Hudson

Chapter Twenty-Three

I’ve called Adam to check up on Mirabelle five times in the last two days, and I’ve texted even more frequently. Of course, I’d always worry about her, but the separation from Alayna makes me even more anxious in general. Since I still can’t find the words she needs to hear, I attempt to avoid all thought of her. It’s impossible, but I try anyway, throwing my energy into preparing for my trip this afternoon to finish the deal with GlamPlay and worrying about Mirabelle.

I’ve just settled in at my desk after lunch with a cup of black coffee when Patricia intercoms me. “Mirabelle Sitkin on the line for you.” Seems my sister’s beat me to the call today.

“Send it back.” I take a large swallow from my coffee, letting the phone ring three times before picking it up. I’m not sleeping well, and my morning caffeine has seemed to have worn off. “Mirabelle, aren’t I supposed to be the one checking up on you?”

“That’s exactly why I’m calling.” Her voice is light and bubbly. “Adam says you’ve been harassing him.”

“Harassing? That’s a fine description for brotherly concern.”

“And I adore the concern. I really do.” She lets out a sigh. “But between you and Mom and Dad and Adam…I think a once-a-day friendly text will do just fine.”

I sit back in my chair and swivel back and forth as I speak. “You know, if you’d let me hire a nurse to follow you around like I suggested, I wouldn’t need to check in.”

“Hudson, I don’t need a nurse. I’m married to a doctor. Remember?”

I shrug even though she can’t see it. “And you were married to a doctor when you were admitted to the hospital three nights ago. It’s obviously not enough.”

“Oh, my God. Are you serious?”

“Very.” I stop my swiveling and lean on the desk in front of me. “But if you say you’re fine and promise me that you’re drinking and resting—”

“—I am!”

“Then I’ll agree to one call and one text a day.” This is a hard concession for me to make. I pinch the bridge of my nose as I force myself to accept it. Besides, I reason with myself, I have to fly to Los Angeles for the weekend, and I’ll likely not have time for anything more.

“Deal,” she agrees. “I’m glad we got that worked out. But that isn’t really why I’m calling.”

“Oh?” And now I remember why I’d done all my checking in with my brother-in-law. I was afraid of the conversation that I’m certain she’s about to embark on.

“Nope. You and Laynie…”

It’s kind the way she trails off, letting me fill in the blanks rather than asking me straight out. But I know that if I don’t answer the way she wants, she’ll become more direct. I’m not surprised that she’s asking. She’d noticed we were…strained…when we visited her at the hospital. She’d even sent Alayna and me out of the room to repair whatever was wrong. The time alone with Alayna was hard. Still worked up over the cause for our emergency visit, the rift between us seemed so inconsequential. But, of course, it isn’t. And though I wanted to do nothing but pull her into my arms and confess every secret, including how much I love her, I refrained.

For Mirabelle’s sake, we agreed to set aside our issues and put on a happy face. It seemed like my sister bought it. She convinced Alayna of that, anyway. I knew better. Mirabelle has a knack for reading people. She has a knack for reading me. I’ve never been able to fool her.

So I don’t begin to think I can fool her now. “I fucked up, Mirabelle.” That about sums it up.

“What did you do?” Her voice is low and tense, and I momentarily regret saying anything. Not because I’m not willing to share but because I’m worried about stressing her out.

But it’s out now. I don’t have to say everything, but I have to say something. “I lied to her.”

“And she found out?” She doesn’t ask the details of my deceit, which I appreciate.

“Yes. She found out. But there’s more I haven’t told her, more I need to say.” I’m surprised that I’m spilling my soul so easily. And it feels good. All the build-up, I think I’ve been desperate to talk to someone. Since I’d never initiate a conversation, I’m suddenly grateful that Mirabelle did.

“Okay.” She takes a breath that’s deep enough I can hear it through the line. “So you need to tell her, but you haven’t?”

“No.”

“Because you’re afraid of…what?”

“Losing her.” Just saying the words makes my throat tight.

“But you won’t know that unless you tell her. Will you?”

Isn’t that the question of the decade. The question of my lifetime, actually. It’s been four days since I declared we needed time. Four nights that I haven’t buried myself inside her, haven’t felt her clench around me, haven’t fallen asleep to the sound of her rhythmic breathing. Four days and nights—it feels like forever. And still I don’t know what I should do.

I realize that time is not going to give me any answers. It won’t be away from Alayna that I’ll find the strength to make this choice.

I’m quiet too long. Mirabelle says, “Your silence leads me to believe you aren’t going to.” Her disappointment is heavy in her tone.

“Not true. My silence is only a product of not having a response.”

“Well, then.” She pauses, and I can sense her wanting to say more. Finally, she says, “Do you want my advice?”

“If I say no, will you refrain from giving it anyway?”

“Probably not.” She considers. “Definitely not.”

“Then by all means, go ahead.” I shoot a glance toward my liquor cabinet, wondering if it’s too early to spike my coffee.

“I’m not going to ask what you’re keeping from her.” She’s pacing; I’m sure of it. She likes to walk as she lectures. “If it’s something you don’t want to tell her, I’m sure it’s not something you want to tell me. But, I know that you could tell me anything, and I would still love you. And not just because I’m your sister. And though it’s hard to admit this, I kinda get the sense that Laynie loves you even more than I do. She chose you. Out of everyone out there who she could love or who could love her, she chose you, Hudson. I have to believe she sees that thing about you too. That thing you think doesn’t exist. That thing that makes all your bull worth it. And if she sees that, if she loves that as much as I think she does? Then I don’t think there’s anything you can say that will make you lose her. Even if it’s the ugliest secret of all time.”

“Even if it’s the worst betrayal you can imagine?” Her sentiment is pretty. But it’s naïve.

She pauses, and I know she’s preparing for more of her happy-ever-after spiel. For once, Mirabelle surprises me. “Did I ever tell you that I cheated on Adam?”

“Uh, no.” I’m hoping she doesn’t tell me now.

“A long time ago. Before we were even engaged. I slept with another guy.”

I’m shocked. Mirabelle has always been the picture of loyalty and commitment. “I don’t know if I want to hear this.”

She plows ahead anyway. “I was stupid. But it was really shitty. I mean, he knew the guy. They were roommates in their undergrad program. And we were serious at the time—Adam and I. I just…I don’t know. It was stupid. I did something stupid. And for stupid reasons too. I wanted to get Adam’s attention. Can you believe that? Well, it sure got his attention. Also, almost lost me the love of my life.”

“Mirabelle…” I’m not sure what to say.

“No, no, it’s fine now. The point is that fidelity is important in any relationship, but even more so for Adam because his previous girlfriend cheated, and, well, that’s a whole other story. Anyway.” She huffs into the receiver. “Cheating is the ultimate betrayal for him. And we worked things out. It wasn’t easy, but here we are. So, yeah, I believe forgiveness happens. Even in the Pierce family.”

I’m still stunned. I’m also not convinced my situation with Alayna is anything like Mirabelle’s. For one thing, anyone who doesn’t recognize my sister is the catch of a lifetime is crazy, no matter what her sins. But I’m moved by her confession. “Thank you for telling me that. It does give some perspective.”

“Hudson, don’t just smile and nod and then dismiss everything I’m saying.” God, she knows me too well. “Because here’s the other thing. Lies like those? They grow. They grow between you like big black holes. Pretty soon you can’t see each other through the darkness. And that part of you that Laynie loves? She won’t be able to find it anymore through the cloud. In other words, you can tell her the truth and give her the chance to prove she loves you anyway. Or you can let the lie grow until she leaves you because she doesn’t know who you are anymore. It may be just me, but I think you have a better shot with the truth.”

Twenty minutes after I’ve hung up with Mirabelle, her words are still rooted in my head, clinging to my conscience like mold on spoiled fruit. I can’t concentrate on anything else. I’ve read the same email from Stuart Reed three times now and still haven’t gotten anything from it. When I notice he’s copied Norma, I give up on it. If it’s important, she’ll fill me in on our flight.

Thinking of my flight…I should tell Alayna that I’m leaving town. I pick up my cell phone and begin a text. Then I delete it. I can’t even seem to say something as simple as By the way, I’ll be in L.A. through the weekend. She’ll want to know more—she deserves to know more—and once again, I can’t give it.

Instead, I text Jordan. Checking in, how’s Alayna today?

He responds quickly. What do you mean? Isn’t she with you?

I’m alarmed enough by this response to call him directly. “Why would she be with me?”

Jordan sounds genuinely confused. “I dropped her off about twenty minutes ago. She said she was going to surprise you.”

It would have been a nice surprise. “Well, she’s not here.”

“She’s somewhere in the building,” Jordan insists. “I’ve been sitting out front this whole time.”

There are other exits out of Pierce Industries, but they’d be difficult for her to get to. It’s possible that she gave Jordan the slip, but for some reason, I don’t think that’s her plan. “Stay on the line while I check the loft.”

Maybe she did plan to surprise me. Naked in my bed upstairs. I can hope, anyway.

While I take the private elevator up to my quarters, I question Jordan further. “You’re supposed to report whenever she goes anywhere. Why didn’t you tell me when you got here?”

“She asked me to give her a few minutes. After that, I figured you would have already worked it out.” Jordan sounds as anxious as I feel. “Do you want me to come up?”

“No. Stay out there. Watch the doors.” I’m in the loft now. Even without checking the bedroom and the bath, I know she’s not here. The room feels too ordinary. I’d sense her if she were here.

God, I’m beginning to sound like Mirabelle.

“She’s not here,” I tell Jordan. And now I’m fully concerned. “I’m checking the live camera feeds. Contact security and have them review the last half hour’s tapes. See if we can trace her.”

I end the call and head back down the elevator. After checking to make sure my secretary hasn’t seen her, I return to my office. The closet in the far corner houses a private media cabinet. Here, I have a system set up to duplicate all the camera feeds from the main security desk. These don’t record anything except for the cameras around my office. A quick scan through all the feeds of the main hallways and elevators turns up no sight of her. Not expecting to find anything on the recordings—she’d be here if she came to my floor, after all—I rewind frame by frame anyway.

Then I see her. Getting off the elevator outside my office. Instead of coming in, though, she darts down the hallway, away from me, and toward—

My phone rings. It’s Jordan. “We found her on your floor,” he says. “It seems she went to another office. Uh, getting the name now. It’s—”

“—Norma Anders,” I finish for him. I shouldn’t be surprised. Actually, I’m not really. I’m also kind of proud. And a whole lot irritated. “Is she still there?”

“There’s no sign that she left.”

“Thank you, Jordan. I’ll take care of it from here.” I pocket my phone and chew over this new development as I walk out to the hallway. What on earth does Alayna expect to gain from Norma? I trust Norma—she won’t spill any secrets about our upcoming deal. But Alayna doesn’t know that. Is she trying to find out about GlamPlay and Werner Media? No, she can’t even know enough to ask. Then is she here for something about Gwenyth? Or is she still jealous of my relationship with my right-hand financial manager?

Goddammit, why can’t Alayna just trust me?

So what if her trust isn’t warranted. I want it all the same. Especially when my secrets are mostly to protect her.

And sneaking around to talk to my staff members is not the way to help our relationship. It’s backhanded, which may be a case of the pot calling the kettle black, but I know that two wrongs do not make a right. She shouldn’t be here. She needs to quit pushing, always pushing.

By the time she turns into my hallway, I’m boiling. She tiptoes along the way to the elevator, her eyes fixed on my office. Okay, it’s adorable. My fury eases a notch. Or several.

She doesn’t notice me even when she’s nearly upon me, so she jumps when I say, “Alayna.”

She looks up at me with her doe-eyes, and there it is—the light that I love, beaming back at me with the affection and desire that I’ve grown accustomed to seeing in her gaze.

Is it crazy that in the midst of my frustration, all I want to do is fall down at the feet of this woman and worship her very existence? My life without her has been so dark, so dismal. She’s not just my light; she’s my sun. My world revolves around her.

But right now, she’s in trouble. And I’m about to let her know.

I wrap my arm around her, her skin warming me through my suit. “Let’s talk in private, shall we?” I lead her to my office. I tell Patricia to hold my calls. Then I shut and lock the door behind us.

Locking the door wasn’t actually necessary. I’m not sure if I do it to frighten her or tempt myself.

Alayna’s certainly not scared. She’s almost flirtatious as she greets me. “Well, hello, H.”

My cock is already stiffening. I release her arm. “What are you doing here, Alayna?”

“What am I doing here in your office? You dragged me in here, remember?” She walks away from me with a swagger that makes me want to bend her over my knee.

I bite back a smile that I don’t want to give way to. “Don’t be cute. I meant in the building.”

She peers back at me over her shoulder, and I swear to God her expression is screaming Fuck Me. “Maybe I came to see you. I tend to stalk when I feel dismissed by a man.”

Feisty Alayna is quite a turn-on. It’s very inconvenient.

I sigh. “You didn’t come to see me. You arrived on this floor over half an hour ago and are just now coming by my office.”

She spins toward me. “How the fuck do you know everything I do? Jordan? Your security cameras?”

“I’m not going to feel guilty for the lengths I go to in order to protect what’s mine.” I’d do so much more. I’d kill for her if I had to.

I expected my dominating male routine to irritate her. Instead, she licks her lips.

Jesus, I’m half-hard.

I’ve wanted her for days, but now that she’s here, I remember why I can’t have her. It’s not fair. Until I deal with the lie between us, I have to keep my distance.

Which means, I have to get her out of here. “Alayna?”

She tears her eyes from me, leaving me instantly cold. “Yours, huh? Don’t make me laugh.”

“Jesus, how many times do I have to go through this with you?” I can’t keep up with her. She’s hot one minute, cold the next. Much the way I feel, actually.

“I don’t know. Maybe a couple hundred more times. Because I’m obviously not getting it.”

I turn away from her and shove my hand through my hair. I’m torn between screaming some sense into her and ripping off her clothing and claiming her with my cock. Neither would be very productive, though both would feel fucking fantastic.

No. I have to remember my agenda. I turn back to her, hoping I seem more in control. “Why. Are. You. Here?”

“I came to see Norma.” Finally, she’s honest.

“About Gwen?”

She covers her face with her hands in frustration. When she drops them, she says, “About you, you dummy. I don’t give a shit about anything but you.” Her voice is tight. “Jesus, how many times do I have to go through this with you?”

Her admission renews my earlier irritation. “You came to talk to my employee about me?” Maybe irritation wasn’t a strong enough word. I was fucking pissed.

And yeah, I was mostly pissed at myself. How did I let us get to this? She and I on different sides. We’re supposed to be on the same side. Always.

She throws my own words back at me in defense. “Don’t guilt me for protecting what’s mine.”

It’s then I know she gets it. Or maybe it’s me who finally gets it. She’s fighting for me in the same way that I’m fighting for her. We aren’t against each other—we’re for each other.

If she’s willing to keep battling after all I’ve put her through, maybe we do have a chance. Maybe Mirabelle’s right. Maybe Alayna can love me anyway.

“I only wanted to see for myself if she was into you,” she says, softer now. “If you had something going with her.” Then she points a finger at me. “And don’t you dare talk to me about trust because you know I get jealous about her, and you aren’t around to help reassure me.”

I lean against the couch and study her. How can I blame her for things I’d do? Things I’ve done? I can’t. “Did you get what you came for?” I ask her.

“I did.”

“And?”

She bites her lip. I’m so jealous of that lip. “She thinks a lot of you. She respects you and admires you, and she recognizes you’re physically attractive—don’t let that go to your head.”

“But…”

“But she’s not into you anymore. I can see it in her eyes.”

Or she discovered Norma’s secret affair with her assistant. Either way, I’m pleased that this jealousy has been nipped in the bud. “Good.” Perhaps it was a good thing she talked to my employee after all. “Then you believe the things I’ve told you.”

“It was never the things you’ve told me that were the issue. It’s the things you haven’t told me.”

“They aren’t your things to know.” It’s not fair, but it’s for her own good. Always for her.

She just doesn’t see it. “What the ever-living fuck? I could say the same thing about you—spying on me, digging into my history before you’d even met me—maybe I think those aren’t your things to know. Still, you did—and do—whatever the hell you want with no regard to boundaries or personal space.”

She faces me head on. “And while that’s out there, let me be clear—since you aren’t able to explain things to me, I’m digging on my own.”

Panic streaks down my spine. How much digging until she discovers the truth?

“That’s right. I’ve been through all of the books Celia sent. I’ve been to see Stacy. And Norma. I’m collecting my own facts. Don’t you think it would be better to tell me your secrets than have me find them out on my own?”

“Alayna, stop digging.” I step toward her. She’s a smart woman. If she tries hard enough, she’ll figure it out. And it will destroy her.

“You’re protecting Celia again, aren’t you?”

Is she so blind to not see? “Celia’s not who I’m protecting.”

“Who then? Yourself? Me?”

I’m close now to telling her—telling her everything. Because I hate that she doesn’t understand. How can she not understand how much my past will hurt her? How I want to save her. And, God, I don’t think I can.

She has to go. For her own good. Before she pushes me too far. I grab her at the elbow. “You need to leave, now.”

Alayna winces like she’s just gotten the wind knocked out of her. Like I’ve just knocked the wind out of her. It’s unbearable to see her like this, tears spilling down her cheeks. “Shutting me out again. Like you always do. Hiding behind your thick walls.” Her pain is palpable. “What’s the point of me even fighting for you if you’re never, never going to let me in? Who are you protecting, Hudson? Who?”

It’s the end of my rope. I can’t let her believe that I’m not fighting just as hard. For her. “Yes, you, dammit! I’m protecting you. Always you.”

Then, because I can never tell her in words the way I feel, I have to tell her with my body. I crush my lips against hers, tasting her, devouring her. I’m so goddamn desperate for her kiss—because I have to tell her how I feel. Because I need to feel how she feels about me.

It’s only meant to be a kiss. Or it’s not meant to be anything because there’s no thought involved. But when she wraps a leg around mine, when she tilts her hips against me, rubbing against my hard cock, then I have no choice but to continue. She’s like a roller coaster ride. Once you get on, you’re there for the whole ride.

And so I ride.

I spin her toward the couch and remove her panties. My fingers stroke inside her cunt. Christ, she’s wet. She’s always so fucking ready for me. I have my pants down and my cock out before I have a chance to second-guess myself. With my fingers gripped around her hips, I thrust in. Hard.

I drive into her, over and over, chasing not only my orgasm but the answers to our shitty situation. Her back is to me, her face hidden. I can’t watch her like this. I close my eyes. It’s reminiscent of so many other fucks with so many random women. This used to be my favorite position. It’s so wrong to be with her this way. But I’m too vulnerable right now. I can’t be with her in any other way without losing every semblance of control.

Except Alayna won’t let me simply use her. She knows what we need better than I do. At least, she does in this moment. Or maybe she’s just stronger than I am, more willing to be that vulnerable, that exposed.

She twists toward me, clutching onto my shirt. At her touch, my eyes pop open. She locks her gaze on mine, and that’s all it takes to bring me back. Back to her. I steady my drive, and her pussy clenches around me. Then I’m coming with her, crying her name like it’s an S.O.S. Hoping beyond hope that she can save me. Save us.

I collapse on top of her, holding her, breathing with her in unison. They’re short minutes that pass, every second of them precious. I don’t think I can ever let her go.

Eventually, I try. I step back, pulling out of her. But immediately, she’s in my arms, and my lips are pressed against hers. I hold her in place, our mouths sealed in an immobile kiss. This is it, I know. My decision is about to be made, and even though my stubborn walls won’t let it be made solid with words and declarations, it’s forming in the center of my mind, sitting on the edge of my tongue.

I can’t lose her.

When we break apart, Alayna wraps her hands around my neck, seemingly as desperate to hold onto me as I am to her. “Oh god, I miss you. I miss you so much.”

“Précieux…mon amour…ma chérie…” I run my hands down her face, memorizing the touch of her skin, the curve of her jaw. Will this be the last time?

It can’t be the last time.

“When are you coming home?” she asks, bringing us back to reality, back to the things we have to deal with.

I lean my forehead against hers. I’m exhausted. So tired of this game. “I have to go to L.A. for the weekend.” I check my watch. “I’m set to leave in about twenty minutes, in fact.”

“Part of your big business thing? With Norma?” There’s no hint of jealousy in her question. Just a need to know.

I slide my nose along hers. “Yes, with Norma. And after this, if all goes well, we’ll be done.” I want to invite her to come with me, but it’s too risky. If Celia were to follow us across the country…

No, I have to keep her here. Safe from ruining this deal that’s almost done. Then, after this, after I know I’ve gotten Celia off Alayna’s back. Then…

I can’t even say it in my mind. Because once I voice the decision, I know there’ll be no going back. This first, this deal. And then…that.

With strength I didn’t know I had, I push her away. I dress and face her, my fist on my hip. Already the distance is beginning to span between us, and I think of Mirabelle’s words. The lie that grows and separates and builds walls. I see it. It’s here now between us, forming before my eyes.

And I know I can’t let it grow any wider. I can’t wait any longer to begin. I can’t lose her, and I only have one shot at keeping her. The choice forms into words in my head. I’ll tell her. I have to tell her. Everything. All of it. Starting with this.

I reach for her, pulling her back to me with all that I am. “God, Alayna, I can’t do this anymore.” It’s a relief saying this. A burden unleashed. “I can’t bear to be apart from you. I miss you so terribly.”

“You do?” She leans back to look into my eyes.

The light. Her brilliant light overtakes me. And now that the decision’s been made, the confessions spill easily. “Of course, I do, precious. You’re my everything. I love you. I love you so much.”

Finally, I’m free.

I didn’t think it was possible, but her light, it grows brighter.

“W-w-what?” She’s unbelieving.

I’m ridiculously in love. “You heard me.”

“I want to hear it again.”

“I love you.” It’s easy now. Like I always knew it would be. It’s only the beginning of my confessions, and the rest will be so much harder. But I won’t think about that now. I’ll let this declaration have its own moment in the sun.

“You love me?”

I brush my lips over hers. “I love you, precious. I’ve always loved you. From the moment I first saw you. I knew before you did, I think.” I tilt her chin to meet my eyes. “But there are things—things in my past—that have kept me from being able to tell you. And now…I have to do this…this thing. Finish this deal. Then, when I get back, we’ll talk.”

“We’ll talk?” She’s glowing. God, how I wish I didn’t have to steal her happiness.

But I’m committed now. “I’ll tell you anything you want to know. And if you still want me, I’ll come home.”

“Yes, I want you home. Of course I do. We belong there together. There’s nothing you could say that would make me stop loving you. Nothing. I stick, remember?”

I cling to her words, holding them like a lifeline. “Oh, precious. I hope that’s true.”

“It is.”

But I know she can’t make that promise. I won’t hold her to it.

“Say it again.”

“You’re such a spoiled girl.” I circle my nose around hers. “And I love…spoiling you.”

She smacks me playfully.

“And I love you.” I’ll tell her as many times as she wants to hear it. As many times as she lets me say it. And though this may be the last time I hold her like this, the last time I get to bask in her sun, I know I’ll never stop saying the words that have rested so deeply in me for so long. “I love you, I love you. I love you.”