In the Company of Ogres

Thirty-two

Ned awoke in a tent. It was a nice tent, just large enough to hold a cot, a table, a chair, and a glowing heatstone. It was the wrong time of year for heatstones, and Ned wondered just how long he’d been dead this time.

“Just over five months,” said the Red Goddess, sitting in the chair. Her raven sat on her shoulder.

Ned pulled up the heavy blankets. “Took you long enough.”

“Don’t blame me,” she replied. “You were in the center of an obliterated galaxy. Takes a while to recover from that, and even I don’t have enough power for it. But I’m not the one who brought you back this time. I don’t do that anymore.”

“Oh, really? Who has the responsibility now?”

“You, Ned.”

“But I thought if I brought myself back, I’d come back as—”

“I think you’ve finally grown out of that.”

“But what about the Void?”

“What about it?” She stood. “You know it better than anyone. So why ask me?”

Ned concentrated. Deep, deep inside he sensed the ancient, unstoppable evil as it slumbered. This wasn’t the forced, uneasy doze of old, but a content, relaxed nap. The Void couldn’t change its nature, nor could it ever be destroyed, but it could sleep. And it might sleep forever, or at least until the natural end of this universe.

“Once it was held by a spell,” said the goddess, “but that was never a lasting solution. The only power that could ever hold the Mad Void in check was the Void itself. And now it does.

“That was the original intent of this business, you see. The spell was merely part of the process. As was each and every life it lived. A crash course in what it means to be mortal, to see the world in the way gods and demons never can. And you are the final result of that spell, Ned.”

“Me?” Ned sat up. “But I’m not very good at anything.”

“Exactly. You have no particular talents, no greatness, no exceptional skills or abilities. You can’t even keep yourself alive. You are incompetent and inconsequential, and I can think of no being in this universe farther removed from godhood.”

“Wait a minute.” Ned mulled this over. “You’re saying I’m supposed to be an idiot?”

“If it makes you feel better to think of it like that,” said the raven.

“You aren’t an idiot,” said the Red Goddess. “You’re just mortal. Very, very mortal. Perhaps too much so.” She put her hand on his cheek and smiled. “But that is your burden, Ned. Bear it well. The universe depends on it.”

She moved toward the tent flap. “If you’ll excuse me, I must return to my mountain. There are more threats to this world than just you, and I still have my duties. Take care, Ned.”

She stepped out of the tent, and Miriam stepped inside a moment later. Ned didn’t ask if she’d seen the Red Goddess leave.

Miriam’s fins raised. “Ned, you’re back.”

“I’m back.”

He stretched and noticed the absence of so many aches and pains that he’d grown used to carrying. He threw aside the blanket to reveal his naked body. His scars had vanished. His left arm remained a tad greenish, and his right eye was still missing, but everything else seemed in working order.

Miriam averted her gaze. “Sir?”

He jumped to his feet, grabbed her by the shoulders, and gave her a long, long kiss. The gesture surprised her, but she wrapped her arms around him and kissed him back.

He pulled back suddenly and started getting dressed.

“Ned, are you okay?” she asked.

“Great. I’m a boob. A complete, utter screwup. But I’m supposed to be, so that’s the good news.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Don’t worry about it.” He pulled on some breeches and grabbed his shirt. “But do you want to know something else?” He gave her a peck and ran his tongue across his lips. “I think I’m beginning to like the taste of fish.”

He exited the tent, and smiling, she followed him.

It was cold outside, but he didn’t seem to notice. He strolled briskly through the citadel, grinning and waving at everyone. Many of the soldiers didn’t recognize him without his scars, but they waved back. Most of Ogre Company was working to fix the damaged citadel, which had to be rebuilt from the ground up after its last siege.

A woolly ox pulling a cart of stones stopped and nodded in Ned’s direction.

“Good to see you too, Seamus,” replied Ned.

The ox snorted and continued on its way.

Ned stopped suddenly. “Oh, no. The deadline. Did I miss the deadline?”

“Don’t worry, sir. The Legion decided we weren’t such a waste of resources after all, once we filed a report on the doomsday battle with the demon army. They didn’t believe us at first. Until we had a goddess testify on our behalf. Even upper management couldn’t argue with that.”

They passed Elmer, who seemed to be deriving excessive pleasure from driving nails into boards. So much so that he didn’t notice Ned. But Ulga paused conjuring nails and waved at him. Lewis and Martin busily stacked stones in a large pile, but the twins still took the time to salute, and Ned saluted back.

Miriam held out his coat. “Aren’t you cold?”

He slipped it on. “Thanks.” “No problem, Ned.”

He leaned in to kiss her again.

“Excuse me, sir,” said Regina.

Ned froze mid-lean. “Archmajor, how are you?”

“Very well, sir,” the Amazon replied, “and you?”

“Pretty good.”

Frank appeared. His hands were bandaged. Ogre bones were slow to heal, but they’d mended enough to allow the use of his fingers. He had a black eye and a fresh purple bruise on his shoulder. He carried a club in one hand, a spear in the other. “Hey, Ned.”

Ned bobbed his head in Frank’s direction. “Hey, Frank.”

“Good to have you back, sir.” He tossed Regina the spear. “Are you ready?”

“Sure.” She nodded at Ned. “Take care, sir.”

The ogre and the Amazon walked away. Frank put his hand on her back, and she didn’t seem to mind.

“Are they dating now?” asked Ned.

“About four months,” said Miriam, “if you can call it dating. They mostly just beat the hell out of each other, and have drinks after. But Frank should best her any day now. Then they can get on with it.”

Ned wasn’t so certain of Frank’s victory. He was a formidable warrior, but no one could match Regina when it came down to sheer stubbornness. But one day after her fierce Amazon pride had been satisfied, she’d let him win.

“Maybe after he gets that promotion to commander,” thought Ned aloud.

“But you’re commander, sir,” said Miriam.

“Not anymore. I’m through with it, through with soldiering. I can’t make up for everything the Void’s done, but I can at least put aside my sword. Besides, I was always a terrible soldier. Frank is the best one for the job. He’s good with the men, and he’s big enough to keep their respect.”

“Regina isn’t going to like that.”

“She’ll get over it.”

The citadel was a jumble of tents now, but one building had been rebuilt. The new pub was not strictly up to code. The ceiling was a little low for ogres, and the structure leaned a bit to the left. It might collapse in a month or two, but it appeared safe for now. And Ned was thirsty.

Stepping inside the darkened building, he was immediately greeted with a round of cheers. Ward slapped Ned across the shoulder, sending Ned sprawling across the floor.

“Whoops,” said Ward. “Sorry about that, sir.” He helped Ned up. “What kept you?”

“Exploding galaxies takes a lot out of a guy,” replied Ned.

“In that case, sir,” said Ward, “let me be the first to buy you a drink.”

Nibbly Ned shifted on his perch on Ward’s shoulder. The vulture stared Ned right in the eye. Ned stared right back, and Nibbly blinked first. The bird tucked his head under a wing.

They bellied up to a bar that, though just right for ogres, was a little too high for humans. Owens and Sally were working behind the counter. The salamander roasted various cuts of meat, while Owens tended bar. He presented Ned with a smile and a drink.

“What is it?” asked Ned.

“It’s what you want,” replied the oracle. “Trust me, sir. And that steak you planned on ordering is on its way. How’s it coming, Sally?”

“Almost done.” She eyed the piece of meat she was breathing on. “You wanted it rare, right?”

“Medium rare,” answered Owens. “Right, sir?”

Ned actually wanted it well done, but he didn’t feel like contradicting the oracle. Anyway, who was to say that he didn’t want it medium rare? The oracle might know something he didn’t.

“So what do you hear for tomorrow?” asked Ned.

“Oh, nothing much, sir. Death, destruction, chaos, strife, and conflict. Business as usual.” Owens tilted his head and listened. “And a spot of rain.”

Goblins had to take turns standing on each other’s shoulders in stacks of three to place their orders. Ace balanced atop an unsteady pole of drunken goblins.

“To Never Dead Ned,” toasted Ace. “Nobody dies better.”

The soldiers smashed their mugs together, shattering most of them. Ace’s tower toppled, but he managed impressively to land on his back without spilling a drop. He jumped to his feet and downed the drink just before a wave of goblins jumped on his back and started shouting their orders.

Miriam tapped her glass gently against Ned’s. “But if you’re not going to be a soldier anymore, what are you going to do?”

Ned shrugged. “I’ll figure out something.”

She moved closer and took his hand.

He frowned at the burn scar on her wrist where the Mad Void had touched her. “Sorry about that.”

“Don’t worry about it.” She smoothed his hair. “You know, Ned, you don’t have to be a soldier to stay here. I hear there’s an opening for a gardener.”

“Is that so?”

“So how are you at gardening, Ned?”

He took a long draft of ale and slammed the mug on the counter.

“Absolutely terrible.”