Sharing You

8

Kamryn

June 5, 2015

CALLING OUT A good-bye to my employees, Grace and Andy, I rested my elbows on the counter near the pastry case and groaned into my hands. My days seemed to drag lately, and it had nothing to do with work. Business was steady, I still loved baking every day, and Kinlee made sure my days were never dull. But I missed Brody. I physically ached from having gone so long without him, sleep was practically nonexistent now, and I’m pretty sure people were beginning to get suspicious with my constant “Mondays suck” theme in the bakery.

If the day didn’t start off well, making it feel like a Monday, we blasted music all day and put out a sign letting customers know that they could throw the old cupcakes against one of our walls to get frustrations out. And I’d been doing it almost every other day.

It had only been a little over two weeks since I’d seen him . . . but an hour without him was torture. Weeks without his touch? It felt like I was constantly suffocating, fighting for air.

I wasn’t this girl who relied on men to survive, never had been. I’d been with Charles out of obligation, but was happy and free when I was away from him. And I’d been more than content being alone when I’d moved to Oregon. Now my world revolved around one man. I had turned into one of those love-struck teenagers whose dramatic fits would sound something like “I can’t live without him.” I knew how ridiculous I sounded, but my need for him was unlike anything I’d ever known.

I’d never believed in soul mates, because no one I’d grown up around had been happy with their spouse. But something in me called to Brody. I never felt as whole as I did when I was with him, and the time we spent apart felt as if my soul had been torn in two. I couldn’t tell you if this empty, hollow feeling was how I’d always been, and it was just more pronounced now that I’d had glimpses of what being whole was like, or if it was all in my head. But I knew if there was such a thing as soul mates, Brody Saco was mine.

And he was still married to another woman.

Straightening up and turning to go into the kitchen to finish up the dishes, I rubbed at the pain in my chest and tried to force the bitter thoughts about Olivia from my mind. I didn’t have the right to hate her. And still, I did. I hated her for being with the man I loved. I hated that she took him from me during the few stolen moments we were able to have. And I hated that I was the one who should be hated by her. I was taking her husband; he was being unfaithful to her because of me. I was ruining a marriage.

As I had done so many times since Brody and I had decided to be together, I felt sick over what we were doing. But even through the guilt, I couldn’t stop my mind from going back to thoughts of Olivia. I wondered what it was about her that had kept Brody this long. I wondered why Brody still wasn’t leaving her.

With a frustrated cry, I threw the dishes I’d been carrying into the sink and gripped the edge with both hands as I forced myself to stay standing.

“I’m not this girl. I’m not this girl,” I chanted to the empty kitchen. But I am.

And it was slowly driving me insane. When we were apart, I second-guessed our decision to start the relationship before he could get a divorce from Olivia. I wondered why I felt bad at all if he was so miserable in his marriage. I hated his wife. I hated myself. A jealousy unlike anything I’ve ever felt made itself known more than once a day. Guilt spread through my body and threatened to cripple me. And my need to be with him again grew stronger with each passing hour.

All of this . . . all of these conflicted emotions . . . were like a broken record in me. I would go through all of them only to start at the beginning again.

So many nights, as I lay in bed unable to sleep, I would mentally scream that I couldn’t do this anymore. That I couldn’t handle the guilt anymore. But then I would talk to him, and even through the heartache of knowing he was going home to his wife instead of me, I knew I would go through this emotional torture again and again for Brody.

I just hated that I didn’t know when I would see or talk to him. We were supposed to be able to talk—if not see each other—every night he worked. He worked four days on, then had four days off, and in the beginning I’d lived for those four days on. But lately we’d been reduced to working around Olivia and her schedule since Brody had been worried that Olivia was getting suspicious of something. Which meant I hadn’t seen him in two and a half weeks and had talked to him only three times.

Why was he worried about Olivia getting suspicious when he was supposedly leaving her? I didn’t know. Because you’re stupid for thinking he’ll leave his wife for you. I gritted my teeth and pushed that thought aside. He will leave her. He will.

My phone rang, jolting me from my conflicted inner ramblings. Fumbling to get my phone out of my pocket, my heart skipped a beat before taking off when I saw Brody’s name on the screen. He hadn’t called in almost a week, and I hadn’t been expecting anything for some time to come since today was day one of his four off.

Sliding my finger across the screen to answer, I put the phone to my ear and held my breath after I asked, “Hello?” My biggest fear was Olivia getting ahold of his phone and calling me, and me answering in a way that would easily give away that I was in a relationship with her husband.

“Fuck, Kamryn, you have no idea what just hearing your voice does to me.”

My knees weakened, and I released a shaky breath as I used the sink to support my weight again. “Bro—” My voice gave out, and I tried to swallow past the lump in my throat.

“Ah, baby. I’m sorry. I’m so goddamn sorry I haven’t called.”

I nodded even though he couldn’t see me. I still wasn’t able to speak yet.

“This has been killing me, I need you to know that.” No one could mistake the sincerity or pain in his voice. “Work has been crazy, and the minute I get off Liv has been calling me and won’t let me get off the phone until I get home. She hasn’t left the house at all, I didn’t know what to do, I’m sorry.”

“I know you are,” I choked out.

“I need to see you.”

“But y-you’re off. How?”

“Liv just left for her parents’,” he said, and his next statement sounded unsure. “I don’t think she’ll be back tonight, but I’m willing to risk it even if she does come back. I need you.”

“Okay, okay, I’m on my way home right now.” Screw the dishes. They could wait.

“No! Not after what happened with Kinlee showing up, it’s too risky now.”

I stopped halfway to my purse, and my shoulders sagged. “Then where, Brody? Obviously I can’t come to your place.”

“I’ve been looking up hotels outside the city. There’s one about forty-five minutes from here. Can you meet me there? I’m already on my way.”

I would drive for days if it meant seeing him. “I’ll be there, just tell me where to go.”

I shut everything off in the bakery and locked up as he told me the name of the hotel, and the exit to take to get off the freeway.

“I’ll text you the room number when I get in there, okay?”

“Okay. I’m in my car now. I’ll see you soon.”

“Kamryn.” His voice stopped me from ending the call, and I smiled as his deep voice came through the phone. “Drive safe please. I need you whole so I can show you how much I’ve missed you.”

“I’ll be with you soon,” I promised and pressed END as I headed toward the freeway.

Twenty-five minutes later I got a text from Brody that said “1431” and nothing more. My stomach heated and curled in a delicious way as my car ate up mile after mile. My body felt hyper-aware of every touch, and goose bumps covered my arms . . . and I wasn’t even with him yet. Just knowing I would be soon was enough to replace the crippling ache I’d been dealing with the last two and a half weeks with an ache much lower. An ache I knew would be relieved soon.

After parking, I didn’t even bother trying to look civilized as I ran through the hotel and found the elevators. I’m sure I had flour, icing, and batter all over me. I had no doubt my hair was a hot mess. And I wouldn’t even have put it past the staff to call the cops because some insane woman was running through their hotel. But I didn’t care. As I punched the button for the fourteenth floor, nothing else mattered other than seeing Brody.

Looking at the signs to direct me which way to go, I ran down the hall and knocked quickly on room 1431 as I tried to catch my breath. Within seconds, the door was opening and Brody was hauling my body inside the room.

“Babe,” he moaned into my mouth as he let the door slam shut and pressed my back against it. “I missed you.”

My breathing was even more ragged as he moved his full lips across my jaw and down my throat in soft kisses. “Brody, please, I need you,” I pleaded as I reached for the bottom of his shirt and pulled it over his head.

His hands found the tie at the small of my back and pulled, loosening it so he could pull my apron off my body and toss it to the side. I shivered when his fingers barely grazed my skin as he lifted the shirt off my body.

Whole. Finally after weeks without him, I felt whole again. My body burned for him, and everywhere his lips and hands touched me felt like he was branding me. God, how I loved it. My stomach was tightening and the ache for him was growing more intense, and he was still undressing me.

Grabbing for his jeans, I undid the button and pulled down the zipper at the same time he attacked my pants, shoving them and my underwear down my thighs until they fell to my ankles. Kicking off my shoes and pushing my pants aside, I moaned loudly as my head fell back to the door and his fingers slowly ran over my clit before he was pressing two inside me. I freed his erection and took it in my hands just as he removed his fingers only to roll them around my aching bud, and my back arched away from the door as I came apart.

Brody’s mouth slammed down onto mine to quiet my pleasured cries, and he continued working me through my orgasm until my body settled back against the door. He removed my hands from where they were moving up and down his length, then let go of my wrists and grabbed the back of one thigh to hitch my leg around his waist.

“Hold on to me,” he demanded.

The second my arms were wrapped around him, he pushed roughly inside me, and my fingers curled into the muscles in his back. My body moved against the door as he pumped in and out of me, and it was all I could do to keep myself standing. I couldn’t feel my legs, and the one still keeping me upright gave out when his hand, which had been keeping our faces pressed together, released me and he ran his thumb over my sensitive bud again.

“I need you to finish with me.”

My head shook back and forth. At the moment, I wasn’t sure I could again, but I couldn’t form actual words. I felt everything, and somehow at the same time wasn’t sure what I was feeling anymore. I’d never come down from my first climax and didn’t know how I could have another one when my body was still on such a high from his touch, from having him inside me.

“Kamryn,” Brody growled as he thrust harder and harder into me.

I tried to tell him I couldn’t when his thumb and index finger pinched down on my clit, and my mouth opened on a soundless moan as my world shattered. My body felt hot and cold all at once, my eyes rolled back, and I’m pretty sure I stopped breathing.

My fingers dug into Brody’s back, and his teeth biting down on my shoulder to mute his groan had me quickly sucking in air again to relieve my straining lungs. I dropped my head and rested my cheek against the side of his neck as I tried to pull myself back together.

The blissful light-headedness slowly faded as my breathing steadied, and my shaking legs regained their strength as Brody covered the spot where he’d bitten down with soft kisses.

“Hey,” he whispered against my shoulder, and I laughed.

“Hi.”

“We went about tonight backwards.”

“We go about everything backwards,” I countered.

“True.” Kissing my lips, he pulled us away from the door and walked us through the living area until we got to the bed. “How’ve you been, Kamryn?”

There was no way I could tell him the truth. That I couldn’t sleep since I was always fighting off a deep ache and grief not being near him. That I couldn’t eat because if I wasn’t losing myself in my work, or throwing everything I had into the times when I was with Kinlee so she wouldn’t suspect anything, I was killing myself thinking of a hundred different things that Olivia could be doing and saying to keep him . . . and then I would feel too sick to even think about putting food in my stomach.

No, I couldn’t tell him that.

He would see how much I relied on him. He would think I wasn’t secure enough in myself to be alone, or that I wasn’t secure in our relationship. I would look exactly like how I was acting. Young. Naive. Dependent. Needy. Weak.

I hated that I’d found a man whom I would give anything to be with, and now I was reduced to this seemingly insecure person.

Looking in his gray eyes, I simply shrugged and let my fingers slowly trail through his dark hair. “I’ve been okay.”

From the look in his eyes, I could see that he and I both knew that okay was an exaggeration of the last couple weeks.

“I’m sorry you have to go—”

“Don’t,” I pleaded and placed two fingers over his lips. “We knew it would be hard. Stop apologizing.”

“Kamryn . . .”

“Tell me something else. Anything else as long as you aren’t apologizing.”

“Okay.” A ghost of my favorite crooked smile crossed his face as he looked down at me. “Thank you for driving all the way up here to be with me.”

“Of course, Brody.” I grabbed the hand that was lightly brushing at my jaw and kissed his palm before intertwining our fingers. “But this hotel doesn’t exactly look like the kind of place you can pay cash for a room. Aren’t you worried Olivia will find out? I think my condo is safer than this.”

“I have a credit card Liv doesn’t know about, and I don’t receive the statements in the mail. I’ve had it for years to help us when she blows all our money. She’s never found out about it.”

My eyebrows pinched together. “Blows all your money? Does she do that a lot?”

“About twice a year.”

“Brody—”

“Babe.” He cut me off. “I finally have you again, I don’t want to talk about Liv. I want to order some room service and feed you because you look like you’ve lost weight since I last saw you. I want to make love to you slowly after. I want to spend time just talking to you. Then I want to have you coming again and again until you’re begging me to stop. I want to take a shower with you when we’re almost too weak to stand, and then finally fall asleep with you in my arms. But no Olivia, all right?”

I’d started to worry when he mentioned eating, afraid he’d somehow known what I’d been thinking only a couple minutes before. But as he laid out his plans for us for the rest of the night my worries left and a smile tugged at my lips. “’Kay.”

Brody

June 5, 2015

“BRODY, WAKE UP! She’s calling, wake up,” Kamryn said, leaning over my body.

My hands moved to her bare hips, and I pulled her down so her heat was pressed against my hardening cock.

“Brody, she’s calling.”

My eyes snapped open when the agonized tone of Kamryn’s voice finally registered in my mind, and I grabbed at my phone in her hand when I realized what she’d been saying. Kamryn scrambled off my lap and the bed, and as much as it killed me to have her body move away from mine, I was grateful. I couldn’t handle feeling her, touching her, and looking at the hurt in her eyes when I was talking to Olivia.

Clearing my throat, I checked the time before answering the call and hoped like hell I didn’t sound like I’d just been asleep. “Hello?” I answered.

“Where the fuck are you?” Liv hissed through the phone.

I panicked for a few seconds as I tried to think. It was one thing to say I was at Jace’s when I could easily get there, or when I knew for sure Liv was at home. But even though she was supposed to be at her parents’, she could be anywhere. She could have already driven past my brother’s house. “My buddies from the Army are in Portland for a couple days, I drove up here to have some beers with them and catch up.” I held my breath as I waited for her to respond, then let it out in a silent rush when she seemed to buy it.

“You think I care if those dumbasses want to see you? You’re supposed to be here! You’re supposed to be home, Brody!”

“I thought you were staying at your parents’ tonight.”

She paused for a few seconds before screaming, “What is that supposed to mean?! Do you just wait for me to leave, Brody? Is that what you want? For me to leave so you can go do whatever you want? You’re such a selfish bastard, Brody Saco!”

“Fuck, Olivia, stop yelling. I was just saying I don’t know why you always expect me to be home since you’re not there half the time.”

Suddenly, Liv’s anger was gone and was replaced by loud sobs. “I can’t do this anymore, Brody. I—I just can’t!”

A huge wave of relief and guilt for turning her into this person washed over me. I can’t keep doing this either. This is it. I just need to say the words. As I opened my mouth to tell her I wanted a divorce, she stunned me into silence.

“I need to be with Tate. I can’t keep living without him. I can’t keep living in the same house as a murderer. I need to be with him,” she mumbled the last sentence. “It’s time for me to go. Good-bye, Brody.”

“What? Olivia, no! No!” Before I even realized I was moving, I was off the bed and fumbling for my clothes.

“It’ll be better this way. I can be with my son, and I won’t have to live in fear of the day you kill me too.”

“Olivia!” I shouted, but my voice was strained. How can she say something like that to me? How can she put that on me like this? God, what the fuck have I done to make her into this depressed, paranoid, and suicidal woman? “Olivia, don’t! I’m on my way home. Don’t do anything, I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

There was no response, and I looked down at my phone to see she’d ended the call.

“Fuck!” I roared into the room as I pulled my shirt over my head. Grabbing my keys off the desk, I ran toward the door, and skidded to a stop when I heard a muffled sob. Turning, I saw Kamryn standing a dozen feet away from me. One hand clutching at her bare chest, the other covering her mouth. Shit, I’d forgotten why I was even away from my house.

“Don’t go,” she pleaded.

“I have to, Kamryn, I’m sorry!” I took long steps back to her and reached for her, but she pressed a hand to my chest to stop me from pulling her in.

“You don’t have to. We don’t have to do this, Brody!” Fat tears rolled quickly down her cheeks, and my heart broke at seeing her like this again. “Whatever she said to you, you don’t have to go back to her. If you’re so miserable, then stay with me. Don’t go to her.”

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly. Fuck, she hadn’t even heard what Olivia had been saying. Of course, she didn’t understand, but I couldn’t explain Tate to Kamryn right now. Not when Olivia was about to commit suicide. I needed to leave. I might not have loved Olivia, but I couldn’t let her kill herself. “I do, you don’t understand, but I have to go. I’m so fucking sorry. I hate that I’ve said that so much tonight, but I’m more sorry than you know. One day we won’t be doing this anymore. I swear one day it will only be you and me. We’ll be past all this and we’ll have our forever, but right now, I have to leave.” Kissing her quickly, I turned and bolted from the room and ran to the elevators.

I raced down the freeway and cursed the storm that had started sometime that night. The road was slick, and rain pelted down relentlessly as I wove in and out of cars on my way back to Jeston. I tried Olivia’s phone over and over again, but each time it went straight to voice mail.

Slamming on the brake in the driveway, I didn’t even shut the SUV off or close the door as I raced into the house, thankful the front door was unlocked.

“Olivia!” I yelled as I ran toward her side of the house. “Olivia!”

She didn’t respond, and I searched wildly through her bedroom and bathroom before backtracking. Her car had been out front. I knew she was here.

“Olivia! Answer me!”

I tore through the living room and grabbed the wall just as I entered the hallway to slow myself to a stop. With careful, slow steps back toward the kitchen, I turned and eyed Olivia sitting at the bar talking quietly on the house phone.

“Liv.”

She didn’t move or acknowledge me in any way.

“Olivia, look at me!”

Slowly lifting her head, with eyes wide, she pointed at the phone. “Can’t you see I’m on the phone, Brody? Jesus!”

“Get off the phone and fucking talk to me!”

“Daddy, do you hear him? He’s crazy. I don’t feel safe being in the house with him, all he does is yell at me. If I stay here I’ll end up in the hospital or worse. Can I come stay with you?”

My jaw dropped as I listened to her. “I’m crazy? I’m crazy? Olivia, you just told me you were about to kill yourself!”

She gave me a look like I was some ridiculous child. “Now he’s trying to make me believe I’m suicidal. I swear this house is bad for my health. Tell Mom I’ll be there as soon as I pack a bag. If I’m not there or you don’t hear from me within twenty minutes, call the cops. Brody’s a loose cannon these days.”

“Olivia, tell him! Tell him what you were just telling me.”

Rolling her eyes, she sighed dramatically and pinned me with a look. “My dad wants to know if you have the money to buy me a new phone.”

My head jerked back. “What happened to yours?”

“Oh, my God. Now he’s acting like he doesn’t know,” she whispered into the phone. Looking back at me, she spoke slowly. “Because you shattered my phone, Brody.”

“I—what? You just called me from your cell phone less than an hour ago. I just got home. My goddamn car is still running!”

“Ugh. Whatever, I’ll just pay for the new phone, Dad. Don’t worry about it. I’ll see you soon.” Sliding off the bar stool, she walked past me and toward her part of the house. “I know, I’m scared to be here with him, but I’ll be out of here soon. Love you too. Bye.”

Dropping the phone on the couch, she kept walking and didn’t stop until I slammed my hand down on the bar and yelled, “What the fuck are you doing, Olivia? You know I’ve been gone! You fucking called me because I wasn’t home. I don’t know what the fuck you did to your phone, but I still have it on mine that you called.”

She shrugged. “I wanted a new phone.”

“You—you wanted—you wanted a new phone?! That’s what all this was about? Olivia! What the fuck is wrong with you? You told me you were going to kill yourself. You said you wanted to be with Tate, and I come home to find you telling your goddamn dad that I’m crazy, and scaring you, and you think I’m going to beat you?”

“Well, you were yelling, what was I supposed to think?” she screeched back.

“When have I ever laid a hand on you, Olivia? When?” She didn’t respond and my voice got louder. “Answer me!”

“You haven’t. Yet! But you’re always yelling, you’re always mad at me. It’s only going to escalate. This is how abusive relationships begin—with the man treating the woman this way.”

I huffed harshly a few times and paced the short distance between the bar and kitchen table before sitting down in a chair and grabbing at my hair. “You have got to be kidding me! You expect me not to yell when you pulled the shit you just did? When you drain our bank accounts? When you shatter practically every dish in our kitchen? And then you go back to acting like nothing happened at all? Or you break your own phone and then call your dad and place some weird blame for it on me? Who wouldn’t yell at you about that shit after almost five fucking years?!”

“Yeah, Brody. Five years. Five! Five years of coping with the fact that my distant and hateful husband murdered my baby!”

The air left my lungs in a hard rush, and I gripped at the table when I started falling forward. When I was able to speak again, my voice was low and dark. “I did not murder Tate. How dare you even suggest that. You aren’t the only one who’s been struggling. I struggle through what happened every day, and there are days when I feel like I can’t even get myself out of bed because the grief is too much. But you don’t see me lying about committing suicide. You don’t see me trying to place blame somewhere else.”

“Because there is nowhere else to place the blame. It’s all on you. Always has been, always will be. You’ve taken everything from me. Never forget that.” She took a few steps and stopped before the hallway. “I’m going to my parents’, as you obviously heard. Unless you’ve deluded yourself into thinking I’m going to commit suicide again,” she sneered. “I want a new iPhone waiting for me when I get home tomorrow.”

“You’re sick, Liv,” I whispered to the empty kitchen after I’d heard her bedroom door slam shut. “And you need help. God, you need so much help.”