The new technology of managing your life

Introduction

Have you ever been in situations which (in several minutes, the next morning, in some time, etc.) make you feel embarrassed (agreeably surprised)? I think you have. I suppose, in these moments of understanding you were saying to yourself something like this:

Variant 1.

– How could I behave like that? How could I break down? Why did I shout at him (her, the parent, the child, the friend, the neighbor, the sales assistant, that person, etc.)? What has come upon me? Am I too emotional or is something wrong with me?

Variant 2.

– What happened? Why didn\'t I tell him/her that…? Why did I keep silent? Why did I bleat out? I should have said that! But I didn\'t… And now this ship has sailed!

Variant 3.

– I\'ve been in great form today! Well done! I wish I could be in this state more often! Then I would be able to move mountains!

I could also suppose that such inner monologues take place only after everything has happened. But at that very moment it seems to you… No! You are absolutely sure that here and now you behave in the right way. There is no other way to act! And you have the right to behave like that! Or… that you can\'t, you are unable to behave in a different way.

What happens to you? Why do you behave and feel differently in different situations and/or with different people? Why are you so inconsistent and nonpersistent? Why can\'t you hold yourself together? Maybe you don\'t know what you want from people, life and yourself? Maybe you can\'t control yourself?

Maybe it is time to visit a psychologist? Or read good books, attend a training, speak to clever and wise people? Is it the right time for making your inner space more harmonious and balanced, find your integral self and stop suffering contradicting thoughts and evaluations?.. Probably it is. However…

Everything that happens to you can get a new angle on. You can look at it from the point of view of the theory of roles . You have to do it in order to understand that you are absolutely normal and sane and quite able to control all that chaos.

Here and further by the term «the theory of roles» I mean all the theoretic information which you can learn from this book. My theory of roles becomes intertwined with the classical theory of roles by G. Mead, the theory of subpersonality by Roberto Assagioli, the theory of transactional analysis by Eric Berne and the self-concept by Steve Andreas only in some terms and definitions. Everything else is the author\'s compilation of ideas, theories and views based on many years\' consulting experience and «seasoned» with common sense. The compilation is quite functional and in many respects surprising, that\'s why I decided to call it the Theory of Roles by Elena Samsonova . Why not? Let it be!

Part I. The theory of roles

Chapter 1. Who are you?

So, my dear reader, let us begin. And we\'ll begin by asking the question: «Who are you?»

Just now, in the very first line, I called you a Reader . From my point of view you are playing the role of a reader right now. You can do the following:

– assume this role for the time you are reading this book;

– refuse to assume this role and close the book after finishing this line;

– call yourself a different name (for example, a Specialist or a Colleague ) and go on reading.

What do you need to stay in the role of a Reader further on? I suppose, it is the following:

– the theme of the book is of interest to you;

– the material in the book is put so as to be understood by you ;

– you have time and ability to continue reading.

And what if any of these conditions is not met? Then, most probably, you will not support the role of a Reader anymore and assume any other role . You will do something which is more interesting or important to you at this very moment. You may become:

– a Shopper , taking this book from the shelf and coming up to the cashier desk (if you are in a book store);

– a Passenger or a Driver , if you are leaving the store and getting on a vehicle;

– a Parent , if at this very moment your child is plucking you by your sleeve into a toy department;

– a Friend , if you hear your phone ringing, you pick it up and hear your friend\'s voice and so on…

In this case your transition into another role will be immediate and unconscious . You don\'t think like: «Ah, Mike is calling! Now I will stop being a Reader and become a Friend », do you? You change your role automatically where the context requires . The more familiar the situation is, the quicker you will «switch off» (get out of one role and into another).

Certainly, this transition can be conscious. If you are an actor, a negotiator or a creative communicator you choose roles intuitively and consciously every moment of your life. Later I\'m going to tell you how to control your roles.

And now I would like to give you a vivid example of how people change roles in everyday life.

Scene one

It\'s Friday afternoon. You are sitting at a table in a small restaurant with your business partner. You are going to have lunch and discuss all current controversial issues in informal circumstances.

Who are you now?

Now you are either a Businessman/Businesswoman or an Entrepreneur , or a Representative of a company . Now you are an Official person .

What are you doing?

You are keeping your backbone straight. You are smiling pleasantly and saying something like: «Mr. Johnson, last time your company transferred a payment to our company with a 20 days\' delay. You should understand that for us it is an unattainable luxury to grant you credit for almost a month. Can we arrange it so that you transfer the payments exactly in time?»

Scene two

You have barely finished this phrase – your telephone is ringing. No, it\'s not your phone – it\'s your child crying out loudly: «Daddy (Mommy)! Pick up the phone!» The context changes.

What are you now and what are you doing?

You have two variants.

The first one. You are still an Official person and, turning your phone off, you go on: «I would like to hear your opinion on the subject!»

Scene three

The conversation with your child is over. What\'s next?

What have you become and what are you doing?

Scene four

The waiter brings your dessert and – Oh my God! – you see a long hair in the plate.

What are you now and what are you doing?

– Waiter! Waiter! – you are shouting loudly. – Call the administrator!

Scene five

And suddenly everything changes. A classmate of yours is coming up to you with a broad smile. You haven\'t seen each other for ages!

– Hey, buddy! – he bursts out. – I\'ve been wondering who\'s shouting out so loudly! So that\'s you! I\'m so glad to meet you!

– Oh my God! Billy! Fancy meeting you! Haven\'t you left the city long ago? I thought I\'d never see you again!

What have you become and what are you doing now?

You have already forgotten about the waiter and the sinister dessert. You are hugging the old friend of yours. Your eyes are shining brightly. Your voice is ringing. You\'ve even forgotten about your business partner. Etiquette and ceremonies have become unimportant. Everything that mattered a minute ago has faded into insignificance and has become uninteresting.

You have changed your role for the role of a Friend (Buddy, Classmate). Your world has changed! In the last half an hour you changed your roles four times (leave alone the pass-through roles of a Watcher , a Restaurant visitor etc.). You have passed into another role .

I hope that together we\'ll find answers to these questions. And now I\'ll take my chance and introduce the first thesis.

When we are in social environment we always take up one of our roles that suits the situation. You can easily observe that: just notice how you behave over a certain period of time.

We «enter» into a family role (father, mother, son, daughter, brother, nephew, godfather) when we are surrounded by our family members, by our nearest and dearest. At work we become bosses, colleagues, managers, carpenters, accountants, salesmen, cofounders, business partners, etc.

We have a whole bunch of roles for different kinds of activities: leisure time, sports, communicating with friends, shopping, and we don\'t even realize that, we don\'t give these roles any names. For example, at the jeweler\'s you feel and act differently than at the grocer\'s. At a large stadium while watching your favorite game or at a romantic date in a cozy restaurant with your beloved person you behave differently.

In each of these situations you are in a different role.

Even when you are alone, thinking something over, – at that very moment you are in a role. If you\'re thinking about how to write a quarterly report, – you are in the role of an Employee, – no matter what you are doing at this very moment. You are trying to decide what to cook for dinner? Even if you are sitting at an office table, – you are in the role of a Housewife or a Bachelor , or the role of any other person who is supposed to cook dinner.

Supposing you are alone on a desert island? All the roles you\'ve got used to have lost their sense. All the same you think over a role for yourself and «plunge» into it. For example, it is the role of a « Robinson Crusoe », or a « Lucky Survivor », or a « Victim of Circumstances ». The role that you choose will substantially influence your prospects of rescue. In any of these roles you will feel different, take the situation differently and behave in a different manner.

How do people change roles?

In the above-mentioned examples actualizing situations are the following ones: the meeting with a business partner, the phone call, annoyance when getting the dessert and the unexpected encounter of a classmate. Each of these situations «launched» a certain role.

In the forthcoming chapter I will describe actualizing situations in detail. And now I would like to draw your attention to the following:

Read the story above once again and note:

This is characteristic of living in roles . When a role is changed for another one it always results in changes in the above mentioned parameters. The more the roles differ the sharper the contrast between the two states is.

In such situation we can often hear: « He is like a new man », « Today she is a completely different person than she was yesterday », « How could you do that? I would never expect that from you! » « This is not like you at all !» and so on.

Now we have studied all the facets of the above-mentioned example. Let\'s pass over to the next subject.

Chapter 2. What is a role?

We use the notion of a «role» so often that we don\'t even think about its meaning, about the process of changing roles and about how we live and act when we are in a certain role.

Have you ever noticed that it\'s enough to only pronounce the name of any role that a person is ready to enter this role?

– I am your mother . You are my son . That\'s why you must obey me!

– Dmitry, you are an experienced manager . How could you permit that?

– Don\'t crowd, folks ! Each one will get the chance!

– I am a grown-up person! I can make my own decisions!

In all these phrases you see the names of different roles ( Experienced Manager, Grown-up ) or pairs of interacting roles ( Mother/Son ). And each phrase implies that a person is expected to behave this or that way: he/she has certain rights and obligations associated with his/her role.

Now we can already specify the parameters that define a role:

1. Name (marker) of a role.

2. Rights and obligations associated with the role ( Rules of a role).

3. Behavioral patterns and actions associated with the role ( Scenario of a role).

There is a variety of scientific definitions of a «role» . Most often the following one is used:

This is a scientific definition but it\'s a bit too complicated for understanding and practical application in real situations.

Let us make our own definition or several definitions of a role based on our common sense and experience (yours and mine)! This will definitely help to make most complicated things simpler and find solutions for most of our problems.

We\'ll begin with the question: what happens to us when we change one role for another?

Does our appearance change? Certainly, not!

Do we change inside? Most probably, we do. We have different feelings, our emotional state changes. We begin thinking and acting differently (see Thesis 4).

By the way, in the previous chapter I promised to tell you about actualizing situations. Now it is the right time for that.

What else changes after a role transition?

A very confident Sportsman , a Tough guy may easily get embarrassed at the strict gaze of a girl which he likes very much. A self-assured Housewife/Young mother can feel very unconfident as a Young specialist on probation . High self-esteem of a Scientist/Big head of science can differ greatly from the self concept of an Elderly man with health concerns .

For example, a Successful Businessman sees the reality as quite «friendly» and «comfortable». He feels he is a Child of Fortune, Lucky Thing . Suddenly, after some troublesome negotiations or a plentiful table he feels cardiac pain, – his concept of the world immediately changes. Now he is a Helpless patient fearing for himself and his life. He forgets that he was a « Lucky thing » some time ago and what\'s more he doesn\'t trust the reality anymore.

Now we can make up a broader definition of a role.

Once again I would like to draw your attention to the fact that one and the same person has different concepts of him/herself and the world at different moments of time and in different circumstances. It is very important to understand that!

In other words,

As we\'ve already discussed in Chapter 1, the phrase «He is like a new man!» is absolutely justified from the point of view of the role personality structure theory. If yesterday you were partying hard at your friends\' house, «having a blowout», and today you are kicking yourself for that and can\'t believe you behaved like that, you should understand that you can be different persons at different moments of time. Yesterday you were a Happy-go-lucky fellow , today you are a Serious adult . And the Adult criticizes the « Ugly drunk ». If you want you can correct your role. If you can\'t – accept what you have. You can be different and that\'s normal.