1919

Daughter

She wasn’t sick a bit and was popular on the crossing that was very gay although the sea was rough and it was bitter cold. There was a Mr. Barrow who had been sent on a special mission by the President who paid her a great deal of attention. He was a very interesting man and full of information about everything. He’d been a socialist and very close to labor. He was so interested when she told him about her experiences in the textile strike over in Jersey. In the evenings they’d walk around and around the deck arm in arm, now and then being almost thrown off their feet by an especially heavy roll. She had a little trouble with him trying to make love to her, but managed to argue him out of it by telling him what she needed right now was a good friend, that she’d had a very unhappy love affair and couldn’t think of anything like that any more. He was so kind and sympathetic, and said he could understand that thoroughly because his relation with women had been very unsatisfactory all his life. He said people ought to be free in love and marriage and not tied by conventions or inhibitions. He said what he believed in was passionate friendship. She said she did too, but when he wanted her to come to his room in the hotel the first night they were in Paris, she gave him a terrible tonguelashing. But he was so nice to her on the trip down to Rome that she began to think that maybe if he asked her to marry him she might do it.

There was an American officer on the train, Captain Savage, so good looking and such a funny talker, on his way to Rome with important despatches. From the minute she met Dick, Europe was wonderful. He talked French and Italian, and said how beautiful the old tumbledown towns were and screwed up his mouth so funnily when he told stories about comical things that happened in the war. He was a little like Webb only so much nicer and more selfreliant and betterlooking. From the minute she saw him she forgot all about Joe and as for G. H. Barrow, she couldn’t stand the thought of him. When Captain Savage looked at her it made her all melt up inside; by the time they’d gotten to Rome she’d admitted to herself she was crazy about him. When they went out walking together the day they all made an excursion to the ruins of the Emperor Hadrian’s villa, and the little town where the waterfall was, she was glad that he’d been drinking. She wanted all the time to throw herself in his arms; there was something about the rainy landscape and the dark lasciviouseyed people and the old names of the towns and the garlic and oil in the food and the smiling voices and the smell of the tiny magenta wildflowers he said were called cyclamens that made her not care about anything anymore. She almost fainted when he started to make love to her. Oh, she wished he would, but No, No, she couldn’t just then, but the next day she’d drink in spite of the pledge she’d signed with the N.E.R. and shoot the moon. It wasn’t so sordid as she’d expected but it wasn’t so wonderful either; she was terribly scared and cold and sick, like when she’d told him she hadn’t ever before. But the next day he was so gentle and strong, and she suddenly felt very happy. When he had to go back to Paris and there was nothing but office work and a lot of dreary old maids to talk to, it was too miserable.

When she found she was going to have a baby she was scared, but she didn’t really care so much; of course he’d marry her. Dad and Buster would be sore at first but they’d be sure to like him. He wrote poetry and was going to be a writer when he got out of the army; she was sure he was going to be famous. He didn’t write letters very often and when she made him come back to Rome he wasn’t nearly as nice about it as she expected; but of course it must have been a shock to him. They decided that perhaps it would be better not to have the baby just then or get married till he got out of the service, though there didn’t seem to be any doubt in his mind about getting married then. She tried several things and went riding a great deal with Lieutenant Grassi, who had been educated at Eton and spoke perfect English and was so charming to her and said she was the best woman rider he’d ever known. It was on account of her going out riding so much with Lieutenant Grassi and getting in so late that the old cats at the N.E.R. got sore and sent her home to America.

Going to Paris on the train, Daughter really was scared. The horseback riding hadn’t done any good, and she was sore all over from a fall she’d had when one of Lieutenant Grassi’s cavalry horses fell with her and broke his leg when she took him over a stone wall. The horse had to be shot and the Lieutenant had been horrid about it; these foreigners always showed a mean streak in the end. She was worried about people’s noticing how she looked because it was nearly three months now. She and Dick would have to get married right away, that’s all there was to it. Perhaps it would even be better to tell people they’d been married in Rome by a fat little old priest.

The minute she saw Dick’s face when she was running down the corridor towards him in his hotel, she knew it was all over; he didn’t love her the least bit. She walked home to her hotel hardly able to see where she was going through the slimywet Paris streets. She was surprised when she got there because she expected she’d lose her way. She almost hoped she’d lose her way. She went up to her room and sat down in a chair without taking off her dripping wet hat and coat. She must think. This was the end of everything.

The next morning she went around to the office; they gave her her transportation back home and told her what boat she was going on and said she must sail in four days. After that she went back to the hotel and sat down in a chair again and tried to think. She couldn’t go home to Dallas like this. A note from Dick came around giving her the address of a doctor.

Do forgive me, he wrote. You’re a wonderful girl and I’m sure it’ll be all right.

She tore the thin blue letter up in little tiny pieces and dropped it out the window. Then she lay down on the bed and cried till her eyes burned. Her nausea came on and she had to go out in the hall to the toilet. When she lay down again she went to sleep for a while and woke up feeling hungry.

The day had cleared; sunlight was streaming into the room. She walked downstairs to the desk and called up G. H. Barrow in his office. He seemed delighted and said if she’d wait for him a half an hour, he’d come and fetch her out to lunch in the Bois; they’d forget everything except that it was spring and that they were beautiful pagans at heart. Daughter made a sour face, but said pleasantly enough over the phone that she’d wait for him.

When he came he wore a sporty grey flannel suit and a grey fedora hat. She felt very drab beside him in the darkgray uniform she hated so. “Why, my dearest little girl… you’ve saved my life,” he said. “Susu-spring makes me think of suicide unless I’m in lu-lu-love… I was feeling… er… er… elderly and not in love. We must change all that.” “I was feeling like that too.” “What’s the matter?” “Well, maybe I’ll tell you and maybe I won’t.” She almost liked his long nose and his long jaw today. “Anyway, I’m too starved to talk.” “I’ll do all the talking…” he said laughing. “Alwawaways do anywawaway… and I’ll set you up to the bububest meal you ever ate.”

He talked boisterously all the way out in the cab about the Peace Conference and the terrible fight the President had had to keep his principles intact. “Hemmed in by every sinister intrigue, by all the poisonous ghosts of secret treaties, with two of the cleverest and most unscrupulous manipulators out of oldworld statecraft as his opponents… He fought on… we are all of us fighting on… It’s the greatest crusade in history; if we win, the world will be a better place to live in, if we lose, it will be given up to Bolshevism and despair… you can imagine, Anne Elizabeth, how charming it was to have your pretty little voice suddenly tickle my ear over the telephone and call me away if only for a brief space from all this worry and responsibility… why, there’s even a rumor that an attempt has been made to poison the President at the hôtel Mûrat… it’s the President alone with a few backers and wellwishers and devoted adherents who is standing out for decency, fairplay and good sense, never forget that for an instant….” He talked on and on as if he was rehearsing a speech. Daughter heard him faintly like through a faulty telephone connection. The day too, the little pagodas of bloom on the horsechestnuts, the crowds, the overdressed children, the flags against the blue sky, the streets of handsome houses behind trees with their carved stonework and their iron balconies and their polished windows shining in the May sunshine; Paris was all little and bright and far away like a picture seen through the wrong end of a field glass. When the luncheon came on at the big glittery outdoor restaurant it was the same thing, she couldn’t taste what she was eating.

He made her drink quite a lot of wine and after a while she heard herself talking to him. She’d never talked like this to a man before. He seemed so understanding and kind. She found herself talking to him about Dad and how hard it had been giving up Joe Washburn, and how going over on the boat her life had suddenly seemed all new… “Somethin’ funny’s happened to me, I declare… I always used to get along with everybody fine and now I can’t seem to. In the N.E.R. office in Rome I couldn’t get along with any of those old cats, and I got to be good friends with an Italian boy, used to take me horseback riding an’ I couldn’t get along with him, and you know Captain Savage on the train to Italy who let us ride in his compartment, we went out to Tivoli with him,” her ears began to roar when she spoke of Dick. She was going to tell Mr. Barrow everything. “We got along so well we got engaged and now I’ve quarreled with him.”

She saw Mr. Barrow’s long knobbly face leaning towards her across the table. The gap was very wide between his front teeth when he smiled. “Do you think, Annie girl, you could get along with me a little?” He put his skinny puffyveined hand towards her across the table. She laughed and threw her head to one side, “We seem to be gettin’ along all right right now.”

“It would make me very happy if you could… you make me very happy, anyway, just to look at you… I’m happier at this moment than I’ve been for years, except perhaps for the mumumoment when the Covenant for the League of Nations was signed.”

She laughed again, “Well, I don’t feel like any Peace Treaty, the fact is I’m in terrible trouble.” She found herself watching his face carefully; the upper lip thinned, he wasn’t smiling any more.

“Why, what’s the mamamatter… if there was any wawaway I could… er… be of assistance… I’d be the happiest fellow in the world.”

“Oh, no… I hate losing my job though and having to go home in disgrace… that’s about the size of it… it’s all my fault for running around like a little nitwit.” She was going to break down and cry, but suddenly the nausea came on again and she had to hurry to the ladies’ room of the restaurant. She got there just in time to throw up. The shapeless leatherfaced woman there was very kind and sympathetic; it scared Daughter how she immediately seemed to know what was the matter. She didn’t know much French but she could see that the woman was asking if it was Madame’s first child, how many months, congratulating her. Suddenly she decided she’d kill herself. When she got back Barrow had paid the bill and was walking back and forth on the gravel path in front of the tables.

“You poor little girl,” he said. “What can be the matter? You suddenly turned deathly pale.”

“It’s nothing… I think I’ll go home and lie down… I don’t think all that spaghetti and garlic agreed with me in Italy… maybe it’s that wine.”

“But perhaps I could do something about finding you a job in Paris. Are you a typist or stenographer?”

“Might make a stab at it,” said Daughter bitterly. She hated Mr. Barrow. All the way back in the taxi she couldn’t get to say anything. Mr. Barrow talked and talked. When she got back to the hotel she lay down on the bed and gave herself up to thinking about Dick.

She decided she’d go home. She stayed in her room and although Mr. Barrow kept calling up asking her out and making suggestions about possible jobs she wouldn’t see him. She said she was having a bilious attack and would stay in bed. The night before she was to sail he asked her to dine with him and some friends and before she knew it she said she’d go along. He called for her at six and took her for cocktails at the Ritz Bar. She’d gone out and bought herself an evening dress at the Galleries Lafayette and was feeling fine, she was telling herself as she sat drinking the champagne cocktail, that if Dick should come in now she wouldn’t bat an eyelash. Mr. Barrow was talking about the Fiume situation and the difficulties the President was having with Congress and how he feared that the whole great work of the League of Nations was in danger, when Dick came in looking very handsome in his uniform with a pale older woman in grey and a tall stoutish lighthaired man, whom Mr. Barrow pointed out as J. Ward Moorehouse. Dick must have seen her but he wouldn’t look at her. She didn’t care anymore about anything. They drank down their cocktails and went out. On the way up to Montmartre she let Mr. Barrow give her a long kiss on the mouth that put him in fine spirits. She didn’t care; she had decided she’d kill herself.

Waiting for them at the table at the Hermitage Mr. Barrow had reserved, was a newspaper correspondent named Burnham and a Miss Hutchins who was a Red Cross worker. They were very much excited about a man named Stevens who had been arrested by the Army of Occupation, they thought accused of Bolshevik propaganda; he’d been courtmartialed and they were afraid he was going to be shot. Miss Hutchins was very upset and said Mr. Barrow ought to go to the President about it as soon as Mr. Wilson got back to Paris. In the meantime they had to get the execution stayed. She said Don Stevens was a newspaper man and although a radical not connected with any kind of propaganda and anyway it was horrible to shoot a man for wanting a better world. Mr. Barrow was very embarrassed and stuttered and hemmed and hawed and said that Stevens was a very silly young man who talked too much about things he didn’t understand, but that he supposed he’d have to do the best he could to try to get him out but that after all, he hadn’t shown the proper spirit…. That made Miss Hutchins very angry, “But they’re going to shoot him… suppose it had happened to you…” she kept saying. “Can’t you understand that we’ve got to save his life?”

Daughter couldn’t seem to think of anything to say as she didn’t know what they were talking about; she sat there in the restaurant looking at the waiters and the lights and the people at the tables. Opposite there was a party of attractive looking young French officers. One of them, a tall man with a hawk nose, was looking at her. Their eyes met and she couldn’t help grinning. Those boys looked as if they were having a fine time. A party of Americans dressed up like plush horses crossed the floor between her and the Frenchman. It was Dick and the pale woman and J. Ward Moorehouse and a big middleaged woman in a great many deep pink ruffles and emeralds. They sat down at the table next to Daughter’s table where there had been a sign saying Reservee all evening. Everybody was introduced and she and Dick shook hands very formally, as if they were the merest acquaintances. Miss Stoddard, whom she’d been so friendly with in Rome, gave her a quick inquisitive cold stare that made her feel terrible.

Miss Hutchins immediately went over and began talking about Don Stevens and trying to get Mr. Moorehouse to call up Colonel House right away and get him to take some action in his case. Mr. Moorehouse acted very quiet and calm and said he was sure she need have no anxiety, he was probably only being held for investigation and in any case he didn’t think the courtmartial in the Army of Occupation would take extreme measures against a civilian and an American citizen. Miss Hutchins said all she wanted was a stay because his father was a friend of La Follette’s and would be able to get together considerable influence in Washington. Mr. Moorehouse smiled when he heard that. “If his life depended on the influence of Senator La Follette, I think you would have cause to be alarmed, Eveline, but I think I can assure you that it doesn’t.” Miss Hutchins looked very cross when she heard that and settled back to glumly eating her supper. Anyway the party was spoiled. Daughter couldn’t imagine what it was that had made everybody so stiff and constrained; maybe she was imagining it on account of her and Dick. Now and then she gave him a sideways glance. He looked so different from the way she’d known him sitting there so prim and prissylooking, talking to the stout woman in pink in a low pompous whisper now and then. It made her want to throw a plate at him.

It was a relief when the orchestra started playing dance music. Mr. Barrow wasn’t a very good dancer and she didn’t like the way he kept squeezing her hand and patting her neck. After they were through dancing they went into the bar to have a gin fizz. The ceiling was hung with tricolor decoration; the four French officers were in there; there were people singing La Madelon de la Victoire and all the tough little girls were laughing and talking loud shrill French. Mr. Barrow was whispering in her ear all the time, “Darling girl, you must let me take you home tonight…. You mustn’t sail… I’m sure I can arrange everything with the Red Cross or whatever it is…. I’ve led such an unhappy life and I think I’d kill myself if I had to give you up… couldn’t you love me just a little… I’ve dedicated my life to unattainable ideals and here I am getting old without grasping true happiness for a moment. You’re the only girl I’ve ever known who seemed really a beautiful pagan at heart… appreciate the art of life.” Then he kissed her wetly in the ear.

“But, George, I can’t love anybody now… I have everybody.”

“Let me teach you… just give me a chance.”

“If you knew about me, you wouldn’t want me,” she said coldly. She caught again a funny scared look on his face and a thinning of his lips over his widely spaced teeth.

They went back to the table. She sat there fidgeting while everybody talked carefully, with long pauses, about the Peace Treaty, when it was going to be signed, whether the Germans would sign. Then she couldn’t stand it any longer and went to the ladies’ room to powder her nose. On the way back to the table she peeped into the bar to see what was going on in there. The hawknosed French officer caught sight of her, jumped to his feet, clicked his heels together, saluted, bowed and said in broken English, “Charming lady, will you not stay a moment and drink once with your umble servant?” Daughter went to their table and sat down. “You boys looked like you were having such a good time,” she said. “I’m with the worst old set of plush horses… They make me tired.” “Permettez, mademoiselle,” he said, and introduced her to his friends. He was an aviator. They were all aviation officers. His name was Pierre. When she told them her brother had been an aviator and had been killed, they were very nice to her. She couldn’t help letting them think Bud had been killed at the front. “Mademoiselle,” said Pierre solemnly, “allow me, with all possible respect, to be your brother.” “Shake,” she said. They all shook hands solemnly, they were drinking little glasses of cognac, but after that they ordered champagne. She danced with them all. She was very happy and didn’t care what happened. They were young goodlooking boys, all the time laughing and nice to her. They had clasped their hands and were dancing ring around the rosy in the middle of the floor while everybody around was clapping, when she saw Mr. Barrow’s face red and indignant in the door. Next time the doorway spun around she yelled over her shoulder. “Be back in a minute, teacher.” The face disappeared. She was dizzy but Pierre caught her and held her tight; he smelt of perfume but still she liked having him hold her tight.

He suggested they go somewhere else, “Mademoiselle Sistair,” he whispered, “allow us to show you the mystères de Paree… afterwards we can come back to your plus orsairs. They will probably become intoxicate… plus orsairs invariably intoxicate.” They laughed. He had grey eyes and light hair, he said he was a Norman. She said he was the nicest Frenchman she’d ever met. She had a hard time getting her coat from the checkroom because she didn’t have any check, but she went in and picked it out while Pierre talked French to the checkgirl. They got into a long low grey car; Daughter had never seen such speeding. Pierre was a fine driver though; he had a game of running full speed towards a gendarme and swerving just enough at the right moment. She said supposing he hit one; he shrugged his shoulders and said, “It does not mattair… they are… ow do you call it?… bloody cows.” They went to Maxims, where it was too quiet for them, then to a little tough dancehall way across Paris. Daughter could see that Pierre was wellknown everywhere and an Ace. The other aviators met girls in different places and dropped away. Before she realized it she and Pierre were alone in the long grey car. “Primo,” he was explaining, “we will go to Les Halles to eat soupe à l’oignon… and then I shall take you a little tour en avion.” “Oh, please do. I’ve never been up in a plane… I’d like to go up and loop the loop… promise you’ll loop the loop.” “Entendu,” he said.

They sat a little sleepily in a small empty eatingplace and ate onion soup and drank some more champagne. He was still very kind and considerate but he seemed to have exhausted his English. She thought vaguely about going back to the hotel and catching the boattrain, but all she seemed to be able to say was, “Loop the loop, promise me you’ll loop the loop.” His eyes had gotten a little glazy, “With Mademoiselle Sistair,” he said, “I do not make love… I make the loop the loop.”

It was a long drive out to the aviation field. A little greyness of dawn was creeping over everything. Pierre couldn’t drive straight any more, so that she had to grab the wheel once or twice to steady him. When they drew up with a jerk at the field she could see the row of hangars and three planes standing out in deepest blue and beyond, rows of poplartrees against the silver rim of the plain. Overhead the sky sagged heavily like a wet tent. Daughter got out of the car shivering. Pierre was staggering a little. “Perhaps you will go instead to bed… to bed it is very good,” he said yawning. She put her arm around him, “You promised you’d take me up and loop the loop.” “Allright,” he said angrily and walked towards one of the planes. He fumbled with the engine a while and she could hear him swearing in French. Then he went into the hangar to wake up a mechanic. Daughter stood there shivering in the growing silvery light. She wouldn’t think of anything. She wanted to go up in a plane. Her head ached but she didn’t feel nauseated. When the mechanic came back with Pierre she could make out that he was arguing with him trying to make him give up the flight. She got very sore: “Pierre, you’ve got to take me up,” she yelled at the two men sleepily arguing in French. “Aw-right, Mademoiselle Sistair.” They wrapped a heavy armycoat around her and strapped her very carefully in the observer’s seat. Pierre climbed into the pilot seat. It was a Bleriot monoplane, he said. The mechanic spun the propeller. The engine started. Everything was full of the roar of the engine. Suddenly she was scared and sober, thought about home and Dad and Buster and the boat she was going to take tomorrow, no it was today. It seemed an endless time with the engine roaring. The light was brighter. She started to fumble with the straps to unstrap them. It was crazy going up like this. She had to catch that boat. The plane had started. It was bouncing over the field, bouncing along the ground. They were still on the ground rumbling bouncing along. Maybe it wouldn’t go up. She hoped it wouldn’t go up. A row of poplars swept past below them. The motor was a settled roar now, they were climbing. It was daylight; a cold silver sun shone in her face. Underneath them was a floor of thick white clouds like a beach. She was terribly cold and stunned by the roar of the motor. The man in goggles in front of her turned around and yelled something. She couldn’t hear. She’d forgotten who Pierre was. She stretched her hand out towards him and waved it around. The plane went on climbing steadily. She began to see hills standing up in the light on either side of the white beach of clouds, must be the valley of the Seine full of fog; where was Paris? They were plunging into the sun, no, no, don’t, don’t, now it’s the end. The white clouds were a ceiling overhead, the sun spun around once first fast then slowly then the plane was climbing again. She felt terribly sick, she was afraid she was going to faint. Dying must be like this. Perhaps she’d have a miscarriage. Her body was throbbing with the roar of the engine. She had barely strength enough to stretch her hand toward him again and make the same motion. The same thing again. This time she didn’t feel so bad. They were climbing again into the blue sky, a wind must have come up because the plane was lunging a little, took an occasional sickening drop into a pocket. The face in the goggles turned around and swayed from side to side. She thought the lips formed the words, No good; but now she could see Paris like an embroidered pincushion, with all the steeples and the Eiffel Tower and the towers of the Trocadèro sticking up through a milky haze. The Sacré Cœur on Montmartre was very white and cast a shadow clear to the garden that looked like a map. Then it was behind them and they were circling over green country. It was rough and she began to feel sick again. There was a ripping sound of some kind. A little wire waving loose and glistening against the blue began to whine. She tried to yell to the man in the goggles. He turned and saw her waving and went up into another dive. This time. No. Paris, the Eiffel Tower, the Sacré Cœur, the green fields spun. They were climbing again. Daughter saw the shine of a wing gliding by itself a little way from the plane. The spinning sun blinded her as they dropped.