Seven ways to die

15

Ward Hamilton sat at his desk, elbows angled, chin resting on intertwined fingers, his brown eyes converged intently on his computer screen. Smoke curled from a gold-tipped Sherman cigarette burning forgotten in an ashtray nearby as he scanned the innocuous internet report which had produced nothing he didn’t know already.

On the wall behind the screen, tacked on a green felt bulletin board half the size of a pool table top, was an entropic collection of newspaper clippings, copies of web downloads, partially-written manuscript drafts, and notes to himself scribbled on notebook pages of every size and shape, fluttering idly in the gentle breeze from an antique ceiling fan. It served as his “hold file.”

Otherwise, the office was a paradigm of a man of fastidious and eccentric nature with an insistence upon order and efficiency: his reference books lined up alphabetically on hand-crafted shelves; his Eames chair and ottoman positioned precisely to afford a perfect view of lower Manhattan through the floor-to-ceiling windows; unread magazines stacked neatly on a matching table in the order in which he would read them; signed first editions of great American novels set aside in a special niche in the corner and arranged chronologically based on the date they were published; a thirty-six-inch widescreen television set accompanied by an interlocked stereo and digital recording system, built into the wall and confined behind smoked glass doors, unobtrusive and silent unless he felt inclined to tape a program or play some music while he was reading.

His two-foot wide desk was a rosewood semicircle designed so everything his daily routine required was close at hand. Pens were in one container, pencils in another; unedited drafts in one tray, finished manuscripts in another; answered mail in one tray, unanswered in another. The telephone, equipped with a warning light, answered every call robotically and was muted, recording every message, name, number, caller ID and all the conversations he made personally. The laser printer was on a shelf under the desk, an arm’s length from his chair, its only sound the hush the paper made when it fell into the tray.

Only his own voice was permitted to intrude. Otherwise the room was as quiet as a mausoleum.

Only two people were permitted to enter the sanctuary. One was the maid, who dusted and sanitized it before he got up in the morning.

The other was Victoria Mansfield, his lover for the past decade, who shared the penthouse apartment with him but could enter his sanctum only when the small red light next to the door was switched off. Together, their brio was the stuff of dreams for gossip columnists and society writers. He was the flamboyant and curmudgeonly writer who had parlayed murder into a small fortune. She was the elegant, unpredictable, nonpareil heiress, about whom a columnist once wrote, “has so much dough, re, mi, she would have made Croesus look like a panhandler.”

His focus was interrupted by a green light in the corner of his screen alerting him that someone was at the entrance to the apartment. He pressed a button and a small picture appeared in the upper corner of his main screen. A tiny video camera revealed Victoria at the front door, arms juggling shopping bags, a larger suit bag slung over her shoulder and the front door key clenched between her teeth as she swept the card key through the slot and, that done, tossed the card in one of the bags, opened the door with the other key, and entered the apartment. He turned the red light off and waited for her to come in to his office, his back to the door.

He continued tampering at his computer and waited for five minutes before he heard her come in.

“Hi, cutie pie,” she said. “How was breakfast?”

“Sallinger was as stiff as usual but he’s calling Stinelli to get the records I need. I’ll have them by Monday. Buy out the store, did you?”

“Picked up a few things. Find out anything new about the cop?”

“Same old crap. Half-breed Indian, father was a Nez Perce, war hero, died when the kid was young, mother was a Catholic school teacher on the reservation, moved to her hometown, Columbia, Missouri, when he was thirteen, opened a little restaurant near the campus of the University and did some teaching. He studied English and psychology at Missouri-there’s an anomalous mix-but, then again, maybe not. Did a year in the Army assigned to military intelligence. I’m still digging into that.”

“Put away your shovel.”

He whirled his chair around and looked her over.

She was wearing a short, pleated sport skirt. Her amber hair was artificially disarrayed over a piquant face. Perfect nose, perfect lips, flawless complexion, smoky, inviting eyes. No shoes. Or bra, her nipples teasing her white silk blouse. She unbuttoned it as she walked over to him, straddled him, pressed his knees together and leaned forward, straight-arming the back of his chair, a hand on either side of his head. The blouse fell open, revealing lovely, tight breasts, nipples hard as pebbles.

“Sorry you couldn’t make lunch,” she said.

When he didn’t respond she nibbled his left ear. “I’m horny as hell,” she murmured.

“You’d be horny during a root canal.”

“Look who’s talking.”

“Willy’s going to pick me up in thirty minutes. We don’t have time for a quickie.”

“You know I hate quickies. Just a little tease to hold me until you get back tomorrow. Set me up. Make believe they’re…ice cream cones.”

He leaned forward and obliged. She pressed one hand against the back of his head, closed her eyes and swayed slowly from side to side, sighing.

“Ummm.”

A little later…

“Thanks,” she whispered with a kiss, standing up with her knees still pressing his.

“Any old time.”

“I have a surprise for you.”

“Really?”

“Actually it’s kind of for me.”

“You bought yourself a surprise?”

“I went to Barney’s and bought you something,” she said mischievously. “But, it really is for me.”

She took his hand and he stood up. She led him down the hall to the bedroom. She slid open the door to his closet, took out a white suit bag, laid it on the bed, zipped it open, and turned to face him.

“I want you to do me a favor tonight.”

“I won’t be here tonight.”

“I know that, silly. I’m talking about at the banquet. I want you to be-distingue for a change.”

“What! You think I’m going to butter up that sanctimonious coven of jealous…”

“Listen to me…”

“It’s almost insulting, giving me the Clue Award now when I haven’t written a book in four years.”

“It’s for your body of work, darling.”

“They hardly had a choice. Thanks to that bitch, they’d given it to everyone else. It’s a snide put down.”

“All the better to do what I’m asking.”

“And what’s that?”

“Be nice. Accept the loving cup. Enjoy your little poker game after the dinner. Maybe even lose a few shekels.”

“A two-bit ante game,” he snapped. “I can clean that bunch out blind-folded in an hour.”

“Listen you, I went to La Perla and bought the most expensive, most erotic, most seductive peignoir in the house and I’ll be wearing it when you get home tomorrow. But you have to be a good boy tonight.”

“ Blackmail? ”

“Let’s call it e-mail-as in erotomail.”

She turned, took a classic black single-breasted tux from the bag and held it up in front of him.

“Perfect,” she said.

“You have to be kidding. I’m wearing…”

“You’re wearing this,” she said quietly but firmly. “You’ll euthanize them with charm. There’ll be some press there and they won’t pass up the chance for a picture of Peck’s Bad Boy playing by the rules for a change. I’ve already talked to Sophie about it. You’ll be all over page six tomorrow. ”

He looked down at her and his rancor evaporated.

“Don’t miss a trick, do you?”

“I’ve been playing games with columnists since I was sixteen, honey. They’ll be expecting the customary sardonic Hamilton, instead you’ll show a bit of humility. They’re expecting the churlish Hamilton, be whimsical. They’re expecting you to be haughty, be grateful for the honor. Be brief and sit down. Knock ‘em all on their pompous asses.”

She stood on her toes and swept her tongue across his lower lip.

“After that, what the hell,” she said with a shrug, “at the poker game, if it suits you, you can be the sweet, supercilious son of a bitch I’ve grown to adore.”