East

Rose

DURING THE DAYS THAT followed, I felt nervy, jangled. I jumped at the slightest noise and could not concentrate on anything for longer than a minute or two.

We were all on edge.

Father forbade any discussion of the white bear and his request. I could hear him quarreling about it at night with Mother. They tried to keep their voices low, but one night I could not help overhearing what they said.

"I will not sacrifice one daughter for another," Father said.

"'Tis not a matter of that," Mother replied. "And if we do nothing, Sara will surely die."

"What makes you so certain that this white bear will heal Sara?"

Mother spoke softly in reply and I could not make out the words.

But then Father cut into the low rumble of her voice. "Are you truly willing to put Rose's life in the hands of a wild creature of the north for a questionable promise of miracles? It is folly. If Rose goes with the white bear, we will surely never see her again. To barter her life for Sara's health—well, it is not even a matter for debate;"

As the seven days passed, Sara got no worse, but neither did she get better. The local healer said there was nothing more we could do other than continue the herbal infusions we had been giving her. We went about the business of readying ourselves for the move to neighbor Torsk's farm until such time as we would hear from Father's family.

I thought mostly of the white bear; I could think of little else. And I had made up my mind that despite my father's objections, I must accept the bear's offer.

I tried speaking about it with Neddy one afternoon as we folded our meager supply of linens into a trunk.

"I will go with the white bear," I blurted out.

Neddy looked at me with horror.

"I cannot stand by and let Sara die," I continued, my words spilling over one another in my haste to make Neddy understand, "not when there is something I can do to prevent it."

"Rose," Neddy implored, "you must not even consider it!"

"And the bear has said that he will take away this poverty into which we have sunk," I said, ignoring him. "Just think, Neddy, Father could make maps again. And you, you could go to Bergen and study with scholars, the way you have always dreamed."

"No!" Neddy said forcefully. "Even if the creature could bring such a thing to be, it would not be worth the price you must pay."

I was silent. I could see that talking it out with Neddy would be fruitless. I must keep my thoughts and plans to myself.

Aside from the more logical reasons for going with the white bear, I had another reason. And that was simply that I wanted to go. It was madness, I knew, to consider going off into unknown lands with a wild beast that would most likely devour me at journey's end. I did not want to die. And yet, I wanted to go.

I knew Father would never agree to it.

As for Mother, it confused me to hear her arguing in favor of accepting the white bear's offer. Did she love me so little? If it were Elise the bear had asked for, would Mother have been so eager to hand her over?

On the sixth day after the visit of the white bear, I returned early from Widow Hautzig's. As I entered the outer room of the farmhouse, I chanced to hear Father and Mother talking loudly from inside the great room. I thought they were arguing again, and was on the verge of making my presence known to them when I heard Father say, his voice anguished, "It is nonsense, I know, but I keep thinking that it is the lie of Rose's birth that is behind this."

Lie? I felt the hairs on my neck rise.

Mother's voice came back, sharp. "There is no lie. She is Ebba Rose."

"Eugenia, she is no east child. You and I both know it."

"She is Ebba Rose." The words were said slowly, implacably, as if to a half-wit.

"No," and Father's voice was loud. "She is Nyamh."

"Nyamh?" There was a pause. "She is not Nyamh." Mother's voice was now cold. "I thought you did not even believe in birth direction. Superstition, you always say."

"Nor do I," Father answered. "At least I did not think I did. My mind is all turned around these days. But I will tell you, when I first held her I looked into her eyes and she was Nyamh. And I have always called her so, in my heart."

The tangled truth behind my father's words began to unravel itself inside me.

Nyamh begins with an N. North. I had been conceived to take Elise's place. But I was a north bairn. I had filled my own place on the compass rose. I felt a great excitement stir in my chest. And then, great anger. My breath grew short and my cheeks were flaming.

My father and mother had lied to me all those years. I moved toward them, without thinking, and in doing so my elbow caught a wooden bowl, which clattered to the floor.

"Who's that? Is someone there?" called Father. Suddenly I did not want to see their faces. Not then. I needed to think. I bolted out of the house, refastening my cloak against the cold autumn day.

As I ran I became aware that, in addition to the anger, a sense of exhilaration was growing in me, the feeling of a puzzle piece falling into place. I was a north. It was obvious. No wonder Mother had tried so hard to keep me close, to mold me into another Elise.

Mother's feelings about north people were well known to us all. Every time she heard of some wild or destructive act by a stranger, she would inevitably shake her head with disapproval and say, "That's a north-born, mark my words."

I knew that my birth had come on suddenly on a stormy afternoon. Mother must have fabricated a truth she could live with. And Father had gone along with it. "The lie of Rose's birth ... Nyamh."

I felt as though I no longer knew my parents. Or myself.

Then I thought of the wind rose Father had designed for me. It was a lie as well. I tore off the cloak I had made and spread it on the ground.

I knelt by the design. Yes, there was the sun rising. But the white form I had always thought to be a cloud was a bear. I could see it now, upside down. White bear, isbjorn, stood for north. Father had not been able to help himself. The truth was there, too. Truth and lie, side by side.

Nyamh. He called me Nyamh when first he held me as a babe. Ebba was a lie. I had never liked the name Ebba, I thought, smiling grimly to myself. Was Rose a lie, too? No, Rose was at the center of the wind rose. One need be no direction at all to be Rose.

And then it struck me. Did anyone else know? Was it just Mother and Father's secret, or...? Did Neddy know?

For some reason I had to find out.

Neddy was at our neighbor's, helping repair a fence. I picked up my cloak and draped it over my arm. I did not want to wear it anymore. Shivering, I began making my way in the direction of Torsk's farm.