Desperate Measures

5

Daylight and voices woke him. Those who’d remained all night in the waiting room were rousing themselves. Others, whose friends or relatives had evidently just been admitted to intensive care, were trying to acquaint themselves with their new surroundings.

Pittman sat up wearily, concentrated to clear his head, and stood slowly with effort. The combination of the hard floor and his previous day’s exertion made his muscles ache. After he folded the blanket and put it and the pillow into the cabinet, he draped his overcoat over an arm, concealing the heavy bulge of the.45 in his right pocket.

A hospital volunteer brought in a cart of coffee, orange juice, and doughnuts. Noticing a sign that said PAY WHAT YOU CAN, Pittman couldn’t find any more change in his pockets. Sean O’Reilly had lent him twenty dollars, and Pittman guiltily put in one of those dollars, drank two cups of orange juice, ate two doughnuts, and suddenly was afraid that he would throw up. In a washroom down the hall, he splashed cold water on his face, looked at his pasty complexion in the mirror, touched his beard stubble, and felt demoralized. How can I possibly keep going? he thought.

The suicide that he had almost committed four nights earlier beckoned.

Why bother trying? I’m in so much trouble, I can never get out of it, he thought. Even if I do get out of it, Jeremy will still be dead. What’s the point? Nothing’s worth what I’m going through.

You can’t let the bastards destroy you. Remember what you told yourself-it has to be your idea, not theirs. If you kill yourself now, you’ll be giving them what they want. You’ll be letting them win. Don’t let the sons of bitches have that satisfaction.

A short, dreary-looking man whom Pittman recognized from the waiting room came into the washroom, took off his shirt, chose the sink next to Pittman, opened a travel kit, lathered his face, and began to shave.

“Say, you wouldn’t have another one of those disposable razors, would you?” Pittman asked.

“Do what I did, buddy. Go down to the shop in the lobby and buy one.