Pineapple grenade

M AHONEY amp; A SSOCIATES, P RIVATE I NVESTIGATIONS

Mahoney sat inside. The only associate was the fifth of rye residing in his bottom desk drawer.

The bottle currently rested atop the desk blotter, next to a rocks glass with two fingers of amber reinforcement. Next to a pair of crossed feet propped up by the black rotary phone. The sole of his right shoe was worn through. Adlai Stevenson.

The phone rang. Mahoney stared at it cynically. “Some boozy broad in a tight sweater with a weakness for the ponies?”

He answered on the sixth ring.

“Mahoney and Associates. Discreet investigations. Mumble to me… No, I don’t need a free air-vent inspection for mold that could make me constantly tired.” He slammed the phone down. “Shyster.”

Since his fishing sabbatical in the Keys-and early retirement from Florida law enforcement-former agent Mahoney had returned to the mainland and set up shop with his dream job.

Unfortunately, it remained a dream. Two months, not a single case.

But if Mahoney wasn’t making a living, at least he was living the life. An antique hat rack stood in the corner, topped with a lone, rumpled fedora. The desk chair creaked as he leaned back and propped his feet again, a wooden matchstick wiggling between his teeth. His necktie had a pattern of Route 66 signs. He opened a dime paperback to a dog-eared page.

Heavy footsteps approached from the stairwell at the end of the hall. Mahoney’s eyes rose from the book. The toothpick stopped wiggling.

Footsteps grew louder. Mahoney’s right hand silently slid open the top desk drawer, revealing a snub-nose. 38 Police Special.

The brass doorknob jiggled.

The snub-nose cocked.

The door opened. Serge spread his arms. “Brother!”

A corner of Mahoney’s mouth curled up in a rare smile. He slipped the gun back in the drawer and came out from behind the desk for a backslapping hug.

Coleman pointed at the bottle. “Can I have a drink?”

Mahoney produced another dirty glass. “Knock yourself out.”

“He will,” said Serge, grabbing a wooden chair from the wall and scooting it forward. “How’s business?”

Mahoney went back and took his own seat. “Like selling turds to Roto-Rooter.”

“Can’t be that bad.”

“Stinkaroo.”

Serge looked back at the door and gold letters in reverse. “What about your associates?”

“That’s show business.”

“Then can I be an associate?”

“No cases.” Mahoney shuffled a deck of playing cards. “And behind on rent. I can only pay you with the air in this office.”

“You don’t have to pay me. It’ll be fun, get to hang out, reminisce old days.” Serge picked up the hand Mahoney dealt. “Bet I bring you luck.” He laid out a straight flush.

Mahoney threw down his own hand and dealt again.

Serge picked up the cards. “I know how you can score some money in the meantime to make the rent. And no work involved.”

“Sounds shaky.”

Serge pointed at the phone. “May I?” He picked up the receiver and dialed…

… South of Miami, a phone rang in an old building near the Metrozoo. “Allied Imports,” said Station Chief Oxnart.

Serge hung up.

“No answer?” asked Mahoney.

“No, someone answered.”

“Who was it?”

“I don’t know,” said Serge. “I just found a generic number for the CIA in the phone book.”

“They’re in the book?”

“Have to be in case someone wants to defect.” Serge discarded the jack of spades. “They always answer like it’s a wrong number in case it’s a wrong number.”

“Why’d you hang up.”

“Now they’ll trace your line.” He pulled a folded sheet of paper from his pocket and picked up the phone again.

Mahoney watched as Serge made another dozen hang-up calls.

“Who are you phoning?”

“Consulates, for when they track your call logs.” Serge pulled his digital camera from another pocket and set it on a ten-second, self-timed shot. Beep-beep-beep…

He dialed again…

“Allied Imports…”

Serge held the camera to the receiver. Beep-beep-beep-beep. And hung up. “Their sound technicians will be working on that for weeks.”

“How’s that score us moola?” asked Mahoney.

Serge waved around the inside of the office. “You’ve already hung a shingle with a physical business address. The CIA has front companies all over Miami doing clandestine work that they can’t be connected to. But they can’t stay open too long or they’ll risk discovery, so they’re always needing more. Eventually you’ll be contacted.”

“To be a front company?”

“Or a dummy front company.”

“How’s that different?” asked Mahoney.

“Dummy fronts don’t do any clandestine work. They divert attention from the real fronts.” Serge drew another card and laid out a full house. “So in a way, you’re already a dummy front. Remember to mention that when you ask for money.”

Another set of footsteps down the hall. Mahoney opened his drawer again.

The steps grew closer. Mahoney shut the drawer, recognizing the trademark sound of stiletto heels.

A knock on the door.

Serge opened it.

A boozy broad in a tight sweater with a weakness for the ponies. Dark sunglasses. She plopped down in Serge’s empty chair and began crying.

Mahoney pushed a glass of rye forward.

“Thanks.” She drained it.

“See?” said Serge. “Told you I’d bring you luck. Your inaugural case.”

“First things first,” Mahoney told the woman. “Two hundred smackers a day plus expenses.”

She nodded. “I’m good for it.”

Mahoney flipped open a notepad. “Spill.”

“It’s my ex.”

“What about the mug?”

She removed her sunglasses.

“Nice shiner,” said Mahoney. “This a habit?”

“I keep changing apartments, but he always finds me.” Sobs again.

“A man who manhandles women,” said Serge. “That’s my turf.”

“But it’s my first case,” said Mahoney.

“Still is,” said Serge. “I’ll just do the preliminary legwork.”

Mahoney turned to the woman. “You’ll need to check into a hotel for a couple nights. We’ll call.”

Serge offered her his hand. “Let me walk you back to your car. I’ll need to ask a few questions about this jerk.”

“You’re so kind.”

They left.

Mahoney leaned back with his book. Coleman grabbed the bottle.

A clock ticked.

Mahoney looked up. “What’s taking him so long?”

They walked to the window. The detective parted blinds with his fingers. “Unbelievable.”

Down in the gravel parking lot, in the backseat of a ’57 convertible Ford Skyliner, two long legs in stilettos pointed skyward. Between, Serge’s bare, bouncing derriere.

Mahoney drew back his hands, letting the blinds snap shut. Coleman opened them again.

Fifteen minutes later, Serge walked back in, whistling “Papa Was a Rolling Stone.” He stopped at their stares. “What?”

“How’d you bang her?” asked Coleman.

“ Why’d you bang her?” asked Mahoney. “Now she’ll scram.”

“No, she’ll come back.” Serge handed Mahoney a two-hundred-dollar retainer. “Besides, she asked me to. ‘The customer is always right.’ Right?”

“I’ll give you a mulligan this time,” said Mahoney. “But no more T-shots.”

“Fair enough.” Serge stood. “Guess I need to go have a friendly little chat with her ex.”

Shouting from across the hall. One of the only other occupied offices.

“Oh! Jesus! Why’d the hell you do that?”

Serge turned around and looked out the window into a hall. A door slammed. A man ran by cupping hands to his nose. “I’ll sue you for every last penny.”

Serge faced Mahoney again. “Whose office is that?”

“The Guy Who Punches People.”

“You call him that because he has a temper?”

“No,” said Mahoney. “It’s what he does. Here’s his business card.”

One Mile Away

Seventh floor of a towering office building on Flagler Street.

The entire consulate staff sat anxiously around a massive oak conference table.

The protocol chief opened the door. “The president of Costa Gorda.”

Everyone jumped sharply to their feet and stared straight ahead.

Fernando Guzman entered and grabbed the empty chair at the head of the table. “Please be seated.”

They sat back down with synchronized precision. Before the meeting, rampant watercooler buzz about the foiled attack on Guzman near the airport. Heads sure to roll. They dreaded the moment the president would bring it up.

He didn’t.

Instead, diplomatic minutiae and scheduling. Courtesy calls, cocktail parties, speech writing, an interview with the Spanish-language version of the Miami Herald.

A half hour later, it was over. The president closed a leather organizer and passed it back over his shoulder to his traveling secretary. Then he stood quickly-“Thank you for your attention”-and departed with the same abruptness.

The entire room exhaled with relief and began filing out with thoughts of liquid lunch.

President Guzman stood in the lobby with his mobile staff, running down afternoon appointments. He looked up. “Oh, Felipe? Could I have a word? In private.”

Deer in headlights. “Me?”

Felipe Chavez. Consulate director and head attache. Rumored to be heir apparent for the Washington ambassadorship. Or first in line for the chopping block over… well, anything that needed a scapegoat. Part of the job description.

Perspiration trickled into Felipe’s starched collar as the pair arrived back in the conference room. Guzman closed the door. Then placed a hand on Felipe’s shoulder.

Here it comes, thought the diplomat. Fired. Or worse, reassignment to Canada… The Canadians! Christ! The collar became soaked.

“You okay?” asked Guzman. “You’re sweating like a pig.”

“Just ate something hot.”

“Good, because we’ve got a lot of work to do.” Guzman’s arm went all the way across Felipe’s shoulders as he began walking the attache in circles around the conference table. “I need someone like you close to me.”

“You do?”

“Ever thought about a cabinet post? And not one of the little ones that runs the bus system.”

Air sucked out of Felipe. The cabinet? That was bigger than an ambassadorship.

“Don’t answer now,” said Guzman. “Because that’s in the future. I’ve got the rebels and traffickers to worry about, not to mention the generals. Right now I need someone I can trust who sees five moves ahead.”

Chavez thinking: He can’t possibly be talking about me.

“I’m talking about you.” Guzman squeezed his shoulder. “You’re why I’m standing here alive today. Razor-sharp instincts beefing up security.”

“Security?”

“That crack field operative you sent as backup in case my idiot bodyguards weren’t up to task, which they weren’t. But you already knew that. You’re going places.” He pointed at the ceiling. “The top. But don’t be looking at my office until I’m ready to retire.”

“I wouldn’t!”

“That was a joke,” said Guzman. “So where’d you find this new agent.”

Felipe blinked hard a couple times. “You mean Escobar?”

“Who’s Escobar?”

Scooter Escobar, the young guy from the mail room, who was the spy in the consulate.

“I’m talking about Serge,” said the president. “On loan to us from the CIA. Tell me-and this is very important-did they approach you first, or the other way around? Because if they came to us, especially in light of last night, it means they know more about my enemies than I do… So tell me, who approached you?”

“I…”

“Well?”

“I–I-I…”

“You can’t answer a simple question like that?” He turned and pointed aggressively in Felipe’s face. “This is exactly the sort of thing I’m talking about!”

Felipe lost color.

Guzman slapped him sharply on the back. “Always putting your president first. You know I can’t be linked to the CIA or my opposition would rake me over the coals for being a Yankee stooge. You’re willing to take the fall for me, and I’ll never forget it. So before I forget, here’s what I need concerning Serge…”