I'll Let You Go

CHAPTER 47. The Wheel

[Note: for the sake of fluency, the author has taken the liberty to correct certain errors of typography and usage, of which there were a goodly amount; and begs the reader’s indulgence. If the girl at times seems precocious in expression, it can be reminded that she was a seasoned reader of newspapers and magazines, and also possessed a natural abundance of expressive gifts.]

From: “Amaryllis”

To: “Toulouse Trotter”

Subject: No Subject

dearest toulouse, it has taken many hours to put these thoughts to paper — i have only recently heard of your most terrible tragedy. i have learned everything (please forgive my “abominable” typing — I am sorry but i don’t yet know how to use the spell-check). what a wonderful boy he was! if you do not wish to write back it will be ok. i know you must be suffering so. i’m sorry i didn’t write you during the week but was playing a stupid game, waiting for you to write ME first. i DO know everything now — even that my oldest and dearest friend topsy is your father (!). he is such a good man and saved my live! and the babies too, i think. you are blessed even if it seems that god has done something so unfair by taking dearest edward away. he is with the angels now, and should be a saint if john paul has anything to say about it. PLEASE write soon and again, i am sorry for being “petulant.” love, amaryllis

ps my love to pull-man

From: “Toulouse Trotter”

To: “Amaryllis”

Subject: No Subject

amaryllis, thank you for your note and i’m sorry it has been so long to get back. i didn’t even check my email for the longest time. since you already know, i will tell you now that i DID know my father was the man who had helped you — i knew but made a vow not to say it and i hope you will forgive me. but it is something i did not know for the longest time either. it took edward, as usual, to put the pieces together. actually, and i don’t think he would mind me telling you this, edward put the pieces together with the help of his MOTHER, who actually TOLD him (!) (did your foster mother tell you?) edward said that you and my father already knowing each another was “karma.” have you ever heard of karma? it seems to be a buddhist concept. lucy and i are still trying to adjust to him not being here — as if that will ever be possible. most of the time it feels like he is away at the hospital (where he used to go periodically). sometimes lucy and i drive around in the buggy — we tied one of his scarves at the end of the antenna so that it flaps like a flag — or just lie around his house. (we have not yet gone thru the ceiling trapdoor into your old room) that way, we feel his presence near. we avoid the workshop too because it is still a bit eerie to see all of his masks. we always keep a seat for him at the majestyk when we screen movies. it is the empty one between us. there are no longer doctors and nurses everywhere and that’s a good thing but joyce (edward’s mother) is having a hard time so there’s usually one nurse here at night who stays in the main residence. lucy has had sleepovers at saint-cloud a lot. (the place you were nearly “arrested” at, remember??!!) sincerely, toulouse

ps. she has been depressed and her parents want her to take a drug for it. that is so insane! (she has assured me she most certainly will not take a single pill because it would make her gain weight.) also, she has not been writing her book.

pps pullman sends his love

From: “Amaryllis”

To: “Toulouse Trotter”

Subject: No Subject

dearest toulouse. thank you for writing back so promptly. i apologize for spelling your name incorrectly in my previous note. you are SUCH a good speller! lani has shown me how to use the spell-check but i’m worried their are words it does not include. no, my foster mom did not tell me but we have since talked about it and she thinks it is AMAZING. how is everything? i hope you are feeling better. yes, things will never be the same without him but you must cherish the time you had with edward while he was here — which i know you and lucy already do. (I don’t mean I am condescendant.) i looked up karma on the internet. it said that the universe is a wheel and that all its creatures turned upon the wheel and that you couldn’t leave the wheel until you realized you were part of brahma? but what IS brahma. i have done my share of studying of the religions especially the field of those who are in line for sainthood. i have studied the royal kumari, but the lives they lead are so different than this experience of the wheel — they return to their villages after they are done. i guess that is getting off the wheel but in a different way?

i’m sorry but the spel-check does not work today love, amaryllis

From: “Amaryllis”

To: “Toulouse Trotter”

Subject: No Subject

dear DEAREST toulouse, they have also beatified TWO popes. one of them has met resistance because it was reported that he called the jewish “dogs.” we should all be such wonderful “dogs” as pull-man, so that is a complement?

From: “Amaryllis”

To: “Toulouse Trotter”

Subject: No Subject

ps — i’m sorry i pressed *send* before i wanted to ask why are you called harliquinboy?

From: “Toulouse Trotter”

To: “Amaryllis”

Subject: a swami sandwich on rye

pullman is of the harlequin breed of great danes. edward always thought harlequinboy was dumb but i like it because it reminds me of pullie. besides, so many email names are already taken it gets boring trying to be clever.

do you think you will ever get your own account? and do you think that your foster mom ever “E-avesdrops”?

i was very interested in what you wrote. it made me thing of pullman too though it bothered me to read on one of the *karma* websites that people of “evil” were in danger of being reborn as dogs or pigs, both of whom i feel to be often more advanced than animals of the “human” variety. if that is their true belief then I would think twice about becoming a buddhist. one thing i did read i thought pretty interesting. it was called the *law of the last thought* and said the thoughts or ideas that come to a person at the time of his death are responsible for his next life. what if a person who is in the middle of realizing how to make the perfect potato chip suddenly dies?!!? or what if a person forces himself to think “i will live forever” during his last moment. it made me wonder what EDWARD’S last thought was and i can’t help but think it was something really mean & witty. at least i hope it was. your friend, toulouse

p. s. i was also wondering if pullman could have a thought, and what that thought might be. aside from food!

pps i can just see edward as a swami, with a turban of his own design. it’s funny but when i think of him now, i never picture him with his face covered and i never see the brace. i just see him normal, and able to move around. corny, huh.

From: “Toulouse Trotter”

To: “Amaryllis”

Subject: internet superhighway fatalities

i forgot to tell you this weird thing that happened while i was searching “*karma*” i suddenly get this bizarre message on my computer: **unexpected trappable error. a fatal error occurred in an external object.** it was like the computer was trying to explain karma! or at least PART of karma, i guess. it was very nearly the computer’s “last thought”!!! i wonder what my computer was before it was a computer. maybe a dishwasher?!! kinda rad, huh. i wonder what they mean by *trappable* tho.

my mom owes me a birthday party. maybe we can see each other?

have you spoken to my father? i see him a lot now but don’t like to ask him about you. (not that i don’t want to) he DID say he saw you, and the motts. he said you told him you were actually looking for him that day you met me and my cousins on boulder’s movie. how weird is THAT? it made me sad to think of you back then so all alone. but you had him and he had you and that’s the main thing, no? and then you met US.

From: “Toulouse Trotter”

To: “Amaryllis”

Subject: i-mail

we should do instant mail?

From: “Amaryllis”

To: “Toulouse Trotter”

Subject: SORRY SORRY SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!

my dearest DEAREST darling toulouse, i am SO SO SORRY i did not write yesterday but i was with my brother and sister at california adventure. there is a limousine ride where they make you feel like a star arriving at a premiere and i so thought of boulder! on another ride we got wet wet wet!!! the babies were SO HAPPY.

when when WHEN was your BIRTHDAY?????????? what sign are you? are you 14 yet?

i did talk to topsy last week but only on the phone. /i still call him that because that is what he used to call himself./ i told him about the day i met you and boulder and everyone. how is she? i want to see the movie she made. is she making others? did you know that she visited mac (the place i was staying and went a.w.o.l. from? but i never got a chance to talk to her.) but i think i may have told you that already. topsy told me he sees you a lot and that makes me glad. but do you think WE could see each other soon? i want to give you a birthday KISS. i have not talked to my foster parents about it yet. (and NO, lani would NEVER read what you wrote me. she knows i would KILL her. just kidding.) but i don’t think they would say no. would your mother? we could go to trader joe’s, the place we all went to dinner that was polynesian. the food was SO GOOD!!!! i have to go — lani says i MUST do homewwork. she has threatened to RESTRICT my email if I don’t go RIGHT NOW! your friend and love, amaryllis

p. s. that was SO INTERESTING about what happened when you looked for karma. i guess it was your karma?!! and i KNOW what pull-man’s last thought would be: how to EAT the perfect potato chip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From: “Amaryllis”

To: “Toulouse Trotter”

Subject: re: i-mail

lani is so freaked about computers that she only has HOTMAIL and cannot do INSTANT. I think INSTANT is available on HOTMAIL but lani doesn’t know how to do it and i think the other person has to have HOTMAIL too.

love, amaryllis

From: “Toulouse Trotter”

To: “Amaryllis”

Subject: summer RULES

hi, am. that’s short for amaryllis. my mother always shortens names — she used to call me “tull” but not so much anymore. now everyone calls me mostly toulouse. my father kind of named me that. but there was a famous french painter too called toulouse lautrec. he was short in stature but amazing. he has a tattoo about it (my father, not the short painter) which is actually a very bad french pun. if i call you am, you can say “i think therefore i am.” that’s a bad pun too. guess it runs in the family.

i was fourteen in march. i am an aries — the ram. (i think therefore, i ram. sorry!!!!!) are you thirteen yet?

my father and i are spending more time together and he and my mom have seen each other too. but all of us haven’t really been together at the same time because i think my mom is being somewhat protective of me, but mostly of herself. (occasionally she sees him when he’s picking me up or dropping me off and i can tell by the way they look at each other that they still love that maybe they are still in love.) my grandfather seems happier too because my grandma bluey is doing better. she has alzheimer’s. did i tell you that he was actually going to sue my aunt joyce (edward’s mother; grandpa’s daughter-in-law) so that he could dig up eddie’s grave and bury him over on “his side”? how fucked up is THAT? i think he’s getting a little crazy in his old age. it runs in the family, you know. meanwhile my aunt is busy burying babies that are donated to her after police find them in dumpsters. (she is burying the babies on “edward’s side,” which further freaks my grandfather out.) what a family!!!!! the trotters are INSANE

i am really glad you are spending time with your brother and sis. they must be SO HAPPY. in a way, i think it is good they were so young when all those bad things happened to them. sometimes i think that is a blessing but maybe i am wrong.

i think my father may be moving back from santa barbara soon. my uncle dodd owns a lot of houses near his old grammar school and i think my dad father is going to move into one. i don’t think he enjoys living his life with such opulence and that house in santa barbara is a real mansion. i think he gets lonely up there too. also, his main psychotherapist is in beverly hills. living in one of my uncle’s houses, he can pretty much walk everywhere he needs to go. also, he is getting rid of those men who were always around him for whatever reason — making sure he didn’t go apeshit!!! or whatever. i think maybe he will keep just ONE of them but mostly in case he needs to drive somewhere. the man can take him. (my dad still doesn’t have a license. that makes two of us.)

i would VERY much like to see you and mentioned it to mom. i think she may have spoken to lani already? maybe not so don’t mention it to YOUR mom. it will be summer soon and trinnie was talking about taking us (me and lucy) to the adirondacks. my grandfather has owned a house (it is called *twig house*) there for i think forty years. wouldn’t it be cool if you could go! but maybe you have plans for the summer and are going to school or something. your foster parents might object.

the name of that place we all went to was trader vic’s and it is the COOLEST. the sundaes are called SNOWBALLS, remember? it’s so hard thinking of a summer without edward. i’ve never had one before.

ps. does “foster parents” sound lame?

love, Toulouse

From: “Amaryllis”

To: “Toulouse Trotter”

Subject: oh my god, said am

oh my god toulouse summer at that place with you and lucy would be so cool & crazy!!! i didn’t mention anything to lani yet.

i am a libra. i will be thirteen in five months. i will cook dinner for you.

what is a “french pun”?

i am very sorry about the alzheimer’s and have looked it up on the internet.

i went with my brother and sister went to the OLD disneyland. my brother is soooo cute!!! (my sister is too) they were on the roger rabbit. did you know a bunch of kids died on it? my friends at school say people die on it all the time, like once a week, but everyone is paid by the lawyers not to talk about it. toulouse — there is something i wanted to speak about to you but if you don’t want to then it is ok. that time when we went to that weird tower and i acted in a certain way and you told me to stop. i have felt so bad about it and want you to know that is not the way i am. i really care about you and it hurts me to think that YOU might think i am someone else than i really am. i don’t know what was wrong with me that day. i would like you to one day be my boyfriend and would not want you to think i was a *ho* even though i acted in a slutty way. i am so absolutely NOT!

and oh oh oh! my mother just came in the room and said she talked to YOUR mom and that we could see each other SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!! (she said it will be *supervised*) that is, if you still want to after i brought up that old thing that happened in the tower. but anyway, if you still want to see me, i can’t wait!!!!!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxoooooooooooo your ***MORE*** than friend, AM (“am” i in love?)

p. s. it is ok to say *foster parents* but you can just say parents too.

From: “Amaryllis”

To: “Toulouse Trotter”

Subject: sorry

dearest Toulouse, please forgive me if i discussed things that you would rather me not to bring up ever again. when i said that i wanted you to one day be my boyfriend, that can be in the very distant future if at all. i will wait until you feel it is the right time, if ever. until then, i will never talk about you being my boyfriend again. your FRIEND, i am and will always be … amaryllis

p. s. xxxxxxxxxoooooooo

p. s.s. xxoo

From: “Toulouse Trotter”

To: “Amaryllis”

Subject: No Subject

dear amar, (wasn’t that your “moroccan” name?!) i am sorry i haven’t written a full email in awhile but things got “hairy” because lucy read your last letter! she came over to see pullman and i wasn’t home so she SNOOPED. she wouldn’t even tell me what was wrong for about TWO HOURS later and then she totally freaked out. she always acted like she was my girlfriend but i don’t feel that way toward her. (i don’t love her the way that i like you.) i was mad at her for snooping but then i felt bad because she has been through so much and the fact that we have been emailing (you and i) and i haven’t even told her about it not that it is any of her business. and that you said certain things that made her very JEALOUS …

i told trinnie about it and she and lucy had a “heart-to-heart”—she went with her to iceland! there was a party for that singer bjork who my mom is big friends with (bjork even met edward once). now I’M the one who is jealous! but they called from granppa’s jet and mom says lucy is ok. trinnie can be great for lifting people’s spirits like that — but when MOM goes down, there’s no one who can do the same for her. she IS feeling better in general about her life, i think, because things are going well with my dad. he is making great progress and mom has been helping him decorate his house. (did i tell you he moved?) one night he even had my mom and diane keaton over for dinner. (she was in both of the “godfathers” and used to be my father’s client.) have to go now but i think our moms have spoken about us going to magic mountain or disneyland?

From: “Amaryllis”

To: “Toulouse Trotter”

Subject: LOVE

to my dearest boyfriend toulouse, i LOVE LOVE LOVED disneyland! and when you kissed me behind the roger rabbit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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amaryllis (am) (your little tiger)

From: “Amaryllis”

To: “Toulouse Trotter”

Subject: LITTLE TIGER LOVE

i miss pullie! he is sooooooooo cute! i like him to slobber on me!!!!! did you know there was a famous dog from paris who was made a saint by the people? but there is someone else i miss MUCH, MUCH more. and he is a boy. and that boy is YOU. i LOVE YOU

From: “Toulouse Trotter”

To: “Amaryllis”

Subject: No Subject

dear l.t., I had lots of fun too. my mom likes lani and gilles very much and said that the next time we see each other, my dad would like to even come. LOVE, tull (toulouse)

From: “Amaryllis”

To: “Toulouse Trotter”harlequinboy@home.com

Subject: LOVE