The Rivers of Zadaa

JOURNAL #20
(CONTINUED)
ZADAA

Thefirst thing I saw was Loor.

I had opened my eyes a crack. Only a crack. That’s as far as they’d go. I guess it was because they were swollen from the pummeling I’d gotten. But I didn’t have to open them far to recognize Loor. She was sitting close, looking at me. The expression on her face didn’t change when I opened my eyes. I think that’s because my eyes didn’t open far enough to even look like they were open. But I could see her, and she looked fine. And worried.

“How long?” I asked, though I have no idea what it sounded like because my mouth felt about as dry as that sand farm where we met the Tiggen guards. When she heard me croak, Loor snapped to attention and came to my side. She knelt down near my head, which made me realize I was in bed and not still lying in the Ghee compound.

“Pendragon!” she exclaimed. “I was afraid you would never wake up!” There was true feeling in her voice. She sounded worried, relieved, concerned… all those good emotions I wasn’t sure she actually had in her. At least as they applied to me, anyway. It made me feel much better. Okay, maybe notmuchbetter since I was a swollen mass of throbbing pain. But I figured I should take the good stuff where I could get it.

“Water?” I asked, and immediately realized I had just asked for the one thing it was probably impossible to give. But I got it. Loor held a cup to my mouth, and I took a sip. It felt good on my lips, and in my mouth, but I coughed when I tried to swallow and blew most of it back out again. What a waste of an eighth of an ounce of liquid gold.

“Oops” was all I could say, lamely.

“Again,” Loor ordered and gave me another sip.

I was in more control this time and was able to take a sip and swallow. The water helped to lubricate things a little, so I was able to speak without sounding like Frankenstein’s monster.

“How long?” I asked again.

“Since the fight?” Loor asked.

I nodded. It hurt to nod. I was about to find out that doing a lot of things was going to hurt. Including breathing, eating, moving…pretty much everything including blinking. Yes, it even hurt to blink.

“You have been asleep for twelve suns,” Loor answered.

Twelve suns. The days on Zadaa were around twenty-four hours long, as far as I could tell. That meant I had been unconscious for nearly two weeks, give or take a sun. I think Loor must have seen the surprise on my face because she quickly said, “You were given herbs to help you sleep, and heal.”

Oh. So I had been drugged for nearly two weeks. I guessed that was better than being in a coma from having been beaten into mush. I was slowly focusing, which wasn’t such a hot thing. My mind was coming around, but that meant I was becoming more aware of the sad and painful shape I was in.

Everything hurt. Everything. Except my toes. My toes were cool. Woo-hoo! I thought of asking for a little bit more of that herb she had mentioned so I could slip back into dreamland, but decided I should stick around in reality for a while. Looking around, I saw that we were in a small room with stone walls. It looked very much like Loor’s home in the Ghee pyramid, but there wasn’t much in here except for the bed with the grass mattress that I was lying on, a stone chair where Loor had been sitting, and a low table that had some cups on it. Loor must have seen that I was trying to get my bearings because she said, “This is where the Batu care for the sick and injured.”

I was in the Batu hospital. It looked straight out ofThe Flintstones. I wondered if some goofy pelican would show up and deliver my medication. I know, dumb thought, but give me a break. I was hurting, and drugged.

“Saint Dane?” I whispered.

“Gone,” was Loor’s answer. “I asked many of the Ghee if they knew him, but nobody had ever seen him before. I believe Saint Dane turned himself into a Ghee warrior solely to…to-“

“To beat me into jelly,” I said, putting it bluntly.

“I am ashamed that I could not help you, Pendragon,” Loor said, dropping her head in embarrassment.

“Don’t be,” I croaked. “There was nothing you could do. I know that.”

She nodded like she knew it too, but she was definitely feeling bad about the whole thing. Maybe not as bad as I felt just then, but bad just the same.

“We will avenge you,” she said with venom. “Of that, I swear.”

“Yeah, maybe,” I said. “But that might be what he wants. Everything he does is about pushing us into doing things that help him. He may have beat me up just to get you to go after him. We can’t fall into that trap.”

Loor nodded again, and took my hand. I nearly screamed. It was the same hand I had thrown up to deflect Saint Dane’s killer blow. He must have broken bones. But you know, I didn’t stop her. It was a rare event when Loor showed me a sign of affection. I wasn’t going to let a little thing like searing pain from broken bones stop her. I tried to squeeze her hand back, but I didn’t have much of a grip.

“You are being cared for by the finest doctor in Xhaxhu,” she assured me.

“Don’t they hate Rokadors?” I asked.

“Not when the prince of Zinj himself orders that you be cared for,” Loor answered proudly. “There have been two Ghee warriors guarding your room since you arrived. You are safe here.”

“I like that guy,” I said, stating the obvious. “What’s his name again? Payday something-or-other?”

“Pelle a Zinj,” she said. “I believe he holds the future of Xhaxhu, and Zadaa, in his hands. He is a man of peace; that is why he stopped the…the fight.”

“It wasn’t a fight,” I said. “It was a slaughter.”

Loor didn’t comment. “You will heal,” she said. “And we will return to our mission.”

Our mission. Right. That mission had taken a strange turn.

“Saint Dane totally lost it,” I said. “He wanted to kill me. It didn’t seem like an act or anything. If it weren’t for that prince guy, he would have.”

“I agree,” Loor said. “His rage consumed him.”

I pulled my hand away from Loor’s. Affection or not, it hurt.

“Maybe that means he’s getting desperate,” I said. “We may be closer to beating him than we think.”

“If only that were true,” Loor lamented.

“There’s something else,” I said. “When Saint Dane was at his worst, he said something strange. He said that this is what the future holds for me, and those like me. He said it was a promise he made, and he was going to keep it. What kind of promise is that? And who did he make it to?”

Loor frowned. “Saint Dane has always brought pain and suffering. But to know he made someone a promise to do so is…troubling.”

“Yeah, troubling,” I said. “That’s one way of putting it. I’d say it’s freaking scary. Could there be somebody else out there who Saint Dane answers to?”

We let that question hang in the air. The possibility was far too horrifying to even think about.

“Whatever the answer is,” Loor said, “we will not find it until you are well. You must rest. She backed away from me and sat down in the chair.

“Go home,” I said. “As long as there are guards outside, I’ll be fine.”

“Either Saangi or I have been by your side from the time you were brought here,” Loor said. “We will be here until you walk out with us.”

Wow. Loor and Saangi had been watching over me. That’s a strange thing to hear. I hoped I didn’t drool in my sleep. I was grateful, of course. But I wasn’t sure why they did it. Was it because I was the lead Traveler, and they needed me in the battle against Saint Dane? Or did Loor have deeper feelings than that? As I lay there, watching Loor sitting up straight in the chair, I remembered back to the first time I met her on Denduron. She thought I was useless. It bothered me because nobody likes to be seen as a loser, but I had no idea how to prove her wrong. She was self-confident to the point of arrogance, with the ability to cut through all the junk to see the truth in most any situation. I, on the other hand, was totally freaked out about being yanked away from home. I spent most of my time in a frightened and confused haze. Her confidence gave me strength and clarity. Together we saved Denduron.

I’ve grown up a lot since then, but in many ways I still feel like the scared kid who left home on the back of Uncle Press’s motorcycle. Loor, on the other hand, is a rock. Since Denduron I’d often asked for her help, and she always came through. Now the fight had come to Zadaa. Her home. This time, she needed my help. As I lay on that bed, numb from pain and starting to drift off to sleep again, I swore to myself that no matter what happened from here on, I would not let her down.

I’m not exactly sure how much time I spent in that Batu hospital. If I were to guess, I’d say it was about a month. Medical care on Zadaa wasn’t exactly like what we have on Second Earth. There were no thermometers or blood tests or intravenous drips or anything like we have in our hospitals at home. Medicine was limited to some foul-tasting liquids that I had to drink every couple of hours. This guy would come in who I assumed was a doctor. He’d put his hands on my head and on my arm as if he could “sense” what was wrong with me, and then give me a different concoction to choke down. It all seemed so bogus, except for the fact that I gradually began to feel better.

Like I said, at first I couldn’t even move. Every part of my body was swollen and sore. Even my face. I had been healing for a month before I even realized this! Rolling over in bed was a major challenge, but this doctor guy kept insisting that I move. He was relentless, saying that the only way I would heal was to move. I wanted to slug him. I think I would have, if I had been able to lift my arms and make a fist, that is. But that wasn’t going to happen. If I could have done some damage on the guy with my toes, I would have.

I think I would have argued more with him, if Loor or Saangi hadn’t been there watching. I didn’t want to look like a wuss in front of them. But man, I was in pain. It was like medieval physical therapy, with the only reward for all the hard work being some drink that made Listerine taste like sniggers. At first he just had me roll over in bed. Then he got me to sit up, then stand. That was a tough one. My legs were so weak they wouldn’t even hold my weight at first. But my strength returned pretty quick. I think the only broken bones I had were in my left hand, the one I deflected the weapon with. Maybe a couple of ribs, too. I didn’t know for sure because there was no such thing as an X-ray machine. But if pain was any indicator, bones were broken. They had my arm wrapped pretty tight with cloth to keep my wrist from moving. I probably had a concussion, too. That’s how bad the headaches were. And the dizziness.

As the days went by, the headaches got less intense and the room stopped spinning. I guess I don’t have to say that I had never gone through anything like that before, so it’s hard to say how well I was doing. But it seemed to me that after the massive beating I took, I was healing pretty quickly.

The big day finally came that I could walk out of the room and into the corridor. But that was only half of what made it such a big day. The doctor was on my left and Loor on my right, in case I took a header. With all this support, I took my first tentative steps out of the room. I felt like the Tin Woodsman inThe Wizard of Ozbefore they oiled him up. Everything was creaky and stiff. But I knew I had to work through it, so I shuffled out. The hallway stretched out to either side of my door, with rooms spaced every few yards…just like a hospital at home. Nothing special. But man, I was happy to see something other than the four walls of that room. The next thing I saw were two, huge Ghee guards standing on either side of my door, just as Loor had said.

“Hi, guys,” I said, all friendly.

Neither answered or even looked at me. They may have been assigned to protect a Rokador, but they didn’t have to like it. I decided not to push it. I took one more step, when suddenly the two guards knelt down on their knees and dropped their heads. For a second I thought they were being all respectful toward me. But then the doctor and Loor did the same thing.

“Uhh, what’s the deal?” I asked, confused.

A second later I got my answer. Walking boldly down the corridor toward us was an impressive sight. It was a group of men led by Pelle a Zinj, the crown prince of Xhaxhu. He was wearing the same ornate clothing he had worn on the day he saved me, along with a purple cape that trailed behind. He was followed by a couple of other royal-looking types, along with two Ghee warriors. It was a royal entourage, and I was standing in their way.

“On your knees,” one of the Ghee guards growled in a whisper.

I wanted to kneel down, but my body wouldn’t let me. So I stood there kind of hunched over and bowed my head. It was the best he was going to get.

Pelle spotted me and broke into a big smile. “You are walking!” he said with a friendly bellow. “I am so happy to see that.”

I then realized he was coming to see me! “Forgive me, I can’t kneel,” I said while keeping my eyes on the ground.

“There is no need, my friend,” Pelle said. “Everyone, please rise.” Everybody else got back to their feet, but kept their heads down in deference to their prince.

“What is your name?” the prince asked me.

“Pendragon,” I answered.

“Pendragon,” Pelle repeated, as if trying it on for size. “A unique Rokador name.”

I shrugged. What was I going to say?

Pelle continued, “Pendragon, I have come here today on behalf of all Batu to apologize for the horrible crime that was committed against you.”

I saw the two Ghee guards shoot him a quick look, as if they couldn’t believe he was apologizing to a Rokador.

“I know there is tension between our people. That cannot be denied. But seeing the depths to which we have sunk, sickens me. Rest assured that we will hunt down the rogue Ghee who did this to you. He will be punished.”

I was a hair away from telling him not to bother. He hadn’t seen a Batu beating up on a Rokador, but two Travelers from distant territories going at it. He wasn’t going to have a whole lot of luck tracking down Saint Dane. I decided not to set him straight.

“Once you are well, and return to your people, please tell the Rokador elite that I plan on doing everything in my power to resolve our differences, and bring back the balance and mutual trust that the Rokador and Batu have enjoyed for generations. Nothing else has more importance to me. That is a promise.”

I didn’t want to say anything that would tip him off to the fact that I wasn’t a Rokador and didn’t know anybody down below, elite or not.

“Thank you your, uh, Your Majesty,” I said with bowed head. I glanced to Loor, who gave me a slight nod. “Your Majesty” was the right title.

“I will gladly do as you request,” I said, totally winging it. “I believe your sincerity not only because you saved my life, but because you have been so gracious in making sure I have been cared for during my recovery. I am forever in your debt. Thank you.”

I figured that was about as generic a reply as I could give. Besides, it was the truth. He did save my life.

“These are difficult times,” Pelle said. “Our only hope of survival is by restoring the atmosphere of cooperation, and trust. Our two great tribes will either survive together, or perish separately.”

I nodded. Wise words. I hoped there were enough Batu who thought the same way he did.

“Now, I will leave you to rest,” Pelle said. “And extend an invitation. The Festival of Azhra is upcoming. I would like to invite you, Pendragon, to be my guest for the celebration.”

“I’d be honored, Your Majesty,” I answered.

“Wonderful!” he exclaimed. “Now all you must do is mend. Are they treating you well here?”

“No complaints,” I said.

“Then best of luck with your recovery.” He looked to the doctor and added, “Take care of him.”

The doctor bowed and said, “Like he was my own son, Majesty.”

Pelle gave me a quick smile and a nod, then turned and hurried off. The Ghee guards, along with Loor and the doctor, did a quick kneel again. Once the royal entourage was gone, everybody stood up. I could feel the dark looks being shot at me by the Ghee warriors.

“I guess I’m going to a festival,” I said to Loor.

“You should be honored,” she said. “The Festival of Azhra is the most joyous of all days for the Batu. It celebrates the ancient king, Azhra, who fought his way through the desert and tamed this oasis to create a home for the Batu…the city of Xhaxhu.”

“Sounds like a party,” I said. “Now all I have to do is walk.”

From that point on my recovery went pretty quickly. Once I started moving, each day I felt a little better. Pain is a weird thing: When you’ve got it, you know it-but you don’t really know the moment it stops. It’s kind of like, afterward you realize: “Hey, it doesn’t hurt to breathe anymore. Or walk. Or blink.” Little by little I was getting back to normal.

Every day Loor or Saangi were by my side. They were my guardian angels. They even slept next to my bed. The doctor was kind enough to bring in a grass mattress for them to sleep on. I kept telling them to go home, but neither listened. To be honest, I’m glad they didn’t. Not only did they help with the therapy and exercises, they ran interference for me whenever I ran into another Batu in the hallways. Which was often. The Batu would first act all surprised that a Rokador would dare be in their hospital, like I was bringing in disease or something. Then some would start yelling at me to get out. Loor always stood up to them, saying how I was a guest of Prince Pelle a Zinj. That would instantly make the Batu back off. It also didn’t hurt that Loor looked like she was ready to rip their faces off if they messed with me.

That’s not to say that every Batu hated my guts. Some were actually nice. I got into a lot of conversations about how they wished things could go back to the old ways, when the Rokador and the Batu lived in harmony. I guess what I was experiencing was the divide between the Batu. Half hated the Rokador and wanted to march down to the underground and annihilate them; the other half wanted peace and a diplomatic resolution.

The one thing they all had in common was the need for water. Food was getting scarce in Xhaxhu. What little they could still grow on the farms had to be spread among many mouths. No one was allowed to bathe, and the latrines that usually had running water, didn’t. That meant the waste just sat there. I don’t have to tell you that everybody pretty much avoided the latrines, and made their visits short and not very sweet. From what I could tell, the water crises on Zadaa was reaching critical mass, which meant that whatever Saint Dane had in store for the territory was bound to come into play very soon.

The one thing I had plenty of during my stay in the hospital was time. There was a whole lot of lying around going on, especially in the beginning, and I guess I don’t have to point out that they didn’t have TV on Zadaa. Or radio or an MP3 player or anything else you might use to kill time while doing nothing. I took that time to take stock. I tried to replay everything in my head, from the time I had left home to the moment Saint Dane crushed me in the Ghee compound. After all that thinking, I came to two conclusions. One is the decision I told you about at the beginning of this journal. I’ll tell you more about that in a minute. The other is tough for me to write about, but I have to.

Everything I’ve written in my journals has been the absolute truth as I’ve seen it. Many things were difficult to write about, either because they were so disturbing, or there were things I had to admit about myself that I wasn’t too proud of, but they were always the truth. That’s the whole point of the journal, right? That’s why I have to write what I’m about to write, as tough as it may be. I’ll just write it straight out.

I have feelings for Loor.

There, I said it. I can’t say I’m in love with her, I’m not even sure what that means. But as time goes on, I have found myself growing closer to her. It goes way beyond a physical attraction. Loor and I have been through so much together, I feel as though she is one of the only people in all of Halla who can truly understand where my head is. And since the fight, she has cared for me and shown me a side that I didn’t imagine existed. For all of her outward toughness, she is an amazingly caring person. She is beginning to remind me of her mother, Osa. I think I understand now more than ever why she is a Traveler. It’s not just for her strength, it’s for her compassion, which may be the same thing.

I’m not saying this to make you feel bad, Courtney. Or to diminish the great things you’ve done. I don’t even know if I’ll ever tell Loor how I really feel. But writing these journals has been the one thing that’s kept me sane throughout this ordeal. Writing helps me to keep my thoughts in order and to analyze what has happened. It would be wrong if I stopped writing the whole truth now, and the truth is that my feelings for Loor are growing stronger every day. I’m sorry I had to tell you in a journal this way, but I think it would be worse if I didn’t. This doesn’t change how I feel about you, Courtney. Or maybe it does. I don’t know. This is such a confusing thing. One thing I know for sure, you are one of my very best friends in the world. After reading what I just wrote, I hope you still want to be.

That being said, I had come to another conclusion. This one I had to share with Loor.

The day finally came when I was cleared to leave the hospital. The doctor gave me a final once-over and said he could do no more for me. I was still weak, but that may have been because I was lying around for so long. It was time to move on. I thanked the doctor for all he had done. The guy never spoke much, unless it was about my treatment. I had no idea what side of the Rokador debate he fell on. That’s why I was so surprised by what he said when I left that hospital room for the last time.

“I do not know who you are,” he said. “I do not believe you are a Rokador. But I believe you have the power to help us. That is why I am proud to have treated you.”

What could I say? All I did was nod and say, “Thank you.”. Waiting for me in the hallway were Loor and Saangi. Loor had the dark cloak that I had forgotten out on the farm, the one that had started this whole fiasco in the first place.

“Once you leave here,” Loor said. “You will no longer have the protection of Pelle a Zinj.”

I put the cloak on gladly, in spite of the heat. I told you how hot it is here, right? The three of us left the hospital and walked through the streets of Xhaxhu, back to Loor’s home in the Ghee pyramid. Nobody gave us a second look, I’m happy to say. When we were safely inside, I said to Saangi, “Thank you for everything.”

Saangi shrugged and said, “It is my job.” She then lightened up for a second and said, “You are very brave, Pendragon. I am glad you have recovered.”

I nodded a thanks, then said, “If it’s all right with you, I’d like to speak with Loor in private.”

Saangi shot a hurt look to Loor. Loor stared back at her, not giving her any sympathy.

“I will be outside,” Saangi said. “Call when you need me.”

“Thanks, Saangi,” I said.

The girl nodded and left.

“You do not need to thank me, Pendragon,” Loor said before I could speak.

“I wasn’t going to,” I said, sounding flip. “It’s your job too.”

She gave me a confused look. I smiled. “I’m kidding. You know I can’t thank you enough.”

“What is it you want to say to me?” she asked.

I had practiced these words for weeks. Once I had made my decision, I wanted to make sure that I told Loor in such a way that she knew I was dead serious.

“Sit down, okay?” I said.

Loor sat cross-legged on a floor mat. I paced, getting my thoughts together. This was tough.

“You’ve known me since I first became a Traveler,” I began. “From day one I’ve survived because the other Travelers were always there to bail me out. You most of all.”

“We have all played our part,” she said modestly. “You do not give yourself enough credit. You are our heart, Pendragon. Surely you know that.”

“Yeah, well, this heart just got pretty banged up,” I shot back. “Things have changed, Loor. Saint Dane wanted to kill me.”

“I believe he has tried to kill you many times.”

“Not like that.”

“Dead is dead.”

“This was different! Whenever he’s thrown something at me, at us, it always turned out to be part of his bigger plan. That’s how he’s been manipulating us. There was always some other purpose. I think that purpose may have changed. Yeah, we’ve been in danger before, but I don’t think he ever wanted us to die…until now.”

“You do not think this was also part of some plan?” Loor asked.

“Maybe at first it was,” I replied. “But I’m telling you, Loor. He really wanted to beat my brains out. He didn’t expect me to walk away from that fight. I told you before, maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe we’re starting to make him sweat. But whatever the reason, I think being a Traveler just got more dangerous. It’s not just about the territories or Halla anymore. I’m beginning to think it’s about us, too.”

Loor let that ominous thought sink in.

“I do not disagree,” she finally said.

“And that’s why I need your help more than ever.”

“You know I will always be there for you, Pendragon,” she said.

“But what about the times when you aren’t there? Or you can’t help me. You were in the Ghee compound, and I still got hammered.”

This hurt Loor. I saw her flinch.

“I’m sorry, but it’s the truth,” I said. “It wasn’t your fault. You can’t be two places at once.”

“What are we to do?”

This was it. This was the decision I had been wrestling with for weeks. It was something I had been avoiding since the beginning of my adventure, but I no longer had that option. It scared me to death, but not making this move scared me even more.

“Loor,” I said. “Teach me how to fight.”

Loor gave me a blank stare. I don’t think she expected that.

“What’s the matter?” I asked. “Don’t you think I have the guts for it?”

Loor stood up. This was making her uncomfortable. “It is not that,” she said. “I believe you are the most courageous person I have ever met.” She did?

“Then what’s the problem?” I asked. “I’m strong. I’m athletic. I may not be physically back up to speed yet, but it won’t be long before-“

“If you die, what will we do?” Loor barked. “I do not doubt that you would make a fine warrior,” she continued. “But without you, I do not believe we have any hope of defeating Saint Dane.”

This is a weird thing to say, but Loor was scared. I had never, ever seen her frightened before. The idea of going it alone against Saint Dane, without me, terrified her. I actually saw tears forming in her eyes.

“I hear you,” I said. “But I’m not asking this because I want to start running around picking fights. You know me better than that. I need you to give me the skills to defend myself. This war is going to decide the future of all territories, all time, all everything. How stupid would it be to lose that war because I didn’t know how to stand up for myself in a simple fight?” Loor stood staring at the ground.

“Give me the tools to protect myself, Loor. That’s all I’m asking.”

I said all I wanted to say. The next move was hers. Whatever decision she made, I was prepared to accept it. After a long moment she reached up and wiped a tear from her eye and looked straight at me. Her fear was gone. Her indecision was gone. The Loor I knew was back.

“I will teach you, Pendragon. But I will need help.”

I’m writing this journal the night that Loor and I came to that agreement. Tomorrow, my recovery and my life will enter a new phase. I am going to learn the skills I’ll need to survive. The skills of a warrior. I have no big illusions. I don’t expect to come out of this like some kind of fighting machine. I’m still me. But at the very least, I want to be able to push some of the fear away, and have the confidence that when backed into a corner, I’ll stand as good a chance of escaping alive as my opponent.

If that opponent happens to be Saint Dane, so be it.

Try not to worry about me, guys. I’ve dropped a lot on you in this journal. Please know that my thoughts are always with you. I want to come home. I want to see you both again. But that can’t happen until the final play is made in this drama. To make sure I’m around to see that happen, I’ve got to step it up.

I’ve got to fight.

Wish me luck.

END JOURNAL #20