The Ruby Circle

Chapter 11 Adrian

WE WERE STILL STANDING OUT IN THE WOODS, and I was still holding Declan. Amazingly, he’d gone to sleep, blissfully unaware of what a confusing and heartbreaking world he’d just been born into. Sydney leaned against me, and I put an arm around her as best I could while still keeping a firm grip on Declan. Rose and Dimitri stood nearby¸ watching with stricken faces as Olive was gravely taken away.

“We need to act fast,” I said, keeping my voice soft. “If we’re going to honor her wishes.”

Sydney looked up at me and blinked back tears. “You don’t really think—that is, do you believe her? About Neil?”

I didn’t answer right away. “I saw them at Court. You did too. When this whole thing started, it was impossible for me to believe she’d been with another guy. Now I understand. And when I look at him—at Declan—well, it’s hard to explain, but there’s something special about him. His aura. It’s like he’s got this light dusting of spirit, kind of like what Sonya and I kept trying to create. He’s got it naturally.”

Sydney’s breath caught. “If that’s the case, a lot of people are going to be interested in him.”

“They can’t know about him,” I said adamantly. “Olive was right about that, and I owe it to her to keep him secret. It’s the least I can do since I failed her.”

“Adrian—”

I wouldn’t let Sydney finish. “We have to hide him. Will you help me?”

Her face was filled with concern for me, but she didn’t hesitate in her answer. “You know you don’t need to ask.”

I kissed the top of her head. “We’re going to need help.” I beckoned Rose and Dimitri to come forward. They approached immediately.

Rose swallowed, her dark eyes shining with tears. “Adrian, I’m so sorry. There was nothing anyone could do.”

Well, remarked Aunt Tatiana, you could’ve done something if you hadn’t been so careless with spirit.

“No time for that,” I said briskly. “I need your help. What’ll happen to Declan now? You know these kinds of places, Dimitri. What’s the protocol when the mother dies? I need to know if we can take him.”

“Who’s Declan?” asked Rose.

I nodded down at the baby in my arms, still wrapped in someone’s coat.

Dimitri’s face was hard to read. “If she had family living here in this camp, he’d go to them. I’m sure we could also contact her family on the outside, whoever’s left of them. There’s a tradition . . .”

“Yes?” I prompted.

He studied the baby uncertainly before continuing. “There’s an old tradition among dhampirs, especially those living in dangerous places and in uncertain conditions. Whomever the mother first gives the baby to becomes its guardian. Like I said, it’s old, but I’m guessing that’s why Olive was so insistent about seeing you and why Lana hasn’t tried to take him from you yet. I’m sure as soon as you tell her—”

“No,” I interrupted. “That’s perfect.”

“You . . . want this baby?” asked Rose, making no attempt to hide how improbable she found the idea.

“I want to get the baby out of here,” I said. “I want as few people to know about him as possible. Or that I’m taking him.” I thought back to who’d been around, Lana and the two warrior dhampirs. I wasn’t sure if anyone else had been there when Olive had been found. “Can you talk to Lana? Tell her we’re taking the baby to Olive’s family but that it’s being kept quiet? And tell her not to mention my involvement to anyone. If we don’t make a big deal about any of it, most of these people will assume we’re taking him to his next of kin. But I’d prefer if he was as unmemorable as possible. I don’t want anyone else seeing him or thinking too much more about him.”

Rose and Dimitri exchanged understandably perplexed looks. “Adrian, what’s going on?” asked Dimitri.

I shook my head. “I can’t tell you. Not yet. But believe me when I say this baby’s life may depend on what we do now. Will you help us?”

That was a hard argument for them to go against—and it wasn’t a lie either. Because as we walked back toward the heart of the commune, my power gradually began creeping back. And each time I tuned into Declan’s aura—looking closely, almost at the cellular level—I could see that infusion of spirit. It’s unlikely anyone would notice it unless they were really looking for it.

And I understood with a shocking clarity why Olive had been afraid. Why she’d turned her back on everyone she knew and run off to a hole in the woods. What had happened, what I was holding in my arms, shouldn’t exist. Two dhampirs couldn’t make another dhampir. It went against one of the most basic rules of biology in our world. It was impossible, yet here it was.

He was a miracle.

But Olive had been right that there were people who’d want to study Declan, who’d want to possibly lock him up and experiment. And while I was ready to acknowledge that his birth was a wondrous, joyous thing, I wasn’t ready to let his life be a series of experiments and finger-pointing—especially when his mother had died to protect him from that.

Dimitri spoke to Lana privately, and either because of that dhampir tradition or his own reputation (maybe both), she acceded to all our requests. She gave us a vacant cabin to stay in until dawn. When we asked for supplies, she sent them via Rose or Dimitri so that Declan would have as little exposure to others in the commune as possible. I needed him to be out of their minds. I needed them to forget him.

Of course, that meant Sydney and I were in charge of his care that night. And in a few short hours, I learned more than I’d ever expected to about babies. She was able to look up some information on her phone, taking comfort in logic and facts. The signal out here was bad, though, and sometimes we found it was easier to take a guess on something than wait for an answer. Declan, fortunately, was a forgiving guy and proved pretty accommodating as we figured things out together. He was patient as Sydney and I painstakingly read the instructions on the can of formula Lana sent. He made little complaint when I initially put his diaper on backward. When he grew tired again and started crying, I had no instructions to follow. Sydney gave a helpless shrug when I looked at her. So I just walked him around the living room, crooning classic rock songs until he dozed off and could be set down.

Rose, who’d stayed with us off and on but looked more terrified of the baby than a Strigoi, watched me with amazement. “You’re kind of good at that,” she remarked. “Adrian Ivashkov, baby whisperer.”

I looked down at the sleeping baby. “I’m making it up as I go along.”

“Are you ready to tell us what’s going on?” she asked, her face growing grave. “You know we just want to help.”

“Not yet. But if we can leave when Dimitri gets back, that’d be—”

Sydney’s phone chimed with a text message. She looked surprised that anyone would be reaching out to her until she took a look at the display. “It’s Ms. Terwilliger. She’s mobilized the witches in Palm Springs. They’re ready to start searching.”

Rose stood up. “For Jill?”

“For Alicia, technically, but also for Jill,” said Sydney. “She says we can join them . . .” She looked at me uncertainly, and I could guess her thoughts. We’d made this Michigan detour because we had time to pass while waiting for things to be ready for us in Palm Springs. Having a baby in tow hadn’t been part of anyone’s plan.

Sydney, Jill, now Declan, remarked Aunt Tatiana. So many people counting on you. So many people to let down if you fail.

“I hope you’re including me in that ‘we,’” said Rose fiercely. “I’m ready to bring Jill home.”

“Palm Springs,” I murmured, still rocking Declan. “That might be perfect. We can hide him away there.”

“We can’t take a baby on a witch hunt,” warned Sydney.

I nodded in agreement. “Here. Take him, he’s asleep.”

Sydney carefully lifted Declan from my arms and looked at me quizzically as I reached for my phone. I had a bad signal too, but it was good enough to get a call out to my mom.

“Adrian?” she answered in a panic. “Where are you? I’ve been so worried, ever since that Nina girl had a fit! Are you okay?”

“Yeah . . . well, no. It’s complicated. But I need you to meet me in Palm Springs as soon as you can. I’m going there soon. Can you do that?”

“Yes . . .” she began uncertainly. “But—”

“I can’t tell you what’s going on,” I said swiftly. “Not yet.”

“I know, darling. That wasn’t what I was going to ask. I was wondering what I should do with the cat and the dragon while I’m gone?”

Good question. “Oh. Um, see if Sonya will watch them.”

I disconnected and saw that Dimitri had stepped back inside. “We’re going to Palm Springs?” he asked.

“Time to look for Jill,” said Rose.

“If you’re up for it,” I added.

Dimitri held up a car seat with one hand, which was almost comical. “We can go whenever you’re ready. Lana gave us this and swears it’s easy to install.”

Rose laughed at that. “Oh, this I’ve got to see, comrade. Dimitri Belikov, badass god, installing a baby’s car seat.”

He smiled good-naturedly, and we scurried around, gathering up things. Sydney had to call Jackie back, and since my hands were full, she handed Declan off to Rose. “Just rock him,” I said, seeing her panic.

Rose blanched but complied, earning laughter in return from Dimitri. “Rose Hathaway, notorious rebel, showing her maternal side.”

She stuck her tongue out at him. “Enjoy it while you can, comrade. This is as close as you’ll ever get to it.”

I nearly dropped my bag as a startling thought occurred to me. Olive had said she and Neil had been together before he’d been injected with spirit. That meant whatever had happened to bring about Declan’s conception had been the result of her being restored from being a Strigoi. Would that apply to Dimitri as well? Did that restoration only work on women? Rose and Dimitri were laughing now, joking because children were an impossible future for the two of them . . . but did they realize they might actually be capable of such a future? Did they want it?

You hold a lot of power over them, Aunt Tatiana whispered. Power to make or break their future happiness.

“Adrian?” asked Rose, seeing my astonished face. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” I said, slowly moving again. “Just trying to get used to all this.”

When we finally made our way out, with Declan in my arms once more, it was impossible to entirely avoid notice as we walked through the rest of the community. People were out and about, trying to recover from the terrible aftermath of the Strigoi attack. Most were too caught up in their own affairs, but a few saw me and wanted to talk to me—because I’d healed them.

“Thank you, thank you,” exclaimed Mallory the guard, hurrying up and catching my arm. “They told me how bad I was. I might not have survived if it wasn’t for what you did!”

If I hadn’t done it, would Olive still be alive? I wondered. But I smiled instead and stammered out how glad I was that Mallory was doing well. When she called for a couple of her friends who’d also been injured to come over, I quickly handed Declan back to Sydney. “You two stay out of sight,” I whispered. A baby and an ex-Alchemist were too memorable, and that was the last thing we needed right now.

Sydney complied, hastily getting away from my fan club and me, with Dimitri shadowing her. “Meet at the car,” he called back.

I nodded and then turned back to those I’d healed. I accepted their gratitude as graciously as I could, but all the while, I couldn’t shake the idea that Olive should have been among them. A few mentioned her, expressing how sad they were at her loss, but no one asked about the baby. When they finally dissipated, I thought I was free, but then another voice called my name. I turned and saw Lana working toward me.

“Damn shame about what happened here,” she said, her eyes filled with grief. She seemed to have aged years in the day I’d known her. “I wish it had been different.”

“Me too,” I said.

“Dimitri didn’t tell me what’s going on, but I’m respecting his wishes—and yours. I don’t know what all the secrecy’s about, but I saw Olive’s face when she was speaking to you, just before she passed.” Lana paused and ran a hand over her eyes. “Something was eating her up, that much was obvious, and she trusted you with it—and the baby. That’s good enough for me. I’m happy to help however you need.”

“Do it by forgetting we were here,” I said quietly. “Us and the baby.”

“Fair enough,” said Lana. She cleared her throat. “But I do have one uncomfortable question.”

Only one? asked Aunt Tatiana.

“What would you like done with the body?” Lana asked.

I started. It wasn’t anything I’d even thought about. Olive was gone. I’d literally seen the light of her aura go. That I’d be asked to deal with this hadn’t even crossed my mind.

“Um, what would you normally do?”

Lana shrugged. “We could have the body sent to her family for burial or cremation. Or to a place in Houghton, if you wanted it dealt with sooner. The Alchemist left some of that chemical behind. The one that dissolves bodies. Said we could use it if we needed to.”

My stomach lurched. The idea of Olive’s body undergoing what a Strigoi’s would was nauseating, especially after everything she’d gone through to redeem herself from that existence. And yet . . . I’d seen what that chemical could do. It would completely destroy what was left of Olive—destroy that she’d ever had a baby. I closed my eyes and felt the world sway around me.

“Adrian?” queried Lana. “You okay?”

I opened my eyes. “Use the chemical. It’s what she would’ve wanted.”

Lana arched an eyebrow at that, but I couldn’t elaborate. I couldn’t tell her that Olive wouldn’t have wanted to risk her body being sent to a funeral parlor or back to her family, where people would learn she’d given birth and ask questions. Olive had died to keep Declan a secret. This was another terrible part of that legacy.

“Okay,” said Lana. “And I meant what I said—I’ll keep this under wraps. My people will too. I’ll make sure it stays quiet. This group knows how to keep a secret.”

“Thank you. For everything.” I started to turn, but she caught my arm.

“Oh, what should I tell your uncle? He was asking about you.”

My uncle was no one I wanted to talk to—especially since I was sure he was someone who couldn’t keep a secret. I didn’t want him asking me about Olive or what would become of her son. “Don’t tell him anything,” I said. “Just that I left.”

Another long day of travel followed, made even more complicated by having an infant around who required feeding every two hours. We couldn’t get a flight out of Houghton, so Dimitri drove us to Minneapolis—with frequent stops along the way—until we could finally camp out at the airport there and catch a last-minute flight to LAX. Throughout all of this, Sydney and I split our attention between taking care of Declan and making contact with the people in Palm Springs. I verified that Neil had made it there, per our earlier arrangements, but I didn’t tell him anything that was going on, not about Olive or Declan. And until I spoke to him, I also had to keep Rose and Dimitri in the dark, as much as I hated it. I just didn’t feel they should know the truth before Neil did.

“Is this your first?”

“Huh?”

Our plane was descending into Los Angeles, and I was doing my best to rock a fussing Declan while belted into my seat. In lieu of any proper baby toys, Sydney was trying to distract him by shaking a set of keys over him, even though she claimed to have read some article about how newborns couldn’t actually see very far. The question had come from a little old lady sitting across the aisle from us. She nodded at Declan.

“Your first baby,” she clarified.

Sydney and I exchanged glances, not entirely sure how to answer that. “Uh, yeah,” I said.

The old woman beamed. “I thought so. You both are so attentive! So concerned. But don’t worry. It’s not as hard as you think. You’ll get used to it. You two look like natural parents. I bet you’ll have a dozen!” She cackled to herself as the plane touched down.

By the time we reached Palm Springs, Declan was the only one of us who wasn’t wiped out. None of us had really had a decent night’s sleep in days, but we kept on powering through as best as we could. Dimitri once again took it upon himself to drive and delivered us to Clarence Donahue’s house, which provided a relatively safe haven—and also a much-needed source of blood for me. Clarence Donahue was a reclusive old Moroi who’d helped us in the past, and he was delighted to see us when his housekeeper showed us into his living room. I was delighted to see my mother sitting there with him.

“Mom,” I said, wrapping her in a huge embrace.

“My goodness,” she said, when I was reluctant to let her go. “It’s only been a few days, dear.”

“A lot’s happened in that time,” I told her honestly, thinking of how much life and death I’d witnessed in those days. “And I think a lot’s going to go down when Sydney checks in with some of her friends. It’s going to keep the rest of us pretty busy, and, uh, there’s something I need your help with.”

I stepped to the side and revealed Sydney, carrying Declan asleep in his car seat.

My mom stared at the baby in confusion, then looked at Sydney, and then turned to me wide-eyed. “Adrian,” she exclaimed. “That’s not—I mean, how is it possible—”

“He’s not mine,” I said wearily. “His name is Declan, and I’m taking care of him for a friend. I might need your help watching him while we go after Jill, though. There’s no one else I can trust.”

As though he knew his name, Declan opened his eyes and regarded us solemnly. I honestly wasn’t sure how my mother was going to respond to this request. Dhampirs had always been in subservient roles to her, and she’d freaked out when I’d brought Rose home on a date. After she’d accepted my marriage with Sydney, I’d once commented to her that she’d have to accept the idea of dhampir grandchildren. My mom had shrugged off the topic, saying, yes, of course she understood that, but I’d wondered if she’d been pushing that off for another day’s worries. How would she react now to caring for a dhampir child?

I carefully lifted Declan out of the seat and was astonished when my mother snatched him away. “Look at you,” she crooned, swaying him in his arms. “Such a handsome little boy. The handsomest little boy.”

I remember when you used to be her handsomest little boy, remarked Aunt Tatiana.

My mom dragged her gaze from him. “You should change him into some lighter clothes,” she told me. “Those pajamas are too heavy for this climate.”

“Um, those are all we have,” I said. I pointed to a grocery bag Rose had set down. “Really, his worldly possessions are all in there.”

“Where’s he going to sleep?” my mother asked.

“He’s just been using the car seat.”

She sighed loudly. “Oh, Adrian. This is just like the time you brought home a neighbor’s puppy and seemed surprised when you found out you’d have to feed it every day.”

“Hey,” I retorted. “We’ve fed this little guy plenty of times.”

“Sydney, dear,” my mother added, “I expected more sense from you, if not Adrian. Surely you know that a baby needs all sorts of things.”

Sydney was momentarily stunned, and I couldn’t blame her. I was pretty sure my mother had never called her “dear” before, and I think Sydney was at a loss as to whether to feel flattered by the endearment or chastised for her lack of “sense.”

“Yes, Mrs. Ivashkov,” said Sydney at last. “That’s why we wanted you out here while we got things settled. We know you’ll get him all he needs.”

“You’re Mrs. Ivashkov now,” corrected my mom. “Call me Daniella.”

That was another surprise to Sydney, and she was saved from her shock by her phone ringing. “It’s Ms. Terwilliger,” she said, answering it and walking out of the room. She returned a few minutes later, face excited.

“The local witches are going to start searching tomorrow at dawn,” she told us once she’d disconnected. “I’ve got the location to meet. Eddie and N-Neil will join us. Until then, we’ll just lay low.”

She tripped a bit over Neil’s name, her eyes falling on Declan as she spoke. I understood how she felt. At some point, once things were stable, Neil was going to have to find out he was a father. The concept still made me reel. You’d think after everything I’d come to terms with—Strigoi being restored, the dead brought back to life—that I could take two dhampirs creating a baby in stride. But I couldn’t. It was still too strange, too beyond how I’d centered my world.

My mother surprised me then by handing Declan back to me. “If you two are stuck inside and nothing else is happening this evening, then I need to do some shopping before everything closes so that he can be properly taken care of.”

I took a little offense at the words. I honestly thought we’d done a pretty decent job of taking care of him in the last twenty-four hours. Maybe he only had one outfit, but it was mostly clean, and I was putting his diapers on correctly now. Plus, he was always fed as soon as he showed any signs of hunger. For someone who’d spent most of his adult life fearful of getting girls pregnant, I thought my unexpected paternal trial was turning out reasonably well.

But I knew what she meant, and part of the reason I’d wanted her to come was for her insight. After all, she’d raised a baby to adulthood, and I hadn’t. “Not much left in my account,” I told her. Both of us had been cut off by my dad. “But I’ll give you my debit card, and you can use it as far as it’ll go.”

“Perhaps I may be of assistance,” offered Clarence, getting to his feet. With the help of his snake-headed cane, he hobbled over to an ornate wooden box on a shelf in the wall. I’d seen that box a hundred times while I’d been in his home. What I hadn’t seen was him ever open it, and my jaw nearly hit the floor when he lifted the lid and revealed stacks of one-hundred-dollar bills. He handed what had to be at least a thousand dollars to my mom. “Will this be enough for the young master, Lady Ivashkov?”

My mother actually had the audacity to deliberate. “It’s a start,” she declared magnanimously. She turned to Rose and Dimitri. “Now. Which one of you is going to drive me?”

Surprisingly, Rose volunteered. Although still uneasy around Declan and babies in general, she seemed kind of excited about shopping for one. Sydney looked disappointed at not being able to join them but made no arguments. With Alicia and the Alchemists on the loose, Sydney couldn’t leave a secure location like this without good reason. She contented herself by holing up in a guest room and prepping some spells that would be of use in the search for Alicia tomorrow. That left Dimitri and me to babysit, which seemed like the setup for some sort of wacky sitcom.

“They really are amazing, aren’t they?” he mused, admiring Declan as he slept in my arms. “Someone so small . . . who will have such enormous potential. Good, evil. Great acts, small acts. What will it be? What will he become?”

I wouldn’t have known the answer for anyone, let alone for a child born because of the incredible magic used to restore his mother from an undead state. As Dimitri spoke, I was surprised to see a deep, heartfelt longing in his eyes. He and Rose might have teased each other about babies, yet underneath it all, he seriously and desperately would love a child of his own, I realized. With a few words, I knew I could change his entire world if I told him the truth about Declan, that Dimitri might very well be able to have a son or daughter of his own. It might only have been the result of lucky timing that he and Rose hadn’t conceived yet. That the possibility was out there was something they needed to know.

He would be indebted to you, Aunt Tatiana murmured. Since you’ve known him, you’ve always chased him, always been second to him. With Rose. With great deeds. But if you told him he could have a child with her, he would get down on his knees and weep at your feet.

The power was in my hands, and the temptation to tell him nearly overwhelming . . . but I bit my lip. I couldn’t. Not until Neil knew.

When my mom and Rose returned, I was astonished to see they’d become fast friends. I was also amazed at the quantity of merchandise they’d managed to buy in so short a time. A bassinet, a gazillion clothes, toys, and a whole bunch of products for babies I hadn’t even known existed. Sydney looked it over with a critical eye and immediately began double-checking product reviews on her phone.

“This will get him by for now,” my mother announced. “But of course he’ll eventually need a full-size crib, once he’s bigger. And although that car seat is adequate for now, we saw several that would be much more suitable.”

“We saw some with cup holders and sunshades,” added Rose.

Sydney nodded in agreement. “He’ll definitely need a sunshade.”

I knew it was pointless telling them Declan wouldn’t be in our care by the time he needed a cup holder. When it came to the strong-willed women in my life, I found it was sometimes easiest to nod and agree with whatever they dictated was best. That being said, Declan did seem much more comfortable sleeping in a real bed that night, and the rest of us stood around admiring him after he’d fallen asleep.

“Sweetest baby ever,” my mother said with a sigh.

“You mean second sweetest, right?” I corrected. I was a little surprised at how quickly she’d taken to him, but then again, perhaps I shouldn’t have been. Her whole life had been thrown into upheaval, between leaving my father and supporting my unorthodox marriage. Here, in Declan, she had a project that she could throw herself into—something far more meaningful and substantial than her cross-stitch and less weird than a dragon or a witch’s cat.

More importantly for us that night, my mother was more than willing to take on the responsibility of Declan’s overnight feedings. Part of this was because she was still on a nocturnal schedule from Court. But she could also tell that the rest of us were exhausted, and being woken every couple of hours probably wasn’t in our best interests if we wanted to be alert and ready for a possible encounter with Alicia tomorrow. After all, her whole point in that twisted scavenger hunt had been to wear Sydney down.

“I hope we find her,” said Sydney as she got into bed that night. “Can you even imagine? This could all be over by this time tomorrow. We find Alicia. We find Jill. Everything goes back to normal—well, whatever passes for normal with us.”

I slid into bed, enjoying the luxury of stretching out after having pulled my last nap in a cramped airplane seat. It was also heady to have Sydney in relative privacy for a change. Clarence’s home was so big that our guest room was isolated in this hallway, unlike the cramped quarters back in Court’s guest housing. Sydney, dressed simply in shorts and a tank top, curled up against me, and I sighed happily. At last, a moment of peace with her.

“Adrian,” she said, “we need to talk about what happened at the commune.”

My hold on her stiffened. “A lot happened.”

“I know, I know, and obviously we’re dealing with the most important part—Declan. But we need to talk about what you did—that healing.”

She blames you! hissed Aunt Tatiana. She blames you for Olive’s death!

“You think I’m responsible for Olive dying?” I demanded.

“What?” said Sydney. “No. No. Of course not. Adrian . . . you don’t blame yourself, do you? A Strigoi did that to her. There was nothing you could have done.”

“Then why are you giving me a hard time about the healing?” I asked.

She exhaled. “I’m worried about the way it wore you out. You said you’d tone down your spirit use. That it was for the best.”

“Actually,” I said, “I don’t know that I ever said that. I think you decided it and have been forcing it on me.”

Her kind tone suddenly became a lot frostier. “‘Forcing’ it? Adrian, I’m trying to help you. You heard what happened to Nina with all that spirit use. I don’t want you comatose like her!”

“I didn’t use as much as her,” I retorted.

“You drained yourself! That seems like a lot to me.”

“Yeah, well,” I said angrily, “there are a bunch of dhampirs back in Lana’s camp who’d disagree with you. They’re grateful for what I did.”

But not Olive, whispered Aunt Tatiana. She has nothing to say at all.

“Adrian,” said Sydney, obviously trying for calm, “I’m sure they are grateful, but we’ve been over this. You need to go back on your medication. You can’t save everybody. You can’t use spirit indiscriminately and ignore the cost to yourself. You’re putting your life in danger.”

“What kind of life would I have—what kind of person would I be—if I hoarded that magic and let others suffer? I can’t, Sydney. If I see someone, and I can help, I’m going to. I can’t sit by and abandon them!”

“And I can’t sit by and let you keep hurting yourself,” she cried, losing that calm again.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, rolling over to my side. “I guess I can’t change who I am.”

Long moments passed, and finally she rolled onto her side too so that our backs faced one another. Icy silence fell. So much for a peaceful or romantic night.

She doesn’t understand, Aunt Tatiana told me. She never will.

I need her to, I answered back in my head. I need her in my life to understand and support me. Without her, I’m lost.

You’ll always have me, came the phantom response.

I tugged the covers more tightly over me, thinking with dread about how one of these days, I was going to have to deal with the elephant in the room—or rather, the dead queen in my head. I was fairly certain that if I went back on my medication, Aunt Tatiana would go away . . . but then, so would spirit. Was I ready for that again? Without spirit, I never would’ve been able to heal those dhampirs. I wouldn’t be able to help in the upcoming rescue for Jill. Without spirit, what was I?

Spirit couldn’t save Olive, remarked Aunt Tatiana. It’s overrated.

“Shut up,” I mumbled.

Behind me, Sydney stirred. “Did you say something?”

I rolled back over and kissed her shoulder. “I said I’m sorry. I love you.”