Abandon

Twenty-Three

When she heard Cal stumbling into the house, Bernadette threw off her covers and ran downstairs, pleased she’d had the good sense to wear her L.L. Bean pajamas to bed.

She confronted her ex-husband as he poured himself a large glass of Scotch in the kitchen. She remained in the doorway, arms crossed on her chest, but she’d never been able to intimidate Cal. Whatever his faults, she’d always admired that about him. “Where’s Harris?”

“Harris Mayer? I have no idea.” Cal took a long drink, eyeing her with a frankness that she used to find appealing, sexy even. “He’s your friend, not mine.”

“He’s taken off.”

“So? He’s a grown man. He can take off without telling anyone.”

She could see she wasn’t going to get anywhere asking Cal about Harris directly. “Why did you stop at Andrew Rook’s house tonight?”

He faltered only slightly. “Nothing you need to concern yourself about.”

“No? Where are you right now, Cal? You’re in my house. I have a right to know if you’re mixed up with something that’s going to backfire on me.”

“You’ve done nothing. You’re pure, Bernadette.”

“Do you think it’ll matter if I’ve done nothing and you have? Do you think anyone will care? Appearances -”

“Appearances won’t land you in prison.” He gulped the Scotch and banged the glass on the counter, refilled it. “I’m going to bed. I’ll be out of here this weekend. Then you can start pretending we were never married.”

“I’ve already started,” she said, regretting her acidic comment immediately, if only because it would put him more on the defensive. “Cal – please. I don’t want to argue with you. If you’re in trouble, you know what to do. You’re a capable attorney.”

He gave a bitter laugh. “Thanks for that, Judge.”

“What aren’t you telling me?” She stepped toward him. “What’s happened to you, Cal?”

“Do you believe in the devil?”

Her heart jumped. “What?”

He abandoned whatever he’d started to say. “You’ll be gone in the morning before I get up. Have a good trip to New Hampshire.” He managed a small smile. “Say hi to the loons for me.”

“Cal -”

“I don’t want anything to happen to you, Bernadette. I never have.”

He walked away from her, taking his drink with him. She debated following him, but what good would another fight do? He was stubborn and secretive by nature, qualities that had their advantages, as well as their liabilities. But she’d never been able to penetrate the hard shell that he’d developed to protect the most vulnerable parts of him, where his insecurities lived. She’d gotten tired of trying. If he gave in to his compulsions instead of rising above them, what could she do?

Get out of range when they backfire, she thought.

But she knew better. She adhered to the judicial code of ethics as strictly as any of her colleagues, but that wouldn’t help her when it came to appearances. If Cal was in trouble, she had no idea if their divorce would protect her from public backlash, or if she’d end up like Harris Mayer, disgraced and ostracized.

No charges were ever brought against Harris, but that didn’t make him innocent, she reminded herself. Regardless of his personal culpability, he’d had a hand in some shady dealings.

Most people she knew appreciated her unwillingness to completely cut off an old friend, even if they didn’t understand it. But would they understand if she’d unwittingly paired Harris and Cal, and they’d cooked up some fraudulent deals?

“You’re getting ahead of yourself,” she said aloud, looking around at her empty kitchen. Cal would be gone when she returned from New Hampshire. She’d have her life back. She smiled suddenly, surprising herself. “Thank heaven.”

She headed upstairs, replacing visions of unpleasant imagined headlines with real memories of the lake, the mountains, the feel of cold dew on her feet on a late summer morning, memories, she thought, of home.