Liberation Day

Chapter 8

I ran out into the street. I didn’t need to be Oprah Winfrey or Dr. Phil to work out where she had gone — I mean, where do you go when the man you’ve poured your heart out to turns around and kicks you?

I found the Plymouth and walked down into Little Harbor. She was sitting on the beach, staring out at the houses on the other side of the bay. My footsteps crunched on ice as I approached.

“Carrie, I’m so sorry…”

She turned very slowly to face me. “How could you?” Her voice was weary, defeated, empty even of the bitterness I expected and, I guessed, deserved. “How do you think this makes me feel? I trusted you.”

“I’m not turning into your dad. It was just that once. One job. It’s over now.”

“Of all people…He caused Aaron’s death, remember? The same man who was going to blow up an American cruise ship just so the White House would have the excuse to march back into Panama. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

I hated it when she looked at me like that. It was as though she could see right through me, and it wasn’t a view I’d ever much enjoyed.

“I’m so sad, Nick. I’m feeling bereaved all over again. I feel so goddamn stupid; I thought we had something good happening here.”

I sat down beside her. “Look, I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you, but what could I have said to make it sound all right?”

“The truth, that’s all I needed and always need from you. The truth I can handle, the truth I can work with, but this…” She turned away, tears running down her face.

I thought about Zeralda’s head, and gave mine a shake. “Carrie, you remember how it was in Panama. You know how these jobs work. There are some truths you really don’t want to know…”

“This has been the story of my life, Nick. I just can’t risk it all happening again. I know it’s selfish of me, but I don’t think I can take it anymore. That man is responsible for so much pain in my life. He sacrificed me and my mom by dedicating himself to his double-dealing world. But even so, I allowed myself to be sucked in, and because of it my husband was killed. I kid myself I blame George for Aaron’s death, but do you know what? Really, I blame myself. I let my own father exploit me, the way he exploits everyone.

“In Panama, he knew I was desperate to get a passport for Luz so we could get back to the States. But I’ve never gotten anything from him for free. Even as a little girl, I always had to earn it first.”

I watched her as her eyes concentrated on the water but her mind was elsewhere. “Aaron was right all along. He told me that once it started and George knew we were desperate for the passport, it would never stop because George wouldn’t let it. And you know what? He was right, because here we are again. How can I let myself be with you until I know you’ve no longer got even a toe in that world?

“I’ve made the mistake of depending on you. Depending on you being there when I wake up in the morning. And, worse still, Luz has started to get used to you being around, too. I’m not going to run the risk of having to tell her that another person she loved, that she relied upon, is lying in some ditch with a bullet in the back of his head….”

I reached out to touch her but she stiffened and moved away.

“You could have applied for citizenship. You could have gone back to school, had a home, you could have had me. Doesn’t any of that mean anything?”

I didn’t answer her immediately. “I can’t think of anything I’d like more. It’s the full fairy tale, for me.” I didn’t know how she did it, but I always found myself saying things to her that I thought I’d kept well buried. “Perhaps the real truth is that I can’t quite believe there’s a place for me in your perfect world. Remember what I said to you in the jungle? My world may look like a pile of shit—”

“—but at least you sometimes get to sit on top of it…”

I looked at her, hoping for even a hint of a smile, but I hadn’t come close.

“That’s not the issue here.” Her voice was still sad and tired. “You lied to me, Nick, that’s the long and the short of it. Nothing’s changed. You betrayed what I thought we had. Oh, God, when I think what I said to you today, I feel so ridiculous.”

My heart was pounding as I stood behind her, trying to think what I could say. “We just need time, Carrie. We just need time…”

She shook her head. The tears were running off her face now and onto her down jacket, staining the nylon a darker green. “You’d better go. Both of us have got to do some thinking. I don’t think I can just now. When you’re ready to come back to me on my terms, Nick, give me a call.

“Until then, if it has to be you who does my father’s dirty work for him, Nick, it has to be you. I’ll never forget what you did for us in Panama. I’ll always admire the man you are, and I’ll always love the man you might have allowed yourself to be. But don’t expect Luz and me to come and put flowers on your grave….”