Finger Lickin’ Fifteen

NINETEEN

CONNIE, LULA, GRANDMA, and I eased into the crowd that was slowly making its way past the cook-off teams.

“Look at this group,” Grandma said. “They’ve got one of them drums for cookin’ a pig.”

I couldn’t see the drum. The drum was lost behind my hot dog skin. I turned to look and bumped into a kid.

“The hot dog stepped on me,” the kid said.

“Sorry,” I said. “Excuse me.” I stepped to the side and knocked a woman over.

Connie picked the woman up. “It’s her first time as a hot dog,” Connie told the woman. “Cut her some slack.”

Lula had me by my bun, steering me forward. “Watch out for the hot dog,” she was telling people. “Make way for the hot dog.”

“I think I’m getting the hang of this,” I said to Lula. “I’m okay as long as I only go forward.”

Lula’s grip tightened on my arm. “It’s him.”

“Who?”

“The Chipotle killer. Marco the Maniac.”

“Where?”

“Up there in front of us. The guy who’s all dressed up in a cheap suit.”

I squinted through the hot dog skin. I couldn’t see a guy in a suit. “Does he have a cleaver?”

“No. He’s got an ice-cream cone.”

Lula hauled her gun out of her purse. “Hey! Marco the Maniac!” she yelled at him. “Hold it right there. I’m making a citizen’s arrest.”

Marco looked around, spotted Lula, and froze.

“Guess it’s not so funny when he don’t have his cleaver,” Lula said.

A family walked between us and Marco, and Marco threw his ice-cream cone down and took off.

“He’s running away,” Lula said. “After him!”

After him? Was she kidding?

Lula had one side of my costume, Connie had the other, and I could feel Grandma pushing from behind.

“Wait,” I said. “I can’t run. I can’t…” CRASH. I knocked over a prep table. “Sorry!”

Lula kept dragging me. “He’s going for the parking lot,” Lula said.

“I see him,” Connie said. “He’s getting into that silver BMW. Who’s got a car here?”

“What about your car?” Grandma asked.

“It’s way on the other side of the lot.”

I wriggled my arm out of the armhole and pulled the keys to the cab out of my pants pocket. “I’ve got the keys to the cab.”

Connie got behind the wheel, Lula sat next to her, and Grandma got into the backseat. I tried to sit next to Grandma, but I couldn’t get all of me in. Everyone jumped out and ran around to my side and pushed and shoved.

“She’s too fat,” Grandma said. “She don’t fit in the door.”

“Bend the bun,” Connie said. “There’s too much bun.”

“Stand back,” Lula said. And she put her butt to me and rammed me in.

Everyone rushed back into the car, Connie rocketed out of the parking place and whipped around the lot. “I see him,” she said. “He turned left out of the park.”

“If you get close enough to him, I can shoot out his tires,” Lula said.

“Yeah, me, too,” Grandma said. “You take the right-side tires,” she said to Lula, “and I’ll take the left-side tires.”

We were on a two-lane road that ran for almost a mile before hooking up with a four-lane highway.

“I can’t catch him in this cab,” Connie said after a half mile. “I’ve got it floored, and we’re losing him.” Her eyes flicked to her side mirror. “Crap,” she said. “It’s a cop.”

Lula and Grandma stuffed their guns back into their purses, and Connie popped the button on her shirt so she showed more cleavage. She pulled over, and the cop stopped behind her, lights flashing. We’d crossed the line, and we were in Hamilton Township. I didn’t know any of the Hamilton Township police.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?” the cop asked Connie.

Connie leaned back to give him a good look at the girls. “Because you couldn’t catch the guy in front of me?”

“We were trying to run down a killer,” Grandma said. “And the hot dog is a personal friend of Joe Morelli.”

“Morelli is the reason my bowling team lost the trophy,” the cop said. “I hate Morelli.”

MORELLI WAS WAITING for us when we rolled into the cook-off lot. Lula had called him and told him about Marco the Maniac, and now Morelli was leaning against his SUV, watching Connie park the cab. Lula and Connie and Grandma got out, but I was stuck.

“What are you, some superhero?” Lula asked Morelli. “How’d you get here so fast?”

“I was already here. We have some men on site.” Morelli looked into the cab. “There’s a hot dog in the backseat.”

“It’s Stephanie,” Grandma said. “She’s stuck. Her bun’s too big.”

“Gotta cut back on the dessert,” Morelli said.

“Very funny,” I said to him. “Just get me out of here.”

Morelli pulled me out of the cab and gave me the once-over. “What are you doing in a hot dog suit?”

“It was supposed to be a sparerib, but the costume shop was all out, so the best we could get was a hot dog.”

“Yeah, that makes sense,” Morelli said. “What have you got in your hand?”

“We got stopped by Officer Hardass. Connie got a speeding ticket, and I got a ticket for not wearing a seat belt. I was in the backseat. Do you have to wear a seat belt in the backseat?”

Morelli took the ticket from me and put it in his pocket. “Not if you’re a hot dog.”

“I hope we didn’t miss Al Roker,” Grandma said.

Morelli looked over at her. “Al Roker?”

“He’s bringing a whole crew with him, and he’s going to film the cook-off, and we’re going to be on television,” Grandma said.

“It’s not Al Roker,” Morelli said. “It’s Al Rochere. He’s got a cooking show on some cable channel.”

“How do you know that?” Lula said. “They could both be coming.”

“I have a list of media and celebrities present,” Morelli said. “There’s extra security for this event because of the Chipotle murder.”

“Look at the time,” Grandma said. “We gotta get the ribs going.”

Connie, Lula, and Grandma set off power-walking across the field. I tried to follow, but I walked into a trash can and fell over.

“Oops,” I said.

Morelli looked down at me. “Are you okay?”

“I can’t see in this stupid suit.”

Morelli picked me up. “Would you like me to get you out of this thing?”

“Yes!”

He worked at the zipper in the back and finally peeled me out of the hot dog suit. “You’re soaking wet,” he said.

“It was hot in the suit.”

Morelli wrapped an arm around me and shuffled me off to a booth selling cook-off gear. He bought me a T-shirt, a hat, and a sweatshirt, stuffed the hot dog suit into a bag, and sent me to the ladies’ room to change.

“This feels much better,” I said to him when I came out. “Thanks.”

“You look better, too.”

“Out of Rangeman black?”

“Yeah.” Morelli wrapped his arms around me. “I miss you. Bob misses you. My grandmother misses you.”

“Your grandmother hates me.”

“True. She misses hating you.” Morelli straightened the hat on my head. “Maybe I could learn to like peanut butter.”

“You don’t have to like peanut butter. Just stop yelling at me.”

“That’s the way my family communicates.”

“Find another way to communicate. And why are we arguing all the time? We argue over everything.”

“I think it’s because we aren’t having enough sex.”

“And that’s another thing. Why are you so obsessed with sex?”

“Because I don’t get any?”

I tried not to laugh, but I couldn’t help myself. “I guess that could do it.”

I saw flames shoot into the sky and then black smoke.

“It looks like Lula fired up the grill,” I said to Morelli. “I should get back to them.”

We made our way through the crowd, back to the Flamin’ kitchen. The guy from the kitchen next to us was standing with the fire extinguisher in his hand, shaking his head.

“Unbelievable,” he said. “You moved the canopy back, and then you set your ribs on fire and torched your hat.”

Lula still had the hat on her head, but the top was all black and smoking, and foam dripped off the hat onto Lula’s white chef coat.

“Looks to me like the ribs are done,” Grandma said, peering over the grill at the charred bones. “You think they need more sauce?”

“I think they need a decent burial,” Connie said.

The rusted bottom of the grill gave way, and everything fell out onto the ground.

“Don’t that beat all,” Grandma said.

Morelli’s cell phone buzzed. He walked away to talk, and when he returned he was smiling.

“They caught Marco,” he said. “He was trying to get to the airport in Philly. He’s being brought back to Trenton.”

“Do we get the reward?” Lula wanted to know. “We gave information that got him captured.”

“I don’t know,” Morelli said. “That’s up to the company offering the reward.”

“The barbecue sauce company,” Lula said. “The one with the picture of Chipotle on the jar. Fire in the Hole sauce.”

“Yep.”

“What about the other moron?” Lula said. “What about the guy who was always shooting at me?”

“Marco fingered him the minute he was caught. Zito Dudley. Marco said as far as he knew, Dudley was still on the cook-off grounds.”

“We gotta find Dudley before anyone else,” Lula said. “Or we might have to split the reward, bein’ that there were two killers and only one million dollars. We should spread out, and if you see him, shoot him.”

“I wouldn’t mind shooting him, but I don’t know what he looks like,” Grandma said.

“He looks sort of like the Maniac,” Lula said. “Only shorter.”

“Dudley sounds familiar,” Connie said. “I just saw that name somewhere. Zito Dudley. Zito Dudley.”

The fire-extinguisher guy was basting the ribs on his grill. He looked over when Connie said Zito Dudley.

“Zito Dudley is presenting the check to the winner of the cook-off,” he said. “He’s associated with Chipotle’s barbecue sauce.”

Lula’s eyes went wide. “Get out. That wiener is part of Chipotle’s company?”

“It’s not actually Chipotle’s company,” the guy said. “Chipotle got money for putting his name on the jar. The company is owned by someone else.” He reached behind him to his prep table, grabbed the cook-off program, and handed it to Lula. “His picture is in here. It’s on the last page. He’s standing with the cook-off committee.”

We all looked at the picture of Dudley.

“That’s him, all right,” Lula said. “Nasty little bastard.”

Morelli was on his phone talking to his partner, feeding him the information, asking for more men.

Something was causing a disturbance on the opposite side of the field. We all craned our necks and stood tall to see what the noise and movement was about. People were parting in front of us, and suddenly a man burst out of the crowd. He was running for all he was worth, and Joyce was chasing him in her high-heeled boots.

“It’s him,” Lula said. “It’s Dudley!”

They got even with our booth, and Joyce launched herself into the air and tackled Zito Dudley. Lula rushed in, pulled Joyce off Dudley, and grabbed his foot.

“He’s mine,” Lula said.

Joyce kicked Lula in the leg and wrestled Dudley away from her. Lula put a neck lock on Joyce, and they went down to the ground, kicking and clawing and cussing, taking Dudley with them. There was a gunshot, and Joyce yelped and flopped onto the ground, blood oozing from her red leather bustier.

Morelli had his gun drawn, but Dudley was on his feet, holding a gun to Lula’s head.

“Drop your gun,” Dudley said.

Connie, Grandma, Morelli, the guys next to us, and several passersby all dropped their guns.

“You won’t get anywhere,” Morelli said to Dudley. “There are police all over this park.”

“I’ve got a hostage. And I’d be real happy to have one more excuse to shoot her. I’ve been trying to shoot her all week. And I would have done it, if I wasn’t saddled with Marco the Moron.”

“I thought he was a Maniac,” Grandma said.

“I want a helicopter brought in,” Dudley said. “And I want one unarmed pilot flying it.”

“That only happens in the movies,” Morelli said. “Trenton can’t afford helicopters. We’re lucky we’re not all riding bicycles.”

“Get the traffic report helicopter then. Get one from the beach patrol. Get one from NASCAR. You don’t get me out of here in a helicopter, and I swear I’ll kill my hostage.”

Morelli went back to his cell phone. “I’ll make some calls,” he said to Dudley. “Maybe I can come up with something. Would National Guard be okay?”

Dudley looked at Joyce on the ground, bleeding.

“Get a medevac. I know you’ve got one of those.”

“You got it,” Morelli said. “I’ve got two paramedics here. I want you to allow them to treat her.”

“Sure. Get her out of the way.”

“This is confusing,” Lula said. “What happens to the reward? How am I gonna get the reward from you if you’re the one I caught?”

“It’s my brother-in-law’s reward. He’s the owner of the company. I’m just a token vice president. He’s the one who was the big Chipotle fan. Put his picture on all the sauce jars. I told him not to do it, but would he listen to me? Hell, no. Now see where that got us.”

“Where’d it get you?” Grandma wanted to know.

“It got us nowhere. Chipotle refused to sign a new contract. He was screwing my brother-in-law’s bimbo gold-digger wife. They were going to start their own company as soon as the divorce went through.” Dudley looked over at Morelli. “Where’s the helicopter?”

“It’s on its way. You should hear it any minute.”

“Some brother-in-law you’ve got,” Connie said. “What did he do, go to the Chicago Mob and hire someone to whack Chipotle? And then send you along to babysit and make sure the job got done?”

“He would have been better to let me do it myself. He had this idea to get rid of Chipotle and turn it into a media frenzy. Get free publicity by chopping his head off. Chipotle never saw it coming. He was still drunk from the night before. Unfortunately, we had a witness who would have been safe, except she entered the contest.”

Al Rochere ran over with his film crew and went in for an interview.

“Get him out of here,” Dudley said. “I’ll shoot her. Swear to God.”

“Wait a minute,” Lula said. “This could be my big break.”

There was the unmistakable wup wup wup of a helicopter, and the medevac chopper flew low over us and landed in an empty area of the field.

Dudley still had the gun to Lula’s head. “I’m taking her with me. I’ll release her when we land.”

“I don’t like this,” Lula said. “I don’t like helicopters. I’m gonna get the runs.”

“Shut up, and get walking.”

“I don’t feel so good,” Lula said. And she farted.

Dudley stepped back and fanned the air with his gun. “Jeez, lady, what have you been eating?”

“Barbecue,” Lula said. And she sucker punched him in the throat.

Dudley gagged and dropped his gun. And Morelli was on him.

“Is there still a reward?” Lula asked. “Does anybody know the ruling on that?”

A bunch of cops and security guards swarmed in, keeping the curious back. Morelli’s partner cuffed Dudley and a couple uniforms moved in to help.

“My hero,” I said to Morelli.

Morelli grinned. “Lula’s the hero. She sucker punched him.”

“And it was a pip of a fart, too,” Grandma said.

I looked over at Joyce. The paramedics had her stable and ready to medevac out.

“How is she?” I asked one of them.

“Lost some blood, but I don’t think anything critical was hit.”

“I need to go downtown with Dudley,” Morelli said to me. “Call me when you get things figured out.”

I walked to our kitchen, where Grandma, Lula, and Connie were standing, staring at the blackened ribs and ashes spread across the ground.

“I don’t suppose we’re gonna win the contest, what with the grill falling apart and the ribs burning up,” Grandma said.

“I’m tired of this whole barbecue thing, anyway,” Connie said. “I could use a calzone.”

“I’m in for a meatball sub,” Lula said.

“And spaghetti,” Grandma said. “Do you think we should stick around to see who wins the contest?”

“I don’t care who wins the contest, since it’s not me,” Lula said.

Connie had her bag hiked up on her shoulder. “We can read about it in the paper tomorrow.”