedule was funny I had the habit of checking the date every time I woke up. See, today in 1908 the first factory-built Model T was completed. One of the benefits of working at a Ford dealership: free fun facts printed on your complimentary calendar. Henry had taken the car on a hunting trip to Wisconsin.

Ray left my room, in the back end of the apartment, wound through the kitchen, which came next, down the little hallway and into the bathroom as K and I walked. Ray had his towel and his soaps. K stopped us in the kitchen. Leaning in close, I whispered, — Man, that kid, he got like two different shampoos, a soap for his body, gel for his face. A fucking loofah pad.

K, at the fridge, opened it, stuck his big-ass head inside. — Ah-hah. Ray man, he called out, Sean is making you sound like a bitch.

But Ray already had the shower going. He thought I didn’t know, but he wasn’t in yet. He did this every other morning, sitting on the toilet filing down his toenails. K’s magic nose had sniffed out the bowl of hard-boiled eggs Keisha had made for me. His big hammy hands were all over them. While he hunted I got out a broom and swept, reaching the long yellow bristles down the hidden side of the fridge, around the oven, underneath the cabinets, pulling out all the secret bits of fallen food, paper and dirt. When I found a dime layered in dust, I threw it at K; he’d been foraging for too long. He didn’t get angry. He said, — Turn on that radio.

There was one by the sink. K twirled his hands like a band leader, getting me to raise the volume. Good, now louder, he gestured. He said, — Brooklyn is amped today.

— For what?

He shrugged. — When you ever known this place to need a reason? Shit is just hot. Niggas are out and girls are, he stressed it, everywhere. It’s like summer.

— That’s why I’m staying in until dark, I said. Everyone starts acting up on days like this.

K dragged me into the living room, single file in the hall, his other hand carrying the food, pointed out the windows. — Nah, you gotta come build with me today. Gods are out there, right now, so much science getting dropped they’re creating new worlds and shit. Universes. I got to remind you? All this shit you see before you, we made. You don’t want to be a part of that?

I rolled my eyes; the T.V. was still shouting, fighting with the radio I’d left on in the kitchen. Plus Ray was singing while he washed, no shame, like how hard he sang made up for how bad. — I don’t want to hear this shit today, K. I laughed at him, but who was I fooling? I loved it; I was ready to be convinced.

K could see this. He said, — You seen how many times Osiris got shot by the cops? Like forty-one.

I laughed. — Even these crazy-ass New York cops couldn’t get away with that much.

He shrugged. — It was a lot, forty-one, fourteen. They shot him and he didn’t die, motherfuckers told me he didn’t even fall down. You tell me, what normal man’s going to walk away from that? He has to be God manifested on Earth and that’s what I am and that’s what you are. Come to one cipher and build, just listen to the brothers and you’ll believe.

Whenever I was ordering a new rearview mirror for a ’92 Escort, I wanted to hear K’s speeches deifying us again. If he wasn’t around I’d tell them to myself. Then, if I was feeling really charged, I’d shut my eyes, had faith that if I could think of enough good things to do I’d be God when I opened them again. I’d always start small: the complete Sherlock Holmes series with Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce would run on channel 13 every day; I wouldn’t be going bald anymore; the rent for everyone on our block paid for the next twenty years; more trees would grow through the concrete; Ray would actually get to be an airline pilot. Each time it failed I didn’t lose enthusiasm, I just hadn’t dreamed up anything big enough. To be God you had to think larger.

K looked out the window. — Only thing that’d keep people calm today is clouds.

He gave me an idea. I shut my eyes. I waved my hand and thought, Rain; nothing happened. I shrugged. K started telling me something else, that Keisha knew I was cheating, that she was tired of it. I sat down, trapped again by earthly pressures.

— Where’d you hear all this? I asked.

— Her cousin.

— Alice.

— Nah. He smiled. The other one, Ayanah.

— Since when you been tight with her?

— Since she’s been getting the essence of the God! K squeezed at his dick. He laughed and me with him.

— You’re hitting that? I thought it was you and Alice? And you’re trying to talk to me about being faithful?

He shrugged. — The God must spread his seed.

— See that, I said. Even the righteous brothers are wack.

He sat up. In his open mouth I could see the food being chewed. — Don’t kid yourself, so are these women. They both have men, but look, they still come to me.

— That’s real deep, I said.

— Don’t roll your eyes, K protested. I’m dropping bombs and your mind can’t handle it.

— Most you’re dropping, I pointed out, is those UPS packages while you’re working.

As soon as I stepped out these two were all over me, Ray being loud, — Damn! And I thought I took a long-ass time. Someone had turned on the fan, set it on the sill in the living room where those two sat. It was September. Cold air lanced our apartment, strong enough it might have peeled paint loose, blown bugs from their corners. I was in my towel, still wet. Between them sat the bowl of eggs my girl had made for me; they had been reduced to nothing but their grayish-white shells in a messy pile.

— Man, K said, put your shirt on. No one here wants to see your scrawny chest.

— You dream about this shit right here, I said, pointed to my pecs, flexed my arms.

— Damn Sean, K said. You been working out.

I got thrown but he seemed serious. — Well, I been doing push-ups.

They turned to each other, started laughing. K hopped up, flexing. — Well, I been doing push-ups, he said, sounding like a faggot. Our living room wasn’t worth much, the ceiling creaked if you bumped into the light that hung down on a wire.

— What’s your cousin’s name? I asked Ray

— Ramon?

— No, no, Chocolate or something. I pointed to my face like that might give Ray a better idea.

— Yeah. Cocoa. You got something to tell me about my cousin?

— Not him, his boy who I see all over, all fucked up.

Ray nodded. — I know who you mean, that kid is bad news.

I scratched my head. — I saw him when I bought some pants for tonight, uptown, hanging on to a phone booth like he was going to die if he let go. He was looking rough. I was standing right next to him.

Some people were always reminding you how close you were to falling off. The thought of him put a little fear in me. I took the phone down to my room and called Keisha. While it rang I folded the clothes I’d washed yesterday. Some of them were still a little wet and this pissed me off because I’d spent a whole hour with them in the dryers. Instead of hanging them out to dehydrate I creased them up and put them in their drawers. I saw this as some kind of punishment. They’d smell a little when I took them out, the fabric would wear out sooner and it would be me who’d pay for it, but I couldn’t stop myself. I shoved them in like they were headstrong children determined to do their own thing. I slammed the drawers closed like I was locking the clothes in a room. Keisha’s mother answered. — Hello Miss Bonyers, I said.

— Oh, hi Sean.

I laughed. — No one’s too happy to hear from me today.

— Keisha’s not here, she exhaled. She turned her mouth from the phone but I heard the light pull on a cigarette. Her voice was soft, showed no sign of the good thirty years she’d been doing that.

— Do you think she’ll be back soon? I asked.

She considered it. — Keisha’s in class right now, I think. At the college.

I nodded, looked around the room for my pick. — Could you tell her I called?

— Sean, you know she’ll be graduating in two years. From college, I’m saying. She deserves something good. You understand what I mean?

We’d known each other for a long time. When I was moving into this place, after high school, she and Keisha had helped me pack some things. Keisha and I had just been friends then. Her mother told me it was a good thing for a man to get out someway when he turned eighteen.

— I know what you’re telling me Miss Bonyers. Keisha could do better.

She didn’t even inhale again for thirty or forty seconds. — No, Sean. You didn’t hear me. That’s not what I meant.

I sat quiet. Soon she said, — I’ll tell her. Can she call you tonight? Will you be around?

I stood, walked to the window. — No, I said. Me and Ray are going out.

— Well then, Miss Bonyers said and left it at that.

K broke out and then we made the trip. It was a train first, just to get us out of Brooklyn. In Queens we rode a bus with no heat, people huddled up in their clothes. I tried again, eyes closed, and decreed that no one would ever go cold, but as before, I guessed my scope was too small. When the bus dropped us off, we were two blocks from Lianne’s building.

— I just thought of something. I asked Ray what that was. Didn’t bring no condoms for my joint, he explained. I totally forgot. You got any I could use?

— Nah duke, I didn’t bring any.

— What you going to do? he asked.

— Like always papa, raw daddy.

— For real? He laughed like he was shocked. You do that shit a lot?

— Nah, just with Lianne when I see her. And Keisha.

We walked toward the right building, but here in Lefrak City each one looked like the others, tall and light red brick, curved driveway out front, parking lots only for people who’d signed a lease. All the stores had bright signs, for Chinese food, for liquor, so much light I bet you could see us from the moon.

— Keisha, I said, that’s my heart, so you know she’s gotta feel me. Plus I want her to drop my seed.

Ray was dipping through his clothes for the fourth time, in case he’d just misplaced his rubbers, but all he found were breath mints and three D-cell batteries. He was always bringing things home from Radio Shack by mistake. Once it was a battery tester, for cars, handheld; he’d gone through the apartment, putting the two little tongs to anything and testing for a current. He even tried the living. A cat from next door had none. I’d told him it was stupid, but in bed with Keisha one day I had her attach them to my pointer fingers, just to see if it would register a charge.

— Why Lianne? Ray asked.

— We used to always use something, but it was more because I didn’t want any babies with her. I don’t know how, but she shot out one ugly-ass kid.

— True. He tossed a broken red pen against a fire hydrant.

— I can’t take any chances, I told him. She takes the pill. I can’t have some ugly kids.

— That is important, he agreed.

At the doorway to Lianne’s building we stopped and stared at each other. I pressed the buzzer. — Who? Lianne asked over the intercom.

— It’s me, I screamed loud so she could hear. The door buzzed and Ray grabbed it. Everything around us was electric, powerful. No one could have told me that we weren’t divine. I’m coming for you, I promised into the speaker.

— Get your ass upstairs, she said. We dying up here.

She gave me an idea. I shut my eyes.

ghost story

Move anywhere, when you’re from the Bronx, you’re of the Bronx, it doesn’t shed. The buildings are medium height: schools, factories, projects. It’s not Manhattan, where everything’s so tall you can’t forget you’re in a city; in the Bronx you can see the sky, it’s not blotted out. The place isn’t standing or on its back, the whole borough lies on its side. And when the wind goes through there, you can’t kid yourself — there are voices.

I was at war and I was in love. Of both, the second was harder to hide, there was evidence. Like beside my bed, a three-liter bottle, almost full. I rolled from under my covers, spun off the cap, pulled down my pants, held myself to the hole and let go.

Besides me and the bottle, my room had a bed, some clothes hanging in the closet, books spread out across the floor. Somewhere in that pile of texts and manifestos were two papers I had to turn in if I ever wanted to be a college graduate.

Cocoa was in the next room, snoring and farting. I listened to him, all his sounds were music.

I finished, pulled up my sweatpants and closed the bottle; inside, the stuff was so clear you could hold it to one eye and read a message magnified on the other side. I religiously removed the label from this one like I had all the others, so when I put it at the bottom of the closet with them, in formation (two rows of three), I could check how they went from dark to lighter to this one, sheer as a pane of glass; each was like a revision — with the new incarnation you’re getting closer and closer to that uncluttered truth you might be hunting privately. I would show them all to a woman I loved, one I could trust; that had been tried three times already — the two stupid ones had asked me to empty them and change my life, the smart one had dressed right then and walked out. This was my proof, their intolerance, that people hate the body. But me, I was in love.

Cocoa and I had grown up poor and I was the stupid one; I believed that’s how we were supposed to stay. That’s why, when I saw him on the train two months before, with his girl, Helena, her stomach all fat with his seed, I didn’t leave him alone. I walked right over. I was at war too, and needed the help.

She’d looked up before he did; the express cut corners and I fooled myself into thinking she was glad to see me. — Hey Sammy, she forced out. Cocoa was working, I was sure of that; she was rocking three new gold fronts on her bottom teeth.

I asked, — You going to be a mommy?

Started telling me how many months along she was but I’d stopped listening; soon she wasn’t talking. Her jewelry disappeared behind her closed mouth. Cocoa hugged me tight like when we were fourteen: me and him coming out of the crap church on the corner of 163rd, the one with neon-bright red bricks, the painted sign on the door, misspelling the most important word (“cherch”). It was when his mother died, quick, and we were leaving the ceremony, behind us the thirty more people who’d cared to come. It had been a nice day so fellas were hanging out in crews everywhere and despite them Cocoa hadn’t been able to hide his crying like his father and uncles had. I put my hand on his shoulder, patted it hard like men do, but it wasn’t enough. So I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged, on the corner, like even his pops would never care: publicly. When Dorice walked by I didn’t stop and she probably thought we looked gay; still, I didn’t force him back and try to catch up to her. And Cocoa? He didn’t push me away, he leaned closer. He hugged me like that when I saw him on the train, like there was a death nearby. He looked right at me.

— We need to chill again, I said.

The way Cocoa grinned, it was like I’d given him cash. He was small, but he had the kind of smile it takes two or three generations of good breeding to grow; the one descendants of the Mayflower had after four centuries of feeding themselves fruit I’d never get my lips around (the kind where fresh means just picked, not just brought out for display). It was a good smile that made people trust him, think he was going places. Helena touched his leg, but he brushed her back, saying, — I’m just getting his number.

I watched Helena’s back curl like it would when the stomach got grander, the baby inside pushing out its little legs like it might kick a hole; as she sank I told Cocoa my number and he gave me his; he was living with Helena and her family, back in the Bronx.

— Wake up! I yelled out to the living room.

There was a class today. Physics, I think, but me passing that now was like a dude trying to be monogamous — impossible. Cocoa hadn’t missed a lecture or seminar all year, he’d bragged about it, so the last three days he’d been with me were only getting him in trouble with the mother-to-be. When she beeped him, every few hours, and he called back, she’d say she needed errands run, but her cousin Zulma was around, and her aunt; she was just on that ultrahorny pregnant-woman program and Cocoa knew. He would say, over the phone, — You know I can’t sleep with you when you’re pregnant, that would be wrong. I might give the baby a dent in its head. He laughed with me when he hung up, but while they were talking I said nothing; I listened from the kitchen to every syllable; if I’d had a pen and paper nearby I would have written it all down.

He stood in my doorway. He was slim as well as short but still seemed to take up all the space. Cocoa said, — You’re messing me up. That stuff from last night is still bothering me. What did we drink?

— I had a bugged dream, I muttered.

— I’d hate to hear it, Cocoa said. I’m going to make some breakfast.

My hand, I placed it against the window to see how cold it was out. It wasn’t a snowy winter. When I’d enrolled at City College it had been a big deal. I’d be getting my own place. My mother and sister were against it, but when you hit eighteen they call that adulthood and a lot more decisions are yours to make. Plus, you know how it is with boys in a family of women, they won’t let go. When I’d first moved in, Mom and Karen were coming by once a week to check on me, but after two years of staying on top of things, schedules, they had no choice, they let me be.

Three nights ago, when Cocoa had come to hang out, I’d made him wait outside while I got things in place: threw my pillows and sheets back on my bed, plugged everything in. I kept up with news, they were doing renovations all over the Bronx: new buildings, the parks reseeded with grass and imported trees, you could almost pretend there wasn’t a past.

After breakfast, for an hour, Cocoa and I took trains up and down the spines of Manhattan. Then we stood outside Washington Square Park, on the side farthest from NYU (Cocoa’s school), staring at three women he thought he knew. I was shaking my head. — No, no. You don’t know them. They’re way too pretty to be talking to you.

He spat, — You criticize when you get them herpes sores off your lips.

I touched my chin. — They’re only pimples.

— Then wash your face.

He’d been giving me advice since we were kids. He had thought that if he just told me how to be better I could be. Age ten was the first time for either of us that I acted up: when people whispering into telephones were talking about only me, a radio announcer was making personal threats (—Someone out there, right now, is suffering and won’t get relief until they’re our ninety-eighth caller and gets these tickets to Bermuda!). And Cocoa grabbed me tight as I dialed and redialed the pay phone in front of our building, screaming for someone to lend me twenty cents.

Cocoa walked and I moved beside him; we entered the park. The day was a cold one so the place wasn’t way too full like summers when you couldn’t move ten feet without having to dodge some moron with a snake on his shoulders or a cipher of kids pretending they’re freestyling lyrics they’d written down and memorized months before. — I saw Evette the other day, I told him.

He smiled. — What are you telling me that for? Anyway, she married someone didn’t she?

— Well, you staring at them three girls, I thought I’d tell you about one you actually got.

We had come to an NYU building and he told me to wait outside; he was angry that I’d brought up this woman with him trying so hard to be good; really, I don’t know why I did. When I’d called him a few days earlier, it had been because I knew I needed help, but once he was with me I avoided the issue.

My hands in my coat pockets, they were full of those used tissues from the flu in March. I had planned to keep them in a pillowcase under my bed when I got better, but those were all filled with the hairs I clipped off and saved, so it was September and I had never truly healed and my hands were full of dried snot.

Maybe if he hadn’t been doing so well, if his girl hadn’t been so pretty, if his grades weren’t soaring, if he’d been unhealthy, anything, but I couldn’t confide in someone doing so much better than me. I wouldn’t feel like I was asking for help, more like charity. The man he was now, I couldn’t sit down with him and go through all the events in my day to figure out which thing was damning me: that I woke up every day, alarmless, at seven-forty? that I couldn’t stand the taste of milk anymore? that I kept putting off a trip to the supermarket and so the cupboards and fridge were empty? that I had two pillowcases under my bed, one full of cut hair, the other full of old tissues? They all made sense to me.

They all had reasons: 1) for two years I’d had nine A.M. classes so now my body, even though I’d stopped attending, had found a pattern; 2) on campus two women had pulled me aside and shown me pamphlets about the haphazard pasteurization process, pictures of what a cow’s milk does to human lungs so that even just a commercial for cereal made my chest tighten; 3) I’d dated a woman who worked at the market two blocks away, had been too open in explaining my collections to her one night, sat dejected and embarrassed as she dressed and walked out forever, so I couldn’t go back in there even if it was silly pride; there wasn’t another grocery for blocks, when I needed food I just bought something already made and I was mostly drinking water now (to watch a cleansing process in myself) and you could get that from a tap. And 4) it wasn’t just my body, but The Body that I loved. So where others saw clippings as waste and mucus as excess, all to be collected and thrown away, spend no time on them, to me they were records of the past, they were treasures. Just tossing them out was like burying a corpse too quickly — rub your face against the cold skin, kiss the stony elbows, there is still majesty in that clay. People hate the body, especially those who praise the life of the mind. But even fingernails are miracles. Even odors. Everything of or in the body is a celebration of itself, even the worst is a holy prayer.

I found, as soon as he spoke, as I considered opening myself, I hated him again; I wanted to mention anything that would ruin his happiness. Like that, I brought up Evette and the night before it had been Wilma. Cocoa came out the building, pushing the glass door with power. Smiling.

— Your divorce come through? I asked.

He stopped, composed himself back to pleasure. — Today, a little boy was born.

— Yours? I thought it wasn’t for three or four more months. I was suddenly hopeful for the pain of something premature; I could talk to a man who was living through that kind of hurt.

— Not mine. Once a week I find out the name of a baby, a boy if I can, that was born. Newspaper, radio, Internet. This kid was born today, his father already posted pictures. Nine pounds seven ounces, man. Benjamin August something. He looked healthy. It’s good luck.

I laughed. — I bet that kid wasn’t born in the Bronx. If he was he’d have come out coughing. One fear of every South Bronx parent: asthma. It was enough to make Cocoa tap me one, hard, in the chest and I fell back onto a parked car. His child would be born in the Bronx, he didn’t want to be reminded of the dangers. I put my fists out, up. I’d been planning for this, not with him, but with someone. Had been eating calcium tablets every day, fifteen of them (student loan refund checks are a blessing), and now my bones were hard like dictionaries.

He didn’t hit anymore. It’s what I wanted.

Do you remember the hospital? Not torturous (well, maybe one time), no beatings though; it wasn’t even the drugs; try one word: boredom. You could move around but there was nothing to chase the mind, hardly even television if you weren’t always good. Just the hours that were eons sitting on a couch, a row of you, ten or twenty, no books, magazines too simple for the mildly retarded and your active mind leaps further and further over an empty cosmos, as lonely as the satellites sent to find life in the universe. But in there, at least, was when I’d realized how they waged their war, my enemies: through sockets and plugs, through a current.

We balanced on a corner as cabs passed by in yellow brilliance. It was late morning. I noticed how much energy was on: some streetlights never went off, people passing spoke on phones and the charged batteries glowed, radios came on and stayed on, computers were being run, every floor of every building. The taxi horns, engine-powered, began to sound like my name being called; I kept turning my head; the sounds bounced around inside my body, leafing through my bastard anatomy like I was a book of poems.

He spoke but the words were coming out of his mouth now all orange. I could see them, like the cones put out on the road at night to veer traffic away from a troubled spot. He said, — Look, let’s not get craz, uh, let’s not get agitated. I know someplace we could hang out. It’ll be real good.

The NYU banners flapped with the wind, loud enough to sound like teeth cracking in your head. And how many times had I heard that noise! Like in the last month maybe five; whenever the remote control wasn’t working or the phone bloopblopbleeped in my ear about no more Basic Service and I took each instrument between my teeth and bit down, trying to chew my anger out, that rage of mine which could take on such proportions.

Thought we’d catch the 4 to 149th and Grand Concourse — everybody out, everybody home. We could pass the murals of young men painted outside candy stores and supermarkets, where a thoughtful friend might have set out a new candle, where mourning seemed like a lifestyle. Instead we took the 6 and got out at 116th, walked blocks, then left, to Pleasant Avenue. My sister’s home.

Cocoa saw me turn, flinch like someone had set off a car alarm in my ear, but then he put his arm on my shoulder and pushed hard, said, — Come on. Keep going. Cocoa kept pushing until we got upstairs, to the door, green, on it the numbers had been nailed in and the air had oxidized their faux-gold paint into that blackened color so familiar to buildings across our income level. He rang the bell. (Are they artificially powered?) The sound was so shrill I guessed they were part of the enemy army. Our first battle, twelve years before in the drab brown medical ward, had been so quick I’m sure they’d thought I’d forget. But I’d squirmed after they set those wires against my little forehead, so when they flipped the charge that one time, the lines slipped and burned both cheeks black; years later the spots were still there.

She opened the door. The whole place was going: television, microwave, coffeemaker, VCR. Karen was surprised to see me, but still, expecting it in some way. She was used to this.

I went to the bathroom but didn’t shut the door. I filled my mouth with water and let it trickle out through my pursed lips, down into the toilet bowl so they’d think I was busy, held open the door some and my ears more:

Karen: How did you end up with him?

Cocoa: I ran into Sammy a few weeks ago, gave him my number, then he wouldn’t leave me alone.

Karen: You think he’s starting up?

Cocoa: I don’t know what else. It’s got to be. He hasn’t done this nonsense in years. He calls me one morning and in an hour he’s at my door, ringing the bell. I’m living with my girl’s family, you know? He started kicking the door if I didn’t answer. So I been with him three days.

Karen: You should have called me or something.

Cocoa: Called who? I wasn’t even sure if you still lived here. I got lucky you and your man didn’t get promoted or relocated. I called your mom but the number was disconnected.

Karen: She needed to get away.

Cocoa: Well, I know how she feels. You know I love that kid, but I can’t keep this up. My son is about to drop in a few months. I’m trying to take care of this school thing. He’s bugging, that’s all I can say.

Karen: You think you could help me out here, until Masai comes?

Cocoa: I can’t take five more minutes. I’m sorry Karen, I am, but I can’t be around him no more. I’m through.

I listened to him walk to the door, open and shut it quietly. That thing was a big metal one, if he’d just let it swing closed behind him it would have rattled and thundered, so my last thought of Cocoa was of him being delicate.

Washed my hands and crept out, pulled the door closed and left the light on so she’d think I was still in there and snuck into her bedroom. On the door was the family portrait everyone has from Sears. A big poster of my sister, her husband and that baby of theirs. My niece. There was enough daylight coming in from outside that I didn’t need the bulbs; besides, the light would have been like my rat-fink friend Cocoa, squealing to my sister about my goings-on.

There was a big bed in this big room, a crib in the corner, clothes in piles, just washed, on top of a long dresser. I walked to the crib and looked down at Kezia. She was wrapped up tightly, put to bed in a tiny green nightdress. Her diaper bulged and made noise when she moved. Dreaming little girl, she had dimples for laughing. I should have been able to make her smile even in her sleep.

From the hallway a slamming door, then, — Sammy? Samuel? Karen kicked into the room like a S.W.A.T. team. I looked, but she didn’t have a rifle. She flicked on the light and ran to me, but not concerned with me, looked down at Kezia and rolled her over, touched her face, pulled her up and onto Mommy’s shoulder. The big light shook Kezia into crying and it was loud, torturous. I laughed because my sister had done some harm even though there was love in it.

— What are you … is everything all right?

I looked at her and said, — Of course. I was just looking at my niece.

— You might have woken her up.

— Seems like you did that just fine, I told her.

Kezia turned toward me and then looked to her crib, twisted and latched on to it, pulled at that because she wanted back in. Karen finally acquiesced and returned her. The tiny one watched me, remembering, remembering and broke out in a smile. You know why kids love me so much? Because all kids are very, very stupid.

— She’ll never get to sleep now.

I thought Karen was wrong. I pointed. — Look at her eyes. She’s still drowsy. Kezia was looking at me, intently. I started rocking from left to right on the balls of my feet and Kezia mimicked me. She held the crib’s rail to keep her balance but when I leaned too far right she followed, tipped over on her side, huffed, grabbed the bars and pulled herself back up to try again. She made a gurgle noise and I returned it, she went louder and I went louder, she screamed and I screamed; Karen flopped back against her married bed, holding her face, laughing.

My hands went around Kezia’s middle, then I lifted her up as high as my arms would allow, brought her belly to my mouth and bit her there. She kicked her feet happily, caught me, two good shots right in the nose; that thing would be flaring up later. But she laughed and I did it again. I dropped her down two feet, quickly, like I’d lost my grip, and across her face came the look that precedes vomit, then a pause and like I knew it would, laughter.

Put her back in the crib and we returned to yelling, added movements with our hands and feet. Whenever I threw my palms in the air she did the same, lost her balance and fell backward; she lay there, rocking side to side so she could get some momentum for rising. I tickled her under the chin. We did it like this while Karen left the room and returned (repeat three times). Finally Kezia sat, watching me. I twirled in arms-open circles and she still had enough energy to smile, but not much else, and then she didn’t have energy enough even for that and she watched me, silent, as she lay on her back, then Karen had to tap my shoulder and shush me because the kid was sleeping.

The lights were still on: around the crib there were pictures taped up. Of our family and Masai’s, all watching over; the picture of me rested closer to Kezia than all the rest, but in it I was only a boy. Looking at my crooked smile I felt detached from that child — like we could cannibalize his whole life and you still wouldn’t have tasted me. Every memory would someday make the catalogue I kept in my room, eleven small green notebooks.

Me and Karen sat in the kitchen. She had been preparing dinner. I started making a plate. — Leave a lot for Masai. He’ll be home from work soon.

I covered all the pots and poured myself some berry Kool-Aid. Karen’s Kool-Aid was the only thing I would drink besides water. After I gulped I told her, — You need more sugar.

She sucked her teeth. — Masai and me decided we should still have teeth when Kezia gets to be seven. Karen finished her rice. You look awful, she said.

— Yeah, but I’ve always looked bad. You got the beauty and I got everything else.

She smacked me, gentle, across the chin. — I had my bachelor’s before you had been left back for the first time. Have you thought about coming to stay with us?

— I like where I’m at.

— You need to be around your family. You’re acting stupid out there.

— Whatever. I shrugged. You don’t know what I’m doing.

— I can see what you’re not doing: washing, changing your clothes. Probably not going to class.

— Man, I said. You don’t understand subtlety. You’ve got to bring these things up cool, easy, otherwise you’ll close all avenues of communication.

That’s how long she paused, watching me. Then she went to the fridge, found a green plastic cup. She put it on the table, sat, sounded stern, — How about you take the medication mixed with something? You still like it with orange juice? I’ll make it.

I looked at the cup, the white film on top, that clump and beneath it the actual Tropicana Original. There had been plenty at my apartment, taken regular for two years, on my own. But someday you want to rest. — How about you put some vodka in there?

On top of the fridge Karen had left a Tupperware bowl of the boiled egg whites she’d been cutting up for her next day’s meal. Even in the light blue bowl they seemed too bright. She wasn’t kidding around. — Drink it. You told us you would. You were doing so well.

— It makes my head feel like rocks.

— But at least it keeps you thinking right. Just drink this cup. It’ll be a new start. Come on.

See, but I was supposed to take that medicine twice a day, every day. She wanted me to drink this one glass and everything would go right but you can’t dam a river with just one brick.

I said, — Karen, you can’t stop the electric soldiers.

I was twenty-two years old and Karen was thirty. How long before it’s just frustration in her, screaming to get out, wishing whatever was the pain would go away.

— Can you? she asked.

Blissfully the goddamn fridge worked, I could hear its engine going, regular like a heartbeat, mumming along and I was so jealous. When I got up she draped herself across the table, spilling the juice and the orchids she had in a vase, the ones her husband had bought two days ago, purple like lips too long exposed to the cold.

It was lucky Masai was at work. I was much bigger than Karen and I could simply pluck her off my arm and leave, but if Masai had been there it would have gotten louder, the trouble in this kitchen would have been contagious, contaminating the living room, the bathroom, their bedroom. We would have been all over the place. But at some point, as I was tugging, she let go. She could fight harder, she had before. Her hands fell to her sides; she opened the door for me.

I had other people I could have seen, but I kept forgetting their addresses. I might have passed four or five out on Malcolm X Boulevard. Later, I walked by the mosque, the brothers in their suits and bow ties selling the Final Call; I wanted to buy one, help them out; walked over to a short one in a gold suit; he pushed me a paper like it would save my life. — Only a dollar.

— And what do I get? I asked.

— You get the truth. All the news the white media won’t show you.

I leaned close to him, he pulled back some. — You don’t know that all this stuff is past tense? I asked.

Now he looked away, to his boy at the other corner, in green, white shirt, black shoes, talking with two older women; each nodded and smiled, one brought out her glasses to read the headlines. — So you want to buy this or what? My friend held it out again, the other twenty copies he pulled close to his chest. I could see on his face that his legs were tired.

But for what would I be buying that paper? Or if a Christian was selling Bibles? Name another religion, I had no use for any. I wanted to pull my man close, by the collar (for effect) and tell him I knew of a new god, who was collecting everything he saw around him and stashing it in his apartment on Amsterdam Avenue; who walked home from the 1 train stealing bouts of Spanish being spoken in front of stores and when he came home prodigiously copied them down; who stole the remnants of empty beer bottles that had been shattered into thirty-seven pieces, took the glass and placed it in his living room, in a jar, with the greens and browns of others — in the morning he sat there and watched the fragments, imagined what life had come along and done such destruction.

Instead I walked backward until I got to a corner, hugged myself tight against a phone booth with no phone in it as the people swam around me and ignored everything but the single-minded purposes of their lives. After an hour was up my brain sent signals to my feet: move.

I stood in front of my apartment again, had a paper to hand in. Go upstairs and slide it in an envelope, address it to the woman who led my seminar on black liberation movements. The one who lectured me only when I missed class and never remembered to mark it in her book. The one who had assured me that if I wrote it all down this mind would be soothed, salvaged. One Tuesday (Tues. & Thur. 9:00–10:45 A.M.) she had pulled me aside when lessons were over, confided, — These days, the most revolutionary thing you can be is articulate.

I had told her honestly, — I’m trying. I’m trying.

I touched the front door before opening it. I’d been struck by the fear that the building was on fire; a church and a mosque had been burned recently. In the secret hours of night they’d been turned to ash and in the daylight their destruction was like a screaming message to us all. Had the door been hot I would have run farther than I needed to, but it was cold so I walked in.

The elevator was still broken. I had ten stories to climb; my legs felt stiff and proud. I moved effortlessly until I reached the sixth floor and Helena stopped me. She was with her girls, they were coming down the stairs. As pregnant as she was I knew the climb couldn’t have been easy, but the look on her face had nothing to do with exertion. It was all for me. — I was coming to talk to you Sammy, she said. Helena’s cousin Zulma stood beside me; she was so big I felt boxed in.

— You should be out looking for your man, I told Helena.

Zulma looked like she wanted to leave, bored, but was there to get her cousin’s back in case it was needed. If Helena had been alone I wouldn’t have had any problem kicking her in the gut and running. When she’d rumbled to the bottom of the stairs I would have crawled down beside her and in her ear asked, — Now tell me, what does this feel like? Tell me every detail.

— Why you causing so much problems? another of Helena’s girls asked, but I didn’t answer. Instead I told them one of my philosophies to live by. — I never tell a pretty woman I think she’s pretty unless we’re already holding hands.

Helena rubbed her face with frustration. — You need to leave Ramon alone. He’s good when he’s not around you. Her watch beeped, not loudly, but it echoed through the stairwell. Its face was glowing. Batteries gave it power.

— Have you been drafted too? I asked Helena.

— Fuck this, Zulma muttered, then her elbow was in my chest.

As the five girls got all over different parts of me I swung wild. Caught Zulma in the mouth and the first drops of blood on my face were hers. They were yelling as I kicked out with both legs. Then I was burning everywhere and I knew without looking that the off-silver colors in my eyes were the box cutters finding whole parts of me to separate. Fabric was tearing as they removed swatches of my clothing so they could get nearer to my skin. Zulma and Helena were at my face; neither of them smiled as they did the cutting. They didn’t seem angry. Their faces were so still.

I grabbed and reached for something, dipping my fingers in everything spilling out of me. The colors were hard to make out in the bad light, but the stuff was beautiful and thick, it pooled. The girls rose and ran; I listened to five sets of sneakers move quickly down those stairs to the emergency exit; the door swung out and stuck, there was the flood of an empty wind up the staircase.

getting ugly

For years I hoped I’d become a beautiful man, but by twenty-five it seemed the shit was not to be. Sitting down across from me, she said, — You know, you’re really ugly.

I smiled that way I do, big eyes and funny skin. — But I get pretty when the lights go out, I said, regretted it because we both knew I was lying.

She laughed then sipped from the tall foam cup of sugarcane lemonade and had to pucker her juicy lips to let the sweetness pass her jawline. She was not perfect-pretty, but she looked much better than me; the bags barely under her eyes were good.

Her girls were waiting together in a bunch like green bananas, each one firm if you squeezed and great to eat warm. They were all tight shorts and closed faces waiting for the right brother to get them open. One said toward us, but spoke at her, — Let’s go, Deidre.

Deidre turned back to me. — Since I was the one who stepped to you, why don’t I just give you my number.

I was glad and said so. — I’m never good at asking for the digits.

— I don’t need to know that, she said.

They had closed down Riverside Drive for the Jazzmobile. Doing that to a Manhattan street always seemed like such an impossible task, like asking your lungs to stop for a few minutes, every part of this island so essential. The guy on the drums was rolling into a little solo; music was the second-best reason to come to Grant’s Tomb this time of year.

Deidre wrote the numbers with flair; her name on the paper had the mark of someone who’d been into tagging up when she was younger — it was in the e’s and d’s. When she put the paper to me she said, — This is my number, not no pager. I was glad, I knew what it meant when a girl passed you her beeper number: you were assed out. I tried to say something smooth, but nothing was coming. When Deidre ran up on her girls, two of them looked back at me like I had done something wrong. I stared and smiled. In under a minute they’d be putting me down and laughing, but I was more than cool with that. I figured them all to be college women — Hunter, City.

At the Tomb, the Old Audience was stacked up. I found some concrete and sat my ass between two old men speaking on seeing Charles Mingus at the Blue Note, Bird before he’d thrown it all away. They were lying of course, but I enjoyed listening to them more than the sounds of people trading numbers and quick feels.

On the phone we were cool; talking for an hour, breezing by the simple early stuff. Deidre surprised me when she cut through all the bullshit to ask, — So are you just out for ass or what?

I laughed. Not that you-caught-me-type stuff, more like, damn straight. She said, — So at least we understand each other, right?

I was nodding for ten seconds before I remembered we were on the phone. — Yeah.

— You know my girls said you wouldn’t call.

I corrected her. — Your girls said I was one ugly motherfucker, and that you should hope I don’t call.

She laughed. — So I guess you know women pretty well, huh?

Sucking my teeth, I said, — I don’t understand a thing, but I make great guesses.

— So when are you taking me to lunch?

I asked, — Me? Take you?

You could hear her back straighten. — You do have a job, don’t you?

— Of course, of course. Do you? Wait, let me guess.

She listened.

— Clothes. You sell clothes.

She was applauding, it sounded distant through the phone. — How did you know?

— I saw you and your girls together, remember? That many pretty women and you either all met working at a clothing store or you’re a crew of strippers.

— Strippers?

I said, — I mean that as a compliment.

— Well, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard in a while.

I shrugged. — Wait till we spend more time together.

We met on a Saturday and she was looking just as great as she wanted to, which was pretty damn good. Her walking next to me as we talked and made for the train was causing people to stare and think, What the fuck is going on with these two? We got out at West Fourth, making maneuvers here and there. She asked me, — What’s your job? But I was quiet because the setting sun was sending out rays like an encore performance — with a flourish and an eye toward the audience.

— Well?

— Oh me? Computers.

She sighed. — What does that mean?

— I, you know, punch in information and all that. Data entry. Log in a lot of facts for a communications company.

She said, — You were wrong the other day. Selling clothes is one job, I go to school at Hunter too.

— That’s not work, I said. That’s why I didn’t mention it.

— You should see my classes and tell me that.

Then we were walking down the block. She stopped at those caravans of tables selling many stolen things: books, music, clothes. I half expected to find one table with twenty blends of weed laid out, but of course they were all selling that in little doses. After two blocks she was walking closer to me, getting angry. I asked, — What’s wrong?

— This is why I hate getting dressed up, she said.

— Did you think men were going to be able to ignore you? You know these guys would be in your grill if you were dressed like a fucking bum.

She nodded.

— What do you mean?

— You said it didn’t you?

I laughed. — How about a little modesty though? You know? Just a No they wouldn’t or something like that, damn.

Her smile wasn’t too wide, didn’t show too many teeth, that thing should have been worth a lot of money. — But you were right, she said.

— See, that’s why I talk to only one beautiful woman at a time. More than that I think I’d die. Man wasn’t meant to breathe the thin air at the top of your ego.

— Yeah, she said, like you don’t have one.

— But I have the decency to have no apparent reason for it.

She shook her head. — But you’re a guy, that’s the way it works.

We stopped at the Benetton shop, brightly lit even during the day. Most Manhattan stores had taken on the character of Manhattan the way little brothers worship the older — in imitation. They were not exactly pretty, most stores, but they were so charming, each in a way. This is not a libel, every date I’d ever had was based on the same principle.

— So, she said as we moved again. What do you do well?

— I can do plenty. I smiled. I suppose there was a leer mixed in.

She rolled her eyes. — You’re not going to start talking about sex are you? I was actually enjoying being with you.

— Sex? Me? No, I was going to say I keep my apartment really clean.

She waved off my lies. We passed the skateboard kids in front of and inside McDonald’s doing their thing — ten of them nursing one bag of fries. The funny guard in his deflated uniform stood three feet away, counting down each fry so he’d know when they were gone and start shouting, — Buysomethingorgetout! Buysomethingorgetout!

— Wouldn’t it be great if this was how it would always be?

She looked at me. Behind her the NYU buildings were sprawled out all over concrete.

— What are you talking about? she asked me.

— I don’t know. I waved my hand. All of this.

At her apartment that night she was cooking so rough that she cursed at the frying pan and sweat ran across the back of her neck. From the living room I could watch her perspire, that’s how small the place was. Mine was worse; in the paper they listed the kind of apartment I rented under “charming.”

Her walls were covered with white paint, almost an old egg shell’s tired gray, and little else; I was glad because I was tired of people’s entire interesting lives spread out like a peep show. She took a while to calm down; when she looked at me the smell of her food came like a good comforter — got me warm and sleepy. I walked toward her; outside, a train was making noise; down on the street someone was playing music, the radio balanced on a car hood. I started dancing.

— At least you dance well. But it looks a little simple.

I laughed as I worked. — You know how hard it is to make this look easy? You’re witnessing magic here. I turned to her as she sliced at some green peppers; she put her back into it. Deidre laughed while feeding me a piece. As she ate some, her lips chewing looked so good I just had to take that first kiss; she put her hand on my chest. She turned her face. — Let’s eat.

I sat. She set out the meal. — So you still just out for ass?

— No doubt, I said. Of course. Why?

She ate some of the fish. — I’m saying, I see you getting all sweet on me.

I shook my head deliberately. — I think you’ve got that backward.

— Okay, she said. Sure.

Then Deidre was on the goddamn phone with me and I had to watch the digital lines on the clock for sixty seconds, it was really two in the morning — a week since we’d had dinner at her house. I had to touch my face to make sure I was the man saying, — It’s okay, when she apologized for calling in the middle of good sleep. What’s the problem?

Her voice was achy, like not in a good way. She wasn’t answering my question when she spoke. I told her, as I rested my foot flat against the wall, — I bet you have a sweet singing voice.

— You don’t have to try and say nice things like that anymore. I already like you.

I thought, Okay.

— From my window, she said, I can see New Jersey.

— I know good people out in Jersey.

— Women?

— I know some women in Jersey, I agreed. My room in the dark was someplace different from the spot I lived in when the sun was up. In a way, I hadn’t lied to her that day we met, I was prettier in the dark, or I pretended to be. When you become an adult you accept what makes you wonderful and, if lucky, what falls short. Like my face, I was still very happy with the package, but in the dark the fun is that you can be anything. Why not pretty? That was only sometimes anyway. Other nights, alone or with company, in the shadows I was a crocodile or a ring-tailed lemur. I answered before she needed to ask, No, I have not slept with all of them.

— Only fucked them, right?

— No semantics please. Most of those women have never seen me naked.

— I see, she whispered. So they’re the lucky ones.

I brought my feet across the wall, left foot close to the pipe that ran bright-hot and could burn your skin quick with just a touch. As I spoke to Deidre I tested myself, seeing how close I could come without getting my toes baked. I said, — I’m a man who lives on the edge of danger.

She cleared her throat. — You are a man who puts numbers in a computer.

— Yeah, but they’re big numbers. Really big.

Deidre blurted out, — My brother got his car stolen. Out in Long Island, you believe that? Long Island is where you go to get away from that shit.

I laughed, made a bad joke.

She was on the other end of the line saying nothing; I was being funny and she was taking her brother’s loss to heart. She said, — So I just heard about it and then, it’s pretty stupid, but I got nervous. I wanted to hear that you were okay.

— I’m fine, I assured her. I caressed the phone with my fingertip like that would calm her down. You know, from my window, I can only see three stars.

She asked, — How many did you think you would see? This is Manhattan.

I shrugged. — I figured at least one constellation.

— Okay Copernicus, she sighed.

We were slow to hang up, but in that time we didn’t say more.

——

Wednesday and she had no classes, no work. I left early to meet her for lunch. The last thing I was doing when she told me she was free was filing report number DS-1771 from the Federal Communications Commission, it was exactly a year old, the information, that’s how far behind our office was. But I left anyway and in twenty-five minutes Deidre and I were walking to a pizza shop in El Barrio; that seemed like a shame so I dragged her to Cuchifritos instead. I watched her face and the people around us; everyone looked great, even the ugly people. It’s the truth, I was comparing myself to some of the worst mugs on the block and coming up short. This fact wasn’t destroying me. Any man who could be unhappy walking with Deidre deserved a stoning. I was not winning that lottery.

She stopped walking and turned to me. Her thick braids were long, swinging into her eyes; the whole thing could have been a movie poster. Whatever she was about to say, I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want any of this cool shit between us now, no mood for humor. I opened my arms and pulled her close to me, held her tight enough that she might remember the grip for a long time.

When we walked into the restaurant I ordered some chicken and pork; yeah, that’s right, some motherfucking pork. I sat at the counter while she slid right to get some drinks; when she sat back down we were still quiet. Finally she said, — I like watching people walk by.

I nodded. — Me too.

It was the middle of the afternoon; so many people rushed past outside that it was hard to make one person solid, turn our attention to him. Across from the restaurant a storefront was being redone, blue canvas flaps hung down over the windows, they were still open for business. I pointed. — What kind of store do you think that is?

She was eating, but talked with her mouth full, that’s how great she was. — I don’t know, she said. A stationery store? Magazines?

I smiled. — Maybe, but look, it’s only men going in and out of there.

— Oh, you’re right. And ugly ones.

I laughed happily. — I bet you could picture me coming out of somewhere like that.

She looked at me.

— No, she said. I couldn’t.

slave

Rob eats pussy like a champ.

He’s on awful knees that should have been turned in months ago; they are now numb. He should be getting ready for school; tenth grade is usually the age of football teams and part-time work.

She says, — Don’t stop, through those teeth so white Rob was sure they were caps when he met her in front of the Disney store in Times Square and Andre was across the street in his jacket blue like veins, gesturing to her, Rob’s customer. There’s a lamp on the nightstand, weak and sputtering light.

Outside the sun is a rumor; maybe in one hour it’ll be up and they have been on that bed together for much longer. He has been doing the same thing continuously, except for breaks when it’s understandable that muscles tire and freeze; then he drinks handfuls of cold, cold water from the sink in the bathroom.

— Don’t you fucking stop.

She has soft skin everywhere and does nothing he might call work. This woman doesn’t have rough fingers like secretaries who must type and dial phones all their lives or lawyers who look tired and must win every argument; not even models who are so pretty, or pretend to be, that they would never have to pay for an ugly little kid to eat their pussies. Her legs and thighs are draped over his shoulders, her ass somewhere in that space between him and the bed; he wants to tell her that his shoulders hurt, but will he?

No.

In front of Disney, Rob had moved to touch her face, but the collar of her jacket was pulled up and flopping like mud flaps. She had to speak to him through them, saying, — It’s so windy out. She stepped away. — Sure, Rob said.

Then on the train they were moving fast, it was nighttime. When he asked, — So how’d you meet Andre? she pulled something invisible up between them.

After the Columbia University stop their car and all the ones trailing and leading were just mobile testaments to the lingering effects of miscegenation.

Eventually, the train rumbled and stopped and jerked forward; he touched her arm. — Let’s go. In the air Spanish was being spoken. Rob took her to the same motel as his men, walked the same path; he could see his footprints in the concrete.

On the bed, backed against the headboard, her thighs ache; she rubs them, tells Rob they hurt, but he wants to laugh because he’s still on his knees, afraid to stand; his body is assuring him it will not work. His mouth is a wound that should be left to heal, but there is her purse next to the bed, pregnant with bills rolled into a rock. He has four twenties, a ten and a five in his coat that she’d peeled off earlier and even in the way she tossed them to him there was the promise of much more.

He rises but his body has forgotten how to stand; he falls back against the wall and is lying there beside the door with his legs finally straight; blood is pumping and life is returning; his feet twitch as though they’re being resurrected. — Come here, she says, but his hand’s up, begging for some rest. Her face, for a few moments, betrays her, there is some warmth and sympathy, she does not wish Rob any pain. She does not have children. Waiting, she tries to imagine what she’d have served a baby for breakfast that morning, how she would have spoken to convey her love. You ever have a girl? she asks. That you liked, I mean.

— Why?

She shrugs. — Just wanted to know. Wanted to hear about it.

On the walk to the motel she had finally looked at him. — You are young, aren’t you?

He smiled. — As young as you want. Then he ran his hands across his chin and neck and all the places where he had, just that morning, run the razor and swept away all signs that he had aged past thirteen. Later, in the room, he moved his hands down his slight neck, over his stomach, under his balls, looked at her, saying, — Smooth.

— Like a little, little boy. She said this while touching her tummy.

She sat in that room alone with him and didn’t check the closet or push open the bathroom door (just in case) because she had trust packed tight in her purse next to the money and a.38. The first thing she said to him was, — I’ll give you ten dollars if you let me do this. Rob took the money, then she emptied the gun, slid the barrel into his mouth. For five more dollars he let her pull the trigger twice. The hollow clicks made him giggle.

Rob had had a girlfriend, two years before; he was fourteen and she was twelve. But when he and Inca got together he lost fascination quick because already her pussy was all used up. That was how he felt and when he asked her about it she laughed, said, — You’ll find out how when that asshole’s all fucked up.

And she was right.

Soon she had to leave because Rob was always trying to put fire to things — like her. She broke out finally when he set his own right foot to burning, just to make his friends laugh. She was saying, — If you’ll do that shit to yourself, I don’t know what the fuck you’ll do to me.

Healing was tough and peeling skin is ugly, but Rob’s girlfriend looked worse, had that face like she and a train had gone at it, does it really matter who won? He was dumb and thought he could do better so he drove her away on purpose, but who knew after that that nights and days would just be business, business, business?

Inca knew that even from a distance her young skin looked withered and loose on her bones and still she expected you to treat her nice. She demanded it. If not, she was gone, no question.

What he missed most, she could talk this talk, knew this language that was from somewhere before Spain landed ships and Spanish cut out more natural tongues; it was hard to hear her speak like that, Rob was jealous; when she spoke, it seemed as though she had her own good and wonderful time machine.

— Do you want to make more money? she asks Rob.

— Of course. What do you want to do?

She pulls the covers up around her like a robe. He wonders what her sheets look like at home. — Let me see your dick.

Everything is quiet while he pulls down his underwear, then quiet for longer. He looks down. — What’s wrong?

— Nothing. Nothing.

— Is there something wrong with it?

— No, it’s not that. I just haven’t seen many up close but my husband’s.

— He make his different?

— No. She scratches her stomach. No, no.

— Forty to fuck. Rob touches his legs, still not quite alive.

— Forty?

— Yeah.

— Forty?

— Come on. Do you want to or not?

— Hey! she snaps. Don’t forget who’s got the money.

He can’t. He says, — Sorry.

She is smiles again. — You remind me of a boy I used to like. He had a body like yours. Do you play sports?

— Yeah, he says, moves closer. I fuck.

— Okay, she sighs. Enough talk.

— Money first. Rob exposes his palm to her face. The four tens are smooth and new like the others had been; he can picture her at the ATM right before she got on the Long Island Rail Road, the honey-sweet sound of the money flipping out in bundles.

— I have to use a condom, he says and even her blood is glad he brought it up.

He wraps one around his dick. But what about the times when there was nothing latex available and he used cellophane bags and then Scotch tape and then — most often — nothing? It has been sore for weeks or maybe months and could it be longer than that?

When he gets to the bed he bumps the nightstand, moves the whole thing. It seems to her that lamp will spill over and singe; she moves her hands to catch it, but he does nothing because it’s nailed down, wouldn’t move if something divine came in and tried to displace it. His hands are around the base of his dick, trying to strangle it so the blood can’t escape. But it does.

— How long have you been doing this?

He wants to do something to her with his fists. — Long time, he promises. Wait, there it is. He comes toward her, but with each step air leaks out like an old balloon.

She says, — So is this like a cab? Even the time we’re sitting still the meter’s running?

He’s got nothing to say, he’s watching himself; keeping it stiff is like balancing a tray of dishes on one hand and walking them across a stage, a comedy act. — It’s gone. Rob does not complain, his mouth and body are mostly tired of the taste and shape and force of dicks and the men that own them. Being with a woman is a treat. Rob gets down on knees, prods tongue out with fingers, stays this way for the long hours ahead.

——

In the midmorning they say good-bye. Before she leaves there is a promise: that she will call Andre, ask for him. He nods. — Don’t forget my name.

— Rob, she says and it almost sounds nice.

All the money she’d paid is lodged in his underwear. As he walks away, the stiff bills cut against one leg; he walks with a hitch like some old cowboy. A two-hundred-dollar limp. But it’s all for Andre. When Rob gets back to the apartment that five people share, there will be no negotiation, only Andre’s underfed palm. Maybe if he’s fortunate he’ll be given twenty dollars, or forty, enough to buy some magazines or go to a movie, but only if the whole apartment is in a good mood; there, generosity is an occasion.

You will find ways to save yourself. This is relative: save.

Rob’s been at this long enough to have radar; a crowded hall has its interested and they can find one another. Those who weathered the Holocaust have been known to find a fellow fortunate survivor at the other end of a restaurant.

Because he’s tired, Rob feels bold; he is most ready for a change just before the trip home, the emptying of his coffers. The Port Authority pizza shop, on the subway level, has a court of white plastic seats and tables. Rob has spotted the man from four hundred feet; Rob has come closer to be more sure. Passes by, four times, slowing progressively, thinking: Notice, notice. But the man, he loves his pizza, soda too. So Rob passes by three more times, decreasing his pace more until, with his arms stretched forward, Rob could be Boris Karloff’s mummy chasing Abbott and Costello through a tomb.

— Why don’t you go away or sit down? The man finally asks, leaning back in his chair.

Rob finds speed again, comes around the short railing. Sits. — Nice to see you.

— No it isn’t, says Harrold, who tells the truth. He is much too thin, you can’t hide any secrets in a body like that. And his mustache is long, a U turned over his lips, hanging down. Gray. On his cheeks and neck more hair grows in, enough to unsmooth the skin, but it will never be a beard. His fingers are slim but the tops are fat bulbs. The nails are dirty. I drive a truck, he explains.

— You take a lot of coke? Rob smiles, earnestly asks.

He laughs, and the teeth are bad, dull. — Not so much anymore. I don’t meet boys like this, really.

Rob nods, he loves the liars, leans forward and tries for sultry. — Then how do you meet them, really?

Harrold coughs on some crust causing clutter in his throat. — I didn’t mean it like that.

Behind them are the young women and men, a few years older than Rob, standing in a long and winding cord before they buy their tickets for Greyhound buses; upstairs the same line exists for Short Line tickets and this is the painted pattern many mornings. These young people are on their way back to college, the names stitched across their sweatshirts Rob’s first, best clue; some are with their parents, but most are with the people they call Honey or Sweetheart, then kiss quickly and, with a jumble of sad and happy, watch the bus make concrete the distances between them. Rob turns back to Harrold. — Leaving isn’t always sad. It can be a good thing.

Harrold doesn’t understand he’s being given a hint, a suggestion, but he nods because he is polite enough and Rob is pretty, which always coaxes manners from the worst of men. He asks, — So, how does this work? You want to go to the bathroom or something?

There is an information booth, empty, twenty feet away. The lights are off, glass on all sides, there is no mistaking the vacancy, but people still walk to it, stand there expectantly. As though their need for something is enough to make it appear. As though you don’t have to put in any effort. Rob knows better, you have to work things. — We could do that. If that’s all you want.

— What else? Harrold asks, touching his pocket. You selling vacuum cleaners too?

Anxious. Anxious. Rob does not want another night in the room he shares with three other boys, the way wind seeps through the window frame despite the black tape Rob has put up as insulation. He is desperate. He offers, — I can cook.

Again, Harrold’s coughing. He’s a shy one, it won’t work to be dirty or prurient, that will not coax charity, affection. Women are used to this, the way they sometimes have to set it all up before their date will reach out and hold hands. It can be playful, it can be infuriating: leaning close, smiling often, brushing near, grabbing elbows. But it can be done. Rob says, — My biscuits are nice. My mother taught me how to make them. Or cinnamon French toast, I know how to do that too.

Harrold’s legs are long and, while his upper half leans back, far, they reach forward. He is conscious of it, but not in control. They would not listen if they could. He touches the insides of his boots to the out-sides of Rob’s sneakers. Harrold says, — I live alone. But he had not meant that to come out; internal monologue, not for Rob. Harrold, embarrassed, sits up quick, pulling his feet back from their foreplay. Someone younger, less experienced, would have jumped on the admission, but Rob pretends he hears nothing. He says, — I want to get some soda.

— I’m not paying for it, Harrold burps, quickly, like he’s caught Rob at something.

Rob laughs easy. — I don’t want you to. I have money, I just want to know if you’ll stay here.

— And if I won’t?

— Then I’m not moving.

Harrold dips his head. — Sorry, I didn’t mean anything. I’ll wait.

Rob walks, careful not to wiggle or strut, so when Harrold looks, and he will look, he’ll see a boy, with a gentle limp. Rob does not romanticize it with emphasis.

— I’m not gay, Harrold explains when Rob returns.

He nods. — Me neither. Rob reads; in other places they will eat bugs for food, the will to survive so strong; Rob understands them.

— I’m Harrold, with two r’s.

— That’s weird.

— Telling me? Two of anything in your name and people think you’re strange. Just your name can make people call you a monster, low.

— My name’s simple: Rob. Want some? He lifts the drink and gestures like it’s a gift or a secret to share.

Harrold stands, walks away. Nothing said. He creeps off to the newsstand, goes around to the far end so Rob will think he’s left altogether. Rob has spent some of the two hundred for the drink, just a dollar, but accounting is Andre’s passion. Rob looks around, agitated, for a purse, a man not watching his pants pockets, a way to replenish that one bill. The fluorescent lights live on, unaware of what and whom they illuminate; they are just a mechanism. Rob begins to weep. He’s exhausted, had really thought Harrold was it. At least momentarily, someone who’d take him in. He should have at least gone for the blowjob, that’s twenty all for yourself, off the books. He gulps his soda but there is too much ice, the drink cold enough to awaken the nerves of his teeth, too easily roused. They flare, grouchy yawns. Rob eats soft things because he’s brittle. He loves ice cream despite the temperature; the occasional pint of vanilla-chocolate-cookie-dough is an exercise in gratification and self-flagellation.

Harrold then returns like he wants to be: a hero. — Why the tears? I just went to get a pack of gum.

— Oh. Rob grins. Can I have a piece?

Harrold has lied, has bought nothing. He feels stupid in front of this kid.

Rob asks, — Are you going to sit back down? He shifts in his seat as the older man comes back around. He touches his face, rubs the skin and pats down his hair because when he gets tired age grows in like a beard. What does this guy like? Young and stupid? Young and mean? All the variations, they go through Rob’s computer; how to convince this man to take him along, it doesn’t matter where. It begins to confuse Rob and when confused he taps his legs with his hands but knows that annoys others so he tries to stop but then only taps more. In a panic he blurts out, I can be really beautiful.

— Huh?

— You could put me in a dress. Or anything. Whatever you like. I’ll make you dinner or lunch like that, dressed up. I wore makeup before, I know how to make it look real nice. I could be your pretty young wife. Rob is sobbing, biting his lip, but not yelling, it is ingrained that, in this world, you keep things quiet. I don’t care, whatever you like.

Harrold finds his courage. Evaluates the boy: small shoulders, little hips, nice mouth, he will be gorgeous; and look at him, he’s terrified. Abject fear can breed a kind of loyalty. And it can be arousing.

They walk near each other but not together; like the old idealized wife Rob trails back five feet, out of deference, gratitude. Upstairs they leave the Port Authority, walk until they reach the garage where Harrold hands a short man a ticket, when the car comes, a tip. Rob walks ten feet of sidewalk, then waits for the blue Chevy Corsica. When he gets in, Harrold’s pants are already mostly down. Rob goes to touch him but is brushed away. — Not yet, Harrold says. Tell me something. He begins a self-caress. Tell me something bad.

When Rob started, working, was on his own, before Andre had pulled him over in Washington Square Park, asking, — You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing, do you? Before Kim had him posing for pictures for men in apartments and homes; before the five of them had come together, four to work (Rob, Kim, Caps and Monty) and one to manage (Andre), prior to all that Rob made money where he could, a freelance man — most often in the lovely public bathroom or pacing through Central Park in the areas under bridges, dark tunnels that hid men needy and willing to pay someone so young.

After he had made his money (however) Rob rode subways for long hours, a stretch to last days, only sometimes getting off (pick a station, any station) to find a storefront, bought ten or twenty candy bars that he would then carry in a sock he never wore (wouldn’t even wipe up with it). While reriding the trains, after booty was bought, the lights above your head were hypnotic if you laid back and watched; eventually you saw the way they dimmed and brightened, dimmed and brightened (you’re getting sleepy) and before this brought him into a trance, Rob would dig into his sock, that sock, and bring forth one candy bar, eat it in two bites, the sugar dancing in his system, and watch the lights some more. For a year.

The Verrazano Narrows Bridge is impressive. It costs seven dollars. The thing is all fogged up so that when they cross into Staten Island it seems like one of those enshrouded areas in movies. A crush of cars returning home like the two of them. Harrold touches the rearview mirror and twists it until he can see himself.

— You look nice, Rob assures, but the man has grown beyond some vanities. The land is green and gray, white paint divides the lanes. They take the third exit, ride along a minor curve as they merge with the traffic on Clove Road. Now Rob sees buildings: the stores in strips that could be the signs of a civilization gearing up or winding down. They pass homes in rows sitting on very slight hills, many tilted in odd directions, as though something has set them out quickly, in a rush to leave. Some children are more careful with their toys.

Harrold asks, — You want to see where the ferry comes in? He says it like this will be impressive.

Rob doesn’t think he’ll care but soon he’s excited. Down by the ferry is the closest this island comes to being a city. Rob doesn’t think this borough is dying to industrialize and overpopulate. While Manhattan often seems to cry, Colonize me! along its overcrowded pores, this whole land shrugs at the idea. At times it even turns its back.

Rob fidgets and opens the glove compartment. Various papers and empty packs of gum are crushed by a clear plastic bag of egg yolks, twenty or thirty. He pulls them into his lap. They are greenish along with the more customary yellow. They have not gone bad. Rob opens the Ziplocked top and inhales the strong smell. He takes one out, it is flaky in his hands and weak, the ball crumbles. Rob chucks it all in his mouth and chews. He licks his palm.

— That’s mostly all I eat, Harrold explains.

— You ate pizza.

— I said mostly.

Rob shakes the bag. — I could make you better things than this.

Harrold grins. — I’d like that. But those are still good. The yolk is the brain of the egg. He taps the steering wheel with the index finger of the hand that steers.

— I would have said the heart, Rob says.

Harrold shakes his head. — Eggs have no heart. Just the shell, the whites and those. You peel away and finally get down to the real life of the whole thing. I think it’s amazing really, how they planned it out so well.

— Who?

— Who? God. Don’t you know that?

Rob nods along, but doesn’t get it. He is pretty sure this whole egg metaphor is being taken much too seriously.

— Secession? Rob points to the visor on his side that he’s pulled down to check his face, but instead of a mirror there is a sticker: silver background, black letters and a little boat at the right end.

— Secession, Harrold agrees, twists in his seat.

— I know that word, but not what it means.

— These days? Harrold spits. Nothing. Not one damn thing.

Rob shakes his head. — No, come on. What, really?

Harrold gestures with his hands for an effect, but what kind even he can’t say. — It means when someone decides they want to be on their own. That they want to live on their own, in peace.

They wait at a light. Rob grins to Harrold and announces, — Then I’m in secession!

Harrold laughs loud and hops in his seat as much as he can and still drive. — That sounds good to me, Rob, real good. I don’t have much food in the house. You eat a lot?

— At least a little.

— Yeah. Okay then. Harrold pulls his Corsica in front of a convenience store. The only move he makes is to pull his pants down again. It is daytime. You can do better than that last one. I don’t care about you riding on trains. You want some food, give me something worse. The street, tell me about that kind of stuff. He holds himself in anticipation.

— You could save it, Rob had been told before they got in the car.

This was so long ago. He doesn’t really remember their faces, he’s not good with those, not names either, but give him maps to decode, addresses — anything with numbers. If he knows to memorize it, then he can say it to himself four times and the information will never be forgotten.

— You could save it, Rob had been told before the three of them got in the car. You keep the atlas.

He held the map, got the front seat. Next to him the driver was his father, checking to see if they’d packed properly. It was as if they’d been evicted, all Rob’s things were in two boxes. A day later they found a small blue lake, tossed in Rob’s pants, shirts, socks and books; his dad promised, — Forget all those old things. We’re going to get you better stuff. In the back, his mother had brought sandwiches.

In the navigator’s seat, Rob was Direction Man, calling out the proper interstate numbers, the right exits. They had said to him, over a dinner of thin chicken, bread, in a rest-stop McDonald’s, — Okay then, you choose where we go. And Rob had, for two nights, surveyed the atlas of the entire country with painful delicacy. He’d traced the red lines leading from home to everywhere; finally he came to his parents and said, — Let’s go to New York, they make Sno-Kones there.

To pass time they played a game: after eating, his father and mother climbed in the car, that old thing, and told him to stand there and count to one hundred. When he began, the car got going, off, away, gone. By forty-five, the first time, Rob was quivering, at eighty-two he was in tears, but they were back by ninety-seven, hugging him, caressing his little head. Laughing. Telling him that he looked silly. — Stop making a big deal. We were just playing. Each next place they made him count higher, one hundred twenty-five, one-fifty, three hundred.

It did get fun to wait and see how close to the number they could come. At four hundred fifty they were late and Rob kept counting, he got to five hundred before they were back. His dad told him, — We were seeing if you were going to cry! and pointing at him and grinning. And Rob said, — Nah, I wasn’t scared.

— You could save it. She pointed to the map again, before only two of them got back in the car. Rob stood on a block he’d know as years went by, in Manhattan, with buildings that go up and up, then more. They had pressed the atlas in his hand, they had started the car, they’d said, — Okay, count to one thousand. He stopped at one thousand four hundred ninety-one. He waited.

Harrold gets out. Rob has cleaned a mess with his shirt, which was off and is now on again. He flaps it with two fingers, the window open, so the cool air can come in and dry things. Harrold returns, opens the car door and takes his keys out of the ignition. Rob feels lightheaded and when he feels like that he is the prettiest thing on two feet, including all those agile birds. He is giddy. In his back pocket, folded into a thick square, is the cover of the atlas he’d been given, the rest ripped in a rage by Andre one afternoon. He takes it out, holds it over his mouth like a CB radio and speaks into it like there’s a direct connection to his family. He believes they want to hear from him. He assures them, — Harrold seems nice.

Harrold is back at the car door, two plastic bags in one hand as a cop car pulls in two spaces away. There are no vehicles between them. Harrold pops the unlock button, then opens the back door. He doesn’t notice the officer. Rob looks over to the fat young man in his uniform sitting with his head back, hat off, engine still on, both idling; the rims are filthy and the bottom four inches of both doors he can see. Harrold gets in the car but has forgotten his keys. Finally he notices Rob intently staring and runs back to the store, but slow enough to avoid suspicion.

Eventually the officer looks left, to Rob, who still watches. The young man nods and smiles but Rob sits cold-faced and unwavering, long enough for the cop to shrug, open his car door and walk inside. He and Harrold do not pass each other on the way out, they are in the store together. The place has a fruit stand but displays only tomatoes and bananas. The bananas are divided evenly between too green and too brown. The tomatoes are smallish but not meant to be; they look hard, even from the car, and it is doubtful those things have a swallow of cool pulp in them. They are sour.

Rob decides that whoever exits first, Harrold or the cop, he will go with him. He does not love Harrold and the police can also take him someplace different from the apartment he shares with Andre and the others. A group home. He has been in them before, briefly, repetitively. Eight months ago he was in one and contacted by his family, an aunt, who told him that his mother and father were all cleaned up. At any time, he could return. She gave him their new address. At the place, his counselors gathered before him once a week with notepads, an audience, wanting to hear his whole life explained. Harrold was like this. The cop would be too, he would need to hear of Rob’s days for his reports: juvenile crimes, those kinds of records. They can’t get too many stories, most people, and always they demand: worse, worse. As though the more fucked-up meant the more authentic. They are slaves to this idea.

In the only letter he wrote home, Rob told himself to dispense with lying. Why make anything up? If being honest, life in New York is as mundane as anyplace else. The strangeness, the terror and joy of selling your ass, subsides. Eventually you can’t remember which of the things you do would be called wrong by your mother and father now and inadvertently you’ll mention that when you first started working your butt bled again and again. The only correspondence you’ll receive will be from your father, saying you’re an awful son for making up stories to hurt your mother. Still, he will have put forty dollars in with his harsh words. It will be a sign of his renewed goodness and love when this happens. But you, if you’re Rob, will no longer be sure of those realities and will instead wonder if the money is your father’s way of hinting that he wants you to come home, so he can try you out.

ancient history