Egypt

32

As we lay together once more, beside the lit lamp, a memory flashed through my mind of men and women, dazed with dreams, lying together in dark shadows. And then suddenly a woman’s face, sorrowful, rose in my mind’s eye, looking at me sadly. It was my wife, Tanefert. A door back to my old life opened briefly, and the pain of what I had done, as I recognized it in her eyes, touched me. But then the golden bliss persuaded me away into its glorious light, I felt my bones soften, my skin become light, and long waves of pleasure began to pass through me.

Much later, I awoke in the dark. The oil lamp had gone out. Suddenly I was certain someone else was in the room. I heard a sound, like a small laugh. I listened to the silence, my nerves straining. The darkness seemed alive, shifting with presences. I sat up.

‘Who’s there?’ I whispered.

Again the strange little sound-laughter, or perhaps something moving in the dark like a tiny animal. My skin prickled. I stared into the blackness, seeing brief stars of light, and passing patterns of colour; and then I made out a small, dark shape standing at the edge of the couch. I stared harder. A little face suddenly swam out of the shadows: my son. Amenmose. He looked at me, and I was so happy to see him; but he was not smiling.

‘When can we go fishing, Father?’ he whispered.

I heard the words, but his mouth didn’t move at all. He began to cry, and as he did so, his face crumbled and began to dissolve before my eyes. Fear like freezing water poured down my body. I leapt up to catch him, but he was gone, vanished; and in the darkness I suddenly discovered something else waiting at my feet. It was heavy. I lifted it up. Khety’s dead head was in my hands. His eyes were shut, but his mouth was wide open, a sticky brick of opium wedged in it, and he was screaming with rage-

Inanna had her arms around me. I was shaking and shouting, my breath jagged, panic trapped like a wild animal in my chest. My legs moved madly, as if spiders were running all over them. I pushed her off, and ran across the room, desperate to escape; I threw the doors open, and ran down a passageway, hitting walls, feeling nothing, until suddenly I found myself in the compound yard. I looked up. The moon was high in the sky. Her bony white light illuminated the figures passed out on the ground; but these began to rise up before me, muttering, their hands reaching out to catch me. I ran towards the compound gates, but suddenly Inanna was standing there before me. I stopped. She came towards me, but I panicked again; then someone gripped me from behind, and dragged me to the ground. I heard myself screaming from far away, and I heard laughter and curses. And then I was trussed like a captured animal by my wrists and ankles, and carried back inside, back into Inanna’s chamber. She made me lie down beside her, and she soothed me. I knew what I needed to restore me to peace: a new draught of golden liquid. She prepared it for me, and like a baby I took it; and I once more let go of the world, and entered the golden light. And somewhere deep inside me, I knew I was now truly lost.