The K-Y Warriors

“Grandma Gina’s fridge runs without being plugged into the electricity,” Tommy Beveridge said, casually throwing the remark into a discussion about machines in general and the workings of the internal combustion engine in particular.

Willett Morris smiled indulgently at his nephew. “Some fridges run on gas.”

“Yes, but she hasn’t got gas.” Tommy spoke with the assurance of a precocious eleven-year-old. “Grandma Gina is all-electric.”

“Then her fridge must be plugged into the mains.” Willett switched from car engines to the principles of refrigeration, determined to educate the boy into seeing how nonsensical his statement had been. But Tommy soon exhibited signs of boredom, darted out of the garage/workshop and began pursuing the butterflies that twinkled over the lawn. Willett was disappointed, thinking it a shame that nobody else in the family appreciated the beauty inherent in even the simplest machines.

He shook his head, returned to the workbench where—just for the sheer pleasure of it—he was rewinding a washing-machine motor, and the snippet of conversation quickly faded from his mind. It had seemed pointless and inconsequential in the extreme, and when he recalled it many months later it was unrecognisable as a prelude to sudden death.

There had been times, right at the beginning of Muriel’s driving instruction, when Willett had believed himself to be enduring the worst extremes of misery and fear.

To take but one example, there had been the business of her control—or lack of control—of the clutch pedal. That period had lasted for a couple of months, and during it Muriel had, when trying to move off from standstill under the slightest hint of strain, simply taken her foot off the pedal and allowed it to spring up. Each time the car had bucked to a self-damaging halt and Willett, visualising shock waves racing through the transmission, had waited with sick apprehension for the metallic thunk and sudden roar of a freed engine which would have signalled a broken half-shaft. It had seemed miraculous to him that no component had ever actually failed, although he had no doubt that the car’s mechanical life had been drastically shortened.

At least twenty times he had taken a deep breath and, while stoically staring straight ahead, had said, “You must bring the clutch pedal up slowly.”

“There was a lorry coming,” Muriel would say. “I had to get away quickly.”

And at least twenty times Willett had replied, “Forgive me for being so dense about these things—but how does stalling the engine aid a quick getaway?”

The sarcasm had never had any noticeable effect.

Then there had been the occasions when, with a dangerous obstacle looming directly in front, he had snapped out the order to brake and had experienced an exquisite and soul-withering dread as the car had continued on its way, direction and speed unaltered, with Muriel apparently in a trance. The frenzied uncontrollable stamping of his right foot on a non-existent brake pedal at his side of the car had always startled her into last-instant action, followed by tears and recriminations about his lack of consideration for her nerves.

In retrospect those incidents, so harrowing at the time, were seen to be trivial and almost amusing—for now Muriel had progressed to driving in traffic. And, what was much worse, she had acquired a totally unwarranted confidence.

Please hurry up, Willett thought as he leaned against the car and surveyed the deepening colours of the sky. It was late on an April afternoon and he wanted the day’s lesson to be completed before darkness fell, otherwise the risks to the vehicle and its occupants’ health would be greatly increased. He glanced towards the house and detected a blurry movement behind the pebbled glass of the hall window which told him that Muriel was on the phone to her mother or one of her sisters. A good two hours had passed since the five women had met over tea and scones, and therefore it was necessary for them to be brought up to date on each other’s activities before Muriel could leave the house.

Trying to control his impatience, Willett used the toe of his shoe to decapitate a small weed which had had the impertinence to thrust up through the gravel of his drive. What was it that Muriel had accomplished in the course of the afternoon which was so important that tidings of it had to be electronically circulated with the expensive help of British Telecom? All he had noticed her doing was giving the shower curtain its weekly wash. The curtain was a sheet of pink plastic whose sole function in life was to withstand repeated dousings with hot soapy water. At regular intervals Muriel decided it needed revivifying, a goal she sought to achieve by putting it in the Hotpoint and dousing it with hot soapy water.

Willett had long since given up criticising the procedure on the advice of Hank Beveridge, who had been married to Yvonne, the youngest of Muriel’s three sisters. “You’ll never win that kind of argument,” Hank had counselled, “and your health will only suffer if you try. Hypertension, old son! That’s the way women get you, you know. They kill you by making you kill yourself.”

Willett still missed Hank for his black humour and cynical wryness, even though in the weeks before his death he had shown distinct signs of progressing beyond the socially acceptable degree of neuroticism. At lunchtime on most Sundays the two had met at the Rifleman’s Armss—a pub which was equidistant between their homes and mercifully free of juke boxes and games machines—and had spent pleasurable hours in conversation. Declining standards in just about everything had been a favourite topic, and the essential strangeness of the female mind had been another.

“It’s hard to find a fresh egg in my house,” Hank had once said. “And do you know why? Yvonne refuses to keep them in the fridge. She thinks she read somewhere that eggs keep better at room temperature. But do you know what she does keep in the fridge? Pickles and preserves! The two kinds of food whose names are synonymous with imperishability! Our fridge is so full of pickles and preserves you can hardly get anything else in there, Willett, but I pass no comment. She’s not giving me hypertension.”

The last had been a reference to Clive and Edward, the deceased spouses of Yvonne’s older sisters. Both men had died before their time of blockaded hearts, and afterwards Hank had never tired of elaborating on a fantasy based on the notion that the Sturmey sisters were a breed who consciously killed their husbands…

The sound of the front door being closed interrupted Willett’s reverie. He raised his head and watched Muriel carefully making her way towards him on red sandals whose slim heels went deep into the gravel at every step. At the age of fifty his wife looked almost exactly as she had done in her twenties and could wear her daughters’ clothes without exciting comment. Willett was not particularly aware of his own mortality, but there were times when he was shocked to realise that Muriel—with her temperate habits and long-lived forebears—might be only halfway through her span. Another life awaited her if he were to die soon.

She was of medium height and medium build and had what he thought of as a medium face, one which had nothing particularly wrong with it and which could be made quite beautiful when she took the trouble, which was most of the time. Today she was wearing a white blouse and white slacks, and had tied her black hair in place with a red-and-white scarf. He recognised the ensemble as one of her motoring outfits—she always changed her clothes specially for driving lessons.

“The afternoon’s going,” he said. “Who were you phoning?”

“Yvonne.” Muriel got into the driving seat and began taking off her sandals.

Willett opened the passenger door and sat beside her. “But you were with Yvonne most of the day. What could you possibly have to talk about on the phone?”

“It was only a local call—it won’t bankrupt you.”

“I’m not bothered about the cost of the call. I’m genuinely interested in finding out what you had to add to the day’s deliberations. What were you talking about?”

“Women’s things. You’re being childish, Willett.” Muriel rummaged below her seat, selected flat-heeled shoes from the three pairs she kept in a clutter around the seat-positioning mechanism and worked her feet into them. Willett watched the performance with bafflement and, in spite of his best intentions, a growing annoyance. Would any man, anywhere, have thought of treating the car as a kind of travelling wardrobe?

“That’s better.” Muriel fastened her safety belt and switched on the ignition with the key Willett had left in the lock, illuminating the square plastic buttons on the dash. He waited for her to begin the ritual struggle with the handbrake, then became aware that she was staring at the instrument display as though never having seen it before.

“Willett,” she said in tones of wonderment, “why is the little watering-can lit up?”

He closed his eyes in exaggerated disbelief. “What did you just say?”

“Are you going deaf? Why is the little watering-can lit up?”

“Are you by any chance,” he ground out, “referring to the oil pressure warning light?”

“I don’t care what you call it,” she snapped. “Why is it lit up?”

Willett kept his eyes shut. “Muriel, are you telling me—after all the hours I’ve spent explaining the workings of the car to you—that you think the oilcan symbol is meant to be a watering-can?”

Muriel giggled. “How was I to know? It looks just like the little green one I use for the house plants.”

“Oh, Jesus,” Willett said, a painful acidity welling in his stomach.

“There’s no need to blaspheme,” Muriel said angrily. “And I don’t care about your rotten old warning lights if you don’t.” She switched on the engine, released the handbrake with her customary struggle and silent mouthings, put the car into gear and made a take-off so violent that it would have resulted in a stall had not the back wheels spun on the loose surface of the drive. Willett winced as the gravel spattered through his dwarf dahlias like grapeshot. On reaching the avenue Muriel turned left and drove towards the Bath Road, and now, suddenly, she was in an airy good humour.

“For goodness’ sake try to relax, Willett,” she said. “I don’t want you having a heart attack on me.”

Don’t you? Willett thought, then realised he was in danger of becoming as paranoid as Hank had been at the end. For a moment his thoughts strayed towards his deceased friend…

Hank had refused point blank to have anything to do with his own wife’s driving tuition—”That’s sticking your head into the lioness’s mouth, old son.”—and had been fond of pointing out that it had been when he was teaching Beryl that Edward Cookson’s silted-up cardiovascular system had finally clenched him out of existence.

“Beryl could have learned to drive ages ago, but she waited till Edward’s health wasn’t up to the strain. It was her ultimate weapon, you see—and that’s why she refused to go to a driving school.”

“Cobblers,” Willett had said comfortably.

“You’ll see I’m right! Just pray that Muriel never uses the same tactic against you, old son. If she ever asks you to give her driving lessons, don’t hang around! Emigrate to Australia—that’s what Edward should have done!”

Willett remembered Edward Cookson as an unnecessarily gloomy man, but he had redeemed himself to some extent by producing one beautifully mordant line concerning his experience with Beryl at the wheel. Every time she stalled the engine she gave me an accusing look and switched on the windscreen wipers. Willett and Hank had often smirked into their lunchtime pints as they savoured the amount of sheer bitterness, frustration and male misery distilled into that single sentence.

“He’s letting her get to him,” Hank had once predicted—accurately, as it turned out—while staring into the malty oracle of his tankard. “He’s going to go the same way as old Clive. Mark my words!”

“But where’s the sense in it?” Willett had protested humorously. “Why should middle-aged women want to do away with their husbands?”

“We become redundant, old son. You see, after a man has fathered the children a woman wants and has burned himself out in providing financial stability for the family he isn’t needed any more. He’s actually in the way. It’s insurance policy time.”

“So he gets murdered!”

“Murdered isn’t too strong a word for it, though in most cases it’s an instinctive thing. In the battle of the sexes women have observed that men are susceptible to stress, so that’s the preferred weapon to be used against us, and they employ it effortlessly and naturally.”

“Sometimes I think you’re serious about all this,” Willett had said. “Don’t women ever suffer from stress?”

“They’re built to withstand its—physically and mentally. Nature has given them the upper hand, old son. They can go on for ever.” Hank had lowered his voice in case the inquisitive barmaid at the Rifleman’s was trying to eavesdrop. “Look how easy it is for them in bed.”

“Bed! I don’t get you.”

“When a man gets on a bit in years it’s harder for him to do the jobs—and, what’s more, it’s obvious that he is having difficulties. Therefore it’s a stressful situation for him, but not for the woman s—no matter how old she is. All she needs is a crafty squirt of that K-Y jelly and for all intents and purposes she’s as good as an eighteen-year-old.

“I tell you, Willett,” Hank had concluded dolefully, “the cards are stacked against us.”

Willett remembered having laughed aloud at that one, and he still thought of it as a prime example of Hank’s quirky humour, perhaps because Hank had died a few days later…

Some four hundred yards ahead of the car the brake lights of a lorry beaconed a warning, their ruby brilliance enhanced by the shade of the avenue’s overhanging trees. Willett glanced at his wife. Her face was calm, her eyes intent on the road. Reassured, Willett sent relaxation commands down through his body and waited for Muriel either to slow down or drift the car to the right. It continued in the left-hand lane, speed unchecked as it headed straight for the stationary lorry’s tailgate, with Muriel staring directly ahead and looking as coolly professional as an airline captain.

How long dare I wait? The question yammered in Willett’s head as diplomacy battled with the urge for self-preservation. The lorry’s brake lights swam apart as their range decreased. Willett opened his mouth to shout a warning and in the same instant the lights went out, showing that the lorry driver had eased up on the brake pedal. The disappearance of the ruby suns somehow galvanised Muriel into belated action. She stamped on the brake and the car dipped to a halt with its nose almost below the lorry’s mud-streaked tailgate.

“Did you see that?” Muriel turned to Willett with a scandalised expression.

“I certainly did,” he said, over the clamour in his nervous system. His forehead and cheeks tingled coldly and he felt ill.

“No lights! No signals! I’ve a good mind to report that maniac to the police.” Muriel backed the car a short distance and drove past the lorry, her head turned and tilted in an effort to spear the driver with a look of outrage. Willett considered telling her what had actually happened, but quickly relinquished the idea. Muriel would have been both disbelieving and furious, and another row would have a bad effect on her driving. He remained silent as she took the car to the end of the avenue and manouevred it into the Bath Road with an overt display of safety consciousness. Willett’s heart rate was returning to normal, but his spirits sank when he saw that the out-of-town traffic was already building up. He had been hoping to get the excursion over and done with before the rush hour got under way.

“We were looking at brochures today,” Muriel said, deciding to chat just when the greatest demands were about to be made on her concentration.

“How nice.” Willett had no need to enquire about the content of the brochures. Gina Sturmey and the three daughters who had become widows were planning to go on an extended cruise next winter, and the planning of it was already taking up much of their time. Muriel sat in on all the sessions even though finances precluded her going on the voyage, and the others had not thought of making her their guest. Willett was not sure if it was because possessing a living spouse set her apart from them to some extent, or if they were simply being tight with their inherited money. He had noticed that, no matter how unified by mutual love the Sturmey women were, when it came to matters of hard cash there was very little give and take. It was only natural, he supposed, that anybody who had killed her husband to get hold of his savings and insurance was not going to …

Stop it! he told himself. You’re straying into Hank’s old fantasy too often these days.

“Yes,” Muriel went on, “the four-berth cabins on the Minora seem fabulous.”

“Four berths? That’s not so good, is it?”

“Why?”

“I thought the whole point of those ocean cruises was a spot of the old shipboard romance. All four in one room is going to be a bit awkward, unless they’re thinking of group sexs—and your mum is a bit too old for that.”

“Willett!” Muriel looked at him with disgust and, as always happened when she took her eyes off the road, the car immediately veered from its proper line.

“Watch that cyclist,” Willett said urgently.

“You watch what you say about my mother. You’ve got a filthy tongue, Willett Morris.”

“It was only a joke,” he said, vowing never again to distract his wife while she was at the wheel. Muriel had once possessed a strong sex drive, and he knew she had had several affairs after their marriage cooled, but—like her mother and sisters—she was ultra-prudish in her speech. He still remembered the occasion when he had been describing a machine and had aroused her curiosity with a reference to a female component. When he had explained it was so called because a male component slid into it she had accused him of being sex-crazed and had flatly refused to believe that the terms were standard throughout the engineering world. After he had proved the point with the aid of a parts catalogue her opinion of men in general had sunk to a new low.

In the remaining fifty minutes of the driving lesson Muriel punished Willett to the full for the tasteless remark concerning her mother and sisters. Her tactics included making near-homicidal raids on pedestrian crossings; performing dangerous right turns in the face of looming heavy goods vehicles; refusing to dip the headlights after dark, thus instigating beam duels with a half-dozen other drivers; repeatedly switching on the starter motor when waiting at traffic lights, even though the engine was running, thereby whipping up the whole motive system into a humming frenzy; and—as a final masterstroke—loftily assuring him that he could cure a squeaking windscreen wiper by spraying it with UB40.

By the time the car had crunched backwards into the drive at home Willett had an invisible steel band around his chest, a giant Jubilee clip whose screw tightened with every word Muriel spoke. There was a brief respite for him after the car had stopped, becauses—in accordance with her own imponderable ruless—Muriel remained in the vehicle to check her appearance in the mirror and to change her shoes for the ten-yard walk to the house. The delay gave him time to get to the whisky decanter in the sitting-room and gulp a half-tumbler of Bell’s. He braced himself for the inevitable accusations of alcoholism, and was scarcely able to believe his luck when he heard the telephone dial whirring in the hall. Muriel was reporting in to her mother or one of the sisters, ands—mercifullys—he had time for another drink. He poured a second bumper, equivalent to about four pub measures, and was getting the last of it down him as Muriel came into the room.

“You’re an alcoholic,” she said briskly, but without concern. “I want you to pop over to Mum’s house and borrow a bag of icing sugar. Not ordinary sugars—icing sugar. Can you remember that?”

“I think my brain can cope with that mammoth task,” Willett said. “When do you want me to go?”

“Now, of course. You’ve nothing better to do, have you?”

Willett had been looking forward to reassembling the carburettor of his lawn mower before dinner, but consoled himself with the thought that going to Gina’s would enable him to have another drink in the guilt-free atmosphere of the Rifleman’s. “Nothing that can’t wait,” he said. “Have I time to walk? I feel like stretching the old legs.”

“Just don’t be late for dinner—we eat at seven.” Muriel went upstairs to change out of her driving outfit, leaving Willett alone in the sitting-room. He glanced at the whisky, decided there would be little to be gained from another furtive drink, and set off on his errand. The air was mild and scented with greenery, and the trees in the avenue seemed to be artfully screening the streetlights, contriving new patterns of illumination for his benefit as he walked.

This is more like it, he thought, taking deep and pleasurable breaths. Relax, relax, relax! That’s the way to fight back against the K-Y warriors.

He had two more glasses of Bell’s in the orange-spangled cosiness of the Rifleman’s and by the time he had completed the half-mile walk to Gina Sturmey’s house was feeling reasonably fit and capable of dealing with his mother-in-law. Her house was a large detached affair, well over a century old, but although Gina was in her seventies she somehow managed to keep it clean and in good repair with very little outside assistance. A hall light shone through the leaded glass of the front door, suggesting that he was expected, but there was no response to his ringing of the bell. He rang twice more, then turned the door’s ceramic handle and went inside. Faint illumination seeped from the upper reaches of the panelled stairwell and the rear of the house, where the kitchen was situated, was augmented by a whiter glow.

“Gina?” Willett called out. “Are you home?”

Feeling uncomfortably like a law-breaker, he went along the hall, through the unlit dining room and into the fluorescent brilliance of the empty kitchen. Reflective cupboards and counters reproached him for having entered their presence unbidden, warning him not to try searching for icing sugar without their owner’s consent.

“Gina!” Willett shouted in aggrieved tones. He now felt like a prisoner in his mother-in-law’s kitchen, because were he to venture into another part of the house he might startle her or—unthinkably—surprise her in a state of undress. Muttering disconsolately, he glanced around the square room and in that strange moment of isolation memory cells fired off a salvo in his brain, thus recreating a scene from the past.

Grandma Gina’s fridge runs without being plugged into the electricity, little Tommy Beveridge had said one day last summer.

The notion was as ridiculous as ever, but it prompted Willett to take special notice of the refrigerator. It was rather large and old-fashioned, with rounded edges which made it look like something from a 1940s Hollywood movie. It hummed faintly, introspectively. Willett moved past it, bringing a wall socket into view, and saw at once that the refrigerator was not plugged in. The electrical flex from it trailed down to a narrow strip of flooring between the fridge and adjacent cupboard, terminating in a three-pin plug. Bemused, Willett hunkered down, picked up the plug and found its top to be loose. He selected an appropriate screwdriver from the four in the breast pocket of his jacket and opened the plug. The fuse was missing.

Willett stood up and looked behind the refrigerator, expecting to see alternate wiring leading to some other power source, but there was nothing of that nature visible. He opened the refrigerator’s curvaceous door and the internal light came on, wanly illuminating glass shelves of jars, bottles and plastic boxes. Cold air flowed downwards over his ankles.

“This doesn’t make sense,” Willett muttered. He knelt on the floor and—using his pen-light—looked underneath the refrigerator, hoping to find evidence that some untutored maverick of an electrician had brought a power cable up through the floor, but again there was nothing to fulfil his expectations.

“There’s something bloody haywire here,” he said in a louder voice as he stood up and returned the flashlight and screwdriver to his pocket. He left the kitchen, returned to the hall and was about to shout up the stairs when he heard a movement on the landing. A moment later Gina Sturmey came into view wearing a tangerine jump-suit which had been designed for a younger generation, but which looked right on her trim 75-year-old figure. In the soft light she appeared no older than any of her daughters, and for an instant Willett was unaccountably afraid of her.

“Hello, Willett,” she said, descending the staircase towards him. “I heard you at the door, but I was in the middle of varnishing my nails.” She held up her hands and displayed nails the exact colour of her suit. “How are you these days?”

“I’m…”

“I’ll fetch you the sugar,” Gina cut in. “Muriel says she feels so silly over having forgotten to buy icing sugar, especially as we were looking at it in Sainsbury’s only last week, but it was on Friday afternoon and the place was so crowded we could hardly move. I’m always telling her it’s much better to shop early in the morning, but she says you can go too early and then the shelves haven’t been properly restocked from the day before and you can …”

“There’s something not right about your fridge,” Willett said loudly. “Has some clever dick been working on it?”

Unexpectedly, Gina gave the classic Sturmey giggle. “Here I am talking about Muriel’s bad memory—and mine is even worse! I meant to tell her to tell you to bring a fuse over with you, and it flew right out of my head. Be a darling, Willett, and take the fuse off the Hoover for me. I can do without the cleaner till tomorrow, but …”

“You don’t understand,” Willett interrupted. “Your fridge is running without being plugged into the mains.”

“But that’s impossible.”

“You don’t have to tell me it’s impossible,” Willett said. “But it’s happening just the same—come and see for yourself.”

Gina’s expression was a blend of caution and concern. “Is this a joke?”

“Come into the kitchen!” Willett turned and strode towards the rear of the house, with Gina following. No sooner had he entered the kitchen’s cloud-white brilliance than he realised the refrigerator had fallen silent, and a premonition told him it was no longer working. He pulled open the door and the convenience light did not come on, making the interior seem dim and cavernous.

“It was working a minute ago,” Willett said, more baffled than ever. “I swear to you—it was!”

“You reek of whisky, Willett. How much have you had today?”

“Whisky has nothing to do with it. Put your hand inside the fridge—it’s still cold in there.”

“Of course it is,” Gina said gently, as though instructing a child. “The insulation will keep it cold for hours after the power is lost.”

“Spare me the elementary physics, you…” Willett stifled an insult, realising the incident was getting out of hand. The trouble was that he knew the refrigerator had been working without being connected to the mains, and the fact that Gina was so firm in her denials was an invert proof that she knew too. Why would she not admit it? What was it to her if a piece of domestic equipment had behaved freakishly? She knew next to nothing about machinery, and would probably have believed a technological fairy tale about the fridge’s cooling-grid picking up energy from the nearest radio station—so why was she giving him no argument?

Willett gazed helplessly at Gina’s neat, hard face, then inspiration came to him. His nephew had observed the phenomenon a good nine months earlier—a fact which demolished Gina’s claim that the refrigerator had been without a conventional power-source for only a matter of minutes. How would she wriggle out of that one? He was opening his mouth to challenge Gina when the telephone warbled. It was only a pace away from him, mounted on the tiled wall, and the unexpected loudness of it made him jump.

Gina took the handset and spoke her number into it. She listened for a short time, nodding and making little sounds of agreement, then said, “Don’t worry about the car, Muriel—the important thing is that you’re all right. Cars can easily be mended.”

On hearing his wife’s name and references to car damage, Willett moved closer to the phone, his heart lapsing into a bumping and unsteady rhythm.

“Yes, he’s right beside me,” Gina said into the instrument. Her eyes were watchful as she handed it over to Willett.

“What have you done, Muriel?” he said harshly. “What have you done to my car?”

“That’s all you think about! Your rotten, old car!” His wife had gone on the offensive immediately, which meant she had done something costly. “It doesn’t matter about me, does it? I could be seriously injured and you wouldn’t even …”

“The car, Muriel! What happened?”

There was a brief silence, then Muriel said, “I decided to put it into the garage to save you doing it when you got back, and…and it wouldn’t stop for me. When I pressed the brake the car went faster.”

“When you pressed the brake the car went faster.” Willett repeated the sentence in dull, noncommittal tones, hoping that merely hearing her own words would impress on Muriel just how nonsensical they were.

“That’s what I said.” Muriel sounded unrepentant.

Willett gave a deep sigh. “Muriel, if the car went faster you must have pressed the accelerator.”

“Willett, I’m not stupid—I know the difference between the accelerator and the brake,” Muriel said indignantly. “Anyway, your lathe got knocked over, and the back window of the car fell out.”

“My lathe!” Suddenly the giant Jubilee clip was again in place around Willett’s chest, squeezing inwards. “I’m coming home.” He hung up the phone, brushed past Gina without speaking and headed for the front door.

“Haven’t you forgotten something?” Gina called in his wake. “What about the icing sugar?”

“Stuff the icing sugar!” Willett snarled. Out in the avenue he set off in the direction of his house at a very fast walking pace, but within a few yards made the chastening discovery that the pressure in his chest had turned into actual pain. That’s the way they get you, he could almost hear Hank Beveridge saying. They kill you by making you kill yourself.

He immediately slowed to an amble and began the measured breathing he had been told was an aid to relaxation. The pain in his chest subsided reluctantly, producing a flicker of discomfort every now and then as he made his way home through shallow drifts of fallen cherry blossoms. The candle-coloured lights of the Rifleman’s beckoned in the distance, but he was not tempted. It had been a mistake, he now realised, to drink so much whisky in such a short time. The spirituous liquor was firing up his whole system just when it was imperative for him to be calm and cool. It had also given Gina the advantage of him, but then it had always been hard to best her in an argument. Look at the time…

Willett’s pace slowed even further and a cool breeze seemed to touch his brow as his memory stirred again, projecting an image of the past on to the screen of the present. On his doctor’s advice he had quit smoking more than ten years earlier, but he kept a large, urn-shaped lighter of solid silver on a bookcase in the living room. It contained neither batteries nor fuel, and was preserved purely as an ornament.

One Sunday afternoon, the summer before last, Willett had been tending the potted begonias on the rear patio while his wife entertained her mother and three sisters to tea. He had glanced in through the window just in time to see Anne—second youngest of the sisters—go to the bookcase, pick up the lighter and ignite her cigarette with it. Puzzled, because he did not think Muriel would have had the lighter serviced, he had gone into the house and examined it—and had found it still without batteries or fuel. When asked what he was doing Willett had related what he had seen through the window. For a moment Anne had seemed flustered, but Gina Sturmey had chimed in at that point with a scornful laugh, saying that Anne had already been smoking when she had casually picked up the lighter. Anne had quickly agreed with her.

Willett had not dared contradict the women when the facts were so plainly against him, but the image of Anne drawing flame from the lighter had always remained sharp in his mind, an irritating anomaly, a thorn in the flesh of reason and logic. And now, suddenly, a pattern was emerging—because the incident with the refrigerator was exactly the same kind of phenomenon.

Gina Sturmey and her daughters were witches who could make defunct machines operate as though they were in perfect condition!

“I’ve gone crazy,” Willett announced to the empty street. “I’m worse than old Hank ever was!”

Paradoxically, the realisation of just how far he had strayed beyond the bounds of rationality served to ease his mind. He was an engineer, and he knew that he lived in an ordered universe, and the conclusion he had reached about his in-laws was an example of what could come from abandoning strict causality. Witches, indeed! Giving a self-deprecating snort, Willett tried to summon up some reserves of steadiness and commonsense. All right, so his wife had damaged the car and there was something he did not understand about an old refrigerator—was that sufficient reason to go round the twist or have a heart attack?

Besides, his theory about the Sturmey witches failed the most basic test in that it did not accommodate all the facts. Even if he discarded the antique notion of witchcraft and enlisted the aid of modern jargon terms like “psi powers”, he had not explained why Gina and her brood were so spectacularly inept when it came to machinery or anything technical. If they had a natural or supernatural ability to impress their will directly on machines, they ought to display an effortless mastery of all such objects. Or should they? Would that not be giving the game away?

Willett snorted again in the scented darkness as he entered the spirit of the mental game he had just discovered. No thinker liked to abandon a neat theory without a struggle, and here was an intellectual challenge—reconcile the Sturmeys’ covert affinity with machines and their overt lack of such affinity.

There was a contradiction there, but did it really exist? Did it baulk in his mind because he was making the mistake of thinking as a man who had always been fascinated by engineering? His wife in particular seemed to have an antipathy towards all things mechanical, but what if that was according them too much importance in her scheme of things? She would not hate anything she saw as insignificant—she would simply regard it with disdain. All the Sturmeys could be the same. When it was necessary or convenient they might cause a broken machine to do their bidding, by one means or another, but for the sake of a quiet life they would not flaunt their power in the faces of their husbands and the world at large. The poor male spouses, exemplified by Willett, clinging to their cherished illusions of superiority, might not be able to stand it if all their hard-won understanding of torque and templates, degaussing and differentials amounted to nothing beside their wives’ instinctive and casual mechanical wizardry.

That’s not bad, Willett told himself, nodding in satisfaction. Perhaps I should take up writing fantasy stories as a hobby. I wouldn’t mind seeing my name on one of those paperbacks in Smith’s (comparable to Tolkien at his best), but the theory is still incomplete.

All right, let us suppose that the Sturmeys are modern witches, psi superwomen, and want to be discreet about it—why do they deem it necessary to go so far in the opposite direction and appear to be technological dunces? Take Muriel as an example. If she wants to learn to drive why doesn’t she do so with remarkable competence, rather than put on a show of being so monumentally inept?

“I’m surprised you even bother to ask that question, old son,” said the ghost of Hank Beveridge, conjured up and made almost tangible by the vividness of Willett’s memory. “You’ve become redundant. Perhaps it’s because Muriel would like to go with the others on that winter cruise, but—whatever the reason—she has decided you’re for the high jump. It’s the insurance policy time. I warned you about the driving lessons, old son. The ultimate weapon! She’s killing you by making you kill yourself …”

“Cobblers,” Willett muttered, disappointed by his failure to build a satisfactory armature of logic to support the witch theory at his first attempt. There was no time for a second try because the game was over—he was coming within sight of his own house and the glimmer of the garage lights was a reminder of what was waiting for him there.

In spite of all his sensible resolutions, he was unable to prevent an anxious quickening of his pace over the last hundred yards and was breathing heavily by the time he entered the driveway. Muriel was waiting under the porch light. She had changed her clothes and was now wearing a grey pullover, grey tweed skirt and low-heeled shoes.

That must be her I’ve-just-crashed-the-car outfit, Willett thought bitterly, wondering how his wife could concern herself with her appearance at a time of crisis. He nodded with grave courtesy as he passed her, calculating that a show of forbearance would increase her burden of guilt, and went into the garage. An involuntary moan escaped his lips as he saw that the lathe had not only been knocked over—it had been driven against the wall so hard that several breeze-blocks had been displaced outwards. The rear end of the car had been crunched into an expensive new free-form shape and the hatchback window, miraculously intact, was lying on the floor beside it. Willett’s lower lip began to tremble while he was surveying the full extent of the catastrophe, but he brought it under control as Muriel entered the garage and came to his side.

“Thanks a lot,” he said. “This is a nice little home-coming present.”

“Don’t be sarcastic with me, Willett Morris,” she snapped. “It was all the fault of your stupid old car.”

“Are you going to persist with this crap about the car going faster when you pressed the brake?”

“That’s what happened. It must be something to do with a…” Muriel paused, rummaging through her small vocabulary of engineering terms. “…a linkage.”

“Linkage! You haven’t the foggiest bloody idea what you’re talking about, woman.” Willett was unable to prevent his voice ascending in both pitch and volume. “You pressed the wrong bloody pedal—and you haven’t even the bloody decency to apologise.”

“Apologise!” Muriel faced up to him and, far from being apologetic, her eyes were bleak and baleful in a way that was outside his previous experience. “Why don’t you get in and drive the car yourself? Why don’t you prove me wrong?”

“That’s easily done,” Willett shouted, aware that the steel hoop was remorselessly crushing his chest. Ignoring the pain, he got into the driving seat, slammed the door and switched on the engine with the key Muriel had left in the lock. He revved up loudly to express his fury, put the car in gear and sent it surging out of the garage. Halfway along the drive he stamped on the brake, intending to give a spectacular demonstration of the car’s stopping ability, but to his horror the vehicle leapt forward with frightening power.

Willett was unable to control the reflex which caused him to bear down on the brake pedal with all his strength. The engine roared and the car hurtled between the gate posts, gaining speed all the while, crossed the avenue in an instant and mounted the opposite footpath. Willett barely had time to see the stone wall which spanned the view ahead, before the appalling impact drove him against the steering wheel. Two sources of pain, one external and one from within, fused in his chest, going beyond what was humanly endurable as his body bounced and broke and finally came to rest in a grotesque kneeling position beneath the dashboard.

Willett found himself with his face almost jammed against the instrument panel, and the car—as though rewarding him for all the attention he had lavished on it—began to put on a light-show to entertain him during the final seconds of his life. One by one the lights came on, plastic tablets glowing with cheerful colours, and there among them was the oil pressure warning light with its picture of an oilcan. Seen from a distance of only a few inches, the symbol loomed large in his field of vision, exhibiting fine details he had never noticed before. Very oddly—for an oilcan—its spout ended in what looked like the perforated spray head of a watering can.

Muriel, don’t do this to me, Willett pleaded inwardly, drowning in blood, as he saw the can begin to move. It tilted itself and sprinkled droplets of water over a stylised daisy. The daisy became invigorated, with Disney-style quiverings, and strained up towards the sun…

But by that time Willett was dead, and Muriel was hurrying to telephone her mother.