Legal Seagull

Chapter Eight

A couple hours into our trip, the sun had finally begun to peek over the horizon. Nan had spent most of that morning dozing softly beside me. Paisley had settled in her lap and was making cute whimpering noises as she rested. Octo-Cat, on the other hand, remained in the back seat endlessly droning on about all his plans for his week with Grizabella.

I nodded along saying nothing as was expected, since when Octo-Cat spoke, he usually did it for his own benefit rather than anyone else's.

"Mommy," a small voice rose up from beside me. I quickly turned to see Paisley had lifted her head and was staring at me with wide, sparkling eyes. "I have to go potty.”

We’d just passed the perfect exit for a quick pit stop not even two minutes ago. We were also on the portion of our trip that took us through rural countryside, which meant the options would be few and far between.

"I'll keep an eye out," I said, since that was the best I could do. "I promise."

"Excuse me, I'm talking here," the tabby in the back seat growled and then continued with his long-winded soliloquy.

"I don't think I can hold it," the little dog squeaked, standing now and raising one paw after the other in excitement.

Nan awakened with a snort and glanced around the car with bleary eyes.

Paisley whimpered again, louder and more persistent.

“I promise we’ll stop as soon as the next exit pops up. It won’t be too much longer, okay?" I hoped this little white lie ended up being true.

"I can't hold it. I can't hold it," Paisley squealed.

I knew better than to push our luck, lest Nan land herself with a lap full of doggie pee. So I pulled the sports coupe to the side of the highway, grateful there weren't many people out at this early hour. Rush hour hadn't even begun yet.

"Be very careful," I explained before opening my door and allowing Paisley to trot after me. "And don't go where I can't see you!"

Nan had already fallen back asleep in her seat, which meant it was up to me to keep track of both animals.

Octo-Cat sauntered out and began to walk up the shoulder of the highway. I let him do his thing. Mostly because if I corrected him, he’d be extra sure to do the exact opposite of what I wanted.

Instead, I turned back to watch as Paisley squatted and sighed with pleasure upon relieving herself. “It feels so good.”

“Dogs are such disgusting creatures.” Octo-Cat marched toward me with his tail standing straight and tall. "Well," he said, cocking his head expectantly.

"Well, what?" I responded with a sigh.

"Where's my litter box?" He stopped and plopped his rear on the pavement, regarding me with a sneer. "You can't expect me to use the litter box without the litter box."

"I am not assembling your box for a pit stop. It doesn't come out until we reach Colorado.”

"So you expect me not to relieve myself in all that time? Impossible."

“You can relieve yourself. Just not in the box. I have nowhere to throw the litter once you're done, and it’s incredibly wasteful to get it out for a single use. And I'm not driving with an open litter box in the car, so forget that right now.”

"And what do you expect me to do?" he asked with a huff.

Paisley trotted back over and gave Octo-Cat a big lick on the face. "I can teach you how to potty outside, Octavius. I don’t mind at all.”

"No, thank you," he said with a shudder.

I crossed my arms and stared at him down the bridge of my nose. "Are you going to go or not?"

"Not," came his terse reply.

"Fine. Then let's get back in the car."

Once we’d all piled back in, Octo-Cat’s excited talk of his plans with Grizabella turned to bitter complaints about my unwillingness to accommodate his litter box needs.

"Will you just stop it already?" I asked after a solid ten minutes of this. "I'm sorry I upset you, but there's nothing we can do about it now."

"I would think you had a little more respect by now," he scoffed. “After all we’ve been through! After all I’ve done for you. You can’t just—”

"Oh!" I interrupted, having landed upon an idea I rather liked. "That audiobook you sent me all over Blueberry Bay looking for... Let's listen to it."

His voice softened. "Oh, yes. Shockingly, that is a good idea from you."

I rolled my eyes as I shoved the CD in and turned up the volume.

"Dr. Roman’s Guide to Romance," the narrator said in a deep, authoritative voice that felt completely wrong for this kind of book. "Chapter one. Learning to Love.”

"Love is a beautiful agreement between two souls, and it’s also one of the best things life has to offer," the narrator droned. "Romance is but a small part of the broader picture of love, although many find it to be the most rewarding."

"He's right about that," Octo-Cat said with a happy sigh. “I am a cat forever changed by the love of my darling Grizabella."

I rolled my eyes again. Thank goodness Charles and I weren’t like this.

"Romance is all about celebrating love, and to do that you first need to have love in your life.”

I groaned. "Do you really want to listen to this guy?"

"Ssshhhhhh," Octo-Cat hissed. "This is good stuff here.”

I tightened my grip on the steering wheel and gritted my teeth as the speaker—Dr. Roman himself, it turned out—continued to prattle on about how love was a many splendored thing and other such clichés. Seriously, how was this book a bestseller?

Before long, Nan perked up. "What are you listening to?" she asked.

"Only the single most intelligent human to ever live," Octo-Cat answered even though Nan couldn’t understand him.

I translated this as, “Octo-Cat’s new audiobook.” Injecting as much sarcasm into my tone as I could manage while still paying proper attention to the road, I added, “Dr. Roman’s Guide to Romance. Apparently he’s the single most intelligent human to ever live.”

Unaware of the compliments and insults we were bandying about, Dr. Roman continued, “Unlike love, romance is not ever a noun. It's always meant to be a verb. Romance doesn't just happen. It's something you must work to actively create in your life." He paused to let this great wisdom sink in.

"Can you believe this guy?" I asked quietly, hoping the cat wouldn't overhear. “He doesn’t even have a basic understanding of the parts of speech. How can you believe a word that comes out of his mouth?”

"He's right, actually," Nan said, nodding thoughtfully. "I never thought of it exactly like that, but it's true. Why just last week, Grant and I—"

"Ssshhhhh," Octo-Cat hissed again, and we all fell silent listening to Dr. Roman’s words fill the car.

Was I being unfair to this book, or was I simply cynical about romance? Charles had always been the more romantic of the two of us, and I'd always been more than happy to let him take the lead. Did I owe it to him to try harder?

Ugh.

Whether or not I liked Dr. Roman, the truth was we were all going to be stuck in this car together for quite some time. I could at least listen to what Dr. Roman had to say. Especially considering Nan and Octo-Cat now hung on his every word. Even little Paisley sat with both ears erect as she happily squinted her eyes in that special way Chihuahuas do when they are completely content with life.

I listened without complaint as Dr. Roman delivered his list of seven must-haves for creating romance, and I said nothing when he launched into his guided meditation for romantic mindfulness. But by the time he started in on the aphrodisiac effect of certain foods and beverages, I’d had enough.

“Let’s stop for coffee,” I said, then let out a giant, demonstrative yawn.

“Shhhhhh,” all three of the others hissed at me.

Even though they were talking to me, it was Dr. Roman’s voice that quieted as a ringing sound poured out of the car’s speakers.

Nan pressed a button on the radio and Charles’s voice filled the car. "Hey, how's the drive going?" he asked.

"I hope you don't mind, dear," Nan said, "but I hooked your phone up to the Bluetooth because I knew your fellow would be calling before too long. Looks like I was right.”

I smiled, so incredibly grateful for the distraction I could have cried. "Totally fine," I told both Nan and Charles since it applied to both of the things they’d said. "We’re making good time. How are things there?"

Charles sucked in a sharp breath.

And that was all I needed to know good news wouldn't be coming.