The Last Word

Twenty-two

In the morning he cried, ‘Why have they put floodlights outside the window?’

‘Er. . shut up. It’s called the sun,’ she said. ‘Are you ill?’

‘Julia, I’m going to give all this up and go back to London.’

‘You’re going to Liana now.’

‘I can’t face either of them. I can’t face anything.’

She pulled him out of bed, filled him with food, and got him into his car, giving him instructions all the while; he nodded and shook his head silently. She ensured he was back at the house and in the kitchen hunting for haddock, and running up a Bloody Mary to accompany the Arnold Bennett, before Liana finally made her entrance in a satin dressing gown.

As she stood there, taking in the day, feeling out her head with her fingers and deciding to be jaunty, he dashed across the kitchen to lay her favourite breakfast in front of her.

‘Here, Liana darling.’

‘Ciao bello, you sweetie, this is too lovely, thanks. How did you know where to find this fish? What a treat.’

‘And here — for you.’

‘What is it?’

‘Some of those things you asked for.’

He handed her a saucer of pills. There had been a jar full of Es in Julia’s bedroom, as well as some hash, and a bag of mushrooms. She’d told him to take something for Liana. He was kind; he’d taken a lot.

All night he’d been persecuted by the ghost of Mamoon’s words, coming at him in sinister whispers: over-educated but mediocre, worthless, parasitic. .

‘You can be a fine boy,’ said Liana, dropping them into the pocket of her dressing gown.

‘A caress from nirvana,’ he said. ‘But how can Mamoon resist you when you wear that cream silk dressing gown, and pyjamas with high heels? Even I—’

‘Shut it, this early, and take your sunglasses off in here! Are you straight with me or any woman? Do you let any of them in? I don’t think you’re an idiot, just difficult, evasive, and probably a fraud. Darling, give me a little morning kiss on the lips.’

‘Please, Liana, you smell of fish, and I’ve got a problem that only a diplomat like you can help me with. The day has come — I’ve been fired.’

‘Who by?’

‘Your husband. Last night he chased me with his stick. He was a little, let’s say, agitated by the Marion material.’

‘So was I.’

‘Do I leave then?’

‘Why not?’

‘Okay. I’ll get my things.’

She said, ‘Not that I believed a word of that filth. Did you? The puttana made it all up for revenge and publicity. Can you imagine for a moment him behaving like that? The British public are decent and will understand. It was obvious he would fall out with you.’

‘Doesn’t he ensure a fatal fight with everyone? Particularly the women.’

‘Not with me,’ she said. ‘I’m the boss here, tesoro, don’t worry.’

‘I’ll ring Alice and give her the news that you will help,’ he said. ‘She’s at home fretting about me.’

‘She is delicate, we must take care of her. But doesn’t it worry you,’ Liana said, ‘and don’t take this the wrong way — that she doesn’t find you at all amusing?’

‘Thanks for that, Liana.’

‘You are very funny, you know.’ She looked at him, and said, ‘As for Mamoon, never ignore him, and never listen to him. You go to work, and I’ll speak to him at exactly the right time.’ She winked. ‘Observe the masterly way I shoot for his G-spot. It’s like feeding a lion while keeping your fingers.’

Mamoon came in, with a dressing on his forehead. If Harry had wondered whether Mamoon would remember last night’s threat, he needn’t have worried.

Mamoon scowled, and said with a ferocity Harry had yet to become accustomed to, ‘My spine aches the entire time, I can’t see a foot in front of my face and I’m dizzy. My knee feels like an envelope full of broken glass and my penis is like a chloroformed slug—’

‘Are you constipated? Have you had the dream again?’ asked Liana.

‘I am facing this urchin in my kitchen.’ He jabbed at Harry and said, ‘I rang Rob and ordered that you must stand out of my sunshine, sunshine.’

‘No, Mamoon.’ Liana pointed the washing-up brush at him, and then flicked it, as she did with the cats when they jumped on the table. ‘Idiot or not, we’ve given him this damn job and he has to complete the paperwork. Your tantrums are ridiculous and interfering.’

‘This serpent, the woodworm, insulted me.’

‘How?’

‘He made allegations against my honour.’

‘Are you finally saying they’re absolutely and completely wrong?’

‘Liana, I’ve told you, he’s beyond a pest.’

‘He is. Even Alice has absolutely confirmed the woodworm is a blood-boiler. But he stays.’

‘Why defend a fake who actually hasn’t written a word? I think you like him a bit too much.’

‘Too much for what?’

‘It’s repulsive in a woman of your age. You resemble a mutton chop.’

She started to laugh. ‘Eat me then!’

‘Shut up.’

‘Watch it.’ She repointed the brush in his direction.

Harry wouldn’t have wanted that brush pointed at him, and could see that a younger Mamoon, at this point, could become mightily annoyed and cranky. He appeared to be looking about for something handy to heave in her direction. Then his breathing slowed, he closed his eyes and caressed his battered forehead.

‘Remove him for ever from my sight.’

She said, ‘We made a decision, you and I together, and we should follow it through without this mad fatwa against him. Otherwise I won’t feed you.’ She picked up the saucepan from the Aga and walked to the bin. ‘Dal makhani, your favourite. And your paneer — say bye bye, paneer.’

‘Liana—’

‘And you love my salty raita. It was going to be followed by apple crumble and cream. Choose now — food or mood.’

‘Food or mood? Don’t throw that away! I choose food.’ He was hurriedly tucking his napkin into the neck of his shirt. ‘Will there be tomatoes? I love how you cooked them last time.’

‘Did you?’ she said, winking at Harry. She went and kissed Mamoon, sliding her hand down the front of his shirt. ‘Did you like that, habibi, my love?’

‘It might be more tasty if you cooked everything that way.’

‘I will do it like that — if you make me.’

‘One more thing.’ He thrust his finger at Harry. ‘Where is Alice?’

‘Why?’ asked Liana.

‘She has calming hands,’ he said.

Liana rolled her hands over Mamoon’s belly. ‘Don’t I?’

‘She’s professional.’

‘I’ll do what I can,’ said Harry.

‘Looks like you’ve been given a last chance,’ said Liana. ‘You’d better get that book done. Soon we will read some of it. And we had better like it. .’