A Bride for Donnigan

Chapter Twenty-three

The Discovery

Donnigan was poring over the Scriptures again. It seemed to Kathleen that he spent most of his evenings reading portions, scribbling down notations and cross-checking verses.

“What are you looking for?” she asked him, using her teeth to bite off the thread that had just been sewn on a button.

“You shouldn’t do that,” Donnigan reminded her as he looked up.

She nodded. She knew she shouldn’t do it, but the scissors were across the room in her sewing basket.

“We’re missing something,” Donnigan went on in reply to her question. “I’m sure it’s here. I’m sure. If I can just get it all sorted out.”

Kathleen made no reply so Donnigan went on, scanning down his notes as he spoke. “God made man—man sinned—so God brought in the Law. If man sacrificed the animals and tried to obey—God was pleased.”

Kathleen nodded in agreement. Donnigan’s brow was still furrowed.

“You don’t think we should still be making sacrifices, do you?” asked Kathleen, a bit appalled at the thought.

“No—” replied Donnigan tapping his paper with the pencil. “Remember the verse that says, ‘Obedience is better than sacrifice.’ And Christ didn’t ask for sacrifice in the New Testament church.”

“So all we need to do is obey?” responded Kathleen, somewhat relieved.

“Yeah—but the problem is—none of us do.”

Kathleen wished to argue that statement. “I do,” she said quickly. “At least—I try.”

“That’s the point,” said Donnigan. “No matter how hard we try—we still don’t quite make it. Here in Romans it says, ‘For all have sinned.’ And again over here, ‘There is none righteous, no, not one.’ And the verse that really settles it is this one that says, ‘All our righteousnesses are as filthy rags.’ ”

Donnigan laid down his pencil and looked at her. Kathleen’s hands had stilled in her lap. It sounded to her as if there really wasn’t much hope.

“But something changed,” she reminded him. “All those verses about Jesus—why He came to earth—to die. Remember it said that He was the sacrifice—once—for all.”

“That’s why we no longer need the lambs and bulls,” said Donnigan, nodding.

“Then what’s missing?”

“I don’t know,” replied Donnigan slowly, leaning back in his chair and gazing at the open Book before him. “I don’t know what’s missing—except peace. Why don’t I have peace, Kathleen? Why am I still struggling?”

Kathleen did not reply. She did not have the answer.

Wallis called—just at mealtime. Kathleen should have been used to it—in fact, she was—but it always managed to irk her just a bit when she had to leave the table and get another plate for the neighbor man and crowd the children even closer together.

“Wondering how yer crops are doin’,” Wallis explained to Donnigan as though that were the reason for his visit.

Kathleen lowered her eyes quickly to her plate so her irritation wouldn’t show.

“Fine—just fine,” Donnigan replied. “And yours?”

“Fine—just fine.” Wallis reached for the bowl of carrots.

Wallis had never really gotten over Risa’s leaving. He didn’t seem as angry anymore and he had progressed to the point of weary acceptance. He knew she would never be back, as he had hoped for so many months—so many years.

“God made the crops,” piped up Rachel. Then returned to her eating.

“Ya sure got a nice-lookin’ bunch of spring calves,” Wallis said around a bite of warm biscuit.

Donnigan nodded. They were nice.

“God made the calves,” said Rachel.

Wallis frowned and took a big bite of potatoes and gravy. After he had chewed for a few minutes, he lifted his head again.

“Did ya get much outta thet rain shower last night? I figured it sure did come at the right time.”

Before Donnigan could answer, Rachel said in a sing-songy voice, “God made the rain.”

Wallis, dumbfounded, looked at the child. Then he turned back to Donnigan. “What do you do, Donnigan? Spend all yer time religioning yer young?”

“Not all my time,” replied Donnigan evenly.

The silence hung heavy in the room for several minutes. Even the children seemed to sense it and stopped their usual prattle.

Donnigan was the one to break it. “You don’t seem to put much stock in religious training,” he said to Wallis.

Wallis continued to chew; then he lifted his eyes and replied dourly, “It’s not I’m all agin’ it. My folks were plenty religious. I had more’n my share in my growin’ up—but a man can go too far with it, seems to me.”

Donnigan would have liked to ask, “And how far is too far?” but his attention had been caught by Wallis’s earlier statement.

“You’ve had your share? What? What were you taught?”

Wallis shifted uneasily. He reached up and scratched his uncombed hair with the blunt end of the fork he held in his hand.

“Well, I—I don’t know as I recall all the—the—You know the usual, I guess.”

“Like,” prompted Donnigan, leaning forward in his eagerness.

Wallis still hesitated.

“Go on—please,” said Donnigan.

“Well—you know the stuff. God made everybody and—”

“We know that story,” called out Timothy. “It’s in the Bible.”

“Then Eve et the apple—and she gave some to Adam—and he et a bite and then God sent them from the garden and told ’em never to go back.”

All Donnigan’s children could have told those stories—likely better than the grizzled man.

“Then—” prompted Donnigan.

“Well, then ya got all those stories ’bout those other fellas, Noah and Joseph and Elijah and sech,” went on Wallis.

With a look Donnigan silenced his children, who seemed about to explode with their own knowledge of those Bible characters. He was anxious to hear what the man had to say. Maybe he had the last piece to the puzzle.

“And then ya get to the next part,” went on Wallis slowly. “Where Jesus is born.”

“Go on,” said Donnigan.

Kathleen had stopped eating. She leaned forward almost as eagerly as did Donnigan.

“Well, He went about healin’ people and helpin’ the poor and trying to teach what was the right way to live an’ fergivin’ their sins an’—”

“How?” broke in Donnigan. “Forgive sins—how?”

“How?” Wallis sounded caught off guard. He also sounded puzzled. “How?” he repeated. “Guess God Almighty is the only one who knows thet.”

Donnigan felt acute disappointment. But he refused to give up. “Did you ever have your sins forgiven?” he pressed the older man.

Wallis blushed under his bearded cheeks.

“Me? Not me,” he hastened to answer.

“Did you see anyone else?”

“Well—sure—lots of folks.” Wallis sounded a bit put out. One wouldn’t have attended his church, with his folks, without seeing a good number of folks praying for forgiveness.

“How?” asked Donnigan.

“Well—ya gotta go up front of the church—or wherever—sometimes it was at one of them there tent meetings, an’ kneel down and cry some, at thet—they call it an altar, I remember now—ya gotta go to the altar—an’ cry and ask God to fergive ya fer the bad ya done.”

Donnigan eased upright in his chair. An altar. They did not have one. Kathleen met his eyes.

“I wonder if there’s an altar left behind in that church,” she said aloud.

“Oh, I’m sure they is,” said Wallis. “Church always has an altar.”

Donnigan’s memory began to stir. The Bible spoke of an altar. When God gave the people the tabernacle, and later the temple, He spoke of the altar. The altar was where the sacrifices took place.

“Did they—did they make sacrifices at the altar?” he asked hesitantly.

“Sacrifices? Ya mean like slayin’ things? Naw. They didn’t do nothin’ like thet. Preacher said we was to give ourselves—a livin’ sacrifice.”

“A living sacrifice? What does that mean?” asked Kathleen.

“I don’t know. Preacher talk, I guess. I don’t know.”

“A living sacrifice,” said Donnigan. “You know, there’s a verse that talks about that. I saw it again just last night. In Acts. No—no. Romans, I think.”

Donnigan hurried away to get the Bible. He spent a few minutes turning the pages while the rest of the people around the table sat in perfect silence.

“Here it is in Romans 12:1: ‘I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.’ ”

Donnigan frowned—reread the verse, then shook his head.

“It says ‘service,’ ” said Kathleen. “Do you think—?”

“It must mean something about living to serve God,” said Donnigan, still studying the verse.

Then he lifted his eyes again to Wallis.

“Do you understand it?” he asked the man.

Wallis scratched his head again. The whole conversation was making him dreadfully uncomfortable—and it was so close and warm in the room. He reached up to loosen his shirt and run a finger around his collar.

“Well, ya can’t serve Him when ya got sin—thet much I was told,” went on the man. “I don’t think He really wants much to do with ya when—when ya ain’t yet made yer confession.”

“Confession?” asked Donnigan.

“Sure, confession,” said Wallis, looking a trifle upset with their lack of understanding. “Ya gotta confess yer sins—thet’s what ya go to the altar fer.”

Donnigan knew there were many verses that spoke of confession. He made a mental note to look them up and study them that evening.

“Then ya just—just—I think they say—accept,” went on Wallis. “Thet’s how ya be born agin.”

Jesus had used those words with Nicodemus, Donnigan remembered. Born again. Born of the Spirit, Jesus had gone on to say. Donnigan felt excitement. The pieces were slowly falling into place.

“An’ thet’s all there is to it,” said Wallis, wishing to get himself out of his present situation.

“You were taught that—in your church?” plied Donnigan.

“Yep. Shore was,” said Wallis without hesitation.

“But you didn’t confess?”

Wallis looked up slowly, then shook his head.

“But—why? I mean—if you had the teaching—if you knew it worked—why—?”

To their surprise the man began to shift nervously on his chair. He looked down at his calloused hands and rubbed them together in agitation. When he at last looked up his eyes were clouded.

“It worked—fer others. I saw thet. But—well—I was young. I wanted to—well—to do things my own way—be my own boss. I figured there was plenty of time fer religion when … someday,” he replied simply.

He raised his arm to wipe his sweaty forehead on his shirt sleeve.

“Weren’t thet it didn’t work,” he went on to say. “It was me. I got feelin’ kinda ornery like. Wanted to sow my oats. My mama—” He stopped again. “I was about ready to think on it agin when—when—Risa—”

He stirred again.

“But it ain’t been a smart thing to do,” he finished lamely. “I ain’t had me much peace.”

“But—others? You’ve seen others with peace?” asked Donnigan softly. He just had to know.

“Ya mean when they went to the altar and confessed? Yeah. I did. I sure did.” The old man managed a wobbly smile and brushed again at his forehead.

I’ve got to find us an altar, thought Donnigan. For all of us. That’s what we need—a place to confess—and accept.

Donnigan made a trip to town. The church door was still bolted shut. In fact, there was a double lock on the door. Donnigan rattled the locks, but knew there was no way to open them without the proper keys.

He walked around to the window, pressed his face against the glass and peered in. He could see nothing that he understood to be an altar. There was only a small stand at the front where one could maybe lay a book, and a little railing that went around it. Donnigan was disappointed. If he knew what an altar looked like, perhaps he could build his own.

Sadly he turned away. Then he thought of the elderly couple he had visited a number of years before. Maybe they would know about an altar. Maybe they even had the key to the door.

But when he knocked on the door, it was a new face that greeted him. “Oh, ya mean old Joseph Reed?” said the woman. “They moved off to somewhere. We been in the house for ’most a year now. No, I don’t know where they went. He was rather poorly. ’Spose they went off to kin somewhere.”

Again Donnigan felt disappointment. As a last resort he headed for Lucas.

After a time of small talk and inquiring of Erma and their four girls, Donnigan dived right in.

“You’re a man who has lots of knowledge about lots of things. What can you tell me about an altar?”

“An altar?”

Donnigan nodded.

Lucas sat quietly thinking, seeming to be reaching for answers.

“Well, the Incas used them for their—”

“I’m not talking Incas here,” said Donnigan. “I’m talking the Lord’s altar, the one church folks use.”

Lucas was silent for a minute; then he confessed with no seeming shame, “I’ve never researched religion,” and Donnigan was disappointed again.

Donnigan went back to the Bible. He studied the altar in the Old Testament that had been built of shittim wood and overlaid with pure gold. Was that really the kind God demanded? If so, it was no wonder it hadn’t been left behind in the locked-up church, and if so, there wasn’t much chance of Donnigan getting one.

Donnigan shifted instead to the study of confession and acceptance.

He found a lot of verses. He began to put them together. As he studied they began to make a lot of sense. He reread many of the New Testament stories. The preaching of John, the calling of the twelve, the conversion of Paul—then the ministry of the disciples. As he read there seemed to be a new understanding coming to him.

Confession. Rebirth. That was what was really happening. Over and over—the people who were told of Christ and became His followers were being received through confession of their sin and acceptance of His forgiveness. And Donnigan didn’t find one verse where it talked about needing an altar in order to be “reborn.” He jotted notes quickly as he went from passage to passage. His fingers were trembling and his face pale. Was that it? Was that the answer he had searched so hard to find? The one that should have been so obvious from the beginning?

It was all there. There were no missing pieces. It all fit beautifully together. You bowed before a merciful God, confessed your sins, and begged His pardon. Then you accepted, with thanksgiving, His sacrifice on the cross on your behalf. He was the Lamb. The Lamb killed and offered up for every sinner. He washed away your sin stains with His own blood and made you clean so that you could present yourself as a living servant of God the Father. And you did not need an altar. God accepted you wherever you were. At whatever time you came with your confession.

God had accepted Saul in the middle of the dusty road to Damascus. The Philippian jailer in the dank, dark dungeon. The Ethiopian in the carriage under the hot sun of the desert.

“Kathleen. Kathleen,” Donnigan said excitedly. “I’ve found it. I’ve found it. It was here all the time. Look—right here. You don’t need an altar. There can be peace—real peace for all of us. All you need is here in this verse. Look! ‘If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.’ ”

Donnigan looked up, his face flushed with excitement. “Now all we need is to find the prayers so that we can pray them,” he said.

They were getting closer.

Donnigan shared the verse with his family the next morning, the thrill of his new discovery edging his voice.

They looked at him, some eyes uncaring, some showing confusion, and others registering no response at all.

“What does it mean?” asked Fiona candidly. “What’s confess?”

“Well, you remember that we talked about Adam sinning—and then every one of us since that time finding it very easy to sin after that?”

Fiona nodded.

“Well—confessing is admitting that you have sinned. Here—here’s another verse. It talks about repenting. Repenting is feeling sorry about what you have done wrong and turning away from doing it anymore. So you admit to God that you have done wrong—and you feel sorry about doing it.”

“Like Eamon and the fire,” put in Timothy. “He told Mama he did it—and he was real sorry.”

Donnigan could not help but wonder if young Eamon would have been sorry if he had not burned his hands in the incident.

“God hates sin,” Donnigan went on to get the lesson back on track. “Sin spoils everything. He can’t allow sinful people to go to His heaven. The sin would spoil heaven, too.”

Donnigan intended to continue his explanation, but a quivering voice stopped him. It was the small Brenna who broke in. “Daddy.”

Donnigan turned to look at his child and was surprised to see that her eyes were filled with tears and her chin was trembling.

“I want to tell God sorry,” she sobbed.

For one long minute Donnigan seemed to hold his breath. He was about to say, “But we don’t know the prayer—yet.” Then he looked at Kathleen. He noticed that her eyes were misted, but she nodded her head. It seemed quite right to let the young Brenna tell God that she was sorry in her own childish way.

A short time later Brenna walked away with all traces of tears gone and a smile lighting her petite face.

“I told God sorry and now He’s not cross at me anymore,” she informed Fiona.

“But you have to be good now,” warned Fiona, “or He’ll get cross again.”

For one brief minute Brenna frowned and then her face brightened. “Daddy said that Jesus will help me to be good—and if I really do something wrong, then I’ll tell God sorry again.”

“Well—you can’t just plan on doing that, you know,” said Fiona matter-of-factly. “You have to really, really, really try to be good.”

Brenna shrugged her tiny shoulders. “I will,” she said with a toss of her head. “I don’t want to make God sad again.”

That seemed to settle it.

Donnigan went to his outside work and the children all went to play or to care for chores. Kathleen was left alone in her kitchen with the events of the morning filling her mind. At the thought of young Brenna, her eyes filled with tears. The child had really seemed to understand what she was doing. She had been so filled with sorrow as she cried out her plea for forgiveness. And she had been so filled with joy when she felt her little prayer had been answered.

Kathleen kept thinking about it as she kneaded the day’s batch of bread.

“That’s really what I need,” she told herself. “Perhaps it would take care of the heaviness of heart I’ve been feeling. I’ve been trying so hard to be good since we’ve been reading the Bible. I’ve been trying so hard to forgive—Madam—but I can’t. I guess it’s just like the Book says, our righteousness is as filthy rags, because we never quite are able to do what we try so hard to do.”

Tears were running down Kathleen’s cheeks at the troubling thoughts. At last she turned from the bread dough, wiped her hands on her apron, and made her way to the bedroom. She knelt down beside her bed and turned her face heavenward. “God,” she cried, tears streaming down her cheeks, “I’m like Brenna. I want to tell you I’m sorry. For all the wrong—all the—the sin in my life. Forgive me, Lord. Please forgive me—and make my heart clean like you have promised—through—through the blood of your Son, Jesus.”

There were a few moments of silence—followed by a softly whispered, “Thank you, Lord. Thank you.”

Kathleen could not have explained the deep feeling of peace that was stealing over her whole being.

Donnigan tossed another fork of hay into the manger for the milk cow. He was still shaken by Brenna’s simple prayer. Was that what Jesus had meant when He had spoken of becoming like a little child? Donnigan concluded that it well might be. Her faith had been so simple—so complete—her prayer so earnest from her childish heart—and she had walked away with a smile on her face and a lightness to her step.

“That’s what I’ve been wanting—longing for,” Donnigan told himself. “But I’ve been making the whole thing so difficult. Trying to sort it all out—make sure I was doing everything right. And it is as simple as that. Calling out to God—telling Him we’re sorry.”

Donnigan shook his head. His cheeks were wet with the wonder of the discovery.

“So what am I waiting for?” he suddenly said to Black. “Now that I know—why don’t I just—?”

And Donnigan tossed his fork into the pile of hay and fell on his knees in the bedding straw.

“Oh, God,” he began. “I come like Brenna. Thank you that you showed us the Way through a little child. We don’t need fancy prayers. Special words. We just need to come to you with honesty—and talk to you, Lord.

“Forgive me, Lord. Forgive me and give me your peace and cleansing. Help me to be the husband—the father—that I need to be. Help me to be a living sacrifice. Acceptable to you for the sake of Jesus—your Son—our Lamb. I love you, Lord. Help me to show it—through my life—through obedience.”

Donnigan waited in silence—his head bowed—his hands clasped in front of him.

A strange and gentle calm seemed to move into the crude farm structure and surround him. He couldn’t have explained why, but he knew that his prayer had been answered.

Kathleen ran from the little house. “Donnigan. Donnigan.” He would be so happy to learn that she had found the Way—the One that they had been searching for.

But before she had crossed the small yard she saw the barn door open and Donnigan was running toward her.

“I found it—I found Him!” he called across the short distance.

She could tell by his glowing face that he had something exciting to share.

“You, too?” she called back as she continued to run to meet him.

“And you?” he responded.

“Yes,” she laughed, the joy bubbling up within her. “Yes!”

“Oh, Kathleen,” he managed just before he reached her.

With shining eyes and overflowing hearts, they threw their arms around each other and joyfully laughed and cried together. Nearby, several small heads lifted and little eyes watched in curiosity and awe.

Then Fiona said simply, “Guess they’re happy ’bout something.”

“I think I know,” replied Brenna, her eyes glowing again.