Silver Shadows

CHAPTER 8 Adrian

I DIDN’T MEAN FOR THINGS to get so out of hand.

My intentions had been good when I came to Court, but after failing with Lissa and then learning about my parents, something snapped inside me. I threw myself back into my old life with a vengeance, losing all semblance of responsibility. I tried to tell myself that I was just having a little fun and finding a way to unwind while I was at Court. Sometimes I even told myself it was for Nina. Maybe that excuse would’ve worked in the first few days I was back, but after a week of almost nonstop revelry and parties, even she timidly offered a protest when I picked her up one night.

“Let’s stay in,” she said. “We’ll take it easy and watch a movie. Or play cards. Anything you want.”

Despite her words, she was still dressed to go out and live it up, looking very pretty in a periwinkle dress that made her gray eyes luminous. I gestured to it. “And waste this? Come on, I thought you wanted to meet new people.”

“I do,” she said. “I have. In fact, we’re starting to see the same ones over and over. They’ve all seen me in this dress already.”

“Is that the problem?” I asked. “I’ll lend you money for another one.”

She shook her head. “I can’t even pay you back for this one.”

After finding out about the lie my parents were living, I’d been tempted to make a statement and refuse the ample allowance my dad had regularly wired into my account. I didn’t have the same bills here that I had in Palm Springs, and I’d liked the idea of showing Nathan Ivashkov that he couldn’t buy off everyone in his family. But when Nina had casually remarked she felt underdressed at some of the royal parties we went to, I’d decided using my father’s money to fund a secretary’s wardrobe would be just as irritating. Admittedly, he didn’t know about it yet, but I took a lot of personal satisfaction from it. Nina had only agreed to the arrangement if it was treated as a loan, not a gift, but even she’d been taken aback when she saw the amounts I was throwing around. A small voice of reason warned me I was in danger of falling into some of the bad spending habits I’d had in my low moments in Palm Springs, but I shushed it. After all, I’d get more from my dad soon, and most everyone was pouring my drinks for free these days anyway.

“Well, it looks great,” I said. “It’d be a shame to hide such beauty away. Unless there’s some other problem?”

“No,” she said, flushing at my words. She looked me over, and I had the feeling she was reading my aura, which would have revealed—if other signs hadn’t already—that I’d done a little pre-party imbibing already. She sighed. “Let’s go.”

She can’t keep up with you, said Aunt Tatiana as we trekked across the Court’s grounds. Sunset was causing shadows to lengthen around us. But then, what girl can?

Sydney could keep up with me, I thought. Not in the partying sense. I mean … in life.

Her words brought that terrible ache that no amount of revelry could ever chase away. Sydney. Without her, I simply felt like I was going through the motions of life, creating a dreary existence made worse by my inability to find her. All I could do was my fruitless and increasingly sporadic dream searching. I hadn’t yet searched for her tonight and wondered if maybe I should heed Nina’s suggestion, if only to buy some brief sobriety.

It’s too early, warned Aunt Tatiana. Check later. No human would be asleep yet in the United States. Besides, do you want it to come back?

She had a point about the time. The thing was, I’d missed good times to check for Sydney all week, and it was starting to bother me. But she was also right about it coming back: that terrible, plunging darkness that threatened to consume my whole world. My depression had been bad in Palm Springs after Sydney’s disappearance and had only worsened here after my failure to get Lissa’s help. I knew my former psychiatrist and even Sydney would probably tell me that was a sign to go back on medication, but how could I, when I might be able to use spirit to help her? Admittedly, I wasn’t of much use right now, but I still refused to let the magic go. And so, an increase in the self-soothing wonders of alcohol helped mute some of it, as did relying on phantom Aunt Tatiana’s advice and presence—a presence that had become disconcertingly more frequent in the last week. I knew she wasn’t real and that my psychiatrist would’ve had plenty to say about her too, but her delusion seemed to be creating a wall between the worst of my depression and me. At least she got me out of bed each morning.

That night’s party was being hosted by a Conta guy I didn’t know very well, but he seemed pleased that we’d shown up and welcomed us with a friendly wave across the room. Nina had become my accepted shadow at these events, and a lot of people who wanted to get in good with me thought cozying up to her was the way to do it. I could tell it flustered her, but I rather enjoyed the show of royals who’d normally treat her like furniture in the palace offices now sucking up as they tried to get on her good side.

Almost every party this time of year was held outdoors, weather permitting. We were schooled from such an early age to stay inside and hide from Strigoi that if an outdoor opportunity presented itself in a safe location—like Court—we could hardly refuse the opportunity. Young Lord Conta had gone out of his way to make this party particularly memorable, with all sorts of novelties to amuse and entertain. One of my favorites was a giant fountain sitting on a table, shooting up champagne in high arcs. Within the depths of the glass base, an array of colored lights shone through the sparkling liquid.

I filled glasses for Nina and me, admiring the lights as they went through a turn of colors. “Adrian,” she said softly. “Look over there, on the other side of the pool.”

I followed her gaze and saw Wesley Drozdov sipping from a martini glass and glaring daggers at me. I was kind of surprised to see him. He’d made himself noticeably scarce since our last run-in, and I wondered if he’d shown up tonight thinking I wouldn’t be at a party where I didn’t know the host well. Trash, Aunt Tatiana murmured in my head. He doesn’t deserve a royal name.

“What an aura,” added Nina. “He hates you.”

I’d already accepted a shot from a passing server on our way in and wasn’t in the best position to read auras. I had no reason to doubt Nina and chuckled at the concern in her voice. “Don’t worry. He’s not going to start anything. See?”

Sure enough, Wesley set down his empty glass and slinked off into the shadows, much to my relief. I didn’t want Aunt Tatiana to start ranting about him again. Nina still looked uneasy. “Don’t ever let him get you alone.”

I handed her a glass. “When would that ever happen, with you by my side?” I asked gallantly. “I’ve always got you to watch my back.”

Her face lit up, far more than I would’ve expected from such an over-the-top comment. But if it made her happy, I was happy. Maybe I couldn’t fix everything in my own life, but Nina was a nice girl who deserved good things after all she’d been through. That, and having her around at these parties made me feel a little less pathetic. Drinking alone was sad. Drinking with a companion could technically be justified as social interaction.

We went through our usual routine of drinking and mingling. I’d arrived with ideas about setting limits for myself but soon lost track. I can only assume that was what drove me to answer my cell phone when it rang. Usually, I checked the display before even considering answering, but tonight it didn’t even occur to me.

“Hello?”

“Adrian?”

I winced. “Hi, Mom.”

Nina stepped discreetly away, and I tried to move to a quieter spot. My mother was one of the main reasons I made sure to check my display these days, since she’d been calling me almost nonstop since our post-dinner altercation. Now there was no easy escape.

“Where are you, darling? I can hardly hear you.”

“I’m at a party,” I told her. “I can’t talk long.” That wasn’t exactly true, since few in the crowd were paying attention to me just then, and Nina had found a group to talk with near the pool.

“This won’t take long.” Unless I was mistaken, there was an edge of nervousness in her voice. “I don’t know if you received my messages. …” She trailed off meaningfully, perhaps hoping I’d provide a reassuring reason for ignoring her all week. I didn’t.

“I got them,” I said.

“Ah,” she said. “Well, then, as you know, I’m not happy with the way we left things. I miss you, Adrian. I spent a lot of time thinking about you while I was away, and one of the things I most looked forward to was being with you when I was back.”

I felt a spark of anger at that, recalling how she hadn’t wanted to talk to me in prison when I’d visited her in dreams. I kept that sentiment to myself and let her continue.

“I’d like for us to try again, just you and me. Perhaps a quiet lunch, so I can explain things better. I’d like for you to understand—”

“Are you still living with him?” I interrupted. “Are you still taking his money?”

“Adrian …”

“Are you?” I pushed.

“Yes, but as I said—”

“Then I understand perfectly. You don’t need to explain anything.”

I expected apologies or cajoling, which I’d been getting a fair amount of in her many voice mail messages and could nearly recite myself. So it was a bit of a surprise when she shot back with more bite than usual. “Are you, Adrian? I see the accounts. I see he’s still sending you money.”

She’s calling you a hypocrite, Aunt Tatiana whispered to me, venom in her voice. Are you going to let her get away with that?

“It’s not the same,” I said, feeling both angry and embarrassed. “I’m giving mine away.”

“Are you really?” My mother’s tone implied she didn’t believe that for a second.

“Yes, I—”

My angry retort was interrupted by a scream and a splash. I looked over to where I’d last seen Nina. Some horseplay had broken out in the group she’d been standing with, and she and a couple others were now surfacing in the pool, coughing and wiping water out of their eyes.

“I’ve got to go, Mom,” I said. “Thanks for calling, but until you get some self-respect, I’m just not interested.” I knew it was mean, and I didn’t give her a chance to respond before I disconnected and hurried over to the pool. I held out a hand to Nina as she dodged a tray of floating shot glasses and attempted to climb out. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, fine.” The curls that had been so cute and springy earlier now hung around her face in dark, dripping clumps. “Wish I could say the same for this dress.”

Waiters hurried forward with towels, and I took one for Nina. “It’ll dry.”

She gave me a wry smile as she wrapped the towel around herself. “You don’t do much laundry, do you? This is silk. It’s not going to mix well with the chlorine and God knows what else was in that pool.”

My mom’s words were still fresh in my mind. “Then I’ll make good on what I said earlier: We’ll get you some new clothes.”

“Adrian, I can’t keep accepting your money. It’s sweet, and I’m grateful, really. But I have to earn my own way.”

A mix of feelings flooded through me. The first was pride. Here she was, embodying exactly what I’d just been chastising my mom about. On the other hand, there was no denying that while Nina was admirably trying to do things on her own, I was very much the hypocrite my mother had insinuated. That humiliation burned through me, compounded by the frustration I already felt over being unable to help Sydney.

“You will earn your own way,” I said decisively. “We both will. Come on.”

I took Nina’s hand and led her out of the crowded yard, sparing little thought to the consequences of my impulse decision. We walked to nearly the opposite side of Court, far from the royal residences we spent so much time at. Here, among much more modest townhomes, I marched up the steps to an address I was proud to have remembered and knocked loudly on the door. Nina, still wrapped in her towel, shifted uncomfortably beside me.

“Adrian, where are we?” she asked. “Don’t you realize—”

Her words were cut off as the door opened, revealing a very surprised Sonya Karp. She’d once been a high school biology teacher and a Strigoi (though not at the same time). Now, she was Moroi once more and a spirit user like Nina and me. Her red hair was tousled from sleep, and it wasn’t until I noticed her pajamas that I had a moment of hesitation. The sun wasn’t up quite yet, but the eastern sky was definitely more purple than black. Still prime Moroi time.

“Adrian, Nina,” said Sonya, by way of greeting. She was remarkably calm, considering the unusual circumstances. “Are you two okay?”

“I … yeah.” I suddenly felt kind of stupid but then pushed such feelings aside. We were already here. I might as well make my stand. “We need to talk to you about something. But if it’s too late …” I frowned, trying to parse the time through my drink-addled brain. There was no reason she should be in bed. “Are you on a human schedule?”

“I’m on Mikhail’s schedule,” she replied, referring to her dhampir husband. “He’s been working some odd shifts, so I’ve adjusted my sleep accordingly.” She took in Nina’s towel and stepped aside from the doorway. “No point stressing about it now. Come in, both of you.”

Although the apartment had a kitchen and my suite didn’t, the overall living space was much smaller than what I currently enjoyed over in guest housing. Sonya and Mikhail had decorated things nicely and certainly given the place a warm feel, but it still struck me as wrong that a visiting royal like me received more luxurious accommodations than a hard-working guardian who was constantly risking his life. Even worse, I knew this was one of the larger guardian homes since Mikhail was married. Single guardians lived in little more than dorms.

“Do you want anything to drink?” asked Sonya, gesturing to us to sit at her kitchen table.

“Water,” said Nina quickly.

Sonya brought over two glasses and then sat down opposite us. “Now,” she said. “What’s so important?”

I pointed at Nina. “Her. She’s been helping you with some of your vaccine work, right? She puts in time but doesn’t get paid. That’s not right.”

Nina flushed, now that she realized what this was about. “Adrian, it’s fine—”

“It’s not,” I insisted. “Nina and I have both done a lot for you with your spirit research but haven’t seen any compensation.”

Sonya arched an eyebrow. “I hadn’t realized that was part of your requirements. I thought you were glad to be working against Strigoi for the sake of doing good.”

“We are,” said Nina, still looking mortified.

“But,” I added, “you can’t ask us to take time out of our schedules and lives while still expecting us to find some way to survive and make ends meet. You want our help with this? Don’t half-ass it. Hire a full-time spirit squad.” I frowned, not liking the way that came out. “Or a spirit dream team. I don’t know. I’m just saying, if you want to do it right, give us the compensation we deserve while also making sure you get the best help available. Nina has to juggle her office job while still helping you out.”

Sonya’s gaze rested on Nina, who squirmed and looked even more uncomfortable. “I know you work a lot of hours, and I do feel bad that I’m asking extra of you.” Sonya turned to me and looked distinctly less sympathetic. “But remind me again what exactly it is you’re doing these days, Adrian?”

Such nerve, said Aunt Tatiana.

“Well,” I said obstinately, “I could be helping you mass produce your vaccine, if you’d hire me on full time.”

Sonya gave a small, dry laugh. “I’d love that, except that there are two small problems. One is that I’m not mass producing anything.”

“You aren’t?” I asked. I glanced briefly at Nina, who seemed too embarrassed by this whole encounter to notice. “But I thought that was your top priority.”

“It is,” said Sonya. “But unfortunately, replicating the spirit in Neil’s blood is proving very difficult. The spirit doesn’t seem to be bound to the blood in a stable way, and I worry it’s going to fade over a long enough time before we can crack its secrets. Having spirit users on hand to advise me is very useful, no question. But solving this also requires a biology background and understanding of blood at the cellular level, and unfortunately, there’s only one person I know who meets that requirement. And that spirit user hasn’t been able to solve this yet.”

It took me a moment to realize Sonya was talking about herself. I knew Nina had been helping Sonya, but it was news to me—and Nina too, from her face—that the project was at a standstill. We’d made such huge strides in creating a Strigoi vaccine for Neil that it was maddening to think we were now in a position where we couldn’t fully take advantage of that. I’d just assumed after all our hard work that Sonya was now creating her miracle elixir in a lab somewhere, ready to share it with the world.

“What’s the second problem?” I asked, recalling her earlier statement.

“The second problem,” said Sonya, “is that I’m in no position to pay you. Believe me, I would love a ‘spirit dream team’ dedicated to this task, but I don’t even get paid for this. The queen and the council have money and grants set aside for scientific research, and I file requests for that to cover expenses for supplies and travel. But as for any other compensation? I see no more than you. Although … it might be an avenue worth considering. If the council truly wants this work to move forward, they should ensure those best suited to it are able to fully devote their time and resources.”

Sonya sounded sincere about that, but I felt idiotic yet again. I’d come here demanding money as though she were some master treasurer when the truth was she was putting in even more work than we were—also for nothing. Even in the throes of alcohol, I could recognize what an ass I’d been.

“Sonya, I’m sorry,” I said.

Ivashkovs don’t apologize! snapped Aunt Tatiana.

“Don’t be,” said Sonya. “It’s not an unreasonable request.”

“I was unreasonable in the way I asked it,” I said gruffly.

Will you stop doing that? demanded Aunt Tatiana.

Nina, though still flustered at the attention brought upon her, unknowingly took my imaginary aunt’s side and rested a hand gently on my arm. “You didn’t know. And you were doing it for me.”

“I really will ask,” Sonya added, glancing between us. “Who knows? Maybe a ‘dream team’ will help get things moving. Mostly I’d been waiting for school to end at Amberwood, so that we could have Neil back here with Jill. I’d hoped having him in person might illuminate the situation.”

“Maybe if Neil comes back, Olive will too,” said Nina. This whole encounter with Sonya had clearly upset her, but the thought of Olive cheered her a little.

“Maybe,” I said, not feeling so confident based on everything I’d heard recently from Nina. “Seems like you’d be a bigger draw than some guy she hardly knows.”

“She fell for him pretty hard, though.” Nina played with the edges of her towel a moment and then looked up to meet my eyes. “Falling in love with someone can make you do things the love of a relative can’t.”

I frowned as I studied her more closely and realized she was shivering. “Good God,” I said, ashamed of my own obliviousness. “You must be freezing.” The temperature outside, while pleasant, wasn’t as sweltering as it had been earlier in the week, and making that long walk in a drenched party dress couldn’t have been fun. I glanced at Sonya. “Do you have anything she can wear?”

Nina turned crimson. “I’m fine. Don’t go to any trouble—”

“Of course,” interjected Sonya, rising. She beckoned Nina up as well. “I’ve got a few things you can try.”

Nina followed her reluctantly out of the room. Sonya returned a minute later and rejoined me at the table. “She’s changing now.”

I nodded, my mind still on our earlier conversation. “I hope she doesn’t get too let down if Olive doesn’t come back to Court. I think Olive’s got a lot to process after—well, you understand.”

“I do,” said Sonya solemnly. “But to be too honest, I’m not worried about Olive letting Nina down.”

I was sobering a little, only enough to give me a headache and not, apparently, enough to clear my mind. “What do you mean?”

Sonya sighed. “That’s what I was afraid of. You have no idea that girl is crazy about you, do you?”

“Who … you mean Nina?” I shook my head. “No, she’s not. We’re just friends.”

“You spend an awful lot of time together. And whenever she and I meet for work, you’re all she talks about.”

“I have no interest in her,” I said firmly. “Not that way, at least.”

Sonya gave me one of those knowing looks she excelled at. “I never said you did. In fact, it’s perfectly clear to me you don’t. But she’s not aware of that. And it’s cruel of you to lead her on.”

“I’m not!” I protested. “We just hang out.”

“She told me you bought her clothes.”

“It’s a loan,” I said staunchly. “Because she doesn’t make enough to live on.”

“She was doing just fine until you started pushing her into the whirlwind of royal social life.” Sonya met me directly in the eyes. “Look, you want my advice? If you care about her, back off. Without realizing it, you’re sending her mixed messages, and eventually it’s going to go bad when the one she finally gets isn’t the one she was hoping for. It would be hard on anyone—but you of all people know how fragile we spirit users can be.”

“Well, actually, I don’t want your advice, and I’m not backing off anything because I’m not doing anything wrong. Nina’s a smart girl. She knows we’re just friends and likes what we have. Telling me to give her up is kind of premature.”

“Give her up?” Sonya chuckled. “That’s an addict’s term. What is it exactly you’re using her for? Or more importantly, should I ask, what—or whom—is she replacing?”

“Nothing. No one. Stop giving me the third degree! What’s wrong with me just having a friend?”

Nina returned, wearing Sonya’s borrowed sweatpants and T-shirt, and ended the conversation. Oblivious to the tension she’d walked in on, Nina was effusive with her thanks to Sonya and made a few more inquiries about the vaccine status. As they spoke, my mind wandered, and I wondered if I’d been inadvertently lying to Sonya.

Not about anything romantic with Nina and me. There was no one I could even imagine being with besides Sydney. But when we left Sonya’s and I walked Nina back to her place, I found myself wondering about the other part of Sonya’s commentary.

What—or whom—is she replacing?

There was no replacement for Sydney, of course. There was no one like her in the world, no one who could even compare to her in my heart. Yet, when Sonya had suggested I back off from Nina, the first panicked thought that had raced through my mind was that I would be alone again. Because while grief and fear and anger had dominated my emotions in the wake of Sydney’s disappearance, I couldn’t deny that loneliness had been there as well. My relationship with Sydney had healed a lost part of me, a piece of my soul that had felt adrift in the world. When she’d vanished, I’d lost that tether and floated loose once more.

Nina, though not replacing Sydney romantically, had certainly done a lot to ground me. Not that I was exactly exhibiting model behavior these days. But Nina gave me someone to talk to—who didn’t live inside my head—and at least provided some regularity to my partying lifestyle. Picking her up and getting her home on time each night ensured I wasn’t completely running wild. And aside from the pleasure of secretly punishing my father by spending his money on her, I also took satisfaction in taking care of someone. It made me feel a little less useless. I couldn’t find Sydney, but by God, I could make sure Nina was dressed for royal nightlife.

But was Sonya right that I was taking advantage of Nina in the process?

I pondered this as we reached Nina’s doorstep, over in another section of housing that was only slightly less barebones that Sonya’s. Nina unlocked her door and then turned to face me. The sun was definitely up now, lighting her face with dawn’s colors.

“Well, thanks as always for an interesting time,” she said with a small laugh. “And thanks for what you tried to do with Sonya. You really didn’t have to. But thanks.” She was wringing her hands together, a nervous habit of hers I’d noticed before.

I shrugged. “You heard what she said. Maybe something’ll come of it regardless.”

“Maybe.” A moment of silence hung between us before she asked, “Well … same time tomorrow?”

I hesitated, wondering if I was creating an unhealthy situation for myself. Wondering if I was creating one for her.

Are you going to let Sonya dictate your life? demanded Aunt Tatiana. What does she know?

I felt a flare of anger within me. Sonya was overreacting. What was wrong with me having a friend? What was wrong with me having someone to talk to? Was I expected to live in isolation, just because Sydney was gone? And furthermore, Nina was too intuitive to harbor any feelings for me. She had her own issues and wasn’t going to get any crazy ideas about us.

“Same time,” I assured her.