If I Die

22

Beck’s eyes went wide. He gasped, and that sudden intake seemed to last forever. Blood poured from his chest, sluicing over the hilt of the knife to soak my comforter.

“Hellion-forged steel, huh?” I whispered, with all the volume I could manage. Guess I found something that will kill an incubus. The question was, would it capture his soul?

Beck blinked one more time, his eyes already losing focus. I forced myself up on one elbow, my other hand clutching at my own wounds, blood pouring through my fingers. He fell backward on the bed, his head hanging off the edge. And while I watched, paralyzed by the burning pain spreading out from the core of my body, a dark aura developed around him, darkening by the second.

He was dying. I’d killed him. But Beck’s death wouldn’t prevent my own.

I lay back on the bed, terrified by the feel of my own blood pouring through my fingers, racked by pain I could never have imagined. There was so much blood between us, I could practically taste it in the air, and the thick, coppery scent made me gag with each breath.

Desperate now, I dug in my pocket with my free hand, horrified by the darkness growing on the edges of my vision. That wasn’t Beck’s death aura—that was me losing consciousness. I was dying. Was my reaper already here? Tod had said I wouldn’t see him….

I flipped the phone open and held it up long enough to press and hold the number four. Then my hand fell back on the mattress, useless.

While the phone rang, I turned my head, my left cheek pressed into the mattress. Beck lay inches away, and as I watched, the phone still ringing faintly from my open palm, I saw his soul struggle up from his body, like it wanted to rise. And almost as fast as it appeared, it began to trail toward his chest, like smoke pulled up a chimney by an unseen draft.

His soul was cloudy and streaked with dark ribbons of smut, and as Tod answered his phone with a greeting I didn’t have the strength to answer, Beck’s soul seemed to soak into the hilt of the dagger until a second later there wasn’t a trace of it left.

“Hello?” Tod said again. “Kaylee? Are you all right?”

I opened my mouth but what came out wasn’t a real word. I could only manage a hint of sound riding a pain-laden sigh. Then my eyes closed, and I was alone with the sound of my own irregular breathing.

“Kaylee?” Tod sounded closer now, and when his hand brushed hair back from my face, I would have jumped, if I’d had the strength. “No…! Kaylee, wake up. Please wake up.”

Tod was crying. I’d never heard him cry before.

I forced one eye open, and there he was on his knees by the bed, still clutching his own phone. “So sorry,” I mouthed, but the words carried no sound. I was so sorry for what I’d done to Nash, but I couldn’t tell him. And that meant he couldn’t tell Nash.

“You’re gonna be okay.” Tod dropped his phone and slid one arm beneath my shoulders, the other beneath my knees. “Can you put pressure on the wound?”

But I couldn’t even shake my head in answer. I couldn’t move.

“I’m taking you to the hospital, but I can’t go that far in one shot carrying you, so we’ll have to stop a couple of times on the way. Okay?”

I couldn’t answer, but that didn’t matter. I closed my eyes, then opened them almost immediately when something cold and wet fell on my face. It was raining softly, and I was outside, in a parking lot I didn’t recognize. The lot faded, and the next instant Tod stood in a park, still clutching me to his chest, still crying.

My eyes fell shut again, and a second later, a familiar, antiseptic scent burned my nose, while bright lights rendered the world red and veiny through my closed eyelids.

I blinked, and the hospital came into view. A hallway, full of beeps, and voices, and the steady metallic clink of carts wheeled on linoleum. Tod laid me on a stretcher and pressed something to my stomach. It didn’t hurt anymore, and that should have scared me, but nothing scared me more than seeing him cry.

Reapers don’t cry. They don’t. But I’d made Tod cry. And he didn’t even know what I’d done yet.

“They’re going to fix you, Kaylee,” he said, leaning down to whisper in my ear. “I promise.”

I shook my head, but Tod stepped back anyway, pulling his hand out of mine. He glanced down the hall, toward the source of most of the noise. “Hey, somebody help! This girl’s bleeding!”

“My dad…” I mouthed, when I couldn’t force any more sound, and Tod nodded. Then he disappeared.

A second later, footsteps pounded toward me, and the first nurse appeared from around the corner, clad in Looney Tunes–print scrubs. “Holy—” She yelled something else I couldn’t focus on, and more people came running. They wheeled me past a long desk and into a room full of equipment, and someone started cutting my remaining clothes off.

Minutes later—or seconds; I’d lost all sense of time—Tod reappeared with my father in tow.

“Kaylee!” my dad shouted, and a man in scrubs held him back. “That’s my daughter!”

“Sir, how did you get in here?”

My dad threw one punch, and the nurse hit the floor. In the next instant, he was at my side, and someone was yelling that he could stay, if he stayed out of the way.

“Kaylee…” Tears trailed down his face as he brushed hair back from my head. Someone pushed him aside and an oxygen mask was lowered over my face, then he was back and Tod was with him.

They watched me, tears standing in their eyes, and every time I blinked, it became a struggle to open my eyes again. I didn’t hear the questions, the slosh of liquids, or the crackle of sealed packages being opened. I didn’t feel the needles, or the sterile solution, or the pulse monitor clipped over my finger. I only saw Tod and my dad. The men who loved me. I wished I could tell them how sorry I was that I’d ruined everything.

Then I blinked, and the world dimmed. And suddenly a little redheaded boy was there, completely out of place in an E.R. operating room. He pulled Tod away from the bed and said something I couldn’t hear.

Levi.

It was time. Levi had come to reap my soul.

But instead, he handed Tod a slip of paper, watching solemnly as he read it, and Tod gaped at him. Then shook his head. Levi repeated whatever he’d said, then gestured to me with one open hand. Tod crossed his arms over his chest and held his ground. And finally I understood.

Levi wasn’t my reaper. Tod was. By bringing me to the hospital, Tod had put me on his own reaping list. And he was refusing to kill me.

I glanced up at my dad, but he was still crying, still stroking my hair, and he saw nothing else.

The boy frowned up at Tod, like he was waiting for something. For the reaper he’d recruited and trained to concede logic and give in. But Tod only shook his head, one last time.

Levi’s frown deepened, and he reached up toward Tod’s chest with one small hand. Tod’s blue eyes widened, and his mouth fell open. His soul streamed out of his body and curled around Levi’s tiny fist like a handful of incorporeal cotton. Tod glanced at me and blinked once. Then he disappeared.

He was just…gone.

No…! I screamed, but no sound came out. The pain in my heart swallowed the pain in my stomach like the ocean devours a single drop of rain. Thoughtless, wordless agony washed over me, a loss like I’d never felt before. I was hollow, empty of everything but pain, and the ghost memory of blue eyes watching me, seeing me like no one else ever had. Those eyes would never look at me again. They would never blink, or swirl, or shine. They were gone. Tod was gone.

My entire world was pain.

I couldn’t see through my tears, and when they finally fell, Levi stood next to my father, heedless of the nurses and doctors who stepped through him to get to me. “I’m so sorry, Kaylee,” he said. “He didn’t give me any choice.”

Then he placed one hand over my eyes, and the world went black.

I don’t know what happened while the world was gone, but when it came back, the light was too bright to bear, even with my eyes closed. I blinked, and that brightness intensified beyond my threshold for pain, like a bolt of lightning through my brain. I blinked again, and my eyes began to adjust.

And my brain finally caught up.

“What the hell…?” I whispered, surprised by how rough my voice sounded, until I remembered what happened.

“This isn’t hell, Kaylee. Far from it.”

I jerked in surprise, then sat up so fast my head swam. A woman stood in front of me, wearing a brown suit jacket and skirt. Her hair was short, and her nose was long. Before I had a chance to ask her anything, I realized I was naked from the waist up. And sitting on a cold, metal table.

Mortified, I grabbed the plain white sheet that had fallen when I sat up and clutched it to my chest. Then I stared at the wall of stainless-steel drawers to my left. And the three other metal gurneys on my right.

I was in the morgue.

“Did I die?” I asked, my voice virtually toneless with shock.

“Yes,” a familiar voice said from behind me, and I turned to watch Levi circle my table. “But Madeline has asked for an audience with you. Please give her your full attention.”

Before I could process that, Madeline cleared her throat, and I glanced at her automatically. “Kaylee, we’d like to offer you the opportunity to—”

“No.” I clutched the sheet tighter and stared her right in the eyes. “I don’t want to be a reaper.” Not after what had happened to Tod. How could they ever think I’d work for them after they killed him?

Her left brow arched dramatically. “That’s not what we want, either. I work for the reclamation department, and we could use your services.”

“Doing what?” I frowned, glancing from Madeline to Levi, then back to her.

“Reclaiming souls from those they don’t belong to.”

“Stolen souls? From hellions?” Shouldn’t my heart be pounding? The very thought terrified me. But my heart refused to beat. Because I was dead.

“No, you would be working here, in the human world. As a female bean sidhe, you’re uniquely suited to what we do. And frankly, we’re drastically understaffed.”

“Can you…make me alive again?”

“No, not like you were.” Madeline glanced at her hands, clasped in front of her. “Unfortunately, no one can do that. But we can do almost as well.”

“You’d exist in form similar to that of a reaper,” Levi supplied. “But with a different skill set.”

Like a reaper. Like Tod, who’d had a physical form whenever he’d wanted it. Who’d been able to stay with his family. Until I’d gotten him killed, and Nash framed for my murder.

“No,” I repeated, eyeing Madeline steadily. “I’ve seen how you reward people cursed with an afterlife. No way.”

“I don’t think you understand the opportunity you’re passing up, Kaylee.” Madeline crossed her arms over her suit jacket. “Not just for you, but for everyone you care about. As things stand now, your best friend is devastated and your father is inconsolable. And your boyfriend…”

“Ex…” Levi supplied, laying one arm on the gurney, over the sheet that covered me.

Madeline began again. “Your ex-boyfriend is sitting in a jail cell, sick with withdrawal from a very powerful substance and about to be charged with your murder.”

“But that’s not possible.” My hands clenched around the cold sheet in frustration and anger. “I killed Mr. Beck. They must have found his body. They have to know he killed me.” Yet I couldn’t quite wrap my mind around the sentence I’d just spoken.

Levi watched me in what may have been sympathy. Or possibly impatience. “Kaylee, you and the incubus were stabbed with the same instrument, seconds apart, on your bed. At the moment, the police believe that Nash found you there together, and that he killed you both in a jealous rage.”

I shook my head, clinging to denial. “Fingerprints. His fingerprints aren’t there.”

Levi shrugged. “They’ll say he wiped them off. He’s a smart boy. Smart enough to wrap your dying hands around the hilt of the knife.”

“No!” My dad would know better, as would Harmony, Emma and Sabine. But no one had actually seen Beck stab me—Em and Sophie had already been asleep when he’d arrived—and thanks to her criminal record, Sabine would make the world’s worst alibi for Nash.

Nash could actually go down for this. And without Tod to break him out, he would spend the rest of his life in jail. Because I’d helped Beck frame him.

I couldn’t let that happen.

“You’re saying that if I do this thing for you, this job, you’ll help Nash?”

Madeline frowned, and I knew I wasn’t going to like whatever came next. “It’s more than just this one job, Kaylee. It’s a commitment to work for the reclamation department. In exchange, you’ll be granted an afterlife with certain physical privileges—and a few unavoidable limitations—for as long as you remain in our employ.”

“Limitations?”

She lifted one brow in what may have been amusement. “Most people are more interested in the advantages.”

“Fine,” I snapped. “What are those?”

“Immortality, of course. Agelessness.”

“Those sound like limitations to me. Who wants to be sixteen forever?” And alone, at that. I didn’t want to watch my friends and family age and die. I didn’t want the world to move on without me. I didn’t want to face eternity on my own.

And she must have seen that on my face.

“And, of course, the biggest advantage is the chance to help Mr. Hudson.”

She meant Nash. But I couldn’t help thinking about Tod, too. He’d died—again—for me.

“Would you really let Nash go down for my murder, knowing he’s innocent?” I demanded.

“Would you?” Madeline’s gaze held steady. Based on her eyes, I knew she had a soul, but based on her cold, hard demeanor, I’d guess she hadn’t recently found use for her heart. “We can’t intervene on behalf of every innocent man sent to prison, Kaylee. The reclamation department is only willing to expend its resources on Nash’s behalf if we’ll be getting something in return—your services. It’s your choice.”

“What could you do for him?”

“As a signing bonus, if you agree to work for us, the reclamation department will arrange for Mr. Hudson’s escape from police custody.”

“So he can be on the run for the rest of his life? No way.” I shook my head firmly, desperately hoping I wasn’t pushing my luck. Hoping they needed me as badly as it sounded like they needed me.

“How long since I died?” I asked. If Nash hadn’t been charged yet, it couldn’t have been that long.

“Only a couple of hours,” Madeline answered.

“But…” That didn’t make any sense. “It took you guys more than a week to bring Tod back as a reaper after he died.” He’d actually been buried and everything.

Madeline glanced at Levi with a small, arrogant smile, then met my gaze again. “Reapers are a dime a dozen, Kaylee. The reclamation department has considerably more resources and, in this case, much stronger motivation. We need your help with something very important, and we need it soon. So we expedited the process.”

I nodded slowly, still thinking. “You have to make it go away, or my answer’s no.”

“You want us to clear Nash’s name?”

“No, I want to clear his name.” I’d dragged him into this; I had to get him out of it. “I want you to make the crime disappear. No murder. I was attacked by my math teacher—to which I’m willing to testify—but I survived, and Nash had nothing to do with it.”

“Kaylee, we can’t reverse your death.”

“I know.” I sucked in a deep breath, relieved that my lungs seemed to work, even if my heart didn’t. “But you can cover it up. If I work for you, I get to keep my body, right? Like Tod did?”

“You can become corporeal at will, yes,” Madeline said slowly, obviously starting to follow my train of thought.

“Then who says I died? I haven’t been buried. I haven’t been autopsied…”

“Kaylee, you died in a public hospital,” Levi pointed out. “Your death has been documented. It was witnessed.”

I shrugged, still watching Madeline. “So make the paperwork go away. The news stories could just be false reports of my death. That’s happened before, right? And you can make the witnesses forget, can’t you? People see things. It’s inevitable. So someone must be cleaning up after them, right? You must have someone who can make them forget…”

Her frown deepened, but I could see the possibility in her eyes. “Kaylee, what you’re suggesting is quite complicated and would require considerable resources….”

“But you can do it, right?” I held my breath—or rather, I stopped breathing—waiting for her answer, hoping I was right.

Madeline glanced at Levi, and he shrugged. Then she turned to me again. “Yes. It’s possible. But only at great expense, and I’m not convinced your services are worth what you’re asking for.”

“Really?” I lifted my eyebrows, resisting the urge to cross my fingers. “So, you have other female bean sidhes? You already have someone who can call out to the soul you want reclaimed?”

I knew I’d won when her gaze narrowed and her jaw clenched.

“Fine. It’ll take a couple of hours to set up, but…you never died. You were transferred to a private hospital to recover, and you’ll be rejoining your classmates in a couple of weeks. After you’ve finished this first job for us.” I nodded, trying not to visibly gloat. “But Kaylee, that won’t last,” she warned. “You can finish school—you might even make it through college—but eventually people are going to notice that you don’t age. You’re going to have to disappear.”

“I know.” But that was no big deal—if I’d lived, I’d have looked thirty on my one hundredth birthday. I’d always expected to have to disappear eventually.

I took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. “There’s one more thing….”

Madeline blew on my signature to dry the ink, then handed me my copy of the contract. I’d read the whole thing, and even understood most of it. And thanks to Addison’s mistakes, I knew to demand my own copy.

“We’re so pleased to have you on board, Kaylee,” she said, folding her copy of my contract into thirds while I folded the hospital gown and laid it on the empty bed, glad to be wearing real clothes again, even if they’d been “borrowed” from some other patient. “We’ll be in touch very soon about your first assignment.”

I didn’t care that she was pleased. I didn’t give a damn about the assignment. I just wanted to go home.

“Are you ready?” Levi asked, watching me closely through his dead child eyes, and it occurred to me for the first time how much he and I had in common. I’d lived longer, but he’d been dead longer. And someday I might catch up to him.

“Yeah.” I accepted the hand he held out, then took one final glance around the empty hospital room we’d appropriated for my statement to the police. “Get me out of here.”

I closed my eyes and waited for the dizziness and disorientation that usually accompanied reaper-travel. But I felt nothing. The first indication I had that we’d left the hospital was the change in temperature. Then the whisper of hushed voices.

I opened my eyes, still holding Levi’s hand. We stood in Nash’s kitchen, alone, but I could hear movement and voices from the living room. And crying. Everyone was here, because my house was the scene of a double homicide, my mattress still soaked with two types of blood—one of them mine.

“How much do they know?” I asked, still invisible and inaudible as long as I held his hand.

“Only that Nash has been released. I thought you’d want to tell them the rest yourself.”

I nodded. “Thanks.” Then I let go of his hand.

“Good luck, Kaylee,” Levi said. Then he disappeared.

I took a deep breath. Then I took another. I’d figured out quickly how to make my lungs work, but the process was no longer automatic, because it was no longer necessary. But breathing made me feel more…normal, so I took one more breath, then pushed open the swinging kitchen door and stepped into the living room.

Emma was the first to look up, from an armchair in one corner, while my dad and Harmony held one another, her head on his shoulder, their faces red and tear-streaked.

It broke my heart to see my father cry.

“Kaylee?” Emma said. Her jaw dropped open, and Harmony sat up straight, staring at me. Then my father’s gaze met mine, and I burst into tears.

“Kay?” He was there in an instant, feeling my arms, holding my face. Trying to convince himself that I was real. I couldn’t say anything—couldn’t think of what to say—so I hugged him instead, squeezing him as hard as I could, breathing him in until he clutched me back, finally convinced.

“What happened?” he asked, on the tail of the most relieved sob I’d ever heard. “You died. I saw you die.” They hadn’t fixed his memory—I’d asked them not to.

“I made a deal, Dad. I had to, to make things right.”

“What kind of deal?”

“Aiden,” Harmony said from behind him, and her voice was so somber, so heartbroken, that I let go of him and looked up to find her watching me, blond curls in disarray, blue eyes so full of grief I could hardly stand to look at them. She didn’t know about Tod yet—not for sure. Not if Levi hadn’t told her. So was she grieving for me? “She signed on with the reapers.”

“Did you…?” my dad asked, turning back to me in horror, and I shook my head.

“Not exactly. I’ll explain it all later, but for now, can we just…” But I didn’t have any way to finish that sentence.

“But you’re back, right?” Emma asked, still standing across the room. She looked pale, and confused, and a little scared. “However you did it, you’re really back?”

“Not quite as good as new, but yeah. I’m back.” I held my arms out and she ran into them, squeezing me so tight I was almost glad I didn’t need to breathe.

“I woke up, and he was on your bed, and Sophie was screaming!” she sobbed into my hair. “And there was so much blood, and you were gone!”

And Emma and Sophie were all alone with a dead incubus, and they had no idea what had happened. They must have been terrified.

“Beck’s dead,” I said, holding her while she cried. “Everything’s going to be fine. Different. But fine.” That’s what I’d been telling myself over and over for the past few hours, while I waited for Madeline to get everything set up. While I waited for word from Levi, which never came. “How’s Sophie?” I asked my dad, without letting go of Emma.

“Traumatized, but she’ll be fine. Your uncle’s decided to tell her everything. The secrets have become too much for them both.”

I nodded. It was overdue.

Harmony watched me over Emma’s shoulder, arms wrapped around her own stomach, like something hurt deep inside. I wanted to hug her, but I wasn’t sure she’d want to touch me after what I’d done. I wanted apologize for what I’d put her through. For what I’d let happen to her sons, after she’d already lost so much. But I didn’t have the words to make either of us feel better.

“They were supposed to release Nash…” I said finally, when Em let me go.

Harmony nodded. “Sabine went to pick him up from questioning half an hour ago. He…he didn’t want me to come.” She glanced at the ground, then back up at me. “They said he’d been cleared, but they didn’t say how.”

“I gave a statement to the police. There’s going to be a story about it on the news tonight. They’re going to say there was a mix-up at the hospital and that the reports of my death were made in error.” That was almost a direct quote, from Madeline. As was the next part. “Arlington Memorial is telling reporters I was transferred to an undisclosed hospital for privacy, because of the high-profile nature of my case.” A sixteen-year-old girl attacked and nearly killed in her own home by a male teacher… Evidently that was a brow-raiser. “And I’m going to be fine.”

Before anyone could come up with a response beyond utter, speechless surprise, a car rumbled to a stop outside, and Harmony leaned over the couch to peek out the front window. “It’s Nash…” She rubbed her hands on her jeans nervously, then opened the front door. A minute later, Sabine led Nash in with one arm around his waist. He looked sick and exhausted, like he was the one who’d almost died.

Nash froze when he saw me, and anger raged in his eyes. He let go of Sabine and glared at me, and I felt my father at my back, a silent, solid presence, which Nash didn’t even seem to notice. “What the hell did you do?” he demanded, his voice low and rough, but blessedly free of Influence.

“I told them you didn’t do it. I cleared you,” I said, unable to quash the guilt I was drowning in with every word.

“You framed me for a double murder,” Nash spat, and Sabine glared at me from his side, her eyes dark and even scarier than usual. “Why, Kaylee?”

“I’m so sorry,” I said, tears filling my eyes. But there was nothing I could do or say to make things right between me and Nash. Not now. Not after everything we’d done to each other. How was it possible that a relationship I’d once thought was meant to be could have spawned so much pain? Addiction. Lies. Betrayal. Unfaithfulness. Manipulation by Influence. And now suspicion of two murders. We couldn’t have hurt each other worse if we’d been trying.

“I’m so sorry, Nash,” I said again. Because I had to try. “Beck made me. He had a knife, and he was going to—” But I couldn’t finish that thought. I didn’t want Emma to know what Beck had threatened to do to her and Sophie. Ever. “I’m so, so sorry.” And I’d be paying for what I’d done to him with every single day of my afterlife.

“Nash, she died,” Emma said softly. “That bastard stabbed her and tried to steal her soul.”

Sabine’s eyes widened, and I could see some of her anger fade, but Nash…

“What soul?” Nash stomped past me unsteadily on his way to his room, and we all stared after him.

“He doesn’t mean that,” Harmony said, and my father wrapped one arm around her in sympathy. “He’s…not himself.”

I nodded. It was my fault Nash wasn’t himself, but I couldn’t quite believe that he didn’t mean it. Wouldn’t I hate him if he’d framed me for murder? Hadn’t I hated him just a little, after what happened in the parking lot? And that was nothing, compared to what I’d done.

“Kaylee…” Harmony said, and I could see the question in the slow, pain-filled swirl of pale blue in her eyes, demanding—yet dreading—to know the extent of her loss. “Where’s Tod? He’s not answering his phone.”

Tears filled my eyes again, and my dad pulled me close.

“Harmony…” he began, and I realized then that he knew. He’d either seen Tod die, or he’d figured it out. But he hadn’t told her yet. “Tod refused to reap Kaylee’s soul. I’m so sorry.”

Harmony’s hands flew to her mouth, and her eyes watered. She dropped onto the couch and squeezed her eyes shut, but the tears leaked out anyway.

“I tried…” I whispered, as my own tears fell. “I tried to get him back, but Levi said there was nothing he could do.”

“And if you’d waited another hour, that would have been true.”

I froze in my father’s arms, and if my heart had been beating, surely it would have stopped at the sound of Tod’s voice. Harmony stood, red eyes wide, and I turned slowly.

Tod stood in front of the kitchen door, his arms crossed over his chest, his lips turned up in a half smile. He spread his arms, and I ran into them, and they closed around me, and I could feel him, warm and solid, and very real.

“Levi says, ‘Surprise,’” he whispered, and I pulled away just enough to look into his eyes. “I take it I have you to thank for this?”

Tears poured down my face and I was vaguely relieved to realize that I could still cry. “He said it was too late. He said he’d already turned your soul in,” I sobbed. “I thought you were gone….” I hugged him tighter—couldn’t get close enough—and he rubbed my back.

“He didn’t want to promise something he wasn’t sure he could deliver.” Tod stepped away so he could see my face. “Thank you, Kaylee,” he said, and I laughed at the absurdity, and the irony, and the inexpressible giddiness of getting a gift—a surprise, at that—from the very agent of death who’d taken my life.

“Does this make us even, Reaper?” I asked.

In answer, Tod kissed me.

And finally, my heart began to beat.