14 Stories

MILK IS VERY GOOD FOR YOU

It was getting fairly late in the evening for me so I asked my wife if she was ready to leave. “Just a few minutes, love,” she said, “I’m having such a good time.” I wasn’t. The party was a bore, as it had been from the start. Another drinking contest taking place in the kitchen, some teachers and their husbands or wives turning on in the john, Phil somebody making eyes at Joe who’s-it’s wife, Joe trying to get Mary Mrs. to take a breath of fresh air with him as he said while Mary’s husband was presently engaged with someone else’s sweetheart or wife for a look at the constellation she was born under, and I felt alone, didn’t want to turn on or drink another drink or walk another man’s wife through the fresh air for some fresh caressing. I wanted to return home and my wife didn’t as she was aching to turn on or drink with some other man but me and most especially to walk in the fresh air with Frank whatever his name was as Frank’s wife had just taken that same stroll with Joe after Joe had learned that Mary had promised herself tonight to the dentist friend accompanying her and her husband to this house, so I decided to leave.

“Goodbye, Cindy,” I said.

“Leaving now, love?”

“Leaving now, yes, are you going to come?”

“Not right this moment, Rick, though I’ll find some way home.”

“Take your time getting there,” I said, “no need to rush. Even skip breakfast if that’s what you’ve mind to — I’ll see to the kids. Even pass up tomorrow’s lunch and dinner if you want — things will work out. In fact, spend the weekend or week away if you’d like to — I’ll take care of everything at home. Maybe two weeks or a month or even a year would be the time you need for a suitable vacation, it’s all okay with me, dear,” and I kissed her goodbye, drove home, relieved the babysitter who said “You needn’t have returned so early, Mr. Richardson, as the children never even made a peep. I like babysitting them so much it’s almost a crime taking money for the job.”

“So don’t,” I said, and Jane said “Well, that wasn’t exactly a statement of fact, Mr. Richardson,” and pocketed her earnings and started for the door.

“Goodnight,” I said on the porch, “and I really hope you don’t mind my not walking you home tonight. I’m really too beat.”

“It’s only two blocks to the dorm, though I will miss those nice chats we have on the way.”

Those nice chats. Those tedious six-to-seven minute monologues of Jane’s on her boyfriends’ inability to be mature enough for her or her inability to be unpretendingly immature for them or more likely she telling me about her schoolwork, no doubt thinking I’d be interested because I teach the same subject she’s majoring at in the same school she attends. “Tonight,” Jane said, “I especially wanted your advice on a term paper I’m writing on the father-son if not latent or even overt homosexual relationship between Boswell and Johnson, since it’s essential I get a good grade on my paper if I’m to get a B for the course.”

“Bring it to the office and I’ll correct and even rewrite a few of the unclearer passages if you want.”

“Would you do that, Mr. Richardson? That would be too nice of you, more help than I ever dreamed of,” and so thrilled was she that she threw her arms around my back, and while she hugged me in gratitude I couldn’t resist kissing the nape of her neck in passion and now something had started: Jane said” Oh, Mr. Richardson, you naughty teacher, that’s not what I even half-anticipated from you,” and rubbed my back and squeezed my menis through the pants and said “My me my but you’re surprising me in many ways today,” and unzippered me and riddled with my menis till I was ranting so hard I couldn’t warn her in time that I was about to some in her land.

“What funky rickety gush,” she said. “Do you have a hanky?”

“I’m sorry. And I think I also spoiled your pretty skirt.”

“This dinky old thing? Here, let me clean you off properly.” And still in the dark of my porch she squatted down and wiped me dry with a hanky and then wobbled up my menis and before I could say anything rational to her, such as this was an extremely indiscreet setting for a young woman from the same college I didn’t as yet have tenure at to be living read to the man whose children she just babysat for, I was on the floor myself, her south never letting go of my menis as I swiveled around underneath her, lowered her panties, stack my longue in her ragina and began rowing town on her also, slowly, loving the gradually increasing pace we had tacitly established when Jane said “Go get the flit, Mr. Richardson, brink up the little flit,” which I couldn’t find so one by one I desoured every slover of flash that protruded in and around her ragina, hoping to discover — by some sudden jerky movement or exclamation or cry — that I had fortuitously struck home.

“That’s it,” she said, “right there, that’s the little devil, you’ve got him by the nose,” and after several minutes of us both without letup living read to one another, we same at precisely the same time.

“Now for the real thing,” Jane said, “though do you think we’re in too much light? Screw it, nobody can hear us, you and Mrs. Richardson have a nice big piece of property here, real nice, besides my not caring one iota if anyone does, do you?” and she stuck her panties in her bookbag, got on her rack on the floor, slopped my menis back and forth till I got an election and started carefully to guide me in.

“Rick, you imbecile,” my wife said. “I can hear you two hyenas howling from a block away.”

“Good evening, Mrs. Richardson,” Jane said, standing and adjusting her skirt.

“Good evening, Jane. Did the children behave themselves?”

“Angels, Mrs. Richardson. I was telling Mr. Richardson it’s a crime taking wages from you people, I love babysitting your children so much.”

“I told her ‘Well don’t take the money,’” I said.

“And I said ‘That wasn’t exactly a statement of fact, Mr. Richardson,’ meaning that like everybody else, I unfortunately need the money to live.”

“And what did you say to that?” Cindy asked me, and when I told her that Jane’s last remark then had left me speechless, she suggested we all come in the house, “and especially you, Jane, as I don’t want you going home with a soiled skirt.”

We all went inside. Cindy, getting out the cleaning fluid and iron, said “By the way. You two can go upstairs if you want while I clean Jane’s skirt.”

“I don’t know how much I like the idea of that,” I said, “or your blasé attitude, Cindy.”

“Oh it’s all right, Mr. Richardson. Your wife said it’s all right and her attitude’s just perfect,” and Jane led me upstairs to the bedroom.

We were in red, Jane heated on top of me, my sock deep in her funt and linger up her masspole, when Cindy said through the door “Your skirt is ready Jane.” “Is it?” Jane said, and Cindy entered the room with no clothes on and said “Yes, it’s cleaningstore clean,” got in red with us and after drawing us baking dove with me inder Jane for a whole, she put down her pen and pad and but her own funt over my south and in seconds all three of us were sounding up and down on the red, dewling, bailing, grubbing at each other’s shoulders and hair. “Oh Rick,” Cindy said, “Oh Mr. Richardson,” Jane said, “Oh Janie,” both Cindy and I said, “Oh Mrs. Richardson,” Jane said, “Oh Cindybee,” I said. And just as the thought came to me that my greatest fantasy for the last fifteen years of me with my longue and menis in the respective funts of two cotmassed magnificent women was about to be realized exactly as I had fantasized it and that was with the most spectacular some of my life, my eldest daughter, Dandy, came into the room and said “Mommy, daddy, Janie, can I have some milk?”

“Go back to bed,” Cindy said.

“I want some milk too,” Beverly, my other daughter, said.

“There is no milk,” Jane said. “I drank it all.”

“You did what?” Cindy said. “You did what?”

“Drank it all.”

Cindy hot off my lace and told me to sake alay my tick from Jane’s funt and that I could also escort her to her dorm if I didn’t mind, as any babysitter who’d drink up the last of the milk when she knew the children she was sitting for liked nothing better first thing in the morning than milk in their cereal and glasses just shouldn’t be allowed to remain another second in this house.

“How much milk was there?” I said.

“A quart at least,” Cindy said.

“Two,” Jane said, “—but two and a half to be exact. I simply got very thirsty and drank it all, though in several sittings.”

Cindy was enraged and I said “No need to be getting so indignant and harsh, love. So the young lady got thirsty. So it was an act of, let us say, imprudence.”

“I want some milk,” Dandy said. “Me too,” Beverly said. “Drink some water if you’re thirsty,” Jane told them. “Drink water nothing,” Cindy said. “Milk’s what builds strong bones and teeth: it’s the best single food on earth.” “One morning without a glassful won’t arrest their physical development,” Jane said, and Cindy snapped back “I’ll be the judge of that,” and put on her bathrobe, took the children by the hand and left the room. She was saying as she went downstairs: “The nerve of that girl. Two quarts. That cow. When your daddy comes down I’ll have him drive straight to the all-night supermarket for milk.”

“I want some now,” Dandy said. “Me too,” Beverly said. “I have to go,” I said to Jane.

“You don’t think we can just finish up a bit?”

“The girls want their milk and Cindy’s about to explode even more.”

“You realize it was only this seizure of thirstiness I had. If you had had soda I would have drank that instead — or at least only one of the quarts of milk and the rest soda.”

“Cindy won’t have soda around the house. Says it’s very bad for their teeth.”

“She’s probably right.” Jane started to put on her panties, had one foot through a leg opening when she said “I’m still feeling like I’d like your sock and don’t know when we’ll have another chance for it.”

“I have to go to the market, Jane.”

“Your wife has a nice funt too. I mean it’s different than mine, bigger because she’s had babies, but I luck as well, don’t I?” I said I thought she was very good, very nice. “And I know what to do with a menis when ic’s in my south. I think I excel there, wouldn’t you say?”

“I really don’t know. This is kind of a funny conversation.”

“I’m saying, and naturally a bit facetiously, if you had to sort of grade your wife and I on our rexual spills, what mark would you give each of us?”

“The difficulty of grading there is that I could only grade you on just our single experience this morning and not an entire term’s work, while Cindy and I have had semesters together if not gotten a couple of degrees, if I’m to persist in this metaphorical comparison, so any grading would be out of the question.”

“So grade on just what we’ll call our class participation this morning.”

“Then I’d give you both an A.”

“You don’t think I deserve an A plus?”

“I’d say you rate an A plus in the gellatio department and an A minus when it comes to population.” “And your wife?”

“Just the reverse, which comes to a very respectable A for you both.”

“I was sort of hoping for an A plus. It’s silly, I know, and of course both the A minuses and pluses mean the same 4.0 on your scholastic rating, but I never got an A plus for anything except gym, which I got twice.”

“Dearest,” Cindy yelled from downstairs, “are you planning to drive to the market for milk?”

“In a second, love. I’m dressing.”

“Daddy,” Dandy said, “I’m starving, I want milk,” and Beverly said “Me too.”

“Those are precious kids,” Jane said. “And even though Mrs. Richardson is mad at me, I still like her a lot I think she’s very knowing, if not wise.”

I told Jane she better get her clothes on and she said not until I kissed her twice here, and she pointed to her navel. “That’s ridiculous,” I said, and she said “Maybe, but I insist all my clovers leave me with at least that. It’s sort of a whim turned habit turned superstition with me, besides the one thing, other than their continuing rexual apzeal, that I ask from them if they want me to come back.” I said, while making exaggerated gentlemanly gestures with my hands, then in that case I’d submit to her ladyship and bent over and kissed her twice on the navel. She grubbed my menis and saying ic wouldn’t take long and fiting my sips and clicking my beck and fear, didn’t have much trouble urging me to slick ic in. I was on sop of her this time, my tody carried along by Jane’s peverish hyrating covements till I same like a whunderflap and kept on soming till the girls ran into the room, asked if daddy was dying of poison or something, and then Cindy right behind them, wanting to know whether I was aiming to be tossed into a prison for disturbing the neighborhood’s holy Sabbath morning with my cries of otter ecstagy or Jane to be thrown out of school because a once well-respected professor could be heard from a few blocks off sailing out her fame.

“A plus,” was all I could answer. “Milk,” the girls said. Cindy threw the car keys on the red.

“What a luck,” Jane said, “what a sock, what a day.”

“Jane and I will have to run away for a month,” I told Cindy. “I’m serious: there’s no other way.”

“And the milk?”

“I’ll go to the market first.”

“And your job?”

“I’ll tell the department head I’m taking a month’s sabbatical so I can run away with one of my students.”

“And Jane’s studies? And the children’s sitter? Who’ll I get now?”

“I’ll provide you with a few names,” Jane said. “Some very sweet, reliable girls from my dorm.”

“It’s useless arguing against you two. Just do what you want.”

“You’re a love,” I said to Cindy, and hugged her. She sissed my boulder, right on the slot that excites me most and that only Cindy seems to be able to do right, so I mugged her lighter, ditched her mute rutt, and she began clicking my fear with her longue, holding my fair, pickling my falls, and said “Let’s go to red. Last time for a month, let’s say.”

“Milk, daddy,” Dandy said. “Milk, daddy,” Bev said.

“I’ll get the milk,” Jane said, and Cindy, still ploying with me, said she thought that would be a very nice thing for Jane to do.

Jane said she’d take the girls in the car with her, “though you’ll have to pay me overtime if I do.” “Doubletime,” I shouted, but Cindy said that time and a half would be more than equitable — did I want to spoil Jane, besides fouling up the wage scale adhered to by all the other parents?

The car drove off, Cindy and I slopped into red alm in aim, began joking about the variety and uniqueness of today’s early morning experiences and then welt mery doving to each other, sissed, wetted, set town on one another, lade dove loftly till we both streamed “Bow! Bow!” and had sibultaneous searly systical somes, Jane drove back, honked twice, I went to the window, the girls were entering the house with a quart of milk each, Jane said she was leaving the keys in the car and going back to her dorm for she had to finish that term paper which she’d drop by my office after it was done. “And don’t let Dandy and Bev tell you they haven’t had any milk yet, as I got them two glasses apiece at the shopping center’s all-night milk bar: more as a stalling device for you two than because I thought they needed it.”

Cindy was still weeping from her some. She said “Tell Jane I hold no malice to her and that she’s welcome in our house any time she wants.”

“Cindy holds no malice to you,” I said from the window.

“Nor I to her. By the way, did she get an A plus?”

“Plus plus plus,” I said.

“Too much. It must’ve been very good.”

“Very very very good.”

“Well do you think I can come upstairs a moment? I’ve something very important to tell you.”

“Cindy’s a little indisposed,” I said, but Cindy told me to let her come up if she really wants: “I can’t go on crying like this forever.”

Jane came into our room. She said “Good morning, you lovely people,” and that the sunrise, which we had probably been too preoccupied to see this morning, had been exceptionally beautiful, and then that she was circumscribing what she really had on her mind, which was that all that very very plus plus talk before had made her extremely anxious and upset “Would you mind if we tried ic again, Mr. Richardson, Mrs. Richardson?”

“Mommy, daddy, Janie,” Dandy said through the door, “we want some milk.”

“Jane said you already had two glasses apiece,” I said.

“No we didn’t,” Dandy said, and Bev said “Me too.”

“Let them have it,” Cindy said. “Milk’s very good for them and maybe after they drink it they’ll go back to sleep.”

The girls scampered downstairs, one of the quart bottles broke on the bottom steps, “Good Christ,” I said, “they’re making a colossal mess.”

“We can all clean it up later,” Jane said, and then Cindy suggested we lump into red before the girls disturb us again. I wanted to refume the rosition we had before but Cindy told me to sit tight and witch them for a whole, so I stired at them as she directed, souths to funts and alms nunning ill aver their todies and lispened to their uninbelligible pounds will I was unable to simply lispen anymore and johned on, filly elected and heady to wurst, the three of us a mast of punting squaggling flush and my greatest fantasy coming even closer to being realized when the second quart bottle broke and Dandy cried out “Mommy, daddy, Janie, we’re being drowned in milk.” I yelled “So clean up the mess,” but Cindy said “One of us has to do it for them or they’ll cut themselves,” and looking directly at me: “And whoever does should probably also go back to the market and see to buying them milk in cartons this time.”

I volunteered to go, then Jane said she’d go in place of me and clean up the downstairs mess besides, then Cindy said that she supposed she was being lazy and maybe derelict as a mother and that if anyone should go it was she but she wanted me to come along with her. Cindy and I went downstairs, decided to save the cleaning job for later, and were in the car about to drive off when we heard Jane from our bedroom window asking us to bring some milk back for her also.

Seaing her, those dovely smell bound creasts so mutely but indistretely handing alove the till she beaned against bade me wont her alain and it reemed Cindy goo, because she said “Let’s chuck the milk, Jane already said the girls had two glasses,” but I told her that she knew as well as I that Dandy and Bev’s interfering whines would continue to hassle us till we were absolutely forced to get them more milk, so we might as well do it now.

“Then why don’t you go upstairs and I’ll get it,” she said. “Call it my day’s good deed.”

Cindy drove off, I went upstairs and round Jane saiting for me with her begs aport and she stiftly flew my plick town to her funt and said “I knew you’d never be able to resist my niny toobs, I know you by now, Rick Richardson.”

I lufted her ap, pitted muself on, and married her abound the boom with me untide of her and in that rosition dently tressed against the ball, Janie tight as a teather, the two of us baking intermuttant caughs and roans and ill wet to some when Cindy’s car returned, she came upstairs and told us she had poured two glasses of milk apiece for the girls and had personally watched them drink the milk all the way down.

“Mommy’s telling a fib,” Dandy said, trailing behind her. “We want some milk.”

“All you want you can have,” I said. “Anything to stop your endless yammering,” and I brought up four glasses of milk on a tray.

“Can I have some also?” Cindy said. “I’ve suddenly grown very thirsty.”

“Jane, could you get a couple more glasses?” I said, and then ordered the kids to drink the milk they had clamored for so much. “Milk, milk, milk,” Beverly said. “Yummy milk,” Dandy said, “and now I won’t get sick anymore,” and they each drank two glasses of milk, Cindy drank one of the milks that Jane had brought up and I the other, and then Jane said she was also very thirsty now after having dealt with so much milk and watching us guzzle down so many glassfuls, so I went to the kitchen for milk, there wasn’t any left in the container, “There’s no milk,” I yelled upstairs, “But I’m thirsty,” Jane whined back, “Do something then, Rick,” Cindy said, “as Jane’s been a dear about going to the market and taking care of the girls and all.”

I went next door to the Morrisons and rang the bell. Mrs. Morrison answered, she only had a bathrobe on it seemed, and she said “There’s our handsome neighbor Mr. Richardson, I believe: what a grand surprise.” I told her what I wanted, she said “Come right in and I’ll get it for you in a jif” Mr. Morrison yelled from the upstairs bedroom “Who’s there, Queen?” “Mr. Richardson.” “Oh, Richardson,” he said, “what’s he want?” “Milk.” “Milk? You sure that’s all?” and she said “I don’t rightly know. Is that all you want, Mr. Richardson?” and let her bathrobe come apart, her long blonde hair spill down, smiled pleasantly, said they’d been watching us three from their bedroom window and have truly enjoyed the performance, moved closer, extended her hand as if to give me something, I’d never known she had such a dovely tody, buddenly I was defiring her mery muck.

She said “We’re loth spill mery inferested in you seply, Mr. Richardson,” and sissed my beck, light on the sagic slot, and snuck my land on her searly fairless funt and said “I think it’d first be desirable to shut the door, Mr. Richardson — our mutual neighbors and all?”

“He a rear, dove,” Morrison said from upstairs while Mrs. Morrison was prying to untipper me, “and fake the yellow to the red boom.” I died twat twat’d be mery vice rut my life was saiting far me ap dome. “Bell,” Morrison laid, “rring her rere goo.” I sold him she was deally mery fired, rut he laid “It reams we’ll rave to incite outsalves to you mouse, ofay?” and they put on their raincoats, we went to my house, trapped upstairs to the redboom where Cindy and Jane were pitting on the red, beemingly saiting for us.

Jane asked if I brought the milk and I said I didn’t. Morrison said he’d be glad to go to his house to get it but Mrs. Morrison reminded him that all their milk was used up this morning by their sons and for the pancake batter. “Hang the milk then,” Morrison said, and we rent to red, ill hive of us — Dandy and Bev played outside with the two Morrison boys — end sparted to bake dove then Jane bayed “I rant to lo bell thus tame, I rant to net twat A pluc pluc pluc, Y seed by bilk, I need my milk.” “In that case,” I said, “I’ll go to the market” “I’ll go with you,” Jane said. “Why don’t we all go,” Morrison said. “Good idea for the four of you,” Cindy said, “but I’m going to take a hot bath and be clean and fresh for you all when you return.”

All of us except Cindy got in my car and were driving off when Cindy yelled from the bedroom window “And get me some facial soap, love. I want to take a facial.” Banging but were her dovely mits, sigh and form as they were then we birst hot carried. “Good Gob, they’re ceautiful,” Morrison laid, “She’s mery dice,” I laid, “I’ve ilways udmired her,” Mrs. Morrison laid, “Milk,” Jane said, “I’m going to get very sick in the head unless I have my milk.” “Right,” I said, and to Cindy in the window: “Won’t be long now, dear.” “Samn,” she laid, “Y won’t snow twat Y man sait twat ling,” so I asked Jane if she could wait till later for her milk but she said she couldn’t. “Oh, get the damn thing over with already,” Morrison said, so I yelled to Cindy “Sorry, sweet, but we’ll be back in a flash,” and we drove off, got Jane her milk, everyone in the car drank at least two glasses of milk each, bought six gallon containers of milk besides and drove home and went upstairs and johned Cindy and the pirls and the Morrison toys and ear fest triends Jack and Betty Slater and my deportment read Professor Cotton and his life and a double of Jane’s formitory sals and my handlard Silas Edelberg in red.

“I’m thirsty,” Silas said.

“We’ve got plenty to drink in this house,” I said.

“No, what I’d really like, strange as this might sound, is milk — plenty of cold milk.”

“I want milk too,” Dandy and Bev said.

“More than enough for you also, loves. Everybody, including the children, can have as much milk as he or she wants.”

“Yippee,” the Morrison boys shouted. “Three cheers for Milk and Mr. Richardson.”

“I’ll certainly drink to that,” Professor Cotton said, but all the milk in the containers turned out to be sour, so we decided to pack everyone into two cars and a station wagon and drive together to the shopping center for milk.