Divine Misfortune

3

The next morning, Teri slipped in the shower. It wasn’t a serious fall, though she did bruise her tailbone and skin her calf on the faucet. Phil’s car had a flat tire, and when he tried to change it, he ended up stripping the lug nuts. Teri gave him a ride to work. She spilled coffee on her lap. It didn’t burn, but it did ruin her favorite skirt.

“I’ll pick you up around six,” she said as she gave him a kiss. “Love ya, babe.”

“Love you, too.” He stepped onto the curb, and she pulled away, tearing off the end of his sleeve, which was stuck in her door.

Grumbling, Phil trudged into the building. Hank, the security guard, remarked on Phil’s appearance. Some kind of joke that Phil didn’t catch, but he nodded and smiled anyway. As he was signing in, the pen broke. More accurately, it exploded, splattering his fingers and shirt with blue ink.

“Son of a…”

Hank handed Phil some paper towels. “Looks like you’re having one of those days, huh?”

Phil dabbed at the mess with the towels, accomplishing nothing. “What?”

“Hey, we all have them. One of those days when everything goes wrong.”

Phil lowered the towel.

“Something wrong?” asked Hank.

“No, everything’s fine. Excuse me. I have to make a phone call.”

His cell battery was dead.

Phil stopped at the row of elevators. People pushed past him, but he hesitated. So far the bad luck had been minor, but he saw no reason to tempt the wrath of his new god by getting into an elevator.

He took the stairs. One step at a time, very slowly, with a death grip on the railing. He made it to his cubicle without tearing any more clothes or breaking any bones.

Elliot peered over the cubicle’s edge. “Geez, buddy, you look like hell.”

“Long story.” Phil searched his wallet, but couldn’t find Lucky’s card.

“How’d that god search go?” asked Elliot. “Did you and Teri find one you agreed on?”

Phil nodded.

“So you did it?” Elliot came around and sat on Phil’s desk. “You actually did it.” Yes.

“I didn’t think you’d actually follow through with it, buddy.

I mean, I thought you might, but I was sure you weren’t going to be able to get Teri to commit.”

“She saw a miracle cat,” said Phil.

Elliot chuckled. He took a bite of his doughnut. Jelly squirted out and struck Phil in the eye.

“Dude, I am so sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“How’s it working out?” asked Elliot.

Phil wiped the jelly from his face. “Not so great. I think I’ve been smote.”

“Already? That has to be a record.” Elliot tried to act casual, but exited the cubicle, continuing the conversation from a distance. “Should I be on the lookout for lightning bolts?”

“I don’t think it’s as serious as that,” said Phil. “My god isn’t that type.”

“Just the same, buddy, you should probably appease him before it’s too late. This kind of thing can get out of hand quickly. Did Teri catch any divine wrath?”

“I think so.”

“Bet she’s not happy about that.”

“I’ll let you know.”

Elliot went back to his cubicle, and Phil dialed Teri’s cell number. She didn’t answer. Her battery was probably dead, too. He decided not to panic. There was no need for it yet. All the smiting had been annoying, a string of bad luck from an angry prosperity god. Nothing life-threatening to this point.

His imagination worked against him. He could see the wheel coming off her car, sending her skidding into the path of a speeding semi. Or her tripping at the top of a flight of stairs and falling. Or getting electrocuted by a fax machine. Or a million other grim possibilities. It was all luck in the end. If probability had it in for you, there wasn’t much you could do to stop it.

He pushed aside his concerns and let work occupy his thoughts. He kept glancing at the clock. A minute after she should’ve made it to work, he called. She wasn’t there yet.

He waited fifteen minutes, then called again. Teri still wasn’t in.

Phil started getting nervous.

“Problem, buddy?” asked Elliot, his head poking above the cubicle partition.

“It’s nothing.”

“Are you sure? You aren’t typing. Normally, the clickity-click of your keyboard is like a machine gun.”

Phil’s hands rested in his lap. “It’s fine.”

But it wasn’t fine. He should’ve listened to Teri when she said no to getting a god. And he shouldn’t have listened to her when she’d said she’d changed her mind. Now she was the victim of an angry raccoon god, and it was all his fault. If he hadn’t brought it up in the first place then everything would have been fine.

The phone rang. He answered it so fast, he didn’t even realize it was to his ear until he heard Teri’s voice.

“Phil, has something gone wrong? Are you okay?”

He slumped in his chair and blew out a calming breath. “I’m good.” He pondered the jelly and ink stains on his shirt as he formulated his next sentence. If Teri hadn’t figured out what was happening by now, there was no reason to upset her. He could appease Lucky on his own time, and she might never know.

“I just called to say I love you,” he said.

“Uh-huh. Love you, too.”

The line was silent as Teri formulated her own reply.

“So we’ve been smote, right?”

“I’m fairly certain we have been,” he agreed.

“Damn. And to think I was feeling sorry for that little bastard.”

Phil winced. “Honey, I don’t think it’s a good idea to profane our new god right now.”

“Sorry. I knew this was a bad idea. Why didn’t you talk me out of it?”

“Why did you talk me into it?” he replied.

“We have to fix it. Maybe we could renounce him.”

Phil said, “I don’t know. That costs a lot of money. Lawyers in the Divine Court aren’t cheap. Plus it takes time. Sometimes months.”

He imagined having another day like this, one right after another. Even if it didn’t eventually kill him, he wasn’t looking forward to it. Teri had the same thought.

“So we appease him, right?” she asked. “That shouldn’t be too hard. He said we could just call him when we were ready to commit.”

“I left the number at the house.”

“Why did you do that?”

“I didn’t do it on purpose,” he said through clenched teeth. “It was just some bad luck.”

“I suppose you’re going to blame Lucky for that, too.”

“This is no big deal,” he said. “We can handle this. It’s just one bad day. Tonight, you’ll pick me up-”

“Yes, about that. Someone else will have to take you home tonight. I ran over a hubcap, and it broke my axle.”

“Damn it, do you know how much that’s going to cost us?”

“More than a jar of pennies,” she replied. “I don’t want to talk about it. I just want this fixed. Now.”

He heard a thud on the line.

“Ow, son of a bitch! My paperweight just dropped on my foot. Jeez, that hurts. Phil…”

“I’ll take care of it. Don’t worry.”

“Make it quick, okay?” she said. “I have an important meeting at two and I know if I end up setting the boardroom on fire it’ll probably earn me a write-up.”

He hung up and tried to save his work. Sickly green filled his monitor and smoke rose from his computer. Phil quickly unplugged it.

Elliot popped up. “Do I smell something burning?”

Phil waved away the smoke. “I need to borrow your car.”

Elliot narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “Why don’t you have yours?”

“Flat tire.”

“This isn’t wrath-related, is it?”

Phil considered lying, but he wasn’t very good at it. “Maybe.”

“Forget it.”

“Remember that time I caught you and Ginger in the broom closet during the vernal equinox party?” said Phil. “And your wife was about to discover you, too, if I hadn’t stalled her, if I remember right.”

“That’s no fair. I was drunk. It was just a little making out anyway. Nothing serious.”

“I’m sure Amy would’ve been fine with seeing you and Ginger dry-humping next to the mops.”

Elliot threw his keys at Phil.

“We’re even now. But please be careful with that car. I just bought it, and my insurance doesn’t cover acts of gods.”