The Paris Wife

THIRTY-FIVE

February in Schruns was a small kind of hell. Outside, the weather raged or flailed. Inside, things weren’t much better because the stuffing of life had gone to Paris and then to New York, and I was alone with my doubts.

The night before Ernest left, I had helped him pack, but the mood was tense.

“You could come as far as Le Havre if you like, and see me off there.”

“It’s too hard with the baby on the train.”

“So leave him here with Tiddy. It’s only for a few days.”

“Maybe,” I said, but I already knew I wouldn’t do it because it wouldn’t solve anything. It wouldn’t dispel my worries that a wedge was growing between us, that he’d stopped listening to and trusting my voice, and it couldn’t soothe my anxieties about the way he was turning toward Pauline. He was attracted to her, that was obvious, but I didn’t really believe he would act on it. He hadn’t with Duff, and she hadn’t been anywhere near as ingrained in our life. Pauline was my friend. He wouldn’t ruin that and neither would she. Her letters had arrived nearly every day since we put her on the train back to Paris. They were always addressed to us both, her two great pets, as she liked to say, her cherishables. Her tone was exuberant and inclusive and untroubled-like Pauline herself-and reading them made me feel better. It also helped to remind myself that she wanted sweeping romance, the kind in great literature. She wouldn’t settle for tawdry. It wasn’t her style.

“You’ll see Pauline in Paris, of course,” I said as Ernest put the last of his things into the suitcase.

“If there’s time. She’s very busy now with the spring fashion shows and there are lots of other friends to see. You won’t come then?”

“No, I think I’m better off here.”

“Suit yourself,” he said, and closed the case with a click.

Ernest was on the high seas for ten days, out of reach. During that time, Bumby and I kept to our routine as much as possible because it made me feel more grounded and stable. We ate the very same things at the same times. We went to bed early and rose early. In the afternoons I walked in the village or wrote letters while Tiddy cared for him. Most mornings I rehearsed a Bach-Busoni chaconne until I thought my fingers would fall off. It was for the concert, which I’d finally decided to act on. Ernest’s absence and my growing fears helped me see that I needed it more than ever. I wrote a letter to the house manager of the Salle Pleyel, a small concert hall on the rue Rochechouart, expressing my interest in performing there, as well as giving details of my background and connections. I waited for a response with trepidation, but I needn’t have. He wrote back quickly and graciously, setting a date for the thirtieth of May. The details would be settled when I returned to Paris in early April.

When Ernest finally wrote, I learned he’d headed right for Horace Liveright’s office on landing in New York. The meeting had gone well. Liveright had been civil, and everything had ended on a pleasant enough note. They were holding no grudges and, what was more, Maxwell Perkins thought Torrents was “a grand book.” He’d offered a fifteen-hundred-dollar advance against the royalties of it and the new book, which Ernest had newly titled The Sun Also Rises, as a package, which was more money than we’d ever heard of anyone getting. He was set to leave New York at the end of the week, but changed his mind at the last minute to extend his stay. He was on top of the world, after all, and there were so many interesting people around. He met Robert Benchley and Dorothy Parker and Elinor Wylie, and everything was as good as could be. Why would he rush back?

Meanwhile, the weather in Schruns had evened out. We had three feet of new snow, and in an effort to keep myself from going crazy with waiting, I skied and hiked until my legs felt stronger than ever, and my lungs hardly burned with the altitude. Up above the town, I could look down and see the hotel, in miniature. From that distance, I could cup it in my palm, but it also seemed solid and reliable. Of all the places Ernest and I had been together, this was where I felt safest and strongest. If I had to brave out weeks of uncertainty, I was glad it was here.

Ernest stayed in New York for three weeks altogether, and then there were ten more days at sea. His ship landed at Le Havre in early March, but he didn’t come back to Schruns immediately. There were friends to see in Paris. He was able to catch Scott and Zelda for a very nice lunch before they headed off to Nice for the spring. He saw Gerald and Sara Murphy and the MacLeishes and Pauline, too, of course. He took care of the banking that needed to be done and saw to the apartment, and the days passed. When he finally arrived, on a day shot through with bright sunlight, Bumby and I met him at the train.

“Look at you, wife,” he said when he met us on the platform. “You’re so fine and tan and lovely.”

I smiled and kissed him.

“And look at those woodchuck cheeks, Mr. Bumby,” he said. “I must say I have the most beautiful family. What great luck.”

All through dinner he was full of exciting stories about New York. It wasn’t until we were in bed that I told him about the concert at Salle Pleyel, and he was nearly as excited for me as I had been for myself.

“I’ve always wanted this for you, Tatie. To have music in your life just like you did back home. For it to matter that much.” He ran his hands through my hair, which was growing out wildly and had become quite blond with all the sunshine. “I didn’t know how much I missed you until I saw you today.”

“Didn’t you?”

“There’s something about coming home that reminds you of what you have.”

“I missed you the whole while.”

“That’s nice, too,” he said. “It’s all nice.”

I kissed him, and then lay down in the featherbed and watched him fall asleep. His eyes relaxed completely and showed no lines around them and no tiredness. He was like a boy when he slept well. I could see the child he used to be under the man, and I loved them both, simply and completely and irreversibly. I tucked myself beneath his arm, and felt his breath moving in and out, and let myself sleep.

In March, the avalanches came disastrously to Schruns. Herr Lent was leading a party of Germans when the first loss came. There’d been so much sun, conditions were dangerous, and although Lent had told the Germans not to come, they came anyway and insisted on skiing whether he led them or not. So he took them to the soundest slope he knew and crossed it himself, first, to be sure. They came across as a group, thirteen of them reaching the center of the slope just as the hillside came down in a crushing slide, burying all thirteen. By the time a rescue party arrived to dig them out, nine were dead.

When Lent and his pretty assistant Fräulein Glaser came to spend an evening with us at the Taube, we heard the whole thing firsthand.

“One man got caught in heavy snow, old snow, especially wet and deep,” Lent said. “We didn’t find him for two days. The rescuers dug and dug, and when he finally turned up it was his blood that had made an easy trail for us to follow. He’d nearly twisted his head off trying to find a way to breathe.”

“Right to the bone,” Fräulein Glaser added. She was so fresh and lovely with her tightly knotted hair and tanned brown face that it was almost a shock to hear such horrible details coming from her. “There was another man, years ago, killed in a powder-snow avalanche. He’d been turning to wave to his friend, and both of them died while waving, smiling.”

“I can’t believe the part about them smiling,” I said.

“I can,” Ernest said. The fire crackled and snapped and we all went quiet for a time. “Maybe it’s like bullfighting or anything else,” he finally said, staring into his cup of mulled wine. “Maybe you can learn the avalanche, versing yourself on the conditions and what sets them off and how to survive in one if you’re taken away.”

“Perhaps,” Lent said. “You might improve your chances, in any case, but it would never stop being dangerous.”

“Do you think we’ll get up again this season?” Ernest asked.

“Unlikely,” Lent said. “And if you could talk someone into taking you up the mountain, it wouldn’t be me. I couldn’t live with myself if something happened a second time.”

Fräulein Glaser nodded compassionately, but Ernest didn’t seem the least bit chastened by Lent’s experience. He was still thinking about how it might be done. I could tell by the spark in his eyes that any challenge set off. He wanted to test his skill and his fear, too, just as I was thinking, Men have died. We shouldn’t be here at all.

Because Lent remained adamant about our not skiing, we were happy to get a letter from Dos Passos, near the end of March, saying he was coming by for a visit with the Murphys. When they arrived, being at Schruns was like being anywhere with the very rich. It was an incomparable party at all hours of the day, and everyone was jolly.

“I love your little hideaway,” Sara Murphy said when she came to breakfast in new and absolutely pristine ski clothes even though the skiing was nil.

“It’s the best place around,” I agreed.

“But not hidden any longer,” Ernest said with a snide smile.

Ernest was often quick to complain about the Murphys’ unending good taste and loads of ready cash. He had more patience with Sara, because she was so beautiful and gave us all something nice to look at. Gerald was trickier. He was too polished for Ernest, too refined. His clothes were perfect and he spoke so well, one couldn’t help but feel he’d built himself from the ground up into a creature that was only elegance, only charm. But he also seemed strangely determined to do whatever it took to impress Ernest and gain his friendship and approval. We couldn’t reach the slopes, but Ernest gave Gerald skiing lessons on the hill behind the Taube, and it was here Gerald began to call Ernest “Papa” because he was the seasoned teacher and loved that role. He said, “Show me again how to cut that turn at the bottom of the slope, Papa. That was a beauty.”

Ernest remained wary. “They could buy the whole stinking Riviera if they chose,” he said in bed one night. “And they’d people it with lots of interesting specimens to entertain them at all hours, like us. We’re all monkeys for the organ grinder, and Dos is the worst. He hasn’t got any spleen left at all, he works so hard to keep them.”

“But some of it’s nice, and they’re very generous, aren’t they?”

“Here’s my good and true wife again. Would it kill you to agree with me once?”

“Would it kill you to see the good in them? They admire you to no end.”

“The very rich only admire themselves.”

We lay still for some moments and in the silence I could hear Bumby’s dry cough in the next room. The older he grew, the less often he woke in the night, and we didn’t bother employing Tiddy now except by day. But as I listened to the cough build, I thought that it might be nice to have her there, for moments like this one.

“Are you going to get that?” Ernest said. “You wouldn’t want him to wake our good and generous guests.”

“Do you have to be such a perfect ass?” I said, getting up tiredly and reaching for my robe.

“I do, yes. It keeps me in shape.” He rolled over and made a big show of getting comfortable for sleep while I went in to mind the baby, who wasn’t really even awake. He coughed with his eyes closed, still dreaming, and when the spell finally settled, he seemed perfectly well and breathed deeply. When I went back to bed, I crawled in quietly thinking Ernest would already be asleep, but he wasn’t.

“I’m sorry I’m such a crotchety shit,” he said in the dark. “You’ve always been the better guy.”

“I’m not,” I said and turned to face him. “We’re the same guy, aren’t we?”

“Sure,” he said, and he tousled my hair and kissed me on the nose. “Good night, Tatie.”

“Good night, Tatie,” I said back.