Fishing the Sloe-Black River

A WORD IN EDGEWISE

Look at you and a smile on you like the cracked vase that Mammy kept in the kitchen cupboard. The flowery one. With the downward chink, like an upturned smile. Daisies, I think they were, with little yellow figurines leaping all the way through them. A poet one time wrote about a vase, or an urn, and something about beauty and truth. A damnsight we were away from truth those nights, hai? You jumping around the dancehall like a prayer in an air raid, your hair running wild and frothy all around your shoulders. Weren’t we a sight? You, sneaking off down to the town square with Francis Hogan, the only lad in town with a motorcar, done up to the nines, your mascara on, your ginger hair flying. Him with his elbow hung out the window, smoking, his curls all slicked back with oil. What a sight! Me sitting sidesaddle on Tommy Coyne’s red tractor, chugging our way out to the fields behind the elderberry forest, going to make hay, as we say. Wasn’t that the time of it? A tube of lipstick was a precious thing in those days.

The young ones nowadays, they don’t think we were up to it at all. Here we are, getting letters from the grandkids, all over the globe, and I’ll be bowled arse-over-backward if they think we ever misbehaved. Did I tell you about the letter I got a few days ago from young Fiachra in Amsterdam? Tells me the tulips look lovely in spring. I ask you, eighteen years old and he wants me to think he’s looking at the tulips! Not only making hay, but he’s probably threshing the damn stuff as well. They do that sort of thing in Amsterdam. It’s a long way from Tipperary. Or a long way to tip her hairy, as Tommy Coyne was once heard to sing, outside the dancehall, sitting on the back of his tractor. Holy God! I don’t mean to be rude, Moira, but I kid you not. Sitting on the back of his tractor with the blackberry juice on his teeth and his hair in a cowlick: It’s a long way to tip her hairy, it’s a long way to go, it’s a long way to tip the hairy of the sweetest gal I know, Godblessher. God bless us and save us! It’s the years, Moira. I’m wont to ramble, as you well know.

Lipstick. Cleanser. Mascara. A touch of rouge. Eyeliner. The whole nine yards. We’ll have you smiling yet. Come off it now, of course we will. Anyway, didn’t Da get into awful conniptions over me knocking the kitchen teapot over the night we came in from the dancehall? Smashed on the kitchen tiles, it did, with an awful racket. Ricocheting through the house. Us standing there, the smell of drink on our breaths, in those blue dresses sent from Paris by Aunt Orla. Him as big as the Rath-cannon elk, roaring: “Weren’t you two supposed to be home by ten?” And both of us stealing out again and sitting in the vegetable patch near the barn, laughing our heads off until the sun was just about up. And us just smearing the makeup all over each other’s faces! We must have looked awful stupid — sitting in a straggle of turnips, wearing fancy blue dresses.

Funny thing is, these days we’re always asleep by ten, let alone home. Time has a curious way. But that’s how it goes isn’t it? Da away and beyond, God rest his soul. Mammy too. And Aunt Orla with her. Sure, who knows where even Tommy Coyne is these days? Up and left for Australia long before it was the fashionable place to go. Remember all those jokes about Tommy Coyne and sheep! Me oh my. Hold on a minute now, Moira, and the first thing I’m going to do is put on a little cleanser. New stuff I got from Max Factor. Lovely clean smell to it, isn’t there?

Good God Almighty! But haven’t we been doing this since the Lord knows when? Remember the times when we were toddlers and Mammy would be on the way out to the pub with Da? He’d be there, all big-boned, at the end of the stairs, in his blue suit, shouting at her to hurry on. And Mammy always so meticulous with the lipstick, wasn’t she? Forever licking her tongue over her teeth, head cocked sideways, staring at herself. I suppose that’s where we got it from. Us glued wide-eyed on either side of her. Then us sneaking out of bed when they were gone, to sit in front of the big oak mirror and smear it all over our lips, trying her hats on, and making curtseys in the middle of the room. Damn it, anyway, but weren’t we the holy terrors! Remember that night when we took what’s-her-name, the cat, you know, oh, whatsit? Luna! That’s it. Luna. Remember we took her and covered her with rouge, put mascara on the whiskers, perfumed behind the poor thing’s ears and dressed her in a rag of old satin? That little wag of a tail coming out the back. That poor cat hissing around the house, like something possessed. Hiding under the bed. The hat you made for her with Da’s cigarette packs. The things we remember.

Anyway, talking of teapots, strange the way things change, isn’t it? Used to be a teapot was a teapot. Nothing more and nothing less. Just teapots. But I was up and beyond in Dublin last week, baby-sitting little Kieran, his mammy and daddy away in London for an advertising conference. So, anyway, I took him for a walk down by the canal — the water’s filthy these days, floating with Styrofoam cups, all that smog and neon along the banks, even a couple of condoms, floating on the water. I kid you not! Who would use those things anyway, Moira? Like your Sean says, it must be like washing your feet with your socks on! But, like I was saying, we were throwing some bread to the ducks, and all of a sudden little Kieran says to me, he says: “Look at those teapots over there, Granny.” And him pointing to a couple of boys wrapped together like slices of bread underneath the Leeson Street Bridge, kissing in broad daylight. Teapots. I ask you, Moira. Apparently something to do with the way the spout curves.

We’ll give that cleanser a moment to settle now, Moira, then we’ll get started with the foundation. Sad to say, anyway, Larry and Paula look like they’re emigrating too. Paula got offered a job with that crowd, Saatchi and Saatchi. They’re going to enroll little Kieran in some private school on the outskirts of London. There’s another one will grow up with an English accent. Dropping h’s all over the place. A terrible shame. And he’ll see more than his fair share of teapots over there, I’ll tell you. That sort of thing goes on all the time in London. It’s as bad as Amsterdam. Before you know it there’ll be none of us McAllisters left in Ireland at all. Sure, don’t you remember the time we almost went ourselves? 1947, wasn’t it? Anniversary of D-Day, if I’m not mistaken.

Don’t you remember us walking down the main street and those two Yankee soldiers sauntering by O’Connor’s butcher shop with the big red awning? Decked out in the full regalia, handsome as Sunday. Recovering from the war, of course. The lads in town didn’t like them at all. Overpaid, oversexed, and over here. A wee bit of jealousy, I’d say, because aren’t those Americans awful good-looking people? Great teeth and all. Anyway. Remember? You in your ochre blouse and your linen skirt and me myself in my favorite green cardigan, the one with the flowers crocheted on the side. Both of us after making our faces up lovely. And up come the two Yankee boys, asking us what was it a fella could do of an evening in a town like this? And, before you know it, we’re out there driving down the Cork road with the windows open and them singing all sorts of curious songs. Heidy-deighty, Christ Almighty, who the hell are we? Wham bam thank you ma’am we’re the infantry! And us covering our ears, pretending like we were shocked. Out into the countryside, under those huge stars, and them saying that the car was broken down so they could walk us back to town in the dark. Talk about conniving. And us pretending like we were scared, so we could lean into them. A summer night, wasn’t it?

But we were tempted. Let it be said, here and now, we were tempted. Now, of course, my Eoin and your Sean wouldn’t need to hear that, but we were tempted to be sure. Oh yes. On we go now, anyway. A bit of foundation. Just a dab here. I brought my finest, of course. We’ll just get in there under your chin a little bit. Skim off the surplus here now, with my old camel’s hair brush. You’re looking really great now. Ah, it’s a sad world sometimes, but it gives you such funny stories.

Who knows, but we could have been married to some Yanks! Funny thing that, when you think about it. At least for you it was love at first sight with Sean, and isn’t that what makes the world go around? Love and marriage, love and marriage, go together like a horse and carriage, ladeedadeedada, ladeedadeedadee, you can’t have one without the other. Me oh my. Can hardly remember the words now. Between yourself and myself and the walls, sometimes I almost regret putting the cart before the horse, so to speak, marrying Eoin like I did. He was never exactly — well, he was a quiet man. But, well, damn it all anyway, there’s enough badmouthing done in this world without me adding to it. Isn’t that right? Too many bickerers and begrudgers all over the place. My Eoin gave me a good home, God bless his soul, treated me right, even if now and then I got a little uppity with him. Enough said now. He was always very fond of you as well Moira. Always said nice things about you. Loved your pot roast, and I’m not just saying that. He was heard to say, more than once, that he’d run to Dublin and back if he knew one of your pot roasts was waiting for him.

And talking of men who are quick on their feet now, Moira! That time you met your Sean. That was so funny, wasn’t it? At that dance in Greenore, you wearing that red velvet dress just a little bit off the shoulder. Daring for the times. 1951. October, if I’m not mistaken. Or was it November? Getting a bit on the cold side, if I remember correctly, and you wouldn’t wear a cardigan over your dress. Partial to showing off, you were, and why not? You have a body on you that the rest of us have always envied, that’s for sure. Anyway, remember that night? That drafty old hall with the grimy windows? Us sitting there, me with my Eoin, newly married and cuddling, and you beside us, the gooseberry just waiting for a man. Indeed you were! Don’t be codding me now. Hackling for a man you were. But you were beautiful that night. You were too. With the red dress, face all done, and those fancy new stockings. And up he comes, your Sean, skipping over the floor, from the other side of the hall, his hat sideways, smelling of Brylcreem, that chip in his teeth showing, over to you, saying, “Excuse me, any chance of a dance before I get carpet burns on me tongue?” I almost wet myself laughing! Carpet burns on his tongue! And then both of you out there, dancing and laughing. You always said it was love at first sight, and why not? He’s the nicest man. Him always talking you up a storm. Anyway, here I am, rambling away as usual. He gave me your note today, your Sean did. Said to me: “Do her face up good now, Eileen. It’s a big journey.”

And a big journey it is too. The foundation now, Moira, is on like a dream. Trust me. And, as you say, you want to be traveling like a princess. And that you will be. We got so handy with the makeup, didn’t we? Even when the kids were born, and the beauty parlor was shut down, we’d always find some time for it. Trying out the lemon to get rid of the freckles. And those oatmeal face packs, Lord, they were great!

But, and let me say it, here and now, I’ll never ever ever forget the time you messed up my hair. I was a crotchety old bear for months afterward, and I’m sorry for it. But you have to think about it in the light of the time. Not two months after Matthew was born. You saying I’d look great if I got a bit of the stray gray out of the hair. Pushing the auburn look. Auburn this. Auburn that. Auburn the other thing. My head was down there in the sink in your bungalow saying, “Moira, are you sure about this?” “Sure, I’m sure,” you said. Not a bother on you. And for five weeks afterward my head was a fluorescent orange. Like a nuclear carrot, I was! Luminous! A tourist attraction! Everyone thought it very funny when July twelfth rolled around. All of them saying: “Oh, we can send Eileen up to Belfast for Orangeman’s Day.”

I was fuming, and I’m really sorry about what I did with your sunflowers. I know I never told you. But it was me. I’m very sorry. Lopped their heads off with a scissors, I was so mad. But the hair was really awful, you must admit. Come off it now! It was! Don’t be fooling me. Eoin wouldn’t touch me for weeks. Not that he was a mad passionate man anyway. He kept calling me a left footer. The kids all thought I’d gone barmy. Me, having to wear that awful scarf, the one with the pictures of the pound notes on it, all around town for God knows how long. Rinsing my hair every day, trying to get the dye out. But, that’s said and done, and we can laugh about it now.

But we were pretty handy all the same, weren’t we? Even when it was rationed, we could always find some. Sure, remember when we got those red stones that when you licked them, they’d give off a bit of paint? Down by the river when we were kids. And using the sugar water to keep the hair up. And the berry juice we’d smear on our cheeks when we had nothing else. The fun we had with those. Speaking of, Moira, here we go with the rouge now. Yardley. That rose perle tint you’ve always been fond of.

Strange that. Never really thought of it that way. Those stones we’d find, down by the river, us little girls, in exactly the same place where your Sean and young Liam wanted to build your bungalow. Moira, those lettuce-and-tomato sandwiches! Those flasks of tea! Weren’t those the times? Your Liam there working on the house. Up we’d go with his lunch and he’d say, him hanging out of the rafters: “Mam, Auntie Eileen, are you sure yez put enough salad cream on these things today?” Always mad keen on the lettuce and tomato. And then us down to the town with another flask and a few brown bags for the men. Us meeting in the park and spreading out the big white tablecloth. Your Sean forever leaving all those dirty thumbprints on the tablecloth. Terrible. And don’t you remember the day I took the driving test! Sean leaving that dirty great spanner in the middle of the passenger seat by mistake. Me so nervous that I forgot about it and along comes the driving inspector and sits on the damn thing. Moira, it must be said that he was a bit of a poofter, wearing those cream pants, don’t you think? Him so snotty and dignified and stupid that he didn’t say a thing. Him failing me and all. And me not even hitting the curb on the three-point turn. Livid, I was. But it was worth the price of admission, that was. That big slobber of oil on his arse pants. Him waddling off. A teapot, as your Kieran would say.

This rouge is fabulous stuff. Blending in wonderfully. Amazing what they can do nowadays. Listen to me ramble and me making a mess with the makeup! God! Your sunflowers. I’m still thinking about your sunflowers. And the way you were going to enter them in the flower competition. Sorry now. I really am. Along I came and snippety-snip, they were gone.

Well, it’ll be family now, the next few days, us all back together again. The children never understand at times like these, and it’s just as well that they have a bit of fun. We’ll get little Orla and Fiona and Michelle and we’ll teach them how to put on some makeup. Maybe even see if some of the young girls at the beauty parlor will allow me to take up a chair and teach the kids some tricks of the trade. Oh me, oh my, wouldn’t that be a racket! We’ll take the boys and bring them down to the bridge, lash together some fishing poles and maybe even go for a plunge, what with the hot weather we’ve been having. Give the rest of us time. All of us adults together. I know I said some bad things about my Eoin, but I really wish he was here. But. Well! I’m happy enough. I really am. The letters from the kids and all, keeping up the house, and baking the odd bit of bread. Up to Dublin occasionally to baby-sit. And just walking about the town. The river’s bad, though, as you know. That chemical factory has been sending men down here with all their Geiger counters or whatever it is they call them. Soon we’ll all be walking around glowing. Another go-around with the orange hair for me, I suppose. Just a little extra rouge here. Don’t be worrying. Moira, you have the most gorgeous cheekbones! I’ve always envied those cheekbones.

Now let me just have a minute here now and we’ll start on the eyes. A dab with the pencil first, I think. The moss-colored one. Up above the lashes here. Ah-ha. Anyway. Umm. Just a touch here. Isn’t it terrible, though? There they were, promising a hundred jobs and all we get is a river we can hardly swim in anymore. But, my God, I was down there the other day and you should see some of the bathing suits the young girls are wearing! Little thongs thin as twigs. Pieces of cloth no thicker than thread. Down there flossing, Moira! I ask you. Leaving not a thing to the imagination. But why not? When you have it, flaunt it, I suppose. To hell with God and country. Now, I don’t really mean that, Moira, but you know what I mean. It’s not as if we were the purest things since snow or sliced bread. I mean, we were given to a bit of wiggling too, weren’t we, when we had it? Not that we ever wore swimsuits like that. Let me stand back a minute and size you up.

A sight for sore eyes, you are. What do you think? Some more? All right so. Here we go. Marvelous. Jiminy cricket, but you’re looking great. Then we’ll see what we can do with the eye shadow and the mascara. We’ll give you that green, a bit of light color under the eyebrows. Those eyes of yours always so green. Ah, Moira. You made me happy with that note of yours, strange as it may seem. Your Sean woke up this morning and the first thing he did was he phoned me, told me the news, saying that he had this envelope that he had tucked away for years in the bottom drawer of his dresser. Drove over to the house and handed it to me. Both of us crying. No airs about you. There’s never been an air about you. That’s how I’d like to do it myself. No fuss or bother.

It was a lovely note all the same. Such a lovely idea. When in the world did you write it? Sean said he had it for years and that many’s the time he wanted to open it. Anyway, we went down to McCartan’s in the rain to arrange the arrangements, and old man McCartan saying: “That’s a very strange request, I’m not sure if we can do it.” And your Sean — he loves you so much, he really does — taking him aside and saying that he’d give McCartan a few extra bob if he’d let me do your face. McCartan’s a bit of a rat for the money sometimes. Hemmed and hawed for a moment. Sean slipped him another fiver and McCartan got everything ready for me — fixed you up in a way of peace and all. But him still trying to tell me that it might overwhelm me. Overwhelm me! I ask you! After all the times I’ve done this self-same thing. Go away out of that, Mister McCartan, I said to him. There’s nobody better for the job. I’ll do her up right. Sure we’ll have a little natter and we’ll talk about old times.

Liam’s huge bicycle with the purple mudguards! Orla winning the footrace at the County Fair! You burning the pot roast the day Haughey resigned! The holiday in Bray, and Eoin walking the promenade and his hat blowing off and the seagull leaving a dollop on his head! Me oh my. Haven’t we had the life of it? And the things we remember! Him ranting and raving and effing and blinding all over the place, what with that seagull stuff all over his handkerchief! Moira, I could talk all night, but look at me here, and I still haven’t finished your eyes, not to mention the lipstick and everyone due to see you shortly. I better get cracking.

Seems like half the town went to the airport today to pick up people flying in. Shannon and Dublin. They’ll be in later today to say hello. Even young Fiachra. Him and his tulips from Amsterdam. What a scoundrel he is. Okay, now, this color is just perfect. Coal green fading out gently. Perfect. It really is. Makes you look like a million dollars. You recall Fiachra, and him hardly having a hair on his head until he was three years old? Just never grew, did it? You taking him down to the supermarket on Main Street when Ciara was down sick with the flu in seventy-six. And that old bat, Mrs. Roche, coming up to you and asking why in the world you’d allow your grandson to have all his hair shaved off. And then her whispering in your ear: “Was it your sister Eileen who gave him that awful haircut?” And you smacking her in the jaw with a cauliflower for the implication! Ah Lord, how I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall. Serves her right. Anyway, I know it’s rude to whisper, but did you know that her youngest is up the pole, as they say? True as God, Moira. Six months gone. What do you make of that?

Here we go, and we’ll get the extra smudge off the eyelashes. We’ll be done awful soon. Just let me get the lipstick absolutely right. That’s the most important thing, I always say. Get the lips right and you’ve the battle won. Launch a thousand ships, you will. Here we go. Yes. Ah-ha. Pencil first, of course. You and Sean at your wedding, that’s the funniest photograph. Him standing outside the church, all that confetti over his shoulders, a smile on him to beat the band, the lily in his breast pocket, all the people milling around and right there — smack dab in the middle of his cheek — that huge lipstick mark. Spent half the morning getting the lipstick just right and then you went and smeared it all over his cheek. Lord, woman! Those were the days! Listen to me ramble, and a hundred people waiting to see you. Mrs. Burden made the sandwiches and Tommy Farrell got a ton of whiskey for the evening, Father Colligan’s the one to say mass, and Miss Bennet, from the school, is putting together some lovely flowers. This lipstick is really something special, let me tell you, makes your lips full and really compliments you. Estée Lauder, if you don’t mind! Pale rose.

Talking like a runaway train, I am. Ah, but you were never able to get a word in edgewise, were you, Moira? Always me rattling away, no matter what. From day one on. And, sure, I’ll visit you every week. Sean has got a lovely quiet spot, not too far from where your young Liam is. The only thing is that the old factory’s going to belch up the odd bit of smoke in your way, otherwise you’d probably have a clear vision almost all the way to Dublin. A few yards away from that huge old chestnut tree you’ll be. And never lonely, what with the boys out gathering conkers and me, myself, I’ll come out there and run my mouth off as usual. Yes indeed. Now, I better get a grip of myself, because I promised myself I wasn’t going to cry. And you know when I make a promise to myself. But I’ll tell you, and here’s another promise now.

You know what I’m going to do next week? Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to buy a packet of sunflower seeds. That’s what I’m going to do. To hell with everything else. Down in McKenna’s. Going to go to McKenna’s, buy myself a little trowel and some fertilizer. That’s what I’m going to do. Wear my old clogs and my big hat. Walk out to the chestnut tree. Plant the seeds, away from the shade. Then sit back and watch them grow. Every day. And if anybody comes along with a snippety-snip, I’ll knock them arse-over-backwards into the middle of next week. And that’s a promise. From me to you. Water them every day. Now let me just take a step back here and have a look at you. Just going to step back. Water them every day. Ah-ha. Just going to stand here. Just a moment now. That’s what I’m going to do.

Moira, let me tell you something. Let me tell you. You look smashing. You really do. You really, really do. Absolutely smashing. A lovely peaceful smile on you. My God, you look smashing. Really, really smashing.