Wanting You

7 Vann

Waking up this morning sucked, but I needed to write. I had deadlines and they needed to be met. Sitting at my favorite spot on the deck, my hands began to glide over the keyboard.

“Vann!”

“Shit.” My hand fumbled on the keyboard.

“Yeah?” I yelled back at Kinsley.

“Here.” As she handed me a large mug of coffee, the thought crossed my mind to kiss her smack on the lips.

“Thank you. I need this.”

“So, you writing?”

“Was.” I glared at her.

“Sorry. I’m getting bad at that, huh?”

“It’s fine. It’s just something we gotta work out.”

“You know, Gunner was hot.”

Taking a deep breath, I knew this conversation was coming. I’d been trying to avoid it most of the morning. “Yeah, I don’t know what it was about him, but he was really easy to talk to.”

“Maybe you can go out with him sometime,” she suggested, shrugging her shoulders.

I knew she was trying to get me over Deke, but going out with Gunner wasn’t going to happen. “He reminds me too much of Deke.”

Kins’s eyes bore into mine. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. Just a vibe I got.”

“No biggie. There are tons of hotties around here.”

I smirked.

Going back to my laptop, writing became difficult as thoughts of Deke continually entered my brain.

When I talked to Grams on the phone, she was so excited to see me tonight, and I’d admit I was, too. After not seeing her for so long, I felt as if I needed to make up for lost time.

“Grams?”

“Oh, my girl, come give me a hug.” Embracing her and smelling her perfume, I felt as if I was finally home. Dad ruined everything back then and nothing was ever the same.

“Hey Grams. Need any help?”

“Sure thing. Come.” Following Grams down the narrow hallway, the kitchen was singing with pots bubbling and cooking utensils everywhere. Grams always liked to have ‘everything within reach’ when she cooked.

“Here Grams.” I handed her the small tin I held in my hands.

“What’s this?”

“A present.”

Opening the tin, her face lit up as soon as she saw it. “You made me fudge?”

“Of course I did.”

The small tear that wavered in her eye did not escape me, but I didn’t make a big deal of it. “Thank you, my girl.”

“You’re welcome. What do ya need me to do?”

Brushing her hands on her daisy-covered apron, she got down to business. “Start over there with the veggies. Cut them up to go in that big bowl for the salad.”

We worked in silence for some time, the only sound filling the kitchen was Grams moving from pot to pot. It was noisy, but peaceful being in the kitchen with her again. “You know, I wasn’t gonna bring this up, but you may see your dad around town. He moved back.”

My head whipped around to Grams. “What? When?”

I had known Dad moved away from Cottonwood because of Grams. I thought it was for the best being as I wanted to come back and really didn’t care to see him. “About two years ago. I was gonna tell ya earlier, but just didn’t want ya to hurt, and I didn’t want it to be an excuse for you not to come home.”

“That wouldn’t keep me away. Is she with him?” I already knew the answer; I just needed to hear the words.

“Yep. And their kid. Your sister.” I groaned. I knew I had a five year old sister. Grams didn’t keep that from me, but I had no connection to her since dad moved away right after he split from mom.

“Grams, I can’t do this,” I whispered.

“I know it’s hard, my girl, but it is what it is. Your daddy didn’t make good choices and let me tell you, I’ve had a hard time getting over what he did to you girls, but it’s in the past. You should get to know your sister.” Grams’s eyes were soft, but firm.

“I don’t know about that.” I hadn’t known a lot of things when I left—only that my mom was having a mental breakdown.

“The kid’s innocent.” I knew deep down Grams was right. Even now, having the sister I’d always wanted, I couldn’t help but think of all the hurt the whole situation caused my family.

“Grams. I don’t think I can.”

“You don’t have to do it today. Just think about it. And be prepared if you happen to see him downtown.” Grams patted my shoulder and then squeezed it slightly.

“What’s he up to these days?” I knew I shouldn’t give a shit, but he was my father.

“When he got back, I don’t know how he did it, but he bought the laundromat and carwash in town. He runs them,” she said as she stirred the pot.

“Wow. Guess he’s back to normal, huh?” Dad was always involved in something. It never failed, he was trying the next best thing.

“Guess so. Are you?” Grams’s voice was incredulous. I knew she only wanted the best for me, but she made it difficult to answer her.

“I’m fine.” My voice was low and quiet.

“You will not lie to me, young lady,” Grams’s stern voice had me turning toward her.

“Sorry, Grams. It’s part of me that I have to deal with.” Not really. I hadn’t done well dealing with the first year being in California. Mom’s constant badmouthing and my anger from having to move ate at me, making me hate him. But as time went on, I started seeing things differently and not with rose colored glasses. It didn’t make it any easier.

Grams stopped stirring the spaghetti noodles and got right in my face. “You’re giving him and your mom control. You need to take it back.”

“What?” I asked her, stunned by her abruptness.

“You are giving him the control of your life. You have to figure out how to deal with it,” Grams said as if it were the most common knowledge in the world.

“Grams, how the hell am I supposed to do that?”

“As much as I don’t want to say this, maybe talk to him. You’ve grown up. Maybe he can explain himself.” I didn’t think there was anything that he could do to explain his actions.

“Ha! Grams, he cheated on Mom and left us. Now, I’m not saying Mom is innocent, but he left me.” The hurt from those words broke my heart. I went from having a dad who loved me and spent time with me to … nothing.

Grams’s eyes bored into me. “You do remember that he was with you up until Annabelle decided to leave, then you didn’t have contact.”

“It’s what he wanted. He just wanted to be rid of us,” I whimpered, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall.

“Savannah Marie. Stop that. Your momma’s been feeding you shit for years, stop eating it.” I stared into Grams’s eyes searching for the answers I didn’t think I’d be able to find.

“Grams,” I whined.

“Don’t Grams me. You need to deal with this.”

Wiping my arm across my eyes, I wanted to end this conversation. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. What can I help with next?”

Grams stared at me as if the wheels in her head were turning and she wanted to tell me what they were saying. She didn’t. Instead, she said, “Peel the carrots and slice them. I’ll let it go … for now.”

“Thanks.” Grams’s words swirled around in my head. She had never steered me wrong, but I thought I was doing okay without my dad. I hadn’t talked to him in years and tried not to think about him either. He never called so I assumed he didn’t want anything to do with me.

“So, since your father’s off the table, let’s talk about this boy you like ... Deke? Right?”

Rolling my eyes, I said, “I really don’t want to talk about him either. And don’t act like you don’t know him.”

“Oh, I know him all right. He was splashed all over the papers for months for getting kicked off the police force. But, if you ask me, that drug dealer he beat up deserved it.”

“I read about it.”

“He’s done good for himself, especially after everything he’s lost. Brother. Mom. Shame,” she said, shaking her head.

“His mom overdosed. Right?”

“Yes. Such a shame what happened to that family. First, Jaxson in the creek. Then his mom trying to cope by using drugs. It’s a surprise that Deke turned out pretty decent.”

“Grams, he got kicked off the force. How is that decent?”

“He got cut for beating up drug dealers. You can’t say that’s bad.”

“True.”

“So, tell me.”

I should have known Grams wouldn’t let it go. “I hurt him. He won’t say that, but I did. I just left him after Jaxson’s death and only wrote him a letter saying bye. It was wrong.” My leaving Deke couldn’t have come at a worse time. His brother had just drowned two months prior, and he was getting so much backlash from everyone around him.

“I don’t know what to do, Vann.” Deke’s voice was soft.

“I know.” Stroking his hair softly, he laid his head in my lap. These were the best times. For two months, we had been coming here. I knew that Deke was doing it out of grief, spending time with me, but I took it and held on to it with all my might.

This time with him had been the best of my life and how morbid was that when he was going through so much pain. But I couldn’t lie; I loved and craved every second of it. All these hours every night deepened the feelings that I had for him.

Deke hadn’t paid a lick of attention to me in school. Sure, his parents and mine had cookouts, and we were forced to see each other at those, but he never gave any indication that he wanted to spend time with me outside of those times.

Then the night that Jaxson drown, Deke came to my bedroom window tapping on it repeatedly. He scared the living shit out of me. Rushing to the window, Deke stood below, his clothes a mess, half falling off him and only wearing one flip flop.

When his eyes met mine, my heart broke. He had been crying, his face a tangled mess of runny tears and puffy eyes. Lifting the window, I asked, “Deke, what’s wrong?”

“Jaxson’s dead. I killed him.”

“What?”

“He’s gone.”

“Hang on.”

Throwing some clothes on, I motioned for him to climb through the window. He did so without a word.

“What happened?” Deke sat next to me on the bed and began telling me the horrible details of his brother’s death. I listened to every word that came out of his mouth, wondering the entire time why he chose to come to me.

“I’m assuming that you’ve seen him since you’ve been back.” Grams began stirring the large pot on the stove.

“Yep. At Sully’s. He … he kissed me goodbye.”

“Huh?”

“He realized it was me, grabbed my head, kissed me, and said, ‘Goodbye Vann.’ Then turned around and left,” I said waving my hand in the air.

“Well, he’s up on the dramatics isn’t he?”

“It wasn’t fun.”

“I bet it wasn’t. But now is time to pull up your big girl panties.”

“What?”

“You heard me. Pull them up. No use in doing that pity shit.” Grams turned and stared in my eyes. No more trying. This happened a couple days ago right?” I nodded. “That’s enough time for the pity train. Think back to your books. What would Mara or Keely do if this were them?”

“Grams, those are fictional characters who pop in my head,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“But real to you. You need to decide if you want to fight for him or let it go. Do one or the other.”

“He doesn’t want me, so I’m thinking the choice is pretty clear.”

“You think a man goes through a display like that and doesn’t want you? I’m willing to bet it’s the opposite and seeing you again flared that spark.”

“Grams, you are seriously wrong on this. You didn’t see the look in his eyes.”

“It was hurt. Look Vann, your mom took you away. It hurt all of us, but you couldn’t do anything about it. It was what had to happen at the time. If he doesn’t want to take the time to find out the whats and whys, then that’s his loss and you need to move on.”

“I know.” Even though it sucked.

Grams came over, placing her hand on mine. “My girl, life happens, and it happens fast. You have to figure out what you want and go for it. You never know if it will be there tomorrow.”

I stared into Grams’s eyes and smiled.

“All right, let’s get this done. Keith and his clan will be here soon.”

“Okay.” Grams was right. If he was done, then it was done.

“Keith, my boy, get in here!” Grams yelled from the kitchen. “It’s show time,” she said, grabbing my hand and pulling me behind her. I hadn’t seen Uncle Keith or any of his family in more than five years. Mom didn’t get along with him, which meant that I didn’t get to see him, except at the family dinners that Grams had.

“Oh. My. God!” a feminine voice screeched from the hallway. “Savannah!”

“Hi, Aunt Mary.” She was wrapping me in a tight bear hug before I got all the words out.

“Let me look at you.” Holding me out at arm’s length, she examined me from head to toe. I could feel my face blushing. I wasn’t shy by any means, but this was a bit too much. “You are so beautiful,” she mused.

“Thanks.” Aunt Mary stood there for what seemed like ages just smiling at me, making me feel a bit uncomfortable. With her short, dark brown hair, cut around her face, her large brown eyes were piercing me.

“Hi.” Uncle Keith’s deep baritone voice broke through my panic. Letting go of Aunt Mary, I moved over to him.

Trying to wrap my arms around him was a bit harder. He was much larger and built like a linebacker. I don’t remember him being like this before. His blue eyes and short brown hair were the same, but his broad shoulders were new. He was very handsome.

“Hi Uncle Keith.” I tried to not let my shyness come through in my voice, but I heard it. I hadn’t seen him in so long; I couldn’t help but wonder what he thought of me.

“How are you baby girl?” His voice was deep and calm.

I looked up into his eyes and saw warmth and acceptance. “I’m doing great. Glad to be home.”

“We are so happy to have you here. We missed you so much.” At his words, I actually believed him.

“Me too,” I whispered.

Meeting his family was awkward to say the least, but it was nice to be around family.

Movement caught my eye. Turning toward it, I felt my mouth drop. Z was standing in the doorway with a huge grin on his face. His dark brown hair cut close to the sides, but was a bit wild on the top. His upper body was covered in a white t-shirt that stretched across his broad, muscular shoulders. His gray eyes met mine. “What are you doing here?” I asked, still in a state of shock.

“Hey Vann,” was all he said as he swooped in to give me a hug.

“You two know each other?” Uncle Keith boomed from behind us sounding a bit accusatory.

Z let me go. “Umm … we met the other night. Right, Z?” I didn’t know why I felt so nervous all of the sudden. It just all seemed too strange.

“Yeah, Uncle Keith. Vann’s an old friend of Deke’s. I saw her at Sully’s the other night.” Z crossed his arms over his chest, stretching his t-shirt tighter.

“You didn’t answer my question. Why is Z here?” My clipped voice caught Grams’s attention. I knew I was treading a thin line and Grams didn’t think twice to call me out on it.

“Savannah,” she snapped. Making eye contact with her, I stopped collecting my thoughts. I knew I shouldn’t be upset, but he was just another painful reminder of Deke. “Zander is Mary’s nephew, and he came to live with them right after you left town. He is part of this family.”

“I apologize. I guess it just caught me off guard, that’s all,” I murmured quietly.

“Vann, it’s cool. I thought for sure we were coming to see you when Uncle Keith kept telling us all we were meeting Savannah. I had to see it to believe it. I can’t believe we’re cousins.” He smirked.

“In a way, I guess.” I wanted to yell, not by blood, but kept my thoughts to myself.

“Look, just ‘cause Deke’s my best friend doesn’t mean there needs to be bad blood between us.” Z’s eyes softened.

“It’s fine. No worries,” I said on an exhale.

“Great! Come here, cuz.” Z pulled me into a huge bear hug, which I reciprocated.

“Let’s eat!” Grams yelled from the dining room.

Dinner went by fairly smooth. Z made no mention of Deke, which put me at ease. I thought for sure he would ask me about him, and I didn’t want to talk about it, especially in front of my newly acquainted family. I did learn that he’s on the police force, a fact I will keep near and dear to me.

I also learned all about Kate and Ben—where they went to school, what their plans were, and every single sports or extracurricular activity they were a part of. It was actually nice getting to know everyone.

The only negative of the night came when Uncle Keith asked about Mom. I was very vague with my answers, knowing full well that he really didn’t like her. They may be blood, but that was about all they were to one another. I was already at odds with her so adding fuel to the fire just wasn’t worth it.

After getting all the dishes cleaned up, I needed a break. This entire evening was a bit overwhelming, which was how I ended up sitting under Grams’s old oak tree in the backyard.

The night sky turned a beautiful navy blue. The stars were bright, and I loved being able to actually see them. In Cali, there were so many lights everywhere it was difficult to see the stars.

I heard his feet rustling through the grass before I actually saw him. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Z sat next to me under the tree, picking a blade of grass before he began to twirl it in his hand. I sat there quietly.

“So? We’re family, huh? Funny. Deke’s never gonna believe this.” Z laughed. He really did have an awesome laugh—the kind that made you want to laugh with him, except this time.

“Why tell him. Just let it go.” I didn’t need Deke anywhere near my life or me at this point.

“Hell no,” Z barked.

“Why?” I asked, wondering what the hell he was up to.

“I love getting on his ass.”

“I bet.” I snickered.

Z pushed my arm playfully. “Not like that.”

“Whatever.”

“Seriously, I know things are rough with the two of you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t hang out with us. I don’t want it to be weird or have you avoid me just because Deke’s with me.”

I looked out over the garden. “It’ll be fine.”

Silent moments passed before Z spoke up. “You know it was five years ago.”

I looked at him, shocked. How does he know anything about the situation? “I know.”

“Why let him get to you?”

I softened a bit. “I don’t know, but I’m good now.”

Z eyed me wearily. “We should all hang out sometime. You, Kinsley, Sawyer, and Deke, and me.”

“Are you nuts? Deke hates me. Why would I want to hang out with him?”

“It’ll be fun. Come on. He doesn’t hate you. I think it just shocked him to see you in town.”

“Shocked is one word for it,” I mumbled.

“Let’s just try it out. But you have to be sure to bring Sawyer.” I didn’t miss the wiggle of his eyebrows.

“You have a thing for Saw, huh?”

“She’s hot.” Z’s eyes brightened and the gorgeous smile broke free.

“She won’t sleep with you for the fun of it.”

Z’s smile dropped. “Damn it if I don’t already know that,” he grumbled.

“Fine. Whatever.”

“Great. I’ll set it up.” Z slapped my leg as he stood to leave. “I gotta run.”

“Wait!” I yelled, needing the answer to a question of my own.

“What?”

My eyes drifted up to his face. “You still living with Uncle Keith?”

Z laughed. “Hell no. I’ve got my own house about five miles away from them. I only lived there in high school. I went to the academy right after high school. You think a hot guy like me still lives with his auntie?” He raised an eyebrow.

“That’s the way it seemed. So, you’re a cop?”

“That’s what they tell me.”

I thought about telling him what was going on with me, but fear ripped through me in the thought of him telling Deke. I didn’t know how he would take it, so I shut up.

“Gotta go. Later.” Z didn’t give me a chance to ask him any more questions, and he was off.

Sitting alone again, I allowed the quiet night to calm me. I could do this. It would be just like high school. When I existed, but Deke didn’t recognize me. Just like Grams said, time to pull up my big girl panties.