99 Stories of God

98. A New Arrangement

The Lord heard that people in the Southwest were adopting tortoises. He went to the Desert Museum, in Tucson, Arizona, and was told He had to fill out an application.

You have to provide an enclosure of one hundred square feet, a volunteer in charge of all the paperwork told Him. Can you do that, or have someone able assist you in doing that?

Yes, the Lord said.

You have to build a burrow.

Indeed.

Are you responsible? They need access to water.

I try to be very responsible.

That sometimes isn’t enough, she said tartly.

May I have two? the Lord inquired.

No. We don’t want them to breed. The reason they’re up for adoption is that there are too many of them now, they’re holding up building permits.

The Lord didn’t like enclosures. He was surprised He knew how to create one. The volunteer inspected it and found it adequate.

Some people put a little grass inside, she said. You can get a square of it at Home Depot.

Home Depot! the Lord cried, horrified. I will scatter some seed and have it grow.

She looked doubtful. They like mulberry leaves, we’ve found. Kale. No avocados. They’re not like chickens. You can’t toss anything and everything in there. Some people treat them like chickens.

The Lord was given his tortoise at last, a glorious young tortoise. They said very little to one another on the way back, both rather worried about this adoption business.