Shopgirl

june

RAY PORTER CAN’T BELIEVE HOW much she is crying, and he wishes he could take back what he has told her. But the letter is in her hand, just barely, and she looks away from it as she drops it onto the bed. She tilts her head down and sobs like a child. He had written the letter because he wanted to say it succinctly; he didn’t want to stammer or mollify it, he didn’t want to change direction in the middle of a sentence and retract what he was about to tell her because of a vulnerable look in her eye. But she wanted to know; she had asked to know and she seemed to have meant it. So he handed her the letter in person as they sat in his bedroom, at the beginning of the evening, which quickly came to a close hours before it normally would have.

Dear Mirabelle,

I suppose the only way to say it is to say it: I slept with someone. It was not romantic or intimate, and I did not stay the night with this person.

I am not telling you this to hurt you, and I’m not telling you because I want our relationship to change. I am telling you this only because you asked me to. I hope that you can find a place of understanding in you. I am sorry,

Ray

With Mirabelle turned away from him, he takes the letter and quickly slides it into a drawer so she won’t have to look at the tangible evidence of what he has done. The letter represents such an awful thing to her, and Ray does right by disappearing it.

He had debated with himself for two hours while flying to Los Angeles. Tell her, or not? But she had asked him to tell her. She must have meant it. Plus, it wasn’t love; it was a fuck. Plus, she had asked him to tell her. He thought this was a new feminism thing that he is honor bound to oblige; that if he doesn’t, he is a pig. That he will actually come off well by telling her; no one could judge him otherwise. But whatever his thought process was, whatever he told himself was the right thing to do, was false. Because his logic is not based in any understanding of her heart, and he continues to misread her.

Mirabelle doesn’t ask any questions. She rises up and drags her sweater down the hall, stumbling like a drunk. Ray does not know how to handle this girl. If only she were practical, he would handle her in a practical way, but Mirabelle is in stage one – a child who has just had her heart rearranged by someone she trusted. She mumbles a cancellation of their upcoming weekend trip to New York. He follows her to her car and watches her drive away. The next day, he gets on a plane to Seattle.

Ray waits a day, then phones her just at the moment he knows she will be walking through the door.

“How are you?”

“Okay,” she says in a small voice.

“You want to talk about it?”

“Okay. Can I call you back?”

“Yeah.”

And they hang up. Mirabelle lays down her things, takes off her diaphanous Gap windbreaker, and drinks some water. She has been in a daze all day. She never wants to talk to him again, yet she is glad he called. She needs to talk to a friend, an ally, about Ray’s transgression, but Ray is her only friend. She goes to her bedroom and dials area code 206.

“Ray?”

“Hang up and I’ll call you back,” he says.

“Yeah.”

This is a fiscal ritual. Whenever she calls him long distance, they hang up and he phones her back so she won’t have to pay for the call.

“Are you better?” he says.

“I’m a little better,” she says, not knowing what she means.

“Should we see each other?” says Ray.

“I don’t think so. I changed my ticket from New York. Is that okay? I want to go to Vermont to see my parents.”

Mirabelle is not going to her parents for comfort. There will be no sympathy from her mother or father, because she can hardly explain the situation to them, especially since her father is guilty of the same act. But there will be solace in her room, in her things.

“Sure. Of course,” says Ray.

The conversation stumbles on, and Ray tells her he is sorry he hurt her. And he is, but inside he doesn’t know what he could have done differently. He is determined not to love Mirabelle; she is not his peer. He knows that he is using her, but he isn’t able to stop. And as powerful as their desire for each other remains, their conflicting goals stalemate them, and their relationship has failed to move forward, even the incremental amount necessary for it to stay alive. They mumble some good-byes, Ray knowing it is not yet over, and with Mirabelle unable to think further than her own current pain.