The Complete Yes Prime Minister

THE BISHOPS GAMBIT

June 5th

Finished work by six p.m. tonight, except for my red boxes. So Bernard and I watched the six oclock news. There was nothing new. But the media are making a big story out of a young British nurse called Fiona McGregor who is being held in the Gulf state of Qumran for the alleged possession of a bottle of whisky.

Theyve given her ten years imprisonment and forty lashes, but apparently the sentence is not to be carried out till it is confirmed, whatever that means.

On the news they showed her mother and her MP (Stuart Gordon, one of our backbenchers) taking a petition to the Qumran Embassy. The officials refused to accept the petition.

The final item of this story was the official response from the Foreign Office, which said that the Foreign Secretary has described the incident as regrettable, but that no action is planned.

The news moved on to telling us that there has been another bad day for the pound. I switched off, and sent for Humphrey. When he came I told him that this situation with the nurse is a big worry. Theres a lot of public sympathy for her.

He agreed.

Whats the best thing to do? I asked.

Im sure the Foreign Secretary will advise you, he said.

He advises me to do nothing, I said.

Im sure thats very good advice, said Humphrey.

The usual obstruction from the FO. This has been going on too long already. If we dont do anything we look heartless, I explained. We also look feeble. It doesnt do the government any good to look heartless and feeble simultaneously. I turned to Bernard. What do you think, Bernard?

Bernard perked up. Perhaps you could manage it so that you only look heartless and feeble alternately.

I ignored him, and simply reiterated to Humphrey that we have to do something. My hope is that since I trounced Humphrey and his Foreign Office pal Dick Wharton only recently, this time they may knuckle under with less pressure from me.

However, it doesnt look hopeful at the moment. Humphrey informed me politely that the Foreign Secretary doesnt think that we have to do anything. Well, obviously not hes been told what to think by the Foreign Office, and the officials there do not know or care what the electorate wants.

Humphrey gave me the official view. The Qumranis are good friends of Britain. They have just placed a huge defence contract with us. They tell us what the Soviets are up to in Iraq. They even sabotage OPEC agreements for us. We cant afford to upset them.

I know all that, Humphrey, I said wearily. Sometimes he talks to me as if Im a complete idiot. But the point is, a British citizen is facing a barbaric punishment for a trivial offence in a foreign country. And the Foreign Office is there to protect British subjects.

He shook his head and smiled sadly. They are there to protect British interests.

Its not in her interests to be flogged, I said.

Its not in our interests to prevent it, he replied with sudden firmness.

I did not and do not accept this view. I have refused to accept it for days now and I still refuse. [The Foreign Office would have been perfectly content for Hacker to refuse continuously to accept their view, for his refusal appeared to satisfy him emotionally, so long as this did not result in his forcing the FO to accept a change in policy Ed.] Humphrey argued that this is one of those little bush fires that flares up and dies down in a few days. The only mistake we can make is to put fuel on it. Statements, actions, ultimata, sanctions -- they would only make it The Foreign Office wants me to sit back and do nothing.

He claims that the FO is doing something. Tomorrow, apparently, we are to deliver a strongly worded note of protest to the Qumranis.

Why cant we do it now? I asked.

Because we havent got their agreement yet, he explained. Were talking to the Ambassador privately now. When they have approved the wording we shall hand it to them. Then, he remarked smugly, well have done all we can.

It seems like a pretty odd way to protest. Its a purely diplomatic protest, for public consumption only. No teeth at all. And Humphrey thinks that this would be sufficient action to take on behalf of that poor girl. I suppose the Foreign Office thinks Pontius Pilate did all he could.

To my surprise, Humphrey agreed enthusiastically. Yes indeed, Pontius Pilate would have made an excellent Foreign Secretary. You cant put the nations interests at risk just because of some silly sentimentality about justice. If we took moral positions on individual injustices and cruelties wed never have been able to hand Hong Kong over to the Chinese, or put Mugabe in power in Zimbabwe. Morality was what fouled up the Foreign Offices plans for a quiet handover of the Falklands to Argentina -- they dont want to take any moral positions for a long time now.

I sighed. He seemed to be right, in purely practical terms. There seems to be nothing we can do. Its very heartless, I said gloomily.

Humphrey leaned forward encouragingly. Its safer to be heartless than mindless. The history of the world is the triumph of the heartless over the mindless.

Hed won and he knew it. We all fell silent for a moment, then Humphrey rose and asked if he might leave as he had a dinner engagement. As he walked to the door I called after him that the Foreign Office will never get the Cabinet to agree to this policy.

He turned in the doorway. The Foreign Office never expect the Cabinet to agree to any of their policies. Thats why they never fully explain them. All they require is that the Cabinet acquiesce in their decisions after theyve been taken.

And he was gone.

I stared morosely at Bernard. Bernard, is there anyone else in public life who is quite as spineless as our Foreign Office officials?

Bernard was surprised. Theyre not spineless, Prime Minister. It takes a great deal of strength to do nothing at all.

Id never thought of it that way. Does it? I asked.

Yes, Prime Minister, thats why people regard you as a strong leader.

Was this a compliment or an insult? It seemed that Bernard wasnt too sure either because he continued hurriedly: I mean, because you resist pressures. Then he reminded me that I should get ready for the Reception tonight.

I asked him to give me a rundown of the list of significant guests. The most significant tonight were representatives of the Synod of the Church of England. There is a vacancy in the diocese of Bury St Edmunds, and I have to make the choice between two names which they will be submitting to me.

But although, by tradition, they have to submit two names, they will be anxious that I dont pick the wrong one. I asked Bernard how I will know which to pick.

Its like any Civil Service option, Prime Minister. Itll be a conjuring trick. You know, Take any card -- you always end up with the card the magician forces you to take.

It was very bold of Bernard to admit this. So I asked, What if I dont take it?

He smiled confidently. You will.

Well see about that, I thought to myself. Who are these clerical cards theyre going to offer me, Bernard?

With the church, he grinned, youre usually given the choice of a knave or a queen.

[Sir Humphrey Applebys dinner engagement that evening was at the High Table of his alma mater, Baillie College, Oxford. There, by chance, the subject of Sir Humphreys retirement impinged unexpectedly on the Prime Ministers forthcoming choice of a bishop. The conversation at High Table, which Sir Humphrey reports in his private diary, was of course not known to the Prime Minister Ed.]

We had the usual adequate dinner. As always the claret was better than the food, the port was better than the claret, and the conversation was better than the port.

The serious conversation, as always, began as we reached the port and walnuts. After the customary courtesies, the Master thanking me for coming to dine with them and my replying that it is always a pleasure to dine with old friends, the Master came to the point. He told me that he would be retiring in four or five years, roughly when I shall be retiring from the Civil Service.

The juxtaposition could hardly have been coincidental. So I was alerted for his next remark: The Bursar and I think you could be just the chap to succeed me as Master of Baillie. Sweet words. Music to my ears.

However, it soon became apparent that there is an obstacle. This obstacle is known as the Dean. Somewhat reluctantly, but without pulling any punches, the Master revealed that the Dean does not like me.

This astonishes me. Why should he dislike me, Ive never done anything that he should be grateful for?

Nevertheless, it seems to be a fact. The Bursars theory is that the Dean believes that Im too clever by half. One would have thought that, at Oxford, to be called clever might be rather a compliment.

Apparently, the Dean also thinks Im smug. I got that from the Bursar too, who seemed to be enjoying the whole conversation a little too much for my liking.

The Bursar may have realised that I wasnt appreciative of his candour, because he told me that in his opinion it did not matter. I thought he was saying that it didnt matter what the Dean thought -- but no, he was saying that it didnt matter that I am smug!

And he went on and on about it. He told me that it was perfectly obvious, and that furthermore I have a lot to be smug about. If he had 75,000 a year, a knighthood, an index-linked pension and a bunch of politicians to take blame for all his mistakes, he informed me, he would be pretty smug too.

This remark was very revealing. Envy is at the root of the Deans dislike for me, and the Bursars belief that I am smug. There can be no other explanation. It is yet another cross to bear. But I shall do my best to bear it with grace.

The Master added that the Dean hates intrigue and does not like politicians. For a ghastly moment I thought that the Master was suggesting that I am a politician. I decided that we had spent enough time discussing their distorted vision of my personal qualities, and asked to know more about the Dean.

The Bursar explained that the Dean is paranoid that the Master and the Bursar are intriguing about this matter behind his back. Which is why they decided to discuss it with me while hes away. They made two matters quite clear: first, that they do not go in for intrigue; second, that the only way I can become Master of Baillie is if they can dump the Dean.

This could be a problem. The Dean is a lazy bugger. He only has to do four hours work a week, give one lecture and a couple of tutorials -- and he has tenure for life. They say that he only has two interests: cricket and steam engines. He never has to read a new book or think a new thought, so being an Oxford don is the perfect job for him. Why would he ever move?

The Master and the Bursar have concluded that only a bishopric would get him away from Baillie and they were wondering about the Diocese of Bury St Edmunds, which is up for grabs.

It is a very appealing Diocese. It is one of the old ones, with a seat in the Lords. This, I know, would appeal greatly to the Dean. In my observation of him, his principal hobby is sucking up to the aristocracy.

Unfortunately, Im not sure if I can do anything about getting Bury St Edmunds for the Dean. Its rather late in the day. Furthermore, as I explained to them, the Church is looking for a candidate to maintain the balance between those who believe in God and those who dont.

It comes as a surprise to many, including the Master and the Bursar, to learn that many people in the church do not believe in God, including most of the bishops.

Bury St Edmunds is sewn up. It has been arranged by the Church that Canon Mike Stanford will get the job. In theory Hacker has to recommend the appointment. But the Church customarily puts up the candidate they want plus an impossible second candidate, to ensure that the PM has no real choice.

Furthermore, the Dean has done enough public service even to qualify for Bury St Edmunds.

But this is a serious matter for my own future, especially as there are no other dioceses coming free in the near future. Bishops dont retire as often as they should. The older appointees dont have to retire at sixty, and bishops tend to live long lives -- apparently the Lord is not all that keen for them to join Him. 'Hon hoi theoi philousin apothneeskei neos [Menander: Those whom the gods love die young Ed.], which perhaps explains why bishops live to a ripe old age.

We concentrated on the only hopeful line of attack: more public service for the Dean. He is an expert on Islamic studies, and he loves the Arabs. One of his few good qualities. I had a flash of inspiration: I suggested that the Master gets his bishop to send him to Qumran to intercede on behalf of that nurse. They were delighted with the idea.

It is a situation in which we cannot lose. If he fails, he has at least tried. If he succeeds, he will be a hero. And if he doesnt come back he wont be missed.

I wouldnt want to go there, though. Its an awful country. They cut peoples hands off for theft, and women get stoned when they commit adultery. Unlike Britain, where women commit adultery when they get stoned.

He might even come back with certain parts missing.

Look, no hands!

[Appleby Papers 42/43/12 BD]

[Hackers diary continues Ed.]

June 6th

A meeting with Peter Harding, the Appointments Secretary. Hes about sixty, and hes a quietly confident sort of chap. Very sound, apparently.

I was a little hesitant because Ive never appointed a bishop before. [Recommended the appointment to the Sovereign Ed.]

There were two candidates. First, Canon Mike Stanford. Michael, I suppose, though it seems they all call him Mike. People never called bishops Mike when I was a kid! Not in public, anyway. Perhaps hes called Mike because hes always on the radio.

Peter told me that Mike is a Modernist. This was new terminology to me. A theological term, Prime Minister. It seems that he accepts that some of the events described in the Bible are not literally true -- he sees them as metaphors, legends or myths. He is interested in the spiritual and philosophical truth behind the stories.

I expressed it my way, to be sure I understood. You mean, he doesnt think God created the world in seven days, or that Eve came out of Adams rib, that sort of thing?

Peter was delighted. It seems its that sort of thing exactly, which sounds very sensible. The only other things Peter said I need to know about Mike Stanford are that he went to Winchester and New College, Oxford, and his name is first on the list. And, added Peter, he has an eminently suitable wife.

You mean shes devout and full of good works? I asked.

He was surprised. No, I mean shes the daughter of the Earl of Dorchester.

Now it was my turn to be surprised. So what? I wondered. I asked him who was second on the list.

Well second is Dr Paul Harvey.

And I waited. But Peter seemed reluctant to say more.

And? I prompted him.

Well, hes an admirable man, said Peter. This was damning with praise if I ever heard it. Peter was staring at his shoes.

But? I wanted an explanation.

Peter sighed, then looked me straight in the eye. Of course, its your choice, Prime Minister. But there is a suspicion that he tends towards disestablishmentarianism.

Ah, I said knowledgeably, then realised to my embarrassment that I wasnt absolutely sure what he meant. I asked him for details.

Its the view that the Church of England shouldnt be part of the state. Some people feel it should be separate, like Methodists or Catholics. They think ordinary people feel the established church is a club for the ruling classes, not a faith.

He sounded like an awfully good chap to me, and I said so. But Peter maintained a pained silence. So I asked him what was the matter.

Well, its entirely up to you, of course, Prime Minister. But I suspect that Her Majesty might be a little surprised if you asked her to appoint a man who believes she should be made to break her Coronation vow to defence the church.

Fair enough. But then why is he on the list at all? Peter prevaricated. He explained that Harvey is not exactly a card-carrying disestablishmentarian yet. Its just the way his mind seems to be moving. But as a result of the discussions his name emerged. His health may be suspect too. Also hes getting on a bit.

One thing is clear to me: someone is bad-mouthing him! Or else he was never a suitable candidate to start with. In any case, this is not what I call a choice. Youre saying I can choose Canon Stanford or Canon Stanford, I said to Peter.

No, he replied blandly. Its entirely your decision. But in this case, may I suggest, quite an easy one. He refused to admit anything. His face was expressionless. Prime Minister, the Commission is offering you the two names which emerged.

Was there an open election? I asked.

He tut-tutted impatiently. There cant be an open election. Bishops are seen as part of the apostolic succession.

Not being a churchgoer, I asked for an explanation.

Its Gods will. When Judas Iscariot blotted his copybook he had to be replaced. They let the Holy Ghost decide.

I was mystified. How did he make his views known?

By drawing lots, said Peter.

So cant we let the Holy Ghost decide this time? I asked, looking for a way out of this awkward decision.

Peter and Bernard looked at each other. Clearly my suggestion was not on. Bernard tried to explain. No one, he said, is confident that the Holy Ghost would understand what makes a good Church of England bishop.

I asked how this choice emerged. Peter informed me enigmatically that soundings were taken.

Peter, I said with a smile. When I was a student I used to play poker. I can recognise a stacked deck when I see one.

Bernard stood up, and reminded me that I was due to meet Sir Humphrey. He suggested that Peter and I continue the discussion tomorrow. Peter looked thankful and left.

While Humphrey came in and I poured end-of-day drinks, Bernard went off to get Mike Stanfords career details, having whispered to me that appointing Mike Stanford might be a bit of an own goal.

Humphrey and I wished each other Good Health and relaxed in the comfy study armchairs. I asked him what was really meant by a Modernist.

He misunderstood, and asked me whether I was referring to Shostakovich or Marcel Duchamp. I told him that I was referring to Mike Stanford.

As I expected, he knew exactly. In the Church of England the word Modernist is code for non-believer.

An atheist? I asked with surprise.

Oh no, Prime Minister, he replied wickedly. An atheist clergyman couldnt continue to draw his stipend. So when they stop believing in God they call themselves modernists.

I was staggered. How can the Church of England recommend an atheist as Bishop of Bury St Edmunds?

Humphrey crossed his legs and sipped his drink. Very easily, he smiled. The Church of England is primarily a social organisation, not a religious one.

This was news to me. But then I dont come from a very social background.

Oh, yes, Humphrey continued knowledgeably. Its part of the rich social fabric of this country. Bishops need to be the sort of chaps who speak properly and know which knife and fork to use. They are someone to look up to.

So that, I realised, is what Peter meant by Stanford having an eminently suitable wife.

I asked Humphrey if there are no more suitable candidates. He said that there arent at the moment. Apparently there were a couple of better jobs available recently. I couldnt think what could be better than a bishop, other than a rook! But apparently the Dean of Windsor is a better job. So is the Dean of Westminster. Humphrey explained that such preferment enables one to be on intimate terms with the royals.

It was all becoming clear to me. So being a bishop, I summed up, is simply a matter of status. Dressing up in cassocks and gaiters.

Humphrey nodded. Yes, Prime Minister. Though gaiters are now worn only at significant religious events -- like the royal garden party.

I wondered why cassocks and gaiters are now out of style.

The church is trying to be more relevant, said Humphrey.

To God? I asked.

Of course not, Prime Minister. I meant relevant in sociological terms.

What he was saying, in effect, is that the ideal candidate from the Churchs point of view is a cross between a socialite and a socialist.

Bernard came back with Mike Stanfords career details. He was right. They were very instructive. After he left theological college he became Chaplain to the Bishop of Sheffield. He moved on to be the Diocesan Advisor on Ethnic Communities and Social Responsibility. He organised conferences on Inter-faith interface, and interface between Christians and Marxists, and between Christians and the Women of Greenham Common. [This was a part feminist/part lesbian encampment of anti-nuclear/pacifist/Marxist women that stationed itself illegally outside the gates of an American airbase near Newbury, where Cruise missiles were kept. Only women and children were allowed to take part in the protest, which was against nuclear weapons, America and men, possibly in the reverse order. Nuclear missiles were seen as a form of phallic symbol. The Women were regarded by Freudians as suffering from a severe case of penis envy. Expressing support, even limited support, for the Women of Greenham Common was perceived as a progressive stance Ed.] Subsequently Stanford became University Chaplain at the University of Essex, then Vice Principal of a theological college, and he is now the Secretary to the Disarmament Committee of the British Council of Churches.

There was one significant gap in his CV [curriculum vitae, i.e. the story of his life - . Has he ever been an ordinary vicar in a parish? I asked.

Bernard was surprised by the question. No, Prime Minister. Clergymen who want to be bishops try to avoid pastoral work.

Hes a high flyer, remarked Humphrey.

So was Icarus, replied Bernard mysteriously. [Icarus was the son of Daedalus. He flew too near the sun and his wings melted. Thus he put himself out of the running by his ambition, like Canon Stanford Ed.]

Anyway, I dont want him if hes a political troublemaker, I decided.

Bernard nodded wisely. What peevish fool was that of Greece who taught his son the office of a fowl. I told Bernard to stop quoting Greek at me. [Hacker was incorrect. Bernard Woolley was quoting Shakespeares Henry VI Part III Ed.]

Humphrey responded with cautious agreement to my decision. He said that Stanford would have the added nuisance value of speaking with the authority of a bishop and as a member of the Lords.

Hes exactly the sort of person I dont want, I explained. Its no good all these bishops exhorting me to spend more on welfare. You cant always solve problems by throwing money at them, especially other peoples money. What this country needs is a greater spirit of responsibility and self-reliance.

Humphrey smiled at me. Isnt it interesting how nowadays politicians talk about morals and bishops talk about politics?

Hes right. Bernard gave us an example from Stanfords career. He designed a new church in south London. On the plans there were places for dispensing orange juice, and family planning, and organizing demonstrations -- but no place for Holy Communion. He added, in all fairness, that there was a dula-purpose hall in which a service could be held.

I asked my two officials if the Church approved of this design.

Oh yes, said Humphrey. You see, the church is run by theologians.

What does that mean? I asked.

Well, he smiled, theologys a device for helping agnostics stay within the church.

Perhaps Im nave, I said, but

Perish the thought, Prime Minister, interrupted Humphrey.

Stupid flattery! Couldnt he tell it was false modesty? If course I dont think Im nave. I waved him to shut up, and continued, I think the church should be run by simple men who believe in God, not worldly politicians seeing preferment.

You could argue, said Humphrey amiably, that those who seek preferment feel that they can be of greater service to the Community in a more important job.

Thats hypocritical twaddle, I said.

He shrugged. Just as you yourself only wanted to serve your country here in Number Ten.

Suddenly I saw what he meant. Hes right. But I still dont want Stanford.

Humphrey explained to me that I can turn both candidates down, although it would be exceptional and not advised.

Even if one candidate wants to get God out of the Church of England and the other wants to get the Queen out of it?

The Queen, said Humphrey, is inseparable from the Church of England.

Is she? I asked. And what about God?

I think He is what is called an optional extra, replied my Permanent Secretary, finishing off his drink.

June 9th

An interesting development about that nurse in Qumran tonight. Theres been nothing from the Foreign Office for days. This is not really a surprise -- the Foreign Office arent there to do things, they are there to explain why things cant be done.

I was trying to explain this to Annie over dinner. She had difficulty in grasping the concept. She kept asking irrelevant questions like Dont they care?

No, I said. She had difficulty in grasping that answer.

Isnt that rather awful? she asked.

Obviously it is awful. Its doing the government a lot of damage. Yet all the Foreign Office does is shrug its shoulders and say we mustnt upset the Qumranis. The FO simply cant see beyond its narrow selfish interests, I said.

It must be ghastly for her, said Annie.

Who? I asked. Then I realised she meant that nurse. Yes, I agreed.

Annie stared at me coldly. You dont care about her any more than the Foreign Office do.

I dont think thats entirely fair. [Not entirely fair, perhaps Ed.] Annie seemed to think that just as the Foreign Office is worried about its popularity with the Arabs, Im worried about my popularity with the voters. Thats not wholly true -- but in so far as it is true, whats wrong with it? Im an elective representative -- isn't it right and proper that in a democracy I should be concerned with pleasing the electorate?

Bernard came to the flat. I was irritated. It doesnt seem possible any more to have a quiet drink with my wife without being interrupted. He was wearing his coat and was clearly on his way home.

He apologised for the intrusion, but said it was important. The Foreign Office have just rung to say that the Bishop of Banbury and the Church Missionary Society have announced that we are sending the Dean of Baillie College to Qumran on a mercy mission to plead for that nurse.

This was good news. But I couldnt see why they were sending an Oxford don. Bernard explained that the man has faith in the Arabs.

Its good to hear of a senior member of the Church of England who has faith in anything, I said. But isnt this rather a hopeless journey?

Bernard thought not. Although hes a Christian hes an expert on Islam. Its a faith to faith meeting.

I smiled, and told Bernard to tell the Foreign Office that Im happy to support the trip. Bernard shook his head vigorously. No, no, he said, actually the Foreign Office want you to stop it. Theyre furious. They say its a futile gesture and will only impair our relationships with a friendly country.

This was really too much. I had no intention of stopping it. Its an excellent idea. At the very least it will look as though were doing something about her, and it might even save her. I sent Bernard home, after he reminded me that Lambeth Palace were pressing me for a decision about Bury St Edmunds.

Annie was curious. She asked what he meant.

Ive got to decide who should be appointed to the see.

Isnt that a job for the First Lord of the Admiralty?

No, Annie, I explained patiently. Im choosing a bishop.

She laughed uproariously. You? she gasped eventually. Thats ridiculous. She wiped her eyes, weak from laughing.

I couldnt quite see what was so ridiculous about it. I know Im not religious, but religion manifestly has nothing to do with it. Im Prime Minister. Annie couldnt see why religion has nothing to do with bishops so I explained to her that they are basically managers in fancy dress.

I showed her the papers from my red box. The Church of England has over 172,000 acres of land, thousands of tenants and leaseholds, and property and investments worth a total of 1.6 billion, comprising industrial, commercial and residential property, and agricultural land and woodland. So, really, the ideal bishop is a corporate executive -- a sort of merchant banker, personnel manager and estate agent.

Annie wasnt impressed. Speaking as a churchgoer, she said, Id prefer you to choose a man of God.

I was offered one of them, I explained. But he wants to turn the Church of England into a religious movement.

I see.

The other one, the one theyre trying to force on me, is a modernist.

Annie, being a churchgoer, knew the code. You mean a Marxist or an atheist?

Both, I revealed. Nobody minds the atheist bit, apparently. But being a Marxist could cause me a lot of trouble when he starts making speeches in the Lords.

Cant you reject him? asked Annie.

Id like to. But it will look political.

Annie was confused. But havent you just been explaining that the Church is political?

I was patient. Yes, Annie, but it mustnt look it.

She considered this for a few moments. So why dont you turn him down on religious grounds?

I couldnt see what she meant exactly. She explained. Does he believe in Heaven and Hell?

Of course not, I said.

The Virgin Birth? she asked.

Nope.

The Resurrection? asked Annie.

Nope. I was beginning to see what a great idea this was.

Isnt that enough to be going on with? she enquired. Shes brilliant. Simple common sense. It suddenly became clear to me that I can do what Humphrey suggested and ask for more candidates without it looking like political discrimination. Wonderful!

What I really need, I said to Annie, is a candidate who can get along with everyone.

You mean he mustnt have strong views on anything?

Annie puts it a little cynically, but that is basically right. But there is a proviso. I think it would help if he were inclined toward Christianity. That couldnt do any real harm. So what I actually want is a sort of closet Christian.

[A few days later amid much publicity the Dean of Baillie, the Rev. Christopher Smythe, embarked on his mercy mission to Qumran. When he arrived there he dropped out of sight for three days. Suddenly he re-emerged into the full glare of publicity to announce that he had succeeded in obtaining the release of Fiona McGregor, the young British nurse held there in prison. They were expected back in England the following day. This was thrilling news in Britain, especially in view of the fact that the pound had had another bad day. Sir Richard Wharton, the Permanent Secretary of the Foreign Office, made an entry in his private diary -- which was marked Private and Strictly Confidential. The diary was found recently in a basement in Carlton Gardens Ed.]

Monday, June 12

I am profoundly shocked by todays disastrous news. Whose idea was it to send that meddling parson to Qumran?

We had the situation completely under control here. We had made our protest, the nurse would have been quietly flogged and stuffed away in some Qumrani jail, and in a couple of weeks the press would have forgotten all about it.

The upshot is that theres terrific damage to the Foreign Office. We had almost got agreement to set up a signals listening post in Qumran. We had told them we wouldnt make any more fuss about the nurse if they signed. Now we have lost our best bargaining counter.

The only good thing to have resulted from this whole silly rescue is that it has got that nurses ghastly mother off my back. Shes been phoning and writing and telling the press we werent doing enough. And incredibly, the press took her side. They have been going on about how the Foreign Office should be more patriotic. This is nonsense. Our job is to get along with other countries. People have said a lot of unpleasant things about the Foreign Office but no one has ever accused us of patriotism.

It is hard to believe that the newspapers have such abject ignorance of diplomatic realities.

Now I foresee that there will be a problem with the PM, because we advised him against letting that clergyman go out there. He will say that we were wrong to tell the Cabinet it was impossible to get the nurse released. But we were right -- if theyd left it to the Foreign Office it would have been impossible.

[The following day Sir Richard received a note from Sir Humphrey Appleby Ed.]

70 Whithall, London SW1A 2AS

From the Secretary of the Cabinet and Head of the Home Civil Service

13 June

Dear Dick,

I believe that the F.O. is about to have a P.R. problem.

The press will say that the church succeeds where the F.O. fails. They may dig out all the old clippings about ambassadors Rolls Royces, five million pound embassies, school fees at Eton subsidised by the taxpayer, and what does Britain get from it all?

What do you propose?

HA

SIR BERNARD WOOLLEY RECALLS [in conversation with the Editors]:

I was summoned to an urgent private meeting with Humphrey, shortly after that nurse was rescued from Qumran.

He knew that the Foreign Office had been against the Dean of Baillies mercy mission, and he knew that I knew.

But in order to forestall hostile press coverage of the FOs passive role in the proceedings, Sir Richard Wharton had proposed that the FO tell the press that it was Hackers initiative to send the Dean. The PM would enjoy taking the credit. (And incidentally, there would be no danger of Hacker denying a favourable story just because it was not true.)

Then for the Sunday papers, the Foreign Office would leak the idea that they had suggested this course to the PM when they found the diplomatic channels were blocked. Thus no one would get the blame and everyone would share the credit.

It was a sensible plan. As the PMs Principal Private Secretary my co-operation was needed. I gave it without hesitation.

After his meeting with Bernard Woolley, Sir Humphrey received a phone call from the Master of Baillie College. The meeting with Woolley is only referred to en passant in the diary, but there are brief notes about the phone call and about a subsequent meeting with Peter Harding, the Appointments Secretary Ed.]

Tuesday 13 June

2.30 Successful meeting with BW about FO press plans.

2.45 Master of Baillie telephoned, excited that the news of Fiona McGregors release might help our friend towards preferment.

I was able to inform him that we might not have a wait for a vacancy in another Bishopric. The battle of Bury St Edmunds is not over. My intention is to get the Dean up to the starting gate as a late entry.

3.00 Peter Harding came to discuss Bury St Edmunds. The Crown Appointments Commission is meeting tomorrow morning.

He was put out that a further candidate has to be submitted to the PM now that he has seen fit to break with tradition by insisting upon a bishop who believes in the Resurrection.

Peter promised me a possible candidate, Stephen Soames. He was regretful because Soames was being saved up for Truro. [Truro is very remote. It is to the Church what the Vehicle Licensing Centre in Swansea is to the Civil Service Ed.]

Soames has been waiting for a bishopric for years. Long time, no See? He is rather a nuisance. He keeps on about his duty to God and that sort of thing. The Church really wants him out of the way. But if the PM wants a religious bishop he is about the only candidate around.

I told Peter that there is a snag. The PM wants two more names put up to him. Actually, the PM does not yet know that he wants two more names, but he will realise it as soon as the idea has been put to him. After all, it is only right that the Prime Minister should be given the feeling that he is making a choice.

Therefore, Peter is obliged to put up a second candidate. I encouraged him to find someone plausible but unacceptable. Peter was concerned. He had only till tomorrow morning to think of yet another candidate.

I suggested the Dean of Baillie College. Peter felt he was too implausible even to be suggested, on the grounds that he is unbelievably vain and hopelessly incompetent.

I explained to Peter that the PM doesnt think its silly to appoint people who are vain and incompetent. Look at the Cabinet. Furthermore, as the Dean has just had some good publicity he must be a plausible second choice.

This made Peter more concerned. This time he was worried at the danger that the Dean might therefore get the job.

I was able to smooth ruffled feathers by telling him of the PMs stated view that a devout Christian should be appointed. As the Dean is known to believe only in Islam, the MCC and steam engines, Peter felt relaxed about making him the second name on the list.

I shall have to smooth more ruffled feathers when Hacker recommends the Dean for the bishropic. However, tomorrow is another day.

Prime Ministers envoy secures nurses release

JIMS DEAN SAVES FIONA FROM LASH

The Daily Telegraph

Imaginative diplomacy

IT DOES the Prime Minister great credit that he has not let himself be bound by the shackles of orthodox diplomacy

[Hackers diary continues Ed.]

June 14th

The morning newspapers were a triumph.

I was given full credit for it all on the news last night as well. Im not quite sure why. I suppose it must have all been my doing, really. After all, it says so in the papers. I did stop the Foreign Office from stopping the Dean, which comes to the same thing.

Still, its strange. One normally has such a battle in public life to get the proper credit for anything good one has achieved. Yet here the glorys being handed to me on a plate, when my role in it was peripheral to say the least.

Anyway, theres no point in asking for corrections when the story has come out so thoroughly to my advantage. I suppose I should count my blessings.

I had a final meeting first thing this morning, to discuss the vacant bishopric. Apparently the Palace is now waiting. When Humphrey and Bernard came in, though, I first asked why -- in their opinion -- the Foreign Office press office gave me the credit for the rescue.

Humphrey took the view that they couldnt take any credit themselves because of their protest. But by giving me the credit, it looks like a government achievement instead of a church achievement.

I suppose that must be it! The first sentence of the Telegraph leader reinforces that view.

We moved on to the question of the new Bishop of Bury St Edmunds. I was initially in favour of Stephen Soames. Peter likes him too. And although the Dean of Baillie did a pretty good job in Qumran he is said to be fairly eccentric. In fact, Ive heard hes barking mad. But when I asked for Humphreys opinion, his response really frightened me. Im sure Soames is the choice the Crown Commissioners are hoping youll make, Prime Minister.

An ominous warning sign. Peter hasnt been levelling with me. I asked Humphrey what the problem is with Soames.

Ive heard it said that hes an extremist.

What, I wondered, is extremist the code word for. You mean that he believes in God? I was groping wildly.

Bernard tried to explain. Hes very religious, Prime Minister.

I was still groping. Thats all right for a bishop, isnt it?

Well yes and no, said Humphrey carefully. He tends to raise issues that governments often would prefer not to be raised. He is a trenchant critic of abortion, contraception for the under-sixteens, sex education, pornography, Sunday trading, easy divorce and bad language on television.

Quite a catalogue. This is serious. I dont want some loud-mouth, self-righteous cleric challenging the government on all these subjects.

It wouldnt be so bad if we had a policy about any of them. But they are all matters about which the government is trying to avoid having a policy. Our policy is not to have a policy.

I went over this with Humphrey. Quite, he replied. He is against your no policy policy.

Bernard, presumably in the interests of clarity, piped up. He would demand that you ban abortion, Sunday trading, contraception for the under-sixteens, sex education

Thank you, Bernard, Ive got the gist, I said.

Humphrey said he had more bad news about Soames. Hes also against oppression and persecution in Africa.

I saw no problem with that. So are we.

Yes, he agreed. But Soames is against it when practised by black governments as well as white ones.

So hes a racist! [This curious leap in logic is explained by the fact that Hacker had been a Guardian reader when in opposition Ed.]

I really didnt know what to do. Sympathetically, Humphrey murmured that I could still choose Soames if I wanted to. Obviously I didnt want to -- but how could I turn down another two names?

So we looked again at the Dean of Baillie. I listed the arguments against him. Hes not really up to it. Hes said to be lazy, vain, and totally uninterested in Christianity.

Yes, said Humphrey, but hes not against it! I think hed make a thoroughly suitable British bishop -- cricket, steam engines, and a complete ignorance of theology. Theology can seriously damage your faith.

My problem was that he was basically unqualified. The submission said that he has never done a real church job. Hes spent his whole life in Oxford. On the other hand, he did very well in Qumran, and so his appointment might be a very popular choice with the voters.

Then Humphrey dropped a bombshell. There is a problem, he said. I gather that he is telling the press that the Qumran visit wasnt your idea. I gather he has a letter from the Bishop of Banbury dated some time before your involvement.

This was dreadful news! It would be an incredible embarrassment. It would look as if I were trying to take the credit for something I didnt do! I can just imagine the headlines. PRIME MINISTER TAKES CREDIT FOR DEANS MERCY MISSION. Or JIM DIDNT FIX IT!

So the question was, how could we stop the Dean from making this embarrassing revelation? It seemed, according to Humphreys information, that the Dean is peeved because he felt that he hasnt been given enough recognition for his role in Qumran. Or the Church hasnt. Or something!

On the face of it, there was an easy answer. I told Bernard to invite the Dean here for drinks this evening. Itll be a very nice photo opportunity for the press, too.

Humphrey, however, said that this would be improper: whilst I am considering two candidates for the vacancy in Bury St Edmunds I can hardly, in his view, invite just one of them here for drinks.

I saw his point. But I had to do something to stop him blabbing to the press.

Then Humphrey, thank God, had a brainwave. If you had already given him the job, then it would be perfectly proper.

And then, the more I thought about it, the more I began to feel that the Dean might be rather a good choice of bishop. After all, he is an enterprising chap. And, as I explained to Bernard, eccentricity can be a virtue: you just call it individualism.

Bernard agreed wholeheartedly. Its one of those irregular verbs, isnt it? I have an independent mind, you are eccentric, he is round the twist?

We discussed it further, and agreed that we need people in the House of Lords who understand the Arab world. And cricket. And steam engines. So, after mature consideration, I made the Rev. Christopher Smythe, Dean of Baillie College, Oxford, my choice. I told Bernard to convey my recommendation to the Palace, fast! I wanted the appointment announced by lunchtime, the Dean informed at once, and I wanted him round here for drinks, with a photographer, by six oclock this evening.

And thats what happened. The crisis was averted. We have a new Bishop of Bury St Edmunds, the nurse was freed from Qumran, and I got the credit all round.

Humphrey was delighted too. He told me that the appointment of the Dean was an act of wisdom. In fact, he was so pleased that I began to wonder why.

I suddenly remembered that Baillie was Humphreys old college. Perhaps that was why he knew so much about the Dean and why he was so pleased. So I asked him if this was another case of jobs for the boys.

He denied it indignantly. On the contrary, Prime Minister. I hardly know him. In fact, I know he dislikes me. You can ask him this evening, if you like. I dont like him much either.

So you have nothing to gain from this appointment?

How could I have? he asked.

I couldnt see how. But it all seemed a little coincidental. So while we were having our photos taken by the press in front of the fireplace in the White Sitting Room, I asked the Dean if he liked Humphrey Appleby. Cant stand him, quite frankly, the Dean whispered to me. I think hes smug.

So Humphrey was telling the truth. I am really very grateful to him, for giving me helpful, impartial advice in the best traditions of the Civil Service.