The Colors of Magic Anthology

Goblinology

Introductory note by Armand Ar-basinno, instructor of popular culture and goblinology at the Argivian University and author of Studies in Goblin Culture; The Goblin Ruins at The Flarg: Their History and Exploration; and Squee: A Study in Popular Mythology.

[Note in margin: Squee, Squee, Squee! According to Ar-basinno every goblin is named Squee! L. B.]

It is my privilege to present to the public a very remarkable document, recently discovered in the ruins of The Flarg and edited and annotated by myself, with some minor assistance by Latavino Bar-bassanti, who, unfortunately, departed from the university before the project could be completed. I may add that I regard this task as the crowning achievement of my extensive work on the history and development of goblin culture, and that the document confirms the conclusions to which I, in the face of opposition from so many of my colleagues, had already come.

[Note in margin: A silly, self-satisfied conclusion by an overblown windbag! L.B.]

It has, of course, been my contention for a number of years that the goblins of The Flarg were polytheists, worshiping a variety of gods to whom they made regular sacrifices. Prior to the discovery at The Flarg of the document below, however, little specific information was available concerning goblin religious rituals. Thanks to my work on this document, combined with the extensive body of writing I have bequeathed to the learned community as my legacy, future historians and goblinologists will have little trouble in filling in the gaps along the trail I have already blazed.

In point of fact, I had already developed the theory of goblin religion in my well-known and, if I may say so, remarkable book The Apostles of Squee: Deconstructing Goblin Religious Discourse and Perception in the Age of the Great Cold (Argivian University Press).

[Note in margin: Well known, indeed! The book was remaindered within thirty days, and housewives all over Terisiare used it as a doorstop. The only thing remarkable about the book was the fact that Ar-basinno managed to spread his lunatic "theory" over two thousand pages. In fact, Ar-basinno was almost fired from his position when, while presenting a copy to the chancellor, he dropped it and broke the poor man's ankle. The chancellor spent two weeks in bed, and Ar-bassino made the rounds of faculty parties in Argive, explaining that the university official had been struck by the weight of his arguments. L.B.]

It is not out of place here to briefly summarize this theory:

[Note in margin: The gods preserve us! L.B.]

In ancient times, during the Age of the Great Dark and Cold that followed hard upon the disastrous era of the Brothers' War, goblins at The Flarg formed a vast and powerful community. It is clear from the extensive ruins at The Flarg that they were a politically influential race, deep in learning, strong in arms, universally respected throughout much of Dominaria. Great goblin fleets ploughed the seas, and goblin ornithopters swept through the clouds, driving the enemies of the goblin empire before them.

[Note in margin: Here we go again! Ar-basinno used to propagate this story in the pubs around the university, usually late in the evening when he'd had eight or nine glasses of Korlisian wine. For this reason, he was known throughout the university as "old goblin head." L.B.]

In this age, a cult grew up among the goblins centered on the worship of a deity known as "Squee." This fact accounts for the extensive use of this as a name among the goblins of The Flarg (and indeed in the goblin communities through the rest of Dominaria). The cult of Squee was celebrated in various rituals, which were clearly extremely sacred to the goblins, though they are, perhaps, beyond our understanding today.

Now, in the following document, I have the clues that allow me, drawing on a store of knowledge accumulated over a lifetime of study of goblin culture, to unravel the mystery of goblin Squee-based rituals. The document is evidently in the form of a letter, written by one high priest of Squee to another and communicates the essence of the ritual, while leaving some parts of it as mysterious as before. Nonetheless, I have every confidence my persistence and scholarly ability will allow me to unravel this tangle as well and lay it before my public.

[Note in margin: In other words, there's no reasonable chance of getting him to shut up in the near future. L. B.]

I will indicate briefly the circumstances attendant upon the discovery of this historic find.

While excavating the ruins of the goblin settlement at The Flarg, I came across a wide, flat area.

[Note in the margin: Actually the area was first uncovered by myself and Sarapinna Machieve, a graduate student whom. Ar-basinno had talked into working with him for the summer. Until the dig at The Flarg, she spent most of her time trying to make sense of his incoherent notes and ramblings while evading his crude attempts to get her into bed with him. At the time we uncovered the site, Ar-basinno was sound asleep in his tent. L.B.]

At either end of this area, it was clear that in the distant past pestholes had been inserted. I concluded that such an area, accommodating a large population, could only have been used for religious ceremonies of considerable significance. With this in mind, I looked for evidence to confirm this theory. It was not slow in coming.

To one side of the field I found several objects, roughly spheroid, approximately a foot long, and slightly pointed at both ends. These had been placed in a box, indicating they must have been very precious to the goblins and thus objects of religious veneration. Also within the box was a crude wooden whistle, several skins used to hold water or-in light of the obviously religious character of the site-sacred wine, and several garments, which, though worn through use and the ages, were recognizable as holy vestments employed only during the most sacred rituals. They bore large numbers on the back and were emblazoned with names, which I translated after considerable difficulty, the meaning of which will become clear through perusing the document below.

In further examination of the field I discovered more evidence of ritual behavior: parts were churned up by the feet of many worshiping goblins, and along the sides were evidences of many spectators. In one place near the edge of the field was a heap of bottles that had at one time probably contained sacred drinks consumed during the ceremonies that were enacted upon the field.

[Note in margin: You'!! notice all the talk about drink. One of Ar-basinno's earliest "research projects" during his tenure at the Argivian University was an attempt in his laboratory to discover the exact composition of the sacred wine of the goblins. To this end he made a number of experiments, most of which ended in him drinking the results. One such experiment, involving too high a proportion of a particularly wlatik alcoholic derivative, resulted in the destruction of a substantial section of the Hall of Akhemical Research and permanently removed Ar-basinno's eyebrows. L.B.]

The document reproduced below was found in the remains of one of the dwellings near the field and was probably composed by a high priest. It takes the form of a letter to a fellow religious figure and explains the development of a significant ceremony in the Cult of Squee, whose existence I have established.

One final note is in order. Writing among the goblins seems to have employed spelling and grammatical conventions largely unknown to us, though clearly allowing them a high measure of precise communication. Indeed the goblin language, when properly rendered in speech, is one of unparalleled beauty and grace, which I have been accustomed to speak to my students.

[Note in margin: Yes, and the spectacle is enough to attract students carrying rotten fruit and vegetables from all over town. Word goes out that "looney Armand's at it again," and you can see the crowds coming for miles. L.B.]

If confusion should arise, the reader is advised to consult my well-known Dictionary of Goblinese, compiled by Armand Ar-basinno (I6 volumes).

Der Krank,

Hope dis lettr find you good. I iss fine too. Wether here good. Sum rain but sunny afferwards, bring out da bugs.

[Ar-basinno's note: The name "Krank" is probably a formal title. The discussion of weather in The Flarg is clearly preparatory to a more extensive discussion of the Squee-based ritual, which required a certain amount of alternating rain and sun. The word here given as "bugs" I have decided to translate as "followers" or "disciples. " Evidently the writer of the letter is anticipating a large gathering for the ritual, anticipated by his remarks on the weather.]

We made up noo game odder day, me an Fizzer. Member how we uze goblin bombs ta keep off bad men. Well we had a lotta em in big pile outside, an Druze tol me an Fizzer ta take em off ware dey couldn't hurt nobody outsida da houses.

[Ar-basinno's note: The phrase "goblin bombs" is particularly significant here. There can be no precise translation of this, but I think it is best understood as a type of votive object, one carried, as we shall see later, during religious ceremonies. Druze is clearly the title for the high priest, giving instructions to the Fizzers, that is, to his acolytes.]

Any way we took da bombs to dat big flat place outsid Squees house

[Ar-basinno's note: His temple.] an we waz havin fun trowin bombs ta each odder, tryin ta catch em when Squee came outta his house an yell at us dat we makin too much noise an he cant sleep.

[Ar-basinno's note: A tremendously significant passage. The Squee emerges from his temple, making himself manifest to his priests. This is clearly a most holy moment, indicated by the elevated language of the passage. Thus we see the priests, the Fizzers, manipulating the sacred objects, the "bombs" and calling forth the Squee, who responds to them with a ritual chant of some sort.]

[Note in margin: Where does he get these ideas? L. B.]

So me an Fizzer thro one a da bombs to him, an he catched it. We started ta run away an den we fell off a da side ware da mowtin is an start dis big rock slide so Squee couldnt catch us. We wuz laffin.

[Ar-basinno's note: The passage makes clear that the site of the temple of Squee was near the area I already uncovered at the ruins of The Flarg, the large, flat field.

Further indication that it was the site of a religious ritual is plain from the fact that various measurements-ten yards, twenty yards, thirty, and so on-are marked along one side of it in ancient goblinese, indicating, clearly, the path along which religious processions proceeded.]

Squee get so mad, he kick da bomb, an Fizzer cawt it before it bloo up an ran back up to da field. Squee run after him and try ta grab him, but I push him down an den we run off. Squee chase affer us, tryin ta grab da bomb, but we kep tossin it ta each odder.

[Ar-basinno's note: The Squee and the Fizzers engage in a ceremonial dialogue, each clearly responding with predetermined questions and answers, manipulating the sacred objects while passing along the holy road. We can be confident that the whole ceremony was witnessed by awe-struck devotees, who probably consumed the sacred drinks, as well as ritual-based food, during the event.]

[Note in margin: Well, when it comes to consuming sacred drink, whether of his own making or drawn from a tap, Ar-basinno's on familiar ground. I've seen him go through four bottles of wine during an evening's carousing. L. B.]

Fizzers sister an modder wuz watchin us an dey started yellin an laffin an cheerin.

[Ar-basinno's note: "Sister" and "Mother" here are obviously metaphorical. These are references to the high priestesses of Squee, who now join in the ceremony.]

Den dey wuz throwin grass clumps at us an dey started wavin roun big clumps a grass an jumpin up an down. We wuz laffin reely hard.

[Ar-basinno's note: Very important. As the procession of "bugs" led by the Fizzers moves toward the Squee manifestation, it is joined by the high priestesses, who wave plant fronds, thus signaling the coming of the new year through the benevolent agency of the Squee. Thus we find confirmation that the Squee cult was a fertility religion. I have discussed this subject extensively in my well-known and highly respected work The Regenderization and Dis-sexification of Goblinesque Interaction in the Period of Antiquity.]

[Note in margin: Oh, please! Ar-basinno has an amazing talent for overlooking the obvious. His interest in "fertility cults" was probably fueled by the fact that his wife left him- understandable, since he used to start every morning by reading sections of Regenderization to her over the breakfast dishes. When she left the house for the last time, she also left him with a black eye, which he explained to his colleagues at the university as the result of walking into a lamppost. Most of his acquaintances assumed from the shape of the bruise that his wife had heaved the "well-known and highly respected" work at him. L. B.]

So any ways, everbudy in da town come runnin and wuz watchin us throw da bomb aroun whan Fizzer drops it an it blows up. We found part of Fizzer on top a me roof later.

[Ar-basinno's note: Clearly the culmination of the ceremony is the ritual sacrifice of the high priest, or Fizzer, while those around him chant praises to the Great Squee. One can imagine the scene clearly: the pure white robes of the acolytes, the rich golden trappings of the high priests, studded with gems that gleam in the sunlight. The air is filled with the sound of songs bringing praise to Squee, asking the gods to bless the coming harvest with their beneficence. The archpriestess (referred to in the document as the "mother") stands astride the Fizzer, a jeweled dagger in her hand. It glitters against the blue sky as she slowly raises it. The chanting rises in volume, and then she slashes it down in a mighty stroke. Blood sprays upward, splashing her robes with the water of life, and the crowd gives a mighty shriek of delight and religious ecstasy.]

[Note in margin: Pure romance! Ar-basinno should have written stories for a living. L. B.]

Da game wuz fun an so we do it again. Dis time we had too teems an dey wore diffrnt shirts. We thrued da bomb to Quilk an he run wit it to try to get to da odder end of da field til da odder teem catch him an beat him wit clubs an stuff an he wuz down. Den we do it agin til da odder teeam (we called dem da Raiders cuz dey raided us an tried ta steal our bomb) got da bomb and den dey run wit it.

[Ar-basinno's note: From this fairly confused passage, we can infer that the ritual slaying of the Fizzer was followed by an orgy, involving all the participants in the ceremony.]

[Note in margin: Of course. All of Ar-basinno's theories involve orgies sooner or later. L. B.]

We had ta name our teem an we coodnt think a somtin til somebody, I tink it wuz Fizzers cozin Farf who wuz throwin da bomb most, sed we should pack beatle bugs fer lunch nex time cuz he wuz hungry.

[Ar-basinno's note: Again the reference to increasing the number of "bugs, " i. e., followers necessary for the ceremony.]

So we callin ourselfs da Packers.

[Ar-basinno's note: It seems clear that this religious cult split into several competing factions, which evidently led to religious wars. This probably explains why this cult was eventually wiped out and has left only faint traces in goblin culture today. From the extent of the destruction in the cult, we are safe in inferring a series of increasingly severe religious wars and crusades carried out by the "Raiders" and "Packers" upon one another, resulting in their mutual extinction. I propose to deal much more extensively with this issue in my forthcoming book, The Shattered World: An Investigation of the Goblin Religious Wars and the Collapse of the Cult of Squee.]

[Note in margin: The gods preserve us, he proposes to write another sleep-producer. L. B.]

Anyway da game is fun an now we play it all da time cept peeple don lik getting hit wit clubs, so we had ta tell everybody no more of dat, jus grab da guy wit dat bomb an push him down. Also wes runnin out of goblin bombs an people don like throwin dem so much cuz if dey drop em dey get blooed up. So maybe well uze somfin else. Like a ball. We wuz tryin ta cide what ta call da game. Somebody sed we should call it Ball kickin wit Feet, but we all laffed. Den I sed we should call it affer food, cuz it makes us feel like eatin after. So we dacided ta call it Cricket.

So concludes this remarkable document, the most detailed and persuasive evidence for my theory of the cult of Squee yet adduced. The author of the document even gives a name to this important cult: Cricket. I take considerable pride in presenting this evidence to refute the ignorant attempts by certain of my colleagues at the Argivian University to dismiss my research and request that the regents of the university take it into consideration when discussing my application for future resources to continue to investigate the exciting and intriguing pathways opened up by this find.

Note appended to the above:

To the Regents and Masters of the Argivian University, from Lavino Bar-bassanti, late of the university.

As you can plainly deduce from the above document, old Ar-basinno has gone completely around the bend. His "theory" of a goblin religious cult of Squee, which he began developing twenty years ago, has been preying on his brain, and now he's taken it to new heights of lunacy.

As I mentioned above in a marginal note, I was with Ar-basinno when he investigated the ruins at The Flarg. Since he was drunk most of the time, there was little he saw and less he remembered. He's right about the field, though: Sarapinna and I found it more or less the way he describes. It was striking only in that whereas the rest of the settlement had fallen into ruins after the human raids that laid waste to the area, the broad field was actually well-preserved. I don't deny that it was a place of importance to the goblins, but Ar-basinno's idea of religious rituals has no evidence for it at all.

I told him as much at the time, but he wasn't inclined to listen, and I felt it was best to keep quiet and hope the whole thing would blow over. We found the spheroid objects, wineskins, and whistle exactly as he says. The garments were in pretty bad shape, but I could make out the word "Raiders" on one and "Packers" on the other. On each side of the field were places where there had been some sort of arrangement of benches. Ar-basinno is right in saying that whatever was going on there was seen by a gathering of goblins.

At one end of the field was a large rock, on which, at some time in the past, someone had chisled some numbers and words. It was hard to make everything out, but there was something about "downs. " However, we were unable to decipher the word's direct translational meaning.

Personally, I believed the whole discovery was far less significant than Ar-basinno wanted to make out. Back in our tent, he kept babbling on about the "most significant archaeological find of the century" and the "physical foundation of the science of goblinology" until I had to hit him over the head with a flagon of wine to shut him up. The next morning when he came to, the idea of a religious cult was firmly ensconced in his mind, and nothing I said could dislodge it.

We argued about it almost the entire way back to Argivia, and shortly after, as many of you are aware, I departed from the university rather than suffer through further association with him.

I strongly urge you to ignore this whole affair and offer Ar-basinno the prospect of a quiet retirement to some obscure location within the university. Whatever went on at The Flarg on that field, I doubt it had any lasting significance for goblin culture. At best it was some sort of ritual-certainly not religious-that was brief and probably didn't involve any great numbers. It seems clear to me from the document that "Cricket" was a game, and who can imagine any society spending a great deal of time and resources on a mere game?