A Late Divorce

MONDAY

What do I care? We have to talk in whispers in the morning to keep the radio down to hold the baby all the time so she won’t cry when I called at noon yesterday and she said he was still sleeping I warned her she better wake him or he’d never sleep at night it’s not jet lag anymore it’s depression but she said let him sleep what do you care. I don’t but I do that all last night he was up around the house again and wouldn’t let us sleep. There’s no night or day around here anymore by the time his inner clock is reset he’ll be on his way back to America and meanwhile our clock is off too not mine but Ya’el’s because I won’t give in to this lunacy no one keeps me from sleeping once in the army I even dozed off under fire. Someone has to stay sane in all this chaos I have an office to run and a murder trial waiting for me I can’t afford to be a shadow of myself like her for the past three days getting maybe five hours’ sleep how can I even think of sex with her. But it’s almost over. Tomorrow we’ll ship the old man to Jerusalem let Mr. Young Ph.D. and his little nun of a wife look after their dad for a while and I’ll look after my biological accounts don’t think I’ve forgotten the pleasures outstanding how much pleasure is left in this goddamn life anyway. As long as we’re alive and kicking we’ve got a lay coming to us now and then what we don’t do now we’ll never make up for later. The real loser will be Gaddi. All week long he’s heard nothing but grandpa grandpa he must have thought a good angel was coming down from heaven I told her why put ideas in his head what good’s all this grandpa stuff to him what good’s your whole family to us there hasn’t been a day in the last seven years when we could even leave the boy with them and take a vacation for ourselves. Some families come with grandmothers free of charge to raise the children while the parents run around the world but what’s your mother ever done for us except get herself locked up thirty kilometers from here so that we can burn ten liters of gas to go visit her twice a month. Still not even to have brought the boy some kind of present is really too much. He forgot. He wanted to forget. His own self he never forgets. Let alone that during twelve hours in an airplane where every minute someone’s trying to sell you whiskey or cigarettes for a song he might have thought of me too it’s me after all who’s getting him his freedom who’s treating him to a new life what would it have cost him to bring me a nice little bottle of French cognac he lives in dollarland anyway life’s so much easier for him. But leave me out of it forget about me I don’t count I don’t need his damn liquor how many grandchildren do you have grandpa? Just one besides the baby. The baby you can forget she’ll never know you were here but the boy’s gone gaga over you all week long he kept looking at the globe to see how you would come he made you a big welcome grandpa sign with flowers as tall as trees I mean he was ecstatic so how the hell could you forget to bring him even a small toy something symbolic it’s not that he needs things you can go to his room and see for yourself but you live in toy universe couldn’t you have brought him something we’d all get a kick out of a remote-control car or some tank that shoots little shells? Two grandchildren here in Haifa are all you have there won’t be any more so soon trust Kedmi’s intuition on that you’d need the Holy Ghost to make one in Jerusalem and some new facts of life in Tel Aviv. So at eleven o’clock last night after the boy’s hung silently around you all day you actually remember that you should have brought him something and begin to apologize that the trip wasn’t planned and that you had no time to shop and could I please buy him something for you that’s my latest job to buy the presents you’ve forgotten and in the end you won’t even pay me back for them I could see it the minute you got up to look for your wallet as soon as just to be polite I whispered don’t bother you collapsed right back into your chair looking for wallets must fatigue you.

All right then so we’ll buy him something to remember you by when you’re gone maybe he will. The poor kid has only one grandfather I’ve got a stake in your image and believe me presents are important to kids. They remember the times they’ve had by the presents they’ve gotten I know what goes on in his mind we’re like the same person I handle him like I handle myself. The boy knows where it’s at he’s got a good head for sums. You should have heard what his arithmetic teacher told me he even found some mistake that she’d made. He’s from my side of the family not yours he’s like me that’s why I’m so crazy about him. If only he weren’t growing up too serious for this ridiculous world.

“So who’s this boy who calls you Boxer?”

“He’s from 3A.”

“What’s his name? Who are his parents?”

“I don’t know.”

“But what’s he like?”

“Kind of skinny. Small.”

“So what are you afraid of him for? Sock it to him where it hurts.”

“I already did.”

“When??”

“Yesterday. I knocked him down. He even bled.”

“Easy there, Gaddi, easy. We don’t want to leave any marks. Don’t forget that you’re in a special class already.”

But you’ve got to hand it to him. He can take care of himself even if I do now notice a black-and-blue mark on his forehead. The way those quiet brown eyes take me in that mouth quickly shoveling it away it’s the same nervous hunger that shot me up to a meter eighty-one even if I have ten kids someday and I won’t the fat little sweetheart will always have a special place in my heart.

“C’mon, Gaddi, that’s enough. I’ve got to go. I have a crazy day ahead of me.”

A crazy day with crazy people. But what do I care I said I’d do it and I will as long as they let me do it my way. Just let the family keep out of it and I’ll hand the old folks their divorce all signed sealed and delivered. A really neat job. Just all of you keep out of it. If there’s an ounce of sanity among you you’ll leave it to me to find a painless way out of this forty-year-old neurotic mess. You’re lucky to have found a lawyer to marry into this family of yours so have a little faith in him after all you’re not paying me a cent for this relax I wouldn’t think of taking it anyway.

“C’mon, Gaddi, you’ve had enough. You’ll be late for school. Leave room for your ten o’clock snack.”

The kid’s gotten used to eating too much when no one’s looking. Ya’el comes into the kitchen half asleep gray these last few days have been the death of her I get up to give her a big hug and a kiss not that I feel like it just to show her I’m still boss.

“You’re sure you don’t want me to come with you?”

“Absolutely not. You’ll only complicate things. As soon as she sees you she’ll think of some new way to be crazy. With me she talks plain prose, with you she starts spouting poetry. Let me do it my way, for God’s sake. Why don’t you spend some time with your father? You haven’t seen him for three years. What did you take off from work for? And there’s still the family seder to think of, why should you run around with me all day? I’m going. If the secretary calls, tell her to sit tight and that I’m on my way…. Yes, I’ll see the doctor first. It’s not just a medical issue, it’s a legal one too. What’s this? What’s in this bag?…Vitamin powder for the dog? I swear to God… All right, all right, I’ll give it to her. A work of genius could be written about that dog if only you could find the genius to write it. Don’t you have some new novel for her to read?…All right, all right. I’ll call during the day. We’ll be in touch. Don’t worry, and whatever you do don’t forget to tell the secretary to wait. Gaddi, I’m off!”

Yesterday it rained and gusted today the sun’s beating down how can you expect stability in a country with such weather? The can keep streaming down the hill no one stops to let you in you might think from the rush that people actually work around here they just want to punch in quick so they can go moonlight somewhere eke. Honk you stinking Subaru screech till your brakes burn it’s my road too I pay enough taxes for it.

To think that once I went to this school too I’d kill myself if I had to go back how scared I was of those shitassed teachers but he looks like he actually enjoys it the jaunty way he bounces out of the car. Where are those traffic monitors they promised? Don’t tell me young kids have started striking too. I’ll just wait to watch him cross the street. I don’t like to think of his walking home by himself with all these crazy cars zooming around. Honk honk your head off you fucking Volvo you just wait till my son crosses the street you bitch if you’re itching to kill some child this morning go find another one than mine.

That’s it. I can’t see him anymore among the children. When they’re babies you don’t feel a thing for them but the older they get the wilder you become about them. That’s all life is in the end just a few people no matter how grand no matter how complicated no matter how wretched so spare them a smile if you can.

“Morning.”

My secretary is huddled by the electric heater small dark and bitter if she goes on like this only the heater will want to marry her.

“Are you cold, Levana? And here I was thinking I’d actually seen a little bit of sunlight outside — or was I mistaken?”

She glances up at me darkly with that look that’s already driven more than one client away.

“For the forty thousand pounds that I pay you per month plus all the fringe benefits don’t I at least deserve one smile in the morning? Or do I have to pay extra for that?”

By the time she gets it and gives me a twisted smile I feel sorry for having made fun of her. And it’s only on her good days that she gets one out of every ten jokes that I tell her. When I opened a private practice two years ago after getting fed up with financing a new Cadillac for Mr. Advocate Gordon each year I was advised by those in the know to take an old maid with two years of high school it will cost you less they said and you can be sure she’ll sit faithfully in the office and not run to the doctor every day with a sick baby what they forgot to mention was that you can also be sure of perpetual gloom stuck to a chair a foot away from you and of a big hike in the electric bill.

“Was there any mail?”

“No.”

That aggrieved tone of voice. They can’t forgive us for having rescued them from the caves of the Atlas Mountains and introduced them to civilization.

“Did anyone call from the district court to let us know if they’ve set a date for our murder trial?”

“No.”

“Did Mr. Goren call to tell us when he sent that check of his that he never sent?”

“No.”

“Did anyone call this morning, was anyone in the office?”

“No.”

I pay her forty thousand pounds a month to hear her say no all day long. Two hundred pounds for each no.

“All right, then. Call Goren right away and tell him that I still haven’t gotten his check and that if he doesn’t get it to me this morning I’m not going to the rabbinical court tomorrow and he can stay married a few years more ”

A fancy divorce settlement that I finished two months ago. In the end it upsets people to realize that they’ve gone to a lawyer when they could have gotten the same deal on their own if only they’d kept their cool. Maybe they could have but it takes a certain amount of intelligence to know when you’ve run into a blank wall most people prefer to bang their heads against it and then hire a lawyer to explain to them that it can’t be moved. Why is she looking at me like that in a minute she’ll be asking me what Goren’s number is.

“I don’t know Mr. Goren’s telephone number.”

“And why indeed should you? I’ve only given it to you thirty times. It’s a pity you can’t move away from that heater, because if you could you might free your legs enough to get to the telephone book. When is your birthday?”

“Why?”

“I want to know. Is it a secret? Do I have to find it out from the police?”

“June tenth.”

“Then maybe you could move it up a bit so that I can buy you the present I’ve been meaning to — an electric blanket to wrap yourself in so as not to be addicted to that heater…”

Those dark Moroccan eyes regard me does she get it or am I jerking off another joke in vain she’s already cried more than once over my jokes in a second she’ll cry again I’ll have to add the cost of all that Kleenex to the electric bill.

“I was only kidding. Don’t take me so seriously. I see you’re feeling low this morning. Did something happen at home?”

“No.”

Her father must have beat her. Those primitives run amuck before each Jewish holiday or maybe one of them’s in jail I already once had to bail out a brother of hers after he socked somebody in the market that’s how I made the acquaintance of a family of greengrocers for my fee they sent me a check drawn on eggplant we ate them for a whole month now when I see one I cross to the other side of the street. It was clever of them to plant a daughter in a lawyer’s office though if you intend to run regularly afoul of the law you need dependable legal coverage.

She gets up and goes to the stack of telephone books she turns their pages as though they were the Talmud. Let’s see how long it takes her.

“I won’t be in the office this morning. I told you yesterday that I’d be out today, didn’t I?”

“Yes.”

Yes? Did she really say yes? All is not lost there’s still hope.

“Did you finish typing that agreement that I gave you the day before yesterday?”

“Yes. It’s on your desk.”

Yes again. If she keeps it up she’ll find a husband after all the agreement is in fact on my desk I can’t deny she makes clean copies she works slowly but surely.

“Did you guess who the parties in it are?”

“No.”

“That’s just as well.”

She looks at me with huge surprised eyes like a witness japped by the prosecution she won’t have any peace of mind until she japs me back.

“If you’d look for Goren in the Haifa phone book instead of in the Tel Aviv one you might find him there before noon.”

She’s so alarmed she drops the phone book but I look at my feet to avoid embarrassing her the phone book’s not made out of glass after all the phone company’s taken her into account.

I quickly read the divorce agreement I drew up. A good one a really good one. In a few years I can publish a treatise on divorce and get a university chair. Everybody’s uncle writes a book in this country and everybody’s cousin praises it in the newspapers so why not let the world see for itself the grade-A work that I do. I just hope the old lady signs today with no problems. When I was alone with him in the living room last night I said be a sport don’t quibble over each cent don’t forget you live in dollars now the Messiah himself when he comes couldn’t up the value of the Israeli pound against them do you know how many men over sixty would love to get a divorce like this and trade in the old jalopy? He sat shocked in the shadow of the unlit lamp looking at me angrily a savage glitter in his glasses he jumped up shaking flushed with rage I was sure he was going to hit me. Maybe it’s true that I come on as a bastard I’ve got a big mouth my poor dead father used to say there’s no clutch between your brain and your tongue though it was he who taught me that style it’s just that he had to aim most of his jokes at himself since who’d have laughed at them if he hadn’t? How he used to lose his temper with me yet secretly pleased with me too two hours before he died with twenty tubes stuck up him I still got a laugh out of him but he had a sense of humor how many people like that do you find nowadays? I have to be more careful. Once I made a gag in court I waited for the merry tinkle of laughter it was so quiet you could hear a pin drop one of the judges was so stunned he nearly fell off the dais. I thought I’d be debarred for it in the end I got off with a reprimand. What can you do? That’s the world we live in. The trouble is that sometimes I regret having said things myself it’s not that I really think of her like that I’ve learned to respect and even to like her although those first years she wasn’t totally human I mean the way it’s defined in the encyclopedias.

But what could I tell him that I’m sorry then he’d think I’d really meant it so I just waited for him to insult me back because at least if I hurt people’s feelings I’m willing to have mine hurt too let him say what he wants that I’m fat that I’m clumsy that I’m a very mediocre lawyer I’ll even write his lines for him something really mean he’ll see I’m the first to applaud him but he didn’t say a thing he just spun around dumbstruck in the room how I hate all these people with thin skins.

“Maybe you’d like a glass of some good, special cognac?”

But he refused with an angry wave of his hand as though chasing away a fly and left the room. Let him suit himself. Afterwards when I undressed in the bedroom Ya’el kept asking me what did you say to him. What did you say? Did you say something to him? I only said he should be a little more generous. That’s all? Yes that’s all. For sensitive souls like him that’s apparently too much come to sleep do you know how many nights it’s been since you’ve fulfilled your connubial duty I could get a rabbinical permit for adultery but she just looked at me mournfully and walked out in the middle of the sentence. The family’s falling apart. The last bastion.

Should I go or wait for the mail?

Levana comes to tell me that Goren insists that he sent me the check four days ago. The thought that a check for a hundred thousand in my name is making the rounds of this town in the hands of those morons in the post office is enough to give me the willies. I asked him the day before yesterday didn’t you at least send it registered. It turned out it hadn’t even occurred to him. When he married his wife ten years ago it didn’t occur to him that he might want to dump her one day either. Should I go or wait for the mail?

It’s so quiet. What’s going on here? No one needs me today? No one killed anyone last night? No one stole no one burgled no one cheated no one put his hand in the till? No one wants to sell an apartment or to rent anything? Anyone reading the newspapers might think that half of Israel does nothing but earn a living for us let him come and see the quiet in the lawyers’ offices there are too many of us wolves all waiting for the same prey. Well if nobody needs me I’ll go visit my murderer and from there to the loony bin. A charming itinerary isn’t it?

“All right, Levana, I’m on my way. If the check comes, deposit it right away in the bank before it can bounce. And when you’ve warmed up, take a wet rag and clean off our sign below. All that soot on it doesn’t make us look good. The whole world thinks that all lawyers are shysters; we’ll never convince it otherwise, but at least it needn’t think that we’re dirty ones.”

Suddenly the phone rings I can tell from the sound that it’s someone in the family still I let Levana answer if she doesn’t keep busy she’ll degenerate completely it’s part of what I’m paying her for I’ve had to teach myself not to grab at the phone people think more of you if they have to ask a secretary for you.

It’s Tsvi from Tel Aviv. All in a tizzy. A few minutes ago he spoke with Ya’el and heard that I was going there alone and he thinks (why shouldn’t he have thoughts too?) that it’s out of the question someone from the family must come with me if not Ya’el then himself he’ll come right away he’ll cancel everything (what could he possibly have to cancel?) and join me because we have to break it gently it’s not just a formality there’s the doctor to talk to as well she may get emotional when she hears that he’s in Israel it will be very painful for her…

I let him talk the call from Tel Aviv is on him so what’s the rush. He can talk all he wants. I’m listening. It’s his right. In the family they say that he’s the problematic middle child that he’s very close to his mother not that I’ve ever seen proof of it it’s all purely theoretical long-distance sympathy. Since she was put away five years ago he and his brother have kept the fifth commandment strictly by phone. If Moses had thought of such a possibility he could have gotten by with nine. I the stranger who thank God doesn’t have a drop of her blood in my body have visited her more often than her two sons put together and now they want to mess things up for me.

“Do you hear me, Kedmi? Wait there and I’ll come with you.”

“Don’t bother. Either I go see her by myself or else you can count me out. You can find yourselves another lawyer, it will cost you fifty thousand smackers plus tax just for the right to talk to him. You have no idea how lucky you are that I’m both in the business and a member of this family. If I didn’t exist you’d have to invent me. You’re wrong if you think that I’m nothing but a big oaf with a loose tongue. You have no monopoly on either pain or gentleness.” I glance at my secretary sitting silently with her head down playing with her pencil lapping up every goddamn word. “I have an old mother too and I know what it’s like. I’ll know how to handle her. I’ve already talked to her several times, I’ve done the groundwork and prepared her. She’s a lot stronger and saner than you think. We have a good, unsentimental, working relationship, even the dog’s taken a liking to me lately…. Where are you talking from, home? Then there’s time to explain to you exactly what my plan is….”

In the end he manages to hang up on me. It’s almost ten o’clock am I going or not. Maybe the check will still come I’ll feel better if I deposit it myself. I dial Ya’el.

“Yes, Tsvi called me…. No, he’s not coming with me…. Yes, I’m being stubborn. If someone has to be stubborn, it damn well better be me. Is your father still sleeping?…He had to come all the way to Israel to learn the fine art of slumber…. What did I say to him? I already told you, I didn’t say a thing. Tell me what he said that I said, go on, I want to hear…. If you don’t know stop hassling me, I’m hassled enough as it is…. Because I’ll go see her by myself. I’ll get her to sign, you’ll see it will all work out…. All right….All right….All right….All right…. I’ll only say what’s absolutely necessary. Ten percent of my average output.”

I know she’s smiling now into the phone that wise tender smile that I married her for not like Levana’s who isn’t missing a word her curly African head down grinning to herself for sheer joy. Hats off to her I never would have thought that she knew what average output meant. I can see that if I want to keep up her morale I have to crack some joke at my own expense every hour on the hour.

“Just a minute, Ya’el.’’ I cover the receiver with my hand. “If you don’t mind, Levana, as long as I’m still in the office… that wet rag we talked about… the sign down below…”

She rises grudgingly she takes a rag and goes out while I get back to Ya’el I say a few sweet words and remind her to reserve a place for her father on the limousine to Jerusalem tomorrow.

I’d really better go or should I wait some more but what for. It doesn’t look like there’ll be any mail today. I sit down and open a locked drawer I take out the murder file and leaf through it. By now I know every detail by heart but still it obsesses me. This is my chance this is my hope this is my ticket to get ahead. The rest is garbage. Three months ago when Steiner died his office divvied up his cases. I got a young murderer a television repairman it looks like he really did it though he insists that he didn’t since then he’s all I think about. I’ve slept with him dreamed of him spent dozens of hours with him. His family has no money but they’ve called in a rich uncle from Belgium to help and help is what he’ll need. He made sure to leave his fingerprints all over the apartment everywhere except on the television that he never got around to fixing. But did he murder the old man or did he just find the corpse there I’m going nuts trying to figure it out I’ll drive the judges nuts too. I phone the prison and ask them to get him ready for me I’ll stop off on my way to have a chat with him.

So now I really have to move. Only where’s Levana? I step into the dark corridor into its underworld mold. A few unsavory characters are sitting on the bench by the door to Mizrachi’s office for the past year the media have been arguing whether there’s organized crime in this country if they could see who’s being licensed to practice law these days they would realize that the organization is the government.

So where has she gone to? I should never have sent her out. All I want now is to move to get going to do something. I return to the office glance at the telephone gather up my papers wipe a little dust with my finger from the volumes of the proceedings of the supreme court smear it on an old map of Israel on the wall rummage through Levana’s pocketbook hanging from her chair photographs of movie stars clipped from the newspapers crumpled tissues a vial of cheap perfume what a wasteland in keeping with the grayness of this office with its high mildewed British ceiling that smells of failure once I said to Ya’el give me some bright new idea here some fresh direction of paint but I dropped it when I saw what it would cost. I call my mother to let off some steam.

“It’s you at last. I thought you’d forgotten me.” (Since Ya’el’s father arrived she hasn’t had a moment of peace.) “What’s happening.” (It’s not a question, it’s a statement of fact.) “I called yesterday afternoon, did they tell you? What kind of business is that, leaving Gaddi alone with the baby, he’s only six.” (Seven.) “He sounded so sad.” (He always does to her.) “And the old man was sleeping.” (That’s what she calls him, even though he’s a year younger than she is.) “What’s the matter with him? Is he sick or is there something up his sleeve? He didn’t even bring Gaddi a present. What sort of egotism is that? Did he bring anything for you?”

“No. It’s not important.”

“I knew he wouldn’t, and here you are trying to get him his divorce. Is that poor crazy thing really ready to agree?” (She’s always made her out to be sicker than she is.) “To think of him throwing her to the dogs like that.” (I hold the telephone away from my ear and stare out the window.) “Why must you involve yourself in it?” (Here I can’t deny she has a point.) “He isn’t paying you after all, is he? Is he?”

“No. Why should he?”

“I knew it. So why get involved. If afterwards there’s trouble, you’ll be held responsible. Don’t you have enough work in the office without looking for more? In the end there’s bound to be bad feelings and who will he hate for it? You. They’ll take it out on you because you’re not one of theirs, so why are you wasting your time always running to sec her? Don’t you have an important trial coming up? You know, the one your career depends on, that trial you’re preparing for, that if you get that rapist acquitted…”

“Murderer.”

“That makes it even bigger. It will make you famous, you’ll be able to open a big office. So instead of getting ready for all the questions you’ll be asked you go running gratis to insane asylums. What will come of it all? Yesterday I thought I’d go say hello to him, but all this sleeping of his scared me off. And what’s with Ya’el? Smiling her quiet smile, I’ll bet. Didn’t you once tell me that you fell in love with her because of it? Didn’t you, Yisra’el?”

“I did.”

“Well, you’re free to decide what you want. Your poor father once said something deadly about that smile, something you’re not going to want to hear. Do you want to hear it?”

“Not now, mother.”

“So I’ll see him the night of the seder then. It’s rather strange to insist on a divorce at his age, don’t you think? What does he need it for? He’s separated from her anyway. But I suppose he wants to get married over there in America. People have no idea what sex does to old people. Your own father when he was in the hospital… do you want to hear about it?”

“Not now, mother. I’m in a hurry. Some other time.”

Levana enters noiselessly she puts the rag by the sink she washes her hands.

“Will you drop by today? I’ve made those meat patties that you like.”

“I don’t think so. I have a crazy day today.”

“I have a delicious pie too.”

“I’m afraid I can’t. What sort of pie?”

“Apple.”

“Well, I’ll see. Goodbye.”

She’s still washing her hands.

“Are you done?” I ask gently. “You seem to have misunderstood. I meant you should just clean the sign, not the whole street…”

She flushes her eyes going wild.

“You have to comment on everything!”

“What??”

But she doesn’t answer.

“What??”

But she doesn’t answer her head is bowed her hands twist a piece of paper she’s actually trembling.

And I’m already outside. Feeling hassled. They’ve hassled the hell out of me Ya’el my mother and now this little darkie too. Just imagine if every darkie around here should start opening his mouth and saying dark things. It’s not enough that ninety percent of them are in court all the time. They want to give us lessons in etiquette too. My mood is shot now. Suddenly I’m all jelly inside. My father went and left me with this nosy venomous woman and I have to carry her on my back. An only child. Everybody’s favorite target. They were too busy sleeping at night to have time to make me a brother. I’ll show that little darkie yet. When the right moment comes I’ll turn off that heater and fire her. My mood’s shot to hell. And outside it’s cloudy again and everyone’s beeping their horns the traffic’s moving at a crawl the whole world’s in a rush maybe I’ll find some peace there in the prison.

Thank God that Haifa is at least a pretty town they haven’t managed to ruin it yet. Screened by pine trees that help filter out the general filth. I drive along the ridge of the Carmel into the forest ocean down below on either side bathing my eyes in the green air eddying over the lush wadis.

Everyone knows me here at the prison I’m not even asked for my papers. These past few months I’ve spent whole days here if ever I’m imprisoned myself I can ask the judge for time off retroactively from my sentence.

What bedlam. Every other door is unlocked the jailers just jingle their keys for form’s sake and then wonder why prisoners escape. Escape isn’t the word they just have to open the door and walk out.

An old Druse jailer brings me to a dark cubbyhole it’s a good thing there are still Druse and Cherkesses to keep order in this country my young murderer sits waiting by a bare wooden table short slender and sullen but very muscular when he was still in handcuffs the first time I met him I noticed how easily he stretched them. I shake his hand. God is my witness that I’ve tried to like him but he’s an unfriendly fantasizing type to top it all off they found some marijuana in his house.

“What’s doing?” He looks at me with his mousy eyes.

“Is everything all right?”

He nods.

I toss my attaché case on the table I sit across from him I leaf through the file that I practically know by heart. The forty thousand pounds that I’ve gotten so far from his family have barely covered the ink and paper that I’ve wasted on him.

“Have you heard anything from that uncle of yours… that diamond dealer in Belgium?”

“He’s supposed to arrive any day.”

“He’s been supposed to arrive for three months now. Apparently he’s decided to come from Belgium on foot.”

He gives me a hard sullen stare. I should know by now that I have to be careful with my jokes here.

I begin to ask a few questions going over once more details of his testimony about the great day in his life that I’ve lived every minute of and know better by now than any day in my own. That’s my secret strategy for his defense I’ll break time down under the legal microscope into its tiniest particles I’ll wage war over each second. The prosecution has no idea what’s in store for it. I’ve catalogued the minutes one by one and I’ll prove that he couldn’t have done it. This trial will yet be a textbook case to be studied with astonishment and awe. It was Kedmi who first taught us to think in milliseconds…

I interrogate him and he answers briefly and to the point. He’s a lone wolf all that damn day he hardly talked to anyone but stupid he’s not. I already know all his answers I simply have to polish them here and there to put him through his paces once again. I want this trial in the worst possible way. Just the look of him is suspicious at least let him be clear and precise. But what’s the truth? I’m still groping in the dark for it. It’s enough to make me despair. The truth is hiding inside his skull like some wriggly slimy gray worm let’s hope the prosecution can’t get at it either.

The old jailer comes into the room with a note.

“Advocate Yisra’el Degmi? Your secretary wants you to call your wife.”

My murderer looks at me sharply.

“Thank you but the name is Kedmi.”

“You better finish with him soon, he has to go eat lunch.”

Everybody wants to give orders.

“I heard you. Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to be alone with him.”

I continue the questioning. He begins to lose patience he’s worried about missing his meal the smell of food drifts up the corridor the clink of dishes but I press on relentlessly if suddenly he gets hungry and is short with the prosecution he’ll be eating his meals in prison for the rest of his life.

Finally I’m done. I’m getting hungry too. We stand facing each other. Did he or didn’t he? God knows. But I have to be tough with him to spring him from here.

“Do you need anything? Is there anything that you’d like?”

He thinks it over and asks me to arrange to get him out for the night of the seder he wants to be with his parents they’ll be lonely without him.

He’s too much. Behind that hard-nosed exterior he’s so innocent I could plotz. He’s barely been in jail for three months and already he wants a vacation.

“Forget it. But maybe you could invite your parents to have the seder here with you in prison. It will be an unforgettable experience for them to hear some rapist sing the Four Questions.”

I begin to hum the tune to myself.

His fists ball in anger. Did he or didn’t he? Meanwhile it’s my duty to defend him as well and as cunningly as I can.

“You don’t believe me,” he whispers hopelessly his eyes growing red.

An actor in the bargain.

“Of course I do. Leave it to me, you’ll see that everything will be all right. Now go eat.”

I hurry out past rows of prisoners in gray uniforms murderers thieves terrorists each holding a plate and a spoon. I should eat here myself sometime and see what the food is like. There’s no one in the office I head straight for the telephone. My mother is right I shouldn’t have gotten involved. Ya’el. Her father is up. He doesn’t want me to go by myself. It’s immoral to send me in his name white he begs off. He has to talk to her or at least to be there with me.

“Fine. I’m not going. I’m chucking the whole business. Do what you please. Now it’s morality. Do you know what morality is? Do you? It’s a pebble in somebody’s shoe. I’ve had it! I’m tearing up the papers I drew up and going back to the office. There’s enough work for me there. I’m jumpy and I’m hungry. In a minute I’ll eat the dog’s vitamins and start to bark.”

I could always get the better of her by quietly beginning to rave. They’re used to giving in to hysteria. When Asa was a little boy he’d lie flailing his arms and legs on the floor and the whole family would kneel in homage.

All right all right. She’ll talk to her father. Maybe she’ll go herself tomorrow. I’m right. It’s best for me to go first. I should just be careful.

At the gate I’m stopped and sent back to have my exit card stamped. Getting in is easier than getting out. I have to waste fifteen minutes looking for the clerk with the stamp. Meanwhile the head warden gets hold of me a sly old bugger who has this ironic thing with lawyers. “What’s the matter with you people? You’re not helping us to solve the overcrowding here. Where are your golden tongues? Come, let me show you some drawings made by one of our high-security prisoners. They’re absolutely marvelous.”

It isn’t easy to shake him off.

Then down from the mountain from the forest to the sea I’ll zip through the bay area past the refinery driving thou art my comfort my desire my only love. I hug the curves of the-wounded-the-quarried-mountain road silently racing the cable cars that pass over my head with gravel for the big cement plant down below the panorama spreading out in the valley beneath me there’s the Galilee there’s Acre there are the white cliffs of the Lebanese border it’s like flying a plane coming in for a landing in the clear spring air the car wheels gently touching down on the tarmac of the highway to Acre I could get a free lunch if I stopped at my mother’s but there’s another woman that I’d rather see.

I’ve never cheated on Ya’el nor do I intend to but here and there I keep a few women on standby. In restaurants in cafes in the offices of courts and colleagues I see them now and then I exchange a few words with them I touch them lightly I drop a few soft promises. If only in thought I wish to be a candidate for love. A restaurant with glass walls by the highway near a gas station. Across the road a ceramics plant and beyond it the sea. Here I used to wait for Ya’el those first years she went to visit her mother when she preferred I didn’t come with her. Right away I noticed the round waitress with her slow challenging walk. Where is she now? I order lunch from the proprietor and go to call the office.

“Did your wife get in touch with you?”

“Yes, I’ve spoken to her. Is there anything new? Are you still warming yourself by the heater? Did the check come?…What, I don’t believe it! For how much, a hundred thousand?…Fine, put it in the bank…. I have to endorse it first? Right you are. All right, then put it in the drawer and lock it. I’ll come by later to pick it up…. What, when will I be back? Why do you ask?”

All at once she asks shyly if she can leave work early today. It’s almost Passover and she has to help out at home. I gallantly agree. Think of the electricity bill that I’ll save. I tell her again where to put the check and how to lock the drawer. Now I see the narrow ankles stepping slowly the pretty eyes open wide to see me she remembers me she better not drop my meal.

At last I’m putting something into my mouth until now it’s all been outgoing. I’m the only customer in the place I keep sending her back for salt for pepper for beer for a clean fork enjoying her slow challenging walk the dumb blond animal. She blushes each time she returns. Do I arouse desire in her with my big mug and pot? The thought amuses me. Every day you suffer on account of those you lust for you never think of those who suffer on account of you. In the end she sits down near me with her legs innocently crossed we’re all alone except for the music on the radio. I cut my meat and devour her white hands I dip my bread in her eyes and suck them she sits there passively pliantly she brings me coffee a newspaper she unties her apron and bends to clear the table showing me her breasts that I have no time for not now.

Kissinger dining before the next delicate phase of his Middle East shuttle invisible reporters all around him. The quiet restaurant the highway the cars zooming past behind the glass. The sea and the spring and this cup of fragrant coffee. A short nap. A hundred thousand waiting for me in the drawer my little murderer who’ll be firm on the witness stand about the elementary particles of time my brilliant strategy brought to the world care of his uncle in Belgium. My mood’s on the upswing again. I ask for a cigar and more coffee. And why not? I deserve them. My eyes grow moist. Finally I rise to go I pat her shoulder. There’s warmth in my largesse. It was very good. The proprietor is called to add the bill. I leave a generous tip and register her silent gratitude.

Ten after three. A light gentle breeze. I always call by now to see if Gaddi’s safely home but I don’t want any more truck with the moralists not when this salty breeze from the sea is busy caressing me. I walk slowly to my car. A strawberry vendor has a stand nearby I buy the old woman a bag of them let her have a little pleasure that’s all of it she’ll get from me today. I check the air in the tires moving softly thinking of the children at home swelling with love even for this ludicrous land. I get into my car.

A leisurely drive along the coast to the hospital. I turn into a side road straight toward the sea toward little cottages surrounded by broad lawns. The thin line between a bungalow colony and an insane asylum is no more than this guard at the gate he must be a rehabilitated nut himself they’ve given him a visored cap a tin badge and a pistol every third person in this country is either a policeman a security guard or a secret agent. I step on the gas honking the horn keeping my head down maybe he’ll think I’m a doctor and open the gate so I won’t have to walk half a kilometer but he won’t give up his one chance to wield authority. Open up you moron I whisper but he doesn’t he jumps from his chair to point out the parking lot before I know it he’ll put a bullet in me.

I haven’t been in many loony bins Ya’el but if ever I go crazy myself this is the place for me. Perfect silence. The sweet sound of the surf lovely white cottages gorgeous lawns. They build prisons in forests way up in the Carmel and lock up crazies by an enchanted beach they’ve given them the nicest places in this country and left the rest of us the crumbs.

A nurse in white walks quickly down a path she vanishes through a doorway a man is standing in a distant field suddenly around a bend I find myself facing a crazy giant even taller than I am a colossus with a straw broom on one shoulder staring at me in bewilderment I smile magnanimously at him and pass him quickly leaving him standing there turning to gape at me his mouth hanging open a thread of spittle running down it as though a million-dollar sports car had just gone by him. A small group of patients is sitting on wicker chairs by her cottage I keep smiling as though in a trance a pale old man in a white smock jumps up from his chair he knows me a few months ago I chatted with him about Begin and Sadat.

“Mr. Kedmi, Mr. Kedmi, she’s in the garden by the woods. She’s waiting for you.”

We shake hands warmly.

But first I go look for the doctor as I promised. The large bare room is full of bright light a few women are sitting there each by herself the TV in the middle looks demented too. I already have a guide he grabs my arm and steers me toward a small side room. A smell of medicine.

“Thanks, I can manage by myself now.”

The sharp light is everywhere a blue patch of sea fills the windows. A young doctor is lying on a bed his arm flung over his eyes quietly sleeping among the crazies but the patient steps right up to him and wakes him. “Here’s Mr. Kedmi, here’s Mr. Kedmi, he’s come to see his mother.”

“My mother-in-law,” I whisper damn his eyes. “Mrs. Kaminka. I wanted first of all to know how she was ”

The young doctor lowers his arm from his eyes and smites up at me.

“Is her husband here? Is he with you?”

“No, he’ll come the day after tomorrow. He’s already in Israel, though. I see you know all about it.”

“We know everything,” says the patient right away. “She told the nurses… they’re getting divorced…” His eyes sparkle.

“That’s fine, Yehezkel, that’s fine. Now leave us alone for a while.” But nothing can make him budge. He already wants to know what’s in the bags I’m holding.

“What do you have there, candy?”

“Later, Yehezkel, later…”

But he must know what’s in the bags. “What is it? What is it?”

“It’s for the dog.”

Only then does he back off violently blinking his eyes chewing on his tongue his voice changes he rocks back and forth as though shaken by something inside. “That dog. That dog.”

“That’s enough, Yehezkel, that’s enough.” Without sitting up the doctor tries to calm him. “Why don’t you write a letter to the Prime Minister? You haven’t written him in ages. Come, sit down at the table, I’ll give you some hospital stationery.”

“Is it all right if I talk with her… is she…?”

“In good shape? Definitely. She had a cold last week but now she’s better. She’s been waiting for you, your wife phoned two hours ago. She’s behind the cottage…. Yehezkel, come here…”

The doctor gets up and grabs the old man in a bear hug.

I leave the room I walk down the path to the little woods I see the loony giant with his straw broom standing just where I left him still searching for me. And then I see her among the tall trees watering something with a hose a broad straw hat on her head as soon as I start toward her I hear a muffled growl that seems to come from the earth she turns her head in my direction the glitter in her eyes like droplets of water in the air. I walk uncertainly toward her not knowing if the dog is tied the last time I was here he attacked me I ask you gentlemen what other lawyer would agree to work in such conditions.

I never did understand exactly what was wrong with her not that I ever really tried to. I’m not sure that even Ya’el knows there are things that this family has hidden. And I know from the courtroom what rigmaroles psychiatrists are capable of it hasn’t made me think any more highly of them. The last few years I’ve gladly forgone the pleasure of visiting her I’ve usually waited somewhere with Gaddi while Ya’el went in to see her. Still she must be better if they’ve started treating her now with water therapy instead of electric shock. Apparently she’s taken to working in the garden hosing down the big trees that the Turks forgot to chop down in World War I to stoke their troop trains drenching everything in sight with Noah’s floods if the hose were any longer she’d be watering the sea.

I pick my way through the bushes the divorce file in one hand and two paper bags that are already coming apart in the other. If the dog jumps me I’ll throw him the strawberries. They needed special permission from the department of health to hospitalize him here the first time I set eyes on him when Ya’el introduced me to her family he was in the prime of life I said right away this dog needs either psychoanalysis or a bullet in the brain and the first he can get only in America they thought I was making another one of my jokes. All joking aside I can now make out the big mangy beast through the bushes part shepherd part bulldog and part monster getting slowly to his feet rattling his chain which I hope is attached at the other end to something solider than grass.

“Hi, there!” I call bizarrely jolly coming to a halt waving the file of documents moving slowly forward again to within a few feet of the dog who isn’t looking at me but knows that I’m there. After the wedding I tried calling her mother for a while but soon got over that aberration I even used to kiss her now and then. I was one confused person after that wedding.

She tosses the hose into an irrigation hole she bends down among the weeds to turn off the water and comes forward to greet me in the loose cotton shift that Ya’el bought her last year her strong legs in farm boots her uncombed blond hair that’s turned white with an odd luster falling gaily around her wrinkled freckled sunburned face. The day they all started saying that the baby looks like her was the day they spoiled the baby for me.

I press her hand.

“How are you?”

She smiles gently she ducks her head pertly she doesn’t answer.

“Ya’el sent this powder for the dog. It’s some kind of vitamins, I’m not sure which. I guess you mix it with his food. And these are some strawberries that I bought for you… I saw them on the way… luscious berries…”

She thanks me with a nod her eyes smiling she carefully takes the bags from me the smile is still there. If I had time I’d write a book about the connection between smiling and madness. We stand there for an awkward moment then lead each other to a bench beneath the trees we sit down she smiles uncertainly shaking her head with a slightly automatic motion.

“So he arrived the day before yesterday,” I begin in my most grandly auspicious even epic manner.

She listens still saying nothing.

“He looks well. Of course, he’s gotten older… but who hasn’t…”

Her eyes light up.

“Is he still complaining about that cramp in his neck?”

At last she’s said something. Although it remains to be seen what frequency she’s transmitting on.

“In his neck? I didn’t notice.”

What can she be talking about?

“A cramp?”

But she doesn’t answer she’s staring off into the distance.

“He still hasn’t gotten over the jet lag. He’s up all night and sleeps all day.”

She regards me searchingly.

“He doesn’t bother you… the children…”

“Of course not. Why should he? Gaddi is so happy to see him.”

The name Gaddi soothes her she shuts her eyes.

The dog charges quickly out of the bushes wagging his tail dragging the chain behind him sniffing the ground around me sniffing me loudly licking the bags on the bench whining a bit circling then lying down against my legs beneath the bench.

“And Ya’el must be terribly tired.”

“No… a little bit… it’s all right, though…”

“Let her rest. Don’t pressure her.”

“In what way?”

But she doesn’t answer. What does she really feel toward me? At first when she was well a slight disdain now in recent years a soft loony affection. Asa and even Tsvi have grown remote from her only Ya’el still looks after her and I look after Ya’el.

Silence. The crystal-clear spring air. A trickle of water still running out of the hose.

“It’s so lovely here. The breeze, the sea… everything, in fact. Did it rain here yesterday?”

Her head is cocked to one side her hands in the lap of her clean cotton shift strands of gold in the tresses of her hair she sits very straight.

“Whenever I think of you I tell myself how lucky we were to find such a quiet place. If ever I needed… this is the place… that is, I’d want to be put here… I mean…”

My big mouth again. That last sentence was uncalled for I have to shift into reverse now. But she’s listening to me carefully her fingers picking at the fabric of her dress nervously winding a loose thread. Far off in the middle of the path stands the giant with the broom rooted to one spot his blank face turned toward us.

At least here no one interrupts me when I talk.

I hand her the document.

“This is the agreement.” Suddenly I feel emotion. “I drew it up. It’s your divorce settlement.”

She regards me thoughtfully but doesn’t reach out to take it. I lay it carefully on her knees. The dog begins to whine he comes out from under the bench he rubs his red matted coat against me saliva dripping from his snout he lays his head in her lap sniffing the papers.

She looks at me. “He wants to read it.”

I smile caustically. Is she joking or being mad or both? She has a right to her mad jokes if I were her I’d make them too how tempting to be absolved of all legal responsibility for one’s words.

She opens the bag of strawberries she takes out a ripe berry she smells it and gives it to the dog who gulps it down.

“You’ve written so much here… must I read all of it?”

“I’m afraid you must before you sign. That’s how we generally do it.”

“We?”

“I mean we lawyers.”

She holds the document close to her eyes trying to make something of it but grows tired at once and hands it back to me.

“Maybe you’ll read it to me. I can’t see a thing. My glasses broke… I told Ya’el… I couldn’t read that book she gave me either…”

I take the document from her carefully wipe off the traces of the dog’s saliva and begin to read slowly. The dog gobbles ripe strawberries from her hand nuzzling the tom bag. Kissinger sits in a palatial garden by the Nile explaining the disengagement agreement while the photographers scramble with their telescopic lenses through the distant bushes. Here and there I pause to analyze the hidden meaning of some passage to point out a pitfall I’ve avoided or a loophole I’ve managed to close. But what does she understand? She doesn’t say a word just tightly grips the collar on the dog’s neck. At last I’m done.

“And the baby?” she asks. “She doesn’t wake you up at night anymore?”

“The baby?? Hardly ever.”

“I keep forgetting her name.”

“Rakefet.”

“That’s right, Rakefet. Write it down for me here, please.”

I write it down on a small piece of paper and give it to her.

Silence. The suspense is killing me.

“Why didn’t Ya’el come with you? Why did they send you by yourself?”

“She’ll be here tomorrow. So will he. We thought that… that it would be best… professionally speaking… if I’d explain things quietly to you first…”

“Why didn’t Ya’el come? Something’s happened to her…”

“Nothing has happened. She’ll come tomorrow or the day after. I’ll bring her.”

All at once the dog growls he’s already eaten the paper bag now he’s eating the air that was inside it. Once again total silence. It’s time for her to sign now I know these silences well.

“All you need to do now is sign here in the corner. At the bottom. Unless you have any comments to make.”

But suddenly she gets up the papers fall to the ground she’s having an anxiety attack.

“Why didn’t Ya’el come with you? Something’s happened to her…”

Well well well good morning. The devils have woken up.

I quickly gather up the papers.

“I swear to you nothing’s happened. She just didn’t sleep well last night. She was tired. Now if you would sign here… we don’t have much time… the rabbi’s expected by the end of the week. He came back from America especially… you agreed by mail… you promised…”

I’m getting into hot water. The dog senses my agitation he pricks up his ears and growls loudly. The golem standing on the path shuffles toward us his straw broom aimed at the sky. How can I leave without her signature? My mother was right why did I get involved in their affairs. No one ever taught me in law school how to give legal advice to the insane someone should write a book about it the obvious candidate is me.

“I say it’s best to sign now. That’s all there is to it. Because it’s a good agreement that guarantees all your needs. Even if you should remarry someday, he’ll still have to support you.”

And I take hold of her shoulder.

But she backs away in a fright still gripping the dog’s collar he’s barking now he lunges at me clumsily. The filthy old mutt. I let go of her at once.

“Maybe you’d like to think about it some more…”

She nods like a little girl.

“I’ll leave it here with you and tomorrow or the day after Ya’el will pick it up. Perhaps the two of them will come together.”

“Ya’el will come?”

“Of course.’’

She beams radiantly. I’m careful not to touch her again I don’t want the dog to get the wrong idea. Suddenly something straw-like tickles the back of my neck the golem has arrived he’s standing silently behind me. I smile forbearingly and grab the broom that’s prodding my head. The dog’s whining again he won’t attack him though he’ll attack me lie’s lost all his family instincts.

“Well, then, I’ll be off. Is there anything you’d like to ask or request before I go?”

She smiles affectionately at me.

This is where true liberalism began. I could write an interesting book about it. Thirty years ago they still tied up the crazies today they tie up anyone sane who gets in their way. I make a fast getaway. Not that it hasn’t been an experience. It certainly has been. But from a legal point of view I haven’t accomplished very much. I hurry to the gate it’s already half past four. Time’s flown like crazy today. It’s not ideas I’m lacking it’s time. If I had the time I could have written three books already but what would Gaddi and Rakefet eat? Books. It’s a good thing that check for a hundred thousand is waiting for me otherwise it would have been a wasted day one without a single legal orgasm.

It’s already twilight when I get back to the office. The corridors are dark. More shady customers are still waiting on the bench outside Mizrachi’s office. What brings them to him I ask myself it’s not his brains he doesn’t have any it must be his cut-rate prices. I open my office and tum on the light. She’s gone. I open the drawer right away I can feel there’s no check in it. What’s going on here? Good Lord! Where is it? Where did the bitch put it? I go through all the files and papers. This is all I needed. The end will be a heart attack. I’ll kill her I’ll really kill her let’s see what court will dare to convict me I expressly said put it in the drawer so she put it somewhere else and someone came and stole it. God in heaven have pity! I jump for the telephone to dial the police but I know them they’ll just send me some illiterate Ali Baba. If only I could cry I’d sell tickets to the thousands who’d like to see me I’ve ransacked the office she must have stolen it herself. Why not? For the past month she’s been warming herself by the heater and plotting it.

“Gaddi, quick, get me mom, on the double, not a word out of you…. Ya’el, I’ll tell you all about it afterwards, now I just have one question, do you know anything, did my secretary call about some check?…No? All right then, goodbye. I’ll explain it all later. If I don’t come home tonight, look for me in intensive care. It’s nothing to worry about, just a hundred thousand pounds down the drain…. What?…Later!”

I hang up madness coming over me. I yank all the drawers from their grooves I search the inside of the desk I tear the map off the wall and look for the check behind it. I go through the office like a storm I have to get my hands on her but how? Her family of cavemen doesn’t have a telephone finally I find her address written in a little notebook thank God I was smart enough to jot it down when I hired her only what kind of address is it some housing project with two numbers and no street I call the police to get directions I switch off the light leaving the office in a shambles behind me.

It’s already evening I drive down to the lower city through Wadi Salib through Wadi Nisnas through Rushmiyya where the hell am I. Don’t they even have Hebrew names for all these wadis all this desolate earth these narrow crooked streets stuck to the mountainside all at once the road comes to an end. I begin climbing up and down stairs I’ve never been here before a government project grafted onto deserted Arab houses twining grapevines water in the gutters sand weeds bursting through broken sidewalks farmland turned into a slum a dark store here and there lit by a kerosene lamp groceries where they spike the cottage cheese with hashish it looks like I’m in for another adventure. What a wasteland. Such quiet passive people how slowly they walk it’s only on television that they start to shout they’re all carrying packages now matzos for Passover when I grab them to ask the address they look at me calmly what family is it that you want. Pinto? But which Pinto? A good question that I feel I’m going to cry the Pintos who sell eggplant in the market the night’s still young if I have to I’ll visit every Pinto within miles.

And I do climbing up massive stone stairs to wildly constructed houses entering kitchens bedrooms living rooms until I get to some doorway where I’m shown a hundred-year-old Pinto in pajamas or a three-year-old Pintoette in her underpants all the Pintos I could wish for just not the one who has my hundred thousand a small gang of boys and one adult have become my escort they must get a kick out of seeing a big paleface like me running frantically around their neighborhood.

At last I’m brought to a small cobbled courtyard surrounded by blue walls full of furniture and empty vegetable crates I climb the steps to a little apartment whose front door is open at first I don’t recognize her barefoot and in a pair of shorts wearing a light sailor shirt how small she looks holding a small rubber hose cleaning the back stairs she stares at me astounded I must look as pale as I feel I’m ready to faint my big heart is beating so hard that it hurts.

“I have it,” she shouts. “Don’t be upset, Mr. Kedmi… everything’s all right… I couldn’t open the drawer… the only key was with you… I didn’t want to leave the check in the office… I was afraid that something might happen to it…”

I don’t say a word I just shut my eyes and finish fainting she dries her hands and runs to an inner room full of colorful pictures of her ancestors dressed like sheikhs she brings me an envelope I grab it from her I tear it open I pull out the check I look at it quickly and stick it in my shirt pocket throwing the tom envelope on the wet floor.

“I hope you weren’t frightened.”

I manage an ironic smile by now the whole family has me surrounded half a dozen short swarthy gangsters invite me to sit down but I still can’t get a word out I’m dazed from fatigue and excitement I raise one hand in a crazy salute and whisper thank you. I’m in a hurry all I need now’s to have to sit down and eat eggplant I turn to go opening a small door they rush to my side but already I’m in a tiny bathroom facing an old witch sitting naked in yellow water lit by the lurid glare of a heater Lord have mercy she whispers in terror already gentle hands are pulling me out she takes my arm lightly and steers me to the exit leading me down the stairs she’s worked a year for me now and I never knew she had such straight lithe legs they make me feel for her how was I to know when she’s always bundled up behind the desk we’re standing in the dark street now.

“I can see you were really frightened.” She does her best not to laugh. “You really were.”

I stand shaken in the desolate darkness.

“What a pity it didn’t occur to you that I know how to read. You might have left me a note.”

“You’re right. I didn’t think of it.”

I pat her head careful not to choke her.

IQ. That’s what it all boils down to. Their IQ evaporated in the Islamic sun. And that’s something you can’t give them along with their social security. Again I’m running through the alleyways looking for my car I’ve already got a title for my fifth book The Secret Life of the Underprivileged in the end I’ll write a book with nothing but the titles of the books I never wrote I’m lost in the sands of this ruined wadi at last I find my car I turn on the light I take out the check to make sure that it still has all the zeros I start the motor and depart from this vale of tears.

Gaddi opens the door for me now I remember what I’ve forgotten it’s his present. The lights are all on in the house the baby’s in her high chair in the living room surrounded by toys facing the TV watching Begin on the Arabic news the dining table is full of dirty dishes scattered papers a tube of paint grandpa is sitting drinking coffee Gaddi runs to bring me a big picture Ya’el comes out of the kitchen in an apron.

“What happened? We were so worried. I didn’t understand a thing. What hundred thousand pounds went down the drain?”

“It didn’t. It came back up again.”

“Did you see my mother?”

“Of course.”

“Did something go wrong?”

“No. Everything’s fine.”

I head for the bathroom with her on my heels and Gaddi on hers.

“We didn’t know when you’d come, so we ate without you.”

“That’s okay. I just hope you left something for me.”

“Of course we did. Did something go wrong, Kedmi?”

“If you’d allow me to take a leak there might be some prospect of your serving me supper.”

I shut the door in Gaddi’s face to keep him from gate-crashing with his picture. I pee I wash my hands and face at the sink I go around the house turning off unneeded lights finally I sit down at the table. Grandpa moves his chair closer to me his face pale and serious.

“So tell us…”

“In a minute. Just let me first put something in my stomach to draw the blood down there so that it doesn’t explode in my brain. If Kedmi gets a stroke, the Kaminkas will pay dearly.”

I settle into my chair take the check from my pocket place it on the table read it like the morning paper it’s certainly better news. He gets up stricken and walks about the room Ya’el sends Gaddi to the bathroom the baby quiets down so does Begin there’s just background music now. Ya’el looks pitifully gray and tired.

“Didn’t you eat all day long? Your mother called a few times to say she was waiting for you for lunch. Where did you disappear to? Did something happen?…Why don’t you say something?…She was terribly worried.”

“Then call her and tell her that I’m here with my mouth full of food. You can spare me the pleasure and her the worry…”

All at once he stops pacing the room and bursts out:

“What happened? Did you see her?”

“Of course I did. Could I have some more egg, please?”

“How is she?”

“She’s fine. She was watering the trees.”

“But what did she say? How did she receive you?”

“Very hospitably. By the way, you have regards from the dog. He thanks you for the powder, Ya’el.”

I take a last look at the check I fold it and replace it in my pocket. “Did she sign?”

“Almost. She wants to think about it some more.”

“To think?”

“Such things happen.”

Why am I doing this to them? Is it just my lousy character?

At last Ya’el exclaims almost in tears:

“Can’t you talk like a human being? You insisted on going by yourself and now it’s like pulling teeth to get a word out of you.”

“All right, all right. I only wanted to eat in peace. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that you were so impatient.” (Kissinger presents his report to the Israeli government.) “I arrived there at three-thirty. I spoke with a young doctor whom I had to wake up. He said she was in good shape. A few of her friends in the hospital knew what I had come for too. I found her tanned and spry-looking, watering the trees. I don’t know if that’s some new sort of therapy but in any case it definitely works. There’s no comparing the way she is now with her condition several years ago. Do you remember that time I was with you, Ya’el?”

Her father leans toward me his legs spread menacingly Ya’el looks at me with loathing.

“I told her you had arrived and that you looked well. She asked if you still had a cramp in your neck and I said that I hadn’t noticed any cramp there. Then she asked if you were bothering the children.

I said on the contrary, the children are happy that you’re here. I did tell her that you were finding it difficult to adjust to Israeli time. I gave her the agreement and recommended it. She asked if she had to read it. I said yes because that’s our professional duty, not to let people sign any contract or document that they haven’t read. They won’t understand it anyway, but it’s better for them to feel that they’ve read it without understanding it than that they haven’t understood it without reading it, ha ha…” (No one laughs.) “She tried to read it but she couldn’t because her glasses are broken. Or maybe the dog ate them. You really should take care of it, Ya’el. So I read it to her. She listened quietly while I explained all the fine points to her, how her rights are all guaranteed. I really did talk carefully and gently but she hardly seemed to respond. She just asked once about you, Ya’el…’’

“Why I hadn’t come…”

“Precisely. But I explained why and she understood. I told her you’d come tomorrow or the day after and meanwhile we agreed that she’d think it over and sign and give the agreement to you. Of course we’re pressed for time. I tried telling her that as gently as I could….Could I have another cup of tea? I’m totally bushed. I’ve been running all evening after this check…”

“She won’t agree,’’ blurts the old man hopelessly. He leaves the room. Deep down I know that he’s right.

“Why won’t she?” I object. “That’s not my impression. Can I have some more tea or do I have to request it in writing?”

Ya’el brings me tea her hands shaking she takes the baby from her chair and puts her into her crib Gaddi shows me his picture some tall women standing in the rain.

“It’s a terrific picture.” I kiss him and send him off to bed.

Ya’el’s father has disappeared. She looks at me hostilely.

“What’s gotten into you?”

“I don’t know. I’ve been a wreck all day.”

“That’s obvious.”

“It was all just too much for me.”

And really I’m dead on my feet it can’t be just that damn check something scared me today the world itself. Those broken alleyways… that nude old woman in the yellow water… that feeling of straw in my hair…

I get up to look at the mail I turn on the TV I’m exhausted my eyes close I can’t make out the words Ya’el is cleaning the table the baby’s already asleep. I turn off the light and get into pajamas I put the check in my pajama pocket and look for a newspaper I can hardly move I get into bed and pull the big blanket over me.

It’s ten o’clock. The telephone rings it’s my mother yes says Ya’el to her as though I were a three-year-old yes he’s eaten and now he’s in bed. Her father returns from a walk with a pack of cigarettes he whispers something to her. My eyes shut the newspaper slips to the floor. The old man comes into the bedroom to ask if I bought the present for Gaddi.

“I’m sorry. I forgot.”

He takes thirty dollars from his pocket and puts the bills on the night table by the bed.

“You don’t have to,” I whisper.

But he lays an ashtray on them. He stands there morosely. Ya’el is washing dishes in the kitchen.

“What should I buy him?”

He doesn’t answer.

“If it’s all right with you, I’ll find some little electric train. He’s never even ridden in a train…” He stands silently by my bed tall a handsome man a mane of graying hair bohemian-style on his neck. Fitted into his American suit his fingers stained with nicotine what does he want from me of course to ask about her but he’s afraid to talk.

“You’re going to Jerusalem tomorrow. To Asa’s.”

He gives me a hard look deep in thought he wants to talk but something won’t let him he puffs greedily on his cigarette.

Suddenly he sits down on the bed. Something draws him to me. The fact that I was with her but what more can I tell him. Silence I’m fading out I curl up in the blanket and close my eyes from time to time to see what effect it has. But he goes on sitting there smoking his head in his hand. He’s a worried man. He needs the divorce he has a woman waiting for him there and if I let my intuition run free I’d guess that he’s made a little uncle for Gaddi. It’s quiet except for the dishes my body’s turning to lead.

“If you don’t mind turning off the light, we could sit in the dark for the same price…” I smile weakly hoping it’s my last joke of the day.

He draws back. “What?”

He’s gotten the hint though he straightens up looking down on me from above he turns off the light and leaves the room I bury myself underneath the blanket.

Once upon a time I used to feel desire at this hour but lately someone’s seen to it that I don’t. The baby’s begun to cry but I’m not getting up for her I’ve already put in a full day the title of my next best seller will be How to Subtly Get Your Marriage Partner to Take Care of the Crying Baby. I snuggle deeper into bed. They must be going over my agreement in the loony bin now assuming that the dog hasn’t eaten it why half asleep do I think of her again in the sharp light by the sea you’ve caught some of her madness Kedmi dear Kedmi poor Yisra’el Kedmi you aging hyperactive child who needs to sleep…