A Season for Slaughter

Chapter 36 Chocolate and Babies

For the longest time, she didn't answer. Her silence lasted several centuries—during the whole of which time I agonized that I had taken advantage of her vulnerability, that I had said a terribly wrong thing, that I had finally, irrevocably, made myself the kind of fool that even she couldn't forgive-because no matter what she said in reply, yes or no, nothing between us could ever be the same again.

At last, Lizard sniffed, wiped her nose, wiped her eyes, smiled a little, looked up at me, shook her head, and said, "You don't have to do that. I won't lock you out again."

"Listen. I didn't ask you to marry me because I'm afraid of losing you. I asked you to marry me because right now you need me even more than I need you. I needed you to help put me back together after I was captured by the Revelationists. Now it's your turn-and my job is to hold you together."

"Why bother?"

"Because if I give you all of my strength, then you can be strong for the rest of us."

"But I'm not strong anymore, Jim. The best I can do is pretend."

"That's good enough. Nobody can tell the difference anyway. Fake it till you make it."

"Jim-" She tried to insist.

"Listen to me, sweetheart. It's always pretend-for everybody. We're all just little kids in grown-up bodies walking around saying, 'Huh? How did this happen?"'

She smiled in spite of herself. "Dr. Foreman trained you too well. You refuse to lie down and stay dead."

"I'm too mean to die-or too stupid."

She put her hand on my cheek and let her smile widen into a warming dawn. "You're not stupid," she said gently.

"Okay, then it's settled. I'm mean. Listen-" It was time to be serious again. "I know what's important. You are-and the work you do. Those people out there depend on you. They love you-almost as much as I do. They trust you and they need you. You can't let them down."

Her eyes were watering again. The hardest thing in the world is to keep your mouth shut and listen to somebody say good things about you-especially when you know it's true, but you've never let yourself believe it before.

She tried to pull away, but I wouldn't let her. She needed to hear this. "You say you need me-okay, I'm here." I took her hands in mine and she had to turn and face me again. I blinked back my own tears and swallowed past the hard lump in my throat and somehow managed to get the rest of the words out. "Lizard, my beloved-I will never abandon you again. I will never hurt you again. I'll be here for you night and day, to hold you and make you laugh and love you and give you whatever strength I can, so that you can go out in the world and inspire everybody else. That's the most important job that I can do-and just so you'll know that you'll always have your source of strength right here where you need it, I'm going to marry you. That way you can't lose me. Even if you try."

"Is that an order?"

"Yes. It is."

And with that, she relaxed. Finally. She let herself go completely limp in my arms, as soft as a kitten nestled in its mother's fur. She let out a long, tired breath-not her usual sigh of contentment, more a sigh of simple relaxation, but it was the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard. It said that she was at ease, at last.

She stayed that way for a long time, and I was content just to sit and hold her. For a while, the rest of the world went away. Time was suspended in midair, and we were beautiful together.

"All right," she said softly into my chest. "When this mission is over, after I've made my report to the President, we'll get married."

"Why not right now? Captain Harbaugh would-

"Because… " she said, "The Very Reverend Dr. Daniel Jeffrey Foreman will be hurt if we don't ask him to perform the ceremony."

"Oh," I said. "You're right. But look-I don't want to make a whole big thing out of this. Can't we just sort of-I don't know—-do it quietly?"

"And spoil the best gossip in Houston? Are you kidding? A high-level military wedding like this would be such a great boost for morale that the President would have us both shot for treason if we tried to elope. Now, let's see, I think we should have a military wedding, with an honor guard-you know; raised swords and all that-oh, and your friend Ted; he should be your best man-"

I shook my head. "He's just as likely to want to be your maid of honor. It depends on what body he's wearing at the time."

"I don't know. Does he look good in pink? I was thinking pink dresses for the whole bridal party. I don't think I should wear white this time, I mean, not for a second marriage. What do you think? Do you think I could get away with a white dress again, with a veil and all? Oh, my God, when am I going to find time to have a dress fitted-maybe we should be married in uniform. And-oh, God-who's going to plan the bridal shower? And that's another thing. I'll have to register crystal and tableware patterns with the bridal registry, and-"

And then I knew for sure that she was putting me on. "All right, all right." I hugged her tightly to me. "Anything you want, sweetheart. Tap-dancing dolphins. Singing dogs. Boy Scouts in drag. Elephants. Penguins. Strippers. Clowns. Skyrockets. Dancing bears. Explosives. Fire engines…" I trailed off, and we sat a moment in silence.

"You know what I really want?" Lizard said softly.

"What?"

"Chocolate ice cream. Do you think we could have chocolate ice cream-I mean, made with real chocolate?"

"Do you know how much chocolate costs these days?"

"Do you know how much I love chocolate?"

I sighed. "I'll take out a loan. If you want chocolate, you shall have chocolate."

"Mmm, okay, it's a deal," she said. After another moment, she asked, "What do you want, Jim?"

"I don't know," I said. "Let me think for a minute."

We sat and listened to the breeze. It carried the scent of the sea, a salty wet reassurance, and ever so gently, it also carried the faint green smell of land.

At last I let out a breath.

"What?" Lizard asked. She turned her face up toward mine.

"I'll tell you what I really want. More than anything. I want it for both of us."

"You're going to be serious, aren't you?"

"Yes, I am."

"You're no fun-"

"Hush, sweetheart, and listen. If you're going to waste your wishes on chocolate ice cream, that's your business. My wishes are my business."

"Chocolate ice cream isn't a wasted wish."

"Hush, it's my turn. I want-" I said it very slowly and very carefully. "I want us to start some babies. Let's pop some eggs and get them fertilized and then put them in the freezer. So that way"-this was the hard part—"if anything ever happens to either one of us… there'll still be a family."

I could feel her stiffening in my arms; maybe I shouldn't have said anything, but-

"You're right." She nodded her head against my shoulder. "Robert and I should have. But we never did. Okay. As soon as we get back."

"No. I don't want to wait that long." She looked up at me, puzzled.

"Med section is fully equipped," I explained. "We'll harvest, fertilize, and ship the eggs home when we-stop over at Amapa. Please-?"

"Jim? What's the rush?"

I pulled away from her and held her at arm's length, so I could look directly into her eyes. "I'll tell you what's the rush. I keep looking at the satellite photos of the Japura mandala, and it scares the hell out of me. We've never seen anything that big anywhere. We have no idea what conditions obtain there. I hope to God I'm wrong, but I'm terrified that this ship and every single one of us aboard are heading into the biggest fucking nightmare of all."

"Jim, we've been over this a thousand times. You were part of the planning sessions. This ship can't possibly be touched. Or-" Her eyes widened. "Is there something you're not telling me?"

"No. I told you everything I know. I can't think of anything we've encountered that could be a possible threat to this ship. But I lie awake nights worrying that there's something waiting for us in that camp that we don't know. No-let me say it another way. I'm sure there're a lot of things in Japura that we don't know. That's why we're going. I'm afraid that some hole in our knowledge is going to let us make the kind of stupid mistake that will kill us all. That's been the history of this war so far."

"You're afraid, but you're still here-"

"Because you're here. And because whatever happens, I want to be with you. I'm going to protect you-and if it turns out that I'm wrong, and that everything works exactly the way it's supposed to, then okay, I'm wrong, and I'll buy you all the chocolate I can afford. But please, can we be terrified of the future long enough to humor my fears and make some babies?"

"I'd rather make them the old-fashioned way, with a bowl, and some batter, and a big mixing spoon-"

"Hold it. It's my job to stir."

"I assume you're planning to lick the bowl too?"

"Do you think you can reach it?"

"Never mind. I'll lick the spoon."

"Then it's a deal?"

"Okay, it's a deal." She pried herself loose from my embrace and levered herself to her feet.

"Where are you going?"

"To use the phone and the bathroom, in that order. We're going down to Medical now, while I'm still giggling. Because if I stop laughing, I'll talk myself out of it. You, go take some vitamin E."