Gluttony

Chapter 11

Sex on the Beach.

Tequila Sunrise.

Alabama Slammer.

Cosmopolitan.

Appletini.

Mojito.

Kamikaze.

The city was drowning in cocktails, and Harper planned to try them all. The world tipped and turned, spun and sloshed, and she poured another drink down her throat, and another. She drenched her doubts in tequila, showered her guilt with vodka, poured Captain Morgan rum all over the flames that still burst out of a crumpled car, washed Kaia’s wounds in a bath of gin.

Harper wobbled down the Strip, a yard-long margarita in one hand, emptiness in the other. She sucked on the straw. One gulp for Adam, who would never choose her. One for Miranda, who now understood the pain of truth. And the rest for Kaia, who’d left her behind to face it all, alone.

She wobbled. She stumbled. She fell, into the arms of a stranger. His hands were strong, his face gentle, familiar.

“Watch out,” he told her, and she’d heard his voice on the radio, she’d seen his eyes on a billboard. She’d longed for this opportunity-in what seemed like another life. “Too much to drink?” the famous addict asked her.

Too much would never be enough.

“No such thing,” she mumbled.

“Can I help?”

Front-row tickets, Harper wanted to say. Backstage passes. For me and my best friends.

Twenty-four hours ago, it was all she’d wanted. Now she just wanted him to leave her alone. She wanted to forget. She wanted to black out the world.

She wanted another drink.

“I said, can I help?”

She shook her head. The world shook too. The dizziness spun her around, dragged her stomach to her feet. The buzzing in her ears finally blocked out all the words she refused to hear, and a dark fog crowded her vision. She opened her mouth-

And threw up all over the famous man’s leather boots.

She felt better. Empty. And that meant she could start all over again. She held out her glass, slurred out the words.

“Fill ’er up.”

“Fill ’er up,” Miranda told the man with the ladle. The hot fudge sauce came pouring down over four scoops of coffee mocha ice cream with chocolate chips, rainbow sprinkles, Heath Bar crumbles, sliced banana, almond crumbles, Oreo wedges, and three Reese’s peanut butter cups. Miranda stuck a cherry on top.

Then she dug in.

She sat at an empty table, hunched over her tray, and shoveled the food down her throat. She should, more than anything, put the spoon down, stand up from the table, and walk out of the buffet; she should prove Harper wrong, once and for all. But her fingers still gripped the spoon and the ice cream still filled her mouth, sliding down her throat though she barely tasted its sweetness or noticed the cold.

And when it was done, she would have more. She would pile her tray high with black-bottom brownies, cream-centered doughnuts, oversize peanut butter cookies, chocolate truffles, vanilla wafers, raspberry sherbet, apple pie, strawberry shortcake, rice pudding, Oreo cheesecake, cherry tarts, and a chocolate soufflé.

She would stuff it in, wash it down, smear her face and hands with chocolate, drop crumbs all over her lap, keep her head down to avoid the stares. She would curse Harper for driving her to a piggish extreme, and then she would curse herself for her weakness, her disgusting desires, and the bottomless hunger that showed no mercy and had no end.

And when she stopped, sick and bloated but still starving, still empty, and still alone, she would hate herself even more. She would feel the fat surging under her skin like an insect infestation. Her stomach would twist and spasm and her body would scream in protest, until she submitted to the inevitable.

She would lock herself in a dirty stall. Pull her hair back into a sloppy ponytail. Lean over the toilet bowl. Promise herself this was the last time. And then stick her finger down her throat.

She could see it all playing out, just as it had too many times before. But even that wasn’t enough to make her put the spoon down. Not as long as she could still picture Kane’s face or hear Harper’s voice.

She knew she would eventually have to figure out what to do next, and face up to her life-and her problems. But in the meantime, she would chew and swallow, chew and swallow, until mouthful by mouthful, she filled herself up.

Blondes and brunettes, C-cups and D-cups, strippers and hookers, showgirls and show-offs, the menu was complete, and available á la carte or as an all-you-can-eat buffet. Vegas wasn’t picky, and neither were its women.

But Adam’s appetite was gone. He felt gutted, wrecked-like this place had chewed him up and spit him out.

Harper had walked away from him; a moment later, Beth had run. And he’d let them both leave. Because he was an idiot-and now he needed to fix his mistake. He needed to find them.

One blonde, five foot four, bright blue eyes, and snow-white skin.

One brunette, wild curly hair with reddish streaks, a wicked smile, just the right curves.

Two women who wanted nothing to do with him. Lost amidst a sea of others who couldn’t get enough.

“Don’t look so sad, sweetie.”

“Want me to cheer you up?”

“Sure I’m not what you’re looking for?”

“I’m all yours, baby.”

But he didn’t want her. He didn’t want any of them. He waded through the redheads, threaded his way through a cloud of blondes, strained to see over the Amazonian warriors of a women’s basketball team, all outfitted in lime green tank tops and short-shorts that hugged their tightly muscled thighs.

They were barely people to him anymore, just a moving mass of soft parts and honeyed voices. And yet he watched them all, because somewhere in the crowd of hair and lips and chests and hips, he would find something he recognized-maybe a strand of silky blond. Maybe the curving corner of a smug grin, or a pinkie with a razor-thin scar from a sixth-grade art project gone awry.

They were out there, somewhere, one running away from him, the other running away from everything.

There were hundreds of places they could hide; millions of faces to sift through. And he didn’t even know where to start.

He knew he’d been dealt a bad hand-but everything was riding on this one, and he wasn’t about to fold.

“Fold.” Kane threw his cards down in disgust and moved along to the next table. The games blurred together, and still, he played-he bet, he checked, he passed, he raised, he called, and he lost.

His head wasn’t in the game.

He tossed a few chips on the blackjack table. “Hit me.” A five of clubs slapped down on the table. “Hit me again.” A nine of hearts. “Again.” Jack of spades.

Bust.

She meant nothing to him, he told himself. Or at least, nothing much. She was just a girl, an automatic no-value discard in the poker hand of life. He wouldn’t let himself get fooled into caring, not again. It was a sucker’s bet-the house always won, and losing hurt.

It was why he loved to watch the high rollers throwing their thousand-dollar chips down and walking away with a wink and a shrug. Nothing broke them, nothing even dented. Because they never let the game matter. The good ones chose their table carefully, played the odds, risked only what they could afford to lose, and ditched a cold deck without looking back. It was the only way to play.

“Hit me,” Kane said again as the dealer shuffled through a fresh deck. Queen of hearts. “Hit me again.” King of spades.

Bust.

The best players-the counters-could play several games at once, shifting their focus from one to the other, never letting the money ride too long or leaving while the deck was still hot. Kane did the same thing-just not with cards.

He kept his options open, and his women wanting more. He could spot a winning bet from a mile away, recognized every tell, knew when to smile, when to kiss, when to get the hell out. He could lay down his money and spin the wheel, because with nothing invested, he had nothing to lose.

And so he never lost.

Miranda should be no different. She was, in fact, that most elusive of bets: the sure thing. She knew his game all too well, yet still wanted to play. Because, like the worst of gamblers-like the degenerate losers who stayed at the table as their chips disappeared, waiting in vain to throw that lucky seven and shooting snake eyes every time-she had hope. She expected the next hand-her hand-to be different. She actually thought it was possible to beat the house.

Which should have made it incredibly easy for Kane to clean up, and that was the problem: Beating Miranda-playing Miranda-would feel like losing. The danger sign blinked brightly. Once emotions got involved, the game was over. You got distracted, you got sloppy and, much like tonight, you walked away with empty pockets.

Or, if you got very lucky, you hit the jackpot.

Kane hated to admit it, but when it came to Miranda, he couldn’t hedge his bets. She was an all-or-nothing proposition. And maybe it was time for him to ante up.

You promised all or nothing, babe,

You said our bodies fit.

You lied and tore my heart out,

And I don’t give a shit!

Reed’s hand was numb, his fingers stinging, his voice hoarse. He leaned into the mic and beat his guitar into submission, letting the rage and pain and misery churn through him and explode into the air.

Love me, leave me, kill me dead.

Your voice is like a knife,

Your tears are mud, your hands are claws.

Get the hell out of my life!

It hurt. It burned. But he wrapped his voice around the notes and let the words slice and stab at an invisible enemy, and though he wasn’t drunk and wasn’t high, the world seemed miles down as the music carried him up and out, a wall of sound that sucked him in and blasted him out the other side, enraged, exhausted, spent.

Forget it forget me forget you forget,

See your face and I wish I was blind.

Your love and your hate and your lies and your rage,

And you’re driving me out of my mind.

The club had been dark and empty when he arrived-but Starl la had a key. He played and stomped and sang and raged and she closed her eyes, swaying to the music, her body twisting and waving with the sounds, and though he could block out the world, he couldn’t miss her hips and her flying hair and her lips, stained with black gloss and mouthing his words.

And then somehow she was on the stage, her body grinding against his, their hips thrusting together as the chords piled on top of one another. And the feel of her flesh and the grip of her hand around his wrist and her breath on his neck reminded him of everything he wanted to forget-everything he wanted to destroy.

He played louder, he sang louder, but the music fell away and the blessed amnesia of sound disappeared and all he could see was Beth’s face, her strangled voice, her tears. He tried to lose himself in the thunder of the guitar and the roar of his own voice, but hers was louder and he had to listen.

Please.

Forgive me.

And then Star la’s hands were on his waist and creeping up beneath his shirt, climbing on bare skin, rubbing his chest, and he laid down his guitar and turned to face her, but he wasn’t seeing her.

Her black fingernails scraped against his face; he saw only pastel pink, felt silky skin.

Her black hair whipped across his neck; he saw shimmering gold, like strands of sun.

Her eyes, so dark, almost purple, closed; he saw pale blue irises, wide open, alert. He saw tears.

He closed his eyes and when his lips met hers, Beth’s face finally disappeared and her voice faded away, and the rage boiling within him spilled out through his hands and his lips and his body. She shoved him up against the wall and dug her elbows into him, pinning him down, and he sucked her lips and bit her earlobe and she scraped her fingers up and down his back until his skin felt raw.

The wall of sound returned. She was like music, a raging, pumping punk anthem come to life in his arms. She kissed his chest and kneaded his flesh and he needed hers. He wanted to sing-he wanted to scream. Their bodies blended together like a perfect chord, and he let himself forget everything but the ceaseless rhythm, the pounding, pulsing beat.

He let himself get lost.

I once was lost, but now am found, Beth sang to herself, tunelessly. She almost giggled, wavering on the edge of hysteria, stepping back from the ledge just in time. She had been confused for so long. Lost, searching for the right path, the right direction, the first step back toward normalcy, to forgiveness, to sanity. Even, someday, to happiness.

And now she understood. She’d found the path, her path. It led to a dead end.

Just like Kaia’s.

She had been drowning in self-pity, struggling and flailing, fighting the inevitable. It had been exhausting-and now that it had ended, she realized that fighting had been her first mistake. Exhausted, she had submitted to the hopelessness. And now she was finally at peace.

She leaned against the railing, looking out over the sparkling city. Had it been only hours since she’d stood up here with Reed, then fled, uselessly postponing her fate? She felt like a different person now. Because now she understood.

This is it, she told herself. This is how it always will be. And this was what she deserved. Reed’s disgust and disdain, his hand in Harper’s. It was easier to take than what she had seen on Adam’s face: sympathy. Concern. A hint of forgiveness. She couldn’t let herself fall into the trap, not again. She couldn’t seek comfort, or hope for rescue.

She couldn’t change what had happened, and she couldn’t save herself. But she could at least end the pain. She gripped the railing, and looked down, but it was too dark to see anything but the blinking lights smeared across the landscape.

The first step would be hard.

She wondered if it would hurt. Even if it did, it would be fast, and then it would be over. And that was all she wanted-an ending. She couldn’t fight the current, not anymore, and she refused to drag Adam down with her when she finally sank to the bottom.

It would be quiet there. It would finally be over.

And justice would be served.