Adam in Eden

Chapter 21

None of which is enough to interrupt the carnival of life:

M.A.M. (The Moral Alliance of Mexico) steps up its campaign against homosexuals. Families organize themselves against gays, even, and especially, against their own gay children. Upright parents demonstrate their moral courage. The brave paterfamilias of a house with a homosexual child hangs on his door the sign:

A PERVERT LIVES HERE

Pervert and perversion are M.A.M.’s favorite words. Their famous advice is to

TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILDREN!

They have, indeed, organized themselves to an astonishing degree. In an interview with this newspaper, a young man who calls himself “Orchid” discussed the “precarious state” that has been his life since he came out of the closet. “My friends disappear then turn up dead,” he complained. “I’m too afraid to leave my house, even though my dad says he’d rather have a dead son than a faggot one.” Orchid clarifies: “But he doesn’t mean it. He lets me stay in his house because, he says, on the streets I’d wind up dead. I tell him, ‘I don’t mind staying home. It’s better to be gay than dead.’”

In Mexico City, the vast number of houses and apartments abandoned by occupants who have defaulted on their mortgages has inspired a new business (scare) tactic. The competition among real estate agents has become so fierce that they’ve had to launch smear campaigns against each other. Here are some recent ads:

• “Stop by the property on offer at Acatempan Street in the Famsa section. If this house doesn’t scare you, you’re probably already dead.”

• “On Masaryk Avenue, the advertised house looks like an African bordello.”

• “If you have a sense of humor, stop by the apartment for rent in Vallejo. You’ll die laughing.”

• “Don’t be fooled. The property for sale in Eje South is located right off the municipal garbage dump. That’s why it stinks!”

• “Are you a masochist? Then the house for sale at Virrey de la Cerda is perfect for you.”

• “The apartment for rent at the Calzada San Joaquín has closets full of cockroach caca. Careful!”

• “Nostalgic for the days when people lived in caves? Then hurry over to the house in the hellishly misnamed Heaven’s Corner before Trimalchio finds another caveman to rent it to first.”

• “If you want to know what you’re getting yourself into, pay a clandestine visit to the foyer of the building on the corner of Zarco and Valerio Trujano. Let us know how far you trust the creepy husband-and-wife porters.”

• “If you want to know what it feels like to be spied on by your neighbors, spend the longest day of your life in the bedroom of the apartment for rent at Popocatéptl Plaza.”

• “Like a nice dungeon? Then don’t pass up the opportunity to rent the dank basement being passed off as a luxury apartment in Pushkin Gardens.”

A forty-something-year-old woman showed up at our editorial office claiming to be the mother of the Boy-God who preaches on the corner of Insurgentes and Quintana Roo. When our reporter asked her whether she was the Virgin Mary, she answered emphatically that yes, she was. An examination performed by one of our in-house nurses disproved that latter claim.

Don Adam Góngora, chief of national security, released a much-discussed statement, announcing his deep nostalgia for the long period of rule by the Party of Revolutionary Institutions (PRI), when the unions belonged to the government, the right to strike was mythic, the workers were subject to the bossman, and the boss-man was pro-government. Mister Góngora stressed that he was speaking out of nostalgia for simpler times and that he realized the in Vallejo. You’ll die laughing.”

The Sunday Boy-God has complained in no uncertain terms against the usurper who calls himself Jenaro González and asks that from now on the identity of his many imitators be challenged by demanding they show a particular birthmark that the Holy-Boy alone possesses. The Boy abstained from revealing information about this mark for fear that his imitators would tattoo themselves with counterfeits. Could it be on his little bottom? Just asking.

A well-known astrophysicist from the National Autonomous University of México, who asked to remain anonymous, considers that the comet many citizens saw last night isn’t a comet at all, but a simple shift in the position of our sky in relation to the fixed stars. The scholar explained that this phenomenon is called “parallax,” and that the word describes, for instance, the apparent shift of a planet’s position as observed from two different points of view.

A prelate who asked to remain anonymous swiftly responded to the above statement, reminding us that in 1531 Halley’s comet appeared in the sky on the same day that The Virgin of Guadalupe appeared to Juan Diego. Therefore we must not rule out religious truth, concluded the prelate, when faced with scientific superstition. Asked about the religious significance of yesterday’s comet, the man of the Church said that to know this, we would need to know what we still don’t know, but which will one day be revealed. The community of the faithful received this statement with applause.

Because of the profusion of Chinese tourists in Mexico, our waiters must learn Mandarin instead of — as in the old days — English. The Asian traveler also demands private dining rooms, which forces our restaurateurs to subdivide their spacious premises, once the pride of the food industry, with partitions, screens, and new walls. “The customer gets what the customer wants,” explained the manager of the famous Bellinghausen restaurant in the famous Zona Rosa neighborhood.

Many professionals have abandoned their occupations, creating a dangerous shortage of doctors, lawyers, engineers, and architects. Asked about it, the interested parties responded, as if they had all agreed beforehand, “We are now freelancers.” An inquisitive and suspicious journalist asked them if that meant they were freeloaders. Outraged, the group spokesman (for they have grouped together and selected a spokesman) replied: “All we want is to be our own bosses.” (The mystery remains unsolved.)

M.A.M. (The Moral Alliance of Mexico) leaders held a press conference to announce their new national campaign to combat homosexuality. “This country doesn’t need beggars or faggots,” announced the M.A.M. president. “Let’s purify the nation,” he added, conceding that identifiable homosexuals, depending on the gravity of their misconduct, could be robbed, kidnapped, or killed. A furious father complained that his gay son decided to call himself “Angela” instead of “Angel” and proceeded to change his birth certificate, school diplomas, and passport, creating infinite confusion in dealing with the red tape of national bureaucracy. “What if all the pansies go change their names and need new identity documents?” asked the outraged father. The president of M.A.M. concluded with the statement: “We must all remember that Mexico is a religious, conservative, violent, and very macho country. .” The furious crusader for chastity had nothing else to add, save, “Castrate them all.”