The Warrior Challenged

4

I carried both sets of furs out of the camtah the next morning, already having folded them, wishing I was wearing them instead of simply carrying them. It was cold at that early hour, really cold, and everyone was feeling it. I, however, was also feeling something else, and for the life of me couldn’t understand why.

“Hai, calmly, good beast, calmly,” I suddenly heard from over near the seetarr, Dallan’s voice struggling to be soothing. The pack animal he was working on had rumbled warningly with a good deal of anger, and even l’lendaa walked carefully in the presence of an angry seetar. I headed over there to see what was going on, but was stopped before I could reach Dallan.

“Come no closer, wenda,” he warned me, giving the angry seetar all his attention, but nevertheless knowing I was there. “I have not the faintest notion what ails this beast, therefore are you to remain well away from him.”

“I have no need to approach the nearer,” I told Dallan, having stopped beside the barbarian’s giant black mount to put a hand to his sleek neck while he nuzzled at my hair. “The seetar is in discomfort from the last pack strap tightened, and wishes to be eased. I will soothe him, and then you may adjust the strap.”

I touched the angry animal with my mind, letting him feel more clearly the concern being put out by the man holding his lead so carefully, and he seemed to calm down almost immediately. His previous anger began puzzling him then, knowing as he did that the man he served would have adjusted the strap at the least sign of discomfort on his part, just as he had already done any number of times before. Dallan hesitated very briefly, his mind almost as puzzled as the seetar’s, then he immediately fixed the strap while the beast stood quietly and allowed it. As soon as that was done, he left the seetar to stop in front of me.

“What occurs here?” he demanded, dubiously eyeing the way the head of Tammad’s mount rose above mine with a soft rumble of warning meant to tell him to watch himself. “That seetar is one I have used as a pack beast ever since it was fully grown. For what reason would it come so near to being enraged with me, and for what reason does Tammad’s beast believe I would mean you harm? Why are the seetarr suddenly so strange?”

“The seetarr are not alone in being strange,” I said, automatically calming the big black standing over me as first Cinnan and then Tammad came to join our discussion. They’d seen what went on and had heard Dallan’s question, and were wearing frowns almost identical to his.

“What disturbs you, hama?” Tammad asked, looking down at me with real concern. “I am able to feel your disturbance, yet cannot make out the nature of it.”

“What disturbs me is that the depression I struggled beneath all of yesterday has again returned,” I told him, putting one hand to my head. “That there is no reason for such a feeling is more disturbing still, and I find myself growing angered at the same time. Perhaps what I feel is in some manner being passed to the seetarr.”

“That may perhaps be so,” he mused, looking down at me thoughtfully. “Shield your mind completely, so that we may see what, if any, results there are.”

“An excellent thought,” I said at once, and as soon as the decision was made my shield was there, cutting me off from the minds around me. Immediately, all six of the seetarr seemed to settle down, that indefinable air of tension draining away like water in dry sand. The big black standing over me like a giant guardsman sighed and lowered his head, then snorted a greeting to the man who usually meant so much to him. Immediately, the depression and anger I’d been feeling began easing off, obviously about to disappear altogether. I looked up at the barbarian ruefully, feeling like an idiot for not having thought of that myself, but there was no accusation in the grin he showed me, only a sort of wryness.

“It seems I am no longer the possessor of the facility with wendaa which once was mine,” he said, putting a gentle hand to my face. “Was this not so, your disturbance would have long since been replaced with pleasure.”

“Your clumsiness and ineptitude in the furs are well known among all wendaa who have been used by you,” I agreed soberly, remembering how wild he had gotten me the night before. “The fact remains, however, that with my shield in place, I am as undisturbed as the seetarr. It would please me to know what occurs here.”

“You, too, are no longer disturbed?” Dallan asked, rescuing me from the look I was getting from Tammad over my jocular reference to his abilities. “Then the seetarr were indeed unsettled through your mind. For what reason was your mind so unsettled?”

“I know not,” I told him honestly, then thought of one possibility. “Perhaps my misgivings over this journey have now magnified to the point of affecting me and those around me without my being aware of it. I certainly continue to feel them strongly enough.”

“Despite my assurances that your fears are unfounded?” Tammad asked, his expression its usual calm, but his eyes faintly annoyed. “Perhaps you had cause to feel so before we spoke, yet now . . . . ”

“The woman feared to accompany us?” Cinnan interrupted, his expression disturbed. “Had I known this when I requested her presence, Tammad, I would willingly have withdrawn the request. There was little need to . . .”

“Fears must be faced if they are to be conquered, Cinnan,” the barbarian interrupted in turn, trying to soothe the other man. “The wenda is now as well aware of this as we, and also must it be remembered that we may require her assistance in locating Aesnil. She does not accompany us on a whim. ”

“This entire matter continues to seem strange,” Dallan said, staring at the barely rising sun without seeing it. “Of what did the woman’s fears consist?”

“She feared that if she accompanied us there would be difficulty for us to face,” the barbarian answered, now definitely annoyed. “Likely the thought of a dark-haired, green-eyed wenda being taken among so many strange l’lendaa with none save three beside her disturbed her, yet is she no more than vaguely aware of the skill possessed by the three she so easily dismisses. Are you also of the opinion that there will be those who are able to take her from my side?”

“Certainly not,” Dallan said with a snort and a gesture of dismissal; then he moved his eyes back to me. “Is this the sole content of your fears, Terril? That there will be difficulty brought about by your presence?”

“Indeed, yet not for the proposed reason,” I said, sending the barbarian a glance filled with my own annoyance. “Had I remained behind the difficulty would not have touched youyet would you also not have found Aesnil. Damn!”

The last word, spoken in Centran, startled them all, but I was too furiously frustrated to care. I hadn’t known I was going to say that about Aesnil until the words were out, but now that I’d said it I could feel the truth of it. If I didn’t go they’d never find Aesnil, and that despite the fact that I’d never had any intention of helping them. If I kept getting these flashes of bits and pieces it would eventually drive me crazy-even if I survived whatever was ahead of me. I hugged the furs I was holding with a strength fierce enough to strangle whatever was doing that to me, then became aware of the stares from three pairs of eyes.

“And what leads you to believe, wenda, that my Aesnil will never be found should you not accompany us?” Cinnan asked, looking at me oddly. “She is Chama of Grelana, and well aware of the position. Do you believe she would forsake her people—and the man whose bands she wears-forever?”

“I-feel that she would eventually return, yet not in a manner you would wish,” I said, groping for the right words. “I do not mean to upset you, Cinnan, yet what comes to me comes by itself, at its own pace and in its own time. I know of it in the same manner I know that Aesnil rides to Vediaster, yet beyond that?”

My shrug really annoyed him, his expression making me glad that my shield was tightly closed, but there was nothing any of us could do to change things. All three of the men were dissatisfied with what I’d said, and that made four of us. Standing around discussing it any more would have been a waste of time, though, so we quickly broke camp and moved on.

The only difference between that day and the day before was the presence of sleeping furs draped handily across saddles, and the fact that Tammad sat me sideways in front of him instead of astride behind him. Sitting that way let me hold my own fur around me while the barbarian kept me from falling off, and also made my legs and feet warmer. As soon as I was settled we started off with Cinnan leading again and Dallan following, and once we’d picked up the road pace, I could feel two eyes looking down at me.

“So your presence has now become necessary,” the barbarian mused, his tone almost as odd as Cinnan’s had been. “Had you not accompanied us, we would not be able to find Aesnil. ”

“Believe me, I didn’t plan it that way,” I assured him, moving against the two arms holding me to his chest. “I’m going to turn just a little so that I’m leaning against you with my back instead of my front. Watching where we’re going might ease the monotony just a little.”

“The situation is not of your choosing, yet do you seem little disturbed by it,” he said, his arms tightening just a small bit to keep me from moving as I wanted to. “in truth your appearance seems one of pleasure, to find that your importance has grown so considerably.”

I looked up at him then, to see those eyes on me rather than just feel them, but I couldn’t quite read the expression in them.

“I hadn’t looked at it that way, but I think you’re right,” I conceded, suddenly feeling better than I had. “Not only am I not extra baggage, we now know you three can’t get along without me. Maybe the next thing I’ll find out is that I don’t need l’lenda lessons, but can give them.”

I grinned at the thought, not much believing in the possibility but liking the way it sounded, then noticed that my grin wasn’t being shared. My memabrak still wore the same expression he’d been wearing a moment ago, but now there seemed to be faint amusement behind it.

“And what were you told concerning the place of a wenda?” he asked, the amusement in him doing nothing to soften his stare or take the decisiveness out of his tone. “A wenda who is not and shall not be considered l’lenda.”

“It isn’t my fault if things aren’t turning out the way you want them to,” I retorted, still feeling very comfortable. “I didn’t make the decision to be important, it just happened, and if someone’s meant to be important there’s nothing you can do about it. Now, will you please loosen your hold a little so I can turn around?”

“Release my hold upon one who is meant to be so important?” he asked, brows raised high in feigned surprise. “Never would Cinnan forgive me if I were to do such a thing, and risk the one who will enable him to recover his woman. You must be kept safe, wenda, for the destiny which is yours.”

“But I want to see where we’re going,” I insisted, finding it impossible to struggle while wrapped inside that fur. “Tammad, let me go.”

“I shall not,” he answered, and I could swear he was just short of laughing out loud. “Great importance calls for equally great strength to bear the load, therefore shall you require a good deal of rest to gather that strength. You will have that rest during this journey, hama, for that you have my word.”

“You wouldn’t!” I wailed, suddenly understanding what he was up to, but it was much too late. Held between his arms and wrapped in a fur, all I’d get to see of what was around us would be his chest and arm and any rock or tree that rose above his shoulder. I was being punished for trying to step out of my place, and I couldn’t decide if this punishment was better or worse than getting strapped. Just sitting there and staring at nothing is so boring.

Despite the fact that the sun rose higher and higher, the air around us kept getting colder and colder. After a while all three of the men drew their furs around them, but we didn’t stop while they did it. The cold was so intense we were almost able to see our own breath, something I’d heard it was possible to do on the planet Medrin. Happily Medrin had never needed Mediating by a Prime, so I’d never had to see that for myself. The road continued upward and we followed the road, and all there was was movement and cold.

And boredom. I was furious with the barbarian for punishing me like that, but what can a normal-sized person do when an overgrown monster says no and sticks to it? Just once I’d tried looking over my shoulder instead of actually turning around, but a quiet, “Wenda,” had put an immediate end to that idea. If I tried getting out of that particular punishment, there was always another one that could be substituted for it, one that would make the hard leather saddle I half-sat on a lot harder and more difficult to bear. So I sat between the Barbarian’s supporting arms with my fur held around me, leaning against his chest, and simply sulked.

But sulking is boring too, especially when no one cares that you’re sulking. There was absolutely nothing to do-except try to find out what was affecting my mind. I brightened immediately when I thought of that, but didn’t rush into dissolving my shield. I find no attraction in depression even as an alternate to boredom, and now that I was rid of that horribly flattening emotion, I didn’t care to invite it back.

The first order of business was to think about what had been happening to me; considering the fact that I neither really knew nor understood any of it, that wasn’t an easy chore. I’d told Dallan that my upset over the trip might have been causing the trouble, but after thinking about it that didn’t make any sense. If that were so, shielding my mind would have stopped the seetarr from being upset, but it wouldn’t have done the same for me. I was locked inside with my fears and apprehensions, but all I felt was bored and rebellious. No, nothing inside me could have caused the depression, so where had it come from?

The only logical alternative had to be an outside source. I freed one hand from the furs and ran a finger back and forth over the soft, thick material of Tammad’s shirt at rib height, trying to think of an outside source that could have been affecting me. It wasn’t the people around me as none of them had been feeling depressed, and the only animals in mental reach had been the seetarr. It was possible the seetarr had been picking up my emotions and echoing them back to me in a reinforcing pattern that increased their strength, but that still didn’t feel exactly right. There was something else involved, something I just wasn’t seeing, something I might never see. For all I knew the mountain rock all around was doing the echoing, bouncing my output all around and intensifying it, affecting me and the seetarr but not the three men, two of whom were latents with correspondingly less sensitivity, and the last one who tended to shield his mind automatically with a cloud of calm. It didn’t make much sense that way either, but none of what was happening made sense. As a possibility it was a definite possibility, and if it turned out to be true there was something that might keep it from happening again. The curtain that had developed when I needed it was designed to keep outside thoughts and distractions away from my working mind, but it also might be able to keep all but deliberate projections on the inside. It was definitely worth a try, and if it didn’t work I could always shield again.

I worked for a few minutes at feeling a need for that curtain, then gritted my teeth and let my shield dissolve. At first I wasn’t sure if my deliberate need had done the job, and then I became aware of what was being felt around me, but filtered as though through a heavy veil. Cinnan was lost in thoughts that were half anxious and half angry, Dallan was relaxed but also busy with mental exercise, and the seetarr were almost as bored as I was. With the curtain in place, I was protected from the world but not cut off from it the way being shielded accomplished, and apparently the world was also protected from me. The rock walls towered over us quietly, the seetarr were unaffected, and I felt nothing of incipient depression. The grand experiment was a success, and now I was free to look around.

At absolutely nothing. The emotions all around were about as exciting as the scenery, and that included the big barbarian who held me. He was back to plotting and planning with only a small portion of his attention set to make sure I obeyed him, his awareness of my leaning against him closed away at the back of his mind. For a minute I seriously considered experimenting to pass the time, but without Len or Garth there that wasn’t a very good idea. From previous experience I knew there were less painful ways of committing suicide than tampering with involuntary volunteers, and I no longer had the depression as a goad toward permanent ending. All I had was boredom, which doesn’t produce the wish for death, only the eager hope that something that exciting might happen.

More than half the morning was gone before I realized that it wasn’t getting any colder, and we weren’t climbing higher. In point of fact we were angled downward after a short time of moving on the level, but I hadn’t noticed it sooner because I wasn’t watching the road. The thought that we were now coming down out of the pass excited me, but how long can such heart-stopping excitement last? It tends to fade at the first realization that going down is just like going up as far as interesting happenings is concerned, which is to say no different at all. Time dragged and dragged and dragged, and falling asleep was a positively uplifting experience.

I awoke to find that the cold had definitely lessened, and we were stopping by the side of the road. Once again the sun had already passed its zenith, but this time Dallan wasn’t worrying about his stomach. All three of the men were relieved that they could get rid of the furs they’d wrapped themselves in, but being big and brave and strong was their specialty, not mine. I intended keeping my fur until I had to fight for it, or until we got back to where it was really warm. And then I realized that the men were warm, which was more than annoying; how could they be warm when I wasn’t?

Tammad dismounted with the others, then came around the seetar to lift me down to the ground. He was feeling satisfied and again faintly amused, so I stuck my tongue out at him to let him know how I felt. He grinned as he put me down and his mind chuckled, showing he wasn’t feeling a single trace of regret.

“Were you pleased with the punishment you were given?” he asked very softly, his right hand holding to the saddle as he looked down at me. When I shook my head with complete ill grace, he tapped me on the nose. “Should that be so, you would have been well advised to consider your actions more carefully, then. Such a show of disrespect has now earned you more of it.”

“You can’t mean that!” I protested, horrified at the thought of more endless hours of absolutely nothing to do. As he had already turned away I discovered that I was talking to his retreating back, so I pulled my fur tighter and hurried after him. “Tammad, please, I’ll go crazy! People will start noticing if you drag a crazy woman around, and you’ll never find Aesnil. She’ll hear about us before we get anywhere near, and she’ll hide!”

The miserable barbarian stopped short and started to laugh, real, true amusement, putting his hands to his hips as he threw his head back and roared. Cinnan and Dallan smiled as they watched him, faintly amused but not really understanding what was going on. I’d spoken in Centran rather than Rimilian, unthinkingly excluding them, but they weren’t left out of it long. As soon as my sweet memabrak regained partial control of himself he explained what had happened then translated what I’d said, and then all three of them were busy laughing. The seetarr were quietly puzzled about what was going on, but I was too disgusted to care even if they went enraged. It’s always been the object of my existence to become a laughingstock.

There was a good bit of cold, unhappy-looking grass on the side of the road where we’d stopped, so I followed it back uphill away from the jolly threesome having so much fun. My thoughts were so black that they probably would have shriveled the grass if they’d been uncurtained, but I wasn’t feeling depressed. Furiously embarrassed and rebellious and mad as hell, yes; depressed, no.

I stopped to stare at a section of that rocky, widened road I hadn’t been allowed to look at on the way down, but I didn’t get to stand there staring for long. After a couple of minutes a hand appeared over my shoulder holding a piece of dimral, the standard pre-cooked trail fare for those traveling on Rimilia, and I was too hungry not to take it. Breakfast had been the same dimral warmed in a small fire, but that had been a lot of hours earlier. I looked at the chunk before starting to eat it, then found that the meal wasn’t fated to be a silent one.

“I fear, wenda, that you grow ever more detrimental to the behavior and thoughts of l’lendaa,” the barbarian said, accusingly. “I should not have laughed at your words as though I had not been shown disrespect, nor should the others have found a matching amusement. The place you stand in is not the place of a proper wenda. ”

“If you’re telling me I’m corrupting you, it serves you right,” I said around a mouthful, looking at nothing but the meat I held. “It isn’t fair punishing me again just because you can. ”

“The punishment will be for disrespect, not to exhibit ability, Terril,” he corrected, taking a bite of his own dimral. “No man need accept disrespect from his woman.”

“But a woman has to accept it from a man?” I countered, the disgust I’d felt earlier growing. “And don’t try to tell me men are usually polite to women on this world. Being polite has nothing to do with giving respect.”

“One receives respect when one is able to command it,” he said with a sigh, almost as patient as he sounded. “Also must one have the ability to give punishment when that respect is not forthcoming, with a sword or with a switch. When once that ability is yours, hama, then may you demand respect as I do.”

“You-don’t think I have the ability to punish disrespect?” I asked with sudden interest, turning slowly to look at him. “You think that not using an ability is the same as not having it?”

“Do not be foolish, wenda,” he scoffed, looking down at me with that expression that translated as stern. “How often must you pit yourself against me before learning that I shall not be bested?”

“How often?” I repeated, giving him a bright smile. “Again and again until I win—or die trying. I won’t use my abilities against you unless you agree that I can—I have learned that anything else would be dishonorable. But if you do agree, I’m free to do anything I please—and can-until it’s clear that one of us has won. If I’m the winner, you’ll give me the respect I want without my having to demand it.”

“And should I stand victorious?” he asked, trying to hide his renewed amusement as he looked down at me. “I, too, must have the fruits of victory, which will be no less than the following: the wenda who attempted to overstep herself will be taken and strapped by the man to whom she belongs, and that before the others they journey with. In their presence will she be taught humility, and then will she need to beg forgiveness from the man she wronged. Do you accept this condition?”

“But that’s totally unfair!” I protested, instantly upset to see that he fully intended collecting on his “condition” if he won. “How am I supposed to concentrate on what I’m doing with that hanging over my head?”

“One who has the ability to accomplish a thing is able to exercise that ability no matter the attempts of others to halt him,” he replied, still looking down at me with amusement. “Does a l’lenda wield his sword because he had been allowed to do so? Does he seek the permission of his wenda before switching her?”

“Why do you always have to be right?” I demanded, looking up at him with all the annoyance and exasperation I was feeling. “I won’t have real control over what I can do until I can do it against any and all opposition. You’re absolutely and perfectly right. Now all I have to do is figure out how to accomplish that.”

“While attempting to find victory in our wager,” he said finishing off the last of his dimral. “Perhaps such wagering would best be left to another time.”

“Will you hold off on punishing me until that other time?” I asked feeling considerably more comfortable with the thought of challenge by appointment than by spontaneous occurrence.

“Certainly not,” he said with a faint grin, getting a good deal of enjoyment out of explaining the rules of the game to the novice. “One receives what one has earned, whether it be respect for abilities or punishment for disrespect. Till now you have earned no more than punishment, wenda. ”

“So it’s do or die,” I summed up even more annoyed by all that enjoyment he was feeling, then took another bite of dimral as I shrugged. “Then we might as well get on with it. If I’m going to be punished anyway, there’s no sense in not providing a real reason for it.”

Some of his satisfaction thinned at that comment, but he was too filled with self-confidence to be really worried. He nodded his calm acceptance to my challenge, then turned and led the way back down to the others. Cinnan and Dallan had found rocks to sit on while they ate, and they looked up at Tammad when he stopped not far from them.

“My wenda has come to the decision that she would have the respect normally given only to l’lendaa,” he announced, his tone so free of ridicule that it was the next thing to grave. “In order to justify such a desire, she will exhibit her ability to punish insolence and disrespect. She has been given my permission to touch me with her power as she wills.”

Cinnan and Dallan made no vocal comments to what they’d been told, but as Tammad moved to one of the pack seetarr the glance they exchanged was more than eloquent. They both found the thought of my request highly amusing, about on a par with seeing a small child trying to bend a bow three times his own height. They hadn’t missed the point that I’d been given permission to touch Tammad’s mind, and as amused as they were, I was twice as furious. Although he wouldn’t have looked at it that way the barbarian was cheating, trying to make me subconsciously believe that whatever happened was happening because he was allowing it. That meant it would also have to stop when he wanted it to, and would never quite get bad enough to really bother him. With restrictions like that, even unconscious ones, I’d have about as much chance at winning as that child would have to bend the bow three times his own height. But I would win because I had to win; honor and dignity demanded no less.

Even as I opened the fur I’d been holding around me and let it drop to the ground, I felt a faint surprise at the calm detachment which had flowed over me in spite of my previous anger. I should have been sputtering in outrage instead of quietly watching Tammad take another piece of dimral from the pack before turning away from it, trying to argue with words instead of waiting for him to establish his own ground between Cinnan and Dallan. He was going to give me enough opportunity to make an absolute fool of myself before calling a halt to the attempt, let me know finally and without argument that I had no right to anything beyond what he was willing to grant me. I watched him getting ready to sit down, and felt no doubt about what I had to do.

The first step was gathering everything I’d felt during that strapping I’d been given, the dismay and humiliation and pain and sense of being punished by someone very much stronger than myself. I’d done something like that once before to the barbarian, but I hadn’t been able to put much strength into the projection or hold it for long. This time there was no lack of strength to worry about, no uncertainty or doubt as to whether I was doing the right thing; I took the punishment and sharpened its edges, then gave it to the man who refused to accord someone respect without being forced into it.

“Aiii!” he shouted in shock, dropping the meat he held and throwing himself forward to hands and knees. I’d timed the projection to match his movements exactly, and just as he’d lowered himself into contact with the grass I’d given it to him all at once. His mind had been braced against every thing and anything, confidently prepared to resist any sort of attack, but he was still thinking in terms of the physical even when he knew only the mental was involved. He was sure beyond doubt that I couldn’t touch or hurt him physically, and tended to forget that all too often what our minds felt was precisely what our bodies would feel.

“You have now been punished for failing to give me the respect I mean to have,” I told him in Rimilian, the words so calm they should have put him to sleep. “You may not attempt to deny me again.”

“May I not, wenda,” he growled as he glared up at me, his anger rising and growing hotter when he found he could neither throw off the effects of my continuing projection nor shield his mind against it. Dallan and Cinnan stared with frowns indicating their lack of understanding as he began forcing himself to his feet, his mind determined to do something to end what was happening to him. He made it erect with his teeth bared against what he was feeling, his face red from embarrassment, and then he was moving toward me, furious and unstoppable.

Or unstoppable as far as he was concerned. I waited right where I was until he reached me, until he stretched his big hands out to grab me by the arms. He was going to shake me until I lost the concentration necessary for projection, and then he was going to collect the spoils of his victory. His furious hands came to me and began closing on my arms, and that was when I split my projection, in a way I’d never done before. Even as I kept the original projection going I also gave him the sense of touching something so hot that skin would blister and peel and blacken if contact was made and continued. He pulled his hands away from me with a hiss, his mind clanging with shock and pure disbelief, and then he had backed two steps, hugging his hands under his arms in an effort to stop the flaming pain. He was bewildered and suddenly filled with uncertainty, his blue eyes staring at me in a very strange way, and then the determination in him surged through everything else. There was only one thing left to do, and he was going to do it.

Despite the pain he felt he reached one hand behind him, and when it came forward it was holding a dagger. I could see that he had no intentions of hurting me with it, but he was remembering the last time I’d challenged him publicly, the time I’d tried facing him with exactly that weapon. I’d been afraid of the dagger, too afraid to do more than collapse in hysterics when he’d jumped at me with a shout, but fear right then did not affect me. He grasped the hilt as tightly as he could, denying as much of the pain as possible, gathering himself to leap at me with a shout—but I was ready first.

Vertigo is a terrible affliction, one that robs people of all sense of balance, all knowledge of where the ground is and where they are in relation to that ground. It spins them dizzily around with the terrible fear of falling, and sends them down even when they’re not sure where down is. Tammad cried out in a strangled voice, dropping the dagger as he staggered backward, his mind lost and helpless in the overpowering maelstrom, unaware of Dallan and Cinnan jumping to their feet even as he fell. The two Rimilians shouted in dismay as he collapsed, understanding nothing of what had gone on between us, and then the pain of Tammad’s hitting the ground reached me. It wasn’t pain I had fooled his mind into believing in, it was real pain, affecting him strongly because of the confusion and helplessness he was lost in. The detachment and calm I’d been held by broke instantly then, like a bubble, and I suddenly knew just what I had done.

“No!” I screamed, running forward to drop to my knees beside the barbarian and throw my arms around his face and head. “I didn’t mean it, I didn’t, please don’t be hurt! Please, hamak, please don’t be hurt!”

“Terril, you must release him or he will not be able to breathe,” Dallan said from behind me, then tried gently to make me stop hugging Tammad’s face to me. When he found I was holding on too tight for gentleness he switched to strength, and disengaged my arms from around the throat they clung to. Then he pulled me back through the grass despite the way I was trying to struggle, to let Cinnan crouch down on the spot where I’d been kneeling. I heard a groan as Tammad raised his hands to his head, heard Cinnan speaking to him quietly, but paid no attention to what was being said. For the sake of a stupid bet I’d hurt the man I loved, caused him pain and hadn’t given a damn that I was doing it. I was so low I didn’t deserve his love, and after what I’d put him through probably no longer even had it. I put my head to the ground and hid it in my arms, already mourning the loss of something I didn’t deserve to have. If I’d done anything serious to him I would kill myself, and nothing and no one would be able to stop me.

I don’t know how long it was before Tammad was able to pull himself together, but the time wasn’t a minute or two and both Cinnan and Dallan had to help him. I kept my mind away from all of them with my curtain in place, my back to the three as I sat with my face in my hands, too miserable to feel the cold. Why couldn’t you simply have done it his way’? I kept demanding of myself. Why did you have to develop delusions of pride and ruin everything’? The match was too impossible for it to last very long, but why couldn’t you have let it continue more than a matter of days? Is a month of happiness too useless a commodity to buy with excess baggage like overstuffed pride and a twisted joke of a sense of honor? Honor! You wouldn’t know the meaning of honor if it came up and spit in your eye.

“You seem completely unhurt, my friend,” Cinnan said, obviously talking to Tammad. “Perhaps it would be best if you were to rise to your feet and walk about a short while.”

“Slowly and with our assistance,” Dallan amended as a grunt came amid the sounds of movement. “Are you able to speak now of what occurred?”

“I am not yet sure of what occurred,” the barbarian answered, sounding as though he had just been through a fight lasting hours. “The woman-gave me her concept of fitting punishment for disrespect, and when I attempted to seize her and put an end to it, I found I could not. Her flesh was more painful to touch than the flames of a cooking fire, and I could not hold to her. I then recalled her fear of weapons and thought to startle and frighten her with my dagger, yet when I made the attempt a—a great dizziness came over me, so great that I could not remain erect. All sight and sound abandoned me and in their places were a whirling and roaring, twisting me about and swallowing me. I recall naught from the time of its onset to the time it faded.”

The barbarian sounded so bewildered and confused that Dallan and Cinnan said nothing, building a silence that grew larger the longer it went on. I could hear their footsteps behind me as they all walked about, trying to help Tammad shake off the last of the dizziness, feeling not the least urge to uncover my eyes and turn to look at them. That was twice now that I’d been taken over by that calm detachment, and it came to me that I no longer had to search for the control I needed to handle my abilities even under attack. The detached calm seemed to be an ability in its own right, a tool to use to get the most out of the rest of my abilities. Its existence was quite a momentous discovery-for anyone who didn’t mind being totally dehumanized while under its influence. I found it horrifying and sickening, but not wanting it would not make it go away. None of it would go away, not ever, no matter how terrible it got to be. I was a monster growing more monstrous by the day, and nothing I could do would cause it to stop.

“So, wenda, it seems you have at last bested me,” the barbarian’s voice came abruptly, stronger now and more neutral than anything else. “You must allow me to offer my congratulations. ”

“Thank you,” I answered without taking my hands from my eyes, wondering how I could continue living with everything inside me cut to ribbons by his words. “The accomplishment was certainly one to take great pride in.”

“A clear demonstration of ability must ever engender pride in the doer as well as respect in observers,” he said, as though he were commenting on the presence of rock all around us. “The respect you demanded is yours, wenda, and now it is time that we continue on.”

I heard his footsteps take him away toward the seetarr, and really could have laughed. I’d earned the respect I’d wanted, and all I’d had to give up for it was his love. I took my hands away from my face to rub at my arms, suddenly very aware of the cold, stony grass I sat on. I’d had the respect of those around me for most of my life, but I’d never known what it felt like to be loved. To be respected is a very fine thing, but to be loved is a feeling that’s nearly indescribable. To know that you mean something to someone, that his eyes will light up when you appear, that the love you feel for him is matched and returned-that if you should die it would make a difference. To die is not particularly upsetting, everyone gets to do it at one time or another, but to die all alone, with no one to care—I’d always believed that the loneliness would be unbearable, that there would be an awareness of it even after the brain generating the awareness of mind no longer functioned. Once again I’d gotten what I wanted, the respect I’d felt I couldn’t do without, and I couldn’t say I hadn’t earned it. I’d earned it, all right, and everything else besides.

“We prepare to depart, Terril,” Dallan said, stopping to my right with Cinnan a few steps behind him. “You had best rise to your feet now, and go to Tammad.”

“I do not mean to continue on with you, Dallan,” I answered, making no effort to look up at him, unsurprised by the decision I’d made without knowing it. “I will remain here a while before beginning the journey back.”

“Wenda, you cannot remain in these mountains alone,” Dallan protested, seeing nothing of the way the barbarian paused briefly in what he was doing near his pack seetar before continuing. He’d heard what I’d said, but he no longer cared enough even to consider arguing with me.

“And to return alone would be impossible.” Cinnan added his contribution, coming forward to stand beside Dallan. “You would have no shelter and no food, no seetar to ride and no protection. You must continue on with us.”

“I cannot,” I said, still looking at nothing but their feet and legs, wishing they would hurry through their token protests and then leave me alone. There was a terrible loneliness waiting for me, but I was abruptly in something of a hurry to get started with it.

“The woman may ride with you, Dallan,” the barbarian put in without turning, still completely wrapped up in what he was doing. “As you and she are helid, there should be little objection to the arrangement.”

“You wish her to ride with me?” Dallan responded, the surprise in his voice covering all traces of the reluctance he surely felt. “For what reason is she not to remain with you?”

“Best would be that she become accustomed to being with others,” the barbarian answered, finally finishing with the pack beast and moving toward his mount. “In preparation for the unbanding, of course.”

He swung up into the saddle and immediately moved out toward the road, continuing on down without a single backward look. I thought of all the times I’d wanted him to do that, all the times I’d wanted him to be willing to unband me. I hadn’t known it would be so easy to accomplish; all I’d had to do was want his bands with every cell in my body.

“I have no understanding of what occurs here,” Cinnan said, sounding vaguely annoyed. “Ever have I considered myself a man of adequate intelligence, yet do I fail to grasp what now occurs about me. Perhaps I have been robbed of the intelligence I thought was mine.”

“Should that be so, then the malady you suffer from is mine as well,” Dallan returned, frowning sternly. “I, too, have no understanding of what occurs, yet do I mean to know. Up on your feet, wenda, and come with me. As you have been left in my charge, you will ride with me till we camp for the darkness.”

“I have already said I will no longer accompany this party,” I told him, finding that my right fingers had gone to my left wristband. “Do you believe he will be insulted if I retain his bands for a short while longer?”

“Terril, I cannot fathom his intent to unband you,” Dallan said with puzzlement tinged with hurt, crouching so that he might put his hand to my face. “Was there a thing that passed between you which Cinnan and I are unaware oft”

“You saw what passed between us,” I said, finding no comfort in the touch of his hand as I once might have. “As he said, I bested him; is it any wonder he no longer feels love for me? I have become a monster in his eyes, the monster I am in truth. Best would be that you leave me now, for monsters are well known for turning on those nearest them without provocation. I would not wish to see you harmed.”

I got to my feet and walked away from his stare, back uphill to where I’d stood when I’d decided I couldn’t live without respect. The sun was trying hard to warm everything beneath it, but its efforts were as weak and inadequate as mine. I’d been trying for a small taste of life beside the man I loved; I hadn’t thought the taste would be quite that small.

“Terril, your words hold no meaning for us,” Dallan protested, and from the sound of his voice I could tell he’d foolishly followed me. “We have no fear that you will cause us harm.”

“You are fools, then,” I said, turning abruptly to look at him. Dallan stood perhaps three or four feet away, Cinnan a couple of feet behind him, and with the slope of the ground neither one of them stood as high above me as he usually did. “Wise men never fail to fear monsters, and take themselves from them as quickly as possible. Would you prefer to be harmed?”

“You see yourself as something objectionable because of the skill you exhibited?” Dallan asked, showing no insult at being called a fool. “Because of the power which was shown, we are now to consider you a monster?”

“Should that be so, you must consider us the same,” Cinnan put in, coming forward to stand beside Dallan. “For what reason do you fail to show fear of us’?”

The two of them were staring straight at me, their blue eyes showing no attempt at evasion, no indication that they weren’t speaking the absolute truth. I could see that even with my shield closed, the shield I’d closed as soon as Tammad had mounted up and ridden away, but what I couldn’t see was what they were getting at.

“I fail to understand the meaning of your words,” I said, looking from one to the other. “You are neither of you monsters, therefore is there scarcely a need to fear you.”

“You believe there are none upon this world who fear l’lendaa?” Dallan asked, his tone as sober as it had been, his manner as unrelenting. “A l’lenda is one with skill in battle, one whose sword skill sets him apart. For what reason do you not tremble in fear against the possibility of my drawing my sword and striking you down?”

“You-would not do such a thing,” I answered, upset by how grim the two of them looked. “To be l’lenda is to be possessed of honor, and honor would not permit the striking down of one who was unarmed. You cannot be thought of as monsters simply because of the skill you possess.”

“And yet you would have us see you so for the same reason,” Dallan pursued, taking a step forward. “You are a monster who might easily cause us harm, therefore are we to fear you. Strike then, monster, for we do not fear you, nor do we mean to leave you be.”

“Indeed,” said Cinnan, also stepping closer. “Strike, monster, and end us with your skill and power.”

I looked at the two of them, trying their best to deny what I’d said, knowing they really were fools. All I had to do was lower my shield and reach out to them, and they’d know the same thing. I wanted to raise my head defiantly and show them how wrong they were, but for some reason I couldn’t. I felt very small and very hurt, and I just couldn’t do that to anyone again. I looked at them one last time with my fingers to my wristband, then simply and silently turned away. I meant to continue on up the trail, but a big hand came to my shoulder to stop me.

“You will not cause us harm for the same reason we would not harm you, wenda,” Dallan said, his voice now grown softer. “As you are unarmed before us, so are we before you. You, too, have a sense of honor which disallows unprovoked attack. ”

“Do not speak that word to me!” I snapped, pulling away from his hand before whirling to face him. “It was the pursuit of honor which caused me to do as I did, and brought about the loss I now face! Of what use is such a thing as honor, when it brings only pain and loss?”

“It was not honor which caused your loss, sister,” Dallan said, still looking at me soberly. “The true cause continues to remain beyond our understanding, yet was it certainly not honor. ”

“Perhaps-it was no other thing,” Cinnan said slowly, his eyes focused inward with thought, one finger rubbing absently at his face. “To be defeated is no easy thing to accept, least of all for one who is denday. To be defeated by a woman would cut most deeply, and despite his strength Tammad is no more than a man. Perhaps his pride and sense of honor have been wounded.”

“Such a possibility had not occurred to me,” Dallan admitted with a frown, considering the suggestion. “Should your thought be truth, what are we to do?”

“There is naught to do,” I answered before Cinnan could speak, feeling even worse than I had. “His love for me has turned to hatred, clearly shown in his intention to unband me. How great a fool I was, to thoughtlessly cause such a thing.”

I looked down in misery at the band I was stroking, nearly sick to my stomach because of the stupid thing I’d done, but Dallan made a sound of annoyance.

“You must cease this wallowing in accusation and self-pity, wenda,” he said, bringing my startled attention to a pair of equally annoyed eyes. “No matter the pleasure you derive from it, you must recall that your challenge to Tammad was accepted—and accepted with amusement. All of us have known defeat at one time or another, yet were we scarcely to be found sulking about at the audacity of the one who defeated us. One does not dare to find victory over another, one merely finds it; victory itself is the justification for challenge.”

“And a man must truly be a fool to believe he will find victory in a battle in which another’s skill far exceeds his own,” Cinnan put in, looking almost as annoyed as Dallan. “The drin Dallan and I have both experienced your power, and in no manner would we consider accepting a challenge with the weapon of the mind. I, at least, had not at first seen the matter in such a light, yet is it all too obvious when thought upon. Despite Tammad’s newly discovered abilities, he should not have thought himself able to best you.”

“Clearly has memory of the battle you fought in the resting place of the Sword escaped him,” Dallan said with a nod of agreement. “The strength required to best a man in such a way must truly be great, yet did he assume that His own strength was greater. Above all things ; l’lenda must be confident, yet not to the extent of foolishness.”

“But it was not my place to humiliate him,” I protested, beginning to feel very confused. “His skill with a sword is far greater than mine, yet he made no effort to humiliate me by giving challenge in such a way. It was thoughtless and inconsiderate of me to do what he would not.”

“Did you at any time deny recognition, of his skill?” Dallan asked, still not very happy with me. “In the absence of denial, he had no cause to give you challenge. Your skill, however, was indeed denied, therefore was challenge the sole avenue left open to you. To prove one’s skit is not the same as giving deliberate humiliation.”

“Then-he had no true cause to punish me,” I said, struggling to break free of the confusion. “His punishment was a denial of my skill.”

“No, wenda, you fail to grasp the point,” Cinnan said with a sigh of forced patience. “As you wear Tammad’s bands, it is his duty to give you punishment. Even should he know he will be struck down for it, he is bound to make the attempt. His error lay in refusing to acknowledge your skill, a skill we are all of us well aware of.”

“Then you believe I should continue to be punished, no matter the power I have exhibited,” I said, staring at Cinnan while exasperation added to the confusion. “You see no reason for such a doing to be discontinued.”

“Certainly not,” Cinnan agreed, his attitude firm and without a trace of doubt. “The skill you possess demands and merits the respect of men, yet do you continue to be wenda. You, too, must give respect, and obedience as well, else may you confidently look forward to punishment.”

He turned then to say something to Dallan, but I was too upset to bother listening. I turned around and wandered away from them, my mind spinning and my emotions flying in all directions at once. Rimilian men were impossible, every one of them, and I couldn’t understand how they could think that way. They were willing to give me respect for my abilities, but beyond that would give nothing at all. I was a female, a wenda. and punishment season was always open.

I was trying to stomp through the unhappy grass, but the stones were hurting my feet and another thought suddenly came to stop my upward progress. What about Tammad’? He was right to be upset with me for hurting him, but was Dallan just as right’? He hadn’t only accepted my challenge he’d added a side bet, and then he’d tried to win by cheating. When he lost he rode away to sulk, too put out over his defeat to even stay around and talk about it. And why had he said he was going to unband me? Was that the extent of the love I’d thought was so deep and endless?

“Come, Terril, I will explain the decision Cinnan and I have agreed on as we ride,” Dallan called, looking up toward me where I stood. “We must find the reasons for Tammad’s actions, and you will assist us.”

“How much clearer might his actions be?” I asked, reluctantly moving downhill toward him. “He no longer wishes me in his bands.”

“Should his defeat be the sole reason for this, you will be well rid of him,” Dallan stated, taking my arm as I reached him, his eyes hard. “When a man feels true love for a woman, he will forgive her anything, even superiority in some matter. Should his pride be too sensitive to allow this, he is best left alone with that pride.”

I was then gently propelled toward the seetarr, Dallan’s heavy annoyance aimed elsewhere than at me. Cinnan seemed to be shaking his head in disgust, but also not with me. I bent briefly to retrieve the fur I’d dropped before continuing on to the mounts, but I was now almost as upset as I had been earlier. At some point my shield had dissolved to leave nothing but the curtain, and the grim determination filling both of the men made me very uneasy.

It wasn’t long before we were back on the road, and I rode astride in front of Dallan, the fur wrapped around me. Although the cold had begun to get a grip on me again I hadn’t wanted the fur, but Dallan had refused to let me ride without it. His arms around me kept me in the saddle while I held to the fur, and this time I had no trouble seeing where we were going. Downhill was where we were going, ever downhill, without any sign of Tammad’s passage that I could see. I kept having the feeling that he would keep going rather than stop at some point, and I would never see him again. I didn’t expect things to ever be the same between us, but I couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing him a final time.

The sun was nearly gone before we found the place Tammad had chosen for a campsite. Cinnan and Dallan had been growing more and more annoyed the longer we had to ride, and the sight of the barbarian’s camtah did little to calm that annoyance. Dallan had told me that he and Cinnan had decided on a plan of action, and all I had to do was remember not to interfere. He had refused to go into more detail than that, which had added to the confusion whirling around inside of me. I wasn’t sure about how I should feel, and the closer we got to the barbarian the more unsure I became. I’d known where he’d stopped for some time before we reached it, but I hadn’t said anything to Dallan and Cinnan.

The two men rode their seetarr to a spot near Tammad’s before dismounting, and when Dallan lifted me to the ground I had to stop near the barbarian’s mount to calm his distress and outrage. As far as the big black seetar was concerned, I had no business riding anywhere but on him, and he couldn’t understand why I had. Maybe “refused to understand” would be a more accurate phrase, but I wasn’t in the mood to go into long, involved explanations. I let him feel my apology for upsetting him, and he accepted the apology with a small snort of pleasure. He seemed to feel the error wouldn’t be repeated, but I couldn’t say the same.

Dallan and Cinnan unburdened their seetarr and then began to set up their camtahh, and to look at the barbarian you would believe we were all invisible. He sat in front of the fire he had built, roasting a large piece of meat, more intent on what he was doing than on what was going on around him. I stood off to one side, paying a great deal of attention to what my two traveling companions were doing, very glad that the cold wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been even that morning. The fire would then have been the only really warm spot around, and although that was the place I most wanted to be, I couldn’t quite find the courage to go over there.

When Dallan finished with his tent he went to the fire, glanced at the roasting meat, then settled himself on the ground with a small grunt. The barbarian was wrapped in a thick, brooding calm, and didn’t come out of it until Dallan made a noise in his throat.

“The meat will soon be done,” Tammad told him with an air of preoccupation, obviously ready to sink back into his mental stewing. “I trust the afternoon was as uneventful for you as it was for me?”

“Likely even more so for us,” Dallan agreed with a smooth unconcern he wasn’t entirely feeling. “As you mean to unband the woman and have already given her over into my care for the journey, I take it you will have no objection to her sharing my furs this darkness?”

I hadn’t expected Dallan to say that, and I wanted Tammad to refuse as he had the night before, wanted him to stride over to me and pull me furiously and possessively into his arms; instead he held very still for a moment at the abrupt, unexpected question, his mind whirling with agitation, and then he shrugged.

“What objection might I have?” he asked, still staring into the fire. “Should you also wish to band her, my own bands may be returned with the new light.”

My throat had been tightening up at the way he’d been ignoring me, but when I heard what he had to say I sobbed once, dropped the fur, then stumbled away into the growing darkness. He really wanted to have nothing further to do with me, didn’t want to come near me again even to retrieve his bands. There was such a terrible pain inside me that I thought I would die of it, then I began to pray that I would. No matter what Dallan said it was my fault that he didn’t want me, and I felt uglier and more grotesque than I ever had in my life. I was a monster, and no one could love a monster.

I ran a short way downhill until I was well away from the light of the fire, sobbing raggedly, then stopped to fold to the ground with the rock at my back. I’d been trying not to be such a weepy infant, trying to be as strong as possible to make my hamak proud, but the tears running down my cheeks were tears of pain, an agony I’d never have the strength to overcome. The ground was hard and cold and the grass stiff and damp, but I lay curled up on my side without caring about any of that. If only it was just a bad dream, my mind kept saying, if only it wasn’t real. But it was real, and not a dream, and nothing would be able to change that.

“You had best return now, wenda,” a quiet voice said out of the darkness, a calm shadow coming up to loom at the side of the road. “Dallan insists that I deliver you without bands, and now waits impatiently by the fire. Once he has banded you ( will depart, and you will no longer find the need to run from my presence.”

I looked up at his towering outline, hearing the deadness of his voice and feeling the same in his mind. He had absolutely no interest in doing anything other than unbanding me, no object to his entire life other than that. I closed my eyes at the stabbing I felt again in my chest, totally unable to speak, wishing I could will every organ in my body to stop functioning. Most people can continue on if their life mates are taken from them, and I knew that if I made the effort, I could, too. But I, like that small number of others, had no wish to continue on, not without the one who makes life worth living.

“Have you heard me, wenda?” he asked, still standing in the same place. “Let us return now so that I may be gone as soon as possible.”

Gone as soon as possible. That idea was so very warming and attractive in the chilling dark. I lay huddled on the ground, the short, stiff grass stabbing at my cheek, my gaze seeking again and finding the giant dark shadow standing not far from me. Everything was growing hazy and soft around the edges, comforting like the thickest of furs, vague like the onset of drugged sleep. Farewell, my love, I will never forget you, not even in the vastness of forever. Without me your life will be full and happy; without you mine is already done.