The Schopenhauer Cure

23

_________________________

IfI maintain silence

about my secret it is my

prisoner; if I let it

slip from my tongue, I am

its prisoner. On the tree

of silence hang the

fruits of peace.

_________________________

Bonnie`s concern about the group proved unfounded: at the next meeting

everyone was not only present but early—except for Philip, who strode in briskly

and took his seat at exactly four–thirty.

A short silence at the beginning of a group therapy session is not unusual.

Members learn quickly not to open the meeting capriciously because the first

speaker is generally fated to receive much time and attention. But Philip,

graceless as ever, did not wait. Avoiding eye contact, he began speaking in his

unemotional, disembodied voice.

«The account given by our returning member last week—”

«Name of Pam,” interrupted Tony.

Philip nodded without looking up. «Pam`s description of my list was

incomplete. It was more than a simple list of the women with whom I had sex that

month; it contained not only names but phone numbers—”

Pam interrupted, «Oh. Phone numbers! Oh, well then, excuse me—that

makes it all okay!»

Undeterred, Philip continued, «The list also contained a brief description of

the lovemaking preferences of each woman.»

«Lovemaking preferences?» asked Tony.

«Yes, what each woman preferred in the sexual act. Such as, likes it from

the rear...sixty–nine...long foreplay required...begin with lengthy back

massage...massage oil...gets off on spanking...breast sucking...likes

handcuffs...tied to bedposts a big turn–on.»

Julius winced. Good God! Where was Philip going—was he heading in the

direction of revealing Pam`s preferences? Big trouble ahead.

Before he could head Philip off, Pam shot out, «You are truly disgusting.

Repulsive.» Pam leaned forward as if preparing to rise from her chair and leave.

Bonnie put her hand on Pam`s arm to detain her and said to Philip, «I`m

with Pam on this one. Philip, are you crazy? Why on earth would you brag about

those things?»

«Yeah,” said Gill, «I just don`t get you. Look, here you are under blistering

attack—I mean I`m wincing for you, man. I could not face what you`re facing.

But what do you do? You throw gasoline on the fire and you say,‘Burn me some

more.` No offense, Philip, but, shit, how can you do that?»

«Yeah, that`s what I see too,” said Stuart. «If I were in your situation, I`d

want to put myself in the best possible light—not give the enemy more

ammunition.»

Julius tried to soothe the waters. «Philip, what have you been feeling the

last few minutes?»

«Well, I had something important to say about that list and I said it—so

naturally I feel entirely satisfied with the course of events.»

Julius persevered. In his most gentle voice, he said, «Several people

responded to you, Philip. What are you feeling about that?»

«That`s where I don`t go, Julius. That way lies despair. Better, far better,

for me to keep my own counsel.»

Julius pulled out another device from his grab bag—that venerable but

reliable strategy of conditional voice. «Philip, try a thought experiment.

Philosophers do that everyday. I understand your wish to retain your equanimity,

but humor me for a moment and try to imagine thatyou were going to have

feelings about others` responses today. What might they be? ”

Philip considered Julius`s question, smiled slightly, and nodded his head,

perhaps as a token of admiration for the ingenuity of Julius`s ploy.

«An experiment? Fair enough. If Iwere to have had feelings, I would have

felt frightened by the ferocity of Pam`s interruption. I am not unaware that she

wishes to do me grievous harm.»

Pam started to interject, but Julius immediately signaled her to be silent and

allow Philip to continue.

«Then Bonnie inquired about the point of my bragging, and then Gill and

Stuart asked about why I was attempting to immolate myself.»

«Immo what?» asked Tony.

Pam opened her mouth to respond, but Philip instantaneously said,

«Immolate—to sacrifice oneself by fire.»

«Okay, you`re partway there,” Julius persisted. «You`ve accurately

described what happened—what Bonnie, Gill, and Stuart said. Now try to

continue with the experiment—if you were going to have feelings about their

comments.»

«Right, I`ve gotten off track. No doubt you would conclude my

unconscious is making an appearance.»

Julius nodded. «Go on, Philip.»

«I would feel entirely misunderstood. I would say to Pam, ‘I wasn`t trying

to make it okay.` To Bonnie, I`d say, ‘Bragging was the last thing in my mind.`

To Gill and Stuart, I`d say, ‘Thank you for the warning, but I was not attempting

to injure myself.`”

«Okay, now we know what youweren`t doing. So tell us what youwere

doing? I`m bewildered,” said Bonnie.

«I was simply setting the record straight. Following the dictates of reason.

Nothing less, nothing more.»

The group lapsed into that state of mind that always ensued from an

interaction with Philip. He was so rational, so imperially above the strife of

everyday discourse. Everyone looked down, bewildered, disoriented. Tony shook

his head.

«I comprehend every point you made,” said Julius, «except the last one—

that last phrase—‘nothing less, nothing more.` That I cannot buy. Why volunteer

that particular aspect of the truthnow, today, at this juncture, in your relationship

with us? You were eager to do it. You couldn`t wait. I could feel your pressure to

get it out. Despite the obvious negative consequences pointed out by the group,

you were determined to jump in immediately today. Let`s try to figure out why.

What was the payoff for you?»

«That`s not hard,” responded Philip. «I know exactly why I said it.»

Silence. Everyone waited.

«I`m getting pissed,” said Tony. «Philip, you`ve got us hanging; you do this

all the time. Do we have to beg you for the next sentence?»

«Sorry?» asked Philip, his face in a puzzled scrunch.

«You`ve got us all waiting to hear why you said it,” said Bonnie. «Are you

being deliberately inscrutable here?»

«Perhaps you think we don`t want to know, that we have no curiosity about

what you`re going to say,” suggested Rebecca.

«It`s none of these,” said Philip. «It`s got nothing to do with you. It just

happens that my focus fades and I turn inward.»

«This sounds important,” said Julius. «I think there`s a reason for that—and

it involves your interactions with the group. If you truly believe that your

behavior is capricious, something like rain that just happens, then you`re

assuming a helpless stance. There is a reason you periodically avoid us and turn

inward: I think it`s because some anxiety has welled up in you. In this instance

your loss of focus had to do with how you opened the meeting. Can you pursue

that?»

Philip was silent, pondering Julius`s words.

Julius had his ways of ratcheting up the pressure when treating other

therapists: «Another thing, Philip, if you`re going to be seeing clients or leading a

group in the future, losing focus and turning inward is going to be a real liability

in your work.»

That did the trick. Philip immediately said, «I chose to reveal what I did for

self–protection. Pam knew everything about the list, and I was uncomfortable

about her being able to drop that bomb at any time. Revealing it myself was the

lesser of two evils.» Philip hesitated, inhaled, then continued: «There`s more to

say. I still haven`t addressed Bonnie`s accusation of bragging. I kept that list

because I had been extremely sexually active that year. My three–week

relationship with Pam`s friend Molly was unusual; I preferred one–night stands,

though I occasionally went back for seconds when I felt particularly sexually

pressured and couldn`t meet someone new. When I saw the same woman a second

time, I needed the notes to refresh my memory and make the woman feel I

remembered her. If she knew the truth—that she was just one of many—I might

not succeed. No braggadoccio whatsoever in these notes. They were meant for my

private use only. Molly had the key to my apartment, invaded my privacy, forced

open a locked desk drawer, and stole the list.»

«You telling us,” asked Tony, wide–eyed, «you had sex with so many

women you had to keep notes so you wouldn`t mix them up? I mean, what are we

talking about here? How many? How`d you pull this off?»

Julius groaned to himself. Things were complicated enough already without

Tony`s envy–laced question. The tension between Pam and Philip was already

unbearably high. It needed defusing, but Julius wasn`t sure how to do it.

Unexpected help arrived from Rebecca, who suddenly altered the entire course of

the meeting.

«I`m sorry to interrupt, but I need some time in the group today,” she said.

«I`ve been thinking all week about revealing something I`ve never told anyone,

not even you, Julius. This is, I think, my darkest secret.» Rebecca paused, looked

around the group. All eyes were on her. «This okay?»

Julius turned to Pam and Philip. «How about you two? Are we leaving you

with too many strong feelings?»

«Okay with me,” said Pam. «I need some time out.»

«And you, Philip?»

Philip nodded.

«More than okay with me,” said Julius, «unless you want to mention first

about why you`ve decided to reveal this today.»

«No, it`s better for me to plunge in while I still have the courage. Here

goes: About fifteen years ago, about two weeks before my wedding, my company

sent me to the Las Vegas computer expo to do a presentation on their new

product. I had already handed in my resignation, and this presentation was to be

my last assignment—I was thinking then that perhaps it might be the last one in

my life. I was already two months pregnant, and Jack and I had planned a month–long honeymoon and then I was to turn to house and baby. This was long before

law school—I had no idea whether I`d ever work again.

«Well, I fell into in a strange mood in Vegas. One evening, to my surprise, I

found myself in the bar of Caesar`s Palace. I ordered a drink and soon fell into an

intimate conversation with a well–dressed man. He asked if I was a working girl. I

was unfamiliar with that phrase and nodded yes. Before I could say more about

my job he asked me my fee. I gulped, looked him over—he was cute—and said,

‘One hundred fifty dollars.` He nodded and up we went to his room. And then the

next night I moved to the Tropicana and did it again. Same fee. And my last night

there I did a freebie.»

Rebecca took a deep breath, exhaled loudly. «And that`s it. I`ve never told

anyone about this. Sometimes I`ve considered telling Jack but never did. What

would have been the point? Nothing but grief for him and precious little

absolution for me.... And...Tony, you bastard...goddammit, that`s not funny!»

Tony, who had taken his wallet out and was counting his money, stopped in

his tracks and, with a sheepish smile, said, «Just wanted to lighten things up.»

«I don`t want it to be made light of. This is heavy stuff for me.» Rebecca

flashed one of her remarkable smiles, which she could conjure up at will. «There

it is—true confessions.» She turned to Stuart, who on more than one occasion had

referred to her as a porcelain doll. «So, what doyou think? Maybe Rebecca`s not

the dainty doll she appears to be.»

Stuart said, «I wasn`t thinking that. You know where I went as you spoke? I

flashed on a movie I rented a few nights ago—The Green Mile.There was an

unforgettable scene of a condemned prisoner eating his last meal. Sounds to me

that in Las Vegas you treated yourself to one last piece of freedom before

marriage.»

Julius nodded and said, «I agree. Sounds much like something you and I

talked about a long time ago, Rebecca.» To the group Julius explained, «Several

years ago Rebecca and I worked together for about a year when she was wrestling

with the decision of getting married.» Turning back to Rebecca, he said, «I

remember we spent weeks talking about your fears of giving up your freedom,

your sense of your possibilities closing. Like Stuart, I think that those were the

concerns that got played out in Las Vegas.»

«One thing sticks out in my mind from those hours together, Julius. I

remember your telling me about a novel where someone seeks a wise man who

tells him thatalternatives exclude, that for everyyes there has to be ano.»

«Hey, I know that book—John Gardner`sGrendel ,” interrupted Pam. «It

was Grendel, the demon, who sought out the wise man.»

«Endless interconnections here,” said Julius. «Pam first introduced me to

that novel when I was seeing her for a few months about the same time. So,

Rebecca, if that comment was helpful, you owe thanks to Pam.»

Rebecca, flashed Pam a big thank–you smile. «You were giving me indirect

therapy. I pasted a note with that phrase on my mirror:Alternatives exclude. It

explained my block in saying yes to Jack even though I believed he was the right

man.» Then, to Julius: «I remember your saying that to grow old gracefully I had

to accept the limiting of possibilities.»

«Long before Gardner,” Philip interjected, «Heidegger,” he turned to Tony,

«an important German philosopher in the first half of last century...”

«An important Nazi, too,” Pam interjected.

Philip ignored Pam`s comment. «Heidegger spoke of confronting the

limiting of possibility. In fact he linked it to the fear of death. Death, he

suggested, was theimpossibility of further possibility. ”

«Death as theimpossibility of further possibility,” Julius repeated, «a

powerful thought. Maybe I`ll pastethat onmy mirror. Thanks, Philip. There`re so

many things to look at here, including your feelings, Pam, but first, one more

comment to you, Rebecca. This episode in Las Vegas must have happened while

you and I were meeting, and you never mentioned it to me. That tells me how

much shame you must have felt.»

Rebecca nodded. «Yep, I decided to deep–six the whole episode.» After

pausing and considering whether to say anything else, she added, «There`s more,

Julius. I was ashamed, but even more...this feels risky...I felt even more shame

when I fantasized about it afterward: it was a fantastic high—not a sexual high, no

that`s not right, notjust a sexual high, but the excitement of being outside the law,

of being primitive. And you know,” Rebecca turned toward Tony, «that`s always

been part of my attraction to you, Tony—your jail time, your bar fights, your

flaunting of the rules. But just now you went over the top; that stunt of pulling out

your money was offensive.»

Before Tony could reply, Stuart jumped in. «You`ve got a lot of guts,

Rebecca. I admire you. And you`ve liberated me to reveal something I`ve never

talked about—not with Julius or my previous shrink, not with anyone.» He

hesitated, looked in the eyes of each member. «Just checking out the safety factor

here. This is high–risk stuff. I feel safe with everyone here with the exception of

you, Philip, because I don`t know you well yet. I`m sure Julius has talked to you

about group confidentiality?»

Silence.

«Philip, your silence jams me up. I`m asking you something,” said Stuart,

who turned and faced Philip more directly. «What`s going on? Why don`t you

answer?»

Philip looked up. «I didn`t know an answer was required.»

«I said I was sure that Julius told you about confidentiality, and then I

raised my voice at the end of the sentence. That connotes a question—right? And

also, didn`t the context about trust signify that I needed an answer from you?»

«I understand,” said Philip. «Yes, Julius told me about confidentiality, and,

yes, I made a commitment to honor all the group basic ground rules, including

confidentiality.»

«Good,” said Stuart. «You know, Philip, I`m beginning to change my

mind—I used to think of you as arrogant, but now I`m beginning to think that

you`re just not house–broken or people–broken. And that does not require an

answer—it`s optional.»

«Hey, Stuart—good!» said Tony, smirking. «You`re showing up, man. I

like it.»

Stuart nodded. «I didn`t mean that negatively, Philip, but I`ve got a story to

tell and I need to make sure it`s entirely safe here. So,” he took a deep breath,

«let`s go. About thirteen or fourteen years ago—it was when I was just finishing

my residency and was about to enter practice—I went to a pediatrics convention

in Jamaica. The purpose of such conventions is to keep up with the latest in

medical research, but you know many physicians go for other reasons: to look for

a practice opportunity or an academic job...or just to have a good time and get

laid. I struck out on all counts, and then, to make things worse, my plane back to

Miami was late and I missed my connection to California. I had to spend the night

in the airport hotel and was in a miserable mood.»

There was rapt attention from the group members—this was a new side of

Stuart.

«I checked into the hotel around eleven–thirty at night, took the elevator up

to the seventh floor—funny how clear the details are—and was walking down a

long silent corridor to my room when suddenly a door opened and a distraught,

disheveled woman in a nightgown stepped out into the hallway—attractive, great

body, about ten or fifteen years older than me. She grabbed my arm—her breath

reeked of alcohol—and asked whether I had just seen anyone in the hall.

«вЂ˜No one, why?` I answered. Then she told me a long, rambling story about

a delivery man who had just swindled her out of six thousand dollars. I suggested

she call the front desk or the police, but she seemed strangely uninterested in

taking any action. Then she motioned me to come into her room. We talked, and I

tried to calm her about her belief—obviously a delusion—that she had been

robbed. One thing led to another, and we soon ended up in bed. I asked several

times whether she wanted me there, whether she wanted me to make love to her.

She did, and we did, and an hour or two later while she was sleeping I went to my

room, got a few hours` sleep, and caught an early morning flight. Just before I got

on the plane I made an anonymous phone call to the hotel telling them that they

had a guest in room seven–twelve who might need medical attention.»

After a few moments of silence, Stuart added, «That`s it.»

«That`sit? ” asked Tony. «A well–soused, good–looking broad invites you

into her hotel room, and you give her what she`s asking for? Man, no way I`d pass

that up.»

«No, that`s notit !» said Stuart. «Itis that I was a physician and someone

sick, someone probably with incipient or full–blown alcoholic hallucinosis,

crossed my path, and I end up screwing her. That`s a violation of the Hippocratic

oath, a grievous offense, and I`ve never forgiven myself for it. I can`t let go of

that evening—it`s seared into my mind.»

«You`re too hard on yourself, Stuart,” said Bonnie. «This woman`s lonely,

in her cups, steps out in the hallway, sees an attractive younger man, and invites

him into her bed. She got just what she wanted, maybe what she needed. Probably

you did her a world of good. She probably considers that a lucky night.»

Others—Gill, Rebecca, Pam—were poised to speak, but Stuart preempted

them: «I appreciate what you guys are saying—I can`t tell you how many times

I`ve said similar things to myself—but I`m really, truly, not asking for

reassurance. What I wanted to do is just tell you about it, take this sordid act out

of so many years of darkness and into the light—that`s enough.»

Bonnie responded, «That`s good. It`s good you told us, Stuart, but this ties

in with something we`ve talked about before: your reluctance to accept help from

us. You`re terrific about giving help, not so good at letting us help you.»

«Maybe just doctor reflexes,” replied Stuart. «I had no med school courses

on being a patient.»

«Don`t you ever get to go off duty?» asked Tony. «I think you were off duty

that night in the Miami hotel. Midnight with a tipsy, horny broad—go for it, man,

get laid, enjoy yourself.»

Stuart shook his head. «A while ago I listened to a tape of the Dalai Lama

speaking to Buddhist teachers. One of them asked him about burnout and whether

they shouldn`t have some regularly scheduled off–duty time. The Dalai Lama`s

reply was priceless: Off duty? The Buddha says, ‘Sorry, I`m off duty!` Jesus is

approached by a sufferer and replies, ‘Sorry, I`m off duty today!` The Dalai Lama

giggles all the time, but he found this particular idea absolutely hilarious and

couldn`t stop laughing.»

«I`m not buying it,” said Tony. «I think you`re using your M.D. to avoid

life.»

«What I did in that hotel was wrong. No one will ever convince me

otherwise.»

Julius said, «Fourteen years ago and you can`t let it go. What about the

repercussions of this incident?»

«You mean besides self–excoriation and disgust?» said Stuart.

Julius nodded.

«I can tell you that I`ve been a damn good doctor, that I`ve never, not for an

instant, ever again violated the ethics of my profession.»

«Stuart, I decree that you`ve paid your debt,” said Julius. «Case closed.»

«Amen,” echoed several others.

Stuart smiled and crossed himself. «This takes me back to Sunday Mass

during my childhood. I feel like I`ve just come out of the confession booth

absolved.»

«Let me tell you a story,” said Julius. «Years ago in Shanghai I visited a

deserted cathedral. I`m an atheist, but I like visiting religious places—go figure.

Well, I walked around and then sat down in the confession booth, on the priest`s

side, and found myself envying the father confessor. What power he had! I tried

to mouth the words, ‘You are forgiven, my son, my daughter.` I imagined the

supreme confidence he enjoyed because he believed himself a vessel carrying the

cargo of forgiveness straight from the man upstairs. And how puny my own

techniques seemed in comparison. But later, after leaving the church, I came out

of it by reassuring myself that at least I was living according to principles of

reason and not infantilizing my patients by representing mythology as reality.»

After a short silence, Pam said to Julius, «You know what, Julius?

Something`s changed. You`re different from the way you were before I left.

Telling stories about your life, stating opinions on religious belief, whereas you

always avoided such things in the past. I gather it`s the effect of your illness, but,

nonetheless, I like it. I really like your being more personal.»

Julius nodded. «Thanks. That silence gave me a sinking feeling that I had

offended some religious sensibilities here.»

«Not mine, Julius, if you`re worried about me,” said Stuart. «Those polls

that say that ninety percent of Americans believe in God leave me bewildered. I

left the church in my teens, and if I hadn`t then, I would leave now after what`s

come out about priests and pedophilia.»

«Nor mine,” said Philip. «You and Schopenhauer have something in

common regarding religion. He believed the church leaders exploited man`s

ineradicable need for the metaphysical and that they infantilized the public and

dwelled themselves in a state of perpetual deception by refusing to confess they

had deliberately cloaked their truths in allegory.»

Philip`s comment interested Julius, but, noticing that only a few minutes

remained, he steered the group back to process. «A lot happened today. A lot of

risks were taken. Feelings? Some of you have been very quiet—Pam? Philip?»

«It hasn`t escaped me,” Philip said quickly, «that what has been revealed

here today, what has caused so much needless torment, for me, for others, flows

from the supreme and universal power of sex, which my other therapist,

Schopenhauer, taught me is absolutely inbuilt, or, as we would say today,

hardwired into us.

«I know many of Schopenhauer`s words about this since I`ve often cited

them in lectures. Let me quote a few: ‘[Sex is] the strongest and most active of all

motives.... It is the ultimate goal of almost all human effort. It...interrupts every

hour the most serious occupations, and sometimes perplexes...the greatest human

minds.` ‘Sex does not hesitate to intrude with its trash, and to interfere with...the

investigations of the learned—`”

«Philip, this is important stuff, but, before we stop today, try to speak

aboutyour feelings rather than Schopenhauer`s,” interrupted Julius.

«I`ll try, but let me continue—just one more last sentence: ‘Every day it

destroys the most valuable relationships. Indeed it robs of all conscience those

who were previously honorable and upright.`” Philip stopped. «That`s what I

wanted to say; I`m finished.»

«Haven`t heard feelings, Philip,” said Tony, grinning at the opportunity to

confront Philip.

Philip nodded. «Just dismay about how we poor mortals, we fellow

sufferers, are such victims of biology that we fill our lives with guilt about natural

acts as Stuart and Rebecca have done. And that we all have the goal of extricating

ourselves from the thralldom of sex.»

After a few moments of the customary silence following one of Philip`s

pronouncements, Stuart turned to Pam: «I`d sure like to hear from you today.

What do you feel about what I`ve laid on the group? You were on my mind when

I thought about confessing here. I`ve been thinking that I`ve put you in a tough

place because in a way you can`t forgive me without also forgiving Philip.»

«I feel as much respect for you as ever, Stuart. And don`t forget that I`m

sensitized to this issue. I was exploited by a doctor—Earl, my soon–to–be ex–husband, was my gynecologist.»

«Exactly,” said Stuart. «That compounds it. «How can you forgive me

without also forgiving both Philip and Earl?»

«Not true, Stuart. You`re a moral person—after listening to you today and

hearing of your remorse, I feel that way even more. And that incident in the

Miami hotel doesn`t grab me—ever readFear of Flying ?»

Seeing Stuart shake his head, Pam went on, «Take a look at the book. Erica

Jong would call what you had a simple ‘zipless fuck`; it was mutual, spontaneous

coupling, you were kind, no one got hurt, you took responsibility to make sure she

was okay afterward. And you`ve used the incident as a moral compass since then.

But Philip? What can one say about a man who models himself after Heidegger

and Schopenhauer? Of all philosophers who ever lived, those were the two who

were the most abject failures as human beings. What Philip did was unforgivable,

predatory, without remorse—”

Bonnie interrupted, «Hold on, Pam, did you notice that when Julius tried to

stop Philip, he absolutely insisted on one more sentence about sex robbing the

person of conscience and destroying relationships. I wonder, wasn`t that

something about remorse? And wasn`t that directed to you?»

«He has something to say? Let him say it to me. I don`t want to hear it from

Schopenhauer.»

«Let me butt in here,” said Rebecca. «I left the last meeting feeling bad for

you and for all of us, including Philip, who, let`s face it, has been pissed on here.

At home I starting thinking of Jesus`s remark about how he who is without sin

should cast the first stone—that`s got a lot to do with what I revealed today.»

«We`ve got to stop,” said Julius, «but, Philip, this is exactly what I was

fishing for when I asked you about your feelings.»

Philip shook his head in puzzlement.

«Have you understood that today you were given a gift by both Rebecca

and Stuart?»

Philip continued to shake his head. «I don`t understand.»

«That`s your homework assignment, Philip. I want you to meditate on the

gifts you were given today.»