A Wild Swan: And Other Tales

POISONED

You wanted to last night.

And tonight, I don’t think I want to.

Why, exactly, is that?

It’s weird. Don’t you think it’s at least a little bit weird? And I’m, well, getting tired of it.

When exactly did you change your mind?

I didn’t. Okay, I’m tired of pretending that I’m not tired of doing it.

Is it because of that apple joke, today at the market? Did that bother you?

Hell no. You think I’m not used to apple jokes by now?

You’ve always told me you liked it. So, you’ve been lying?

No. Well, not exactly lying. I suppose I’ve liked it because you like it so much. But it seems that tonight, I don’t really want to.

That’s a little ever so slightly humiliating, don’t you think? For me, I mean.

No. I’ve been doing it because I love you. When you love somebody, it makes you happy to make him happy.

Even if you think it’s weird. Even if you think it’s disgusting.

I didn’t say disgusting. “Weird” and “disgusting” are not synonyms.

You didn’t get tired of doing it for the midgets.

They weren’t midgets. They were dwarfs. I don’t know why you refuse to understand the difference.

Sorry. I’m sorry. I’m displacing my emotions.

You got that phrase from your shrink, do you even know what it means?

I’m sorry about the dwarfs. I know you loved them.

Or I loved it that they loved me, I’ve never been completely sure.

Do you think we should have them over again?

Because it was so much fun the last time?

I wouldn’t say it was unfun. Did you think it was?

You had to lift them up to get them into our chairs. Our spoons were the size of spades to them. Have you really actually forgotten that?

I was trying to be kind. I was trying to be hostly. I took away the love of their goddamned lives. Did my position that night strike you as easy?

No. You were trying to be generous to them. I know that. I do.

Okay. Ten minutes. Just ten, okay?

This really matters to you, doesn’t it?

Please don’t condescend.

Could you tell me something to say that won’t offend you?

It matters to me. Okay, right, I’m a little ever so slightly embarrassed that it matters to me. But it does.

Tell me something you love about me.

Come on.

Be specific.

Okay. I love the thing you do with your mouth when you’re concentrating. This little squinchy thing, sort of half biting your lip but not exactly, it’s just … squinchy, it’s totally involuntary, it’s so you.

Tell me another.

I love it when I wake up before you do, and then when you wake up you have this kind of pure astonished awed expression, like you can’t quite believe you’re … where you are. It fucks with me. It’s what gives me those morning hard-ons.

Okay. Ten minutes.

Are you sure?

Does it bother you, that I like making you happy?

Ten minutes, then.

Hey, I’ll go to twelve. For you.

I adore you.

Be careful with the lid, all right?

Aren’t I always careful with the lid?

Yes. I’m honestly not sure why I said that.

Are you all right? Is this comfortable?

I am. It is.

Do you think …

What?

I feel like some kind of creep, now.

Just tell me.

Do you think you could cross your hands just a little lower down? More like directly over your breasts?

Mm-hm.

Yeah. Perfect. That’s so entirely completely perfect.

I’m closing my eyes now. I’m going into the zone.

God, you’re beautiful.

I wish sometimes I could watch you. Watching me.

I’d like that, too. But it wouldn’t …

Of course it wouldn’t.

Look at your skin. Look at your lips. Look at the petals of your eyelids.

I’m going to stop talking now. You can lower the lid.

I’m the luckiest man in the world.

I’m not talking anymore. I’m going into the zone.

Twelve minutes, tops. I promise.

Shh.

Twelve minutes on the dot. Promise. Thank you for doing this, I know you’re stopping speaking. But, well, thank you. It matters to me, it does. Okay. Twelve minutes and I lay one on you. Then we can order in, okay? Or we can go out, whatever you like. We could catch a movie. But thank you for twelve minutes. I mean, look at you. Sleep like death. Before I even existed. For you, I mean. When I was, okay, I like thinking this way, when I was a dream you were having, when I was a premonition, when I was perfect because I didn’t exist, when I was pure possibility, and, I really hope this isn’t weird, when you were immaculate, and entirely strange, and the most perfect and beautiful creature I’d ever seen. Before I lifted the lid, I mean, and kissed you for the first time.