Ovid

20

I knew from the start that it was useless trying to stop Perilla from coming with me to meet Davus, but I had to do my best anyway.

'Look, do you know what the Velabrum's like?' I couldn't even sit down I was so uptight. I paced back and forwards across the marble floored atrium while she sat by the pool filing her nails with a slip of pumice.

'Of course, Marcus,' she said calmly. 'Not very pleasant, I do realise that, but it can't be as bad as the Subura surely.'

Jupiter! This from the woman who hadn't even been to the Gardens of bloody Sallust!

'Don't you bet on it,’ I said. ‘The Velabrum's got its moments. I wouldn't fancy a female cat's chances of getting in and out of there intact, let alone a hot little stunner like you.'

Yeah, sure, I was exaggerating. The Velabrum's Rome's docklands area, the centre of the wholesale trade occupying the low ground between the Palatine and the Tiber. Although it's nothing compared to the Subura, the part I'd have to go through to get where I was going was pretty rough, and you're just as likely to find a pearl in a privy as a well-born lady in that part of town. So I didn't want Perilla tagging along. I'd got enough things to worry about without playing the macho protector.

Perilla was smiling.

'I appreciate your concern, Corvinus,' she said, 'but I'm sure you can provide any security that's necessary.'

Shit! Didn't the woman ever listen? I could feel the steam leaking out of my ears. 'I'd need a bloody company of Praetorians to do that!’ I said. ‘And even then we'd have fifty per cent casualties!'

'Nonsense. You go walking in the Subura quite happily, or so you tell me. Why should a trip to the Velabrum be any more dangerous?'

I counted to ten. Then to twenty. 'You haven't listened to a word I've been saying, have you, lady? Sure I go walking in the Subura. And I can walk pretty safely anywhere I like in the Velabrum, too. But I don't happen to be built like a souped-up Praxiteles Venus with mammaries that'd knock an eighty-year-old Chief Priest's eyes out at forty yards.'

The slip of pumice didn't even pause. 'Even Chief Priests can't see through the sides of a closed litter. And as you are very well aware my breasts are no bigger than average. Smaller if anything.'

'Okay, strike the Venus. But you can forget the closed litter idea as well. Take one of these things through the Velabrum and you might as well carry a big sign with “Come and Get your Rich Smartass Here” painted on the side. You'd draw every wide-boy for miles.'

She frowned.

'All right,' she said. 'No litter. But I can still go disguised.'

I stopped pacing. I didn't believe this. It was straight out of a third rate Alexandrian bodice-ripper. 'What as, for God's sake? A Numidian all-in wrestler? A performing elephant?'

'Don't be silly. Just wearing a thick cloak and hood should be quite sufficient.'

Jupiter who guides and guards the fortunes of the Roman state, I prayed, strike me dead or give me patience!

'Look,' I said. 'Just listen to me, okay? These guys may not be up to reading Plato in the original but they're not stupid. You go down to the River wrapped up like something out of a Greek melodrama and you won't get five yards before someone starts wondering what's beneath the wrappings. And he'll probably have a dozen pals with him to help open the parcel. You understand?'

She laid the pumice stone aside and stood up.

'Marcus, this is pointless,’ she said. ‘I'm coming with you and that's the end of it. Asking Harpale was my idea, not yours. And besides I gave her my word I'd personally see that no harm came to her friend.'

I felt the way Pyrrhus must've done when he did a head count of his troops after the battle of Beneventum and decided if this was victory he'd be better off at home. I made one last try.

'Okay. So get her to tell Davus we've changed the venue. Make it somewhere respectable. Or get him to come here, or round to my place.'

She sighed. 'Davus is a runaway slave, Marcus. He can't go anywhere near the Palatine or any other high-class district on his own. He'd stick out like a sore thumb. You know that.'

'So let me meet him by myself. I gave Harpale my word too, remember.'

'Now we're arguing in circles.' She came over and kissed me. 'Harpale was my find, Davus is her friend, and as such he's my responsibility. Besides, you're doing this for me and I want to be involved, not sit at home like a prim little matron. So I'm coming with you and that's that. All right?'

'No one could accuse you of being a prim little matron. Believe me.'

'Don't change the subject.'

I knew when I was beaten.

'Fair enough,' I said. 'If you want to come you can, only no closed litters and no mysterious strangers, right? So how are you going to play it?'

If I'd hoped that putting the onus on her might make her change her mind I was onto a loser from the start. She had it all worked out already.

'Easy,' she said. 'I'll go dressed as a boy.'

I stared at her. 'Perilla, you're crazy!'

'Why not? I think it's a marvellous idea.'

'Have you looked at yourself recently? Since puberty, I mean?'

'I don't see why it shouldn't be possible.' She lifted up her beautiful hair. 'If I tie this in a bun and wear a cap people will never notice.'

'Come off it! You'd stick out a mile.' We were really into Alexandrian bodice-ripper territory now. 'And I mean that quite literally.'

'There are such things as bras, Corvinus. An over-tight one will be rather uncomfortable, but that won't matter for a couple of hours. And I can wear a looseish tunic and a cloak.'

'It'll never work.'

'Yes it will.'

'No it won't. If the local knife gangs weren't bad enough you'll have every pederast in the city trailing us.'

'Nonsense.'

'Believe it, lady!'

She drew herself up for what I suspected might be a major no-holds-barred frontal assault. I backed off hastily.

'Okay. Okay.' I held up my hands. 'I'll make a bargain with you. Go and get dressed up. If you pass with me you can come. If not I go on my own. Deal?'

She hesitated. Perilla, unlike me, was no gambler, but she knew when she was being called. And she didn't give her promise lightly.

'Look,' I said. 'I'm not doing this for fun, right? I want to get in there, find Davus and then get out again. Full stop, end of sentence, no fancy clauses. If you tag along life gets complicated. So put up or shut up, okay?'

Her mouth set in a firm line. 'All right,' she said slowly. 'You have a deal. I'll see what Lalage and I can fix up between us.' Lalage was her maid.

'We have to be there at noon, remember.'

'That's fine. Give me an hour.'

I didn't recognise her when she came back down. She was wearing a thick homespun cloak, heavily darned, and under it a beltless green slave's tunic that was a good two sizes too large for her. Her beautiful hair was hidden completely under a freedman's cap and her face was darkened with walnut juice.

'Well?' she said. 'How do I look?'

I stared.

'Not bad.' It was an understatement, but I wasn't going to give up that easily. 'Not bad at all. Let's see you walk.'

She walked across the room. The result was sexy as hell. I groaned.

'Jupiter, Perilla! What's that supposed to be? Get your head down. Slouch. And try not to move your hips.'

'I am trying.'

'Try harder, then. Walk through the streets like that and you'll be arrested on sight. Or propositioned. Probably both at once, knowing some of those buggers in the Watch.'

'All right. How's this?'

She tried again. It was better this time, but I knew at least a dozen guys in Rome who'd pay a fortune for an introduction. They'd be in for a disappointment later, mind, but that was neither here nor there.

'Look, watch me,' I said. I walked towards the door and back. 'Bigger steps. Loosen up a bit, and keep your eyes on the ground.'

She had hidden talents, that girl. And I don't mean the obvious ones. After four or five turns around the room I couldn't've sworn with absolute certainty that she wasn't what she pretended to be. So long as she could keep it up we were home and dry. Shit.

'Do I win the bet?' she said.

'Yeah, you win. Come over here first, though.'

She did. I kissed her. She co-operated long enough for things to reach the interesting stage before turning her face aside.

'Marcus! Stop it! You're smudging my makeup!'

Reluctantly I let her go.

When you check, you check. It was Perilla all right.

We didn't walk all the way. Perilla needed the practice, but I didn't want to be too hard on her so we used one of her litters as far as Tuscan Road. Naturally I took the four Sunshine Boys with us; I'd've liked to have taken more muscle, but it would've made us too conspicuous and I reckoned the Boys could take on anything short of a minor riot. All the same I had a quiet word with them before we left to make sure they knew where their priorities lay, and what exactly would happen if they got them wrong. I'd never actually seen a matching set of six-foot Gallic eunuchs on the market but there was a first time for everything.

I also made the situation very clear to Perilla.

'Listen,' I said. 'There're certain ground rules which are non-negotiable. Agree to them now or stay at home. Right?'

I must've looked unusually impressive because she just nodded.

'Okay. First of all, I can look after myself. If there's any trouble you run.'

'Yes, Corvinus.'

'Second. You do what you're told, exactly what you're told, straight away, with no arguments and no fancy heroics. Got it?'

'Yes, Corvinus.'

I glanced at her suspiciously.

'Are you laughing at me?' I said.

'No, Corvinus.' Her lips twitched, but she kept her eyes modestly cast down.

'Yes you are.' This was no time for messing around. 'Look, I'm serious. That doesn't happen very often but this is one of them. There's no way I'm taking you down to the docks unless we get this clear before we start. I know what I'm doing here, you don't. You may be a very gutsy lady but if we get into trouble the high-handed patrician act isn't going to get us anywhere. This isn't a game and if you think it is you'll land both of us in deep shit. Okay?'

Silence. Finally, she nodded. 'All right. I'm sorry, Marcus. You're quite right. What else?'

'Third and last, no talking. Not when we're on foot in a built-up area, anyway. We've got enough problems with what you look like without worrying about what you sound like as well, and the less interest we draw the better. Agree to all three conditions now or you can stay at home bottling pickles.'

'I love you. You know that?'

There's no answer to that one. Not in words, anyway. Once she'd wiped the walnut juice off my face with the edge of her cloak we set off for our appointment with Davus.