Class Dis-Mythed

Chapter Twenty-Seven

"No, for the last time, it's not illegal to use the monster from the Monster Monster Challenge as a steed," the Geek said as the All-Pervects surrounded him, shouting for justice. "There's nothing in the rule books. You can do anything you want to the monster as long as you get past it to the Final Chamber. Didn't Schlein say anything goes? Well, it does!"

"I heard them talking to that Manticore," Grunt argued. "That's collusion."

"They picked a marble at random out of the box, same as you," the Geek said, passing his hand over his horned head wearily. "It was a one-in-a-billion chance that they had met the guy before. Look, you might have known the dragon. There was one on the Troll team—you saw him. I'm sorry, fellows. The decision is final. The Sorcerer's Apprentices won. Come on, let's go back and smile for the audience. You don't want the rest of the universe to see Pervects as sore losers, do you?"

"Why the hell not?" Crasmer asked.

Bunny and I stood by as the All-Pervects let themselves be bandaged and daubed with makeup by the Geek's numerous assistants. I didn't want any trouble. I wore my most fearsome expression, which Bunny assured me looked just like Aahz with a hangover. Inside I was beaming with joy. My students had won!

Tananda and Markie seemed to shimmer into existence beside us. "Congratulations, Hero," Tananda crowed. "That was fantastic! I was all set for a big fight, but this was better! You should have seen the confusion in the ranks, there. No one knew what to do about it."

"They were all set to mop up blood," Markie pouted, still in character, "but no one liked them being friends. That's mean?

"What's next?" I asked.

Bunny held up one finger. "Only the final ordeal, to see who wins the grand prize."

"Ordeal?" I swallowed nervously. "What kind of ordeal?"

"Well, it varies," Tananda said. "On Zurik it was whoever could dodge the most bullets. That got a little messy, even for Gnomes. Mmm, I can't remember what Sink or Swim: Mantico did."

"That was the great Lightning Battle," Markie giggled.

"These all sound kinda fatal," I said.

It came back to my friends that they were dealing this time with people that they knew. That put a different face on the subject.

"All we can do is hope for the best," Bunny said.

"I think we can do better than that," I said. "I'll just remind him that for every one of those kids who gets hurt, I'll pull off one of his limbs."

A drum roll came from the invisible orchestra. Schlein stepped forward.

"And, now, for the final contest, for the all-over winner, the being who will be awarded a once-in-a-lifetime job with Mistress Monestruc, we present The Final Ordeal! As always, the fairness of this contest will be decided by Frankenmuth, Spalanade and Rockrose, our accountants." Three Sittacomedians in blue suits and striped ties stepped forward.

"Does anyone know what we're going to be doing?" Freezia asked. "I'm still tired from the last couple of stunts."

"Will it be like any of those?" Bee asked.

"It could be worse," Melvine said grimly. "I remember one on Trollia where the players threw knives at each other."

Tananda scoffed. "That one was nothing. Bronze knives that didn't go even two inches into the contestants' fur."

"Well, maybe that's so," Bee said. "So the contest might be geared to the team itself?"

"But we're not the home team," Freezia pointed out. "We might get through it, but you're not Pervects."

"I won't hurt any of you," Jinetta insisted. "You're my friends!"

"Whatever happens," Pologne said stolidly, "if I win and any of you survive, I'll give you all jobs—if I have any hiring authority."

"If I make it, I'll heal evetyone," Tolk swore.

Emotions were having a battle royal on Melvine's face. "I really want to win this, guys. But I'll do it fairly, I promise."

"I'll throw it, if I have to," Bee said. "I can't hurt my team. What would Sergeant Swatter say?"

I cleared my throat and turned it into a growl. "He'd say do your best, and play fair."

"Gosh, you're right, sir. You must know Swatter pretty well."

"I do," I said, clearing my throat uncomfortably. "And I know the kind of people he'd pick for a squad. Do what you think he would do."

Bee grinned unexpectedly. "He'd figure out some way everybody could come out of it alive, sir. And Master Skeeve would figure out a way we could all win."

"I—He sure would. Good luck, kid. Good luck to all of you."

"Thanks, Aahz," they chorused.

Schlein struck a pose. "Step forward the Sorcerer's Apprentices!"

The team appeared in a spotlight. They were holding one another's hands and looking young and scared.

We all went up to sit in the bubble with the Geek. The Sorcerer's Apprentices were a team. I was proud of them. In fact, I was sort of proud of me. They had absorbed what I'd been trying to hammer into them about teamwork and delegation and finding their own strengths. I guess I'd done it right. Whatever happened from now on was all their own. I wished them victory.

Schlein swooped in upon the cluster of students and peered at the audience over their shoulders.

"The Sorcerer's Apprentices will decide The Final Question with a killer round of Rock Paper Scissors!"

I gawked.

"Rock-Paper-Scissors?" I looked at the Geek. "After all those brutal rounds?"

The Deveel laughed at me. "You must not watch the show much," he said, leaning back and snapping his fingers. A crystal decanter rose out of a drawer and poured him a dram. "If it looks like the home team is favored, we always have a nonlethal competition set up. The ratings drop pretty badly if we kill off the locals."

"Yeah, but that's a kiddie game. You're insulting your audience."

"S—Aahz!" Bunny said. "You want something more dangerous?"

I waved away her protest. My businessman instincts had kicked in.

"Won't this be the opposite of what they expect?"

The Geek sat up. 'You think this won't get lively? Watch how we do it. Special effects! Music! Lighting! And there's Schlein giving the live commentary. The man's worth his weight—er, a LOT in gold."

The audience was already chanting. "We want the champion! We want the champion!"

"You all know the rules," the Sittacomedian instructed the group. "As soon as the count is complete, present your hand. We're playing this for—sudden death!"

I gulped.

The Geek snorted. "That just means it's not a round-robin contest, Aahz."

"Oh," I said in a small voice.

"Ready—play!"

Spotlights chased around the floor, and sweeping orchestral music boomed up.

"One two three!" the Sorcerer's Apprentices chanted. Pinpoint spots lit their hands individually. Two were holding paper. Three of the others were holding rocks. One had a scissors. Images of parchment scrolls, glittering gemstones, and one pair of gleaming shears overlay the students' hands. The shears attacked one scroll. The remaining parchment covered one gem. The other two gems moved to smash the scissors.

"Tolk, out! Freezia, out! Bee, out!"

BOOM boom boom, came from the drums.

"Three at once," the Geek crowed. "This is great."

I groaned with disappointment for the three students who walked, shoulders hunched, away into the darkness. The music struck up again, more tense than before. The Geek was right: it was thrilling.

The remaining three—Pologne, Jinetta and Melvine—eyed one another suspiciously. Melvine tried to fake out the others.

"One two—not ready," he said, drawing his hand back.

"Stop that!" Pologne snapped.

"We will go on three," Jinetta said firmly. "No hesitation. Ready?"

"Oh, all right," Melvine said sulkily.

"One two three!"

"Paper!" Schlein announced. "Identical choices!" Three rolls of parchment hovered in between the group.

"One two three!"

"Scissors!" Three pairs of scissors.

"Paper!" Three scrolls.

"This is remarkable," Bunny said. "The odds of all of them choosing the same item three times running is—"

"Nine hundred seventy-two to one," the Geek said, rubbing his hands together. "Hold on, I've got to get some action going on this."

He leaned over one of the crystal balls on his desk and started talking to the Deveel who popped up in it. I ignored the complicated negotiations as I watched my students eying one another.

"Rock!" Three gemstones twirled and threw colored lights on their faces.

"Paper!"

"Paper!"

"Scissors!"

"Incredible," Tananda said. "How long can they go on like that?"

"I want to assure you, ladies and gentlemen," the smooth voice of Schlein said, "that there is no collusion between these three individuals. What you are seeing here is unique in the history of Sink or Swim."

"Paper!"

"Rock!"

But even phenomena had to end sooner or later. Pologne stuck her hand out with two fingers parted.

"Scissors!" she cried.

"Rock!" chorused Melvine and Jinetta.

"Ooooh," said the audience.

The music rose chillingly. Pologne stared at her hand with an expression of utter betrayal just before the spotlight cut off, leaving her in darkness.

Melvine hunched over and faced Jinetta. "Just you and me now, doll," he said.

"Go," Jinetta said. "One two three."

"Rock!" Once again, they chose the same item. The audience was cheering wildly. The fireflies were drawing hearts, flowers and fireworks.

"Paper!"

"Scissors!"

"Scissors!"

"Rock!" Melvine shouted, shoving a fist into the light.

"Sciss—"Jinetta realized even before she finished the word that she had chosen a loser. "Scissors."

The orchestra rose into a triumphant fanfare. Schlein rushed over to grab Melvine around the shoulders.

"Congratulations, Melvine! You are the winner of Sink or Swim: Perv!"

"Me?" he asked, in a voice that rose to a squeak.

He looked dazed.

"Snap out of it, kid," Schlein hissed at him.

Melvine looked up at him in astonishment. Schlein beamed.

"Come on over here, Cupy. You're setting out on a whole new life. Tell all of us how you feel!"

For the first time since I had met him, the Cupy guy was lost for words.

"Well, sir, I promise I will do my best, uh, especially if I have my friends around me."

He glanced over at the team as the lights came up on the rest of the Sorcerer's Apprentices. Pologne and Freezia were sulking a little, but offered sickly smiles when the spotlights hit them.

"I'm sure you will," Schlein said.

Suddenly the two of them were surrounded by magicians wielding crystal balls to catch every angle.

"And, now, I want to bring out the woman who is the unseen presence behind Sink or Swim. Will you welcome the elusive, the marvelous, the very rich Mistress Montestruc!"

A narrow way opened to admit a tall and formidable-looking woman with thick auburn hair.

"Congratulations, Melvine," she said, patting him on the head. "You are a very interesting person. I have been watching you since the contest began. Your audacity and confidence interest me. I don't like yes-men, and I don't like people who can't think for themselves. Therefore, I am giving you an assignment that will be a challenge. I'm making you the Chief Executive Officer of one of my favorite business enterprises, Brandex!"

I joined the audience in a general gasp. Who hadn't heard of Brandex? It manufactured a little of everything you could find in almost every store in every dimension I'd ever been. Most small magikal goods probably had "Brandex" imprinted somewhere. They weren't necessarily the top of the line, but they were fairly sound and usually cheap to buy.

"I'm putting you into a position of authority with full hiring and firing power. You'll have some tough decisions to make. You're expected to make a profit, of course. What do you say?"

"Can I hire my own executive staff?" Melvine asked at once.

The great lady laughed, and the audience joined in, urged by Schlein and the fireflies.

"Of course," she said. "Why do you ask?"

Melvine looked uncharacteristically modest. "Well, maybe you didn't notice, but I'm not the natural leader of my team. Jinetta is. I only won by a stroke of luck. I'm not the best researcher like Pologne, or the best magician in the group like Freezia. I'll never be as courageous or organized as Bee or as compassionate as Tolk. In fact, if you rolled them together, you'd have a much better CEO than you'd get out of me. That's the truth. I want them on my team. I'd never have gotten here if not for all of them. If I can't have them," his face screwed up as if he was about to start crying, "I don't want the job."

"Of course you may hire them," Mistress Montestruc said. "I will be pleased to have such talented people on my payroll."

Melvine sighed, and his shoulders slumped. "That's a relief."

The shoulders, and his head, continued to drop downward.

"What is happening to him?" the lady cried. "He is shrinking!"

Markie burst through the crowd to hug her nephew.

"You did it!" She hugged him. "You must have broken the mental block that was keeping you a big baby. You're normal size again!"

Melvine looked down at himself. He stood about two and a half feet tall, much more in proportion to his looks than he had at four feet. His new, tiny body swam in the jumpsuit.

"Yeah!" he cheered, jumping up to punch the sky. "I'm the Cupy! I'm the Cupy!"

Reporters crowded in to interview the winner. Melvine floated up to hover over their heads in the oversized garment, cracking jokes and generally basking in the attention. Markie stayed nearby to keep an eye on him.

The magicians stepped back to view the Geek as he came over to shake hands with the All-Pervects. We followed him out onto the arena floor.

"Sorry you didn't manage to achieve a victory on home soil," he told them. His face was full of genuine regret. I was willing to bet it was for the lost bets, not the disappointed Pervects. "But you know, there's only one prize on Sink or Swim. Thanks for playing."

"Yeah, thanks a lot," Crasmer said shortly. "Come on, guys. Let's go get drunk."

"Yeah."

"And there they go, your home team!" Schlein announced, as a spotlight hit them.

Not bothering to turn around to acknowledge the cheers and applause, the, All-Pervects stamped off the stage.