The pussycat transplant

Luscious Penny Candie, the (unmarried) girl from PUSSYCAT, finds herself in an embarrassing situation, i.e. pregnant — again!

The plans to fix Penny up get kind of screwed up, and before it's over, her bright little brain is transplanted into the body of a tall, handsome, girl-ridden young man!

He, too, is called “Penny.” He’s in trouble not only with his monster mother, his nymphomaniac ex-wife, and his boss’s sexy secretary, but the Law, too.

Well — there are some false starts and, uh, “peculiar" difficulties in adjusting to the life of a virile man, but the girl from PUSSYCAT hasn’t been a conniving female all these years for nothing, and it all helps—when you’re suddenly called upon to be a conniving man.

THE PUSSYCAT

TRANSPLANT

Ted Mark

1968

CHAPTER ONE

One of the saddest stories that Penny Candie had ever heard concerned a young, unmarried girl who became pregnant. Valiantly, this girl decided to bear her illegitimate child. She took a train to another city where nobody knew her, changed her name, checked into a maternity home, and took all sorts of other precautions to insure having her baby in absolute anonymity. Going into labor, she felt secure in the knowledge that she’d done everything possible to hide her identity and to carry through with the childbirth without her parents or friends finding out about it. And so she gave birth—

To quintuplets!

The odds were a trillion to one, but nevertheless Penny Candie wasn’t willing to take the chance. Like the unfortunate girl, Penny was young, single—and pregnant. But she didn’t feel valiant, and she didn’t want to have the baby. The problem was that she didn’t know what to do about it.

She couldn’t even talk it over with Studs Levine, because Studs was in Vietnam. Studs was the father—the only possible father, since he was the only man with whom Penny had ever had a carnal caper. Two carnal capers, to be exact. That was the extent of coital experience for Penny, but it was enough. Now Studs was off soldiering and Penny was left holding the baby bag.

It was her bag, and she knew it, and she confided her predicament to nobody. The only other person who knew about it was the doctor who’d run the rabbit test.

“Hello, Mrs. Candie,” he’d said when he called her. “Good news I have for you—”

“Miss Candie.” Penny had corrected him automatically.

“I see.” The doctor had sighed. “Well, Miss Candie, trouble I’m afraid you’ve got . . .”

That about summed it up. Penny was pregnant. Penny had trouble. There seemed no way out. And then, one night shortly after she’d learned of her condition, Penny’s doorbell rang.

“Overpopulation is the major problem facing the world today!” the woman at the door announced. “Something has to be done about it.”

“I’m for that!” Penny agreed. “And fast!” she added fervently.

“Yes, fast,” the woman sighed. “But it’s too late for me.” She spoke firmly. The maternity dress she was wearing pushed the proof out in front of her like a watermelon in a wheelbarrow.

“Won’t you come in and sit down?” Penny, quite a few months behind her, nevertheless felt a natural empathy.

“Thanks.” The woman followed Penny into the living room and sank into an easy chair.

“Is this your first pregnancy?” Penny asked.

“No. My tenth.”

“I can see why you’re worried about overpopulation.”

“Right here is where it’s at, baby.” The woman thumped her protruding tummy.

“Excuse me for asking,” Penny said hesitantly. “But are you married?”

“Ten years,” the pregnant Woman sighed.

“T-en years, ten babies,” Penny mused.

“All born at the end of September. This one’s due then too. Goddam New Year’s Eve parties!” Another sigh. “But like I said, it’s too late for me. Not for some other poor woman though.”

Penny felt a flickering of hope. “What do you mean?” she asked. “How isn’t it too late for other girls? What can be done?”

“Sign this!” The woman waved a sheaf of papers in Penny’s face.

“What is it?”

“A petition to the state legislature.”

“What for?”

“To reform the abortion laws, that’s what.” The Woman shifted her bulk uncomfortably and grimaced. “Gas pains,” she explained. “Pressure. It won’t be long now.” She belched delicately. “They’re archaic,” she continued. “They’re based on an outmoded morality that has nothing to do with the realities of our time. Yes, reality itself demands that they be changed.”

“How long do you think it will take to change them?” Penny asked.

“To make them really modern? Years probably. But change has to begin somewhere.”

Years! That wasn’t going to help her own reality, Penny reflected. There was no hope for her own condition through legislation.

“Will you sign the petition?” the pregnant woman persisted.

“Of course.” Penny signed.

After she’d seen the woman out, the word bounced around Penny’s mind like a visiting relative overstaying his welcome, but secure in the knowledge that he won’t be thrown out. Abortion! “Who can withstand the strength of an idea Whose time has come”? Not Penny Candie! Her time was ripe, the idea planted: Abortion! True, legally it was out of the question. But illegally there must be ways. Penny’s problem was to find one.

She decided to seek advice. There was a girl Penny worked with named Sappho, a “swinger,” a Juno-esque brunette who’d made a life study of the terrain of erotic behavior and who might be expected to have charted detours around such sandtraps as the one from which Penny was now trying to extricate herself. Penny approached the topic with Sappho obliquely.

“I have a friend who’s in trouble,” Penny began.

“Penny, you got caught!” Sappho deduced. “How far gone are you?”

“It’s not me. It’s a friend. This girl—”

“At least you don’t show yet, so it can’t be too bad,” Sappho mused.

“She’s about six weeks along,” Penny persisted doggedly. “She came to me and asked if I knew some way she might—”

“It’s easy, baby. Do you knit?”

“Do I what?”

“Knit. You know. Do you knit?” Sappho repeated.

“Well, no. I don’t knit. I mean my friend doesn’t knit.” Penny caught herself. “In any case, in this day and age, I wouldn’t be bothered making a layette. I mean, she wouldn’t be both--”

“I don’t mean you should start making little things like booties. I mean you can solve your problem with a knitting needle,” Sappho clarified.

“With a knitting needle? How?”

Sappho explained.

Penny listened carefully. She even made Sappho repeat certain things. When the brunette had finished, Penny was sure she understood. After she and Sappho parted, the first thing Penny did was to go down to a knitting supply store.

“I’d like to buy a knitting needle,” she told the woman behind the counter.

“Certainly. Long, short, or medium?”

“I’m not sure.” Penny pondered a moment, doing a little mental measuring. “About so long.” She held her hands apart to demonstrate.

“I don’t believe we have any quite that small. But I guess you want short needles all right. What number do you want?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“What number? We have numbers six through fourteen in the short.”

“What difference does it make?” Penny inquired.

“It depends on what you’re knitting. If you’re making argyles, you’ll want a narrower needle point. If you’re doing a loose-weave sweater, you’ll want something larger.”

“Hmm. The narrower,” Penny decided. It was no time for modesty.

“Very well. What color?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it does. What color is the wool you’re using?”

“Flesh colored.”

“Then you’ll want a dark green or maroon to stand out against it. That will be easier on your eyes.” The salesgirl selected a long, narrow box from the shelf behind her. “Can I sell you some wool?” she asked.

“That won’t be necessary,” Penny answered firmly.

“You’ll be needing a pattern,” the salesgirl suggested.

“No. I think I know the pattern. I’ve memorized it.”

“Really?” the salesgirl shrugged off her disbelief. “Well, these will be three-oh-five with tax.”

“I don’t want them both,” Penny told her. “I only want to buy one.”

“One? What can you knit with one knitting needle?”

“Peace of mind,” Penny murmured.

“I beg your pardon? I didn’t quite catch that. But in any case, we only sell them in pairs. You’ll have to buy both.”

“All right.” Penny figured she could always hold onto the second needle just in case of another emergency. You never know. She paid the girl and left.

Alone in her apartment a little while later she set about following Sappho’s instructions. They seemed simple enough. But-—

“I don’t understand,” the doctor said over the phone when Penny called him. “You’ve got a what stuck where?”

“I can’t explain,” Penny wailed. “Just get over here fast!”

He did as she asked and surveyed the situation. “Don’t move!” he told her. “I’ll be right back.”

“Where are you going?” Penny sobbed.

“Up to my mother’s. She lives right around the corner. I won’t be gone a minute.”

“Your mother’s! What for!”

“To borrow a crochet hook.” The door slammed behind the doctor.

“Modern medicine!” Penny sniffled.

The doctor returned as quickly as he’d said he would. He sterilized the crochet hook and did what was necessary. When he was through, he turned to Penny sternly. “Now just what do you think you were trying to do, young lady?” he demanded.

Penny told him.

“And you never even held a knitting needle in your hand before!” The doctor shook his head disgustedly. “That’s the trouble with all the professions today. Amateurs trying to perform like experts. Didn’t it occur to you to practice a little first? Make a pair of socks or something just to get the hang of it?”

“I don’t have time,” Penny sobbed. “Something has to be done right away. Can’t you help me?”

“And go to jail? Not on your life. I wouldn’t touch it with a ten-foot knitting needle.”

“But what am I going to do?” Penny wailed.

“Go to Puerto Rico,” the doctor suggested. “You can practically take your pick of abortion mills there. I can put you in contact with a doctor who’ll see to it that it’s done safely, under hospital conditions.”

Penny took down the information. “Just one more question,” she said as the doctor was leaving. “How do I get to Puerto Rico?”

“Fly now, pay later,” the doctor suggested.

“I’ve never traveled much,” Penny said. “How do I go about making arrangements?”

“See your friendly travel agent.” The doctor shot her a reassuring smile and left.

The next day Penny visited a travel agent. “I want to go to Puerto Rico,” she told him.

“Certainly. I can arrange a flight and hotel reservations for about three months from today.”

“You don’t understand. I have to go right away.”

“Impossible. All the flights are booked solid. So are the hotels. If you have to have a vacation right away, why don’t you try skiing in Vermont. It’s not as warm, but it is available.”

“I don’t ski, and besides—”

“You could learn. No? Well then, how about Miami? I could get you into a hotel there in about six weeks.”

“It has to be Puerto Rico. And right away,” Penny insisted.

“How about Haiti? There’s a revolution brewing there. It makes for a very unusual and exciting vacation.”

“Puerto Rico.”

“You want my advice?” The travel agent leaned over the counter and spoke confidentially into Penny’s ear. “Have the baby. There’s a list of unwed mothers a mile long that come ahead of you. Puerto Rico’s out of the question.”

Defeated, Penny left. Desperate, she thought and thought about her predicament. After a few days she hit on one long chance. She decided to try it.

Penny got off the Brooklyn subway at the end of the line. Walking toward the ocean, she could see the long queue of people that marked her destination. She got on the end of the line. Casually, she studied the other people in line as they shuffled slowly forward.

“You come to Coney Island often?” The girl alongside her struck up a conversation with Penny.

“No. This is my first time.”

“Mine too. Aren’t you afraid to ride the roller coaster?”

“Yes.”

“Then why are you on line to do it?”

“Why are you?” Penny countered.

“A guy named Joe,” the girl admitted frankly. “And you?”

“The same situation.”

“Well, we’re not alone.” The girl gestured to include the line.

“There certainly are a lot of girls here by themselves,” Penny agreed. “And some of them look so desperate.”

“Well, aren’t you desperate?”

“I certainly am,” Penny admitted.

“Me, too. Well, here we go.” The girl stepped up to the ticket booth for the ride.

Penny followed her. “Three rides,” she told the cashier.

“Here you are.” The cashier handed Penny the tickets. “And I hope it works,” he added sincerely. “But I’m afraid there’s no guarantee.”

Penny joined the other girl in the first car of the roller coaster. They fastened the bar which locked them in and after a moment the machinery whirred and they were climbing toward the sky.

“Whee!” the girl shouted as they plunged into the first descent.

“I feel sick!” Penny decided.

“Well, that’s the idea.”

“I don’t mean that. I mean nauseous.”

“Then lean away from the wind on your own side of the car. Here we go again. Whee!”

It went on like that for a long, dizzying time. Finally, keeping a tight check on her gorge, Penny disembarked. The other girl reeled alongside her as they walked away from the roller coaster.

“How are you feeling?” she asked Penny after a while.

“Better. Not so dizzy anymore. But it was all for nothing. I can tell.”

“Yeah. Me too. Well, I guess I’ll just have to hit Joe for the money and go to the quack.”

“You mean you know somebody who will—?”

“Sure. You mean you don’t?”

“No. That’s why I came here. It was only as a last resort. If I knew of a doctor who’d help me, I never would have put myself through this.”

“You want his name and all the rest of it?”

“I certainly do. I’ll be everlastingly grateful,” Penny told her sincerely.

“Glad to do it.”

Penny wrote down the information the girl gave her. She thanked her again, treated her to a hot dog, and caught the subway back to Manhattan. It was just getting dark when she reached the address her newfound friend had supplied.

The house was a rundown brownstone, one of a group which lined both sides or the street, on the upper west side of Manhattan. There were two bells just outside the door. The name card above the lower one told Penny that the offices of Mothers’ Helper, Inc. was located on the ground floor of the building.

She pushed the button and a moment later there was an answering buzz that admitted her to the inside hallway. There was a door with a sign on it at the far end. Penny walked to it and entered.

“Do you have an appointment?” The woman at the reception desk looked up at Penny with hostility. She was an immense woman in her middle years, well over six feet tall, heavy with muscles. Her bulk was foreboding, but her face was a blank drool, the visage of an imbecile bull dyke, doughy with stupidity and flushed with sadism.

“No,” Penny admitted. Then she said what she’d been told to say. “I’m told I don’t have to read Dr. Spock.”

“Not if you join our book club. A charter membership will cost you three hundred and fifty dollars-—in advance.”

“I have the premium right here.” Penny counted out the money.

“Then we should be able to reduce your girth.” The woman took the money and got to her feet. “Follow me,” she said.

Penny followed her through another door and down a hallway to a cubicle.

“Take off your clothes,” the woman told her. “I will return and prepare you for Dr. Kilembrio.” Her voice was deep as a man’s, dull as a Mongoloid. “When you’re ready, call me. My name is Miss Carridge.”

Alone, Penny started to strip. She proceeded slowly and without self-consciousness. She never guessed that she was being watched all the time.

Watching girl patients undress was only one of the many offbeat ways in which Miss Carridge got her kicks. There were others which defined her Lesbian inclinations, her sadism and her brute-low intelligence more distinctly. But peeping would satisfy her for openers. So, licking her thick lips, she took up her position on the other side of the plywood wall separating the partition where Penny was disrobing and pressed her eye to the peephole she’d drilled there a long time ago.

Penny removed her blouse and hung it neatly over the hack of a chair. Then she sat on the edge of the examining table and removed her low-heeled shoes. The mini-skirt she was wearing revealed shapely silken thighs. Her long blonde hair fell over the deep cleavage which separated the cups of her bra as she leaned over to unsnap the garters holding her stockings in place.

As Penny raised one leg and slowly unrolled the stocking, Miss Carridge wiped the froth from her chin with the white sleeve of her nurse’s uniform. Her hands clenched and unclenched as if she were squeezing the young breasts upon which her rheumy eyes were focused.

Bare-legged now, Penny stood up and removed the mini-skirt. Her blue eyes darted about, looking for a place to put it. Finally, she folded it neatly and laid it on top of the blouse. She stretched luxuriously. “Miss Carridge,” she called. “I’m ready.”

“Are all your clothes off?” Miss Carridge called back.

“I’m in my bra and panties.”

“Well, take them off too!” Miss Carridge glued her eye to the peephole.

Penny stood a moment in bra and bikini panties. Then she shrugged and reached behind her to unsnap her bra. Miss Carridge bit her lip as two beautifully shaped white orbs sprang free from their confines. The firmly molded, yet delicately shaded flesh had been pinched by the bra and there was a faint corrugation of pink ridges on the underside of the breasts. Penny cupped them and massaged the area. The gentle stroking brought blood to the breast-tips and the large aureoles turned a deeper shade of pink while the maroon nipples themselves quivered and distended. Miss Carridge’s hands twisted like wrenches bent on ripping Penny’s breasts from her torso. Her broad nose was squeezed flat with the pressure of her avidity at the peephole.

Penny stretched and froze in the stretching position a moment, luxuriating in it. Her breasts thrust out excitingly. The curve of her hips, emphasized by her narrow waist, arched impetuously over the top of the skimpy bikini panties. Faint muscles were visible along the lines of her flushed and shapely thighs. Miss Carridge’s eyes automatically separated flesh from bones and her breathing grew hoarse with the image of filleting the fille.

Now the bosomy blonde turned around and her hands went to her hips to push down the bikini panties. Her plump bottom was carried high and clearly sculpted. The round cheeks trembled enticingly as Penny bent over to step out of the frivolous garment. Miss Carridge’s eyes cracked whiplash lines over the unsullied orbs.

Straightening up, Penny mounted the examining table and stretched out flat. Miss Carridge studied the lithe young body a moment. The stomach was firm and absolutely flat; there wasn’t the slightest hint of a bulge to suggest Penny’s condition. As Miss Carridge’s eyes traveled downward, her long, somewhat dirty fingernails worked like tweezers to pluck at the follicles of the fine, golden triangle covering the high mound of Penny’s femaleness. Penny’s voice ended Miss Carridge’s sadistic reverie.

“Miss Carridge. I’m completely undressed now,” Penny called. “I’m ready.”

Miss Carridge went in to her. Penny started to sit up on the examining table. “Stay the way you are,” Miss Carridge instructed. “Lie flat.”

Penny obeyed.

The mammoth nurse stood over her, looking down with a concentration that was both stupid and hungry. The deliciousness of close quarters made sweat break out on her brow. Deliberately, Miss Carridge reached down and pinched one of Penny’s nipples cruelly.

“Ouch!” Penny responded. “Why did you do that?”

“I have to test the responses of your erogenous zones.” Miss Carridge twisted the other nipple.

“Ow! Why?”

“Don’t ask so many questions. I’m the nurse. I know what I’m doing.”

“Well, can’t you try to be a little more gentle?”

“This is a necessary preliminary examination before the doctor can perform the operation.” Miss Carridge reached under Penny and dug her nails into one of the plump nether cheeks.

Penny bit her lip and kept herself from crying out. An instant later, however, as the questing fingers shifted position and plunged deeply, rudely, she not only yelled, but jumped as well. “Oof! Do you have to do that?”

“Yes.” Miss Carridge worked her hand more deeply and the painful pressure increased.

“Please stop! I can’t stand it.” Penny writhed.

“Lie quiet. Don’t be a silly goose.”

“I think . . . rather . . . that I’m the victim of one,” Penny grunted.

Miss Carridge withdrew her hand and surreptitiously sniffed it. Penny drew a deep, relieved breath. Too soon. Her ordeal wasn’t over yet.

The nurse drew Penny’s legs up and inserted the feet in the stirrups on either side of the examining table. This forced Penny’s thighs wide apart. Miss Carridge was quick to take advantage of the position. Both her hands moved to the juncture of Penny’s thighs and roughly separated the lips there.

“Do you have to be so rough?” Penny wailed. “You’re scratching me!”

“Be quiet!” Miss Carridge dug her fingernails in more deeply. Cruelly, she moved her hands upward a bit and located Penny’s clitoris. Her nails assailed it rhythmically. Penny squirmed with pain and sudden arousal.

One hand continued the manipulation. The other forced its way between the lips and deeply into the tight interior. Penny’s body tossed with an exquisite, erotic agony.

Carried away, Miss Carridge bent low over the distraught girl and glued her blubbery lips to the fount of her femininity. Her rough tongue worked eagerly; her cheeks puffed in and out; and finally her cruel teeth gnashed to insure the balance between sexual arousal and pain. Penny cried out.

“Miss Carridge!” The roly-poly little man in the white coat stood in the doorway to the cubicle and snapped out the nurse’s name with authority. “You will stop what you’re doing and do it!” he commanded.

“I was just conducting a preliminary examination, Doctor.” The nurse stepped away from Penny and answered him defiantly.

“From such an examination, halitosis in the vagina she could catch from you, no?”

“I know you!” Penny was sitting up on the examining table and staring at the pudgy doctor.

“Ah, so. But of course. Is the young lady with the shpritz annihilating the bunny.”

“Are you Dr. Kilembrio?” Penny was surprised.

“But of course.”

“But you’re the doctor in the laboratory who runs the rabbit tests.”

“So I’m moonlighting a bit. From the wee-wee analysis alone a living a man should make? No. So I’m scraping up what I can on the side.”

“But why didn’t you tell me?” Penny said indignantly. “In my position, you knew I was in the market. You have no idea how hard it was to find someone like you.”

“Soliciting, I’m not,” Dr. Kilembrio told her sternly, thumping his round basketball of a stomach for emphasis. “Like rubber they are maybe, but ethics I am having.”

“I’m sorry.” Penny apologized.

“All right.” The doctor rubbed his hands together briskly. “So getting down to business we are. Miss Carridge, a sheet you’re throwing over the yummies and wheeling the patient downstairs to the operating room.”

“Downstairs?” Penny inquired.

“Yes. In the basement I’m scraping up my extra cash. Is more private there and also has furnace for disposal of evidence if necessary.”

With the fat doctor leading the way, Miss Carridge wheeled Penny’s sheet-covered body up to a thick door, unbolted it and then pushed her down a ramp to the cellar. It was a large, sterile-looking room. Even the huge furnace at one end was painted an antiseptic white.

Waving Miss Carridge off, Dr. Kilembrio set about examining Penny himself. His movements were professional and impersonal. When he was finished, he nodded to Penny. “Is no problem,” he assured her. “Unpregnant you’ll be in a jiffy.”

But as he bent to his task, there came an unexpected interruption. There was a pounding on the door at the top of the ramp and the muffled sound of a hysterical female voice. Dr. Kilembrio and Miss Carridge looked at each other with mutual apprehension.

“Covering her up and keeping her covered,” Dr. Kilembrio hissed. “I’m answering door to see what the happening is.”

“Lie still,” Miss Carridge instructed Penny as she covered her with the sheet from head to toe.

Dr. Kilembrio unbolted the door at the top of the ramp and positioned his body so that the person on the other side couldn’t see through the opening. The squat, middle-aged woman on the other side was shaking with anxiety. “My son, Doctor. He’s shot himself. Come quickly. He’s shot himself.”

“A moment. My bag I’m getting.” Dr. Kilemhrio latched the door carefully in the woman’s face and went back down to Miss Carridge. “Is bad,” he told her. “A thing like this could bringing the fuzz down on us like brick tonnage. I’m going to see if I can stop that happening. You staying with patient. Hearing bulls, you knowing what you have to do.”

Miss Carridge nodded almost happily. She knew what she should do. She walked with the doctor to the door and bolted it behind him.

To Penny, still covered completely by the sheet, it seemed like a very long time passed in silence. Then, faintly, the sounds of a police car siren reached her ears. The noise grew louder. It mingled with the sounds of Miss Carridge springing into efficient action.

Miss Carridge swung open the door to the huge furnace and backed away from the blast of heat given off by the roaring flames. She went behind the stretcher and pushed it to the brink of the fire. Then, humming to herself, she tipped the stretcher. Feet-first, the sheet-covered figure of Penny Candie was propelled into the inferno!

Miss Carridge closed the furnace door. Outside the sirens grew louder. She grunted contentedly. The sound of flesh crackling in flames was just discernible behind the noise of the sirens. It was too sudden for Penny even to have had a chance to scream.

She never even had a chance to say how much she disliked barbecues . . .

CHAPTER TWO

Turn back the clock . . .

Morning becomes electric. A circuit is completed, current flows, a clock-radio eases Pennington P. Potter into a new day. A razor is plugged into a bathroom socket and overnight bristles are removed from sleep-slack cheeks. Toast pops forth from between red-hot filaments and coffee gurgles from an A.C. perc-pot. Shortly, an automatic dishwasher hums into action and sloshes the breakfast utensils. Electrified into wakefulness, Pennington P. Potter is now ready to start the day.

At this moment there is no thought in his mind that he will end it by putting a bullet through his brain!

What Pennington P. Potter is thinking is that he must wake his mother, with whom he shares the brownstone duplex. He is steeling himself for this. Mrs. Potter, his mother, greets each new day as if it were a mountain of troubles deliberately placed in her path by her only son, Pennington. This morning is no different.

“Why,” she asked as she opened her eyes, “have you, only son, deliberately placed this mountain of troubles in my path?”

“I don’t understand. Could you rephrase the question, Mother?”

“I was having this dream,” she explained. “I was walking down a narrow lane and suddenly my way was blocked by this mountain of troubles. You were standing on top of it and jumping up and down with glee and bragging how you put it there deliberately. I don’t think that was very nice, Pennington.”

“I’m sorry, Mother.”

“I worry enough about you when I’m awake. I do wish you’d stay out of my dreams.”

“I’ll try, Mother.”

“Perhaps you should talk to your shrink about it. He must be good for something constructive,” Mrs. Potter said nastily.

“I wish you wouldn’t refer to Dr. Hitler as a ‘shrink,’ Mother. He’s a licensed psychiatrist and a qualified psychoanalyst. When you call him a ‘shrink,’ you’re only trying to shake my faith in him.”

“Why shouldn’t I? Doesn’t he try to shake your faith in me? Isn’t he always passing the buck to me for all your neuroses?”

“Not really. He’s simply helping me see the inevitable œdipal hangups that have resulted from our relationship.”

“Œdipal hangups indeed! What’s wrong with a boy kissing his mother good night?”

“Nothing. But when the boy is twenty-nine years old and the mother keeps kissing and the boy likes it, that’s not normal.”

“What’s not normal? A boy should love his mother,” Mrs. Potter insisted. “Your shrink is against mother-love, that’s what he is. And if you ask me, that’s his problem, not yours. But what can you expect from a shrink with a name like Adolph Hitler? Believe me, if he was healthy himself, he would have changed his name.”

“Dr. Hitler explained all that to me,” Pennington told his mother. “His name is one of the reasons he became an analyst. When he was younger he went through a real identity crisis. But if he’d changed his name he wouldn’t have been facing up to reality. That would only have been submerging the problem. So he went into analysis instead and resolved it. Now he says he finds the name useful in getting patients to release their aggressions toward him.”

“I’d like to release my aggressions toward him!”

“Why bother when you have me, Mother?”

“I never release my aggressions toward you! Never! Never! Never!” Mrs. Potter’s clenched fists pounded the nightstand beside the bed. “You’re my son and I love you!” Her voice mounted to a shriek.

“All right, Mother. Calm yourself.”

“I have never once released aggression toward you. Not once! And Lord knows I’ve had aggression! Lord knows I’ve had reason to have aggression! Lord knows you’ve given me reason! But have I ever shown it? No! Never!”

“You’re turning purple, Mother. Now calm yourself.” Pennington patted her perspiring brow and surreptitiously wiped off his hand on a corner of the blanket. “I have to be leaving now, or I’ll be late for work,” he told her.

“That’s right! First get me all upset. Then leave me all alone!”

“I have to go to work, Mother.”

“If you didn’t give half your salary to that ex-wife of yours, you wouldn’t have to work at all.”

“I don’t give Brandy half my salary, only about a third. Besides, she’s entitled—”

“She’s entitled to nothing! That redheaded floozy! I don’t know why you ever married her in the first place!”

“As I recall, it was because you thought she’d make a good wife. As I recall, my wishes were consulted only after you and she made all the arrangements. As I recall, you picked her out for me, Mother.”

“That"s right, throw it in my face! Twenty-nine years of motherhood and I make one mistake, and will you let me forget it? No! That’s the thanks I get!”

“I’m not throwing it in your face. I’m only saying I don’t give Brandy half my salary.”

“Then you must be throwing it out on that other floozy clown in the Village!”

“If you mean Sonia, she’s not a floozy. She’s a freelance illustrator and she makes a very good living without any help from me. She enjoys my company and I enjoy hers and I don’t see why that should bother you, Mother.”

“When you get home at five o’clock in the morning and don’t get any sleep, I’m bothered. I’m your mother. It’s normal.”

“Well, I won’t be home late tonight, so you don’t have to worry. That is I won’t be home late if you’ll just let me get out of here so I can get to work.”

“Work! Ha! You just want to get to the office before your boss does so you can grab that Miss Hodgkiss behind the water cooler and lover her up.”

“Mother, my relationship with Miss Hodgkiss is strictly business. But I’m not going to argue with you anymore. I don’t have time. I have to leave now.” Before she could argue, Pennington gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and exited.

Coming out the front door of the brownstone, in his hurry Pennington almost collided with the mammoth female figure mounting the front stoop. “Oops! Sorry.” Pennington stepped aside. “Good morning, Miss Carridge,” he added.

“Ggrrrowbpf!” Miss Carridge grunted and kept going without breaking stride.

Pennington shrugged and headed for the subway. A half hour later he disembarked and walked the two blocks to his office. He pushed through the doors of the Fuller Lawn Manure Co., ignoring the company slogan embossed under the name—“Six Pounds of Fertilizing Power in a Five Pound Bag”— and went directly to his own private office with the name-plaque and the title “COMPTROLLER” on the door. He stayed just long enough to deposit his attache case and then headed for the stockroom.

There, behind the water cooler, Miss Hodgkiss was bending over to get some folders from one of the lower shelves. Pennington reached out and under the short skirt she was wearing. His hand closed over one silk-encased cheek of her delectable derriere and squeezed gently.

“Morning, Mr. Potter.” Miss Hodgkiss neither flinched nor found it necessary to turn around to identify the bestower of the bold caress.

“Why so formal this morning, Clytemnestra?”

“You’re informal enough for both of us.” She pushed back and wriggled against his hand, shooting him an impish glance over her shoulder.

“If my right hand offend thee, pluck it out.”

“I’m not offended,” Clytemnestra murmured. She stood up and faced him, checking to make sure the water cooler blocked them from the view of anybody passing the open door of the stockroom. Then she pressed against him and held up her mouth to be kissed.

The kiss lasted a long time. During it, Pennington fulfilled his mother’s prophecy by grabbing freely at various erotically meaningful portions of Miss Hodgkiss’ body. It had more than its share of such portions.

Pulchritude! That summed up Clytemnestra Hodgkiss. She was one of those blondes who like to pull their hair back tight, wear rimless glasses and very little makeup because by thus playing down an attractive face they are sure that attention will be drawn to a torso which merits it. Clytemnestra’s torso merited it in spades.

Following the route of Pennington’s hands, there were warm thighs, just a trifle heavy and tapering down to shapely legs. Above them was a pert bottom, small and trim. Her hips, like her thighs, were on the fleshy side and made all the more attractive by the narrowness of her waist. Small breasts, but carried very high and beautifully shaped, completed the tactile journey. Pennington’s hands lingered on them, his fingertips digging a little to trace the sharp nipple under the dress and bra she wore.

Clytemnestra broke the kiss. “Party time’s over,” she told him. “Mr. Fuller will be in any minute.”

“Check. See you back here at lunchtime?”

“Not today. I have to get over to the bank and take care of those financial obligations,” Clytemnestra demurred.

“That’s right. I forgot.”

“Well, I didn’t. And I’m really grateful, Pennington. I want you to know that.”

“Ah, forget it.” He slapped her lightly on the behind and started her on her way out of the stockroom. “What Fuller doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Just look at it as strictly a paper transaction.”

“It’s more than that. I just want you to know I appreciate it.”

They parted company in the hallway outside the stockroom. Pennington went back to his office and closed the door behind him. He took off his jacket, hung it over the back of his chair and started going over the morning mail. That done, he spent the rest of the morning working an the company’s ledgers.

Shortly before noon his phone rang. It was Sonia. She was at loose ends and wanted to know if he’d like to take tier to lunch. Pennington made arrangements to meet her at a little restaurant in Chinatown which was halfway between the Village where she lived and worked and the Wall Street area where his office was located.

Pennington arrived first. The restaurant was heavy on atmosphere-—which is to say it was darker than the inside of an inkwell. Still, he had no trouble spotting Sonia when she arrived.

Nobody else in the restaurant had any trouble spotting her either. Sonia’s entrance was spectacular. She poised at the top of the short staircase, peered into the gloom, took one step forward, missed the stair and hurtled into the lining area where she collided with a waiter carrying a stay heavy-laden with Cantonese delicacies. Egg foo yung splattered the patrons in the immediate vicinity and barbecued spareribs flew through the air like antipersonnel missiles. Those seated at the lower end of the bar were caught in a sudden drizzle of Wonton soup.

Pennington picked his way through the fried rice, and rescued Sonia from the middle of a scene with a waiter, a customer and the manager which had all the elements of an opening skirmish in a tong war. He guided her back to the booth and squeezed in beside her. With a cavalier flourish, he picked a fortune cookie from among the strands of her long, straight black hair where it had become lodged and deposited it in an ashtray. “How do you feel?” he asked solicitously.

“Like an Oriental Helen of Troy,” she answered.

“Is this the face that launched a thousand sampans?” Pennington quipped.

“It wasn’t my fault.” Sonia was defensive. “Why do you always pick such dark restaurants?”

“So I can do this without being seen.” Pennington bent over and delicately bit the tip of her large breast through the man’s workshirt she was wearing, “Mmm,” he decided. “Soy sauce.”

“Besides, I can’t help it if I’m nearsighted.”

“You could wear glasses.”

“They only strain your eyes more and then you get more myopic,” Sonia told him.

“Well then, I’ve got a really drastic solution for you. Cut your bangs.”

“Never!” Sonia was adamant.

“Aside from your ocular problems, how do you manage to blow your nose?”

“Very funny,” she sniffed.

“As a matter of fact, if you don’t cut those damn bangs soon,” Pennington told her, “you’re going to have a hard time locating your mouth to eat. You’re a skinny wench at best, and you can’t afford any forced starvation diet.”

“You can always find it for me,” Sonia murmured. “Can’t you?” Her upturned lips were very close to his.

Pennington kissed her. It was a long kiss during which both his hands were very busy under the tablecloth. Sonia was indeed quite thin, but what she lacked in flesh she made up for in responsiveness. Her slender body was like a tightly coiled spring of sexuality reduced to heightened essentials. She was a bundle of nervous energy — all of it erotic.

After a while they ordered. When the food arrived they made a game of eating with chopsticks one-handed. Each of them kept the other hand under the table where they caressed each other like greedy adolescents. They even giggled like kids as the rice eluded their lips.

They cooled off over the tea, getting ready to return to their respective work. “Darling,” Sonia said, suddenly becoming serious, “I have a problem. A financial problem.”

“Like what?” Pennington wondered.

Sonia explained.

Pennington’s face became grave as he listened. “That’s a tall order,” he said when she finished.

“I know. And it’s rotten of me to lay it on you. But there’s no one else I can turn to.”

“I’ll manage something,” Pennington promised.

Just what he was going to manage and how was much on his mind when Pennington got back to the office. Together with Clytemnestra Hodgkiss’ problem, it distracted him from his work that afternoon. Then a third burden was piled on top of the other two in a way that made his mother’s kvetching that morning echo in his mind like utterances by Nostradamus. The echo was there the moment he picked up the phone and heard the voice tin the other end of the line.

“Pennington? It’s me, Brandy.”

Memories of mammaries . . . Marital memories clogging the bloodstream . . . Pre-Reno sense memories . . . the aphrodisiac aroma of perfumed red hair catching in his lips as he sought out the long, even redder nipple its fanned strands blanketed . . . The sweet taste of love nectar as the swell of her hips rolled frantically in response to his deep-questing mouth . . . The husky sound of pleasure moans as he dug his nails into fiery buttocks to make their fierce joining ever fiercer . . . The sight of her naked teasing designed to spur an encore with the quick-panting movements of extra-large breasts, the bump-and-grind of the quivering, red-curled triangle of desire, the hide-and-seek of her tongue laving his loins . . . the touch of her throbbing clitoris against him, and then the feel of that surprising strength in her thighs as she locked her legs around him and the wondrous palpitating suction that embraced his manhood like a hot, clutching glove . . . Sense memories of Brandy . . . anatomy of a bitch . . . all for love—-and love for all she could get! That was the voice in Pennington’s ear; that was his ex-wife, Brandy!

“Hello, bitch.” He greeted her with mixed feelings. Bitchiness in the bedroom can be as much a reason for rueing a divorce as bitchiness at large can be for ending a marriage.

“Don’t be like that, Pennington. Don’t be bitter. Please. Not now when I need you.”

“You need me? Since when? And by the way, where were you back in those days of marital bliss when I needed you?”

“Please, Pennington. I don’t have time to refight old wars. I’m in trouble. You have to help me.”

“I don’t have to do anything. Let’s keep that straight.”

“All right. I’m throwing myself on your mercy. If you ever felt anything at all for me . . .” There was a lot more in that vein. When Brandy wanted to pull out the stops, she was damn good at it. She knew just what strings to twang, just what nerves were exposed, just what emotions were still raw enough to respond.

“Okay. Okay.” Pennington couldn’t take any more. “Let’s hear it. What’s bugging you?”

Brandy told him.

“How much did you say?” That was Pennington’s answer.

She repeated the figure.

He whistled. “What makes you think I’ve got that kind of money?”

“You’re a saver. You always were. In your savings account . . . Maybe if you cashed in some stocks . . . I have no right to ask, I know. It’s crummy, but . . .”

“Okay,” he interrupted. “I’ll see what I can do. I’ll get back to you.” Pennington hung up the phone.

He sat at his desk and stared into space for a very long time. It got late and people started to leave for the day. Soon the place had emptied out except for Pennington. Still he waited. When all the other offices were darkened and the entire floor occupied by the firm had been quiet for a while, he finally got up, wearily, and did what he had decided to do.

He put his attaché case on his desk and opened it. He selected certain of the ledgers he’d been going over and put them in the attaché case. He left it there, still open, while he walked down the hallway to the office with the nameplate “A. K. Fuller, PRESIDENT” on the door.

He entered the office and walked directly to the painting behind Fuller’s desk. He pushed the painting aside to reveal the safe hidden behind it. He dialed the combination surely. Only two people knew it—-Mr. Fuller himself, and Pennington P. Potter, COMPTROLLER.

Pennington withdrew the cash box and counted the contents. There was over seventeen thousand dollars in cash. It was the week’s receipts for local sales from the company’s retail outlets. Tomorrow it was due to be deposited in the bank.

Pennington counted out ten thousand dollars and replaced the rest of the money. He put the cash box back and closed the safe. Then he replaced the painting and left the office, the bulky stack of bills clutched in both hands. Back in his own office, he arranged the bills in his attaché case and closed it. Then he left.

More than two hours later, he entered the apartment he shared with his mother. He was empty-handed. He was not carrying the attache case. Neither the ledgers nor the cash were anywhere on his person.

His mother wasn’t home. There was a note chastising him for not coming home on time as he’d promised and saying that she’d run down to the grocer’s and would be right back. Pennington ripped the note off the pad and wrote a note of his own on the sheet under it.

He phrased the note carefully. When he was finished, he went to his bedroom and removed a pistol from the bottom drawer of his bureau. It was a Luger, a souvenir of his peacetime army service in West Germany. He loaded the cartridges in the chamber carefully. He propped the note he’d written on top of the bureau. He held the gun in his right hand and pressed the muzzle against his right temple. He pulled the trigger.

Pennington P. Potter blew his brains out!

CHAPTER THREE

Flatulence!

Loudly and rudely, it broke the hush. Dr. Kilembrio always reacted to stress situations with flatulence. He couldn’t help it. Nervousness built a gaseous pressure which demanded an immediate, explosive release and was incapable of a slow, silent outlet. And so there was a hearty, loud, frank breaking of wind to break the hush in Pennington P. Potter’s bedroom.

“You could say ‘I’m sorry,’ ” Mrs. Potter protested indignantly.

“You shouldn’t blaming yourself,” Dr. Kilembrio said soothingly as he looked with distaste at the hole in Pennington’s head.

“I’m certainly not doing anything of the sort,” Mrs. Potter informed him haughtily. “Besides, I was referring to your rudeness.”

“Excuse it. With me nervousness is building a gasser calls for quick action. Can’t be helped.”

“How is he?” Mrs. Potter ignored his explanation and nodded toward her son.

“What with shooting a lead pellet into his noggin, you shouldn’t expect longevity.”

“Is he—-? Is he dead?”

Dr. Kilembrio stuck his hand under Pennington’s shirt and felt for a heartbeat. “Not yet,” he diagnosed. “But invitations to his next birthday party you shouldn’t be sending.”

The pudgy little doctor was stalling. His brain was going over the probabilities of what might happen next, and the prognosis spelled trouble for him. The victim should probably be gotten to a hospital, but that would mean calling an ambulance. Cops would follow automatically and there would be questions and flatfoots sniffing around all over the premises and a report to fill out and lots of unwanted attention drawn to himself, the kind of attention which might well uncover his little pregnancy erasing plant in the basement. The very thought of it started the pressure building again. Then Dr. Kilembrio heard the police sirens drawing closer. He broke wind again.

“If you don’t mind!” Mrs. Potter wrinkled her nose. The sound of the sirens grew louder. “Listen!” Dr. Kilembrio waved away her prissiness. “You hearing that? Is wailing of the fuzz! Tell me quick! You calling them before me?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“The bluecoats are coming! Did you blow the whistling?”

“If you mean did I call the police, the answer is no. I didn’t call them.”

Dr. Kilembrio held up his hand for her to be quiet. He cocked his head and listened intently for a long moment. The sound of the sirens grew louder and then fainter. Finally the noise faded away altogether. “Is somebody else getting fuzz in their hair,” he decided with relief.

“What about my son?’ Shouldn’t we call an ambulance?”

“Absolutely negative! That would be the worst thing for a man in his conditioning!”

“But if he’s dying . . .”

“So a bumping ambulance ride through dirty New York streets with the air polluting all around is going to save him? No!”

“But you can’t just let him die!” Mrs. Potter wailed.

“Better it would be. Believing me,” Dr. Kilembrio told her.

“What do you mean?”

“His brains he is blowing out, no? So even if we keep the heart ticky-tocking like is doing, what have you got? Heart and a body, yes. But no thinking, no coordination, no doing anything for himself. You got a living vegetable is what you got. Your son if I’m keeping alive is nothing but a blob completely dependent on you like a newborn infant baby.”

“Completely dependent on me?” Mrs. Potter mulled that over without noticeable displeasure. “So what is a mother for?” she wondered aloud.

“A brain he wouldn’t be having,” Dr. Kilembrio reminded her. “The gray matter you could see for yourself is splattering all over the decor.”

“It doesn’t matter. It will be my cross to bear. We must save his life.”

“It ain’t worth the troubling.”

“That’s not for you to say. I’m his mother. I’ll devote the rest of my days to caring for him, to seeing to his needs, to making his smallest decisions.” Mrs. Potter licked her lips. “Now hurry up and save him before it’s too late.”

“That’s motherhood,” Dr. Kilembrio decided philosophically. “So unselfish! Who could stand up against it?” He expressed his flatulence again. “A better case for abortion nobody’s making,” he added under his breath.

“Please hurry.”

Dr. Kilembrio knelt beside Pennington again and peered at the wound in his temple. “You got a hanky?” he asked Mrs. Potter.

“You don’t have to blow your nose,” she told him. “Let it run.”

“Not for nose-wiping. I’m needing it to plug up the hole in his kopf, his brains shouldn’t be leaking out any more than they are.”

“Oh.” Mrs. Potter handed him a dainty handkerchief. He tamped it into the wound and the bleeding stopped. He checked the heartbeat again. It was growing weaker. “I can’t doing anything here,” he told Mrs. Potter. “We’ll have to carrying him down to my operational room. You taking his feet.”

Mrs. Potter picked up the feet and Dr. Kilembrio got a grip under Pennington’s shoulders. Somewhat clumsily, they managed to carry him down the stairs. “Be careful!” Mrs. Potter exclaimed halfway do-wn. “You’re bumping his head!”

“Not making a difference. Nothing much left inside the noggin to joggle anyway.”

When they reached the entrance to the cellar, Dr. Kilembrio set down his end of the burden. He unlocked the door and called to Miss Carridge to come and help him.

“You don’t need her,” Mrs. Potter panted. “I can make it the rest of the way.”

“You’re not coming down in here. Is private.”

“But I’m his mother!”

“So if you’re seeing me thirty years ago, think of the troubling you haven’t got now. Simple like taking out a splinter.”

“Why can’t I come inside with my son?”

“Because I’m saying so!” Dr. Kilembrio told her firmly. “Is delicate operating I’m to perform. One thing I’m not needing is motherhood overlooking my shoulder.” He flatulated decisively. “All right, Miss Carridge,” he added to the nurse as she appeared at the top of the ramp, “you taking by the footsies and down we go.” He kicked the door shut behind him and the lock snapped automatically. Mrs. Potter was left milking sobs on the other side.

When they reached the bottom, Pennington was deposited on an operating table. Dr. Kilembrio stood huffing for a moment from the exertion. The oversized Miss Carridge looked at him with an impassivity that hid her contempt at his lack of muscle power.

“You should exercise more regularly,” she suggested mildly.

“Look who’s suddenly licensed she’s giving medical advice. So all right, my nurse the doctor, why should I be excecising?”

“To firm up some of that flab.”

“Let me telling you something, Miss A.M.A. You are echoing the all-American brainwash, everybody should beef up like the Royal Canadians, skirmy with muscles. From this kind of thinking comes heart attacks. Also, harmful to the psychology it is. All these people running around starving and exercising makes for frustration of the bulge and guilt feelings from the midnight snack and very complex inferiority from secretary spread and such-like. Who’s saying bones and muscles are more attracting than nice healthy fat and extra helpings from flab?”

“It’s generally accepted that-—”

“Exactly! Brainwashing! What we’re needing is to reeducate the fat and the flabby they should loving themselves like they are. The motto should be ‘THINK FAT!’ And the program should stressing that flab is natural and muscling artificial. Flabby folk of the world unite!” Dr. Kilembrio was carried away by his own eloquence. “A roll in the fat is the best kind roll in the hay! Flab is sexy! If nature had meant man to have muscling, he’d be born with them. Big biceps are ugly! Skinny is icky! Bony bodies are for boobs! ‘THINK FAT!’ Bellies are beautiful! Avoirdupois is making for better amour! People should stop worrying they’re having a fat attack! Flab is fabulous! Fat is fine and danding! ‘THINK FAT!’ ”

“Doctor, don’t excite yourself so! You’re getting red in the face. Your blood pressure is going up. And with your weight-—”

“Weight is wonderful! Overweight is better even!”

“Of course, Doctor.” Miss Carridge soothed him. “But we don’t really have time to discuss this now. Do we?”

“I suppose not,” Dr. Kilembrio sighed. “I’ve got to sewing things up so the vegetable is keeping alive.” He looked at Pennington with distaste and sighed again. “By the way,” he added, “where is the young lady with the knock-up?”

“There.” Miss Carridge pointed at the furnace.

“What? What do you meaning?”

“When I heard the sirens and realized the police were coming, I remembered what you said about getting rid of the evidence, and so I put her in there.”

“But the police coming they weren’t.”

“I guess I made a mistake, Doctor, huh?” Miss Carridge asked in a very low voice.

“If you’re stuffing the scrape customer in the furnace, it’s some boo-boo you’re making all right!”

“You don’t have to be sarcastic, Doctor. Everybody makes mistakes. That’s why they put erasers on pencils.”

“From pencils like this you could be making American foreign policy. You think maybe you’re LBJ or Dino Rusk, or somebody? That’s some little error putting a live lady in the furnace like a weenie roasting. You could get carrying away from such mistakes. Next week napalm, maybe!”

“I said I was sorry.” Miss Carridge’s lower lip was quivering. “There’s no use crying over spilt milk.”

“Not even spilt mother’s milk. You’re getting a point there. And I suppose we are learning from our mistakes. Still, Miss Carridge, don’t you think you should take a look-see in on the roasting? An expert chef I’m not, but I’m guessing she’s done by now.”

“Very well, Doctor.” Miss Carridge was frosty. She crossed over to the furnace and opened the door. The inferno was raging inside.

“How is she doing?” Dr. Kilembrio asked.

“She’s really burned up.”

“Well, pretty angry I’d be myself to come for a scraping and end up a toastie.”

“Toast can be scraped,” Miss Carridge punned.

“Is nice your sense of humor you’re keeping,” Dr. Kilembrio said dryly. “I’m betting you’re a load of fun at a hanging.”

“I’m the life of the earthquake,” she replied coldly. “Now what do you want me to do, Doctor?”

“You should removing what’s left of her and I’m having a look at it.”

“It’s just a big piece of ash,” Miss Carridge commented as she followed instructions.

“So maybe that’s why she got into troubling in the first place.” Dr. Kilembrio bent over Penny’s charred body and examined it. “Ninety percent broiled, and still living she is, but not for long. Some goof, Miss Carridge, you’re making! Well,” he sighed, “what am I expecting from the quality of the help these days?”

“For what you pay, you weren’t expecting Florence Nightingale, were you, Doctor?” Miss Carridge retorted.

“You’re right. When a doctor specializes in scraping, he has to hiring what’s available.”

“If you don’t like my work, fire me! I won’t have any trouble finding another job. There’s a shortage of trained nurses, you know.”

“Sure. You could always going to work at the local crematorium. But bickering we don’t got any more time for. Two situations we got here to think about. A perfectly good body with a holey head, the brains are all leaked out. And an overdone tart is all ashes, but the brain is okay as far as I could see. Both living, but couldn’t stay that way long without I’m operational. Is an interesting situation, no, Miss Carridge? Is once in a living time a doctor finds this. Could even be knocking is opportunity.”

“What do you mean, Doctor?”

“Medical history, it could be there’s a chance of making

“What are you thinking, Doctor?”

“When you’re having a wrecked car with a good engine, and a wrecked engine with a good car, if a mechanic with sense you are, what do you think you’re doing, Miss Carridge?”

“Doctor, why do you have that wild-eyed look?”

“You’re putting together the good car and the good engine, no? Is making sense, no? Is simple logic, no? So, we’re stopping with the analogies already and getting back to our situation and it’s coming up we put the unburned brain in the brainless body.”

“You mean a brain transplant?”

“Why not? With kidneys and corneas and even hearts they’re transplanting like medical Luther Burbanks, so why not a brain?”

“You’re mad!”

“That’s what they said about Dr. Frankenstein.”

“But he really was mad!”

“So a little insanity and in Transylvania they never forgetting him. He’s immortal! Don’t you capish, Miss Carridge? This is adding up to my one chance at medical immortality. The name of Kilembrio is going down in the anals of history as the first sawbones what’s doing a brain transplant. All my living I’m waiting for this moment!”

“You mean the ‘annals’ of history,” Miss Carridge corrected him.

“Anals, annals, what’s the differential? Up yours! Up yours with such follicle splitting at such a moment! All these years I’m shooting shpritz into bunnies in the lab all day ladies should finding out they got a bun in the oven. All these years I’m scraping out a living at night one ear squinting out for the cops. But now! Now is coming my big chance! Now is coming Kilembrio the brain transplanter!”

“Aren’t you forgetting something, Doctor?”

“I’m forgetting what?”

“It’s a female brain and a male body.”

“So? Chauvinistic you’re being, Miss Carridge, and is strictly your hangup. Male, female, it makes no never-mind. A brain is a brain and a body is a body and a choice we ain’t getting. Enough talk already! You’re getting the patients ready for the transplant!” he ordered. “And hurrying before one of them is kicking in the bucket and is too late. Kilembrio the brain transplanter!” Dr. Kilembrio flatulated happily. “No more just a pee-pee analyzer! No more just a moonlighting maidenhead fixer-upper! Kilembrio the brain transplanter!” The breaking of wind resounded like a flourish of triumphant trumpets.

The first human brain transplant in the history of medicine got underway!

CHAPTER FOUR

Penis envy, the Freudian psychologists agree, is inevitable in modern women. Few, however, resolve it quite so successfully as in the case of Penny Candie. Without so much as a trip to Scandinavia, the erstwhile female had acquired a full-grown male body in good working condition and complete with impressive equipment.

The realization of this took the form of a slow dawning. Coming out of the anesthetic, the first thing Penny saw (through the eyes of Pennington P. Potter, of course) was the face of Dr. Kilembrio hovering overhead and admiring his handiwork. Penny looked at him and spoke in a small, husky voice, the deepness of which surprised her.

“It’s over,” Penny said. “You’ve done it. I’m not pregnant anymore. Is that right?”

“If you are with childling,” the doctor reassured her, “then two shockers I have for the medical profession instead of only one. But how much history should you be making in one day only? No, I think I am safely saying that being upknocked is not a problem for you status-wise, in your new status, I’m meaning.”

“I feel very strange,” Penny said.

“Well, a little getting used to it’s taking,” the doctor soothed Penny.

“Are you sure everything went all right? I mean, there weren’t any complications, were there?”

“You couldn’t begin to guess at the complications,” Miss Carridge murmured.

“Everything went even better than South Africa,” Dr. Kilembrio said proudly. “Complications, maybe you got, but you’ll working them out.”

“Why does my voice sound so deep?” Penny wondered.

“Well, it isn’t because you caught a cold,” Miss Carridge told her.

“Be quiet!” the doctor hissed at her. “Breaking it slowly and without no wise-cracking, you hear?” he instructed in a whisper. He turned back to Penny. “Your voice is probably husky from the anesthetic,” he said. “Don’t worry about it.”

“My upper lip itches,” Penny complained. “I feel like my nose is running.”

“It’s your moustache,” Miss Carridge cackled.

“I don’t have a moustache!” Penny snapped back. “I’m very careful to use a depilatory regularly. I’ve never had a moustache!”

“Well, you do now,” the nurse told her. “A great big, black bushy one.”

“Nonsense,” the doctor said kindly. “Here, take a tissue.” He passed Penny a Kleenex.

Penny blew Pennington P. Potter’s nose. “It still feels like there’s something there. You didn’t give me hormones or anything to make me grow hair on my upper lip, did you?”

“No hormones,” Dr. Kilembrio was reassuring.

“Unless she’s been hurt,” Miss Carridge quipped, off and musing in her own sadistic dream-world.

“I don’t feel any stitches there.” Penny was surprised. “It doesn’t hurt at all. But my head aches a little.”

“Wait! Your headaches are just starting,” Miss Carridge opined.

“The headache is soon going away,” Dr. Kilembrio told her. “And the stitches in the groiny parts you shouldn’t worrying about.”

“I’d like to sit up,” Penny said.

“Why not? Miss Carridge, helping the patient should sit up.”

Miss Carridge helped Permy to a sitting position.

“Now my chest itches,” Penny said. “It feels hairy too.” Penny reached under the covering sheet to scratch. “It is hairy! And there’s something missing!” Penny noticed.

“What powers of observation!” Miss Carridge commented.

“Now, don’t be alarmed,” Dr. Kilembrio told Penny.

“Don’t be alarmed? What do you mean don’t be alarmed? Where are my breasts? What have you done with my breasts?” Hands groped frantically under the sheet. “My breasts have been amputated!”

“Not really,” the doctor started to explain. “You see -”

“What do you mean ‘not really’? They’re gone! What kind of sadistic quack are you anyway? I come in here for a simple little abortion and you amputate my breasts. Malpractice!” Penny screeched hysterically. “I’m going to sue you for medical malpractice!”

“Now what do you wanting to make such a big stink over a little titty for?” Dr. Kilembrio was conciliatory.

“Little, my eye! They were my best feature! I was damned proud of those breasts! What right did you have to remove them without even consulting me for permission?”

“Removing them I didn’t--”

“No? Then where are they? Answer me that? What have you done with them? Do you do bosom-swapping operations on the side? Did you go and peddle my bosom to some flat-chested girl? Did you steal my breasts without so much as a thanks for the mammary?” Penny shrieked. “Why did you do it?” This last shouted directly at Dr. Kilembrio.

“In an emergency situation, there was no time to asking permission about a lot of things. Understanding you should have. Whatever I’m doing is the only way to saving your life.”

“Well, you are the doctor,” Penny subsided, although still grumbling. “I suppose I’ve got no choice but to go along with whatever you thought was necessary.”

“Exactly.” Dr. Kilembrio flatulated with relief.

“My bladder feels very full,” Penny said. “I have to go to the bathroom.”

“Here comes the moment of truth,” Miss Carridge said.

“Nurse. Take the patient to the bathroom,” Dr. Kilembrio instructed.

Miss Carridge escorted Permy to a door at the far end of the cellar. When the door had closed behind Penny, the nurse turned and faced Dr. Kilembrio with her fingers stuck significantly in her ears. The precaution was well taken. They hadn’t long to wait. Then Penny’s scream—-more a deep-throated howl, really—resounded and the door burst open.

“What is this?!” Penny stood quivering in the doorway, waving the phallic evidence with one hand as if trying to rip it free from its moorings.

“Well, it isn’t bigger than a breadbox,” Miss Carridge noted.

“What have you done to me?”

“Now just keep calm,” Dr. Kilembrio suggested.

“Calm! Calm! You’ve pulled a reverse Christine on me and you expect me to keep calm! Just what am I supposed to do with this?” Penny shook the offending instrument vigorously.

“Oh, surely you’ll think of something,” Miss Carridge said sweetly.

“Don’t be so rough!” Dr. Kilembrio cautioned. “You’re not used to handling it like most men are. You could hurting yourself if you don’t be more gentling.”

“I don’t care! I don’t want it!”

“Would you like me to cut it off for you?” A gleam came into Miss Carridge’s eyes.

“I’m a woman!” Penny walled. “I was born a Woman! I’ve been a woman all my life! What do I know about being a man?”

“So you’ll be finding out,” the doctor answered. “But not if you don’t stop with the manhandling your manhood that way. Is not a yo-yo you should see how fast you could shaking it.”

“What am I going to do?”

“For a starter,” Miss Carridge interjected, “why not go back into the bathroom and do what you went in there to do in the first place?”

“All this activity is probably making that even more urgent,” the roly-poly medico added.

“You’re right,” Penny admitted, hysteria subsiding momentarily. She went back into the bathroom and closed the door behind her.

“A tinkle is making her feel better,” the doctor said hopefully.

A moment later, his hopes were dashed. Penny came storming out in tears. “There must be something wrong! It doesn’t work right!”

“Really?” The doctor was thoughtful. “What seems to be the troubling?”

“It’s like a hose that goes out of control and sprays every which-way!”

“Get hold of yourself,” Miss Carridge advised.

“When I sit down, it points up,” Penny complained. “Is because of all the shaking you do,” Dr. Kilembrio told her. “You shaking like that so long, and with such energizing, is making for tumescence. Leave alone a little, it’s relaxing. Besides,” he added, “what do you mean you’re sitting down?”

“Well in order to—Well, naturally when I-—Dammit! I always sit down!”

“When you’re a woman, yes. But a man isn’t sitting. This you’ve got to get straight in your mind. A man is tinkling erect.”

“Erect, Doctor?” Miss Carridge wanted to know.

“No. Not erect that way. I’m meaning standing up. Vertical for the tinkle, having a seat for the other.”

“But I’m afraid I’ll miss,” Penny confessed, turning brick-red.

“Well, first you’re raising the toilet seat, no? Is making the target bigger.”

“I never thought of that,” Penny said.

“And then you’re getting a good grip and aiming. Is not so hard when it’s not so hard.”

“Do I use one hand, or both?”

“Is strictly a matter of personal expertise in the long running. Some fellows-in my estimating they’re show-offs-—are tinkling with hands behind the back.”

“Look, Ma, no hands,” Miss Carridge interjected.

“But this I’m not thinking you’re ready for yet,” Dr. Kilembrio continued. “My advice is to start slow and using both hands. Later, when you’re handling better, you could use maybe one only.”

“Which one?” Penny wondered.

“Which one?” The doctor thought about it. “If you’re right-handed, the right hand initialing. Later you’re switching off maybe for the sake of variety. But you’re starting slow.”

“The way it feels now,” Penny confessed, “I’m not sure I’ll be able to start slow. But I’ll do my best!” Penny dived for the bathroom and once again the door was slammed closed.

Dr. Kilembrio and Miss Carridge both cocked their heads to hear with the pragmatic detachment of scientists checking out the first results of an experiment. But whatever they might have heard was drowned out by the loud pounding on the door at the top of the stairs. The banging was accompanied by the high-pitched, hysterical voice of Mrs. Potter.

“Let me in!” she demanded. “I want to see my son! What have you done to my son? Let me in!”

“Might as well letting her in,” Dr. Kilembrio told the nurse with a shrug.

She started up the steps, then stopped and turned around to address the doctor. “Shouldn’t I make some calls first?” she asked. “It would be better to do it before she’s in here. It won’t sound right to have her screaming in the background.”

“Calling? What is the calling? Who?”

“Associated Press, UP, Reuters, the other wire services. Also The New York Times, Der Spiegel, all the important papers. And the Scientific American, the .4.M.A. Journal, the other major medical publications. Your accomplishment is important to the whole world, Doctor. You can’t hide your light under a bushel.”

“The bushwah I’m not lighting just yet, Miss Carridge.”

“Let me in! I demand to see my child! I demand to see my Pennington!” The pounding on the door grew louder.

“I’m learning from all the heart switchers,” Dr. Kilembrio continued. “Is not smart to swap the organs one-two-three and announcing to the world, hey looka me! And then the organ goes pffhhtt! and the switch surgeon is left with egg on his scalpel. Three-four phumphs with the valentine transplants before up they’re coming with a Blaiberg. So publishing prematurely, I’m not.”

“Have you killed him? Have you killed my Pennington? Is he all right? It’s a mother’s right to know!”

“You mean you’re still afraid the body will reject the brain, Doctor?” Miss Carridge asked.

“Let me in!”

“No.” Dr. Kilembrio was thoughtful. “What I’m fearing is that the brain is rejecting the body.”

“A mother’s place is with her child!”

“Have you detected symptoms of that, Doctor?”

“Is seeming to me the female brain is not so euphoric with the male equipping as I’m liking. Is displaying a reluctance not conducive to not rejecting. Psychologically, I‘m worrying. Who could say how neurotic a body is feeling when the brain is rejecting it? Could be more traumatic than a mama or a papa even.”

“Let me in, you fiends! What have you done to my Pennington?”

“I see what you mean, Doctor.”

“Good. So we’re waiting before blabbing about my miracle surgery. You understanding, Miss Carridge?” The nurse nodded. “Then letting the mumsy in now before she’s breaking down the door,” Dr. Kilembrio instructed.

Miss Carridge mounted the stairs and opened the door. Squat and buxom though she was, Mrs. Potter was the epitome of jet-propelled motherhood hurtling into the cellar. It would have been difficult to say whether she most resembled a tigress defending its cub, or a piranha bent on gobbling up its young.

“Where is my Pennington?” Mrs. Potter demanded. “What have you done with my child?”

“She should only know,” Miss Carridge murmured.

Dr. Kilembrio shot his nurse a stern warning look. “Your boy is all right,” he assured the distraught mom. “Right now he is in the johnny making with the shpritz.”

“You mean P. P. is pee-peeing?” Mrs. Potter asked.

“Is tinkling, yes. But what are you calling him?”

“P. P. It’s a nickname. We used to call him that when he was a baby. They’re his initials. For Pennington Percival Potter. Only we shortened them. I mean, we didn’t want to call him P. P. P. because it was too unwieldy. It didn’t seem right hanging out the window when he was playing with the other boys and yelling ‘P. P- P-, if you don’t come up right now, you’re gonna get it!’ So I’d just yell ‘P. P. now!’ And that’s the way it stayed. Two Ps. It seemed less formal.”

“Right about now I’ll bet he’d settle for one,” Miss Carridge muttered.

“Problems it’s giving him, no?” Dr. Kilenibrio mused. “With his peer group is what I’m meaning. As an adolescent, being called P. P. is making for very complex inferiority feelings.”

“You’re so right, Doctor.” Mrs. Potter sighed. I thought it was cute, but Pennington threw tantrums When I called him P. P. So we had to find another nickname for him.”

“Plop-Plop!” Miss Carridge snapped her fingers. “Right?”

“Certainly not!” Mrs. Potter was indignant. “What of insensitive mother do you think I am? No, what we started calling him then was Penny-—short for Pennington, you know-—and the name stuck. That’s what we call him today. Penny.”

“The lowest monetary denomination,” Dr. Kilembrio pointed out. “Is not doing much for his self-image-ing. One stinking cent.”

“I brought him up to always use a deodorant!” Mrs. Potter protested. “Penny never offends!”

“Did you say ‘Penny’?” Miss Carridge asked.

“That’s correct.”

“Doctor.” Miss Carridge addressed Kilembrio. “That was the first name of the young lady who became so— umm—overheated before. Penny. Isn’t that a coincidence?”

“Is a most fortunate coincidence, Nurse. Is the kind from coincidence is solving the identity problem. Avoiding confusion any more than is already there from the switching. Most fortunate. Psychologically considering -”

The doctor was interrupted by the emergence of Penny from the lavatory. Tears of frustration streamed down both cheeks. “It’s no good! I can’t get the hang of it! Every time I start my aim is off and I have to stop or else get it all over the walls and ceiling.”

“Our aim is to keep this place clean; your aim will help,” Miss Carridge chided.

Mrs. Potter grasped the situation immediately. She also grasped the cause.

“What are you doing?” Penny was outraged.

“Don’t worry, my child.” Mrs. Potter stroked soothingly. “The shock of what you’ve been through has doubtless made you forget everything I taught you as a little boy. But it’s all right. Don’t be embarrassed. I’ll hold it for you while you tinkle.”

“Better maybe I should be holding,” Dr. Kilembrio suggested. “Since we’re both being male—”

“No!” Penny was shocked at the idea.

“Why not?” the doctor asked.

“You’re a man! That’s why! Just because you’re a man! I‘ve never gone to the bathroom with a man before and I don’t intend to start now!”

“But now you’re a masculine yourself,” the doctor pointed out.

“I don’t care!” Penny was half-hysterical.

“He wants his mommy to hold him.” Mrs. Potter’s eyes shone with motherly zeal. “Just like when he was a baby, I was the only one he’d let put him on the potty. He wants his mommy.” She led Penny by the appendage toward the lavatory. “Come along, Mama’s little darling,” she cooed. “Mama will show you how.”

“Well, nobody could accuse her of too early toilet training,” Miss Carridge observed.

Thus began Penny’s first experience with the waste eliminations of manhood. Thus Penny began to learn what it would be like to be a male in what was increasingly becoming a woman’s world. Thus Mom-ism took over Penny’s education to the facts of masculine life.

“Mama will hold it and show you how, and soon you’ll be able to do it all by yourself,” Mrs. Potter crooned. “And what is more,” she added, “you’ll be a man, my son …"

CHAPTER FIVE

Today l am a man...

It was the first, overwhelming thought Penny had upon awakening the next morning in the bed of Pennington P. Potter. Yes, the awakening marked the beginning of Penny’s first day as a man. But what did it mean? What did it mean to be a man?

Do you find it hard getting up in the morning?

It was a phrase the boys used and the girls tittered over when Penny was an adolescent. Back then Penny hadn’t really understood what it meant. Even after Penny grew up the meaning was still hazy.

Do you find it hard getting up in the morning?

Penny did. Now, this fateful morning, for the first time, Penny understood what those teen-age boys had meant. But Penny had no idea what to do about it. It was part of the bigger question: what did it mean to be a man?

By way of finding an answer, Penny went into the bathroom, stripped off Pennington P. Potter’s pajamas, stood nude in front of the full-length mirror and studied the masculine image reflected there. The face that stared back at Penny was pleasant without being handsome, rugged rather than hard, youngish and faintly etched with laugh-lines. Short, curly brown hair lay flat over a forehead that was just a trifle on the broad side. Deep-set blue eyes peered out over a nose that was generous, but neatly shaped. The cheekbones were high, the jaw well-defined, square-cut and cleft. Two dimples pinked either side of a full moustache that had grown in much darker than the hair on the head. At first glance the moustache looked black; actually, it was a very deep shade of brown.

Penny’s eyes traveled downward. Broad shoulders, a deep chest tapering to a narrow waist and flat hips, well-developed muscles—particularly the biceps-—a hard stomach, no rear end to speak of, strong, manly legs, a matting of hair on the legs and on the chest too-—such was the image of Penny’s new body. And there, right in the middle of it, distressingly perpendicular, stubbornly tumescent, was the undeniable hallmark of Penny’s new role.

Penny stared at it with distaste and willed it to relax. But all of Penny’s strained concentration was to no avail. It continued to point impudently toward the ceiling like some oversized finger giving the age-old gesture of supreme insult.

A cold shower! Hazily, Penny remembered having heard somewhere that a cold shower might cure the condition. So Penny stepped into the shower stall and turned on the cold water. Some ten minutes later Penny emerged shivering and surveyed the result. It had worked. It was placid and flaccid now. Penny nodded, satisfied at having coped with the first of the problems of being a man.

Penny got dressed. It felt strange putting on a man’s clothes for the first time. The idea made Penny giggle. The giggle was cut short when the shirttail was tucked into the pants and Penny thoughtlessly yanked up the zipper of the trousers.

“IIIYYEEEOWOOOOHHHH!”

With that one gesture Penny had almost undone all of Dr. Kilembrio’s hard work. Limp as it was, the proof of manhood still constituted a snag in the upward progress of the zipper. The agony was indescribable.

Holding the injured member tenderly in both hands, head thrown back, Penny hayed at the ceiling like a werewolf with a sore fang, hurling imprecations at a halo’d moon. Like that tooth-ache-y werewolf, Penny ran around in circles, howling with pain. What did it mean to be a man? This was one of the things it meant and the lesson was a bitter one. It brought home to Penny the necessity of genital caution.

Finally the pain subsided. Shaken, Penny resumed dressing. Everything tucked away neatly—if a bit sorely--the next item of apparel to be coped with was a necktie. Once the shirt collar had been raised and the cravat positioned neck-wise, Penny’s fingers moved with the finesse of a woman-oriented brain conditioned to knitting. Agile though the movements were, the result looked more like a Christmas package bow than the Windsor knot which was intended.

Penny ripped the knot out and started over again. This time the tie reached to the groin and the short end immediately slipped out, unraveling the knot. A third attempt left the under-part looking like a length of rope and the top side short.

Penny had learned something about the pain of manhood and now came this introduction to its frustrations. It was a side of the coin that Betty Friedan had never considered. Penny reacted the same as any other red-blooded American man would have under the same circumstances. The necktie was flung to the floor and Penny stomped on it with both feet.

Bending down to pick up the cravat, Penny spied the white sheet of paper with the writing on it. The paper was lying behind the bureau where it had fallen, propelled by a stray gust of air, some time after Pennington P. Potter had propped it up on top of the dresser. A brief perusal told Penny it was a suicide note:

To those it most concerns—

I’rn killing myself because of what I’ve done. I can’t face the consequences! But I couldn’t help doing it. It’s not my fault. I had to do it—-for her! She is really the one responsible for my despicable actions -- and for my death! I name no names. She knows who she is! My death is on her head. May she fry in Hell.

Very truly yours,

Pennington P. Potter

Penny puzzled over the note. It raised two questions. Who was the “she” responsible? And just exactly what was it that Pennington P. Potter had done that was so despicable as to drive him to suicide? If Penny was to inhabit his body, the questions were crucial to the future.

However, at the moment, Penny couldn’t even begin to guess at the answers. The note was laid aside—for the moment Penny decided against showing it to anybody else and shoved it under a pile of shirts in the top drawer of the bureau~—and the battle with the cravat resumed. This resulted in muttered oaths turning to loudly voiced curses which finally attracted Mrs. Potter to her son’s room.

“How dare you use such language?” she demanded. “Don’t you have any respect for me? I’m a very sensitive woman.”

“Sorry,” Penny muttered. “It’s this damn tie!”

“Whatever is the matter?”

“I can’t get the blankety—blank thing right.”

“Well, let Mother do it, dear. You don’t have to use language like that. All you have to do is ask Mumsy to help.”

Mrs. Potter crossed to Penny and took an end of the tie in each hand. Before tying it, however, she stretched upward to bestow a morning kiss on Penny’s cheek. “My goodness!” she exclaimed. “You didn’t shave!”

“I guess I forgot.”

“Well, you just take off your shirt and march yourself into the bathroom and shave right now, young man! The very idea! Starting the day unshaven like one of those hippies or something!”

Meekly, Penny complied. The compliance was more a matter of getting away from the high whine of Mrs. Potter’s voice than of agreement with her. Nevertheless, Penny faced the prospect of shaving for the very first time.

Penny read the instructions on the container of shaving cream very carefully: “1) Wash face with soap and warm water. 2) Dry face. 3) Wash face with soap and warm water and LEAVE FACE WET AND SOAPY. 4) Shake can. 5) Hold can firmly in a vertical position. 6) Remove cap. 7) Press top to release lather. 8) Spread lather evenly over surface to be shaved. 9) Shave.”

Penny performed instructions 1, 2 and 3 one-two-three. Number 4, however, gave her pause. “Shake can.” Penny thought about it for a long moment, finally shrugged and wriggled Pennington P. Potter’s rear end. Penny figured it had something to do with circulation, driving the blood to the face so the surface would take the shave better or something. The next instruction was even more confusing, but Penny followed it anyway, carefully holding Pennington’s derriere “firmly in a vertical position.”

Instruction number 6 was too much altogether. “Remove cap?” How was that possible when Penny wasn’t wearing one? Why should anybody put a cap on their head to shave anyway? Penny decided to simply ignore it.

The next one, however, couldn’t be ignored. Besides, it seemed simple enough. “Press top to release lather.” Penny pressed the top. Nothing happened. Again. Still nothing. A third time. Results nil. Penny thought about it and finally it percolated. Making the connection between 6 and 7, Penny managed to “release lather.” Two big gobs of it landed in each of Pennington P. Potter’s pearly blue eyes.

Penny figured out that the best thing was to shoot the pressurized goo into the palm of the hand and smear it “evenly over surface to be shaved.” Now the novice shaver was ready to comply with the last instruction: “Shave.” Penny found the injector razor in the medicine cabinet, took a firrn grip on it and pulled it over the lathered cheeks.

The mentholated whipped cream came off—-but that was all. Pressing harder didn’t help either. Cheeks red from being scraped shone through the stubble, but the stubble itself remained. It was still there five minutes later after all the lather had been removed.

Only then did Penny think to examine the razor. The examination revealed one highly pertinent fact. There was no blade.

The injector cartridge of blades turned up behind several bottles of nose drops way in the rear of the medicine cabinet. It took twenty minutes to find it. “It’s easy to see why he didn’t slash his wrists,” Penny grumbled, ejecting a blade from the cartridge.

The blade flew out, skidded over the surface of the sink and lodged in the drain. Permy tried to extricate it, but it was stuck firmly. Wedging a finger under the blade for leverage didn’t loosen it either. But it did result in slicing a chunk out of the finger.

“A helluva place to cut yourself shaving,” Penny mused, searching through the clutter of the medicine cabinet for a Band-aid. The first Band-aid was stuck fast and Penny was unable to separate it. The second one came apart easily, but wouldn’t adhere to the surface of the skin. The third one adhered—too well. The gauze part was gooey with glue which clotted the wound nicely.

Penny decided the blade stuck in the drain was the plumber’s problem. A second blade was inserted properly in the razor. Penny relathered and was ready to shave.

“OUCH!”

The first upward stroke felt like the face-hairs were being pulled out with a tweezers. Penny tried drawing the razor downward. That was better. Stubble came off with the shaving cream and adhered to the edge of the blade.

After that it was duck soup—until Penny came to the problem of trimming the moustache. One end was just a trifle longer than the other. It was aesthetically disturbing. What could be more natural than to try to even it up? Carefully, Penny trimmed the offending end.

Not carefully enough. Just a trifle too much off. Now the other end was a wee bit too long for the sake of balance. Penny evened it up.

The only trouble was that between the extra hairs and the rest of the moustache there was a bare patch of about an eighth of an inch. So now it was the other side that was an eighth of an inch too long. Simple. Just trim the first side again.

Being a perfectionist, it was a while before Penny got the two sides even enough for her satisfaction. The result, looking back from the mirror, was a little disconcerting. There were two perfectly symmetrical smudges about the width of a black crayon line, one under each nostril. The hell with it, Penny decided, and shaved the upper lip clean.

Annoyance had made Penny careless. The small razor snagged just inside one nostril. Pennington P. Po-tter’s nose began to bleed. It was at this moment that Mrs. Potter, who had been wondering what was taking her son so long, entered the bathroom to investigate.

“Blood!” She groped for her heart under one flabby breast. “Pennington. What have you done to yourself?”

“I’b god a dosebleed.” Penny explained the obvious.

“I’ll call a doctor!”

“Don’t be silly. I jusd cud byself shavig. Id’ll stob id a midute.”

“Hold your head back. Put a cold cloth on the back of your neck. Apply pressure to your upper lip. Change your underwear!”

“Chadge by uddewvear?” Penny was trying to comply with the first three instructions, but the fourth one was a puzzler.

“If I didn’t remind you, you’d never remember.”

“What does by udderwear hab to do width by dosebleed?”

“Everything. Suppose it’s really serious and we have to call an ambulance and you have to go to the hospital. The first thing they’d do is make you take off your clothes. How would you feel with dirty underwear? And think of me. Think of how I’d feel. I’d be mortified! That’s how I’d feel!”

“I’b dot goidg to ady hosbidal. Id’s stoppig. See?” Penny straightened up and demonstrated that the flow of blood had slowed to a mere trickle. A small piece of toilet paper tamped into the nostril stopped the bleeding altogether.

“No son of mine is going to walk around in public all day with toilet paper hanging out of his nose!” Mrs. Potter declared firmly.

“Id’s oddy udtil id ooagulades. I’ll take id oud before I leab.”

Penny went back into the bedroom and put on a shirt. Mrs. Potter followed. “I’ll tie your tie for you, dear,” she offered.

“All ride.” Penny removed the toilet paper from the nostril and sniffed deeply. “That’s much better.”

Mrs. Potter knotted the cravat deftly. “There we are.” She patted the result. “Mother fixed.” Then, as an afterthought—“P. P. wee-wee?”

“Make up your mind which euphemism you’re going to use and stick to it,” Penny suggested.

“Don’t you be fresh with me, Pennington! I’m only trying to save you from being embarrassed later. You mow what will happen? People will say ‘Shame-shame!’ They’ll say ‘Shame-shame on P. P.!’ ”

“I went to the bathroom,” Penny said wearily.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure! I’m sure, dammit!”

“Don’t curse. I don’t know where you pick up such language. Probably from that floozy Sonia you spend so much time with you can’t find time to come home to your mother.”

“Sonia?”

“Don’t play innocent with me! You know very well who I mean! That Village tramp!”

“Oh . . . Sure . . .”

“I didn’t bring you up that way, to use profane language. You never heard such words in this house. But I know when you started to change. Don’t think I don’t know. It was when you married that no-good Brandy!”

“I’m married!” There was wonder in Penny’s voice. The idea had all sorts of implications. Marriage meant a wife and a wife meant sex. Penny wondered how one went about making love to someone rather than having someone make love to you. Penny’s shaky manhood was all the more shaky at the idea.

“Of course you were married. But now you’re divorced. What’s the matter? Don’t you remember? Have you got amnesia? That’s it! Amnesia! That lousy quack went and gave you amnesia! I’ll sue him for malpractice!”

“I’ve got a better suit than that brewing,” Penny muttered. There was a sense of relief at knowing that the marriage was past tense. “Shouldn’t I be getting to work?” Penny wondered.

“Why? So you can curse to your heart’s content, I suppose. Sneaky! That’s what you are! You just want to curse where Mother can’t hear you! But God can hear you! Remember that! And He can see you too. Remember that when you’re kanoodling with that Miss Hodgkiss behind the water cooler or wherever you’re kanoodling!”

“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” Penny had had about enough of Mrs. Potter.

“There! He cursed again!” Mrs. Potter raised her eyes heavenward. “Did you hear him? All right! Take your foul mouth out of here! Go to work!”

“All right.” Penny started out and then stopped. “There’s only one trouble. I just can’t seem to remember where I work. Could you give me the address?”

“Amnesia! I knew it! My poor boy! Come here and let me comfort you!”

Penny backed off. “Why don’t you just cut that crap out and give me the name and address?”

“Again! Cursing again! All right!” Mrs. Potter told Penny the name and address. “Now go to work! Curse your head off! I’m your mother, but I just don’t care anymore! What have you got to say to that?”

“Fuck you!” Penny said distinctly and slammed the door. “Fuck you!”

CHAPTER SIX

Wails of shocked hysteria followed Penny down the stairs. They translated into protestations that Pennington P. Potter had never in his whole life spoken to his mother like that before. Nor was Penny accustomed to using such language to parents.

But there are limits. Penny had reached them with Mrs. Potter’s nagging. Still, once annoyance abated, there was a feeling of guilt.

This guilt rode the subway with Penny and mingled with the welter of other feelings stemming from the body-switch. The world awaited and Penny couldn’t help feeling trepidation at the prospect of facing it as a man for the first time. Small things marked the difference at first, but they were jarring.

The subway, for instance: As a girl—and an attractive girl to boot -- Penny was used to men standing aside when the car doors opened to allow her to board the train first. Men stepped back so that Penny might take the empty seat if there was one. If there wasn’t, quite often a man would rise and offer Penny his seat. A weary, questioning smile on Penny’s part almost always served to call forth such an offer. This was the sort of subway treatment an attractive girl took for granted.

Today was different — and traumatic. When the train pulled in the man beside Penny turned into a centipede of elbows and knees. Crunch! Penny’s foot was stepped on hard. Thwack! An elbow to the ribs. Hap! A shoulder snapped Penny’s head back. It was all done with the practiced skill of a lineman taking out the opposing tackle. By the time Penny recovered, the opposition had scored its goal and was firmly ensconced in the only available seat in the car.

Haughtily, with a withering 1ook——answered by a self satisfied smirk on the part of the man in the seat-—Penny marched past and kept going all the way to the other end of the car. There was a pleasant, mild-looking man seated there. He was just the kind of man who ordinarily would have offered Penny his seat. He glanced up; their eyes met; he returned his attention to his newspaper. There wasn’t even a glimmering of the expected sacrifice in his eyes.

Penny waited. After a while the man became aware of the eyes focused on him. It made him uneasy. He glanced up again. Body slumping wearily, Penny shot him a dazzling, questioning smile. The man started, looked to either side, shrugged and went back to his newspaper.

From habit, Penny persisted. Automatically, weight was shifted from one leg to the other and back again, a sequence of movements which made the hips roll in an extremely feminine manner. Now other people were looking up at the young fellow with the increasingly effeminate bearing. Eyebrows were raised and looks were exchanged. Not noticing, Penny continued trying to sway the seated man to relinquish his seat.

The train pulled in at the next station. Among those who boarded was an attractive girl who elected to stand just behind Penny. The girl latched onto a strap, slumped wearily and waited. Ill-at-ease, surreptitiously, the seated man looked up to see if that swishy fellow was still rolling his hips at him. His eyes met those of the strap-hanging girl. She shot him a sad, questioning smile. Her ample body wriggled insinuatingly as she switched hands on the strap.

The man fell all over himself folding his newspaper, tipping his hat and getting out of his seat. Penny, not having seen the girl, jumped to the wrong conclusion and moved in to fill the vacancy. The girl shot the man a surprised and injured look and he leaped to her defense.

“Move off, buddy,” he snarled at Penny.

“Huh?” Penny didn’t understand and kept trying to edge past to get to the seat.

“Of all the nerve!” The girl spoke up.

“Dese fruits is really takin’ over!” A tough-looking man across the aisle put in his two cents. “Whyncha belt ’im one?”

Encouraged, the meek-looking man put the flat of his hand against Penny’s chest and pushed. “I got up to give my seat to the lady, buddy. Now why don’t you just tiptoe away and let her have it?”

A sudden realization of the situation turned Penny’s cheeks red. Unfortunately, it also made Penny’s voice rise shrilly. “I’m sorry. I thought you were offering me the seat. I didn’t see—”

“I was reading in Good Housekeeping the other day where the feminization of the American male is assuming the dimensions of a national problem worse even than riots,” a lady standing nearby said loudly and pointedly to her companion.

“I can certainly believe it,” the other lady replied. “Why, it’s getting so bad you even trip all over them in the subways!” She shot Penny an openly hostile glance.

Just then the train pulled into the next station and the doors opened. Brick-red, feeling the stares like darts piercing flesh, Penny dived out of the car. A slender young man followed close behind.

“They just won’t let us live, will they, sweetie?” The slender young man’s voice was a murmur in Penny’s ear as the train pulled out.

“Huh? What did you say?” Penny was still flustered.

“I saw the way they treated you and it’s a damn shame. They have no sensitivity, none of them. And no tolerance either. But our day is coming. And soon too. But we have to stick together to make it come.” He tittered. “Oh, aren’t these double entendres just awful, sweetie? Well, anyway, in unity there is strength. So, if you’re interested—” He handed Penny a leaflet.

“What’s this?”

“Read it.”

Penny read it. “Homosexuals of the World, Unite! You Have Nothing to Lose But Your Chinos!” it announced in heavy black type. Beneath these words, in smaller type, was a notice of a meeting to be held that evening.

“Do come, sweetie,” the young man urged Penny.

“Uh . . . I don’t know.”

“Well, I could be more convincing.” The young man patted Penny’s behind lingeringly and moved off toward the entrance to the subway men’s room. “Want to see for yourself?” he cooed.

Head shaking a violent “no,” Penny bolted toward the opening doors of the train which had just arrived at the platform. The last Penny saw of the young man was a wistful glance as the doors closed again. The rest of the ride was uneventful.

Still, it was with a sense of relief that Penny entered the premises of the Fuller Lawn Manure Co., crossed to the door marked “COMPTROLLER” and closed it to insure privacy. The incident on the subway had been jarring. Once alone, Penny was struck by the realization that jarring incidents affected male kidneys. Once again Penny faced the trauma of the bathroom. Only this time there was no Mrs. Potter to take things in hand.

Well, it had to be faced up to alone sooner or later. Head held high, Penny sailed out the door and down the hall—to the ladies’ room!

Hell, when you’ve been going into ladies’ rooms all your life, the question of choice simply never arises. It was as natural for Penny to go into the ladies’ room under such circumstances as it would have been for LBJ to go through the door marked “HAWKS.” Gender, like they say backstage at the Jewel Box Revue, is a state of mind. So Penny sailed into the ladies’ room. . . .

“YIII!” The female scream bounced off the tile walls at the sight of Penny. Then it died out as Clytemnestra Hodgkiss raised her eyes from the unexpected sight of male trousers invading the sacrosanct premises and focused on the startled face above them. “Penny! What are you doing here? I mean, the stockroom is one thing, but this is something else again. Suppose one of the other girls comes in and finds you here! How could we ever explain it?”

“It would be difficult, huh?” Penny hazarded a guess.

“This is the ladies’ room!” Clytemnestra punctuated her point.

“Well, naturally.” Penny was still confused at the blonde girl’s reaction.

“You are really too impetuous.” Clytemnestra raised her skirt demurely and smoothed a stocking the length of one shapely leg. “But as long as you’re here anyway . . .” The fleshiness of her thigh quivered slightly and her blue eyes sparkled invitingly behind her rimless glasses.

“Yes. Well . . . That’s what I came for.” Penny started for one of the booths.

Clytemnestra misinterpreted the movement and took a few steps to meet Penny halfway. The maneuver blocked Penny’s way. Clytemnestra’s small, high breasts poked impertinently against Penny’s chest and her warm breath was like an erotic breeze tantalizing Penny’s nostrils. “Well?” she murmured. “Aren’t you going to kiss me?”

“I’m really in a hurry.” Penny was positively dizzy now. “I really came in to-—”

“You can’t be in that much of a hurry. You never are.” Clytemnestra wrapped her arms around Penny’s neck and delivered a long, deep kiss.

It was at this point, during the prolonged osculation, that Penny noted certain things about masculine plumbing. For one thing, as the kiss raised the temperature, the urgency which had led Penny to the ladies’ room waned rapidly. For another, a quite different feeling of physical pressure replaced it. The feelings were identically localized, both resulted in a certain tumescence, but where the first had urged Penny to a solitary and strictly functional release, the second seemed more tandem-directed. True, it might have been relieved solitarily, but with Clytemnestra so extremely available, duality felt much more natural.

“My goodness!” Clytemnestra rasped. “The way you’re hanging onto me, you’d think you never made love to a woman before.”

“I never have,” Penny told her, both hands grasping C1ytemnestra’s buttocks and squeezing so that the girl was forced to grind her body against Penny’s. It seemed to relieve the feeling-—and then again it didn’t. It was like trying to scratch an itch and the more you scratch, the more you itch. Add one more fact to Penny’s lore concerning what it meant to be a man.

“This is crazy!” Clytemnestra’s actions belied her protestations. “Suppose one of the girls comes in and catches us?” Her sharp little teeth assaulted Penny’s earlobe. “It would be an office scandal!” Her nails dug into Penny’s hand and forced it under her blouse and beneath the tight bra until it palmed the burning nipple of her upthrust left breast. “Mr. Fuller would be furious!” she panted, her hands dropping now to tug at the zipper of Penny’s pants. Her fleshy thighs were rigid now, her long legs spaced wide apart, small, trim derriere clenched tight and arching to press her quivering womanhood against the throbbing target the zipper had freed. “He’d fire both of us,” she moaned, her hands tugging at her ample hips to hike up the tight skirt stretched across them. “Hurry up! Before we get caught!” Clytemnestra pushed her panties down and leaned against the wall, arching her back. Her usually tightly coiffed blond hair was in disarray now. Her eyes were wild and uncaring. The blond triangle of nether curls she had bared was pulsating with desire. She grasped Penny with both hands. The small straining red arrow of her passion pointed the way through the golden down to the tight sheath waiting for the dagger to be plunged. Then, in one quick, convulsive motion, she buried Penny’s dagger to the hilt.

Penny was inexperienced, but an eager follower in the vertical contortions which followed. When Clytemnestra gave a little jump and locked her knees around Penny’s hips, Penny automatically grasped her buttocks to support her. Clytemnestra, hands clasped around Penny’s neck, writhed with such urgency that Penny was propelled across the lavatory and up against the opposite wall. Braced there, Penny thrust back and Clytemnestra squealed ecstatically. A few moments of this and then the passion of both broke simultaneously with a force that sent them spinning around for a long, dizzying moment and finally dropped them to the floor where they prolonged the contact to the last thrilling tremor.

Finally they broke apart and lay there struggling to get their breath. Clytemnestra was the first to recover. “That was the wildest! Absolutely the wildest!” she exulted—“I feel just great! How do you feel?”

“I feel like a new man!” Penny said truthfully and accurately.

“You look like a new man too. I don’t know what it is, but-—” Clytemnestra snapped her fingers. “It’s your moustache! It’s gone! You shaved it off!”

“Yes.”

“Isn’t that amazing? I didn’t even notice it until just now.”

“Well, you were busy. You had your mind on other things.”

“I sure did!” Clytemnestra giggled. “Why did you shave it off?”

“Just a slip of the wrist.”

“Well,” she looked at him archly, “it sure has made a difference.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s made you more aggressive. I mean, sure, you’ve made passes before, but you never--I mean, you practically raped me.”

“I did no such thing!” Penny was indignant. After all Penny had been a woman long enough to know a typical bit of feminine buckpassing when it was attempted. “If anything, it was the other way around. You seduced me.”

“That’s not very gentlemanly,” Clytemnestra sniffed.

“But it’s the truth. I just came in here to go to the bathroom, and you--”

“Oh, come on now!” Clytemnestra was indignant. “Why would you use the ladies’ john? You came in here because you knew I was here. You got in late, so you missed me in the stockroom. I don’t mind, but don’t pretend you didn’t come in here to make love to me!”

“That’s ridiculous! Why would I go into the ladies’ room to do a thing like that?”

“Why would you go into the ladies’ room at all?” Clytemnestra countered. “The way I see it, you just made up your mind to go all the way. After all, we never did it before. So what other explanation is there?”

“Call it fate.” Penny sighed. It was all getting to be too much.

“What kind of an answer—” Clytemnestra broke off at the sound of the handle being turned to the door of the ladies’ room. “Ohmigod!” she hissed. “We can’t let them find us here Come on! Quick!” She dragged Penny into one of the stalls and bolted the door behind them. “Stand up on the seat and bend over,” she instructed, whispering urgently.

“Huh? Why?”

“Those men’s shoes would be a dead giveaway. This way they won’t be able to see you over the top of the stall or under the bottom. Hurry up!” When Penny had complied, Clytemnestra sat on the seat between Penny’s legs and gripped them. “Shh!” she cautioned as the door of the ladies’ room squeaked shut.

“Here, Shirley, try to sit down.” The girl’s voice, solicitous.

“Oh, I could die! I could just die!” A second female voice, higher-pitched and sobbing. “All those people! Strangers! Detectives! Policemen! Marilyn, I could just die!”

“There, there, Shirley, get hold of yourself. With all the excitement, I don’t think anybody really noticed.”

“Not notice! How could they not notice‘? Oh! I’ve never been so mortified in my entire life!”

“You’re just embarrassed is all it is, Shirley. Now just try to get your perspective back. You’ll feel better once you can see the humor of the situation.”

“Humor! Oh, Marilyn, how can you say such a thing? There’s nothing humorous about it!”

“Oh, I don’t know.” Marilyn stifled a giggle. “If you could have seen yourself stretched out there on those bags of fertilizer with your girdle wrapped around your knees, trying to get up and falling over-well, I don’t want to be unkind, but there was something funny about it, Shirley. Now tell me how it happened.” Curiosity showed through the soothing tone.

“Marilyn, you’re my very best friend in the whole office, so if I tell you, you’ve got to promise -”

“My lips will be sealed as tightly as a vacuum-packed sack of Fuller fertilizer. Now come on, Shirley. You can trust me. Tell me what happened, already.”

“Well, Marilyn,” Shirley confessed in a very low voice, “the truth is I had this assignation in the storeroom.”

“In the storeroom? Where they keep the samples of shi—fertilizer? How could you, Shirley?”

“It’s not as bad as it sounds. We’re secretly engaged.”

“From the way that fertilizer smells, you won’t keep that secret long. You might as well make love on the floor of the john.”

“Don’t knock it if you haven’t tried it,” Clytemnestra hissed to Penny.

“My nose is starting to bleed,” Penny noticed. “I should throw my head back.”

“Well, you can’t. So just forget about it. It’s probably just psychosomatic anyway.”

“No, it’s not. I cut it shaving.”

“Your nose? How could you cut your nose shaving?”

“Just inexperienced, I guess.”

“Shh! They’ll hear you. Look, I’ll hold my finger under it and maybe that will help. Now just shush!”

“Marilyn, I don’t like your attitude. I don’t think I’m going to confide in you anymore.”

“Don’t be ridic, Shirley. Who else can you tell if not your best friend in the whole office. And how can I help you cook up a story to explain being caught with your girdle down by half the New York City Police Department if you don’t tell me how it happened. Now then, just who was this assignation with? Who’s the fella you’re secretly engaged to?”

“You promise not to tell, Marilyn?”

“I promise. I promise.”

“All right.” Shirley took a deep breath. “My affianced is none other than Mr. A. K. Fuller himself.” There was a note of pride in Shirley’s voice.

“The boss?” Marilyn sounded stunned.

Focusing upside-down eyes, Penny stared into the suddenly gnashing teeth of Clyternnestra.

“The boss.” Despite everything, Shirley sounded smug. “That sonofabitch!” Marilyn snarled.

“What’s the matter?”

“Didn’t you say you were secretly engaged to him?”

“That’s right.”

“And you have assignations with him in the storeroom?”

“Well . . . yes.” Shirley sounded puzzled at Marilyn’s attitude.

“I’ve got a flash for you, Shirl. You’ve been had.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean we’ve both been had. You see, Shirl, I’m secretly engaged to Mr. A. K. Fuller too, and we’ve been having assignations in his office during lunch hour.”

Penny wondered if vision was playing tricks. Could that actually be foam on Clytemnestra’s lips?

“In his office!” Shirley was enraged. “And he made me meet him in the storeroom with all that crap!”

“Well, at least you made it during working hours. I didn’t even get any time off,” Marilyn reminded her. “I haven’t eaten lunch in six weeks!”

Even upside-down Clytemnestra’s face resembled a lioness about to explode from an overdose of hashish. The fingers which had been stemming Penny’s nosebleed were now twisting the nose viciously. In vain Penny tried to pull away.

“What’s the matter?” Tears of pain blurred Penny’s vision. “What’s wrong?”

“That lousy bastard!” Clytemnestra spat. “I was supposed to be secretly engaged to him. We were making it in the broom closet every day during the four o’clock coffee break!”

“How does he get away with it?” Penny wondered in a whisper.

“He’s Fuller fertilizer! That’s how! Fuller fertilizer! He’s fulla crap! That’s what he is!” Clytemnestra fumed.

“But how could he keep it up? Three girls . . . Every day . . .”

“It must be all the fertilizer he eats!” Clytemnestra hissed bitterly. “Him and that fertilizer-eating grin of his! And when I think of how guilty I used to feel because of that bit of hanky-panky you and I had behind the water cooler!”

“Not to mention today,” Penny reminded her. “People in glass lavatories shouldn’t throw stones.”

“What gets me is that I’m his secretary!” Clytemnestra waved the reminder away. “And me he took to the broom closet while that bitch at least had the comfort of the couch in his office. I’m his secretary! I should have had the couch and he should have taken her to the broom closet.”

“But then you wouldn’t have become so adept at the vertical position,” Penny suggested.

“Ahh, shut up! You men are all alike!”

“That’s what you think,” Penny said a bit ruefully.

“Shush! I want to hear what they’re saying now.”

“. . . still don’t understand how you ended up with your girdle down in front of a bunch of cops.” Marilyn’s voice.

“What happened was he took me into the storeroom as usual,” Shirley explained. “He pulled my girdle down and my dress up and he was just about to—-you know-—when somebody started calling his name from outside. He whispered to me to keep quiet and lie still and he went outside to head them off before they could come into the storeroom and maybe find us there. The sonofabitch! I couldn’t have done anything but lie quiet even if I wanted to-—-not the way he had that girdle pulled down so my legs were pinned. And do you know what he did? Do you know what he did?” Shirley’s voice rose hysterically.

“No. What?”

“He actually threw some sacks of fertilizer over me so if anybody stuck their head in the storeroom they wouldn’t see me there! That’s what he did!”

“Oh, my! That’s awful! At least I had the couch!” Marilyn sounded just a little smug.

Clytemnestra gave Penny’s nose a particularly savage twist.

“Anyway,” Shirley continued, “after a while he came back, and that’s when he told me about Potter, the Comptroller, and the robbery. He was sure it was Potter because Potter was the only one besides him with the combination to the safe. He was puzzled about why Potter only took the ten thousand and left the rest though. He said he’d called the cops, and I’d better get back into my girdle. I was trying to explain to him how he’d have to help me when suddenly he snaps his fingers and says something about how he forgot and left the safe open. And he throws the fertilizer sacks back over me and runs out again. But I guess he never got back to lock the safe. It was only a minute or two when I hear all kinds of noise from outside and I realize the cops are there. I’ll say this for A. K. Fuller: he tried to keep them out of the storeroom. But they just brushed right past him and the next thing I knew they were all around me with their jaws hanging open and me trying to pull back into the girdle and not able even to walk away until you came along to help me, Marilyn. It was awful!” Shirley started sniffling again. “What am I going to say? How can I explain?”

“Tell them you had an itch and you had to get your girdle off to scratch it,” Marilyn suggested.

“But that’s so unfeminine!”

“What choice have you got? Either you’re an unfeminine ass-scratcher, or you’re pegged the office roundheels. Which is it going to be?”

“All right. I’ll say I went into the storeroom to scratch. All I hope is that A. K. Fuller at least worries it’s venereal.”

“That’s the ticket. Chin up, Shirley. Now let’s march out of here and face the fuzz!” The door to the ladies’ room squeaked shut behind them.

“Will you please let go of my nose now!” Penny pleaded.

“I’m sorry, darling.” Clytemnestra looked at him with her eyes brimming. “What’s the matter?” she asked solicitously.

“A crick in my back. I can’t straighten up. I may never straighten up again. I’ll have to go through life in the shape of a permanent question-mark.”

“There’s no question in my mind.” Clytemnestra helped him lovingly. “You did it for me.”

“Did what for you?”

“Stole the money from Fuller’s safe. I never dreamed you’d go that far. I thought you were just going to juggle the books a little. But you actually stole. Ahh, Penny, you shouldn’t have done it!”

“I probably shouldn’t,” Penny agreed.

“You did it for me. I know you did!”

“I did?” Penny wondered.

“Yes. And I’m going to show you how much I appreciate it. You just wait right here. Stay in the stall. I’ll be right back.” Clytemnestra kissed Penny on the cheek and slipped out of the ladies’ room.

Penny sat with head between knees and thought. This must be the answer to just what it was that Pennington P. Potter had done that was so despicable as to drive him to kill himself. Sure! He’d stolen from his employer and committed suicide to keep from facing the consequences. And it looked like the blonde bombshell was the “she” responsible!

Having reached this conclusion, Penny felt two emotions, one after the other. The first was fear because Penny realized that the punishment for the crime Pennington P. Potter had committed would be inflicted upon the body of Pennington P. Potter regardless of the fact that he no longer inhabited it. It was bad enough having to adjust to life as a man. Having to adjust to life as a man in prison was more than Penny wanted to face. The second emotion was a desire for revenge against the woman responsible for Potter’s suicide. She should be made to pay for driving him to such lengths! Experience as a woman made Penny sure of her ability to wreak revenge. Female cunning in a man’s body would teach that conniving blonde a lesson she’d never forget.

Penny was smiling with grim determination over this decision when the door squeaked open once again. It was Clytemnestra. “The place is crawling with cops,” she reported. “They’re looking for you.”

“Where have you been?” Penny wanted to know.

“Fuller’s office.” Clytemnestra waved a stack of green-backs. “I went back, found the safe still open, and cleaned out the rest of the money. That’ll teach him a lesson!” Clytemnestra gritted her teeth. “The broom closet indeed! I figure I earned that money standing on my feet!”

“The Perpendicular Theory of Economics,” Penny mused. Then, with bitterness—“Just how many payments do you intend to extract for the pleasure?”

“I don’t follow you. But there’s no time to go into it now anyway. We’ve got to get out of here.”

“How?”

“The freight elevator. I checked. They forgot to station a cop there. Come on, before they realize.”

Penny followed Clytemnestra out of the ladies’ room. They dashed down the rear hall to the freight elevator. Clytemnestra had pushed the button before, and so it was standing there waiting. Just as they boarded it, two men rounded a bend in the hallway. One of them was A. K. Fuller “There he goes!” he exclaimed. “That’s Potter! And my secretary’s with him!”

The other man pulled a gun. Before he could shoot, however, the elevator doors clanged shut. Slowly—too slowly for Penny’s comfort — the elevator moved downward.

At the bottom, Clytemnestra grabbed Penny’s hand and led the way through the basement at a dogtrot. Outside, she dashed to the curb and opened the door of a parked car. “No keys!” She cursed and moved onto the next car. “No luck!” She tried a third vehicle, an antique auto -- Model A Ford, vintage early l930’s. “Aha!” Clytemnestra spotted the keys in the ignition. “Here’s our getaway car!”

“Car theft too!” Penny groaned as Fuller and the man with the gun appeared at the building exit.

“No choice,” Clytemnestra pointed out as bullets began pinging off the side of the car. She gunned the motor and they shot away from the curb.

“Since it looks like we’re going to die together,” Penny observed, crouching down in the seat as a stray slug shattered a side window, “it would be nice if I knew your name.”

“Are you kidding? You know my name.” Clytemnestra took the corner on two wheels. There was the siren sound of a police car giving chase.

“Call it temporary amnesia. I seem to have forgotten it."

“Clytemnestra. Clytemnestra Hodgkiss.” She pushed the accelerator to the floorboard. More sirens testified to other police cars joining the pursuit.

“Clytemnestra. My name is Penny.”

“I know that. You don’t have to be so formal. Call me Cly.” She laughed wildly and zigzagged the car through traffic with brakes squealing. “Penny and Cly!” She chortled again. “Penny and Cly-—we rob safes!”

CHAPTER SEVEN

The Model A Ford careened up the avenue at top speed, several howling police cars in hot pursuit. Cly pushed the buggy like a speedway driver with diarrhea. Her urgency was color-blind to the traffic lights, wildly careless of other vehicles, and indifferent to the terror of the pedestrians scattering as if they were straws in the wind of the Tin Lizzie’s progress.

Beside Cly on the front seat, Penny expected each moment to be the last. From behind them came an increasing hail of police bullets. Penny’s eyes opened on the front windshield framing a phantasmagoria of cars, people and lamp posts scrambling to get out of their way. They took another turn on two wheels and -—

Cly hit the brakes hard. Suddenly they were surrounded by other cars, packed solidly in their midst. A block or so behind them, the squad cars were in the same predicament.

“Damn ol’ traffic jam to the Holland Tunnel,” Cly said disgustedly. “Happens ev’ry dang time. Jes’ look! It’s no wondah folks here’bouts call Canal Street the Dust Bowl of the Nawth.”

“You’re slurring your vowels,” Penny pointed out.

“Ah cain’t help it.” Cly flushed a bit. “Mah stomach’s been a mite queasy lately.”

“I don’t mean—What I mean is that you’re drawling.”

“Ah ain’t!” Cly wiped her chin self-consciously.

“Drawling! Not drooling!”

“Oh. Yew mean the way Ah tawk! Well, it jes’ naturally comes ovah me when Ah go south. Ah revert, is what it is.”

“South?” Penny looked blank.

“This heah’s ’most as fah south as a body can go on Manhattan Island, sugah.”

“Sho’ nuff,” Penny granted. “Hot damn! It’s catchin’!”

“An y’all ain’t even from the South,” Cly chortled.

“Are yew?”

“Ah am. South Jersey. Tom’s Rivah. That’s Wheah Ah’m takin’ yew now. Ah got kin theah. We’ll hole up with ’em ’til the heat’s off.”

“Iffen we make it,” Penny said, ducking as a fresh spate of police bullets ricocheted around the car.

“Jes’ ’cause the traffic’s startin’ to move, them ding-dongs get the call to start shootin’ again,” Cly grumbled.

“Well, we ain’t no sittin’ ducks. Open up that theah glove compartment.”

Penny obeyed and found a dismantled tommy gun there.

“Put it togethah an’ shoot back,” Cly instructed.

“How’d yew know it’d be heah?” Penny wondered. “We jes’ stole this buggy.”

“A choppah’s bound to be optional ’quipment on a car like this. Sort o’ fellah’d buy this fliwah couldn’t resist the accessories. Now put that gun togethah and show ’em we can give as good as we git!”

Penny assembled the tommy gun and fired a few bursts back at the police. The dialogue of shots continued until they entered the tunnel and lost their pursuers around the curves. Luck stayed with them. An auto behind them stalled and the squad cars were caught in the jam it caused. By the time Penny and Cly reached the toll booth, they’d shaken the police altogether.

“I can’t change this.” The guard at the toll booth stared at the hundred dollar bill Cly handed him. “I'm not supposed to change anything larger than a twenty.”

“Jes’ hand it back heah,” Cly said sweetly. “Good.” She took the bill back. “Now, Penny, hand me that theah choppah. Thank yew.”

“What is this?” The guard’s jaw dropped open.

“Mah name is Cly, an’ this heah’s Penny.” She poked him in the ribs with the tommy gun. “We rob toll booths.”

“Penny and Cly!” Fear spread over the guard’s face. “Gee! Please don’t hurt me!” He shoveled quarters through the car window.

“Would yew do us a favoah?” Cly jingled when he’d finished. She took a small Brownie camera from her pocketbook and handed it to the guard.

“Say ‘Cheese.’ ” He snapped the shutter.

“Ah’ll take foah wallet-size, two five-by-sevens an’ one eight-by-ten tinted an’ framed,” Cly jested.

“Let’s go.” Penny was impatient.

“You can’t,” the guard pointed out timidly. “The light’s still red. You have to pay the toll.”

“We jes’ robbed you.” Penny was irritable. “What diffrence does anothah foah bits make?”

“Robbery’s one thing,” the guard insisted. “Going through a toll booth without paying is something else again. That’s a very serious offense.”

Cly didn’t bother arguing. She selected two quarters and tossed them into the basket on the side of the toll booth.

An hour or so later they cut off the parkway, started down the highway heading south, then pulled up at a roadside hamburger stand. A carhop took their order and returned with a tray loaded down with hamburgers, Cokes, French fries, ketchup and mustard. She hooked the tray on the window on Penny’s side of the car and Cly and Penny started to eat. ,

They didn’t see the State Police patrol car when it first pulled into the lot. One of the troopers in the car noticed the antique auto and nudged his partner. The other trooper nodded and they got out of their car, guns drawn, and started for Penny and Cly.

Cly spotted them and threw the car into gear. Penny hefted the tommy gun threateningly as they zoomed past the troopers. One of the officers dived for the back of the flivver as it passed. He got a handhold on the old-fashioned spare tire rack and planted his feet on the wide bumper. He struggled to aim his gun.

Penny had put the tommy gun down and was trying to disattach the tray from the car window. Cly stared into the rearview mirror and watched with horror as the trooper sighted down the barrel of his gun. Her body flexed in anticipation of the bullet’s impact and she screamed.

Simultaneous with her scream-—quickly, yet somehow with the psychological aura of slow motion—the hand with the gun fell away from eye level. The trooper’s eyes widened. The face itself crumpled, seemed to shatter, to break into blood-red flesh fragments. The gory visage hung there a moment, and then vanished from Cly’s limited view. There was a dull-sounding thump as the trooper fell from the car to the road.

“Ohmeohmahohmeohmah!” Cly mouthed half hysterically. “Yew killed him, Penny! Awl that blood,” she sobbed. “You blowed his face right offen his haid. We’ah murderers now! All that blood! Yew made us murderers an’ we’ll fry foah it!”

“Hawse droppin’s!” Penny was surprisingly calm. “No sech thang! ’Tweren’t blood a-tall. That was ketchup. Wind took that paper container of ketchup when Ah unhooked the tray an’ it got him right ’tween the eyes. Ketchup looks a lot like blood.”

“Truth is it looks even worse.” Cly realized as she looked in the rearview mirror again and saw the trooper getting to his feet. The second trooper joined him on the run and now both of them stood in the middle of the road and fired after the Ford. Cly sighed over the gob of ketchup which was still all over the first trooper’s face. “Ah reckon when they put his photo in the papah lookin’ like that, we’ah gonna come up mad dogs even iffen y’all didn’t shoot him.”

“Image is a hard thang to change,” Penny agreed. “Folks been findin’ that out from Benedict Arnold to Richard Nixon.”

“Richard who?”

“Nevah mind.” Penny relaxed as they went around a bend in the road and the troopers’ bullets no longer followed them.

Less than an hour later they reached their destination. Cly’s brother Robin and his wife Marian received them with open arms.

“Figgered y’all mought come heah.” Robin kissed his sister and wrung Penny’s hand. “Been follerin’ youah ’scape on the newscasts. It’s a real credit to the fam’ly.”

“Y’all jes’ come on in an’ park youah loot,” Marian clucked hospitably. “It’s too bad the children is sleepin’. They suah would get a thrill bein’ up to welcome y’all. Jes’ as well though. Yew mus’ be tuckered out from youah journey.”

“Penny and me is sho’ ’nuf ready foah bed,” Cly agreed.

“Ain’t too tard for that, hey!” Robin snickered and nudged his sister. “Ah jes’ bet that Penny’s a real hunnerd percent man,” he joshed her.

Penny didn’t say anything, but the thought was that Robin would be awfully surprised to know just how far off he was. Lewd laughter followed them as they went upstairs to their bedroom. When Cly closed the door, shutting it off, Penny commented on Robin’s evaluation.

“Ah ain’t no great shakes as a lovah-boy.” Clutching the tommy gun for security, Penny backed away from the advancing Cly.

When she had Penny backed against the wall, Cly stroked the tommy gun and then reached lower. “This heah’s youah weapon/An’ this heah’s youah gun,” she singsonged. “This heah’s foah shootin/An’ this heah’s foah fun!” Cly grabbed.

Penny pulled away and crossed the room. The female brain suddenly found itself identifying with its new male body and there was resentment for the injuries done to Pennington P. Potter before the transplant. This resentment focused on Cly.

The way it looked, Cly had driven Potter to theft and suicide. Penny felt she owed it to her male torso to get revenge. Of course Penny had a tremendous advantage. Who knows better than a woman how a man should react sexually to another woman if the aim is to really hurt her?

“Didn’t yew enjoy makin’ love to me befoah?” Cly sounded hurt as she wriggled out of her dress and pulled off her stockings.

“It was awl right.” Penny stifled a yawn.

“You’ah not very ’thusiastic.” Cly doffed her bra and stroked the ridge marks it had left under her small, perfect breasts.

“Ah’m tard. An’ Ah told yew Ah ain’t no hotshot with the girls.”

“Wouldn’t that depend on the girl?” Cly wriggled her hips coyly and arched one long, slender leg in a gesture of invitation.

“Suah Would.” The flatness of Penny’s voice was a rejection.

“It’s been an excitin’ day, sugah.” Cly lay flat on the bed and looked up at Penny with smoldering eyes. “Ah’m still all het up. Ah need some lovin’ to calm me down.”

“Why not jes’ have a cup of hot milk?” Penny, clad only in jockey shorts now, stretched out on the bed beside Cly and turned out the light. “Ah’m really not in the mood.”

“Then Ah’ll put yew in the mood.” Cly’s fingers danced tantalizingly over Penny’s bare chest.

Penny didn’t respond. Cly kissed Penny, a long, deep kiss, but it likewise drew no response. A bite on the neck was followed by a tongue dipped into Penny’s ear. Cly might as well have been sharing the bed with a giant popsickle. Determinedly, she reached under Penny’s shorts. It took willpower, but Penny still managed not to react. Cly tried for a long time, but she finally gave up when Penny simulated the regular breathing of sleep.

This first rejection was only the beginning of Penny’s revenge. Cly hadn’t been exaggerating the strength of her desire. Now it required release. Sounds and movements said Cly was pursuing that release without Penny’s cooperation. Raising eyelids just enough to peek out from under them, Penny watched.

The willowy blonde was squeezing one of her small breasts with one hand. Her fingertips stroked the nipple. In the moonlight, Penny saw its color deepen to a blood-red as it grew and quivered. First one long leg and then the other was raised and stretched, a sort of feverish flexing impulse provoked by the impatient muscles of Cly’s inner thighs. Her breathing grew heavy; her hips bounced; a soft moan escaped her lips. And all the time Cly’s other hand was still clenching under Penny’s shorts.

Now the hand at her breast trailed downward over the taut belly until the tips of the fingers were lost in downy blondeness. Two of the fingers parted and the maroon, tensing evidence of her arousal peeped out between them. A frantic strumming and Cly’s buttocks raised off the bed as she strained toward fulfillment.

Permy gauged this process shrewdly. With Cly on the brink of release, Penny jerked away and forcibly removed both Cly’s hands from their targets so that the rhythm was broken and the climax frustrated. Cly came down out of the clouds with a sound that was half desire and half anger.

“Why’d yew do that?” she demanded. “Ah was jes’ ’bout to—”

“Ain’t right to play with yoahself,” Penny told her, hitting below the belt where the female ego lives.

“Then make love to me!” Cly urged. “Yo’ah ready! Ah can tell. Don’t be mean an’ holdin’ out on me, Penny. Make love to me! Please! Hurry! Please!”

“Ah’ll try. But ’member, Ah warned yew. Ah ain’t much good at this sort of thang.”

Penny reached over and grasped Cly’s breast, deliberately squeezing it hard so that passion would be diminished by pain. Cly winced, but she didn’t complain. Her hands clasped over Penny’s buttocks, pulling gently so that she might feel the swollen manhood against the fulcrum of her passion.

“Doan’ touch me theah!” Penny reared back. “Yew some kind of pre-vert, or somethin’? Ah ain’t nevah let nobody touch me theah!”

“Ah’m sorry! Ah’m sorry!” Cly quickly let go. She was confused, but she didn’t want to take a chance on losing Penny’s ardor no matter how lukewarm it was. “Truly Ah am!”

“Well, all light. Ies’ doan’ try nothin’ like that again! Ah’m particular ’bout bein’ too familiar.” Penny dropped one hand between Cly’s quivering thighs and deliberately snagged a fingernail on the tender flesh of her clitoris.

“Ouch!” Despite her eagerness, Cly winced and pulled away.

“Iffen yew’re gonna be sensitive an’ like that, why don’t we jes’ foahget the whole thang?”

“No! No! Please! Ah didn’t meant to—-Doan’ stop! Please!”

“All right then.” A dead weight, Penny descended on Cly, purposely missing the target and just lying there.

“Oof!” Cly tried to move so that the contact of love might be established, but it was impossible. “Couldn’t yew lean on youah elbows,” she suggested. “It would make it easier. An’ besides, you’ah crushin’ me.”

“One thing turns me off fastah than anythin’ else, it’s a woman what’s always complainin’! Ah think we oughta foahget the whole thang!”

“Ah ’pologize! Truly Ah dot! Doan’ go ’way! It’s jes’ Ah wants to make it easier for yew. Ah mean, the way we are, yew cain’t——it’s impossible—Ah mean, if yew’d be good enough to raise up jes’ a little, Ah could mebby slip in undah yew an’-—-”

“Like this?”

“Ahh! Yes! That’s the way!” Cly squirmed as best she could. “Yes! Mmmm! Yes-yes-yes!”

“Yew suah this heah’s right? Ah dean’ want to be doin’ nothin’ preverted, or nothin’.”

“Oh, this is suah ’nuf right! That’s the spot, Penny. Naow, you doan’ have to be doin’ nothin’, sugah. Jes’ let me do it all. Ah-ah-ah! Um-um-um! Now-now-now! Ye——— . . . Why’d yew pull away?” Cly was almost in tears. “Why’d yew have to pull away jes’ then? Jes’ when Ah was ’bout to—”

“Ah haid a itch!”

“Couldn’t it wait? Jes’ anothah second or two an’ -”

“No, it couldn’t. When Ah itches, Ah scratches!”

“Wal, iffen yow’re all scratched up now, let’s jes’ resume —“

“Naw.” Penny yawned. “Ah’m too tard. That’s hard exercise. Ah doan’ want no moah such exertion. Ah could give mahself a heart attack.”

“All right!” Cly spoke through clenched teeth. She was in an agony of frustration now. “Yew jes’ lie quiet. Yew doan’ have to do a thing. Ah’ll do it foah both of us.” She knelt over Penny, her anticipating pink tongue peeping out from between moist, hot, hungry lips. One of her hands guided the object her puckering mouth sought. The other reached behind her to locate Penny’s face so that she might lower her nether-mouth lightly over it.

What followed was only partly vindictiveness on Penny’s part. Mostly it was the result of an intense new experience being relayed to the female brain by the male body; indeed, an experience so intense that the brain whirled with it. At the very first sensation provided by the engulfing mouth, before like contact with Cly’s pulsating womanhood had really been properly established, Penny was seized with a reaction so powerful that the male body took over completely, the hands gripping the back of Cly’s neck and holding it firmly in place until the last tremor of release was subsided. It was then that Penny’s female brain snapped back to reality and Cly was pushed off her facial perch before the act could be made reciprocal.

“OWWWEEEEOOHHHH!” Cly howled. “Yew— Yew —!”

“Ah told yew Ah was no great lovah boy.” Penny snickered inwardly, turned over and went to sleep.

Morning found Cly looking haggard and sounding edgy. Also, she was possessed of a renewed determination. As soon as Penny’s eyes were opened, Cly swooped down, mouth lunging for the target of the previous night. Only this time her teeth were showing in a way that bespoke revenge more than desire.

Deftly, Penny rolled away from her, scrambled from the bed and stood erect. “Heah, chew on this!” Penny handed Cly a fat cigar. “Sublimate, sugah. Yew’ll feel better.”

Grumbling to herself, Cly accepted the stogie. She bit off the end viciously, revealing the full extent of her anger. Penny felt an unaccustomed twinge of masculine fear. Cly lit the cigar and exhaled a large cloud of blue smoke.

When the cloud cleared her brother Robin was revealed in the doorway, his wife Marian at his elbow. “We was wonderin’ when yew two lovebirds ’d climb outa the sack,” Robin greeted them. “Rooster here give yew a rough night, Sis?” He chortled. “Youah lookin’ a mite peaked.”

“Now doan’ be ’barrassin’ youah sistah like that,” Marian remonstrated.

“She suah doan’ look like she slept none a-tall.” Robin slapped his thigh.

“Ah didn’t.” Cly spoke shortly, puffing angrily on the cigar.

“Wish Ah had youah youth an’ energy, Rooster,” Robin told Penny.

“So do Ah!” Marian interjected fervently.

“Shucks! ’Tweren’t nothin’,” Penny said modestly.

“Yew can say that again!” Cly clenched her teeth around the cigar. She planted one foot on the bed, a hand on her hip and glared at Penny.

“Hol’ it! Hol’ it!” Ro-bin yelled excitedly. “Doan’ move! Ah gotta get a shot of yew like that for the family album. Ah’ll be right back with the camera.” Robin hurried out.

“Since Robin got that Polaroid, theah’s no livin’ with him,” Marian complained. “Cain’t hardly go to the outhouse ’thout him sneakin’ a pictuah!”

“We’ah a sentimental family,” Cly told her sister-in-law. “We keep albums all the way back to mah Grandaddy. Got a bee-yootiful snap of him took the very day he died—-a-swingin’ from that rope so quiet an’ peaceable. Ah like to cry ev’ry time Ah look at that photo.”

“Ah’m ready.” Robin reappeared with the camera.

“Now hol’ still, Cly. Theah! Now how ’bout one with you puffin’ the see-gah with Penny?”

“Robin.” Marian cocked her head. “What’s that noise Ah heah? Sounds like gunfiah.”

“Prob’ly jes’ some of the local folks shootin’ up the foahclosuah signs.”

“Nope.” Penny had taken up a cautious position alongside one of the bedroom windows and was peering out. “It’s the law.”

“The law!” Marian sounded panicky.

“They headin’ foah the porch. We’d best get downstaihs an’ discourage them,” Penny advised.

The four of them stampeded down the staircase. Penny, Cly and Robin took up positions at the living room windows to guard the approaches to the house. Marian distributed guns and ammunition and then stationed herself where she could cover the back door if the attackers tried circling to the rear.

A steady hail of shotgun pellets bounced against all four walls of the house. “They’s a local posse.” Robin made the identification for the others. After that they were too busy returning the fire with tommy gun and pistols for conversation. It kept up for a long time before there was a slight lull.

It was during the lull that the little girl appeared at the top of the staircase. “Auntie Cly,” she whined, “why’d yew steal the money from out of mah piggy bank las’ time yew was heah?”

“Jes’ keepin’ mah hand in, chile,” Cly told her.

A voice from outside sounded over Cly’s words. “Y’all in theah!” the voice called. “ ’Foah we waste any moah lead, are y’all who we think yew are?”

Indignant at the doubt expressed, Cly stepped to the window. “We’ah Penny an’ Cly!” she shouted back proudly. “We rob piggy banks!” She sprayed the landscape with the tommy gun.

The gunfire resumed. Then-—“Mommy”—during another lull-—“Mommy, when am Ah gonna git mah money back from Auntie Cly?”

“What yew doin’ on those staihs, chile? Yew wanna git youah haid blowed off? Go on back in the bedroom with youah brothahs and sistahs.” Vexed, Marian pumped a few slugs out the window. It sparked a return volley from outside.

“They won’t let me watch mah progam, Mommy. They’s watchin’ theah program an’ when Ah tried to switch the channel, Prettyboy done hit me.”

“Yew tell Prettyboy Ah said!” Marian slapped her pistol and pumped the trigger.

“All right, Mommy. Ah’ll tell him. But he’ll only hit me again.” The child vanished into one of the rooms at the top of the stairs.

“Ah declaih!” Marian shook her head. “That Prettyboy’s jes’ gettin’ impossible! It’s all that TV he watches. Theah’s altogethah too much violence on TV. lt’s not good foah the children. They shouldn’t ’low all that violence on TV.”

“Duck youah haid, foah it gets blowed off,” Cly cautioned as the wall behind Marian was peppered with shots.

“Seein’ so much violence on the TV makes the children mean an’ ornry, ’stead of peaceable,” Marian continued. “Ain’t that right, Robin?”

“Reckon so, honey. Would yew be so kind as to pass the ammunition.”

“An praise the Lawd whilst youah at it,” Penny added. “This heah’s gettin’ pretty hot.”

“Ah thank it’s time we was moseyin’ along,” Cly suggested. “Le’s pile into the car out theah in the gay-rage an’ make a break foah it.”

Penny and Cly suited their action to Cly’s words. They made for the car parked in the garage attached to the house and climbed into the front seat. Cly took the wheel while Penny leveled the chopper, ready to blast their way out.

“Send us a postcard naow,” Marian called as Robin rolled up the door of the garage. They stood hand-in-hand waving after Penny and Cly as the car shot down the driveway in a hail of lead.

The posse chased them from the driveway and down the road, stooping to fire, shaking their fists. But after a while they had to stop, muttering their rage as the car vanished beyond a curve in the road.

“Shook ’em,” Penny announced. “What naow?”

“Best thang ’d be to get out of the country. Damn!” Cly slapped her forehead. “Yew know what damfool thang Ah done, Penny? Ah went and left that money Ah Stole ba¢k theah with Robin and Marian.”

“Yew know somethin’, Cly? Sometimes-—somet1mes, youah pretty damn inept!” Penny glowered. “Stop youah snivelin’! Question is, what do we do?”

“Ah know!” Cly perked up. “We’ll go an’ get that money yew stole from Fullah. Wheah’d yew stash it, honey?”

“Ah thawt Ah gave it to yew.”

“What yew mean? Yew nevah!” Cly was indignant.

“Yew said youahself Ah stole it foah yew.”

“Ah jes’ meant the thirty dollahs petty cash Ah took that yew juggled the books foah. Ah didn’t neveh mean that ten thousand yew heisted. Ah nevah saw none of that.”

Penny looked at Cly closely. There could be no doubt about it. She was telling the truth. Penny realized then that Cly wasn’t the villainess behind Pemiington P. Potter’s theft and suicide. But if Cly wasn’t responsible, then who was? And where was the stolen money?

The questions were driven from Penny’s mind by a sudden turn of events. A curve in the road led Penny and Cly smack into a police ambush.

The roadway was blocked and some twenty policemen opened fire on the hapless pair from behind the blockade. An equal number started shooting from either side of the road. Cly tried to turn the car around, but it was too late. The cops had closed in and now there was a hail of bullets coming from that direction as well. Skidding to a halt, Cly picked up her gun and she and Penny shot it out with the lawmen.

“We bettah break foah the woods,” Penny suggested after a few moments under the heavy fire. When there was no answer, Penny turned to Cly. The young blonde’s body was riddled with bullets. It looked like a Swiss cheese that had been attacked by a flock of curd-eating moths. She was dead.

Eyes horrified and streaming with tears, Penny gazed at Cly’s lifeless body. With head thrown back, Penny howled Cly’s epitaph. “Police brutality!” Penny shrieked. “Police brutality!” And Penny ran for the shelter of the trees through a hailstorm of bullets, still screaming: “Police brutality!”

CHAPTER EIGHT

Oh, Sting, where is thy Death?

The answer lay in a hail of lead so thick that it was transformed into the deadliest of insecticides. The barrage following Penny into the woods decimated the local branch of South Jersey mosquito-dom almost to the point of genocide. The frantically milling ’skeeters rose in a cloud so thick that Penny was hidden from the marksmen behind it. But the buzzers fell by the hundreds, sacrificed to the fugitive’s safety.

The sacrifice was not in vain. As cops and insects fought it out, Penny plunged deeply into the marshlands and was lost to the ambushers. The trouble was that after an hour or so went by, Penny was just plain lost.

Botanically, Penny was a bigot. All trees looked alike. One fern looked just like another. Weeds mushroomed common and identity-less, and mushrooms had no personality even if they were toadstools. Disorientation had turned the marshland into a fern maze and there were no longer even the sounds of gnat and gun to point a direction back to civilization.

Penny perched, stumped, on a tree stump and thought confused thoughts. The confusion was more than just geographical. It was situational and inner-directed as well. From every angle, Penny was in one hell of a fix.

Firstly there was the matter of female brain and male body still working out the terms of coexistence. Secondly there was the matter of theft and suicide to be reconciled-—revenged? atoned?—-Penny Wasn’t sure which. Thirdly there were the problems of being infamous now, and on the lam; how to lose oneself to the world and find oneself for oneself. And last, but still the primary objective of the moment, there was the matter of finding one’s way out of the swamp—and hopefully—out of the State of New Jersey altogether (New Jersey being a mental state as well, and a locale to be avoided by the discriminating on both counts).

Last things first. Penny puckered brow over the question of location in the swampy maze. But it was eyes, rather than brain, which finally latched onto the clue to what direction to take. It was the sight of bread crumbs leading to the edge of the clearing which somewhat unstumped the stump-lodged Penny.

Follow the bread crumbs!

It was the only rule of navigation Penny had ever learned. The rising sun, the setting sun, the stars—all were pointless arrows to Penny. A compass was something used to draw circles with back in high school geometry. Even road maps were to Penny as Finnegan’s Wake to the reading level of a third grade underachiever. But bread crumbs—

They guided Hansel and Gretel, didn’t they? Every child knows they’re the only sure way to get out of the forest. Faced with a choice between logic and fairy tales, opt for fantasy every time—that’s the only true Law of Reality: the practical people never get out of the swamp; visionaries flap their arms and fly to freedom. Penny was no pragmatist; Penny followed the bread crumbs. Eventually they led Penny to a truly sylvan glade deep in the forest. Stepping from the trees, Penny was so struck by the beauty of the scene as to stop short and gasp. The branches of the trees formed a leafy roof over the clearing through which the sun rays slanted down to make a sparkling pattern of the grass and wildflowers. On the far side was a small waterfall descending into a trickling brook which ran alongside the glade. The waters of the brook had polished the rocks damming it so that the light bounced off to form a rainbow of colors arching from the brook to the sky. In the center of the clearing stood a giant tree with a crescent of hillock leading from its base to form a small gully on one side of it.

At first Penny didn’t see the couple behind the crescent in the gully. The view was so dazzling that it was only when they moved that Penny’s attention was attracted to them. Penny gasped a second time and shrank back into the trees so as not to be seen.

The couple, a young man and a young woman, were completely naked!

They stood together holding hands, very quietly, very still, as if they too, like Penny, were drinking in the glory of the scenery spread before them. It was quite a while before they finally stirred. During that time Penny studied them like a sculpture aficionado contemplating a pair of original Rodin statues.

The man was tall and very well-built with a muscular torso that had been tanned to a deep bronze. The sinews stood out impressively on his arms and legs. His chest was matted with curly black hair which glistened in the diffused light. The hair on his head was also curly black and a trifle long. His face was craggy, the features strong, not so much handsome as a combination of sensual and masculine. He looked like a man who knew what it was all about to be a man.

The girl was an excellent match for him. At first glance she looked like some Amazon from a bygone age. She was as tall as the man and built proportionately with extremely large and firmly molded breasts. Her legs were muscular and strong-looking, albeit quite shapely. Her hips were wide and jutted out imposingly from a waist that was so narrow as to look almost pinched between the generous bosom and the hips. Her stomach was quite flat, ending in a sparse triangle of auburn curls. Her tresses likewise were auburn and framed the face of a Valkyrie. Like the man’s face, it was strong and sensual. But its planes were softer, more feminine, and the high cheekbones and full lips bespoke a passionate, womanly nature. Even from a distance, Penny could make out the startlingly deep blue color of her eyes. If the man was all man, she was surely all woman.

The Amazon was the first to move. She sank to her knees, out of sight for a moment behind the crescent of hillock, and then reappeared. The man smiled as she held up a bra and panties.

He bent over as she started to don them. He came up with a pair of jockey shorts, an undershirt and socks. The girl’s giggle trebled over the glade as he tottered on one foot to put on the undergarments.

Penny watched as the girl put on a garter belt and then lay on her back to pull on silk stockings and attach them to it. The man had pulled on pants and was buttoning a shirt. As he tucked it in, the Amazon wriggled into a slip and paused to smooth out her long auburn hair. She put in some hairpins to hold it in place, and then donned a dress and waited for him to finish tying his necktie so that he might help her button it up the back. When he did, she put on shoes while he got into a very stylish-looking sports jacket. She waited while he tied his own shoes.

Penny was also waiting. Watching them, Penny figured to step forth when they were dressed and ask directions. The idea was to avoid embarrassment, but it was thwarted.

As soon as the man finished tying his shoes, as soon as they were both completely dressed, they embraced frantically. They kissed, a long, deep, lingering, feverish kiss. The Amazon’s nails raked the back of his neck and then her fingers tangled in his curly black hair. His hands slid down her back until they clenched over the outline of her beautifully curved buttocks pushing against the skirt of her dress.

Not knowing what else to do, Penny stepped back to the shelter of the trees and continued watching. Events proceeded apace. The kiss over, their lips, by turn, sought other targets. Hers found his ear, then his her neck. He puckered the hollow at the base of her throat and she responded by nibbling his nape. He worked his way down the buttons at the rear of her frock, the buttons he had so recently buttoned, undoing them now, his lips following his fingers to bestow a lingering kiss on each sensitive vertebra. She pushed his tie out of the way, worked her way inside his jacket, unbuttoned the shirt, pushed the undershirt out of the way, her mouth moving over the hair on his chest like wind over a wheatfield—a quick series of flutter-kisses that made his chest swell with gasped-in air. Penny continued to watch . . .

He tugged the dress loose from one of the Amazon’s shoulders now. His hand slid in over the bra and squeezed the cup, his palm caressing the bare breast flesh pushing up from it, his fingers molding the thin material over the nipple and aureole. She gasped audibly and sank to her knees in front of the hillock. This gave him the easy advantage of groping inside the bra until he had freed one breast altogether and he sank down beside her to capture the strawberry-shaped nipple between his lips. Penny watched . . .

They stretched out full-length, still dressed if somewhat disheveled. The Amazon reached around him and her nails dug into the rear of his pants, spurring the rhythmic movements of his body against hers. His face was buried in her bosom; half lost in her bra, pressed deep in the cleft between her lush breasts. Penny’s tongue licked Penny’s lips as Penny watched . . .

One of his hands crept under the Amazon’s skirt. There was a flash of naked, feverishly moving thigh. Then the dress was smoothed out and both hand and thigh were lost to view. Penny saw the material ripple as the hand moved higher, higher . . .

The Amazon pushed him gently away and sat up straight. She leaned over and removed her shoes. Then she knelt over him and unlaced his shoes. She set both pairs of shoes down neatly, side by side, a few feet away from them. Then she proceeded to caress his sock-encased toes. He reciprocated, playing with her nylon-covered toes, manipulating the material to force his fingers deep between them. Feet itching, Penny watched . . .

He worked his way up the shapely Amazonian legs. Now both his hands were lost under the skirt. They reappeared to pull the panties down the length of the compliant limbs. The Amazon was breathing very heavily now, very quickly. Her own hands were squeezing the bra-cups in some uncontrollable animal response. Unconsciously, Penny’s hands picked up the movement, clenching and unclenching . . .

The young man’s head vanished under the folds of the skirt. The Amazon cried out. After a little while she reached down and pulled him forcibly out into the open. She yanked his face to hers and kissed him urgently. Her hands slid down from her breasts, over her hips until they’d reached the juncture where he pressed against her. Both her hands fumbled with the zipper to his pants. The sound of the zipper being jerked down was audible. Both her hands then worked at the material of his jockey shorts until it was out of the way. She drew forth the object of her fumblings and gasped as it proudly speared the air. Penny, impressed, also gasped . . .

He slid down the length of her body, petting, kissing, squeezing. Then, when the hem of her skirt was hooked where he wanted it, he slid back up again. She cried aloud as he struck his target. Their bodies thrashed over the hillock together in a wild, primitive rhythm. They were, for the most part, still fully clothed. Only the crucial parts of their bodies had been bared to allow contact.

It was enough. There could be no doubt of the ferocity and joy of their coupling. Watching them, Penny forgot for the duration that she had problems which needed solving. Penny was caught up in their strange, clothed lovemaking. It lasted a long time, but there was no impatience on Penny’s part . . .

Finally it was over. Discreetly, Penny waited for them to compose themselves before venturing forth to ask directions. Alas! Once again the waiting proved to be self-defeating.

They lay on their backs awhile, embracing each other lightly, until their breathing became regular. Then the Amazon sat up slowly, adjusted her bra, smoothed out her skirt and turned around so the young man might button the back of her dress. She combed her hair while he arranged his own clothing. They both put on their shoes. They kissed again, one last kiss, and got to their feet.

Penny started to move toward them-—too slowly.

Fairly quickly, yet with no sense of undue hurry, they had both started to undress again. Calmly, but with practiced dexterity, he was undoing the buttons at the back of her dress again. As she pulled the dress off, he removed his jacket and neatly untied his necktie. Bewildered, Penny stepped back to the cover of the trees . . .

It didn’t take them long to remove all their clothes. When they were completely naked, the Amazon produced it picnic basket and spread a cloth over the grassy knoll. They ate what to the watching Penny seemed a sparse repast. Then they carefully removed the remains of the meal down to the last crumb and neatly buried it. They dressed again, made love again, undressed again -- in that puzzling order. Penny watched . . .

This time after they undressed, they folded their garments neatly and stashed them in a hollow of the tree at the base of the knoll. Laughing, they kissed once lightly and joined hands. The young man pointed to the ground, indicating the bread crumbs there. The Amazon nodded, and they started out, obviously following the bread crumbs. Penny shrank well back into the foliage, realizing that the crumbs would lead directly past the hiding place. Penny was still simply too shy to accost the pair of them in their naked state.

When they were well past, Penny fell in behind them and followed their path. They were going back the way Penny had come. Penny could only hope that by retracing steps the bread crumbs would lead back to some sort of civilization.

It wasn’t long before they came to the spot where Penny had intercepted the trail of bread crumbs in the first place. From there they took a turn and continued following the crumbs in a different direction from the one Penny had come. Penny continued to follow the naked twosome.

They flitted between the trees. Their bare toes squeezed bright green dew from grassy slopes as they traversed them. Gaily, they climbed small hills and descended them, squealing happily. They paused to pick wildflowers and entwine them in their hair and about their glowing, healthy bodies. And all the time they stayed on the trail of the bread crumbs with Penny following at a distance. Until —

Until they came to the brook. It was a small rivulet winding among the trees. A jagged line of stepping-stones led across it. A spattering of bread crumbs on each of the stones marked out the route. And each of the stones was slippery, polished by the water and rendered treacherous by a fine green moss creeping over its surface from the water.

The Amazon skipped surefootedly over the stones and had no trouble landing with an entrechat on the opposite bank of the brook. The young man tried to emulate her grace. He almost succeeded. Almost, but not quite!

As he danced over the stones, halfway across the brook, one of his feet landed lightly on a patch of moss and slid out from under him. The rest of his body continued forward. There was the sound of snapping bone. The young man emitted a loud, agonized cry and plunged headfirst into the water.

His head came up-—once. “Help!” he yelled. “I’m drowning!” Then his head fell back into the water and he thrashed about helplessly.

The Amazon stood on the bank wringing her hands. “Oh, dear! Oh, dear!” she wailed to no one in particular. “What can I do? Oh, dear! I can’t swim! Oh, dear! Help! Somebody help! Oh, dear!”

Male or female, Penny was basically a humanist at heart. Yes, male or female, Penny couldn’t turn a deaf ear to the plea for help. Penny couldn’t just stand by idly and watch the naked young man drown.

So Penny hopped over the stepping-stones, pulled the young man’s head from the water, and dragged him sputtering to the bank of the brook. Here the Amazon took over and helped drag her male companion onto the safety of the shore. Penny got up beside him and started administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

“Why are you doing that?” the naked Amazon asked suspiciously.

“It’s what . . .” InIhale. “the first aid . . .” Exhale. “book says . . .” Inhale. “to do in.” Exhale. “cases of drown . . .” Inhale. “ing . . .” Exhale. Penny explained.

“You sure you’re not some kind of queer or something?” the Amazon demanded.

“I’m not . . .” Inhale. “sure of anything . . .” Exhale. Even under stress Penny was truthful.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing, mac?” The young man spluttered back to consciousness.

“I just saved your life,” Penny told him.

“Yeah? Well, thanks. I’m grateful. I really am.” The young man pushed Penny forcibly away. “But I’m not that grateful.”

“Yeah. You can stop kissing him now,” the Amazon insisted.

“I’m not kissing him. I’m only -”

“OUCH!” The young man had tried to move and the effort had wrenched the cry of pain from him.

“What is it?” The Amazon was concerned.

“My leg. I think it’s broken.”

“Let’s see.” Penny examined the leg.

“What’s wrong with it?” the Amazon asked.

“It’s broken.” Penny confirmed the self-diagnosis.

“How can you be sure?”

“You see this hunk of bone sticking out here?”

“Yes.”

“And you see this other piece of bone sticking out here?”

“Yes.”

“Well, either they’re supposed to be joined, or this young man has the most remarkable bone structure I’ve ever seen,” Penny told the Amazon. “If they are and they’re not, then I’d deduce they’re two parts of a broken bone. Wouldn’t you?”

“I guess so,” the Amazon admitted reluctantly.

“Ergo! The leg is broken,” Penny concluded logically.

“What are we going to do?” The Amazon wrung her hands.

“We’ll have to break some branches off a tree and tie them with some vines to make a sling to carry him,” Penny suggested.

“All right.” The Amazon started looking around her.

“I feel awful.” The young man looked greenish. “I-—”

“Oh, dear! He’s fainted! What should we do?”

“Nothing,” Penny told her. “He’s better off unconscious. Just let him be and help me make a stretcher.”

Penny laid out two long, fairly straight branches alongside one another and pointed out some strong-looking vines for the Amazon to fetch.

As they worked, the Amazon looked at Penny curiously. After a while she asked the question that was on her mind. “What are you doing in the middle of the woods with all your clothes on?” she wanted to know.

“What am I-—?” Penny was confused.

“Well, it’s against the rules, you know.”

“Against what rules?”

“The Colony rules,” the Amazon explained. “In the first place, no clothes are allowed. In the second place, nobody but staff is allowed outside the compound. Now don’t pretend you don’t know that.”

“I’m not pretending. I don’t know what you’re talking about. What ‘Colony’?”

“Why, the Buffmuff Colony, of course. Aren’t you from there?”

“No. I’m not. I never even heard of it. What kind of colony is it?”

“The Buffmuff Nudist Colony.” The Amazon looked at Penny suspiciously. “But if you’re not from the Colony, then what are you doing here in the middle of the woods?”

“That’s a long story I’d rather not go into right now,” Penny told her.

“Are you one of those peepers?” The Amazon was openly hostile.

“One of those what?”

“Peepers. There are always sick people who come around nudist colonies and try to peek at the folks in the raw. Sometimes they try to pass themselves off as birdwatchers. Are you one of those?”

“No,” Penny assured her. “I’m not. I’d never do a thing like that. I’m just lost in the woods and trying to find my way out. I didn’t know I’d wandered into a nudist colony.”

“Well, actually, you haven’t.”

“l haven’t?” Penny looked from the unconscious naked man to the nude Amazon and back with more confusion.

“No. This part of the woods isn’t part of the Colony. Actually, it’s off-limits. We’re not really supposed to be here.”

“Then why--?” Penny left the question hanging.

“Since you’re not from Buffmuff, I suppose I might as well tell you,” the Amazon sighed. “It will pass the time while we’re tying these vines.”

“You don’t really have to—”

“It’s all right. I don’t mind. Have you ever been to a nudist colony?” the Amazon began.

“No. I’d be too embarrassed. I even blush in locker rooms.” Penny saw no reason to specify the gender of the locker rooms, nor to mention the current sex identity problem.

“Have you got any idea how they’re ran?” the Amazon asked.

“Barely, I’d guess,” Penny punned, suppressing a giggle.

“I can see that you don’t. For one thing, the more clothes you take off, the less funny things seem.”

“That’s odd. I always thought there was something a bit ridiculous about the naked human body. Male or female, naked people always seemed just a little absurd to me,” Penny confessed.

“It’s easy to see you’re no nudist. To a dedicated nudist, the bare body is no laughing matter. It’s nature’s highest attainment, and there’s nothing funny about it.”

“Perhaps on the whole they’re right,” Penny granted. “But if instead of taking the sum of the parts, you take them individually, isn’t it different? What I mean is, look at six nudists walking away and concentrate on their rear ends one by one. Now, can’t you see the absurdity? After all, all men are not created equal if you see what I’m getting at.”

“Perhaps.” The Amazon thought a moment, released an abrupt giggle, then composed herself.

“Or belly buttons.” Penny was carried away with the thesis. “I mean, ‘Innies’ and ‘Outies.’ You could classify the whole human race just by their navels. First the two main categories to replace ‘Male’ and ‘Female,’ and then subcategories by width and depth and roundness and lint capacity and placement and -”

“I get the idea,” the Amazon interrupted. “But do you want to sit here studying my navel, or do you want to hear about what Malcolm and I are doing in the woods?”

“Malcolm?”

“Him.” The Amazon pointed to the unconscious young man. “That’s his name. Mine is Cherry.”

What a misnomer, Penny thought, remembering the activities in which “Cherry” had been indulging so recently. “Mine is Penny,” said Penny aloud. “And I’m sorry I interrupted. Go on with your story.”

“All right. If you’re sure you really want to—”

“I’m fascinated,” Penny assured her. “Please.”

“Very well. Now, all nudist colonies are run very strictly. They have rules and the rules are enforced. They have schedules, and you either adhere to them, or you’re drummed out of the colony. But of all the ones I’ve ever been in, none is as strict as Buffmuff. Nudism, diet and health are actually a religion there, and if you don’t stick to it, you’re excommunicated.”

“Stripped of your robes?” Penny wondered. “How -?”

“You certainly are a stickler for unimportant details,” Cherry sighed. “But in a reverse kind of way, you’ve got it right. You get your clothes back and you’re banished from the nudist movement forevermore. Anyway, the first and foremost rule has to do with sex. That’s out altogether. You’re not even allowed to flirt. If they so much as catch you looking at the organs of the opposite sex with undue interest, you get demerits. It’s not so bad for the women. But the men -- well, they have a special problem. It isn’t just their eyes that can give them away.”

“You mean-—?”

“Yes. Sometimes, they try to pass it off as purely urinary. That’s what Malcolm tried to do when he got caught reacting to me. But they wouldn’t believe him, of course. He really caught it. He’s still on probation. That’s one reason this is such a mess now.”

“I’d think that kind of thing would happen more often than not,” Penny opined. “I mean, men are men, and with all those naked women walking around-”

“You’re wrong. It’s not like that for nudists for the most part. It takes very little time for nakedness to become asexual. It isn’t exciting at all except when someone really appeals to you the way l did to Malcolm. Even with us, it wasn’t the nakedness. If you’re a nudist, before long bare skin turns you off instead of exciting you.”

“I see.” Penny was beginning to make sense of what had happened before.

“Yes. Actually, the human body is much more provocative with clothes on than without. Clothes are basically seductive. That’s one of the tenets of nudism. People on the outside don’t understand that, but it’s really true. Purity—-lack of sex activity, that is—and nudism go hand-in-hand.”

“And I’ll bet when nudists do have sex, they put on clothes to excite each other,” Penny said with an air of innocence that was quite mischievous.

It didn’t fool Cherry. “You were watching us!” she accused. “You are a peeper!”

“Not really. I only stumbled on you by accident. And the reason I didn’t let you know I was there was that I didn’t want to embarrass you.”

‘“Hmpf!”’ Cherry sniffed and looked doubtful.

“Now there’s no point in getting huffy. You need me,” Penny pointed out. “You can’t carry him on this litter alone. Come on, finish your story while we finish tying these vines.”

“Oh, all right.” Cherry resumed twining the vines around the long boughs and knotting them. “Well, let me give you some idea of the routine at Buffmuff. The unmarried men and women sleep in separate dormitories. We’re waked at five-thirty A. M. by a staff member who comes around ringing a bell. From five-thirty to six we line up and do exercises. From six to six-thirty we take ice-cold showers. From--”

“Ice-cold showers first thing in the morning.” Penny shuddered. “No wonder nudists are asexual.”

“Yes. Anyway, from six-thirty to seven-thirty we have breakfast. Wheat germ, carrot juice and prunes. The other meals are variations of this. All our foods are health foods. Nudists are vegetarians. Even the ‘meat loaf’ we have twice a week is made from a soybean derivative.”

“You mean you start off the day without coffee?”

“Coffee is a stimulant. No stimulants are allowed. Sometimes for dinner we get hot barley soup. But that’s the only hot liquid. All the others are served without icing or heuting. It’s supposed to be healthier to drink fluids at their natural temperature.”

“Not even one cube to perk up the Scotch?”

“No liquor allowed, of course. But you’re being facetious,” Cherry sniffed.

“Sorry. Go on.”

“Okay. After breakfast, from seven-thirty to nine-thirty, we play volleyball. The men against the women. That’s where I first noticed Malcolm — playing volleyball. He’d noticed me first. That was obvious, because when he tripped, the way he got stuck in the mud was a giveaway. That’s why they put him on probation. He’d been seen going into the men’s outhouse only a few minutes before, so they knew it wasn’t—well, you understand.”

“I do,” Penny assured her. “Keep going. What happens after volleyball?”

“There’s a two-hour lecture on sun—worship. That’s compulsory too. Everybody has to attend. Then, for the next hour, until twelve-thirty, we lie out in the sun in rows on this big field. You can get excused from this if you’re sunburned, but if you do they assign you to some form of nature communion like learning birdcalls, or studying rocks. After this comes immersion.”

“Immersion?”

“There’s a natural stream on the property. It comes from underground and so it’s unusually cold. Before lunch everybody has to immerse themselves in it for half an hour,” Cherry explained. “After lunch, from two to three, we all go to the bathroom.”

“Just like that‘? On schedule? I mean, how can you-—?”

“Regularity is a very important part of nudism at Buffmuff. Exceptions may be made for the elimination of fluids, but bodily wastes must be disposed of on schedule. We call it the ‘Shitting Hour.’ But not where the staff can hear us.”

“I can see why,” Penny told her.

“At three there’s archery instruction. At four we have another hour of exercises. At five there’s another immersion. From six to seven we have dinner. From seven to nine we’re allowed to socialize. At nine we have to be in bed and Lights Out is at nine-thirty. That’s the regimen, and as I said, it’s strictly enforced.”

“Right down to the essentials,” Penny granted. “I can see that.”

“Yes. Now, as to the rules. No fraternization among unmarried people of the opposite sex. That’s primary, of course. No clothes allowed. Nobody allowed to leave the premises. No sexual outlets of any kind, and that specifically includes masturbation. No food allowed to be brought in, or stashed away. You’re not allowed to take any food from the dining tables for later. You eat on schedule, and that’s the only time you eat.” Cherry sighed. “I guess Malcolm and I broke almost all of those rules. Now if we can’t sneak back in, we’ll be forced to leave in disgrace. They’ll cashier us out in front of the whole camp. Everybody lined up while they take away our suntan lotion and hang a symbolic fig leaf over our organs. Oh, it’s just awful!”

“How did you ever get into this mess?” Penny wondered.

“After that day on the volley-ball court, I continued to notice Malcolm and he continued to notice me. Our eyes would meet furtively. I’d see him looking at my body. I’d catch myself looking at his. For a long time, we didn’t exchange a word, but we communicated all the same. Then, one day, he managed to whisper to me.”

“What did he whisper?”

“He told me he was mad for me. He told me he kept dreaming about me—with clothes on. That did it. The bit about the clothes, I mean. It was the most erotic thing any man had ever said to me. Immediately, I had this vision of Malcolm with his jockey shorts bulging, and my breasts began to tingle. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t suppress my desire.”

“Well, that’s only human,” Penny soothed her.

“Not in Buffmuff’s world it isn’t. I knew we were playing with fire. But I couldn’t stop myself. I let Malcolm whisper to me a lot of times after that. Then one day we arranged to meet secretly.”

“With such a strict routine, that couldn’t have been too easy to manage,” Penny realized.

“It wasn’t. There was only one way. We each got someone to answer the roll call for us during the Shitting Hour, and we met in the woods between the two outhouses. Later it was torture, but it was worth it.”

“Torture? What do you mean?”

“When you’re used to going every day at the same time—well, it was torment until the next day. But once we knew we could do it, we got our bodies on a once-every-two-days schedule, and it was easier after that. We met frequently. But the time was so short, and it was frustrating as well as dangerous. That’s why we decided we had to have a whole day to ourselves. So we planned this picnic.”

“Yes, I noticed that you had food and things.”

“It wasn’t easy. The first thing was that Malcolm smuggled a letter out to a friend. This fellow hid the clothes for us and laid down the trail of bread crumbs from where he hid them to the camp. He just did that this morning.”

“But why were the clothes so necessary?”

“If we were going to do it, we were going all the way. We wanted it to be a veritable orgy. The clothes were to make it as sexy as possible. Then, about a week ago, we both began eating less, and sneaking food out of the Mess Hall and hiding it in our trysting place between the two outhouses. I took the optional basket weaving course and wove a basket so we’d have something to carry the food. It wasn’t so bad skimping to steal the food. It didn’t matter that we were eating less, because on our once-every-two-days schedule, we were eliminating less anyway.”

“I can see where it would balance out,” Penny said. “Go on.”

“Well, today we arranged to have friends answer all the various roll calls for us. And right after the first shower this morning we sneaked off and met. Then came the most difficult part of all. We had to get past the dogs and through the barbed wire fence.”

“Barbed wire fence? Dogs? The place sounds like a concentration camp,” Penny decided. “Do they actually hold you prisoner there?”

“Of course not. The fence and the dogs are to keep intruders out, not to keep us in,” Cherry explained. “We’re in on the honor system. If we sneak out, we break the Code and if we’re caught, we’re thrown out. That’s all. But we didn’t want to get caught. And so we had to avoid the dogs and get through the fence without being seen. Malcolm was real smart about that. He discovered that the dogs were fed at the same time as the campers had their breakfast. So we got through the fence without being seen, and after that it was Paradise. Such freedom! Skipping through the woods together, playing hookey from volleyball, wading in brooks, missing sun worship, following the bread crumbs over hill and dale, avoiding immersion. Oh, it’s been worth it! I don’t care what happens!”

“Well, I do!” Malcolm had regained consciousness. “My family’s been nudists for three generations. If I get drummed out of Buffmuff, it will break my father’s heart. We’ve got to get back in without being detected.”

“That’s not going to be easy with you with a broken leg,” Penny told him. “But we can at least get to the camp. Come on, let’s put him on the litter,” Penny instructed Cherry.

They loaded him onto the makeshift stretcher. Each took an end and they moved off, following the bread crumbs. They traversed the wood in this fashion for about forty minutes.

Penny was bushed by the time Cherry called a halt. Malcolm was two hundred pounds of muscle on the hoof. It didn’t seem to bother the Amazonian Cherry, but Penny wasn’t in anything like the shape she was. Under all that pulchritude was an armada of hidden muscles.

“Why are we stopping?” Penny panted.

Malcolm and Cherry pointed together by way of answer.

Penny followed their pointing fingers and saw that they’d emerged from the trees at the edge of a clearing. At the far side of the clearing was a barbed wire fence with a couple of NO TRESPASSING signs pinned to it. The fence was about seventy-five feet long on this side and there were three towers spaced out evenly along its length.

“What are those for?” Penny indicated the towers.

“They’re guard towers. The dogs are up there. Dobermans and German Shepherds. From that height they can see anybody crossing the clearing. They’re good watchdogs. Usually just their barking is enough to scare off the peepers,” Cherry enlightened Penny.

“How the hell can you hope to cross the clearing and get back through the fence then? Won’t the dogs see you?”

“That’s the problem,” Cherry admitted.

“There’s only one way,” Malcolm said slowly, obviously thinking out loud. “See the hole in the fence there?” He gestured. “That’s where we got out. Now, these dogs have been trained to respond to visual stimuli. Specifically, they respond to clothing. They’ll bark their heads off at anyone with clothes on. But they see naked people all the time inside the colony. I don’t think they’ll distinguish between nudists on one side of the fence or the other. If we’re all nude when we cross the clearing --”

“Now, just a minute!” Penny protested. “I want to help you out, but—”

“It won’t work anyway, Malcolm,” Cherry interrupted. “Clothes or no clothes, the sight of the litter would set them off. But wait a minute! I think I have an idea. It’s him”—she jerked her thumb at Penny-—“who’d start them barking. If just the two of us, naked, crossed the clearing—I mean, they know us from around the camp anyway and—”

“You’re forgetting his broken leg,” Penny reminded her.

“No she isn’t.” Malcolm stared at Cherry with love in his eyes. “Do you think you could do it?” he asked her.

“Do what?” Penny wondered.

“Carry me,” Malcolm explained.

“Don’t be ridiculous!” Penny sneered. “How could a girl carry a big man like you all that distance?”

“You don’t know Cherry,” Malcolm answered. “She can butt a volleyball seventy-five feet with her head. She’s the most athletic girl in the camp.”

“Well, I am pretty strong,” Cherry said modestly, blushing. “I think I can do it if you’ll give me a hand getting Malcolm on my back,” she added to Penny.

Penny shrugged disbelievingly. “All right. I guess there’s no harm trying.”

Between them, Cherry and Penny got Malcolm up on one foot and propped against a tree. Cherry knelt in front of Malcolm then, her back to him. Penny helped Malcolm balance and sling the broken leg over one of Cher1y’s hips. Cherry got a firm grip on it, supporting it with one arm. Then Penny supported Malcolm’s weight while he got his other leg in front of Cherry’s other hip. She hooked it with her arm and clasped her hands. Malcolm leaned forward and wrapped both his hands around her neck. Then came the hard part. Penny helped balance Malcolm as Cherry struggled to her feet.

She stood for a moment, bracing herself, wriggling into position. Then she straightened up completely. Penny backed away and studied them. Cherry had Malcolm’s legs wrapped around her waist and supported with her arms and hips. Malcolm clung to her breasts, his hands locked around them.

“We’re all right,” Cherry panted. “I can make it easy. Thanks for your help. If you want the road, just follow the bread crumbs going that way.” She pointed.

The crumbs led along the edge of the clearing, parallel to the fence. They angled with the fence, and Penny guessed the road must be on the other side of the Buffmuff compound. But before starting out, Penny couldn’t resist watching to see if Cherry would really be able to carry Malcolm the distance.

It surely looked as if she’d do it. Naked, with the naked Malcolm on her back, she started off at a slow jog. Both their bodies jiggled rhythmically as Cherry made for the fence. They were halfway there when the first dog appeared at the edge of the nearest tower.

It was a Doberman. It looked at the naked pair merged fleshily together, moving in rhythm, and scratched its head. A second dog, a German Shepherd, appeared beside the Doberman. It also studied the piggyback nudists. The Shepherd also scratched its head. Then both dogs disappeared behind the wall of the tower.

They reappeared just as the piggyback nudists reached the barbed wire fence and started for the hole in it. Penny’s jaw dropped open at what followed! It stayed that way even after it was over!

The two dogs were carrying a medium-sized kettle between them. Each of them had a side-handle between its teeth. As the nudists, Malcolm still on Cherry’s back, both still moving rhythmically, drew abreast of the tower, the dogs tilted the kettle. A stream of ice water poured down on the naked, merged lovers!

They yelped with its coldness. The dogs barked gleefully. Justice is frequently ironical . . .

Penny’s mouth finally got around to closing. There was nothing to be done. Cherry and Malcolm would have to face the consequences of their actions. The ice water may have come late, but it had been deserved. In any case, it was really no affair of Penny’s.

So Penny followed the bread crumbs. After a while they led to a wide highway. Still the trail of bread crumbs continued. Still Penny followed them.

Some time later a truck pulled up alongside the wearily trudging figure. “Hey, mac, whatcha doin?” the driver called.

“I’m following the bread crumbs,” Penny told him.

“Dat won’t work,” the driver told Penny. “After a bit da boids eat ’em an’ den ya’ll be lost.”

“I’m lost anyway,” Penny confessed.

“Where ya goin’?”

“New York City,” Penny answered on the spur of the moment. It was the first destination to come to mind. It didn’t seem like such a bad idea. If Penny was ever going to untangle the skein of he-she existence with all its complications of theft and suicide, New York-—the place where it all seemed centered—looked like the logical place to stare-—or re-start.

“Dat’s where I’m goin’. Ya want a lift?”

“Thanks.” Penny accepted.

A couple of hours later the truck driver dropped his passenger off on Canal Street. Aimlessly, still confused, Penny ambled uptown. Reaching Washington Square Park, Penny sank wearily down on a bench.

Sitting there resting, it was a while before Penny noticed the policeman. The cop’s brow was furrowed and he stared at Penny as if trying to tie in the visage with some mug shot he’d seen posted in the precinct house. Perhaps it was only Penny’s imagination. But it spurred the fugitive to hurry from the park and down Fourth Street to Bleecker in search of some less public spot to rest. A sign pointed the arrow to just such a spot.

FREE! PSYCHODRAMA! FREE! AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION! FREE!

The sign hung over the narrow entrance to a basement. Penny, spotting a prowl car down the block, scurried inside. It was a minute before Penny’s eyes adjusted to the dimness.

During that moment Penny had been seen--and recognized--albeit squintingly. The girl in the blue denim shirt and burlap mini-skirt with the long black hair over her face started for Penny at once. One of her sneakered feet got in the way of the other and she virtually hurtled across the floor, landing in a tangle of arms and legs and tresses at Penny’s feet. “Hello, Penny.” Her greeting was breathless.