the nude who did

LUSCIOUS LLONA’S MOTTO IS STILL

“MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR!”

And she really believes in practicing her politics. But problems begin when Llona is sunbathing (nude, of course) on the roof to distract local Air Force pilots — and she sights her husband in the woods of a nearby golf course with a sport-minded beauty.

It rapidly becomes obvious that Llona makes war the same way she makes love — with no effort spared! She joins a Women’s Liberation group and has some of her new friends administer their special brand of revenge on her unfaithful man. There’s Marguerita, a flamenco dancer who sets men aflame — literal1y . . . Stella Spayed, whose home movies aren’t the type a man would expect to watch with her nine children . . . and Anastasia Gluck, a permanent virgin thanks to an erratic surgeon.

With friends Like these, luscious Llona is sure to win the war. All she asks of her misguided mate is that he give her type of peace a chance!

THE NUDE WHO DID

TED MARK

1970

CHAPTER ONE

GIVE

PEACE

A CHANCE!

The sign was finished. It covered the entire area of the flat, tiled roof of the home of Mr. and Mrs. Archer Hornsby. With the first line in bright red, the second in dead white, and the third in electric blue-—-all against a black background-—the lettering was easily visible from five thousand feet. The Air Force couldn’t miss the message.

All that remained for Mrs. Archer Hornsby — nee Llona Mayper — to do was to remove the excess tile from the roof and set up a pair of spotlights so that the sentiment would be seen by night as well as by day. Llona decided to take a rest first. She stretched out under the second word, closed her eyes, and concentrated on the warmth of the sunshine caressing her body.

A few moments later the sun was blotted out by an Air Force training plane swooping low over the roof. When it banked and turned for a second look, Llona guessed that it wasn't the message which was drawing it back. From the way both pilot and student were hanging out of the plane, it was obvious that Llona herself was the attraction.

And quite an attraction she was! The two wisps of bikini she was wearing did little to hide her voluptuous body. Lying on her back, her large, fulsome breasts were aimed at flieslay like rockets of flesh straining to be launched. From above, her long, well-formed legs formed an exciting V merging into the white bikini diaper. The rest was curves -- ample hips, small waist, round shoulders-five-foot-nine of them topped by golden hair fanning out over the tiles. The long tresses framed a face etched by Eros. It was one of those rare female visages whose beauty was shouted down by blatant sex appeal. High, molded cheekbones over delicately hollowed cheeks, a moue of a mouth, red moist on the verge of a kiss, small, pert nose and firm chin softened by a dimple, gold-flecked brown eyes, deep and burning sensually—the features added up to a face which tacitly promised that the magnificent body below was highly functional.

Now the functional body got to its feet and Llona, hands on hips, flaunted her charms in the face of the Air Force. The plane took one more low dip in appreciation of her plump derriere and reluctantly headed back to base. Llona watched it go, her eyes flashing angrily as they swept over the vista of runways and hangars which made up the Birchville U. S. Air Force Training Center.

A year ago when she and Archer had bought this house, the area covered by the base had been woodland. “It’s like having the North Woods for a backyard,” the suburban real estate agent had enthused. Then, the day after they moved in, they had been waked by the sound of bulldozers leveling the trees. Within three months the area was flat as a yeastless pancake. Within six months every blade of wild grass had been cemented over; there were squat buildings where honeysuckle once flowered; planes swooped low for landings and farted jet streams where once orioles had fluttered and chirped; the voice of the turtle was silenced; the roar of military man on the wing became a part of their daily life, twenty-four hours a day; encroaching deafness, perpetually strained vocal chords, and the failing ability to communicate became a very real way of life for Llona and Archer.

They were bitter. Not just because of the proximity of the air base, but also because of the larger issue it represented. Archer and Llona were firmly against U. S. involvement in the war in Vietnam. They were aghast at what they perceived to be the militarization of their country and the base, to them, was a visible symbol of it.

Prior to the sign on the roof, however, they had taken no action to express their view. They had sort of thought of themselves as part of some vague majority committed to silent disagreement. Naturally they were appalled to find their silence interpreted as approval of government policy in a sweeping Nixonian statement embracing the “silent majority.” In part, the decision to put up the sign was a reaction to this.

But the major reason behind the sign was a more direct provocation. It took place some three weeks prior to the day Llona finished tiling the roof. And it affected them on a personal level.

Archer and Llona had just returned from a local peace rally that night. It was the first one they had ever attended. Archer, in particular, was much disturbed by what he had seen and heard.

“Something’s got to be done!” he said. “We’re innocent people! The country itself is becoming brutalized! Something’s got to be done!” he repeated.

“I agree, Archer. But what can we do?” Llona didn’t wait for an answer; she didn’t expect one. “It’s late. Come to bed.” She patted the pillow beside her own.

“We have to do something!” Archer was emotionally distraught, “But what? What can we do?”

“Make love, not war,” Llona purred, letting the sheet slip away from her pink-and-white bosom.

“Each man, each person, each individual has to somehow stand up and be counted, has to make his opposition known!”

“How?” Llona pouted and pulled the sheet aback up. If she couldn’t distract Archer, then it was better to get the discussion over with. “How can you, Archer Hornsby, buck government policy?”

“Maybe I can’t. But at least I can make it plain where I stand.”

“How?”

“I don’t know.” Archer scratched his head. “Put up a sign, maybe,” he said after a moment’s silence.

“What kind of a sign?”

“STOP THE SLAUGHTER IN VIETNAM . . . PEACE NOW . . . GIVE PEACE A CHANCE . . . I don’t know. Some sign like that.”

“Where would you put it?”

“In our front yard.”

“In our yard?” Llona was dubious.

“Sure. Then people would know where -- Hey!” Archer snapped his fingers. “I’ve got an idea. We’ll buy a flagpole. You know, one of those big white ones like they have in front of the American Legion Hall. And we’ll fly the flag at half-mast. And we’ll put up a sign explaining that we’re in mourning for the Vietnam dead.”

“There’s probably some sort of village ordinance against it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Zoning restrictions, you know. Like this is a residential area and you can’t put up signs. Like that.”

“Hell! People around here put up all kinds of signs at Christmas. MERRY XMAS . . . HAPPY NEW YEAR ... PEACE ON EARTH Ha!...”

“That’s different. That’s for Christmas. It’s not political. And the flagpole. I’m not sure there isn’t some sort of local law against that too.”

“Oh, come on! People are always hanging out flags.”

“Not at half-mast. At least not unless there's some official reason for it.”

“I don’t see why I have to justify that. It’s a matter of personal freedom. It’s my right to fly the flag at half-mast if I’m in mourning.”

“Betcha!”

“What?”

“Betcha the Birchville Board of Supervisors won’t let you get away with it,” Llona explained.

“The hell they won’t!” Archer was becoming angry. “I'll hire a lawyer and fight them!”

“In this town? Where local politics is a closed corporation? You’ll lose!”

“Then I'll take it to a higher court!”

“And you’1l probably lose there too!”

“I’ll take it all the way to the Supreme Court!” Archer’s voice rose shrilly.

“And if you lose there? Not to mention the money --”

“Man! Are you ever supportive! Just what a man needs from his wife! Damn it, Llona, you’re just putting up obstacles. Chances are there’s no such law in the first place!”

“Maybe not. Anyway, it doesn’t really matter.”

“What do you mean?”

“You put up that flagpole and that sign in this neighborhood and the local red-white-and-blue yahoos will -be in our yard with an axe to chop it down. The first dark night. We’ll be lucky if they don’t set fire to the house.”

“Llona, you just don’t want to give peace a chance.”

“Sure I do. I’m just being practical. What are you going to do when the fringey lunatics march over to haul down your flag?”

“‘I’ll warn them that they’re trespassing on private prop- erty!” - t

“Yeah? And then what?”

“I’ll tell them I have a shotgun and I’m prepared to use it on the first person who sets foot on my land!”

“And if they don’t listen?”

“The first sonuvobitch tries to pull down my flag, I’ll blow his brains out!” Archer shouted.

“Now that’s what I call giving peace a chance,” Llona pointed out. “But I suppose you’re right, Archer. I suppose you would have to defend your flag.”

“That’s not fair! You trapped me! I was angry!”

“You’re right. It’s not fair. And I’m as much against the war as you are, Archer. I'm just trying to make you see that you’re losing your perspective. What good is it if you get so zealous for peace that you’re willing to kill for it?"

“That’s a by-product of the brutalization of this country too,” Archer said moodily.

“Granted. But let’s remember what it is you're for and what it is you're against. You’re against killing people—-even if they haul down your flag. And you’re for peace and love -- now! Particularly love now!” Llona held out her arms to him.

“All right, baby. Let’s you and me help me regain my perspective.” Archer got into bed. “Hey!” he exclaimed. “You’re not wearing anything.”

“It’s a hot night.” Llona snuggled up to him.

“The night? Or you?” Archer’s hand trailed down her spine and settled firmly over one of the burning globes of flesh beneath it.

“Fresh! Who said you could fondle my fundament?” L1ona’s breath was hot in her ear; her fingers scratched lightly over his chest and trailed down to his belly.

“It’s a husband’s prerogative.” He pinched her tenderly and traced the line between her nether-cheeks and legs. “And I’ve got the license to prove it.”

“License isn’t freedom to sneak into private places,” she murmured, pressing against him and parting her thighs.

“Isn't it?” He moved his hand to the pulsating area she’d made available.

“Not by the back door!” Llona gasped and kissed him; her erotic tongue was a wild bee stinging him to greater passion. “What have we here?” Her hand reached further down his belly and then turned into a fist to grasp the hard evidence of his arousal.

“I always carry a fountain pen in my pocket.” He bent his head and his tongue flicked at one of her long, red nipples. Then he caught it between his lips and her large, plump breasts trembled with the sensation.

“A leaky fountain pen?” Llona writhed against him, her mons Veneris hot and pulsating against his tumescence, urged on by the hand reaching around from behind her to explore it.

“My fountain pen can spurt too!” Archer pulled away, rose up on his knees, and turned her over on her stomach. He grasped her hips and she rose to a half-crouch. He pulled her back and lunged forward at the same time.

“Not there!” Llona gasped and pulled away.

“Oops! Sorry!” Archer’s hands moved over her derriere until he’d brought the target into view. Then he plunged once again. This time he hit the mark.

“Ahh!” Llona wriggled backward greedily. Her firm, round nether-cheeks began rotating slowly.

Archer reached around in front of her with one hand and caressed the soft, trembling flesh of her inner thigh. His fingers trailed over the furry triangle of blonde down at the base of her belly. Then he dipped more deeply until he’d established contact with her tense, burning, slippery clitoris. He stroked it in time with the back-and-forth movements of his assault from the rear.

“Oh! Oh! Oh! That drives me wild!” Llona panted.

“Both ways at once!” Her body moved sack, and forth frantically now, savoring the dual contact.

Archer grasped one of her breasts with his other hand and squeezed it and traced the wide aureole and manipulated the hard, pointy nipple. They didn’t speak anymore. The only sounds were those of their excited breathing and the slap-slap of Llona’s flushed buttocks against his muscular, straining thighs. Their passion mounted and became frantic. Together they approached the ecstatic release for which their bodies yearned. They were just on the verge of it when --

It was as if the Twentieth Century Limited had just been driven full speed through their bedroom. It was like a dozen Con Ed triphammers ra-ta-ta-ted in their ears at the same It was a hundred racing car engines revving up simultaneously, the Pacific fleet with cannon all roaring, Chinese New Year and somebody dropped a match in the warehouse where the fireworks were stored.

Ears sensitized by sex, the sudden assault of sound threw them. Archer tumbled backward, grabbing for his ears. Llona fell forward, seeking relief from the noise by burying her head under the pillow. Orgasm was not merely thwarted; momentarily it was forgotten.

The bed shook. The windows shook. The whole house shook. And then, as suddenly as it had come, the sonic boom was gone. Llona pulled her head out from under the covers. Archer picked himself up off the floor.

“God damn jets!" they said simultaneously.

“Did you—-umm-make it?” Archer asked delicately.

“No. You?”

“No.” Archer chuckled wryly. “Couldn’t you think of anybody either?” he inquired.

“That’s not funny!”

“I’m sorry. You’re right. It was a bad joke.”

“Lousy Air. Force!” Llona’s anger smouldered and built.

“It’s all part of the same thing,” Archer brooded. “The Vietnam war, the military-industrial complex, an air base in our backyard, planes killing off my tomato plants with their damn jet streams . . .”

“Your tomato plants? What about my sex life!”

“Damn sonic boom shaking all the tiles loose on the roof so now they have to be replaced. . . .”

“Let’s replace them with an antiaircraft gun!” Llona fumed. “Shoot ’em down!”

“There’s probably a village ordinance against that,” Archer couldn't resist saying.

“All right! You want a sign? Then let’s put it up on the roof where those bastards can see it! Let’s lay it on them directly!" Llona was trembling with frustration and anger.

Hell hath no fury like a woman left hung-up. Such was the impetus for the tiled sentiment on the roof. Llona’s fury stayed with her and the very next day she ordered the tiles.

They were delivered on a Friday. The next morning Archer awoke to find the bed beside him empty. He got up, washed, dressed, and wandered through the house looking for Llona. He found her out in the backyard.

She had set up a tall ladder which reached to the flat roof of the house. As Archer came out, she was halfway to the ladder, balancing a basket and climbing shakily. The basket was loaded with squares of tile.

“What are you doing?” Archer inquired.

“I’m bringing the tile up to the roof so I can start working on it.”

Areher looked at the stacks of tiles which had been delivered. They covered the patio and were piled up waist-high. “You mean you’re going to carry them all up the ladder?” he asked. “It’ll take you all year. You’ll be an old lady by the time you’re through. An old lady with a broken back.”

“You want to do it?”

“Hell no!”

“Then shut up and stop making snide remarks.”

“But you’re going about it ridiculously.”

“Oh? Well, maybe I should just stand down there and toss them up on the roof one-by-one. How would that be?”

“Just about your speed.”

“Well, just what would you suggest?”

Archer stood a moment, appraising the situation and scratching his head. Then he snapped his fingers. “Simple,” he decided. “Just old-fashioned Amurrican ingenuity. Come on down off that ladder and leave it to Thomas Alva Hornsby.”

Stubbornly, Llona climbed the rest of the way to the roof and deposited her tiles there. Then she climbed down and stood, hands on hips, and looked at Archer. Her posture said she was skeptical and waiting to be shown.

Archer showed her. He went to the garage and rolled out a small barrel. He fetched a couple hundred feet of strong rope from the basement. Finally he came up with a pulley wheel.

With Llona watching, he moved the ladder until it lined up with an overhanging eave at the corner of the roof. Then he climbed to the top of the ladder and investigated the beam which jutted out from the side of the building to support the cave. There was just enough room between the beam and the eave for his purposes.

Archer came down the ladder, collected the pulley wheel, a pair of metal braces, a hammer, and some very large nails. He went up again and secured the pulley wheel to the beam, making sure it could turn freely in the space between the beam and the overhanging eave. Then he fetched the rope, strung it through the groove in the pulley wheel, and let both ends fall to the ground below.

On the ground again, he cut off some of the rope and fashioned it into a harness which he attached to the barrel. Then he tied one of the ends of the pulley rope to the harness. Pulling on the other end of the rope, he pulled the empty barrel up to the roof. He lopped off the excess rope, leaving enough to tie the end of the pulley rope to the back doorpost cemented into the patio.

Archer moved the ladder out of the way of the pulley set-up and propped it against the house. “Up you go,” he instructed Llona. As she was climbing he lowered the barrel to the ground and started filling it with tiles. When it was full, he hauled the barrel up to the roof and secured the other end of the rope to the doorpost. “You empty it, baby,” he called.

Llona removed the tiles and stacked them on the roof. Archer lowered the barrel and they repeated the process. It took them most of the day, but in this fashion they moved all the tiles to the roof.

The next day they started laying the tiles. Monday Archer went to work and Llona continued the job by herself. She had to fit it in between her other household tasks and it took her about three weeks to complete the project.

Now it was done, and the bikini-clad Llona stood on the roof muttering at herself for having ordered too many tiles. Diverted now from her anger at the Air Force training plane which had so rudely buzzed her, she set about gathering up the excess tiles and stacking them on the roof near the beam where the pulley wheel was secured. When this was completed, she climbed down the ladder and pulled the empty barrel up to the roof. She secured the other end to the doorpost, climbed back up the ladder, and started loading the excess tiles into the barrel. There was really an overflow, but Llona stubbornly insisted on jamming all the tiles into the barrel so that she wouldn't have to make more than one more trip down the ladder. It wasn’t easy, but she managed to cram in all the extra tiles.

Back down on the ground, Llona untied the other end of the pulley rope from the doorpost, preparatory to lowering the tile-filled barrel to the ground. But Llona had overlooked two factors: the overloaded barrel was much heavier now than it had been when Archer had packed it more sensibly and hauled the tiles up to the roof; and Llona herself weighed about fifty pounds less than Archer did.

The disparity became immediately obvious. As Llona released the rope from the doorpst, it jerked hard. She had to struggle to hold onto it—-which may have been her second mistake. The barrel started down and Llona started up. Slowly at first, but then both picked up speed.

Halfway up the side of the house, Llona and the barrel met. Descending at a nice clip, the barrel was slowed by the contact just long enough to tangle with Llona’s arms and legs. Panicky, she pushed it away from her. With it went both parts of her and a fair amount of scraped skin.

Now the barrel hurled toward the ground. Naked, Llona shot toward the roof. Both reached their destinations simultaneously.

Llona cracked her head on the overhanging roof eave. The barrel crashed to the cemented patio and its bottom split open, spewing tiles. With the tiles pry longer in the barrel, the Law of Gravity swung into reverse. Llona was now heavier than the barrel.

She started downward like a dropped stone. The empty barrel hurtled upward. This time when they were parallel, she desperately tried to reach out to grab it, hoping to slow her descent. It didn’t work. The barrel claimed some more skin as it proceeded up the length of her naked body, but it kept right on going.

The unlucky nude hit the ground hard. An Air Force training plane zoomed very low and almost crashed into the Hornsby clothesline as the pilot confirmed to himself that the shapely lady was indeed bluejay-naked. That was the last thing Llona remembered. The landing had jarred her and she had let go of. the rope. The result was that the barrel came crashing down and bopped her smack on the top of her curly blonde head!

Llona was just coming out of it when Archer arrived home to find her sprawled out naked in the backyard. “Christ, Llona!” He lit onto her angrily. “What the hell’s the matter with you? Nude sunbathing where the whole goddam Air Force can see you!”

“I wasn’t sunbathing,” she said groggily.

“No? Well what do you call it? A USO burlesque show?”

“Please, Archer. I have a terrible headache.”

“You do? Well what about those poor pilots? Think of the headaches they must have from eyestrain! Just what the hell did you think you were doing?!”

“Not what you think,” Llona told him weakly. She went on to explain what had happened. “And now I have this headache,” she concluded. “You bastard! Stop laughing!”

“I’m sorry, honey. It’s just—” Archer started laughing again. When he was finally able to stop, he took out a handkerchief and wiped the tears from his eyes. “I am sorry. But you have to admit it’s pretty ludicrous. I mean the picture of you --”

“I hurt my head!” Llona said angrily. “Instead of standing there cackling like an idiot, you‘ should be taking me to a doctor!” She stamped her foot, her face went suddenly vague, and she fainted.

Archer rushed her to the doctor. “Concussion,” the doctor diagnosed. “She'll be feeling faint and weak for a few days, but it will go away."

It didn’t go away. A week later Lona was feeling worse than she had when the accident first occurred. Over her “mad” at Archer, and not wanting to worry him, she consulted the doctor on her own. He recommended a specialist. Llona also went to see the specialist without telling Archer.

“How did it happen?” the specialist asked.

Llona told him.

The specialist Laughed and laughed and laughed.

“I don’t think you’re behaving in a very professional manner,” Llona said icily. ‘

“No sympathy from me, young lady! Such words on your roof! Anti-American policy! Shooting’s too good for all you people! You only got a small part of what you deserve!”

“With doctors hanging out of every Caddy on the road, I have to pick a hawk!” Llona rued aloud.

“There are no Commies in the AMA,” he assured her. “Well, we’ll just have to X-ray that fuzzy head out yours,” he added, “and see it may be one of those radical screws got knocked looser than it was.”

“Doctor; you fill me with confidence!”

For the next three hours the neurological diagnostician took X-ray pictures of Llona’s skull from every conceivable angle. “Are you sure you’re not just taking out your political pique by me with roentgens?” Llona inquired toward. the end of the session.

“Roentgens serve a purpose too, young lady. Like strontium 90 it weeds out the weak from the strong. Survival of the fittest.”

“Are you trying to cure me, or kill me?”

“Neither. I’m just trying to find out what's wrong with you. All right, I’m through now. You can leave. Make an appointment with my secretary for a week from today. By then the X-rays will be developed and I'll have had a chance to study them.”

“Well, if a V symbol shows up near my frontal lobes, don’t get your Birchers in an uproar. It's just a deviated septum. I’ve had it since I was a child.”

“Bomb Hanoi!" he snarled by way of farewell.

“Physician, heal thyself!” Llona retorted sweetly.

All the same, she was back a week later to receive the diagnosis. The doctor greeted her with a warm smile which, even given their short acquaintance, Llona judged to be out of character for him. “How is your head?” he asked solicitously.

“How is my head? That’s what I’m here to find out.”

“Your head is not right,” he told her.

“Look, I'm not interested in your political opinions!”

“I assure you, young lady, my political judgment would be much harsher! I am speaking professionally. Your head is not right!"

“What wrong with it?”

He launched into a highly technical explanation, obviously relishing the fact that he lost her halfway through it.

“What does all that mean?"

“It means you knocked loose a chunk of your brain and that’s why you have the headaches. But I can give you something for them; the only thing is that there’s nothing to do about the condition itself. I've consulted with two prominent neurosurgeons and they agree that your condition is inoperable.”

“So I guess I’ll just have to get used to walking around with my brains rattling,” Llona said philosophically.

“Not for too long.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that the loose brain matter is slowly shifting. When it encroaches on the other part of your brain—Kaput!”

“Kaput?”

“Kaput! About a year, I should say.”

“Are you telling me that I have a year to live?"

“That's right. But you won’t be in pain. The end will come quickly and you’ll be able to function quite normally until then.” ‘

“I don’t believe it!"

“Are you denigrating my professional competence?” The doctor turned nasty.

“I sure am! I used to watch that series.”

“Series? What series?”

“On TV. The very first program this quack doctor tells the hero he’s only got like maybe a year to live. And you know what?”

“No. What?”

“The series ran for three years and that doomed hero was still going strong. He’d still be alive and well today if the ratings hadn’t fallen off.”

“Very interesting.”

“So why should I believe you?”

“It doesn’t matter whether you do or not. One year. That’s all you’ve got. Then one less subversive in this country.”

“Doctor, you’re all heart!” Llona got to her feet and flounced out of his office.

But a few moments later, when she was alone in her car, the full import of her diagnosis hit her. One year to live! It didn’t seem possible. One year to live! Well, she was certainly going to cancel her old age insurance policy. One year to live! God damn that barrel anyway!

One year to live!

CHAPTER TWO

Who sez bad news travels fast? The fact is that sometimes it doesn’t travel at all. Sometimes it sticks to the tip of the tongue like congealed molasses. Sometimes its ear-y target is stopped up with the wax of other concerns. Far from zinging, bad news—sometimes—-goes into hibernation, waiting out that right moment which may never come.

So it was with Llona. When she arrived home from the doctor’s that night, the first thing she intended to do, naturally, was to fill in Archer on impending widowerhood. But she found that tragedy was no panacea for problems of communication.

“Archer,” she began, “I have something to tell you.”

“Goddammit!” Archer was violently plowing through the contents of the clothing closet in their bedroom. “Where the hell is my bowling ball?”

“It’s not in there,“ Llona told him.

“No?”

“No. You left it in the bottom drawer of your bureau. Remember?”

“Oh, yeah.” Archer walked over to the bureau, bent over, and pulled out the bottom drawer.

“Archer, I don’t know how to say this, but --”

“OWEE! OH-OH-OH!” Straightening up with the bowling ball, Archer suddenly dropped it, doubled over, and grabbed at his back, groaning his anguish.

“Oh, dear. It's your spine again, isn’t it? Archer, when will you learn to be more careful? You know you throw that vertebra out every time you bend like that.” ’

“Oh, Llona! Ooh-ooh-ooh!”

“All right now. Take it easy.” She helped him over to the bed. “Now lie down.”

“I can't lie down! Ow!”

“That’s right. I forgot. Well, then, get down on your knees and sort of lean over the side of the bed. That’s right.” Llona pulled his shirt up over his shoulders and started manipulating his spinal column. Her knowing fingers worked their way down until she felt the spot where the trouble was. She dug in her thumbs and twisted hard.

“YIIEE!”

“That should do it. Stand up now, Archer.”

He stood up. “I’ll be damned! Just fine now, Llona; Like it never happened.”

“That’s good, darling. Now, there’s something --”

“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” Archer said sincerely.

“Oh, darling.” Llona was really touched. “I have to tell you —“

“Did you see my bowling shoes?”

“They’re on the other side of the same drawer. Archer, what I want to tell you is--”

“Where? I don’t see them.”

Llona elbowed him aside, reached into the drawer and came up the bowling shoes. “Right here. If you weren’t careful, they’d jump up and bite you."

“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” Archer said again, grinning, but meaning it.

“Yes. Well, that’s what I want to talk to you about. You see --”

“Oh, by the way—-before I forget—Howie asked us over for dinner Friday night. I told him okay.”

“But it's not okay. Have you forgotten we’re going to your boss’s for bridge Friday night?”

“Damn! I did forget!”

“Well, don’t worry about it,” Llona told him. I'll call and straighten it out.”

“I really don’t know how I’d get along without you!”

Archer put his arms around her and kissed her. “I guess I’d just go all to pieces.”

“Oh, Archer!” Llona was all choked up.

“Now, what was it you wanted to tell me?”

“Just—-” Llona swallowed hard. “Nothing,” she decided.

“But you said it was important.”

“It was so important I've forgotten what it was," Llona lied.

“Oh. Okay . . . What’s for dinner?”

Bittersweet hearts of Llona. That was her fare. There was scant sustenance in it for Llona during the days which followed.

I don't know what I’d do without you.

Those Words of Archer’s haunted Llona. What would he do without her? How would he get along? What would stop him from going to pieces? He was so dependent on her! And she loved him; she really loved him so damn much! How could she leave him? How could she not?

There was really no choice. She was going to leave him whether she wanted to or not. The dice had been thrown and come up snake-eyes. She was passing out of the game.

But she couldn’t just leave Archer—so helpless, so dependent on her—to his own inept, floundering devices. He’d never survive without her. Somehow she had to make some sort of arrangements to insure his future. Somehow she had to make sure that he would be cared for. Somehow-—

And that’s when the idea hit Llona. When she was gone Archer would need someone to look after him. However, as Archer’s wife, Llona was well aware of his shortcomings. He was a bad judge of character, a poor evaluator of people -- particularly women. Any female could wrap him around her little finger. Llona was sure of that because of the ease with which she herself had done it.

Ergo! The greatest gift she could leave behind for Archer would be to save him from his own poor judgment, and at the same time to insure that he’d be looked after and not left alone. Llona would choose for him. Llona would find her successor.

Her heart brimming over with love, Llona decided to devote the time left to her to selecting Archer’s second wife.

It wasn’t going to be easy. She knew that. Archer wasn’t the easiest man in the world to live with. To be brutally candid with herself about it, Archer was a slob. He never picked up his dirty socks and underwear. He couldn’t keep track or the simplest things. He was a hypochondriac and a simple cold reduced him to a state of infantilism. And his utter dependence on his wife was a mixed blessing which was as often exasperating as it was gratifying.

Still, he was very loving. He was conscientious about his work. He was completely faithful and Llona doubted that he’d ever so much as looked at another woman since their marriage. There was a lot to be said for the feeling of security a wife got from that quality in a husband.

Yes, there is a lot to be said for myopia -- emotional myopia that is. It may fuzzy up one’s picture, but that very blurring may result in a soft pleasantness that sharper vision never knows. Reality can be harsh; how much more bearable it is when colored with the pastels of illusion.

Llona, of course, like most people, made no distinction between reality and illusion in the coloring book of her mind. Time was running short, her crayons were down to the nub and it never occurred to her to question long-held assumptions now. It never occurred to her until weeks after first meeting with Shirley Simpell.

The meeting took place in front of the local supermarket. Llona had gone there to distribute leaflets urging people to write the President and insist that he bring the troops home from Vietnam NOW. She was surprised to find that another girl was already there handing out pamphlets.

“Hi.” Llona greeted her. “I'm Mrs. Hornsby. Did we get our signals crossed?”

“Hello. I'm Mrs. Simpell. Shirley Simpell. I don’t think so.” She handed Llona a leaflet.

Llona glanced at the flyer and then looked at Shirley Simpell, surprised. What startled her was the dichotomy between the sentiments expressed on the leaflet and the appearance of the girl distributing them. It seemed as incongruous to Llona as a babe in swaddling clothes wielding a loaded tommygun.

That dewy-eyed quality of innocence was the first thing anybody noticed about Shirley Simpell. She was about Llona’s age--mid-twenties—-but she conveyed the impression of being a teen-ager. Not, however, a teen-ager of the present; rather an adolescent out-of-sync, a bobbysoxer lifted from the 1940s and dropped into the world of today.

Indeed, she dressed the part, wearing knee socks and a too-tight sweater and a ribbon in her hair. But it wasn’t just that. It was more a matter of the personality conveyed by her outward appearance.

Shirley Simpell was shorter than Llona and quite compactly built. Her face was heart-shaped, soft with a roundness that was childlike. Her blue eyes were large and wondering, the lashes so long that at first glance it seemed they must be artificial. Her hair was soft brown and very curly and fell to her shoulders in the fashion of yesteryear. The most memorable thing about her face was two deep dimples that would not have been out of place on the behind of a new-born infant. It was a visage that seemed both saccharine and empty.

Together with her schoolgirl figure, Shirley Simpell’s appearance was the kind that's usually described by such phrases as “cute as a button,” or “adorably girlish,” or “cuddly as a bunny-rabbit.” Teenage boys would whistle at her on the street and she would toss, her skirts provocatively and pretend to ignore them while smiling secretly to herself. Older men‘ would look at her with a fatherly eye and privately restrain themselves from patting her pertly jiggling fanny.

Llona’s impulse, after reading the leaflet, was to treat Shirley’s bottom somewhat more roughly. Llona had to remind herself that she was nonviolent. The flyer, in contrast to Shirley's soft facade, was a hard line call to mobilize the public to influence the President to win the Vietnam war by any means-—including nuclear weaponry if necessary. The “Yellow Peril” had to be stopped; the “Red Menace” had to be wiped out; “death before dishonor in Vietnam”--and preferably Oriental death —was Shirley Simpell’s bag.

“Have one of mine,” Llona said tightly, handing Shirley a peace leaflet.

Shirley glanced at it and then looked at Llona. Llona stared back at her defiantly. They stayed that way for a long moment, eyes locked. “We seem to be on opposite sides of the fence,” Shirley said finally, flashing her dimples.

Llona thought an instant and then smiled back. It was a sort of communication and the only way to change anybody’s mind is to relate to them. It can’t be done by slamming the door in their face. That’s what flashed through Llona’s mind. “I’ll tell you what,” she suggested. “Why don’t I buy us a cup of coffee and we’ll talk about it.”

“All right.”

The actual words spoken over coffee weren’t too meaningful. But beneath the surface of the conversation a very interesting dialogue was taking place. This unspoken dialogue went something like this:

“Albert Schweitzer!” was the sentiment expressed by Llona. “Gandhi, Martin Luther King.”

“Patrick Henry,” was the response. “Teddy Roosevelt. Barry Goldwater.”

“Peace. Brotherhood. Love.”

“God. Motherhood. Country.”

“Humanity!” Ping!

“Patriotism!” Pong!

“Hiroshima. Nuremberg. My Lai!” from Llona.

“Remember the Alamo! Remember the Maine! Remember Pearl Harbor!” Shirley with fervor.

“Pete Seeger! Bob Dylan! The Beatles!"

“Kate Smith! George M. Cohan! Martha Raye!’

“Civil rights!” Llona simmered. “Civil disobedience!”

“Laissez-faire!” Shirley simpered. “Law-and-order!”

“Guaranteed annual wage! Guh-nip."

“Personal initiative! Guh-nop!”

“Lenny Bruce!”

“Bob Hope!”

“Dick Gregory!”

“Bob Hope!”

“Mort Shah!”

“Bob Hope! Bob Hope! Bob Hope!” Shirley was a true believer.

“Conservation! Industrial waste! Pollution!” agitated Llona.

“Pioneers! Property rights! Science and technology!”

“All we are saying is give peace a chance. . . .”

“God bless America, land that I. . .”

“Bogie! James Dean! W. C. Fields!” Llona’s earnest effort at communication.

“Ronnie! John Wayne! George Murphy!” Rejection.

“Eugene McCarthy!”

“Spiro forever! Long may he wave!”

“Any Kennedy!” Llona flaunted desperately.

“Okay. Any Kennedy.”

“Okay?” Surprise.

“A strong leader. Like Wallace.” Shirley explained.

“Wrong reason!”

“So what?”

“So what?” Whoa! Llona bit her tongue. So what indeed? A point of contact had been arrived at. It was tenuous, but it was there. If persuasion was the aim, then there was no point in attacking even the haziest area of agreement. No, this was a seed to be tended tenderly and some day—who knew?—a flower might bloom!

When she told Archer about it that night, she didn’t put it in quite such poetic terms. “I think I reached her for an instant,” Llona explained. “I think she can be reached and I think people like her have to be reached if the peace movement is ever going to get anywhere.”

“I wish I had your kind of faith in people.” Archer was skeptical.

“Anyway, I think we have to try. So I asked her over with her husband. I thought that in a social situation perhaps —“

“Wait a minute! You asked them over? When?”

“Tonight. But it’s only Shirley. Her husband’s out of town on business.”

“Oh, hell! You mean she's coming over here tonight? Damn it, Llona, I don’t want to spend the evening with some square Bircher type, biting my tongue and watching her busting her girdle with indignation -and going all red in the double chin because I don’t think Strom Thurmond’s the epitome of the American ideal.”

“Shirley’s not like that. You’ll see.”

Archer saw. Shirley Simpell was not at all what he’d expected. He’d envisioned some overweight matron with a horse-face and the zeal of a Barbara Frietchie on the stump. Instead of which he found himself sitting opposite this chick who was “cute as a button” with the face of a cherub .

Llona left them alone while she went to fix some coffee. Archer looked at Shirley with a fatherly eye and denied the impulse to pat her fanny. “You‘re the first hawk I’ve ever really had a chance to talk to," he told her frankly. “And you’re not at all like what I expected.”

“Oh? What did you expect?” Shirley winked her dimples.

“Oh, you know. A DAR type.”

“But I am a member of the DAR.”

“Groovy.” Archer couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“I think it’s ginger-peachy m self.”

“You think it’s what?”

“Ginger-peachy. Swell. You know, hunky-dory.”

“Hunky-dory? Like a Jim Crow boat, hey?”

“I don’t know what you mean. But I do know you're making fun of me.”

“I’m sorry. I was only teasing. I apologize.”

“Okee-doke.”

“Are you interested in semantics?” Archer tried a different tack.

“Gee whillikers, I don’t know. What do you mean?"

“Well.” Archer explained “like sometimes I think the real problem between hawks and doves is they’re not talking the same language. Semantics, you know. If that could be straightened out, then maybe everything else could. I mean, like that’s where it’s really at.”

“I never did understand what that’s supposed to mean, Shirley confessed. “I guess I’m just not hep.”

“Hip.” Archer corrected her.

“Holy cow! What difference does it make?

“About thirty years.”

“How are you two getting along?” Llona reentered with the coffee.

“We are trying to set up channels of communication,” Archer told her.

There was a long, awkward silence.

“Knock-knock,” Shirley broke it.

“Huh?” Llona and Archer looked at each other.

“Knock-knock.”

“Oh.” It dawned on Llona first. “Who’s there?”

“Albie.”

“Albie who?”

“Albie glad when you're dead, you rascal you.”

A sudden surge of self-pity welled up in Llona. “Excuse me.” Unable to control her tears, she bolted from the room.

“Was it something I said?” Shirley was genuinely concerned.

“I don’t think so. She's been acting funny lately. Over-emotional, if you know what I mean. I don't know why.”

“Oh. Well, I really should be going anyway. May I use your telephone to call a cab? It’s such a pain when my husband’s away on one of his trips with the car.”

“I’ll drive you home,” Archer offered.

“That’s not necessary.”

“I insist.”

“All right. Thanks.”

Archer told Llona he was driving Shirley home and they left. It seemed to Llona that he was gone a long time. A very long time. She commented on it when he finally did return.

“We sat in the car outside her house a little while, talking,” he explained. “You know, Llona, you were right before. I think the effort should be made to reach the hawks, and I think some of them can be reached.”

“Do you think you reached Shirley?”

“Well, I made a beginning. And I’m not giving up on her.”

“If you can move just one other person, it’s worth the effort,” Llona agreed.

It wasn't until a few weeks later, on a Sunday afternoon, that Llona learned just how determined an effort Archer was willing to make. He’d gone off to play golf, and she went up to the roof to sunbathe. As had become her custom, she took a pair of powerful binoculars up there with her.

The binoculars were part of the campaign she and Archer were waging against the Air Force. Every time she sunbathed on the roof, training planes would buzz the house. So she made a point of keeping track of the times and the planes and filing weekly complaints claiming invasion of privacy with both military and civilian authorities. The binoculars were used to read the identification numbers on the planes.

Today, however-—perhaps because it was Sunday -—there was virtually no air traffic. After baking for about an hour, Llona became bored. Her mind turned to her fateful prognosis and that depressed her. Rather than dwell on it, she picked up the binoculars and idly scanned the countryside.

“What do you know?” she exclaimed to herself aloud. She hadn't realized before that from the top of her roof she had such a clear view of the golf course lying to the south of the airbase. On a whim, she focused the binoculars on the first tee and then followed along to the second, third, and fourth holes, trying to spot Archer.

She found him in the rough between the fourth and fifth holes. The undergrowth was fairly tangled and high there, and it wasn’t until a moment later that Llona spotted his companion coming around a clump of bushes. It was Shirley Simpell.

Llona was mildly surprised—no more. When Archer went off to play golf, he usually didn’t make any date in advance. Often he joined up with whoever happened to be around for a twosome. Llona simply assumed that he’d met Shirley there by chance.

She continued watching them through the field glasses. They seemed a lot more intent on whatever they were talking about than they did on playing golf. But that didn’t bother Llona. She was proud of her husband for neglecting the sport he so enjoyed in order to make the conversational effort to sway Shirley from her hawkish notions. At least that’s what she assumed they must be discussing so earnestly.

It was just after the sixth hole that Llona began to doubt her assumption. They were in the rough again and Shirley had evidently lost her ball. It was a heavily wooded area and they didn’t seem to be making much of an effort to find it. They seemed much more intent on whatever they were saying to each other. When they sat down in a little grassy gully shielded from the rest of the area by trees, Llona’s doubt turned to awful suspicion.

The suspicion was confirmed when Archer took Shirley in his arms and kissed her. Llona adjusted the sights on the binoculars, bit her lip, and zeroed in on Archer’s hands as they roamed over the terrain of Shirley's sweater. “You bastard!” Mentally, Llona selected a number-three iron from Archer’s golf bag and bashed in his skull with it. She watched Shirley’s curly head bob as she assaulted Archer’s ear with her tongue. “You little bitch!” Carefully, Llona’s mind’s eye chose a niblick from Shirley’s bag and broke her pert little pug nose with it. Then she finished both of them off with Archer’s putter. “Not guilty!” Llona judged herself. “The right club for the right shot everytime!"

Now she focused on Archer’s hand above the top of Shirley’s knee socks. “Give peace a chance!” Llona ground her teeth together. She certainly hadn’t meant for Archer to give that piece a chance! She watched Shirley guide Archer’s hand to her sweatered breast and press it there. "I’m bigger than she is!” Llona reminded Archer who, of course, couldn’t hear her.

The reminder didn’t seem to affect him. He unbuttoned Shirley’s sweater and slid his fingers under her bra. Her hand was also under his clothing now, the nails raking his chest. “I hope she gouges out your heart!” Llona snarled as Archer pushed aside Shirley’s bra and started kissing the tip of one of her breasts. Llona focused on the purplish nipple and watched it swell. Then Archer caught it between his teeth and it vanished from view. “That's right! Bite it off!” Llona urged viciously.

Her breast straining against Archer’s lips and tongue, Shirley feverishly worked at the buttons of his plus fours until they were all opened and she was able to pull the golf pants down around his legs. “For such a nicey-nice little girl, you’re pretty damn aggressive, Missy!” Llona observed as Shirley’s hands reached inside Archer’s shorts greedily. When, a moment later, Shirley brought her fist-enclosed prize into view, Llona gasped with real outrage. “You sonofabitch! You never responded to me that much!”

Inspired, Archer pulled off Shirley’s panties and tossed them to one side. He pulled up her skirt and reached between her legs. “Baby fat!", Llona muttered. “Makes her thighs too heavy!" Excited by the contact, Shirley rolled over and pinned his hand in its nesting place. The way her bare derriere rose and fell testified to her making the most of the caress.

A moment later Shirley was on her knees again, her skirt up over her hips, her naked nether-cheeks describing circles in the air. Her head swooped low and her Cupid’s-bow mouth fulfilled the implication of its description. Archer’s body arched and he grabbed her by the ears, pushing her head further down. “Disgusting!” Llona decided . . . but she kept on watching.

Archer’s hands moved to Shirley’s hips now. He tugged at them until she scrambled around so that her lower body was over his face. She never lost her oral grip on him during the maneuver. His fingers sank into the flesh of her buttocks and his mouth rose eagerly to the kiss of her pulsating womanhood.

“Oooohhh! Now that’s too much!” Llona was beside herself. “All the time we’ve been married, you never did that to me, you lousy --” But mad as she was, Llona was aroused by what she saw through the binoculars. They were riveted now on the point of contact between Archer's face and Shirley’s rhythmically quivering sex organs. Llona moaned low in her throat at the movements of his lips and the darting of his tongue. Her hand slid under her own bikini as she watched Shirley’s clitoris swell. Llona writhed on the rooftop and stared through the binoculars at the contractions of Shiley’s nether-mouth.

Archer’s thighs closed over Shirley’s ears, his hands pressed down hard on the nape of her neck; lust was released in a long, drawn-out series of explosions that left her choking. Shirley didn’t mind; she’d settled solidly over his mouth now; he almost suffocated with the insistence of her long-lasting release of passion. Simultaneously, Llona -- involved beyond remembering her jealousy -- dropped the binoculars and rolled across the rooftop with the frenetic intensity of her own voyeuristic orgasm.

It was a few moments before Llona recovered enough to pick herself up. She located the binoculars and refocused them on the gully. Archer and Shirley were no longer there. She caught up with them on the putting green of the sixth hole.

Archer was putting. He lined up the shot carefully and sank it. He jumped up and down excitedly. Through the binoculars, Llona could read his lips. “A birdie!” he was exulting. “I sank a birdie!”

“In the wrong hole!” Llona muttered grimly. “You sank it in the wrong hole, Archer! And believe me, if it’s the last thing I ever do -- which seems likely--you’re going to pay the penalty!”

What penalty? Why, let the punishment fit the crime! And trust poor Llona to come up with one calculated to insure that she would die a happy girl!

Poor Llona! First death staring her in the face, and now the shock of finding out her husband was unfaithful to her. It just wasn’t her century! Poor Llona!

And poor, unsuspecting Archer!

CHAPTER THREE

In the year 1632, the Countess of Cleves hired two professional assassins to chastise her unfaithful husband by pouring hot wax in his ear. A few hundred years earlier, the Baroness of Schleswig-Holstein cut short her husband's infidelities by means of castration and beheading; both detached portions of his anatomy were hung from a pike in the public square as a warning to would-be adulterers. More recently, in the mid-1950s, a Long Island suburban housewife arranged for the Mafia to discipline her wandering mate by cutting out his cunnilingual tongue and sending him to the bottom of Jamaica Bay in a cement overcoat.

The Countess, The Baroness, the Long Island housewife -- the Marquis DeSade himself—all were in the minor leagues compared to the diabolical punishments Llona contrived for Archer in her fantasies. In her fury, slow fire was too fast, drawing-and-quartering too merciful, the rack too tolerable for Archer. She thought of impaling him on one of his own red-hot irons, but she wasn’t sure whether the number four or number six was the proper club to use. Smearing his naked body with honey and staking him to an ant-hill near the fifth green was an appealing idea; however, there was too much risk of him being discovered by some foursome playing through. Putting from his groin with his natural masculine equipment in place of golf balls was also an intriguing thought, but Llona had never managed to perfect her backswing, and she was afraid she’d miss more often than not.

No, she decided, mere physical torture wouldn’t do. One had to be modern. The desired end was the Hellfire of Eternity, or at least a lifetime of agony. In keeping with the times, that meant that what was needed was the anguish of psychological suffering. The equivalent, of brain-washing with slow-acid—that was the ticket!

When originally confronted with her death sentence, Llona, filled with concern for Archer, had decided to find a successor to herself who would care for his needs. Now she mulled over the idea of a successor as punishment for his sins. Yes! The way to get even with Archer was to saddle him with a wife who would make his life a living hell! But how?

How? Women move in mysterious ways their wickedness to perform. In the vegetable bin of her memory, Leona found a trio of toadstools to implement her revenge. The poisonous fungi were Mrs. Neva Holdkumb, wife of Archer’s boss, Olivia Valentine, Archer’s cousin by marriage, and Mrs. Adelaid Hornsby, Ar- cher’s mother.

To understand the connection between these three unlikely ladies and Archer’s punishment would require a Ph. D. in Feminine Logic. Simply to appreciate the role of Archer’s mother alone in Llona’s Machiavellian scheming might call for a postgraduate course in Advanced Intrigue. Also, one would have to be in possession of certain facts known only to Archer -- and Llona, to whom Archer had confided them in a moment of marital intimacy which the history of the human race from Achilles on down tells us must inevitably be regretted.

Fact number one: Archer loved his mother. Nothing unusual in that; so did Hamlet, not to mention Oedipus. Archer’s love was not dissimilar. Ever-present was the guilt engendered by the sight of his mother’s naked left breast slipping free from her nightgown when he was five years old. The sight stayed with him through puberty and provided the first fantasy pictures inspiring an activity which caused Archer to clench his fists all through adolescence lest he reveal signs of warts on the palms of his sinful hands. By then Archer’s mother had been widowed, which compounded his feelings of guilt and added the suspicion of inadvertent patricide to the crime of incest. Even after he was married, in -his twenties, the sight of his mother crossing her legs was enough to make Archer break out in a cold sweat.

Fact number two: Archer hated his mother.

Lust’s Old Sweet Song, music copyright by Sigmund Freud and the Viennese Sycophancy, orchestration by Philip Roth. First movement -- too-early toilet training with over-extended counterpoint of “Did-You-Move-Your-Bowels-Today-My-Son?" Second movement — notable for repetitive phrasing as follows: “Scrub-Your Teeth . . . Brush-Your-Ears . . . Press-Your-Nails . . . Dry- Your-Pants . . . Cut-Your-Hands-When-You-Go-To-The-Bathroom . . .” Third movement—Nutri-Mania (“Eat-All-Your-Greens-Not-In-Between”) followed by The Celibacy Finale (“Stay-Away-From-Girls-Sex-Marriage") building to the tragic crescendo of “You’re-Killing-Your-Mother-The-Way-You-Live.” Throughout the Archer Hornsby Symphony in G (for Guilt) Major, there is the underlying theme of bittersweet castrati humming their resentment. ’Nuf said.

Fact number three: Mother Hornsby loved Archer. Lest there be doubt, consider this poem she never wrote:

MOTHER’S HOME-BAKED METAPHORS

“As the Ebb-Tide loves the Lemming --

“As the Oven loves the Bun --

"As the Napalm loves the Rice-Stalk —

“That’s how I love you, My Son!”

“As the Buzzard loves the Carrion --

“As the Virus loves the Cure—

“As the Vampire loves the Blood Bank—

“So my Mother-Love is Pure!”

"As the Quicksand loves the Midget—-

“As the Molars love to Chew-—

"As the Grinder loves the Sausage—-

“Ahh! how much your Mom loves YOU!”

Fact number four: Mother Hornsby hated Archer. Why? Firstly, because teething preceded weaning and she still had the scar to prove it. Secondly, because he never picked up his socks, changed his underwear, or let her squeeze his blackheads without howling. Thirdly, because he was just like his father who was the last man in the world Mother Hornsby should have married in the first place. Fourthly, because the time came when Archer obviously preferred younger women, girl-snits, to his self-sacrificing old, mother. Fifthly, because he didn’t take proper care of himself, yet stubbornly remained in the best of health. And sixthly-—worst of all -- he had married over her objections and continued to live contentedly with That Woman.

Fact number five: Mother Hornsby hated That Woman. One manifestation of this was her inability to remember the name of her only son’s wife. Other manifestations ran the gamut from tears at having her advice ignored to snarls of disapproval at Llona’s miniskirts. Included were darts of sarcasm (“What will you do, Llona dear, when bosoms go out of fashion?”), sniper shots of unwanted advice (“If you keep eating candy like that, people will think you’re pregnant”), and blockbusters of hostility (“No woman could have asked for a better son before Archer married you; you’re turning him against me!”) Yes, Mother Hornsby truly loathed Llona—and the feeling was mutual!

Nevertheless, as one of the trio of ladies who might prove useful in getting revenge on Archer, Mrs. Hornsby was looked at by Llona in a new light. Llona knew that one of the biggest things Archer’s mother had against her was that she felt she had been cheated of her right to dictate the choice of her son’s wife. Mrs. Hornsby had several likely candidates in the days before Archer met Llona, and she had been anything but shy in her attempts to foist them on her son. Once, shortly rafter their marriage, Archer had given Llona a rundown of them.

“Euphremia Hossenpfeffer--number one on Mama’s list of eligibles-—was a wealthy meat-packer’s daughter with a cleft palate and hairy arms; she used a perfume that smelled like raw liver. Then there was Brunhilde Blatt, whose major charm accrued from the profits of her daddy’s undertaking parlor; she always had this ghoulish smile -- as if the corners of her mouth had been frozen with formaldehyde. And Prudence Pflugel, a pimply, pasty-faced girl with three chins whom Mom prized for her virtue and who was really putting out for Hershey bars and Oh Henrys. Also Anastasia Gluck, who swapped recipes with Mom, and who had been permanently virginized by a childhood operation in which a drunken surgeon had sewn up the wrong fissure; in fairness, she really turned on when her appendicitis sear was fondled. And there was Gertrude Twombly (moustached) and Hildegarde Horst (I.Q. 68) and Lurlene Finkelstein (breastless) and . . ."

Now Llona wondered if any of Mrs. Hornsby’s candidates were still available. If not, knowing her mother-in-law, Llona was sure she’d gladly provide an updated list. And without Llona around to act as a buffer, there was a good chance that Archer wouldn’t be strong enough to stand up against a second marital assault by his mother. What sweet revenge that would be!

The first step was to motivate Mrs. Hornsby. To take it, Llona drove over to her mother-in-law’s house one weekday morning. Her reception was typical.

“Well, look who’s here.” Mrs. Hornsby answered the doorbell. “It’s what’s-her-name.” Mrs. Hornsby was a small woman, but she blocked the doorway as effectively as a Green Bay lineman. “To what do I owe the honor, uh ...uh...uh...”

“Llona.” Llona smiled sweetly. “Llona, your daughter-in-1aw,” she identified herself. “You remember me. The girl who married your only son.”

“I have no son!” Mrs. Hornsby remained planted in the doorway as firmly as if she was the dedicated wife of a vacuum cleaner manufacturer and Llona a Hoover-peddling rival. “Once I had a son,” she added, “but since he got married I might as well be dead as far as he or his wife is concerned. He’s a good boy and does what he’s told, and she tells him to stay away from me, so now I have no son.”

“Oh, Mother Hornsby, that’s ridiculous! I never --” Llona’s deodorant was melting with anger, but she cut herself short, determined to maintain control. “Aren't you going to ask me in?” She managed another smile.

“Wipe your feet.”

Llona obediently wiped her feet and followed Mrs. Hornsby into the living room. Mrs. Hornsby turned and faced Llona, arms She didn’t ask Llona to sit down. Her attitude was warm and friendly as I an ice-knife in a deep-freeze.

“I don’t suppose you have any of that delicious coffee you make on the fire.” Llona was determined to thaw her out.

“I always have coffee on.” Mrs. Hornsby gave a little and her tone softened imperceptibly. She struggled with it a moment and pride won. “Come in the kitchen. I’ll give you a cup."

“That would be really nice.” Llona followed her again, feeling like a hungry hobo who knows the handout will never be worth all the wood he’ll have to chop.

Grudgingly, Mrs. Hornsby motioned for Llona to sit down at the kitchen table. She poured two cups of coffee, handed one to Llona, fetched sugar and cream, and sat down opposite her daughter-in-law. “You want cookies, or something, uh...uh...uh...”

“Llona. No thanks.”

“I didn't think so. You have to watch your figure, huh? Well, if I were you, I’d do the same. Girls like you have a tendency to run to fat.”

“That’s never really been my problem.” Llona sipped her coffee and spoke again quickly before the subject of her weight could develop into an argument. “You really make the most delicious coffee,” she complimented Mrs. Hornsby. “I wish I knew your secret. Mine always comes out like mud.”

“You don’t take any trouble with it, that’s why. It’s too bad. Archer does love his coffee so. Before he married you, I told him, I said, ‘Archer, that girl will never make a decent cup of coffee. Archer,’ I said, ‘one look at what’s-her-name is all I need to know her coffee will be swamp water nine mornings out of ten.’ Well, I was right!”

“I admire your frankness.” Llona carefully kept her voice free of sarcasm.

“I always speak the truth, even when it hurts.”

“Especially when it hurts.” It slipped out.

“Some people can’t face the truth. But that’s their own fault and their own worry, not mine,” Mrs. Hornsby said pointedly.

“Yes. I suppose so. And in a way, that’s what I came to talk to you about.”

“Meaning what?”

“Well, Mother Hornsby, I’ve just had to face a very unpleasant truth about myself.”

“Which one?” Zing!

“I went to the doctor recently and-—”

“The garbage you eat, I don’t wonder 'you’re sick. It amazes me“ Archer survives. He’s always had such a delicate stomach.”

“I can’t understand that,” Llona purred. “After all, most of his life he’s had the benefit of your cooking.”

“He inherited it from his father.” Mrs. Hornsby stared her down.

“Anyway, it wasn’t my stomach,” Llona continued doggedly. “It’s my head. You see, I took this fall and-—”

“You have an unusually soft head. I saw that right away. I told Archer, I said, ‘what’s-her-name has--’ ”

“You’re right.” Llona dared to interrupt. She wanted to get to the point. “But it doesn’t matter anymore. You see, from what the doctor told me, I don’t have very long to live.”

There was a long silence. “You sure you don’t want some cookies?” Mrs. Hornsby said finally.

“No. thank you.”

“Why not? I mean, now it doesn’t make any difference, you might as well.”

“You’re all heart, Mother Hornsby.”

“Why make it easy on the pallbearers?”

“All heart . . .”

“I believe in being frank.” Mrs. Hornsby got up, fetched some cookies, and set them down in front of Llona. “Here, try these.”

“All right.” Llona nibbled at a cookie.

“How long before . . . umm . . . ?” Mrs. Hornsby asked delicately.

“A little less than a year now . . . roughly.”

“How is Archer taking it?”

“I haven’t told him.”

“That’s good. He’s got enough to worry about.”

“Yes. He does have a lot on his mind,” Llona remembered grimly.

“That surprises me. I wouldn’t expect you to be so considerate.”

Llona ignored the dig. “The thing is,” she said carefully, “I’m concerned about how Archer will get along after I—after. He’s so dependent on me and-—”

Mrs. Homsby snorted.

“Well, he is!” Llona showed her anger. “He’s like a baby. I have to do everything for him. Who’s going to --?”

“Don’t trouble yourself. He’s got a mother. I looked after him before and I’ll look after him again.”

“But you won’t live forever, either,” Llona pointed out in a voice syrupy with arsenic.

“People in glass mausoleums shouldn’t throw --"

“I’m sorry. I’m just trying to be like you. Frank and honest and truthful, you know.” Llona took a deep breath. “The thing is, I could face this better if I knew for sure that Archer would be looked after when I’m gone. I mean, when I think of how naive he is about women—”

“You should know that all right!” Zing! “Who should know better than you?” Zing! “If he hadn’t been so innocent, he never would have married you in the first place!” Zing!

“Mother Hornsby! You’re not making this any easier!" Llona controlled herself. “The thing is, since he is so naive, I feel responsible for him; For his future, I mean. And so I thought if I could find just the right girl for him-—” Llona was easing into her flanking maneuver. “I mean, who would know better than I, his wife, what sort of woman would make Archer happy after I’m gone?”

“Who would know better’? His mother! That’s who!” Mrs. Hornsby stepped into the beartrap.

“That’s really what I wanted to talk to you about, Mother Hornsby. Now I’m going to be frank and honest, just as frank and honest as you are. I know your intentions are good, but I'm here to beg you not to interfere. You’ll only set Archer back so he’ll end up married to some woman who might be fine from your point of view, but would probably be disastrous as far as Archer is concerned. I want to plead with you to realize that I know what’s best for Archer and please not to meddle.”

“Meddle!” Mrs. Hornsby sputtered. “Of all the nerve! Do you think I’m going to sit idly by and let you pick someone for Archer just like you?”

“Archer’s very satisfied with me as a wife.”

“You’ve brainwashed him! And now that there’s another chance, I’m going to do everything I can to see my son married to the right kind of woman.”

“Your ‘right kind of woman’! You could ruin his whole life! Well, I’m not going to let you! The only way you’ll get to pick Archer’s second wife is over my dead body!”

“Exactly!” Mrs. Hornshy was triumphant, unaware that the steel teeth of the beartrap had just snapped shut.

“Well, at least you won’t be able to do anything while I'm still alive. But I will. And if I have my way, the whole thing will be settled before I die. I had hoped that compassion -- if nothing else -- might make you reasonable. I had hoped that you’d agree to butt out. But I can see you’re going to make this a war. Very well then! Goodbye, Mrs. Hornsby!" Llona flounced out of the house.

“Who says I can’t do anything while she’s still alive,” Mrs. Hornsby muttered to herself, furious. She stood by the window and watched Llona drive off, her mind busy. She thought about some of the girls she knew who might be suitable for Archer. Of course, technically, he was still a married man, but with finesse that could be handled. Not that she’d approve of his having sex with another woman while Llona was still his wife. Oh, no! Mrs. Hornsby prided herself on her high moral standards. But sex wasn’t everything! As a matter of fact, it was the least important qualification for a wife for Archer as far as she was concerned . . . Yes, Mrs. Hornsby would beat Llona at her own game and she wouldn’t wait for her death to do it.

Driving away, Llona guessed at Mrs. Hornsby’s intentions and was satisfied. In terms of her influence on Archer, Mrs. Hornsby was a powerful force. As an unwitting ally, she might prove to be a powerful instrument of revenge.

But Llona was not one to put all her eggs in one Mama Hen’s basket. Just in case Archer should prove strong enough to withstand motherly pressure, Llona was prepared to see to it that his path was strewn with other potentially marriageable vixens capable of making his life hell. In line with this, her second stop was at the apartment of Mrs. Neva Holdkumb, wife of Archer’s boss.

Mrs. Neva Holdkumb, whose appearance had beat the years to the half-century mark, was one of those overweight women unkindly described as looking like a rhinoceros. The description was unfair. She really looked more like a hippopotamus. Except around the month, where she looked like a hyena. When she smiled, she resembled Dracula with a toothache. When she scowled, she simply looked like a toothache. Add eyes as red as fresh-killed meat, breasts shaped like gristly hexagons, a snout like a boar’s head ducking for apples, legs like fat fountain pens bursting their veins with blue ink, and most of the salient points of Mrs. Neva Holdkumb’s physique have been touched.

She had a personality to match. She was childless and obsessed with sex-—other people’s sex lives, that is. Nor did her preoccupation result in undue permissiveness -- about other people’s sex lives, that is. On the contrary, Mrs. Holdkumb stood ever ready to call the balls and strikes on any players falling into the focus of her eager peephole. However, as Mr. Holdkumb could testify, sex was strictly a spectator sport as far as she was concerned.

In one way she had a ringside seat. Her husband’s business was intimately concerned with sex. He was in charge of the wholesale distribution of condoms for a major pharmaceutical company. And Archer Hornsby, with the title of Assistant Promotion Manager, worked directly under Mr. Holdkumb.

Shortly after Archer's marriage to Llona, Mrs. Holdkumb had made it very clear that the Hornsby’s sex life was of legitimate interest to her. For the most part, this had annoyed Llona greatly, although she’d done her best to go along with it in the interests of her husband’s career. Now she thought she saw a way to turn Mrs. Holdkumb’s obsession to use.

Llona had called ahead, and Mrs. Holdkumb was waiting for her. She ushered Llona into the living room of the apartment. Then she sat down on the couch next to her and leaned her face into Llona’s. Mrs. Holdkumb’s breath was that of a salivating buzzard anticipating a meal of freshly dead coyote and dysentery. “Now tell me all about it, you poor dear,” she instructed Llona eagerly.

“Well, as I told you over the phone, it’s terribly personal.”

“Your most intimate secrets are safe with me.” Mrs. Holdkumb couldn’t wait for her husband, E. Z., to get home that night so she could tell him all about Hornsby’s sex problems.

“But there was no one else I could turn tot”

“Of course not. And I'm your friend, darling. More. Look at me as a priest, or a doctor. Yes, a doctor, like an analyst. Just tell me everything. I'm here to help."

“Well, it’s about Archer and our -- our, uh, marital life."

"Yes. Yes. Does Archer have another woman? Is that it?” A little over-eager saliva appeared at the corner of Mrs. Holdkumb’s maw. She licked it away with her tongue.

“Oh, no. Of course not!" Llona lied, looking wide-eyed. “But,” she added as if by way of afterthought, “I want him to. It’s the only way I can see of saving our marriage.”

“You want him to have an affair with another woman?”

“That’s the conclusion I’ve come to.” Llona was firm. She knew her prey; if she laid down the breadcrumbs just sight, the trail would be followed straight to the chopping block.

“You want your husband to have an affair!” Neva Holdkumb nibbled, savoring the taste. This was even better than she’d expected; the breadcrumbs showed promise of being highly spied. “Why?” she asked, salivating with the word.

“Because Archer has a problem and it’s the only way I can see of coping with it.”

“Yes? Go on, dear.”

“A sex problem, Neva—if you know what I mean.” Llona managed a blush.

“What other kind is there?” Neva sucked on it a minute. “Archer has a sex problem,” she mused. “Are you saying he—umm -- is having difficulty firing his artillery?” she asked delicately.

“He can’t even load it!”

“And you think having an affair --"

“Neva, I’ll be frank with you. I’ve tried everything I can think of and now I‘ve had to face the fact that I simply don’t inspire Archer sexually anymore. I want to preserve my marriage. It that means some outside stimulus is necessary, then so be it!” Llona stuck out her chin bravely. “I’m willing if only it will revive Archer’s interest in sex.”

“I see what you mean. After all, it’s not just your frustration that’s involved. Archer’s whole career could be at stake.”

That was even better than Llona had hoped! Trust Neva Holdkumb, loyal and true company wife that she was, to relate Archer’s alleged inadequacy to the good of the business. Oh! Llona was going to fix that philandering husband of hers before she died! It would be the complete catastrophe! Mother! Business! Sex life! All adding up to his next marriage! Behind tight lips, Llona smiled at herself, pleased at the way her revenge was taking shape.

“But how does a wife arrange for her husband to have an affair?” Neva was wondering aloud now. “And even if you did, aren’t you afraid it might break up your marriage instead of saving it? What I mean is, Llona, girls who have affairs with married men may start out casually, but it rarely stays that way. They inevitably end up competing with the wife, trying to replace her, and often as not they succeed.”

Exactly! “In that case it would be for the best.” Llona faked a sigh. “You see, I love Archer. If the only way I can make a man of him is to push him into a situation where he might leave me, then I’m prepared to take the consequences.” Florence Nightingale took over Llona’s face. “As to how I’m going to set things up,” she added, “that’s why I’ve come to you, Neva. There was no one else I could turn to, nobody else I could trust to understand and help me.”

“You want me to help involve Archer with another woman . . .” Delicious! “But who?” Mrs. Holdkumb thought aloud. “Let’s see now, there’s Zelda . . . No, she’s too much, a real man-eater . . . ”

"Don’t rule her out,” Llona murmured. “It could be that the harsher the experience, the better.”

“Oh‘? Well, yes. I see what you mean. That could be so. Well then, Zelda, or . . . ”

Llona left Mrs. Holdkumb to her lip-licking musings. She still had one more stop to make. Less than an hour later she was having martinis in an intime cocktail lounge with Olivia Valentine, wife of Archer’s cousin Mortimer.

Olivia Valentine was around L1ona’s age, a small girl with a compact body that seemed always to be on the point of bursting with her own unachieved sex fantasies. She had the face of a pixie and the personality of a coquette-—which she was. Everything about Olivia was in direct contrast to her husband, Mortimer, who could easily have carried off first prize in a contest where turnips were judged for their blandness. About the only thing Olivia and Mortimer had in common was their dental problems. Both had been forced to swap their natural teeth for phoney choppers at an unusually early age.

Olivia was glad to see Llona. She looked at it as an opportunity to sound off about the problems of being married to the world’s most disinterested lover. This time, however, she was thwarted. Llona had troubles of her own to discuss and she succeeded in making them take precedence.

Llona leveled with Olivia; she told her the truth. Olivia was shocked at the prognosis for Llona. But she recovered quickly and became intrigued at Llona’s plans for revenging herself on Archer. Knowing Olivia, Llona had counted on her being intrigued.

“Let me get this straight.” Olivia recapitulated what Llona had told her. “You've got a year to live. Maybe less. And you’re determined to pick Archer’s next wife for him. You've found out Archer’s being unfaithful to you. And so you’re determined that your successor is going to be someone who’ll make him miserable. Wow! That’s quite a program you’ve mapped out for yourself.”

“Suppose it were Mortimer and you were going to die and you found out he had another woman,” Llona asked her. “Wouldn’t you want revenge?”

“You bet your bippy! Still, I can’t help wishing Mortimer had that much gumption. But that’s another story.” Olivia sighed. “What is it you want me to do?” she wondered.

“I’m not sure,” Llona confessed. “Help me any way you can, I guess. Help me find just the right kind of bitch for Archer. Help me set it up. I don’t know. Anything you can think of too.”

“I’ll do everything I can,” Olivia promised sincerely. “Men!” She closed ranks for the battle of the sexes. “They deserve what they get! They deserve what we give them!”

Llona agreed with that. And she counted on it. She depended on Olivia’s soft-voiced anti-male attitude to work to her advantage in getting revenge on Archer. She counted on Archer’s mother and Neva Holdkumb running true to form. The combined efforts -- theirs and hers -- should bear fruit. And that fruit should teach Archer a lesson that would last him a lifetime.

Archer didn’t know it, but now that lifetime was about to begin!

CHAPTER FOUR

The best of men are mortal, and all-too human. Some time during his life Abraham Lincoln broke wind in mixed company. One time, at least, the last drop of Albert Schweitzer’s urine trickled down the inside of his pants leg. And once, surely once, Sigmund Freud, dispassionate listener, found himself concealing an uninvited erection. Such events must have been. The best of men are human.

And the average man? Or, of more interest, the average man with ideals, the average idealist? Must not the faux pas of living be a larger part of his lot in life? Indeed, may they not be his way of life? definitive! the interior fifth columnist to his integral idealism?

At any rate, so it was with Archer Hornsby, most mortal and human of men. Archer was an idealist. He truly believed in equal rights for minorities. He truly believed that war was evil and that the U. S. involvement in the war in Vietnam was most evil. Insofar as Archer was able, he worked hard to implement his ideals. But if the best of men are human, the average man is even more so, and Archer's idealism kept running aground on the shoals of his humanity.

To be more specific, his sex drive sometimes washed his ethics up on the rocks. He’d start out working for peace, and end up with a piece. “All we are saying, is give Peace a chance!” Archer would carol, and the record would get stuck and he’d find himself giving a piece like Shirley Simpell chance after chance after chance: his aim had been to convince just one member of the “silent majority” that it really was better to “make love, not war,” but things had gotten out of hand and now Archer felt like he was selling out to the entire “military-industrial complex” in the curvy manifestation of Shirley Simpell. What’s more, there was danger of the involvement muddying up his relationship with Llona and distracting him from his job as well.

The problem wasn’t the time he spent with Shirley. The problem was his preoccupation with her when they were apart. Too much of Archer’s time was spent formulating the arguments which inevitably were dissipated by the circumstances when they were together. For instance-—

“There’s evidence that President Roosevelt lent moral support to Ho Chi-Minh as opposed to the French colonial rulers in Indo-China,” Archer would point out to Shirley as he slipped his hand inside her sloppy-Joe sweater, under her demure schoolgirl bra, and caressed the pink nipple nestling there.

“Ancient history. Roosevelt was failing. Yalta sellout!” Shirley might pant in reply, taking time out from blowing in his ear to lick her orange-flavored lollipop. “Jeepers!” Her nubile breast would wriggle under his touch.

“The record shows that he United States was the first nation to break the Geneva Accords.” Archer would remove the bra and bury his eager lips between the fluttering young flesh-mounds.

“North Vietnam was already sneaking soldiers into the South and fomenting Civil War!” Shirley would tickle both palms of his hands simultaneously and breathe hot air down the back of his neck. “Hot dawg!”

“Troop intervention in Vietnam was never in our national interest and still isn’t.” Archer’s hand under Shirley’s skirt, just above Shirley's knee. “Trust me?”

“First Vietnam, then Laos, then all of Southeast Asia, then the Pacific, and finally Greater Los Angeles!” Shirley demurely raising her skirt the better to observe the position of Archer’s hand. “I trust you.” Thighs with a hint of baby fat itchily rubbing together. “Dominoes! . . . Holy cow!"

Archer’s hand squeezing the warm thighs. “. . . paranoid fear of Communism . . .” Breathing heavily; short of breath. “. . . supporting one corrupt regime after another . . .” Hand slipping between the thighs. “Trust me?”

“I trust you!” Shirley allowing her legs to part; one last lick at the lollipop, then laying it aside. “. . . United States prestige . . . national pride and honor . . . fulfilling our obligations . . . Golly-gee!”

“Self-determination . . . immediate withdrawal . . .” Archer tugging at the cotton panties. “Trust me?”

“I trust you.” Shirley raising up, permitting the panties to be removed, settling back with her bobby-sox at right angles. “. . . never lost a war . . . duty-bound to prevent a blood-bath . . . Heavens to Betsy Ross! . . .”

“. . . killing the people we’re supposed to be protecting . . . ” Archer sprawling over her, lunging, making contact, moving rhythmically. “End the war!”

“Win it!” Shirley rising and falling like the surf.

“End it!”

“Win it!”

A house divided against itself cannot stand. But its struggles can make for one hell of an orgasm! So it was with Archer and Shirley.

Is it any wonder that the dialectics of sex with Shirley were constantly on Archer’s mind? Add to his troubles that his boss, E. Z. Holdkumb, had been regarding him peculiarly lately, and that Llona had also been behaving oddly, On top of all that, there came this phone call from his mother.

She wanted Archer to come to see her, to spend the evening, and she specified that he shouldn’t bring Llona. It seemed odd. But Archer was still sufficiently hooked umbilical-wise not to protest the demand. He told his mother he’d be there.

“You’re late.” Mrs. Hornsby answered the bell on the first ring. “Wipe your feet,” she instructed Archer.

Obediently, he wiped his feet. Then he followed his mother into the living room. A thirtyish woman, perhaps a year or two older than Archer, not unattractive, was sitting there deftly balancing a cup of coffee and a plate with three home-baked cookies.

“Say hello to Stella Spayed,” Mrs. Hornsby told Archer.’

“How do you do, Miss Spayed.”

“Mrs. Spayed.” She corrected him pleasantly.

“Oh. Sorry, Mrs. Spayed.”

“I’m a widow,” she added with a smile.

“I’m sorry.” Archer didn’t know what else to say.

“Stella's been a widow for over a year. It’s too late for condolences,” Mrs. Hornsby informed Archer.

“Of course.” Archer accepted the cup of coffee and plate of cookies his mother thrust upon him and sat down. With the cup and saucer in one hand and the cookie dish in the other, he felt like a statue of Justice weighing the scales.

“You don’t like my coffee!” It was an accusation.

“Sure I do, Mom.” Moving like a nervous robot, Archer managed to bring the coffee ‘cup to his lips and took a sip.

“You used to be crazy for my cookies!”

“Still am, Mom.” Archer bent his cookie-plate elbow until one of the cookies was within reach of his lips. He snared the cookie and bit it in half. He chewed one half with ostentatious relish and let the other half fall back to the plate.

“You’d never know it to look at him,” Mrs. Hornsby confided to Stella Spayed, “but I brought him up to have the best manners. Before he got married, you could take him into the finest restaurant and not be ashamed.”

“Now, Mom-—” Archer choked on half the half-cookie and inadvertently sprayed the rest out in crumbs.

“Wipe your mouth!” Mrs. Hornsby shook her head sadly. “He really knows better than to talk when he’s eating. It’s hard to believe how much he’s been changed.”

“Well, marriage does change people.” Stella Spayed smiled at Archer to show she wasn’t really siding with his mother.

“I guess so.” Archer swallowed hard and managed a weak smile in return. He managed to park the dishes on an end table. “Now, Mom, what was it you wanted to see me about?" he asked.

“I’m his mother.” Mrs. Hornsby ignored Archer and spoke directly to Stella Spayed. “Before he started living with that woman, it wasn’t necessary to make an appointment with him like he was a dentist.”

“Did you just want to see me, Mom?" Archer held onto his patience. “Or was it something specific?”

“I know what a busy man you are." Mrs. Hornsby’s sarcasm was about as subtle as an Agnew speech. “But I just thought it would be nice for the two of us to have a visit every couple of months. Only so we don’t give mother-son relationships a bad name, you know. Also,” she added so casually that it was pointed, “I thought it would be nice if you and Stella got acquainted.”

Archer looked blankly at his mother. Then he looked at Stella Spayed with a puzzled half-smile. She looked back at him calmly.

“Stella is a member of my sewing circle,” Mrs. Hornsby added.

“You’re kidding!” Archer exclaimed.

“Don’t be fresh!”

“Well, I mean—sewing circle! I didn’t think women had things like that anymore. I thought they went! out with high-button shoes and French postcards.”

“Archer!”

“That's all right." Stella Spayed chuckled. “It is a sort of an anachronism, Mr. Hornsby. But I enjoy sewing and I enjoy the company of the other women. You see, being a widow can get to be sort of lonely. Anything wrong with that?”

“No. No, of course not. I only meant—Well, you’re a young, attractive woman, Mrs. Spayed. It just didn’t seem the sort of activity that you --”

“Stella sews beautifully. Most young women today think sewing is something for old ladies, something beneath them. But not Stella. She makes all her own clothes.”

Archer took a look at the green frock Mrs. Spayed was wearing. It was deceptive. It looked demure, but it didn’t miss a trick when it came to showing off her curves to advantage. “Did you make that dress? It’s very becoming,” Archer told Mrs. Spayed.

“Yes, I did. Thank you.” Her eyes said she hadn’t missed either his appraisal, or approval.

“Stella is also a very good cook and an excellent housekeeper.”

“That’s nice.” Archer was bewildered. His mother’s sales pitch was reminiscent of the days before he’d married Llona. But he was married now. And his mother had always been moralistic to an awesome degree. So what the hell was she up to?

The remainder of the visit provided no clue. Mrs. Hornsby made sure that the conversational focus stayed on the virtues of Stella Spayed with occasional side digs directed at Archer. Stella Spayed remained calm and friendly and seemingly unembarrassed by the aura of matchmaking pervading her hostess’ attitude. Archer simply stayed confused.

Finally he got up to leave. He was surprised when his mother didn’t raise any objection, as was her usual way. Instead, she asked him to please drop Mrs. Spayed on his way. Archer, of course, said he’d be happy to oblige. Stella Spayed went to “powder her nose” first, and Mrs. Hornsby took advantage of her absence to sit down next to Archer and dig her elbow in his ribs. “That woman is a gem!” she told her son. “A real lady! There aren't too many of that kind around these days. She’ll make some man a wonderful wife.

“Mom, I'm already married,” Archer reminded her.

“I’m ready.” Stella Spayed’s reappearance cut short Mrs. Hornsby’s rejoinder.

Stella and Mrs. Hornsby exchanged goodbyes and promises to get together soon, Archer kissed his mother on the cheek, and then Stella and Archer were outside. walking toward his car. She took his arm. Archer could feel the soft fullness of her breast against his elbow through the thin material of the green dress. The contact was titillating.

In the car, Archer tried to make conversation. Somehow they got on the topic of Stella Spayed’s late husband. Poor Sammy was killed in the line "of duty,” she told Archer.

“That’s too bad.”

“Yes. He was a private detective.”

“Oh?”

“This girl bashed in his skull with his own camera.”

“What a shame.”

“Indeed it was. The man in bed with her got off scotfree, but the girl got twenty years.”

“She deserved it.”

“Oh, I don’t know . . . ”

“After all, she killed your husband.”

“Yes. But to be honest, Mr. Hornsby, if I know Sammy, he probably asked for it. He was completely inept as a gumshoe.”

“Surely you’re exaggerating.”

“No I’m not. Sammy was a short, fat, nearsighted man with bad feet. He couldn’t follow a five-year-old to kindergarten without being spotted. Physically he was no match for a paralyzed old lady with leukemia. When it came to using a gun, half the time he couldn’t find the trigger, let alone the target.”

“Well, then why did he—?”

“He was horny.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“He was horny. Do I shock you Mr. Hornsby?”

“Call me Archer. No, you don’t shock me. It’s refreshing. It’s just not the sort of word I expected from— from—”

“From someone in your mother’s sewing circle?” Stella laughed. “Well, there are other aspects to my life besides sewing, cooking, and cleaning. Your mother may be unaware of them and I see no need to enlighten her. Do you?”

“Absolutely none.” Archer shook his head emphatically. “You know,” he mused, “I don’t understand Mom at all tonight. I mean her bringing us together like this.”

“It’s simple enough. She was matchmaking. She figures that since I’m a widow I'm probably in the market for a husband. To be honest about it, she’s right.”

“Well, yeah . . . But I’m already married.”

“I didn’t say whose husband.” 'Stella’s green eyes twinkled at him.

“I meant from her point of view.”

“Well, I didn’t quite understand that either. But there's no doubt in my mind that she had some romantic purpose in throwing us together. To be honest, Archer, opportunities for a widow to meet a man in this town are few and far between. I’m not about to look a gift horse in the mouth. Maybe your mother knows something we don’t know.”

“Could be.” They had reached her house and Archer braked the car at the curb. “What did you mean before when you said your husband was a private detective because he was horny?” Archer asked.

“Come in for a nightcap and I’ll show you.”

Archer shrugged to himself and followed her into the house. When they were inside, she offered him a drink and Archer opted for scotch. “It’s in the kitchen. Make yourself at home and I’ll fetch it,” Stella told him. “Here, you can occupy yourself looking at these while I’m gone.” She took a Manila envelope from an end-table drawer and handed it to Archer.

“What's this?”

“Sammy’s souvenirs. Of his cases. You’ll see,” she called back over her shoulder.

Alone, Archer opened the envelope. There were thirty or forty eight-by-ten black-and-white pictures inside it. Archer looked at the top one.

It showed a rather thin, blonde girl with large breasts that were quite out of proportion to the rest of her body. She was completely naked and sitting in an armchair with one of her long legs thrown over each arm of the chair. The position afforded maximum visibility to a pubic area stretching to accommodate a large, unlit candle.

The next picture featured the same girl sans candle. This shot had been taken from the side to show a narrow-shouldered young man standing in front of the girl. The man, seen only from the neck down, was extremely naked, which is to say that he was so well endowed and in such an obvious state of excitation that his nudity verged on surrealism. Both the girl’s hands gripped his member, but its size was such that they didn’t begin to conceal it. Her tongue was sticking out impudently.

Picture number three had been taken from a different angle. Imposing genitals showed between the man’s hairless haunches. The girl’s large breasts were also viewed from this vantage point. She was squeezing them together with her hands and the tip of his manhood was just visible, peeping out from the top of the cleavage where it was buried.

Archer didn’t really have time to study the next picture because Stella reentered the room with their drinks just as he turned to it. The quick glimpse he got, however, did reveal that the blonde’s legs were locked around the man’s neck while his body had angled forward to aim his manhood at the more usual target. Part of it had been accommodated, but it didn’t seem any more possible that the rest could be accommodated than it had in the case of the candle. Still, the eager lust written on the girl’s face said that she was doing her damnedest to accomplish the feat.

“Very interesting.” Archer took his drink from Stella and reluctantly put the pictures aside.

“Yes, aren’t they?” Stella glanced down at the photo he’d left on the top of the heap. “Oh, yes.” She smiled. “That was a very interesting case. The girl was a prostitute. The man was in town for a convention. His wife had hired Sammy to get the goods on him.”

“Well, he certainly seems to have succeeded.”

“But he didn’t. If you’ll notice, you don’t see the man’s face in any of the photos. There was no proof.”

Archer glanced at the picture on top again. “But surely there were other identifying features. It strikes me that his-—umm—equipment alone would be enough to establish who he is.”

“Typically enough-considering how Sammy always managed to foul up-it wasn’t. The man’s wife categorically refused to believe that the ‘equipment’—as you so euphernistically call it—belonged to her husband. As a matter of fact, she insisted that in his best days her husband could never summon up that much ‘equipment.’ She accused Sammy of trying to perpetrate a fraud and refused to pay him.”

“But why didn’t he make sure he got a picture of the guy’s face?” '

“Because he was so damn horny. Like I told you before. He just got carried away and shot what interested him.”

“Did he only handle adultery cases?”

“No. But he did specialize in sex cases. For two reasons. First because he was so sex obsessed. Second because when you’re a lousy private eye, at the bottom of your profession, that’s the sort of case you’re most likely to get.”

“Still, if he took his work home with him, he must have been one helluva husband where it counted.” The com-bination of the pictures and the scotch were making Archer bold.

“Well, he was eager. Active, too. But Sammy was a born klutz, to be honest about it. We lived a full sex life, I suppose, but Sammy was so damn accident-prone that there were times when I felt like I was trapped in a Marx brothers movie.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, look—-I’ll show you.” Stella rummaged through the pictures until she found the one she sought. She showed it to Archer.

The picture showed a balding, middle-aged man and a rather plump brunette girl in her twenties. Both were naked. The man supported the girl’s calves under his arms. She had braced herself with her hands on the floor, head and breasts hanging down, looking at him from this up-from-under position. His loins were straining against her derriere, his member buried deep and lost from sight.

“Ve-ry in-ter-es-ting.” Archer scrutinized the photo.

“Another one of Sammy’s flubs. He was hidden in the closet, but it was the wrong room. He found that out right away, but he got so interested he just kept taking pictures anyway. He got caught and it damn near lost him his license. Seems the gent was the brother of the local Chief of Police. And the girl--believe it or not—-turned out to be his legal wife!”

“I see what you mean about Sammy having been a klutz.”

“That wasn’t the worst of it. When it was all over, nothing would do Sammy but to show me the picture and have us try it. So we tried it.”

“And?”

“Sammy tripped over our dog—-a cooker spaniel. When everything was untangled, I ended up with the cooker spaniel and Sammy ended up with a hernia.”

“That’s a shame.”

“You’re damn right. You’ve no idea how aggressive a cocker spaniel can be when he’s aroused."

“I meant about Sammy’s hernia.”

“Don’t waste any sympathy on him. All the time he was convalescing he kept trying to take pictures of me and that damn dog!”

“Well, at least the hernia must have slowed him down.”

“Only temporarily. He came back twice as horny.”

“What did you do?”

“I had him destroyed.”

“Your husband?”

“No. The cooker spaniel. It was him or Sammy. I wasn’t strong enough to keep fending off both of them.”

“Oh. Well, that’s too bad.”

“Yeah. I should have kept the dog and gotten rid of Sammy.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“The hell I don’t! The cocker spaniel may have had one or two accidents on the living-room rug, but Sammy had accidents all the time. Everytime he touched me. Have you got any idea what it’s like being married to an accident-prone lecher?”

“Well, no. I don’t,” Archer confessed.

“It’s enough to sour a woman on sex.”

“Oh?”

“Well, maybe not quite.” Stella stretched her body suggestively. “Would you like to see the piece de resistance?” she asked.

“Beg your pardon!” Archer was startled. He hadn't expected anything quite so overt.

“I mean Sammy’s piece de résistance.” Stella corrected herself. When Archer still looked confused, she laughed and excused herself. When she returned, she was carrying a small movie camera. She set it down, plugged it in, and set up a small, portable screen across the room from it. The film was evidently already in the camera. She turned off the lights, started the camera, and sat down next to Archer on the couch. She sat very close to him and he was very much aware of the proximity of her body and the heady aroma of her perfume.

“What? No popcorn?” Archer wisecracked to cover his reaction.

“A wife whose husband suspected she was having an affair hired Sammy to get the goods on her,” Stella explained as the picture started. “The hubby plunked down a whopping retainer which Sammy promptly blew on movie equipment. He tried to tell me it was a legitimate expense, but he was like a depraved kid with a new toy. He was a damn sight more interested in making movies for himself than he was in the case. And, as usual, he goofed it.”

“How?” Archer wanted to know.

“See the red-headed girl there?”

“Yeah. Technicolor.” Archer was impressed.

“Sammy didn’t stint. Anyway, she was the wife. Sammy followed her to this beach cottage one night. He took these pictures with a telephoto lens.”

“They’re remarkably clear.” Archer’s eyes were glued to the screen as the redhead undressed. “She really is a redhead,” he remarked.

“Now you’ll see how Sammy blew it.”

On the screen, the redhead was lying naked on the bed when the door to the rustic bedroom opened again, a female figure entered and approached her. For a split second the camera focused on the face of the new arrival.

“Why, it's you!” Archer exclaimed.

“In the flesh,” Stella admitted. “A couple of years younger or maybe five pounds fighter. But in the flesh, as you shall see.” The picture went topsy-turvy and blurred and went blank and then came on upside down, then right side up. “He dropped the camera.” Stella chuckled. “He was really shook up.”

“I don’t blame him. It’s a shock for a man to find out his wife rides sidesaddle.”

“Well, I’m not really a Lesbian.” Stella was defensive.

“What do you call it then?” Archer was responding as much to the close-up of Stella’s lips toying with the redhead’s bare nipple as to the conversation.

“Self-protection. Remember, Sammy was both horny and accident-prone. Every time he came near me, it was a disaster. I just wanted sex without anxiety. I was pretty inexperienced as far as men were concerned. Judging by Sammy, sex with men was something to be afraid of. That’s how I happened to get involved with Marlene.”

“Marlene?” On the screen Stella was undressing tantalizingly while the redhead watched and licked her lips and writhed slightly on the bed. Beside him, Stella’s thigh was pressed hard against his.

“That’s the redheads name. Anyway, I’m not sorry I had the experience. It was exciting. But I really do prefer men.” Stella’s hand fell all too casually on Archer’s lap, as it to prove her point. On the screen she wriggled out of her brassiere and held up her large breasts for the redhead to admire.

“You said Sammy blew the case. How?” Archer put his arm around her. She took his hand in hers and pressed it to her breast. On the screen there was a close-up as Stella dropped her panties.

“He never should have taken these pictures. When his client tried to use them as proof of his wife’s infidelity, Marlene’s lawyer threw the book at us. He claimed entrapment. You see, Sammy was the detective and I was his wife. He threatened to bring criminal charges against us. And he also pointed out that because of the relationship the evidence wouldn’t hold up in a divorce court. By the time that shyster got through, there was nothing for Sammy to do but return the fee and bow out of the case. At that both he and I probably got off easy.” Stella unbuttoned the front of her dress, shrugged the bra strap from one shoulder and pressed the aroused nipple of her naked breast into the palm of Archer’s hand. On the screen, Stella and Marlene were locked in an embrace, their breasts rubbing against each other, their derrieres grinding, their mouths opened wide to allow their tongues to duel erotically.

“But he kept the film.” Archer slipped his hand under the green dress. “Was that some sort of revenge against you?”

“No. They excited him. He liked to show them when we were alone and make love to me. They aroused him. Me too. If you see what I mean.” Stella stood up and removed her dress. She sat back down on Archer’s lap, facing the screen.

“I see what you mean.” Archer reached under her arm and reestablished his grip on her hard-panting breast. On the screen, Stella was lying face-down on the bed, the redhead astraddle her, the red triangle moving rhythmically with the movement of Stella’s buttocks and pressing deep between them.

Archer and Stella stopped talking. Both were absorbed in the film; both were absorbed in each other. After a moment Stella‘s hand reached around behind her and unzipped Archer’s pants. It groped in the opening and then fished out the object of its search. Archer tugged at the half-slip she was wearing and bunched it up around her waist. She wasn’t wearing any panties. Stella gasped as his hands reached under her and investigated her plump, burning bottom.

On the screen Marlene’s face was buried, the red hair fanning out over Stella’s thighs and belly. Stella’s lips were moving and her face was crazed with the building of passion. Her nails raked Marlene’s buttocks which, in her crouching position, hovered only inches above her visage. The pulsating of Marlene’s aroused clitoris was clearly visible.

Archer pushed Stella’s bottom up with his hands. She manipulated him so that when she came down again they were locked together. One of her hands was under him, tickling his full scrotum. One of his fingers strummed her clitoris as she rose and fell, reimpaling herself with mounting delight each time.

Both were facing the screen. There, Marlene and Stella were locked in a double kiss, mouth to nether-mouth, rocking back and forth, buttocks bouncing madly, breasts swaying, a wild and frenetic-wrestling match coming to its mutually satisfying conclusion.

Archer and Stella were also on the verge of a mutually satisfying conclusion. Stella released a wild cry and slammed down hard. At the same instant Archer strained and arched his body to meet her. One hand clawed at her breast for balance. They were, suspended there for a moment, and then there was a mighty release for both of them. At the same time-—

“Mommy! I’m thirsty!”

Stella leaped to her feet, pulled on the green dress and switched off the camera, seemingly all in one motion. Archer was still trying to orient himself when she reached down and zipped up his pants. “OUCH!” He was brought back to reality in a hurry.

“Sorry.” Stella seemed quite composed now. “What are you doing out of bed, Herbert?” she asked the ten-year-old boy standing in the doorway.

“Thirsty!” The boy looked curiously at Archer. “I want to watch the cartoons too!” he asserted.

“I said go to bed!"

“I WANT TO WATCH THE CARTOONS!”

From behind the boy there came a giggle and Archer saw a little girl about a year younger than the boy. “Me too!” A smaller boy appeared behind the girl. “We all do! We all want to watch the cartoons!” Suddenly the entrance to the living room seemed filled with children.

“What the hell!” Archer was thrown. “Who the hell are these kids?”

“They’re mine,” Stella admitted.

“Yours? How many are there?”

“Nine,” she told in a very small voice.

“Nine!” Archer was on his feet and heading for the door. “Where the hell did you get nine kids?”

“Where do you think? I told you Sammy was accident-prone. That’s what I meant. Nine kids in eight years. Every time he touched me I got pregnant.”

“Accident-prone, hell! He was a one-man population explosion." Archer slammed the front door behind him.

“WE WANT TO WATCH CARTOONS!” he could hear the children chanting. “WE WANT TO WATCH CARTOONS!”

CHAPTER FIVE

“We have to know the effects of our actions.” So sayeth the pragmatic philosopher. But we never can. It’s strictly a rule for the Sunday morning quarterback; it only operates in retrospect.

“We have to know the effects of our actions.” To be spoken with me by a Papa Dionne surveying the newborn quintuplets. To be spoken with terror by the bombardier of the Enola Gay looking back at the mushroom cloud over Hiroshima. To be spoken with resignation by a Lyndon Johnson studying the casualty reports from Vietnam.

“We have to know the effects of our actions. . . .” To be spoken by Llona, someday, when she became aware of what was happening to Archer as a result of her motivating his mother, his employer’s wife, and Olivia Valentine to meddle in his life. But it would be a while before Llona became aware of the Mother-Hornsby-inspired incident involving Archer and Stella Spayed. And it would also be a while before Llona could appreciate how the forces she had put in motion during her talk with Neva Holdkumb affected Archer. . . .

The immediate result was a conversation between Neva Holdkumb and her husband, E. Z. Holdkumb, Archer’s boss, the evening following Llona’s afternoon visit. Neva served up the delicious news that the Hornsbys were having “marital problems” along with E. Z.’s evening cocktail, a five-to-one martini liberally laced with wheat germ. The wheat germ was a side-product being pushed by the pharmaceutical company of which E. Z. Holdkumb was an executive. The Holdkumbs believed in backing up the company’s products in every area of their lives including——indeed, particularly!-—the most personal.

“Now let me get this straight,” E. Z. rumbled, controlling himself to keep from making a face at the wheaty flavor of his nightly gin. “Are you telling me that Archer’s wife told you that Archer can’t cut the mustard?”

“That’s right dear. Isn’t it awful?” Neva smacked her rhino lips around flakes of wheat germ and repeated the question. “Isn’t it awful? Why, they’re barely more than newlyweds!”

“Urrggphh!” E. AZ. grunted. He was shorter and squatter than his wife, but they looked enough alike so that it was easy to see they were of the same species. The mudbottom of the African veldt was their natural habitat and it occurred wherever they happened to be. Now E. Z. (Papa Hippo) furrowed his thick-skinned brow and mused (brayed) aloud on what Neva (Mama Hippo) had revealed to him. “And Archer’s wife asked you to help her reactivate his gonad by involving him in an affair with another woman. And you agreed? Urrggphh!”

“Well, I thought I should be helpful, dear. I felt sorry for her.”

“Urrggphh! Perhaps . . . perhaps . . . but there’s more involved here than Archer’s marriage.” (The echo of trumpets and the aromas of oil for the lamps of China.) “The Company is involved! And that has to be our first consideration. The welfare of the Company.”

“Of course, dear. That’s why I told you immediately.”

“The Company comes first! If Archer’s condition threatens the welfare of the Company . . . urrggphh!” The snort was very ominous.

“Naturally.” Neva agreed. “But if there’s some way I can help these young people . . .”

“The Company looks after its own,” E. Z. reminded her. “Archer is a Company man; The Company will do everything in its power—which, as you know, is con- siderable -- to help Archer resolve his problem.”

“Oh, I know, dear. I just thought that if I could be of use . . .”

“Of course, if the Company should take steps to help Archer and those steps should prove to be in vain . . .” E. Z. lowered his head and glowered at the crust of wheat germ around his martini glass. “Well then, I’m afraid. . .‘

“I was thinking about Archer’s problem and I think I know just the girl to . . . ”

“After all, Archer is directly concerned with our contraceptive products. Therefore, his sex life must be of concern to the Company. If our competitors should get hold of the fact that one of our young executives was having a potency problem --! Just think how delighted they’d be to tie that in with our product. First and foremost, I have to think of protecting the Company!”

“Whatever the Company does, it might be helpful to follow L1ona’s suggestion regarding another woman as well. After all, she’s his wife: She knows him better than anybody else.”

“You may be right,” AE. Z. granted (granted). “But there’s a procedure to be followed in cases like this, a Company procedure. If your idea can fit in with that procedure, my dear . . . well, we’ll see.”

The wheels of the Company procedure were put into motion a few days later when E. Z. summoned Archer to his office. “My boy.” E. Z. got right to the point. “You’re aware, of course, of the recently instituted Company policy of corporate psychology.”

“Yes sir,” Archer replied. “But only in a general way, I’m afraid.”

“The policy is predicated on the conviction that the mental health of Company executives affects the welfare of the Company. Therefore it’s a matter of legitimate Company concern—both for the welfare of the Company and_—altruistical1y—for the welfare of the particular executive.”

“The Company looks after its own.” Archer snapped to.

“The Company psychologist is, of course, always available to Company executives on any level. However, there is more advanced treatment which has always been limited to senior executives. Normally you wouldn’t qualify for this treatment since you’re only a junior executive. That’s Company policy.”

“Well, the Company knows best.”

“Yes. However, I’ve gotten special dispensation for you to take advantage of this advanced treatment even if you are only a junior executive.”

“Thank you very much, sir.” Archer was puzzled. But he was experienced enough in Company etiquette not to let it show.

“After all, sometimes the pressures can affect a junior executive just as much as if he had already attained senior executive status.”

“It’s nice of you to say so, sir.”

“And, as you know, Archer, I’m a very sensitive man. I’m sensitive to the problems of my people. When one of my people cuts himself, I bleed. When one of my people barks his shin, I feel pain. When one of my people is constipated, I squeeze. Do I make myself understood?”

“Oh, yes sir!” Archer lied. “I’ve seen you bleed, I’ve seen you feel pain. I’ve seen you-—”

“And being a sensitive man, I’ve become aware of your problem, Archer.”

“My problem, sir?”

“That’s all right, Archer.” E. Z. held up his hand (hoof). “I know it’s too painful for you to discuss with me. I’m a sensitive man, Archer, I just want you to know that I recognize your problem and that I sympathize—even empathize-—with it. Now you and I need never mention it again.”

"We’ll never mention it again, sir.” Archer was feeling dizzy. Never mention what again?

“But I have a responsibility to the Company, and so do you, Archer. We have a responsibility to see that you are helped. In keeping with this responsibility, I’ve arranged for you to spend next weekend at the Hussalin Institute.”

“The Hussalin Institute?”

“Yes. The Company deals with Hussalin on an annual retainer basis so that any of our executives can receive help as the need arises. I’ve arranged for the Institute to waive the senior executive requirement and Dr. Baariasol will be expecting you at nine Saturday morning.”

“Dr. Baariasol? Is he the head of the Institute?”

“No. He’s the psychiatrist in charge of the encounter group in which you will participate."

“Encounter group? Uhh—-What’s that, sir?”

“You’ll find out, Archer. It will be explained to you when you get there. To be honest, I’m not too sure how it works myself. But other Company executives have participated in encounter groups at the Institute and it’s done them a world of good. Don’t worry, my boy. The Company always knows what it’s doing.”

“Oh, I don’t doubt that, sir. Only-—-”

“Is there something bothering you, Archer?”

“Well, I was just wondering—-Why me, sir?"

“Given the nature of your problem, Archer, I shouldn't think you’d have to ask.”

Archer chewed on that blankly for a couple of seconds. “You really think my problem is that severe, sir?” he finally asked, hesitantly.

“How can you ask that, Archer?”

“I’m sorry, sir.”

“Yes. I think it’s that serious. And the Company thinks it’s that serious. You’re a very fortunate young man to have the Company decide to help you. Be at the Institute at nine o’c1ock Saturday, Archer. For the Company's sake—and for the sake of your career.”

The interview was at a close. Archer thanked Mr. Holdkumb and left his office. When he’d gone, E. Z. called his wife, Neva, and filled her in on what had transpired.

“Well, that’s all very well,” Neva replied when E.Z. had finished, “but my instinct tells me it would still be a good idea to put a female onto Archer to reactivate his sex urge.”

“Your instinct, hmm?” E. Z. had a large respect for his wife’s instinct. In the past it had pointed the way to many a waterhole. “What did you have in mind, my dear?”

“This Saturday encounter group to which Archer’s going -- would it be possible for you to get another person into it ?”

“I imagine I could pull the necessary strings.”

“Good. That might be just the right atmosphere for Archer to meet this young lady I know—relaxed, informal, you know. I’ve already spoken to her about Archer’s problem and she’s agreed to cooperate. She’s positively intrigued by it. It’s a challenge to her, you know. So if you can arrange for her to be a member of the encounter group . . . ”

“I’ll arrange it,” E. Z. decided. “Tell her to be at the Hussalin Institute at nine o’clock on Saturday.”

“What sort of clothes should she bring?” Mrs. Holdlcumb asked her husband.

“Huh? What does that matter?”

“You’re not a woman, my dear. If you were, you’d know that it matters.”

“Well, Pm damned if I know. Just clothes, I guess . . . ”

But E. Z. Holdkumb was wrong about that!

Just how wrong, Archer found out not long after he arrived at the Institute at nine o’clock Saturday morning. When he got there he inquired for Dr. Baariasol and was directed to a room on the third floor of the Institute. But Dr. Baariasol had been detained and Archer sat down to wait for him there.

Curious, Archer looked around him at the room. It was quite large and sparsely furnished. An oversize desk and swivel chair stood in front of the windows at the far side of the room. The only thing on the desk was a recorder and a stack of tapes. Plain off-white drapes were drawn across the window and the room was lit by muted fluorescents.

The walls were also painted off-white, not a sterile color, but a passive one. Along the wall across from Archer about ten mattresses were lined up, each abutting the next one. The mattresses were also off-white.

In one corner of the room was a large bathroom sink. In the other corner stood a toilet. Both matched the color of the walls. Only the desk and chair and tape recorder-—all metallic--were different in hue. There were no pictures on the wall no decorations of any kind in the room.

“Mr. Hornsby?” A man entered, greeted Archer, and closed the door behind him.

Archers jaw dropped. Except for rimless spectacles, the man was completely nude. Archer gulped. “I’m Mr. Hornsby,” he admitted.

“Glad you could make it.” The naked man held out his hand. “I’m Dr. Baariasol.”

Dr. Baariasol was very tall and skinny. Archer shook his hand and made a conscious effort to keep his eyes focused upward, at his face. It wasn’t easy. Dr. Baariasol was the most naked man Archer had ever seen.

“This is your first time, isn’t it?” Dr. Baariasol said. Archer nodded; “Are you shocked by my appearance?” Dr. Baariasol’s small blue eyes blinked rapidly at Archer.

“Well . . . surprised.”

“That’s normal.” The doctor’s voice was overly hearty. It was meant to be reassuring, but he was too reedy a man to carry off such a deep, sonorous tone. “Very normal indeed. Now about my nudity,” he continued. “Don’t let it bother you. It won’t seem so alarming after you’ve taken off all of your own clothes.”

“I don’t think-—” Archer started to protest, but he was interrupted by the entrance of a yery fat young woman with enormous breasts. Like the doctor, she was completely naked. Archer looked from her to the doctor, back to her and back to the doctor again.

“You’ll forgive me for not introducing you,” Dr. Baariasol said. “But we don’t use names here. You see, names are artificial. They’re barriers of formality between people. Our aim is to lower the barriers.”

The door opened again and a small man, dark-skinned and Italian-looking, entered. Like the doctor and the fat girl, he too was naked. He nodded to the doctor, glanced at Archer, and then riveted his eyes to the fat girl's behemoth breasts. She fluttered her eyelids at him. and her plump face broke into a Cupid’s-bow smile supported by three dimpling chins.

Archer followed her eyes as they traveled from the hairline moustache down the small and slender -- but well-muscled -- body to the groin. The penis nestled there was the smallest Archer had ever seen. This despite the fact that it was erect. Both in size, shape, and—yes, deadliness -- it looked like a small-caliber bullet.

“If you’ll go through that door”—Dr. Baariasol was addressing Archer-—“You’ll find a locker room to your left. You can undress there and leave your clothes in one of the lockers. The attendant will hold the key for you.”

The Company knew what it was doing, Archer reminded himself. He followed the doctor’s instructions. When he returned, hands clasped in front of him fig-leaf style like a little boy trying to get the teacher's permission to leave the room, he saw that two more naked people were in the room. Behind him la nude, redheaded girl entered.

The doctor nodded to her and crossed over to the door. “All here,” he called to somebody out in the hall.

“Check,” a voice called back. A few seconds later there was the sound of the door being locked from the outside.

Dr. Baariasol seated himself behind his desk and surveyed the group with a benignity that was alarming in its intensity—alarming to Archer, anyway. “Now, none of us know each other,” he began. “And there will be no introductions. Two among us are new to the procedures followed by encounter groups at the Hussalin Institute. I shan’t reveal who they are. They will make themselves known when the feelings indicate the desirability of doing so. The door has been locked and will not be opened until midnight Sunday, a few minutes less than thirty-nine hours from now. Because of the period involved, this is known as a modified marathon encounter. No one will be permitted to leave until midnight Sunday. Meals will be sent in at periodic intervals.”

“Soon, I hope!” the fat girl interrupted. “I’m starving.”

“The first will be delivered in about three hours,” Dr. Baariasol told her. He ignored her groan and continued. “We will eat in this room, wash here, sleep here as the desire for sleep comes upon any of us, and defecate here.”

“You mean right there!” Archer pointed at the toilet. “In front of everybody?”

“Whatsammatta, ya bashful?” the Italian man asked. “I guess we all know who one new boy is now,” he added, pointing his finger at Archer derogatorily. “It’s Bashful over there.”

Thus Archer received his name for the duration of the encounter. Later, he didn’t feel so put-down by it when he saw how the others were labeled. The under-endowed Italian -- who turned out to be a genuine, real-life Mafioso -- was tagged “Little Gat.” And the overweight girl was more affectionately dubbed “Fat Tits.”

“To get things rolling,” the doctor was saying now, “I think we should go around the room and each of us tell something about himself or herself. You start it off.” He nodded to the girl seated on the mattress nearest him.

Archer took a good look at her for the first time. She was trimly built, everything in proportion, nicely put together. Her legs were shapely, her hips and breasts average. The most unusual thing about her figure was that the nipples of her breasts were very long and very red and looked very hard. Her face, framed by shoulder-length blonde hair, was pretty. But now, with the attention of the group on her, its soft lines had grown harsh with either fright, or embarrassment, or both.

“I’m twenty-three years old,” she said. “I’m single. I guess my problem is that I’m afraid of men. Like they don’t turn me on the way I guess they should. And a couple of men have told me that I’m, well, that I’m frigid. I guess I’m afraid I might be.”

“You mean ya never been laid?” Little Gat asked.

“I’m not a virgin. But I don’t seem able to enjoy sex with men.”

“How about with women?” Fat Tits looked interested.

“Oh, I could never!” The blonde girl shuddered. Within the hour the group would label her “Iceberg.”

“All right. Now you.”

Archer realized the doctor was talking to him. His mind had strayed from the blonde girl and he’d been staring. He’d been staring at the toilet across the room. He’d been staring at it and wondering how he could manage to wait thirty-nine hours. Maybe if he didn’t eat or drink anything . . . He’d been staring at it the way a condemned man can’t stop himself from staring at the gallows being built outside his jail-cell window.

Archer forced himself to look away from the toilet and at the doctor. But his fears were written plainly on his face. Dr. Baariasol noted them and commented.

“Going to the bathroom is the most basic thing that people ado,” he told Archer in a voice that was filled with gentle understanding and yet struck Archer’s ear as strangely ominous. “Privacy in such matters is merely a false value imposed by society. Our aim here is to get down to the nitty-gritty.”

“Is it really necessary for the nitty to get quite that gritty?” Archer wondered aloud. ,

“Believe me, it’s one of the most efficacious means of accepting people and being accepted by them. You’ll see. Now tell us about yourself.”

“All right.” Archer sighed. “I’m a junior executive with a pharmaceutical company. I’m married. I play golf.” He looked around at the others helplessly, not knowing what else to say.

“What’s your problem?” the doctor prodded him.

“Problem? I don’t have any problem.”

“Then why are you here?” Fat Tits asked.

“The Company sent me. I’m not quite sure why.”

“Well, then they must think you have a problem,” Iceberg said softly. “What do you think they think it is?”

“I just don’t know.” Archer spread his hands helplessly.

“I think you do know,” Dr. Baariasol rumbled like artillery in the act of moving into position. “But you’re just not ready to talk about it yet. Well, there’s no pressure. We have plenty of time. We’ll come back to you.” He indicated that the man seated on the mattress on the other side of Archer should speak.

He was a man in his forties, pudgy, balding, with a face that could only be described as ugly. When he spoke, his voice was a high whine. “I used to be a successful businessman,” he told the group. “But I lost my business; I manufactured dietetic soft drinks. When the government banned cyclamates, everything went kaput. I used to be married. The day my business went bust, I came home and found a note from my wife. She’d left me. She took my Cadillac, which was paid for, and left the house, which was mortgaged to the hilt. The bank took the house. The day before I moved out, I tripped on the back steps and broke my ankle. The house was still in my name, but my homeowner’s policy didn’t cover the back steps—only the front steps. When I got out of the hospital, I learned that my hospitalization had been automatically canceled when the business went under. And that’s how it's been. From bad to worse. This morning I broke a shoelace and I didn’t have an extra one. Yesterday a passing car went through a puddle and sprayed the only suit I have left with mud. I feel like I’m up to my nostrils in manure and somebody up there’s making waves.”

“Maybe you’re just accident-prone,” Fat Tits said.

“Prone. Standing up. Sitting down. Walking on my hands. You name it. If there’s an accident looking for a place to happen, I’m the place. It’s been like that all my life.”

“Listen, ya not here to talk about ya troubles,” Little Gat told him. “Ya here to getcha head right. Whyncha quit cryin’ an’ tell us what’s really buggin’ ya? Psychologically, ya know?”

“I put three teaspoons of salt in my coffee this morning. I had two flat tires on the way over here. And I slammed the door on my finger coming into this very room. And you want me to play Freudian games?”

“You sound like Job,” Archer ventured. And “Job” was what they called the ugly little man after that.

“I agree that you’re avoiding the deeper problems,” Dr. Baariasol told Job. “We’ll come back to them.” He nodded to Fat Tits to speak.

“Mine is a classical case of Oedipally-induced ego repression,” she ‘said glibly, her mammoth mammaries jiggling like gigantic mounds of jello. “Sublimating my love for my father, and concomitant hatred for my mother, into oral patterns, I’ve evolved a neurotic pattern which expressed itself by the well-known syndrome of overeating. Hopefully the encounter experience will enable me to effect a transference to my analyst which will in turn result in my redirecting my libido toward other satisfactions than the ingestion of foods.”

“Phew!” Little Gat looked at her in awe.

When nobody else commented, the doctor indicated that the red-haired girl who’d followed Archer into the room should speak. Everybody looked at her. She was something to look at.

She was about five-nine with a figure that would have been a plus in the Copa chorus line. Long, silky legs, pear-shaped, melon-sized breasts with wide pink pips that pointed skyward, hips flaring out like old-style Caddy fins, a derriére plump and firm as a bisected basketball, a flaming triangle at the base of her flat belly to match the short, curly red hair that topped her sultry face—all put together like a living testimonial to the fact that glamour lives — that was the redhead. Now, as she spoke, add the throaty sort of voice that goes with a lowdown blues trumpet, painted lightbulbs of low wattage, and silk sheets embossed with scenes from the Kamasutra and smelling of Arabian perfume. Her words were something else again-—

“I have this insatiable yen —

“To bed down each man that I meet--

“To make love again and again-—

“My problem’s I’m always in heat!”

“Jeez!” Little Gat said admiringly, “I’d like ta compound ya problem.”

“Why do you talk like that?” Archer asked her.

“What’s wrong with the way

"I say what I say?"

“Do you always talk in verse?”

“I speak in rhyme

“All the time.”

“Why?” Archer wondered.

“With me rhyme’s compulsive!

“With me rhyme’s obsessive!

“Like my uncontrolled lust,

“Rhyming words is a must!”

“Obviously you’re an addictive personality,” Fat Tits told her. “You’re addicted to sex and poetry. It’s merely another manifestation of the same neurosis that causes heroin addiction, or alcoholism.”

“Yeah. Whyncha try taperin’ off,” Little Gat suggested. “On da poetry, I mean,” he added.

“One step at a time.” Archer picked up on the idea. “You could start out by using free verse instead of making everything rhyme.”

“I hate free verse!

“What could be worse

“Than poetical cheaters

“With nonrhyming meters?”

“Intolerance is a part of her syndrome,” Fat Tits decided.

“All poets know that rhyming is hard.

“But that’s how we tell the boobs from the Bard.

"If you’re a poet,

“Your verse has to show it!”

“Dis poetry jazz is over my head.” Little Gat yawned. “Whyncha talk about ya nympho problem?” He leered at the headhead.

“Why don’t you tell us about your problem,” Dr. Baariasol suggested smoothly to Little Gat.

“Aah, I dunno! I just dunno! My boss is a nag! My job is a drag!” Little Gat stopped ‘short. “Jeez!” he said disgustedly, she's got me doin’ it!”

“Never mind that. Tell us about your job problems,” the doctor suggested.

“Yes. What exactly do you do?” asked Frigid.

“I’m a trigger man for the Mafia.”

“It sounds like exciting work,” Archer remarked

“Yeah. I guess it is. An’ you get to travel a lot, know what I mean? Like there’s a hit in Milwaukee, some place like that, I get to fly there first class an’ stay at the best hotel an’ usually I meet the fingerman at some real classy joint. I get a good expense account too. Da Mafia takes good care of us boys.”

“Sounds like the Company,” Archer murmured.

“An’ I take pride in my work. My old man was a Mafioso an’ his old man before him—-back in the old country, I mean. I do a job, it’s clean as a whistle an’ no loose ends behind when I leave town.”

“I don't understand why you have to travel so much,” Job interjected. “Isn’t there ever a-umm—hit in your home town?” '

“I never work local. If there’s a neighborhood hit, they bring in a gunsel from Detroit or somewheres. It’s safer that way. Nothin’ to connect a guy from out of town up with a local hit. Nothin’ to point to me if they find some guy in the Hoboken River wearin’ a cement nightshirt. See what I mean?”

“What you said about your father and your grandfather,” Big Tits asked. “Doesn't it bother you that you’re perpetuating a stereotype?”

“Ya means like all Italians is violent? Man, dat kinds thing really burns my tail. Italians is the gentlest people in the world. My old man couldn’t stand to see a dog hurtin’, let alone a kid, or any other human being. An’ I’m like that too. It’s a hard thing for me to swat flies.”

“But the people you kill—--

“Explain that, if you will.”

“Dat’s business.”

Company policy crossed Archer’s mind.

“I never mix business with my personal life,” Little Gat continued. “At home I’m strictly nonviolent. What's more, I believe in Law an’ Order. We ain’t got that, the whole thing falls apart. Da business I’m in, you gotta have Law an’ Order. Some of my best friends is cops. Without them, without Law an’ Order, we couldn’t function no more than five minutes.”

“Don’t be defensive.” The doctor soothed him. “We all have to learn how to co-exist. But tell us about your problem."

“It’s my piece.”

“Your what?”

“My rod. My gat. My gun. See, I use this oversize Luger. Been usin’ it for years. It’s a war souvenir. Sentimental value, know what I mean? Anyway, nobody in the Brotherhood never questioned my totin’ it. On’y now they’s this new Godfather took over an’ he says like my Luger makes too much of a bulge in my jacket an’ I gotta stop usin’ it an’ instead I should use this little cap pistol he ordered for me.”

“Why does it bother you so much?” Archer wondered.

“J eez, Bashful! Ain’t it obvious? It’s a toy! Like a lady’s pistol! It’s effeminate! Dat’s why!”

“I think I understand.” Fat Tits snapped her fingers. “You're overcompensating.” She stared at the small bullet of flesh protruding from his groin. “You undoubtedly were drawn to your profession in the first place by feelings of inferiority regarding your manhood. It’s a common psychological manifestation. Bald men become barbers. Inarticulate men become writers. Psychoneurotics become psychoanalysts.” Fat Tits smiled sweetly at Dr. Baariasol. “And,” she continued, “it follows that a man with a—- umm--weapon as small as yours would choose a profession where he could demonstrate his manhood by using a much larger weapon. So of course you’re upset when somebody tries to take it away from you and substitute a smaller one.”

“I think his little thing

“Looks cute—and primed to swing!”

The redhead arched her breasts at Little Gat. He looked back at her and licked his lips.

“Just understanding what your problem really is can be the first step in solving it,” Fat Tits told Little Gat. She strolled over to him and chucked him under the genitals. “I think you’ve grown just since we started talking,” she commented.

“Keep dat up, an’ who knows!” Little Gat pulled her down on the mattress beside him.

The redhead crossed over and sat down next to Archer.

“I'd like to relate

"In a meaningful fashion-—

“Poetically—

“With oodles of passion.

“But first won’t you say

“Why you came here today?”

“I came because the Company sent me,” Archer told her.

“What’s bugging you?

“Tell me!

“We’ll work it through.

“You’ll see."

“Nothing’s bugging me-—except maybe wondering just what problem the company thinks I have.”

“You’re being evasive,” Dr. Baariasol interjected. “You know what your problem is. You just don’t want to face it.”

The redhead cuddled up next to Archer and began stroking his thigh.

The redhead’s hand moved higher. The nipple of one of her superb breasts burned against Archer’s arm. His reaction betrayed him and he was unable to conceal the evidence of his arousal.

“I’d rather you told us yourself,” Dr. Baariasol said. “However—Isn’t it true that you’ve been having difficulties performing sexually?”

“Huh?” Archer was caught off balance. “Do you mean that my problem is that I’m supposed to be impotent?"

“He sure doesn’t

“Look impotent!”

The redhead was staring at the result of her proximity to Archer. Now everybody else in the room followed her gaze. Archer felt the combined weight of their interest. “I’ve never had that problem in my life!” he insisted.

“No?” Dr. Baariasol pointed. “Then why is that happening?”

The redhead grasped the target of the doctor's gesture—but to no avail. It was as if a zeppelin had been rapidly deflated. Archer looked down and his jaw dropped. The redhead still excited him, and yet—-

“Now are you ready to face your problem?” Dr. Baariasol asked him.

Archer kept staring downward, wondering. He was sure he hadn't had this problem when he joined the encounter group. But there could be no doubt that he had it now. And somehow the Company had known!

“Hell, Yes! Yes, I‘m ready to face it,” Archer said. “But how? How do you cure something like this?”

“The answer to that is why you’re here,” Dr. Baariasol told him. “Now let us begin . . . ”

CHAPTER SIX

Delicious! If Llona had known what was happening with Archer at the encounter group, she would surely have savored the sweetest of revenges. She would have found justice in the irony and pronounced it—delicious! However, at the time, Llona didn’t know that the lie she'd told Neva Holdkumb regarding Archer’s potency was developing into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Self-fulfilling prophecies are curious things. An agrarian revolution in Vietnam is labeled Communist and opposed so strongly that the rebels willingly accept Communist control because half a million foreign invaders have closed the door to any of the alternatives with their bombs. Might as well have the name as the game -- sometimes it’s as simple as that. Or, a man without a problem is told he has a problem, begins to wonder if he has, looks for evidence, mulls it over, and by his very preoccupation with the question creates the problem where none existed before. In a way, that’s what happened with Archer.

He’d been brooding over it all day Saturday. Now it was after midnight—Sunday morning, really-—and Archer was still dwelling on his problem. The thing was that he just wasn’t sure whether his problem was that he was impotent, or merely that he was afraid he might be impotent. However, the way things were developing now, it looked like he might soon have the answer.

Having eaten and napped intermittently, the group had gotten its second wind and all the members were now very much awake and ready to resume the encounter. The focus was on Little Gat and Fat Tits. They were engaged in a seemingly “meaningful” dialogue, and Dr. Baariasol and the others were very quiet, careful not to intrude, as they listened and watched.

“Da question is, why do ya stuff ya’self?” Little Gat was saying.

“Because I’m overcompensating for the lack of affection in my early familial relationships.”

“Talk English, will ya! Ya mean ya Poppa an’ Momma didn’t love you enough when you was a kid, so now ya make a pig outa y’self?”

“You could put it that way,” Fat Tits admitted.

“Bullshit! Lotsa kids got it cruddy at home. Dey don't shovel it in like you do. Dat’s just a excuse. Ya ask me, da trut’ is ya just like eatin’. Ya just like ta make a pig a ya’self.”

“But I can’t help it!” Fat Tits started to cry. “I feel empty inside all the time.”

“So eat. Who says no?”

“I do. That’s why I’m corpulent."

“Corp’lent, hell! Ya fat, honey! Jus’ plain fat!”

“I don’t feel fat. That’s the dichotomy. Inside, I mean. Inside I feel I feel like there's a thin girl inside who wants to get out of this fat so some man will want her.”

“Why should he?”

“What?”

“Why should any guy want some skinny rinkeydink hiding inside?”

“But I have to believe that,” Fat Tits wailed. “That’s my only hope. It’s what keeps me going.”

“Den ya problem is ya wanna be wanted for somethin’ dat ya not.”

“I don’t understand you.”

“Ya want some man to ‘want ya ’cause ya thin. Well, ya ain’t thin. Ya fat. ’Steada tryin’ ta peddle some skinny dame inside what ain’t really there, ya oughta concentrate on pushm’ what ya really are.”

“But how can I? No man wants an obese girl!”

“Ya mean a fat girl? Why not?”

“Would you?”

“Jeeze honey, could be.” Little Gat eyed Fat Tits. “I kinda like ‘em zaftig, tell da trut’. More to grab holda. An you sure got plenty for a guy to get his mitts on. Like a guy could jus’ dive in an’ maybe never come up for air.”

“That’s the nicest thing any man ever said “to me!” Fat Tits swallowed hard and her eyes filled with emotion. “Are you really saying that you could enjoy making love to me?” she asked in a voice suddenly grown shy.

“Yeah. An’ not to no toothpick inside neither.”

“That makes me feel wonderful.” Fat Tits lowered her eyes demurely; suddenly, she frowned. “The only problem,” she said frankly, “is that your eyes are bigger than your . . . .”

Little Gat followed her gaze and scowled. “Dat sonovabitch! Takin’ away my Luger!” he remembered.

“You’re confused. I’m not talking about your weapon ” Fat Tits told him.

“Twenny years I had it! A man gets attached. But da bosses, whadda dey care?”

“It’s this I’rn talking about." Fat Tits flicked him with her fingernail. “You’ve got to stop equating one with the other,” she told him. “Your whole problem is your tendency to equate your manhood with your profession ”

“Whadda ya expec’? Ya said ya’self it was too small.”

“I said no such thing.” Fat Tits soothed him. “I only said your eyes were too big.”

“Oh, yeah? Twenny-three hits an’ my eyes is too’big’? Twenny-three hits!”

“I wasn’t questioning your job competence. Although,” Fat Tits added, “I do think your profession might be — umm—questionable in terms of its usefulness to society.”

“Is dat so? Listen, what’s da biggest problem facin’ da world today? Ya know what? Overpopulation, dats what! Now in my line-a work, I’m doin’ somethin’ about it. Dat’s more dan most people can say. Maybe it’s just a drop in da bucket dey kick when ya look at da whole shtik, but twenny-three’s better dan nothin’. Hell, it ain’t like I’m a flyboy over Vietnam droppin’ bombs what knock off hundreds at a clip. I’m on1y one guy wit’ a Luger—or leastways I was before I had dis trouble on da job.”

“But you can keep functioning with your little gun,” Fat Tits told him

“I dunno.”

“I’m sure you can.” Fat Tits sat down next to him and began to stroke him. “After you’ve used it a few times, it will seem just as big as somebody else’s,” she assured him.

“Ya really t’ink so?” Little Gat’s hands disappeared in the flesh of her mammoth breasts.

“I'm sure of it.” Fat Tits enveloped him with a kiss.

They fell silent, but became very active. Watching them, Archer was a little shocked. He wondered how far they would go. After a few moments, it seemed as if there was no limit. “Is that permitted?” Archer wondered aloud.

“Any and all sex acts between consenting adults are permissible in the encounter situation,” Dr. Baariasol informed him. ,

“But right in front of everybody?” Archer raised the point.

“There is no privacy here. Sex is a valid encounter. Not just for the participants, but for those who observe as well.”

“All right. I just hope he doesn’t suffocate.” Archer couldn’t see little Gat any more; the Mafioso had disappeared beneath the fleshy bulk of Fat Tits.

Now the redhead drifted over to Archer and sat down beside him to watch the copulating couple.

“Mental health

“Without stealth

“Is a sure

“Way, to cure

“Them—and you

“—-And me too.

“So what say? .

"Let's us play!”

“I don’t know--” Archer started to express his doubts, but the redhead moved in too fast to give him a chance to finish. Wrapping her arms around him, she pulled him back down on the mattress. The points of her streamlined breasts dug into his chest. Her supple thighs slid along his hips. Her lips crushed his and her nails dug into his shoulders.

Job looked from Archer and the redhead to the doctor. “I thought his problem was impotency,” he remarked.

“It is,” Dr. Baariasol told him. “We’ll see.”

“Well, if that doesn’t cure him—” Job licked his lips. He looked at the tangle of arms and legs which was Little Gat and Fat Tits. He looked again at Archer and the redhead. Then he got up, crossed over to Iceberg and sat down beside her. “That leaves you and me,” he said, reaching out hesitantly.

“Don’t touch me!” Iceberg shrank away from “Sometimes I can’t stand having a man touch me.”

“And this is one of those times?” Job inquired.

“Yes.”

“My luck!” Job sighed. “It figures!”

“It’s your attitude,” Dr. Baariasol told him. “You always expect to have bad luck and so you have it. Subconsciously you bring it on yourself.”

“This girl is the only one left. There’s an orgy shaping up and she’s frigid. Did I bring that on myself?”

“I can’t help it,” Iceberg whirled.

“You’re reinforcing his low self-image,” Dr. Baariasol chastised her.

“Bring it on myself subconsciously . . . ” Job grumbled. He stood up and headed for the toilet to relieve himself. As he passed the thrashing flesh-mass which was Fat Tits and Little Gat, the Mafioso’s leg suddenly shot out. Job tripped over it and landed with his head in the toilet bowl. “Subconsciously!” He came up sputtering.

Meanwhile, the redhead was attempting to arouse Archer with every wile in her lexicon — which was unabridged. She rolled her hips, round derriére circling slowly, and ground her lower body against his. Her hands kneaded the flesh of his inner thighs, fingers trailing to his buttocks, nails digging into the cleft there. Her mouth kissed its way down his body, then up again to his chest until the lips fastened over one of the flat roseates and her tongue tantalized the nipple until it sprang erect. She knew her erogenous zones all right; in that respect she was a veritable mapmaker of the male body. Finally her ministrations began to show results —

“From little acorns, oak trees grow.

“And from some nuts, a redwood—Lo!”

She grasped the sapling she had created by its roots and started to move over Archer. He looked up at it with joy. Who said he had a potency problem? Why, just loo--

“Your tree grown limp,

“My style doth crimp!”

—-the redhead complained. But the unexpected disappointment made her all the more determined. Her red hair fanned out over his belly and her mouth and tongue sought out the source of her frustration. A few moments passed and then once again Archer’s readiness was on display.

“I’ve built a spire!

"Don’t chop it down!

“My groin’s on fire!

“Let’s go, to town!”

She rolled over and pulled Archer on top of her. She wrapped her legs around his neck and slid her lower body until her burning nether-cheeks were pressing against his swollen genital sac. She stroked it, panting, then reached further to grasp him and guide him to the target. But--

“I admit I may be much too pushy—

“But that’s no cause for you to go mushy!”

-—whined the redhead. Beside herself now, she redoubled her efforts. She writhed and twisted and turned, thrusting first her large conical breasts into Archer’s face, then the palpitating maw of her womanhood. She guided his hands over the hot quivering flesh of her bottom, between her trembling thighs, up her soft belly to her wildly swaying bosom. She tested his resiliency and inspired his tumescence with every orifice of her body, until-—

“Behold! a cannon mightier than before!

“Come on! the trench awaits! Begin the war!

“Oh, please! Don’t prematurely dismantle your gun!

“Fire One! before perverseness decimates our fun!”

Too late! Archer looked with sadness at the crouching figure, at the full, swinging globes of her breasts, at the derriere thrust high and glowing with anticipation, at the red-lipped tunnel of womanhood waiting for him to enter. His cannon was defused; his machine was in neutral and the gears weren’t working again; his mixed metaphors once again left him limp. The redhead craned her head around and took in his condition.

“That does it!

“I’ve had it!

“Just take it

"And shove it!

“If you can,

“Which I doubt!

“You’re no man!

“You cop out!”

Snorting with contempt, the redhead stormed to her feet and flounced over to Job, turning her back with the utmost contempt on Archer. Job looked with disbelieving admiration at the sensational package of pulchritude which had come his way—and expected the worst. Archer, head hanging as low as his self-esteem, stared morosely at the one-eyed traitor lying along his thigh and mentally composed a verse of his own.

“Ahh, Benedict! You eunuch, you!

“Just what do you call this?

“You viper! You're no use to me

“-—except perhaps, to piss!”

Morosely, Archer reflected that he wasn’t even so sure of that. Hell, where plumbing was concerned, if the hot water tap wasn’t working, the other spigot might well be out of whack as well. Looking over the scene, he saw that the other two couples were well occupied and Iceberg was dozing. He decided now was a good opportunity to put it to the test. He tiptoed over to the toilet and rinsed his kidneys.

“Feel reassured now?”

Archer jumped. He’d forgotten all about Dr. Baariasol. Wheeling around toward the direction from which the voice had come, Archer saw that the doctor had been observing him.

“That wasn’t so hard, was it?" the doctor boomed jovially .

“If it had been, I wouldn’t have a problem.” Archer glared at him, both embarrassed and angry at having been watched.

“You’re a wit.”

“And you're a voyeur!”

“I’m only doing my job.”

“Your job! That’s what makes you a voyeur!”

“You’re hostile.” The skinny doctor’s good humor remained unshaken.

“Damn right! Before I came in here, I didn’t have a problem in. the world where sex was concerned. Now, all of a sudden, I’m functioning like a genital amputee. Why wouldn’t I be hostile?”

“Your problem didn’t originate here. You had it before. That’s why you were sent here."

“I did like hell! How could I be impotent and not know l was impotent?”

“You've heard of latent homosexuality? Well, you were suffering from latent impotency. It was lying there dormant all the time. Yes, latent impotency.”

Archer stared at the doctor for a long moment. “You know what I think?” he said finally. “I think you're suffering from latent senility with latent brain damage, better know in the medical profession as latent meatballheadism!”

He turned his back on Dr. Baariasol. They fell quiet. Time passed. . . .

Sunday afternoon found the focus of the encounter group on Job. They’d picked up on his incessant whining and zeroed in on him. Little Gat aimed head-on at Job’s neuroses.

“Jeez, ya sure cry a lot! Trut’ is, it's hard ta take. Whyncha look ona positive? Like ya made it wit’ this sensational broad here.”, Little Gat jerked his thumb at the redheads "

“With my luck she probably gave me some dreadful venereal disease,” Job answered morosely.

“I’ve never been so insulted in my life!

“It’s no wonder that you couldn’t hold a wife!

"I'll have you know that I’m compulsively clean!

“Promiscuous, maybe, but you—! Youre just mean!”

“I really didn’t mean to hurt your feelings,” Job told her. “I just mean it as an example. It’s the kind of thing that would be typical for a doormat like me.”

“I don’t have VD. ,

“Too bad that it’s true.

“Cause now I can’t see

"You suffering too!"

“She hates me!” Job intoned. “That’s how it is with me. No matter how swell something is, it always turns sour.”

“Who said it was swell?

"You go straight to Hell!”

The redhead turned away from him contemptuously and went to sit on the far side of the room.

“She hates me!” Job sighed.

“I don’t think so,” Mr. Baariasol said. “But let’s assume for a moment that she does. Don’t you see that you bring it on yourself? That’s the pattern. It isn’t that your luck is bad. It’s that you somehow — subconsciously, I suppose -- contrive to turn things sour yourself.”

“You’re like an alchemist in reverse,” Fat Tits chimed in.

“What does that mean?” Job asked.

“Alchemists turned dross into gold. You turn gold into dross.”

“What da broad means is dat ya turn steak inna crap wit’out even eatin’ it,” Little Gat translated.

“It’s not my fault!” Job protested.

“Maybe it is!” The others all spoke together.

“I don’t understand. How is it my fault if my shoelace breaks?”

“Subconsciously, you may be trying to punish yourself,” Fat Tits told him. “Without realizing it, you probably put so much strain on the lace when you’re tying it that its breaking is inevitable.”

“Why should I want to punish myself?”

“When you know that, you won’t have to anymore,” Dr. Baariasol told him. “That’s what we have to work on here. Only you can tell us. Why do you want to punish yourself?”

“Why do you want to punish yourself?” the others chorused.

Job's brow wrinkled. The others were silent as he mulled it over. “Sometimes I do feel guilty,” he admitted finally.

“About what?” Fat Tits asked the question for the group.

“Well—” Job looked around him nervously "and his voice got very low. “I cheated on my income tax last year,” he admitted.

“Dat made ya feel guilty?” Little Gat looked at him with amazement. “

“Yes. A little.”

“It’s a good t’ing ya not in my line a work,” Little Gat told him.

“It must be something more basic than that,” Fat Tits opined. “What have you done that really made you feel guilty? What's the worst thing you ever did in your whole life?”

“I don't know what you mean.”

“Let’s give him an example,” Dr. Baariasol suggested. “We’ll go around the room and everybody can tell what the worst thing is they've ever done. Then Job will find it easier. You start.” He indicated Archer.

“The worst thing I ever did . . ." Archer mused. “I guess it’s that I once voted for Spiro Agnew.”

“I was goin’ to Detroit on a job once an’ I copped my family’s Right Guard an’ left dem defenseless,” Little Gat remembered.

“What happened?” Archer asked.

“Nuttin’. We lived in a Polish neighborhood. Nobody noticed.”

“That’s pretty bad,” Fat Tits granted, “but it’s not as bad as what I did. Talk about guilt! I deceived my psychoanalyst.”

"Wow!

“How?”

-—the redhead wondered.

“I got friendly with another patient of his. Between us we cooked up this monster dream—a Freudian fantasy to end all fantasies. My appointment followed this other patient’s, you see. Well, this one morning, the other patient went in and told the analyst this monster dream as if it was his own. Then I went in and related exactly the same dream.”

“That’s awful!” Dr. Baariasol momentarily blew his cool. “You could drive a therapist over the brink doing a thing like that.”

“It didn’t drive this therapist over the brink,” Fat Tits told him. “But it sure did unsettle me. You see, when I got through telling the monster dream, the damn shrink just looked at me calmly and said, ‘What a coincidence! You’re the third patient to tell me exactly that same dream this morning!’ ”

“Served you right!” Dr. Baariasol muttered.

“How thin your crime

“Compared to mine.

“At age sixteen,

“I was so mean--

(“Little Audrey

("Ne’er so tawdry!)

“I sneaked into

“My parents’ room.

“To seal—’tis true!-—

"My pater’s doom.

“Oh! worst of sins!

“I poked holes in

“Dad's condom ’skins’

“With a hatpin!"

“Very interesting, in view of your problems relating to promiscuity,” Dr. Baariasol told the rhyming redhead. “We must be sure to come back to that. It could be the crux of your problem.”

“What happened?” Iceberg, curious, asked the redhead.

"My mother got pregnant

(“Too bad! She got caught.)

"Her sister got pregnant.

(“Poor Dad was distraught.)

“A neighbor got pregnant.

(“Poor Dad! What a hex!)

“Our spaniel got pregnant.

(“Poor Dad gave up sex”)

“And so you’ve been trying ever since to carry on valiantly where he threw in the sponge. Very interesting,” Dr. Baariasol observed.

“Are your sure it isn’t genetic, Doctor?” Fat Tits claimed the right to consultation. “After all, that spaniel—-"

I don’t think so. We’ll see. Dr. Baariasol turned to Iceberg. “And what about you? What's the worst thing you ever did?” he inquired.

“I put itching powder in my brother's jockstrap.” Iceberg hung her head.

“I see. Then your hostility toward men must have started at an early age. We’ll have to come back to that too if we have time,” Dr. Baariasol told Iceberg. He turned to Job. “Do you see what I mean now?” he inquired.

“I think so.”

“Then tell us about your own experience.”

“I farted during the Moment of Silence following the Pledge of Allegiance in the third grade,” Job blurted out.

There was quiet while the group considered what they had heard. Archer was the first to speak. “That doesn’t seem so terrible,” he told Job.

“It was unpatriotic. I was the leader of the color guard. I was holding the American flag. It was a desecration. Today they could even arrest me for it. Worse than that. When it happened, I was so startled that my arms jerked and I let the flag touch the ground.”

“You mean the floor,” Fat Tits corrected him. “I presume this was an indoor ceremony.”

“Floor . . . Ground . . . in the third grade you don’t make distinction. Yes, it was indoors. It was a school assembly. I broke wind in front of the whole school—teachers, principal, honored guests, everybody. And it wasn’t just unpatriotic. It was sacrilegious too. I mean, it was supposed to be a moment of silent prayer. Only it wasn’t silent when I barfed.”

“What happened? What was the reaction?” Dr. Baariasol asked gently.

“Everybody looked at me. The principal turned very red. Some of the kids laughed. The teachers were angry. It was embarrassing. It was humiliating. It was traumatic.”

“It was traumatic,” Dr. Baariasol agreed. “And it undoubtedly set up a neurotic mechanism. You see, the guilt you felt back then has never been relieved. All your life you’ve been paying for that unfortunate incident. Every time you have ‘bad luck,’ an ‘accident,’ it’s really you imposing retribution on yourself for having been irreverent and unpatriotic.”

“Yeah. Ya payin’ ya dues,” Little Gat added. “Ya keep on payin’ so ya don’t really get clobbered from Mr. Big up dere.” He jerked his middle finger towards the ceiling.

“And now that you know the reason,” Dr. Baariasol told Job smugly, “yon won’t have to punish yourself anymore. Now that it's out in the open you can look at it realistically and banish your guilt and stop punishing yourself. You can change your self-image.”

“I know that’s the theory,” Job said, “but I can’t help having lingering doubts about its really working. You see, I keep thinking of my brother.”

“Your brother?” Iceberg picked it up.

“Yes. My poor, dead brother. ‘Runt’; that’s what we called him. That was his problem too. You see, he was abnormally small. His size affected his self-image. As far back as I can remember, he always had this terribly low opinion of himself.”

“He needed psychological help,” Fat Tits interjected. “Yes. And he got it finally. He went to this rational therapist and told him his problem.”

“Was the rational therapist able to help him?” Dr. Baariasol inquired.

“That depends on how you look at it. First my brother told him how he felt inadequate because of his abnormally small size. He confessed that he felt unmanly, unable to compete in the world of men, childishly inept. Well, after he got through sobbing all this out, the rational therapist went to work. The power of positive shrinking, you know. Headshrinking, I mean. Obviously my brother didn’t need any other kind of shrinking. He was already preshrunk.”

“The rational therapist was supportive?” Fat Tits asked.

“Yes. He set about rebuilding my brother’s ego. He pointed out that Steinmetz was a dwarf, but that he hadn’t let that interfere with his genius, with his contributions to the world. He brought up Napoleon, the most famous runt in history, and reminded my brother that size hadn’t hampered him in his conquests. He even dredged up that movie actor, Alan Ladd, and how he’d been so short he’d been forced to play all his love scenes standing on a box. Then he worked on my brother’s self-esteem directly. He convinced him that his small size could be an asset in the world of men, that if it was true that initially people underrated him because of his size, in the long run this could work to his advantage because his accomplishments would seem greater. He instilled in my brother a sense of pride in being small. He made him feel it was a positive quality. And when my brother left the therapist’s office, his chin was up, his chest was out, and he felt like he was walking eight feet tall. He was proud of himself. He was proud of his size. He was proud! Proud! Proud!”

“And then what happened?” Archer asked when Job failed to continue.

“He left the analyst’s office, walked down the street, and a cat jumped out of a garbage can and ate him.”

“Therapy can only accomplish so much,” Dr. Baariasol sighed. “The rest is up to the patient.”

Job’s problem was discussed at length. Despite his brother’s experience, he was made to see the relationship between his guilt over his childhood barf and the way he brought about his own continual self-punishment. It was Sunday evening before the focus switched from Job to the redhead.

Dr. Baariasol set the direction. “Your problems — compulsive rhyming and compulsive promiscuity -- are interrelated,” he told the redhead. “And the key to their solution, I feel sure, lies with what you told us about short-circuiting your father’s sex life. Now try thinking back to that time. How did you feel after your prank brought all that misery down on your father?”

“I felt just great!

“He'd earned his fate!”

“And yet you emulate him. First you condemn him and punish him, and then you do the same things yourself. Face it. The truth is you envied him.”

“When I was a kid,

“I guess that I did.”

“You still do. The syndrome is beginning to become clear now. On the one hand, you’re trying to prove you’re as accomplished sexually as your father was. On the other hand, aware of how you scuttled him, you set up rules for yourself and as long as you stay within them, you feel safe; you feel you’ll avoid his fate. And one of the rules is talking in verse. Your father didn’t talk in verse, did he?”

“His prose

"Was strictly ’dese-dem-dose.’ ”

“That figures. And so you’ve gone to the opposite extreme. It’s your way of continuing to put him down.” Dr Baariasol thought a moment. “Do you enjoy sex?” he asked finally.

“I like it all right

“—Until tonight!”

The redhead glared at Job.

“Well, that could be progress. You do admit that you didn’t enjoy it tonight?”

"That crybaby fag

“Made it a drag!”

“Never mind the reason. What’s important is that you realize that you had a sexual experience and it wasn’t pleasurable. If you understand that—understand it at the deepest level—then from here on you'll be able to be much more selective when it comes to sex. Your promiscuity will wane.”

“Is that really so?

“Well, what do you know?”

“She’s still rhyming,” Job pointed out. “What about that?”

“That will pass in time,” Dr. Baariasol opined. “What’s important is that she won’t be driven from bed to bed now that she’s aware of the motivation and of the fact that sex can be disappointing as well as rewarding.” He looked at his watch. “This encounter will be coming to an end soon,” he observed. “Let’s try to evaluate it. Your problem was last, so you go first,” he told the redhead.

“It cured my hex

"Regarding sex.

“I know this sounds corny,

“But I’m not so . . . lustful!”

“I’ll be damned! She didn’t rhyme!” Job noticed. “As for myself,” he continued, “this has been a very valuable experience. When I leave here it's going to be with the feeling that I’m in control of my life. I can see how in the past a lot of my bad luck has been self-inflicted. In the future, understanding myself better the way I do, I’m sure my luck’s going to change.”

“I know watcha mean. I feel better about t’ings too,” Little Gat said. He shot Fat Tits a grateful look. “I ain’t so bugged by da godfather ’cause I see now it ain’t so important how big da gat is. It’s how good ya use it dat counts. Dis here encounter makes me remember how I’m a pro an’ I feel like dere’s no job I can’t handle even wit’ a undersized piece.”

“Fat is beautiful.” Fat Tits beamed at Little Gat. “That’s what I learned from this weekend. I feel good about myself. What more can I say?”

“I wish I could feel the way the rest of you do,” Iceberg sighed. “But I can’t. It’s been interesting, but I can’t say I’ve been helped.”

“Ditto for me,” Archer said. “All I'm leaving here with is a problem I didn’t have before.”

“I hope you two will come back. You need help,” Dr. Baariasol told Archer and Iceberg as he opened the door for the group to depart. “Goodbye now.”

Archer went out into the hall to catch the elevator which would take him back down to the ground floor of the institute. As he walked toward the bank of elevators, he saw Iceberg standing there. An elevator stopped, but she didn’t board it. It departed and she turned to smile at Archer as he walked toward her.

“You know, we seem to have similar problems,” she told him as he pushed the elevator button.

“What do you mean?”

“My frigidity and your impotency.”

“I’m not impotent, damn it! At least I never was before this weekend!”

I was only thinking that perhaps we could work on our problems together.”

Archer took a long look at her. She looked good in clothes. But, he remembered, she looked even better without them. “That's an interesting thought,” he said finally.

She smiled again and handed him a slip of paper.

“What’s this?”

“My name and phone number. Will you call me?”

“Okay. I’d like to.”

The elevator came and they rode down to the ground floor in silence. “I’ll be waiting to hear from you,” Iceberg said as they emerged. She smiled a goodbye and headed for a group of phone booths in the lobby.

She entered one of the booths, fished a dime out of her purse, and dialed a number. After a half-minute, she spoke into the mouthpiece. “Hello, Neva. I’ve dropped the bait and the fish is biting. You can tell E. Z. that the encounter thing was a dud, but I think his boy will be all right once I get him to myself. Once he’s in my hands, the Company can rest easy. . . .”

CHAPTER SEVEN

The trouble with all the therapies-—Fromm, Adler, to Ziggy and including practices both Horney and horny, treatment by the Jung-at-heart, rational and ir, heads shrunk individually, or by the dozen, aggression-releasing confrontations and marathon encounters (most especially marathon encounters)—is that reality almost always intrudes on the results. Sooner or later the patient has to leave the womb-couch and face a mother who knows nothing re the therapeutic ground rules and who stubbornly behaves counter to all the Oedipal insights ingested during the fifty-minute hour. The boss yanks the rug out from under Id and Ego and the supportive group falls through the floor. A cat leaps from a garbage can and eats the undersized analysand before he can even fill the feline in on what a big man he is since his shrink deshrunk him. That’s how it goes. And that’s how it went with some of the alumni of Dr. Baariasol’s modified marathon encounter.

Archer emerged from the Hussalin Institute building just in time to see it happen. The other members of the group, except for Iceberg, had already left the building. They were walking ahead of Archer, down the block. Furthest in front was Little Gat. About twenty feet behind him was Job. Strolling together, only a few yards in front of Archer, were the redhead and Fat Tits. The two girls were walking slowly and talking.

As little Gat approached the corner, a large sedan about half a block further down the block suddenly switched on its brights. The car had been parked at the curb with its motor running. Now the engine was gunned and the over-powered vehicle shot down the street toward Little Gat.

He saw it coming. He dived for cover behind a bunch of garbage cans. Instinctively, his hand went to his shoulder holster.

But the butt of the Luger didn’t fall into his palm the way it always had. It took Little Gat only a split second to remember that he was packing a smaller gun and to grope deeper inside his jacket for it. However, that split second was fatal. By the time he’d yanked the toylike revolver out, the sedan was already on top of him. The tommygun was chattering its fatal message before he could act.

Little Gat toppled without firing a shot. His head landed in the remains of a cheese souffle garnished with melted peach melba and coffee grounds. With his life running out of him, Little Gat looked up to see an alley cat perched on the rim of the garbage can and staring at him unblinkingly.

Little Gat had no way of knowing it, but this was the very same cat which had devoured Job’s pint-size brother.

That’s how it goes. Anyway, Little Gat stared back at the cat and spoke his dying words to it.

“It ain’t how big da gat is, it’s how ya use it what counts,” he said. “Bullshit!” he added. And died.

Meanwhile, the car having mounted the curb so the triggerman could more accurately spray lead at Little Gat, it careened up the sidewalk and struck Job just before it roared away. Job went flying through the plate-glass window of a men's clothing store. A large sliver of plate glass neatly castrated him. Blank window dummies welcomed him to their ranks.

“I’m in control of my life,” Job moaned. “My bad luck is self-inflicted. It’s punishing myself ’cause I feel guilty,” he groaned. “That must be why I castrated myself. But,” he added painfully, “if ever I get my hands on that know-it-all doctor, I’m going to do the same to him!”

"Yish! What a sight!

“But it serves you right!”

—said the redhead to Job as she and Fat Tits passed him and ran up to the spot where Little Gat had fallen.

“She’s rhyming again,” Job noticed in his agony. “So much for encounter therapy!”

“Ooohhh!” Fat Tits was wailing. “He’s dead! The only man who ever thought I was attractive is dead. I feel so awful! I feel so ugly! I feel so fat! I feel so hungry!” She spotted a hot-dog stand up the block and headed for it on the run. A moment later she was shoveling in French fries with both hands. That’s how it goes.

Archer came up to the redhead and looked down at Little Gat. Is he—-? he asked.

“—-as a doornail

"Beyond the Vale!”

“Where are you going?” Archer asked her as she started to walk away.

“Violence makes my heels grow round!

“But you’re the only man around.

“You're too limp for satisfaction,

“So I'm off to find some action!”

That’s how it goes . . .

“How did it go?” Llona, awake and waiting, asked the question when Archer arrived home in the mid ayem.

“It seems I have a problem,” Archer sighed.

“Well, that’s why the company sent you there.” He’s got a problem! Llona stewed. I've got an ironclad contract with death for a year from now or less, and he’s got a problem!

“I wonder how they knew,” Archer mused as he got ready for bed.

“What do you mean?”

“I didn’t even know I had this problem before this weekend. I wonder how the Company knew.”

“Are you going to tell me what the problem is?”

Archer told her. He was embarrassed and he mumbled. Llona was privately delighted. When she’d made up that ridiculous story for Neva Holdkumb, she hadn’t even hoped that it could turn out to be true. However, she had wanted to punish Archer for his infidelity, and he was obviously being punished. So she was delighted.

“But how do you know you’re impotent?” she asked him, her voice a-drip with wifely concern.

“I just know.” Archer wasn’t about to admit that he’d put it to the test during the encounter marathon.

“Maybe you’re wrong. Let’s see.” Given the advantage, Llona was sure of her skill in putting it to use. She’d been married to Archer long enough to know just how to subtly confirm his fear. Now her hand slid down to the waistband of his pajama pants. Her fingers slipped under it and kneaded his belly. Her breath was hot in his ear. “Let’s just see,” she murmured seductively.

“I don’t think—-”

“Oh, no? . . . then what’s this?”

“Well, now! Maybe--”

“No maybe about it!” Llona’s fingers tangled in his pubic hair as she gently grasped the hilt of his manhood.

“I’ll be damned!” Encouraged, Archer slid both his hands up under her nightie and clutched her derriere. He buried his face between her breasts, then turned to catch one long nipple between his lips. When she moaned, he moved one of his hands between her nether-cheeks until the fingertips were in position to strum the straining clitoris.

Llona gasped. She was hot, wet, aroused. She wanted sex. But she wanted revenge more. Deliberately, she maneuvered her hand until she could grab the sac which was the storehouse of his masculinity. She got a good grip on one of the swollen orbs there and squeezed as hard as she was able.

“OUCH!” Archer jumped and pulled away. “What did you do that for?” He surveyed the injured area and the now limp appendage in front of it.

“I didn’t do anything, dear. I just touched you the way I always do.”

“It felt like you were using a nutcracker!”

Llona giggled.

“No pun intended!”

“That’s funny. You were never that sensitive before.”

“Well, just take it easy, will you!” Nervously, Archer lay down beside her again.

Llona was ostentatiously gentle and considerate. She reached her hand down under the sheets, but carefully refrained from touching him. “Does that hurt?” she asked tenderly.

“Does what hurt? I don’t feel a thing!”

“Oh, dear!” Llona pulled her hand out and let it rest on top of the covers. “I was fondling you and stroking you,” she said.

“You were?” Archer was worried. “I couldn’t feel it.”

“Let’s try again.” She reached down and yanked his penis.

“HEY!”

“What’s the matter, dear?”

“What’s the matter? It’s not detachable; it doesn’t come off; that’s what’s the matter. Can’t you be a little more gentle?”

“I’m so sorry. I guess I’d better not touch you. But you can touch me. Go ahead. Maybe that will excite you. And when you’re ready, just—”

Archer followed her advice. With his genitals removed from further torture he slowly regained his confidence. He stroked the large breasts, traced the deep cleavage with his fingertips, dipped into the slippery moistness of passion’s perspiration beading there. He kissed her ear, the hollow of her neck, the curve of her bosom, the swell of her hip, and the deep navel of her flat belly. His tongue dipped all too briefly into the well of her womanhood and Llona remembered the scene with Shirley and even as her passion grew with the oral caress, she renewed her determination for revenge.

She writhed under his caresses. Her breathing became quick and deep and heavy. Her trembling thighs parted. Her eyes urged him on to readiness.

And then he was ready. Eagerly, he grasped the soft flesh of her upper legs and pushed them wider apart. He sprawled over her and lunged.

Calculatedly, Llona shifted her hips just a fraction to the right. It was enough. She knew satisfaction as she felt Archer’s passion blunt itself against the muscle of her left thigh

“Damn!” Archer drew back and plunged again. Llona, her timing exquisite, shifted the other way. Again the target eluded Archer. The weapon of his assault wedged between her right buttock and the sheet bunched up beneath her.

“Hell!” Frustrated, but even more determined now, Archer grabbed her calves and put them on his shoulders. Balanced on his knees, he dragged he; down until their organs were neatly juxtaposed. Then he leaned forward so that the target was enlarged.

Llona’s legs, on either side of his neck, were straight up in the air now. When Archer pushed home, there was no way she could avoid his assault. However, just when he’d finally hit the mark, she insured his dissatisfaction by blithely crossing her ankles.

Archer’s neck was between her calves. When she crossed her ankles, the effect was as if his neck had been caught in a vise which suddenly closed. He couldn't breathe. His face went purple. He couldn’t even say anything. Llona watched him for a moment, and then released him. Choking, grabbing at his throat, he fell away from her.

“Wha’. . . did. . .you do ... tha’for...?” He was finally able to gasp the words out.

“Do what, darling?” Llona asked innocently.

“Choke . . . me . . . !”

“Darling, I didn’t choke you. I was completely surprised when you ran out of breath. It’s not like you in the middle of making love.”

“I didn’t . . . run out of . . . breath! . . . You choked . . . me!”

“No I didn’t. Honest.”

“You didn’t?”

“No.”

“You didn’t . . . cross your ankles?”

“Of course not, dear.”

“But then . . . wha’ hoppen?”

“Don’t worry about it, dear. It happens to lots of men when they get older. They just don’t have the wind for sex that they once had.”

“But . . . I’m not that old . . . am I?”

“Of course not, dear.” Llona soothed him. “To me you’ll always be as young as the day we were married. Only . . .”

“Yes? Only what?”

“Only I’m afraid you’ve--um—1ost it again,” Llona said delicately.

Archer looked down at himself. “God damn!”

“You really do seem to have a problem.”

“Yeah.” Archer was depressed.

“But it can be licked.”

“I'd rather you didn’t.” Archer declined nervously.

“Why not?”

“I have my reasons.”

“What are they?” Llona asked. “I’ll bite.”

“T hat’s what I’m airaid of.”

“Well, I’rn not going to just let you turn over and go to sleep all hung up this way,” Llona told him. “It’s not healthy.”

“What do you suggest?”

“If at first you don’t succeed . . . ” Llona blew in his ear. “Maybe it's a matter of exploring subsidiary erogenous zones,” she purred.

“ ‘Subsidiary erogenous zones’? I feel like I’m being made love to by the editor of National Geographic.“

“Shh.” Llona kissed the base of his neck. Then her hair trailed over his chest as her lips moved to his left nipple. Her tongue traced the cutlet of roseate. The tip hardened and came erect and she caught it between her lips. Archer caught his breath and squirmed.

I..lona’s hands moved over his buttocks. Her fingertips dipped into the cleft there. She probed more deeply and Archer writhed.

One of Llona’s hands slid over his hips to his stomach. Her nails scratched a pattern around his belly button. Then her index finger stabbed at the tiny orifice. Archer bounced.

“Well now! Look at that!” Llona cooed.

Archer looked. Llona’s ministrations had transformed the sheet covering into a tent. Eager to take advantage of this, anxious lest it follow past patterns and dissipate pre- maturely, Archer threw the sheet off and started to swing his body over hers once again.

“No, wait.” Llona said. “you tire so easily,” she reminded him. “I don’t want you to exert yourself. Let me do the work.” She pushed him back down on his back and straddled him. Teasingly, she poised just over the flagpole of his passion. “Are you ready?” she inquired.

“Yeah! Yeah! Hurry up!” Archer panted.

“Now?”

“Yeah! Yeah! Now! Now!”

“Ready or not, here I come!” Llona trilled.

“Come and gone if you don’t hurry up!”

“All right. Now!” Llona lowered herself. She did not lower herself slowly. She did not lower herself gently. She did not lower herself the way Archer had every right to anticipate that she would lower herself.

What she did was to slam down hard, with deadly accuracy, deliberately not impaling herself, hitting Archer’s Johnson with the bone of her left buttock like a rock snapping a twig, crunching his supplementary genitalia with the knack of an old-fashioned druggist wielding mortar and pestle. The result wrecked more than his passion. It was devastating. It damn near destroyed Archer’s equipment for good-and-all.

“Oooh.hhooohhhooohhhOOOHHHOOOHHH!” The shock was so great that his agonized reaction started with a low moan and grew in volume until it became a high-pitched shriek as the full extent of the pain was relayed from his testes to his brain.

There’s too much violence in the world. Like the TV industry, in the interests of good taste, let us black out what followed. There is no need to dwell on Archer’s swollen agony. There is no need for the camera to follow him out into the night as he runs screaming incoherently up the road, clutching his wounded organs, holding them out before him like a fattened sacrificial lamb being offered to placate the angry goddesses of mortality, haying at the moon in the vain hope that balm for the victims of ballbusters might be forthcoming. No, there’s no need to dwell on those agonizing hours. A time lapse is indicated. . .

It is a week later. The pain has abated. The swelling has gone down. Archer’s organs are back to normal.

“Normal”? Well, anyway, the pain was gone. And they looked okay. As to function . . . Archer just didn’t know. .

But there is no memory of pain. That's what the obstetricians tell women going into labor, anyway. (And if ninety per cent of the women seem to suffer from 'total recall right down to the snipping of the umbilical cord, if constant and eager verbalization of this unremembered pain takes on the form of female competition, if their clincher is “So show me an obstetrician who ever had a baby and let him tell me he can’t remember how he suffered,” if the lie thus seems to be given to the “no-memory-of-pain” theory, that still may be no reason to scrap it. The explanation may simply be masochistic nostalgia, a Weiz-schmertz-y picking of scabs long healed, a deSade-like probing with the mental tongue of yesterday’s sore tooth.) So, Archer had no memory of pain past.

What he did have was a fear of pain future. Plus a fear of being let down by his whimsical whang when next he put it to the test. But Archer was determined to overcome both fears. By an accent of syllable, he lent originality to triteness and verbalized it to himself this way: “I shall over-come!"

After his experience with Llona, however, he wasn’t about to risk “over-come-ing” in the domestic hay. The very thought of sex with his wife was enough to make him break out in an Alaskan sweat. He wouldn’t touch her with a ten-foot pole.

(“A ten-foot pole”? He should be a tenth so sexy! “A ten-foot pole”? Recalling Llona’s catastrophic calisthenics, Archer pitied the ten-foot Pole who tried! “A ten-foot pole”? She’d probably chop it up for kindling!)